1. Welcome to the show.
My name's Howard Moon.Copy !req
2. - This is Vince Noir.
- All right?Copy !req
3. This week I'm gonna be playing
a host of characters.Copy !req
4. But don't be afraid. It's just that
as an actor I can play any emotion.Copy !req
5. - I've seen him. It's pretty powerful.
- Yeah.Copy !req
6. Here's a little taster of what I can do.Copy !req
7. - What's that?
- Grief of a sailor.Copy !req
8. - That is genius. Do another one.
- You like that?Copy !req
9. - What's that?
- Cornish guilt.Copy !req
10. - How's that? You likin' it?
- Cornish guilt? Timeless characters.Copy !req
11. - Can you act?
- Can I act?Copy !req
12. Not really, no.Copy !req
13. That was me acting then.Copy !req
14. Likin' that. The twist-around.Copy !req
15. - What else have you got?
- Loads of stuff.Copy !req
16. Go on, then. Surprise me.Copy !req
17. Welcome to the show.Copy !req
18. ..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.Copy !req
19. And now, kids, our final stop
on the tour of the Zooniverse...Copy !req
20. - lvan, the hairy Russian carpet guy.
- The bear?Copy !req
21. Well, yeah, if you wanna use the Latin.Copy !req
22. Anyway, when this guy's
not busy being a carpet,Copy !req
23. he lo-o-o-oves his dancin'.Copy !req
24. And accompanying him todayCopy !req
25. is Vince Noir and his lowly assistant,
Howard Moon.Copy !req
26. - You know what we're doing?
- An electro-pop classic.Copy !req
27. No, jazz funk. We did electro
last week. It's jazz funk this week.Copy !req
28. Hey, dung-heads, let's move it along.Copy !req
29. OK. This is a track I've composed myself.Copy !req
30. It's a kind of slap-bass odyssey,
if you like.Copy !req
31. It's called, simply, Particle. Thanks.Copy !req
32. One, two, three, four.Copy !req
33. - He doesn't look happy.
- Cos he's a communist.Copy !req
34. He doesn't understand
the service industry.Copy !req
35. What he doesn't understand is,Copy !req
36. if carpet-man don't dance,Copy !req
37. carpet-man don't eat.Copy !req
38. - You seem kind of scared.Copy !req
39. But don't worry, these bars
could stop a speeding juggernaut.Copy !req
40. Head for the hills!
You're on your own, everybody!Copy !req
41. Don't kill me! I loved Lenin!Copy !req
42. Naboo, you saved my life.Copy !req
43. I have to kiss you passionately
on the mouth.Copy !req
44. Ooh! My nuts!Copy !req
45. Oh, yeah. This is more like it, eh?Copy !req
46. Getting out on the open road,
getting away from the zoo.Copy !req
47. Yeah. I feel at home on the road, Vince.Copy !req
48. It's in my blood.Copy !req
49. I think it's because, when I was young,
I moved around a lot.Copy !req
50. I lived with my parents, but on
weekends I'd visit my grandparents,Copy !req
51. and they lived over 40 minutes away,
in Wakefield.Copy !req
52. I think, from that, I developed a kind
of spiritual... wanderlust, if you like.Copy !req
53. Yeah. I always felt a kinshipCopy !req
54. with the nomadic peoples
of the Kalahari.Copy !req
55. - No way.
- Mm. It's true.Copy !req
56. - No way!
- Yeah, a deep bond.Copy !req
57. They're making a Bollywood version
of The Fonz.Copy !req
58. Have you listened to anything I've said?Copy !req
59. Er... something about calamari.
I'm not hungry.Copy !req
60. I'm trying to have a conversation here.Copy !req
61. I'm trying to get some deep
conversation going. Cos I'm driving.Copy !req
62. - What d'you want to talk about?
- Well, you know, about me.Copy !req
63. I'm a free spirit. I can't be hemmed in.Copy !req
64. People try to put me in a box
but I break free.Copy !req
65. - Who's trying to put you in a box?
- That's the nature of me.Copy !req
66. - Who's trying to put you in a box?
- Well, people, you know. The man.Copy !req
67. Have you contacted the police
about this?Copy !req
68. - No. The man. You know.
- What are you on about?Copy !req
69. People try to put people in boxes.Copy !req
70. No one's trying to put you in a box.
You're the wrong size.Copy !req
71. Let's forget about this conversation.Copy !req
72. - How would you even get in a box?
- Read your magazine.Copy !req
73. - You wanted to have a conversation.
- I'm suddenly tired of that.Copy !req
74. Just check on lvan, will you?Copy !req
75. - How's he doing?
- He looks a bit bored.Copy !req
76. - What are you doing?
- Giving him something to read.Copy !req
77. - The Face? He's a Russian bear.
- So what?Copy !req
78. Give him some Chekov.Copy !req
79. - D'you want something to eat?
- Yeah, I'm quite hungry.Copy !req
80. I've got it all in here.
Ultraviolets, flying saucers,Copy !req
81. strawberry bootlace. Get involved.Copy !req
82. Have you got any food?Copy !req
83. - Yeah. Saturn zingers.
- No, like real food.Copy !req
84. - Neptune fizz.
- Have you ever heard of rice?Copy !req
85. I've heard of Rice Krispies.
Hey, Howard...Copy !req
86. Check this out.Copy !req
87. Wait.Copy !req
88. That's how turtles eat.Copy !req
89. This journey's gonna fly by.Copy !req
90. - I made some tapes for the journey.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
91. This is The Best Of The '60s.Copy !req
92. And this is The Best Of The '70s.Copy !req
93. And this... is Gary Numan.Copy !req
94. - No. No way. We're not having that.
- What?Copy !req
95. - Oh, come on.
- Absolutely not.Copy !req
96. I'm drawing a line under that. That's it.Copy !req
97. - Why?
- I'm driving. We're having my music.Copy !req
98. - Oh, not jazz?
- No.Copy !req
99. This, my friend, is jazz funk.Copy !req
100. Oh... The double. That's even worse.Copy !req
101. The cerebral musicality of jazz mixed
with the visceral groove of funk.Copy !req
102. - Funk? Funk?
- What a combo.Copy !req
103. Jazz's deformed cousin.Copy !req
104. - Check this out.Copy !req
105. Feeling that?
Wait till the slap-bass solo comes in.Copy !req
106. It's coming up.Copy !req
107. It's coming up now.Copy !req
108. Maybe it's on the other side.Copy !req
109. Here we are, it's coming now.
This is it. It's coming up.Copy !req
110. - Just... need to...Copy !req
111. It's coming up now. Ready for this?Copy !req
112. Ah! It's not that. Just a minute.
It's coming.Copy !req
113. The next... It sounds
the same a bit before and then...Copy !req
114. - Really?
- It's coming.Copy !req
115. It's coming up. It's coming up.Copy !req
116. - Ooh!Copy !req
117. - Feel the power of that.
- It's embarrassing.Copy !req
118. The thumb-work. Ooh!Copy !req
119. - Wow! What...Copy !req
120. - What's happening?
- lvan's going mad.Copy !req
121. It's slap bass. He doesn't like it.Copy !req
122. Doesn't like it? What does he like?Copy !req
123. ♪ Here in my car I feel safest of allCopy !req
124. - Are we nearly there yet?
- No. No, we're not.Copy !req
125. I might have a little sleepie.Copy !req
126. You're not having a little sleepie.Copy !req
127. - Oh, come on.
- No. It's your job to entertain me.Copy !req
128. - D'you want me to do a little dance?
- Well, do something.Copy !req
129. I've got something. I know exactly
what to do. You'll love this.Copy !req
130. Put him away.Copy !req
131. - Don't get him out again.
- I've got others.Copy !req
132. I don't wanna know.
Can't you just tell me a story?Copy !req
133. About what?Copy !req
134. When you were growing up
in the forests.Copy !req
135. - You've heard all those.
- I like to hear them again.Copy !req
136. All right.Copy !req
137. When I was young, I was raised
in the forests by Bryan Ferry.Copy !req
138. It was amazing. Magic times.Copy !req
139. I loved hanging out with Ferry.
We used to go hunting, fishing...Copy !req
140. We lived in a small house
made out of bus tickets.Copy !req
141. Brilliant. Problem was,
Bryan used to go on tour quite a lot.Copy !req
142. So he used to leave me
with various animals.Copy !req
143. Once he left me with
the Jahooley, the leopard,Copy !req
144. who was pretty irresponsible.Copy !req
145. He took me out killing gazelles,Copy !req
146. knowing that Bryan
was a strict vegetarian.Copy !req
147. He used to feed me
the soft, tasty meat.Copy !req
148. Afterwards, I'd be so full
I'd need a little sleepie.Copy !req
149. But just as I was nodding off,Copy !req
150. Kalooney, the dirty cobra,
came whisking up the side of the tree.Copy !req
151. He said to me...Copy !req
152. I said, "Why? What you on about?"Copy !req
153. He said, "Because the monkey-folk
plan to steal your face."Copy !req
154. "What d'you mean?"Copy !req
155. The king wanted a man's face
in order to be a proper king.Copy !req
156. He'd seen mine
and that was the one he wanted.Copy !req
157. He tried to get Columbo's,
but that was on too tight.Copy !req
158. Anyway, the problem was
it was so hot in the jungleCopy !req
159. and I was so full, I fell asleep.Copy !req
160. You idiot. Oh, no!Copy !req
161. - I know.
- Oh, no!Copy !req
162. - What an idiot.
- What happened next?Copy !req
163. That's another story for another time.Copy !req
164. - What?
- That's the end.Copy !req
165. That's not. It's the beginning
of something interesting.Copy !req
166. Listen, that's the end of that saga.Copy !req
167. What? Are you lcelandic?Copy !req
168. I want the end of the story.Copy !req
169. I went so far and now I'm stopping.Copy !req
170. Who are you, dealing stories in chunks?
Johnny Segment?Copy !req
171. Yeah. I'm a storyteller.
I'll decide... You've had your fill.Copy !req
172. You can't get a man all juiced up
and leave him dangling like that.Copy !req
173. - That's my style.
- The dangler?Copy !req
174. - Yeah, the juicy dangler.
- You're ill.Copy !req
175. - You've had your word nourishment.
- I'm empty.Copy !req
176. - I need the pudding.
- You're so greedy.Copy !req
177. - What?
- Greedy for the verse.Copy !req
178. - Just... Come on.
- Slow down.Copy !req
179. Ridiculous. How much further
have we got to go?Copy !req
180. According to the map,
the Animal Offender Zoo's here.Copy !req
181. But if we take Fossil's route,
it's about six hours.Copy !req
182. Useless. So why don't we take
this short cut?Copy !req
183. - What short cut?
- The next left.Copy !req
184. - Through this forest?
- Yeah.Copy !req
185. - Are you sure?
- We'll be there in about 20 minutes.Copy !req
186. - Where the hell are we?
- I don't know.Copy !req
187. I thought if we came down this road
we'd cut out a lot of time.Copy !req
188. - What road?
- This road here.Copy !req
189. What, this thin, red road?Copy !req
190. That's a raspberry bootlace, you berk.Copy !req
191. I was just trying to help, all right?Copy !req
192. How have you helped on this journey?Copy !req
193. You bring sweets, not food,
tell stories that don't end properlyCopy !req
194. and bring Gary Numan's
entire back catalogue.Copy !req
195. - A powerful body of work.
- A powerful stench.Copy !req
196. - I've had enough of your abuse.
- What you gonna do?Copy !req
197. - I'm vacating the vehicle.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
198. - I'll walk.
- Where? Down Raspberry Avenue?Copy !req
199. - You're in a forest.
- Whatever.Copy !req
200. You won't last five minutes without me.Copy !req
201. Howard! Stop the van!
Howard, stop. Wait.Copy !req
202. You couldn't walk away, could you?Copy !req
203. - My scarf's caught in the wheel.
- Right.Copy !req
204. - See you later.
- Yeah. Bye.Copy !req
205. Technically, you're not a Peeping Tom
if it's one of your relatives.Copy !req
206. - More tea, Naboo?
- No, I'm fine.Copy !req
207. Well, if you're not gonna have
any tea, I am. I love my tea.Copy !req
208. Oh, no! Howard and Vince are in danger.Copy !req
209. - How do you know?
- It's written in the tea leaves.Copy !req
210. Naboo, this is terrible!Copy !req
211. But on the bright side, we can get
together more. Where are you going?Copy !req
212. To save Howard and Vince.Copy !req
213. - I'll come.
- No, it's fine.Copy !req
214. - No, I must protect you!
- I wish you wouldn't.Copy !req
215. Who's there?Copy !req
216. Vince, it is l, Bryan Ferry.Copy !req
217. - No way!
- Look at you!Copy !req
218. Vince, my child, so many years have
passed, but I knew you would return.Copy !req
219. I love what you've done with the place.Copy !req
220. I would have tidied it
if I'd known you were coming.Copy !req
221. - These ferns, are they new?
- lKEA.Copy !req
222. Look at you! All grown up.Copy !req
223. Is this what they wear in the city of men?Copy !req
224. - Pretty much.
- Huh! Ridiculous.Copy !req
225. Let us celebrate your returnCopy !req
226. with feasts and music
and the slaughtering of a hound.Copy !req
227. I can't really stay that long, Bryan.Copy !req
228. I've got a life in the city. A job.Copy !req
229. - Job?
- Yeah, in a zoo.Copy !req
230. Zoo? What is zoo?Copy !req
231. You'd love it. It's a bit like a forest
but they keep the animals in cages.Copy !req
232. No! Animals should never
be kept in cages!Copy !req
233. It's just a stopgap, you psycho.
I'm gonna be a singer, like you.Copy !req
234. But you were the least musical
of my children.Copy !req
235. Even Colto, the deaf horse,
could sing better.Copy !req
236. Colto. How is Colto?Copy !req
237. - He's working on his third album now.
- Really?Copy !req
238. Experimental stuff.Copy !req
239. - Eno is producing.
- Wow!Copy !req
240. What about my best friend,
Jahooley, the leopard?Copy !req
241. Jahooley is gone.Copy !req
242. There is a curse upon the forest, Vince.Copy !req
243. Many of the creatures have disappeared.Copy !req
244. Taken by Baboo Yagoo,
the green man-witch.Copy !req
245. Who?Copy !req
246. Some say he is the devil himself.Copy !req
247. Others say he is a man
pretending to be the devil,Copy !req
248. with green make-up
and... special lighting.Copy !req
249. But that is nonsense.Copy !req
250. He is as real as this forest.Copy !req
251. - Anyway, look, Bryan...Copy !req
252. Anyway, look, Bryan, I better get going.Copy !req
253. I've got to find my mate, Howard.
We had a bit of an argument.Copy !req
254. - Is he in danger?
- Probably.Copy !req
255. He gets in danger, I go and sort it out.
That's how the show works.Copy !req
256. Take this horn.
And if you are in peril, blow upon't.Copy !req
257. I will come running as fast as
Hundoo-oo-oo, the Volkswagen.Copy !req
258. Thanks. I've got something
for you, Bryan.Copy !req
259. - Agh!
- There you go.Copy !req
260. - What is this?
- A tape. It's my new demo.Copy !req
261. - My new band. See you later.
- Thank you. Take care, child.Copy !req
262. Ah. Tape. Yes.Copy !req
263. Of course, it is all MP3 now.
These are obsolete.Copy !req
264. Oh, yeah, the open road.Copy !req
265. This is more like it.Copy !req
266. A man alone with his dreams.Copy !req
267. That's me, Howard Moon.Copy !req
268. What's that? A hitchhiker?Copy !req
269. Yeah, right, I'm gonna stop for you
in this dark wood.Copy !req
270. So... are you going far?Copy !req
271. D'you live round here, do you?Copy !req
272. Well, obviously not in the woods.
It would be weird if you lived here.Copy !req
273. What's in the box?Copy !req
274. Travel sweets, is it?Copy !req
275. Travel sweets! That's one of mine.Copy !req
276. Big box like that with small sweets
in it would be funny.Copy !req
277. Shall we have some music?Copy !req
278. Ease the tension. Let's have the radio.Copy !req
279. Too much music in the world.Copy !req
280. Quite a thumb you got there.
Bet there's a story there.Copy !req
281. You want to know about my thumb, boy?Copy !req
282. lntrigue you, does it, boy? My thumb?Copy !req
283. Let me tell you about it.Copy !req
284. I come from a long line of hitchhikers,Copy !req
285. all with bleedin' massive thumbs.Copy !req
286. The thumb is a tremendous boon
to the hitchhiker.Copy !req
287. Helps with work. You know what I mean?Copy !req
288. Only problem was, when I was a child
my thumb was tiny.Copy !req
289. Not just tiny,
like a single Sugar Puff. Disgusting.Copy !req
290. Even me own mother would
reel back in horror like an anaconda.Copy !req
291. "What is it? Get it out of here!
It's tiny! It's horrible! It's revolting!Copy !req
292. "Take your tiny thumb
and get out of hereCopy !req
293. "and never darken my door again,"
she'd say.Copy !req
294. I had to leave the family unit,
in search of a miracle.Copy !req
295. I wandered the streets,
looking for the answer.Copy !req
296. People told me of a magic shaman,
part man, part hornet.Copy !req
297. So I went looking for him.
I went everywhere.Copy !req
298. I combed the universe
in search of the stripy-insect shaman.Copy !req
299. It turns out he was
in a local primary school, in the bin,Copy !req
300. reeling about with the apple cores,
like they do.Copy !req
301. I stood there with my thumb out
and he stung it, he grabbed onto it.Copy !req
302. It was like he was making love to it
with his sting. In and out!Copy !req
303. In and out! More and more!
Oh, the pus, the pain!Copy !req
304. The black voodoo, the wet jigsaw puzzle.Copy !req
305. I didn't know what was happening.
For days I was in a trance.Copy !req
306. But when I came to, there it was,
like a fleshy maraca.Copy !req
307. A thumb of gigantic proportion.Copy !req
308. "A miracle!" I said, "A miracle.
You're a true wizard.Copy !req
309. "How can I ever repay you?"Copy !req
310. He said to me, "500 euros."Copy !req
311. "500 euros? You won't see
penny-one from me, you slag!"Copy !req
312. And as I raised my thumb up
to smash his tiny skull in,Copy !req
313. I could see in his little insect face.Copy !req
314. I could see him thinking,
"Oh, I created that monster.Copy !req
315. "l created that thumb
and now it's killing me.Copy !req
316. "My own beast in creation
killing me dead! The sweet irony."Copy !req
317. I think he was saying that
but it was a long time ago.Copy !req
318. In hindsight, he could've
just been shitting himself.Copy !req
319. Anywhere here?Copy !req
320. Stop the car!Copy !req
321. - Don't kill me!
- What?Copy !req
322. Don't kill me. I've got so much to give!Copy !req
323. I ain't gonna kill you, mate.
I need a sprinkle, you onion.Copy !req
324. Oh. Right.Copy !req
325. I'm gonna slash like a powerful horse.Copy !req
326. Whoa!Copy !req
327. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
328. Comin' out of me like yellow cable.Copy !req
329. Ohh!Copy !req
330. Whoa, yeah!Copy !req
331. I've been backed up for some time, boy.Copy !req
332. Come back here! Oi!Copy !req
333. Yeah, right. I'm not hanging about
while you relieve yourself.Copy !req
334. I'm Howard Moon, man of action.
With things to do.Copy !req
335. Can't hurt to have a little look inside,
can it, eh? Why not?Copy !req
336. - Oh, me back's gone.
- Not again.Copy !req
337. - It's totally gone.
- Grab his legs.Copy !req
338. - Ohh!
- Easy.Copy !req
339. That's why you should never
bring a cricket bat to Greece.Copy !req
340. - Where to, Naboo?
- Left at the lights.Copy !req
341. Hello?Copy !req
342. Hello?Copy !req
343. - Hey.
- Aah! Oh... Vince.Copy !req
344. - How's it going?
- Good. Great. It's going well.Copy !req
345. What are you doing here?Copy !req
346. A weird bloke picked me up,
put me in his box.Copy !req
347. Yeah. He was hideous, wasn't he?Copy !req
348. Hideous? I thought
he had a certain bony charm.Copy !req
349. - I can't believe we're trapped in a box.
- Yeah.Copy !req
350. I thought you couldn't
get trapped in boxes.Copy !req
351. That was a metaphorical box.
This is an actual box. Slight difference.Copy !req
352. It's massive, this box. Check this out.Copy !req
353. Hello?Copy !req
354. Hello! Welcome to my zoo
for animal offenders.Copy !req
355. We get all kinds of garb in here.
Behold... the Nazi turtle.Copy !req
356. A freshwater fascist for all the family.Copy !req
357. Over on the left, the Ku Klux goose.Copy !req
358. - You all right, boy?Copy !req
359. But our finest exhibit... is over here.Copy !req
360. Feast your eyes... on Trevor Robinson,Copy !req
361. the shire horse
with over 37 parking tickets!Copy !req
362. All unpaid, mind. Evil hooves.Copy !req
363. - What d'you want with us?
- I'm gonna slice you up.Copy !req
364. Oh, I'm a Cockney nut-job.Copy !req
365. He slashes one way,
he slashes the other.Copy !req
366. He slashes diagonal,Copy !req
367. he's like Connect Four in dagger terms.Copy !req
368. I'm gonna cut you up
and feed you to my menagerie.Copy !req
369. But I ain't all evil.Copy !req
370. Any last requests,
I'll be happy to service 'em.Copy !req
371. - Young lady, anything?
- That's you.Copy !req
372. I've got an idea.Copy !req
373. - Is it all right if I blow this?
- I don't see why not.Copy !req
374. Leave this to me.Copy !req
375. - What was that?
- Give it to me a minute, boy.Copy !req
376. Oh, it's a lovely horn.
Let me have a go at this.Copy !req
377. Great.Copy !req
378. What about you, squire?
Anything I can do before I cut you up?Copy !req
379. Well, I always thought I'd fade away
to... some slap bass.Copy !req
380. But I don't suppose that's
music you're familiar with.Copy !req
381. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
382. What do you think this is?Copy !req
383. I'm a leading exponent
of the jazz-funk movement.Copy !req
384. I'm the slap-bass president,
for God's sake.Copy !req
385. Oh, yeah, it used to be Mark King,
but we had a thumb duel.Copy !req
386. I smashed him into the ground
like a blond tent peg.Copy !req
387. "Get back to Level 42
and go about your business."Copy !req
388. You love it, you slags!Copy !req
389. - He's all right, this guy.
- Can you feel the funk?Copy !req
390. Wahey!Copy !req
391. Oh, no!Copy !req
392. - Look at that.
- He's melted.Copy !req
393. I ain't melted, you onion. I'm over here.Copy !req
394. You'll never catch me. I'm off!Copy !req
395. Well, that was a narrow squeak, eh?Copy !req
396. Yeah. Let's get back to the zoo quickly.Copy !req
397. - You sure you know how to drive?
- Yeah, it's easy.Copy !req
398. You don't have to do that with
your hands. It's a straight road.Copy !req
399. You fools, you smashed me
with your iron horse.Copy !req
400. - Who are you?
- Bryan Ferry, ruler of the forest.Copy !req
401. - Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
- Yeah. What's your point?Copy !req
402. You look like Terry Wogan.Copy !req