1. Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's
Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.
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2. - All right?
- This week, the subject of heroes.
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3. What is a hero? Who is a hero?
Am l a hero?
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4. - No way.
- We'll tackle that question in the show.
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5. Can anyone be a hero any more
in the modern world?
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6. - Jagger. He's like...
- l mean real heroes.
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7. - He's a hero. He's a monkey genius.
- l'm talking about Livingstone.
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8. Explorers. People who went deep
into the heart of darkness
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9. to confront the terrifying abyss.
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10. What would Jagger do
when confronted by the abyss?
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11. He'd probably go like this.
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12. Enjoy the show.
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13. Downloaded from www.opensubtitles.org
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14. ..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.
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15. # Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
# The Mighty Boosh
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16. # Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #
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17. - Can l squirt for a bit?
- No. You buff, l squirt.
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18. l've been here longer than you.
Get on with it.
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19. - You're in a right mood. What's wrong?
- The zoo's falling apart.
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20. Never used to be like this.
Not when Tommy ran the zoo.
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21. # Tommy, where you go
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22. # Tommy,
where you go, where you go
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23. # Where are you now, Tommy? #
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24. - He's dead.
- He's not dead.
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25. Everyone knows he fell in the ocelot pit.
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26. - They never found his body.
- They munched on him like an old Twix.
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27. l find that difficult to believe. Tommy was
one of the greatest zookeepers ever.
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28. Ocelots were no match for him. He was
a great man. Powerful and handsome.
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29. Handsome? l've seen footage of him.
He had a big head.
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30. - Short, stocky legs.
- That was the look in the late '50s.
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31. - The barrel head?
- lt was all the rage.
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32. Women would swoon
when Tommy shuffled into a room.
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33. lt was a different aesthetic. None of
your fashionable androgyny in his day.
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34. He was a man's man. l mean, look at you.
Feather cut, pointy features.
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35. Put you in the '50s,
you'd be imprisoned for being a witch.
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36. - They'd lock you in a trunk.
- This is the Mod style.
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37. - You're not a Mod.
- l am. l'm king of the Mods.
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38. l'm getting into the Mod scene.
Check this guy out.
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39. - Who's that berk?
- Uber Mod.
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40. Look at his hair. lt's over a metre tall.
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41. - That's good, is it?
- Yeah. l reckon l could take his title.
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42. With enough cheap wizz and a powerful
hairdryer, l reckon l could beat that.
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43. Start off in Europe and take that title,
and then bang! Worldwide.
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44. Whoa! lt's gonna be enormous.
lt's gonna block out the sun.
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45. - You'll be in the shadows.
- Are you ill?
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46. - Tommy hated Mods.
- Thought he might.
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47. - They enraged him on sight.
- l thought they might.
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48. Cos he was a Rocker. Used to
go down to Brighton at weekends.
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49. lf he saw any Mods, he'd run at them,
head-butt them off their scooters.
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50. - Rockabilly Rhino, we called him.
- Sounds like the work of a violent dwarf.
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51. Well, he did have violent episodes,
that is true.
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52. But between those episodes,
there was a calmer side to Tommy.
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53. - A flip side.
- Yeah. Tommy was a dreamer.
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54. We all dream. But do we really dream?
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55. Yeah. We do.
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56. Yeah, but do we really dream?
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57. - Yeah, we do. What's your point?
- Tommy was a dreamer.
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58. He had many dreams.
He had dreams about this place, Vince.
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59. He dreamt about a zoo so small
it could fit inside a key.
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60. Not his best dream. He had
other dreams. That was Tommy's gift.
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61. He could move from dream to dream,
like the dream skipper.
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62. - Did he eat a lot of cheese?
- Yeah. A bit too much, actually.
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63. Yeah. He had a problem
with calcium build-up.
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64. - ls that why his head was...
- Yeah.
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65. - Well, whatever. He's dead, so...
- He's not dead.
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66. - What?
- He's alive.
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67. - He's dead.
- He's alive and guiding me. l sense him.
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68. Guiding you where?
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69. Guiding me about my business,
thank you very much.
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70. About your business?
You've gone wrong in your mind tank.
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71. - What are you on about?
- You've got to accept it. We all die.
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72. We all die. But do we really die?
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73. - What is that?
- Something Tommy taught me.
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74. Never stop questioning
the nature of reality.
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75. You're questioning it,
but are you really questioning it?
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76. - Now you're getting it.
- l am getting it.
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77. - But am l really getting it?
- That's enough now.
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78. lt is enough. But is it really enough?
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79. This is a staff announcement.
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80. You are all fired, so pack up
and ship out. Good day.
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81. - What's going on, Mr Fossil?
- Bainbridge is selling the zoo, Moon.
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82. - What do you mean?
- What part don't you get?
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83. Bainbridge sells zoo.
They're building a road over it.
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84. l'm gonna go to Miami
and take up golf.
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85. - Bainbridge can't sell the zoo.
- Why can't he?
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86. l'll tell you why. Because of Tommy.
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87. What do you know about Tommy?
Tommy's dead.
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88. They never found his body.
Under Zoo Regulation 409 subsection C,
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89. he's technically the owner
and you can't sell it.
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90. Thanks.
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91. Oh, yeah? Let me show you something.
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92. This is a contract.
lt said that Tommy owned the zoo
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93. but in the event of his disappearance,
after 10 years, it reverts to Bainbridge.
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94. Suck on that subsection.
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95. Right.
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96. Note to self. l hate whites.
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97. Hey, Naboo. How are you?
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98. - l can't believe Bainbridge is selling up.
- He's a ballbag.
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99. What are you gonna do? You'll be
all right. You're a shaman. Specialist job.
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100. - l might transform into a mighty hawk.
- A what?
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101. - Mighty hawk.
- Wow.
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102. Either that or work in Dixons.
l haven't decided.
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103. - That's a tough call.
- What about you?
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104. l am king of the Mods so l'll put
a parka on and walk about like that,
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105. chewing gum.
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106. lt's a shame, though.
l love this place. Gonna miss it.
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107. Well, when the lion roars and the wind
blows, who knows what might happen?
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108. What?
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109. Sorry.
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110. Balabang-mamphor...
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111. Hey, Naboo. Naboo?
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112. (Drumming)
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113. (Drumming stops)
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114. (Drumming)
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115. (Drumming stops)
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116. (Drumming)
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117. (Drumming stops and starts)
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118. (Drumming starts then fades)
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119. Don't try and take me on.
l'm king of the Mods.
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120. Put me through to Dixon Bainbridge.
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121. l don't know how to dial. Thank you.
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122. (Phone ringing)
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123. Dixon Bainbridge.
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124. Hello, Bainbridge. lt's Bobby-bob-bob.
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125. l'm busy, Fossil. ls there a problem
with the sale of the zoo?
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126. That's all fine and dandy. But Howard's
been asking questions about Tommy.
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127. You catch Moon sniffing around that
jungle room, do what we did last time.
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128. What, ride in a pick-up truck
and beat up midgets?
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129. Lock him in there. The place is crawling
with wolves. He'll be dead by dawn.
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130. - Oh, yeah. Right.
- Good day, sir.
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131. - Are you wearing any pants?
- l said good day, sir.
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132. Rhino!
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133. (Owl hoots)
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134. - So this is it?
- Yeah.
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135. The crazy times we've had here, eh?
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136. - Remember my first day?
- Yeah.
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137. You took me out of school.
You said GCSEs weren't important.
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138. l remember l was on frogs.
There was a newt involved.
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139. - l started trembling.
- Never tremble with a newt.
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140. - Exactly.
- You change its sex.
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141. - l didn't know that. You taught me that.
- Yeah.
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142. - Remember when that llama got out?
- Yeah.
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143. He went AWOL, he went crazy.
Started hoofing the public.
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144. Do you remember? He was out there
hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars.
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145. He got in a gift shop, put a moustache
on. A girl said, ''Can l have a pencil?''
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146. Hooo! Hoofed her out of the shop.
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147. Ah... No one could get near that llama.
But you, you got off on it.
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148. lt's one of the few ways
to calm a llama down.
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149. Calm a llama down.
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150. # Calmallama deep down in the ocean
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151. # Blue like a barnacle
Sittin' in a tight place
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152. # Laughing like a monkey,
l'm pulling like a China boy
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153. # Caraway, caraway, caraway, noise
Boing, tikka masala
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154. # Boing, tikka masala, oh!
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155. # Tooth, tooth, phoot! #
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156. Oh, well. l've got you something.
A little gift there.
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157. - Oh, thanks.
- Little something. Memento.
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158. When you look at that, you'll think of me.
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159. - What did you get me?
- Er...
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160. Oh. Erm...
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161. Oh, l got you this.
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162. - Where did you get this?
- l didn't steal it.
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163. - Where did you find it?
- Outside the old jungle room.
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164. - The old jungle room?
- This is Tommy's necklace.
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165. - So?
- Do you see what this means?
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166. No.
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167. Jungle room shut down ten years ago.
Tommy disappeared ten years ago.
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168. Shut down ten years ago. Tommy
disappeared ten years ago. Necklace...
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169. Tommy's in the jungle room.
We've got to get him.
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170. He can stop the sale of the zoo. Let's go!
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171. (Mad bongo drumming)
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172. Hey. How's it going?
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173. - What are you wearing?
- What?
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174. You can't go in the jungle
dressed like a Camden leisure pirate.
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175. - l'm king of the Mods.
- We're in a rainforest.
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176. So? l might have to do a benefit
for some pine cones.
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177. - The forest is no respecter of fashion.
- Really?
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178. Look. Check out what l've got going on.
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179. This is my look, yeah? Forest casual.
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180. - Forest casual for the leafy gent.
- What's this?
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181. - Get off my juju beads.
- Juju beads?
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182. - They're Sugar Puffs.
- Shut up. This is my look.
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183. - You look like a knob.
- We'll see who survives here.
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184. You little pimp.
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185. This is ridiculous. l mean, we're lost.
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186. - How will we get back to the zoo?
- Don't worry about that, OK?
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187. Tommy taught me an efficient system
of jungle navigation.
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188. Ever since we set off,
l've been leaving a trail of sweets.
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189. We'll be able to retrace our steps,
don't you worry.
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190. - How are we gonna find Tommy?
- Calm down. l've got it under control.
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191. You've got to be at one with this place.
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192. You've got to get with the bracken,
move with the moss.
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193. You've got to speak
the forest's language.
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194. # Cor-demahek-ayyy....
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195. # Cor-misahek... #
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196. l don't think the forest liked
what you were saying.
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197. lt's just that one tree, OK?
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198. - You having fun?
- (Wolf howls)
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199. - What was that?
- Owls.
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200. - Pretending to be wolves?
- They're good mimics.
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201. - What?
- lt's OK. l know how to deal with wolves.
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202. - You simply punch it on the nose.
- That's sharks, isn't it?
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203. Works for any animal.
Something Tommy taught me.
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204. - He had a lot of wisdom in his head.
- lt was big enough.
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205. - Don't bad-mouth my hero.
- Will you ever shut up about Tommy?
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206. Don't you understand anything?
We're here to find him.
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207. Rescue him, bring him back.
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208. Do you love him?
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209. You say one more thing about Tommy
and you're on your own.
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210. Did you kiss him?
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211. - (Wolf howls)
- Howard?
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212. (Wolf) Ben Sherman. Mmm...
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213. Howard?
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214. Howard?
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215. (# Guitar wailing)
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216. - Who are you?
- l go by many names.
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217. Well, what are they?
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218. l'm getting round to that
in my own good mystical time.
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219. Some call me Shatoon, bringer of corn.
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220. Others call me Mickey Nine,
the dream weaver.
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221. Some call me Photoshop.
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222. Others call me Trenu, the boiler.
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223. Some call me Marjorie Keek.
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224. Others call me Captain Mas....
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225. Others call me...R-R-Rubbady-pubbady.
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226. - Look, l haven't really got time for this.
- Oi!
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227. - Are you gonna tell me your real name?
- My name is Rudi.
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228. Rudi Van Der Saniel, jazz fusion guitarist.
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229. (# Plays fast lick)
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230. - You are searching for something, yes?
- Yeah. How do you know?
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231. - l know all things.
- Basically, l'm looking for my mate...
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232. Do not tell me. Perhaps what you seek
is inside yourself.
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233. - No, it's not.
- Damn. That usually works.
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234. Well, then, let us see what is behind
the door of Kakundu.
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235. (Creaking)
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236. (Groans)
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237. Ah. The sacred pipe.
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238. - This is what you seek, yes?
- No. l'm looking for my mate Howard.
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239. l told you not to tell me.
Your friend is dead.
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240. - What?
- Eaten by wolves.
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241. By what?
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242. Wolves.
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243. Oh, here's your pipe.
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244. Thanks, anyway.
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245. Wait. You have passed the test.
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246. - What test?
- The pipe test.
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247. Most men would have taken the pipe
for it is worth well over 35 Euros.
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248. But you have an honest heart.
You brought it back to me.
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249. So l will help you.
Your friend is not dead. He is alive.
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250. But he is deep in the centre
of the jungle room.
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251. - Can you take me there?
- l cannot take you the whole way
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252. for it is far too dangerous.
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253. But l can take you some of the way. Hop
upon my small section of Woodstock.
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254. Right.
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255. Let the journey commence.
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256. - ls that it?
- l can go no further.
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257. - Oh, great.
- Do not be afraid, pretty lady.
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258. lf you are in danger, play this simple tune
and l will come to your aid.
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259. (# Plays three notes)
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260. Wow. Thanks, Rudi. You've been great.
l don't know what to say.
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261. Don't say anything. Simply kiss my balls.
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262. - l'm not doing that.
- You have passed the test.
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263. - What test?
- The ball test.
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264. Most men would have kissed my balls
for they are worth...
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265. - Bye.
- Good luck.
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266. Hello, stranger.
You look weary from your travels.
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267. Come. Sit down
and warm yourself by the fire.
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268. Thank you.
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269. Only two kinds of people venture this far
into the depths of the jungle.
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270. A fool or an idiot.
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271. Well, if risking life and limb
to rescue a great man makes me a fool,
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272. then call me a fool.
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273. - Well, fool...
- Thanks.
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274. - This person must be very important.
- He is important. He's my mentor.
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275. He's my hero.
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276. Maybe this hero is closer than you think,
Howard Moon.
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277. - How do you know my name?
- l thought you'd recognise my voice.
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278. Oh, my God. Allan Holdsworth.
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279. No, you numb nut. lt is l, Tommy.
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280. Tommy!
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281. Whoa, now!
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282. Woo! What's happening there?
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283. Howard?
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284. (Wolf howling)
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285. (# Plays different three notes)
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286. All right, mate? What's the problem?
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287. - Where's Rudi?
- The geezer with the Afro?
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288. Oh, no. This happens all the time.
You played the wrong tune.
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289. He's doo-dee-do. l'm doo-dee-da.
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290. He should get it changed.
Losing a lot of business.
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291. - Why? What do you do?
- l'm a locksmith.
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292. You haven't seen my mate Howard,
have you? Kind of tall, scruffy hair.
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293. Small eyes like a crab.
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294. He's talking to a geezer with a big head.
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295. Excellent. Cheers.
Thanks, mate. See you later.
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296. Don't blow that wrong number again,
will you?
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297. What, l walk home, do l?
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298. Brilliant.
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299. l have survived only by eating cheese.
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300. And as the saying goes,
you are what you eat.
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301. And l am freaking cheese!
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302. l have built up an enormous fatty deposit
about my face, much like a camel.
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303. But you can barely notice.
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304. Yeah. Tommy, we've got to get you back.
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305. You're the only one
who can stop the sale of the zoo.
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306. - Hey, Howard.
- Ah! A Mod!
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307. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
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308. - What are you doing?
- l am a Rocker! He is a Mod!
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309. - We are mortal enemies!
- He's a friend.
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310. Oh, sorry.
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311. - Who's this yellow lunatic?
- Vince, this is Tommy.
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312. - l found him.
- l thought you said he was handsome.
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313. - Shh.
- That's OK, Howard. The Mod is right.
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314. l haven't aged well.
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315. But let me tell you something.
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316. Beauty is but skin deep,
my pointy friend.
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317. Get ready for some Tommy magic.
Here comes the wisdom.
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318. Yes, my face is hideous to behold.
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319. But when l dance,
oh, how my beauty shines forth
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320. and lights up the jungle!
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321. Cheese is a kind of meat
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322. A tasty yellow beef
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323. l milk it from my teat
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324. But l try to be discreet
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325. Ooh, cheese
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326. Ooh, cheese
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327. ls that your hero?
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328. - Yeah. He's gone a bit wrong.
- l'm gonna stick with Jagger.
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329. (Human beatbox)
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330. Oh!
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331. - Tommy, that's enough.
- Come join me.
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332. No, this isn't a time for dancing, OK?
We've got a long journey ahead.
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333. Fools. l know how to get out
of the jungle instantly.
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334. - How?
- Gather round. l will reveal all.
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335. Come closer.
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336. Not you, Fire.
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337. - l leave this jungle every night.
- How?
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338. Through the dreams
that come with cheese.
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339. Mmm... l'm skiing in France.
l'm flying a boat.
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340. l'm turning tricks in Chad!
Cheese dreams!
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341. l'm off my ever-loving tits!
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342. - Come on, Babybel.
- # Cheese is a kind of meat
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343. # A tasty yellow beef! #
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344. Stop. Stop.
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345. l can't go on any further. l am too old.
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346. You and your wife
must go on without me.
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347. But we're nearly there. We've got
to get back, stop the sale of the zoo.
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348. l am slowing you down
and the wolves are getting closer.
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349. - You must go on alone.
- Come on. Let's go.
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350. l'm not leaving him. lf we go back
without him, it's all been for nothing.
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351. Howard, l have a plan to save the zoo.
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352. - What plan?
- First, you must kill me.
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353. - l can't do that.
- l could do that.
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354. Do you mind? This is a poignant
moment between me and my hero.
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355. Listen, Howard.
Remember the first thing l taught you?
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356. - That dolphins are evil.
- No. The other thing.
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357. - We all die.
- We all die.
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358. But do we really die?
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359. Perhaps even in death
l can save the zoo.
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360. But you must help me, Howard Moon.
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361. - l think l understand.
- You do understand.
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362. - But do you really understand?
- Yeah.
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363. Now you must be the hero
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364. and do what must be done.
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365. Have you got anything bigger?
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366. No. Sorry.
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367. (Tommy shouts)
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368. (Tommy)
Yes... No... Oh, great. A little to the left.
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369. Oh, good. No! Oooh! Nice.
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370. Aaahh! Oh, not again! Yes!
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371. Oooh, you're killing me! Oh, that's good!
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372. - Have you done it?
- He's in here. Don't prod him.
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373. - How's this gonna help?
- Don't worry. l've got a plan.
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374. With this bag of cheesy gratings,
we'll save the zoo. l'm the hero now.
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375. All we've gotta do now is get back
before the wolves arrive.
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376. (Wolves howl)
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377. - Have you got another plan?
- Punch them on the nose?
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378. l'm gonna be down here weeping.
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379. l don't wanna die.
l've got so much to give.
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380. - Howard?
- What?
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381. l think it's gonna be all right. Look.
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382. Mod wolves.
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383. And l'm king of the Mods.
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384. (# Hymn-like Hammond organ chords)
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385. (# Hammond organ groove)
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386. See ya.
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387. - lt's locked.
- Don't worry. Leave it to me.
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388. Check this out.
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389. (# Plays three notes)
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390. Oh, no. Not you again, mate.
l told you, l'm a locksmith.
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391. - Can you open this?
- Fair enough.
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392. (# Hammond organ groove)
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393. Oi, where's my fee?
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394. Erm... You can have this pipe.
lt's worth over 35 Euros.
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395. There you go.
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396. - What's this?
- Change.
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397. Animals come and go, roads go on
forever. Here's to Tarmac and to me.
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398. - Can you just sign, please?
- All right, all right. Pen.
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399. Here, Bainbridge. You just click the end
like this. Clickety-click, clickety...
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400. Yeah, l know how it works.
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401. - Wait.
- What the hump are you doing here?
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402. We thought you might want cheese
to go with your wine.
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403. - l hate cheese.
- l'm quite partial to a bit of cheese.
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404. l love cheese.
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405. - Mmm.
- Cracker?
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406. l don't use them. Quite meaty. What is it?
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407. - Tommyzola.
- What?
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408. Tommyzola. lt's a kind of jungle cheese.
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409. - Superb.
- Can you sign? We have a lot to do.
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410. - l will sign.
- Good.
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411. - But will l really sign?
- What?
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412. - Do you want to sell the zoo or not?
- l do want to sell the zoo.
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413. - But do l really want to sell the zoo?
- This is ludicrous.
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414. - lt is, but is it really ludicrous?
- We're leaving now.
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415. - You are. But are you really leaving?
- Yes.
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416. - Bainbridge, you're acting crazy.
- l am acting crazy.
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417. - But am l really acting crazy?
- lt's the end of the show.
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418. lt is the end of the show,
but is it really the...
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419. (# Funky groove)
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420. Tip for download: Open Subtitles MKV Player
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