The Mighty Boosh 1x5

Matt Berry as Dixon Bainbridge

Dixon Bainbridge, owner of the Zoo-niverse, is intent on selling to the highest bidder. There's a road being built through it and ‘if the animals won't work on it, they'll be underneath it'. Howard and Vince embark on an arduous trip deep into the Jungle Room, in search of the only man they think can help save the zoo - Howard's hero, Tommy Nookah.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.

2. - All right? - This week, the subject of heroes.

3. What is a hero? Who is a hero? Am I a hero?

4. - No way. - We'll tackle that question in the show.

5. Can anyone be a hero any more in the modern world?

6. - Jagger. He's like... - I mean real heroes.

7. - He's a hero. He's a monkey genius. - I'm talking about Livingstone.

8. Explorers. People who went deep into the heart of darkness

9. to confront the terrifying abyss.

10. What would Jagger do when confronted by the abyss?

11. He'd probably go like this.

12. Enjoy the show.

13. ..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.

14. - Can I squirt for a bit? - No. You buff, I squirt.

15. I've been here longer than you. Get on with it.

16. - You're in a right mood. What's wrong? - The zoo's falling apart.

17. Never used to be like this. Not when Tommy ran the zoo.

18. - He's dead. - He's not dead.

19. Everyone knows he fell in the ocelot pit.

20. - They never found his body. - They munched on him like an old Twix.

21. I find that difficult to believe. Tommy was one of the greatest zookeepers ever.

22. Ocelots were no match for him. He was a great man. Powerful and handsome.

23. Handsome? I've seen footage of him. He had a big head.

24. - Short, stocky legs. - That was the look in the late '50s.

25. - The barrel head? - It was all the rage.

26. Women would swoon when Tommy shuffled into a room.

27. It was a different aesthetic. None of your fashionable androgyny in his day.

28. He was a man's man. I mean, look at you. Feather cut, pointy features.

29. Put you in the '50s, you'd be imprisoned for being a witch.

30. - They'd lock you in a trunk. - This is the Mod style.

31. - You're not a Mod. - I am. I'm king of the Mods.

32. I'm getting into the Mod scene. Check this guy out.

33. - Who's that berk? - Uber Mod.

34. Look at his hair. It's over a metre tall.

35. - That's good, is it? - Yeah. I reckon I could take his title.

36. With enough cheap wizz and a powerful hairdryer, I reckon I could beat that.

37. Start off in Europe and take that title, and then bang! Worldwide.

38. Whoa! It's gonna be enormous. It's gonna block out the sun.

39. - You'll be in the shadows. - Are you ill?

40. - Tommy hated Mods. - Thought he might.

41. - They enraged him on sight. - I thought they might.

42. Cos he was a Rocker. Used to go down to Brighton at weekends.

43. if he saw any Mods, he'd run at them, head-butt them off their scooters.

44. - Rockabilly Rhino, we called him. - Sounds like the work of a violent dwarf.

45. Well, he did have violent episodes, that is true.

46. But between those episodes, there was a calmer side to Tommy.

47. - A flip side. - Yeah. Tommy was a dreamer.

48. We all dream. But do we really dream?

49. Yeah. We do.

50. Yeah, but do we really dream?

51. - Yeah, we do. What's your point? - Tommy was a dreamer.

52. He had many dreams. He had dreams about this place, Vince.

53. He dreamt about a zoo so small it could fit inside a key.

54. Not his best dream. He had other dreams. That was Tommy's gift.

55. He could move from dream to dream, like the dream skipper.

56. - Did he eat a lot of cheese? - Yeah. A bit too much, actually.

57. Yeah. He had a problem with calcium build-up.

58. - Is that why his head was... - Yeah.

59. - Well, whatever. He's dead, so... - He's not dead.

60. - What? - He's alive.

61. - He's dead. - He's alive and guiding me. I sense him.

62. Guiding you where?

63. Guiding me about my business, thank you very much.

64. About your business? You've gone wrong in your mind tank.

65. - What are you on about? - You've got to accept it. We all die.

66. We all die. But do we really die?

67. - What is that? - Something Tommy taught me.

68. Never stop questioning the nature of reality.

69. You're questioning it, but are you really questioning it?

70. - Now you're getting it. - I am getting it.

71. - But am I really getting it? - That's enough now.

72. It is enough. But is it really enough?

73. This is a staff announcement.

74. You are all fired, so pack up and ship out. Good day.

75. - What's going on, Mr Fossil? - Bainbridge is selling the zoo, Moon.

76. - What do you mean? - What part don't you get?

77. Bainbridge sells zoo. They're building a road over it.

78. I'm gonna go to Miami and take up golf.

79. - Bainbridge can't sell the zoo. - Why can't he?

80. I'll tell you why. Because of Tommy.

81. What do you know about Tommy? Tommy's dead.

82. They never found his body. Under Zoo Regulation 409 subsection C,

83. he's technically the owner and you can't sell it.

84. Thanks.

85. Oh, yeah? Let me show you something.

86. This is a contract. It said that Tommy owned the zoo

87. but in the event of his disappearance, after 10 years, it reverts to Bainbridge.

88. Suck on that subsection.

89. Right.

90. Note to self. I hate whites.

91. Hey, Naboo. How are you?

92. - I can't believe Bainbridge is selling up. - He's a ballbag.

93. What are you gonna do? You'll be all right. You're a shaman. Specialist job.

94. - I might transform into a mighty hawk. - A what?

95. - Mighty hawk. - Wow.

96. Either that or work in Dixons. I haven't decided.

97. - That's a tough call. - What about you?

98. I am king of the Mods so I'll put a parka on and walk about like that,

99. chewing gum.

100. It's a shame, though. I love this place. Gonna miss it.

101. Well, when the lion roars and the wind blows, who knows what might happen?

102. What?

103. Sorry.

104. Balabang-mamphor...

105. Hey, Naboo. Naboo?

106. Don't try and take me on. I'm king of the Mods.

107. Put me through to Dixon Bainbridge.

108. I don't know how to dial. Thank you.

109. Dixon Bainbridge.

110. Hello, Bainbridge. It's Bobby-bob-bob.

111. I'm busy, Fossil. Ls there a problem with the sale of the zoo?

112. That's all fine and dandy. But Howard's been asking questions about Tommy.

113. You catch Moon sniffing around that jungle room, do what we did last time.

114. What, ride in a pick-up truck and beat up midgets?

115. Lock him in there. The place is crawling with wolves. He'll be dead by dawn.

116. - Oh, yeah. Right. - Good day, sir.

117. - Are you wearing any pants? - I said good day, sir.

118. Rhino!

119. - So this is it? - Yeah.

120. The crazy times we've had here, eh?

121. - Remember my first day? - Yeah.

122. You took me out of school. You said GCSEs weren't important.

123. I remember I was on frogs. There was a newt involved.

124. - I started trembling. - Never tremble with a newt.

125. - Exactly. - You change its sex.

126. - I didn't know that. You taught me that. - Yeah.

127. - Remember when that llama got out? - Yeah.

128. He went AWOL, he went crazy. Started hoofing the public.

129. Do you remember? He was out there hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars.

130. He got in a gift shop, put a moustache on. A girl said, "Can I have a pencil?"

131. Hooo! Hoofed her out of the shop.

132. Ah... No one could get near that llama. But you, you got off on it.

133. It's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.

134. Calm a llama down.

135. Oh, well. I've got you something. A little gift there.

136. - Oh, thanks. - Little something. Memento.

137. When you look at that, you'll think of me.

138. - What did you get me? - Er...

139. Oh. Erm...

140. Oh, I got you this.

141. - Where did you get this? - I didn't steal it.

142. - Where did you find it? - Outside the old jungle room.

143. - The old jungle room? - This is Tommy's necklace.

144. - So? - Do you see what this means?

145. No.

146. Jungle room shut down ten years ago. Tommy disappeared ten years ago.

147. Shut down ten years ago. Tommy disappeared ten years ago. Necklace...

148. Tommy's in the jungle room. We've got to get him.

149. He can stop the sale of the zoo. Let's go!

150. Hey. How's it going?

151. - What are you wearing? - What?

152. You can't go in the jungle dressed like a Camden leisure pirate.

153. - I'm king of the Mods. - We're in a rainforest.

154. So? I might have to do a benefit for some pine cones.

155. - The forest is no respecter of fashion. - Really?

156. Look. Check out what I've got going on.

157. This is my look, yeah? Forest casual.

158. - Forest casual for the leafy gent. - What's this?

159. - Get off my juju beads. - Juju beads?

160. - They're Sugar Puffs. - Shut up. This is my look.

161. - You look like a knob. - We'll see who survives here.

162. You little pimp.

163. This is ridiculous. I mean, we're lost.

164. - How will we get back to the zoo? - Don't worry about that, OK?

165. Tommy taught me an efficient system of jungle navigation.

166. Ever since we set off, I've been leaving a trail of sweets.

167. We'll be able to retrace our steps, don't you worry.

168. - How are we gonna find Tommy? - Calm down. I've got it under control.

169. You've got to be at one with this place.

170. You've got to get with the bracken, move with the moss.

171. You've got to speak the forest's language.

172. I don't think the forest liked what you were saying.

173. It's just that one tree, OK?

174. - You having fun? - (Wolf howls)

175. - What was that? - Owls.

176. - Pretending to be wolves? - They're good mimics.

177. - What? - It's OK. I know how to deal with wolves.

178. - You simply punch it on the nose. - That's sharks, isn't it?

179. Works for any animal. Something Tommy taught me.

180. - He had a lot of wisdom in his head. - It was big enough.

181. - Don't bad-mouth my hero. - Will you ever shut up about Tommy?

182. Don't you understand anything? We're here to find him.

183. Rescue him, bring him back.

184. Do you love him?

185. You say one more thing about Tommy and you're on your own.

186. Did you kiss him?

187. - (Wolf howls) - Howard?

188. (Wolf) Ben Sherman. Mmm...

189. Howard?

190. Howard?

191. - Who are you? - I go by many names.

192. Well, what are they?

193. I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time.

194. Some call me Shatoon, bringer of corn.

195. Others call me Mickey Nine, the dream weaver.

196. Some call me Photoshop.

197. Others call me Trenu, the boiler.

198. Some call me Marjorie Keek.

199. Others call me Captain Mas...

200. Others call me... R-R-Rubbady-pubbady.

201. - Look, I haven't really got time for this. - Oi!

202. - Are you gonna tell me your real name? - My name is Rudi.

203. Rudi Van Der Saniel, jazz fusion guitarist.

204. - You are searching for something, yes? - Yeah. How do you know?

205. - I know all things. - Basically, I'm looking for my mate...

206. Do not tell me. Perhaps what you seek is inside yourself.

207. - No, it's not. - Damn. That usually works.

208. Well, then, let us see what is behind the door of Kakundu.

209. Ah. The sacred pipe.

210. - This is what you seek, yes? - No. I'm looking for my mate Howard.

211. I told you not to tell me. Your friend is dead.

212. - What? - Eaten by wolves.

213. By what?

214. Wolves.

215. Oh, here's your pipe.

216. Thanks, anyway.

217. Wait. You have passed the test.

218. - What test? - The pipe test.

219. Most men would have taken the pipe for it is worth well over 35 Euros.

220. But you have an honest heart. You brought it back to me.

221. So I will help you. Your friend is not dead. He is alive.

222. But he is deep in the centre of the jungle room.

223. - Can you take me there? - I cannot take you the whole way

224. for it is far too dangerous.

225. But I can take you some of the way. Hop upon my small section of Woodstock.

226. Right.

227. Let the journey commence.

228. - Is that it? - I can go no further.

229. - Oh, great. - Do not be afraid, pretty lady.

230. if you are in danger, play this simple tune and I will come to your aid.

231. Wow. Thanks, Rudi. You've been great. I don't know what to say.

232. Don't say anything. Simply kiss my balls.

233. - I'm not doing that. - You have passed the test.

234. - What test? - The ball test.

235. Most men would have kissed my balls for they are worth...

236. - Bye. - Good luck.

237. Hello, stranger. You look weary from your travels.

238. Come. Sit down and warm yourself by the fire.

239. Thank you.

240. Only two kinds of people venture this far into the depths of the jungle.

241. A fool or an idiot.

242. Well, if risking life and limb to rescue a great man makes me a fool,

243. then call me a fool.

244. - Well, fool... - Thanks.

245. - This person must be very important. - He is important. He's my mentor.

246. He's my hero.

247. Maybe this hero is closer than you think, Howard Moon.

248. - How do you know my name? - I thought you'd recognise my voice.

249. Oh, my God. Allan Holdsworth.

250. No, you numb nut. It is l, Tommy.

251. Tommy!

252. Whoa, now!

253. Woo! What's happening there?

254. Howard?

255. All right, mate? What's the problem?

256. - Where's Rudi? - The geezer with the Afro?

257. Oh, no. This happens all the time. You played the wrong tune.

258. He's doo-dee-do. I'm doo-dee-da.

259. He should get it changed. Losing a lot of business.

260. - Why? What do you do? - I'm a locksmith.

261. You haven't seen my mate Howard, have you? Kind of tall, scruffy hair.

262. Small eyes like a crab.

263. He's talking to a geezer with a big head.

264. Excellent. Cheers. Thanks, mate. See you later.

265. Don't blow that wrong number again, will you?

266. What, I walk home, do l?

267. Brilliant.

268. I have survived only by eating cheese.

269. And as the saying goes, you are what you eat.

270. And I am freaking cheese!

271. I have built up an enormous fatty deposit about my face, much like a camel.

272. But you can barely notice.

273. Yeah. Tommy, we've got to get you back.

274. You're the only one who can stop the sale of the zoo.

275. - Hey, Howard. - Ah! A Mod!

276. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

277. - What are you doing? - I am a Rocker! He is a Mod!

278. - We are mortal enemies! - He's a friend.

279. Oh, sorry.

280. - Who's this yellow lunatic? - Vince, this is Tommy.

281. - I found him. - I thought you said he was handsome.

282. - Shh. - That's OK, Howard. The Mod is right.

283. I haven't aged well.

284. But let me tell you something.

285. Beauty is but skin deep, my pointy friend.

286. Get ready for some Tommy magic. Here comes the wisdom.

287. Yes, my face is hideous to behold.

288. But when I dance, oh, how my beauty shines forth

289. and lights up the jungle!

290. Is that your hero?

291. - Yeah. He's gone a bit wrong. - I'm gonna stick with Jagger.

292. Oh!

293. - Tommy, that's enough. - Come join me.

294. No, this isn't a time for dancing, OK? We've got a long journey ahead.

295. Fools. I know how to get out of the jungle instantly.

296. - How? - Gather round. I will reveal all.

297. Come closer.

298. Not you, Fire.

299. - I leave this jungle every night. - How?

300. Through the dreams that come with cheese.

301. Mmm... I'm skiing in France. I'm flying a boat.

302. I'm turning tricks in Chad! Cheese dreams!

303. I'm off my ever-loving tits!

304. - Come on, Babybel. ♪ Cheese is a kind of meat

305. Stop. Stop.

306. I can't go on any further. I am too old.

307. You and your wife must go on without me.

308. But we're nearly there. We've got to get back, stop the sale of the zoo.

309. I am slowing you down and the wolves are getting closer.

310. - You must go on alone. - Come on. Let's go.

311. I'm not leaving him. If we go back without him, it's all been for nothing.

312. Howard, I have a plan to save the zoo.

313. - What plan? - First, you must kill me.

314. - I can't do that. - I could do that.

315. Do you mind? This is a poignant moment between me and my hero.

316. Listen, Howard. Remember the first thing I taught you?

317. - That dolphins are evil. - No. The other thing.

318. - We all die. - We all die.

319. But do we really die?

320. Perhaps even in death I can save the zoo.

321. But you must help me, Howard Moon.

322. - I think I understand. - You do understand.

323. - But do you really understand? - Yeah.

324. Now you must be the hero

325. and do what must be done.

326. Have you got anything bigger?

327. No. Sorry.

328. (Tommy) Yes... No... Oh, great. A little to the left.

329. Oh, good. No! Oooh! Nice.

330. Aaahh! Oh, not again! Yes!

331. Oooh, you're killing me! Oh, that's good!

332. - Have you done it? - He's in here. Don't prod him.

333. - How's this gonna help? - Don't worry. I've got a plan.

334. With this bag of cheesy gratings, we'll save the zoo. I'm the hero now.

335. All we've gotta do now is get back before the wolves arrive.

336. - Have you got another plan? - Punch them on the nose?

337. I'm gonna be down here weeping.

338. I don't wanna die. I've got so much to give.

339. - Howard? - What?

340. I think it's gonna be all right. Look.

341. Mod wolves.

342. And I'm king of the Mods.

343. See ya.

344. - It's locked. - Don't worry. Leave it to me.

345. Check this out.

346. Oh, no. Not you again, mate. I told you, I'm a locksmith.

347. - Can you open this? - Fair enough.

348. Oi, where's my fee?

349. Erm... You can have this pipe. It's worth over 35 Euros.

350. There you go.

351. - What's this? - Change.

352. Animals come and go, roads go on forever. Here's to Tarmac and to me.

353. - Can you just sign, please? - All right, all right. Pen.

354. Here, Bainbridge. You just click the end like this. Clickety-click, clickety...

355. Yeah, I know how it works.

356. - Wait. - What the hump are you doing here?

357. We thought you might want cheese to go with your wine.

358. - I hate cheese. - I'm quite partial to a bit of cheese.

359. I love cheese.

360. - Mmm. - Cracker?

361. I don't use them. Quite meaty. What is it?

362. - Tommyzola. - What?

363. Tommyzola. It's a kind of jungle cheese.

364. - Superb. - Can you sign? We have a lot to do.

365. - I will sign. - Good.

366. - But will I really sign? - What?

367. - Do you want to sell the zoo or not? - I do want to sell the zoo.

368. - But do I really want to sell the zoo? - This is ludicrous.

369. - It is, but is it really ludicrous? - We're leaving now.

370. - You are. But are you really leaving? - Yes.

371. - Bainbridge, you're acting crazy. - I am acting crazy.

372. - But am I really acting crazy? - It's the end of the show.

373. It is the end of the show, but is it really the...