The Mighty Boosh 1x2

Matt Berry as Dixon Bainbridge

All is not well at the Zoo-niverse. Animals are disappearing one by one. Things go from bad to worse when Joey Moose, one of the zookeepers, goes missing. When Mrs Gideon reports that her python is also on the missing list, Howard is determined to save the day. Howard and Vince stumble across Dixon Bainbridge's secret laboratory and the terrible truth behind his ‘experiments' comes to light.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hi. Welcome to the show. I'm Howard Moon, this is Vince Noir.

2. All right.

3. This week we're dealing with immortality.

4. Can a man live on after his death?

5. I'd like to think I will be remembered many years after my own death.

6. - What for? - For the things I say and do.

7. Like what? "Have you seen my light blue trousers? Can I have a crisp?"

8. There are many things I do that you don't know about.

9. Really. What things?

10. Once a month one euro goes out of my account straight into a charity.

11. Direct debit. Whoosh.

12. - That's how you'll be remembered? - Yes.

13. - For euro generosity? - I don't need to be remembered

14. - cos I'll be in the future. - How?

15. Cryogenics. Are you aware of cryogenics?

16. - I've heard people say it. - I'll have my head frozen cryogenically

17. and put in a jar, and 12,000 years from now they'll revivify me

18. and I'll be the head in a jar.

19. They'll wheel me out at ceremonies, consult me like an oracle.

20. Why not get your whole body frozen?

21. It's not the way it works in the future,

22. it's just heads, floating about at ceremonies.

23. Well, I'm gonna get my hair frozen. lmagine that.

24. Then future generations can get it out and look at it

25. - and see what's possible. - Where are my light blue trousers?

26. - I gave them to Leroy. - What for?

27. He took a shine to 'em.

28. Don't give my trousers to people.

29. - if you've got a problem, see Leroy. - I'm going to.

30. - Go on then. - Leroy!

31. Welcome to the show.

32. ..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.

33. Welcome to the Zooniverse, where all your dreams come true... niverse.

34. I'm general manager Bob Fossil, and I'm a human.

35. Now, our first stop today on the tour is the largest animal in the zoo,

36. the Grey Leg-Face Man.

37. - What? - You know, the Grey Leg-Face.

38. He's got legs, and another leg on his face.

39. The elephant.

40. Well, yeah, if you want to get technical, Mr Smarty-Pants.

41. There he is, over there.

42. - I can't see him. - Well, he's camouflaged.

43. He's adapting to his natural environment.

44. Look! There he went! Oh, my God, you just missed him.

45. - Boy, he's fast. - Why aren't there any animals here?

46. Well... why are you people so small?

47. Huh? I could rest my drinks on your head!

48. I want my mummy.

49. Hey, let's sing a song, huh?

50. Everybody! ♪ Nicey nicey zoo zoo

51. Whoa!

52. Chin up.

53. Nice.

54. - Hey. - Hey, Howard.

55. - What you up to? - I'm doing Bollo's portrait.

56. - I'm doing him as Caesar. - Nice, nice.

57. - You can do me next. - I can't really do people.

58. Yeah but my face is a gift to any portrait artist.

59. - Could be difficult. - Do me as a Greek god, fighter pilot.

60. It's just you're a bit generic looking.

61. How dare you? What are you saying about my face?

62. l... l didn't mean that in a bad way.

63. - How did you mean it? - It's good to be generic.

64. - How? - Spying.

65. - Spying? - Look...

66. all I'm saying is look at Bollo. Look at his face - all the lines.

67. Look at his weather-beaten mush - the years in the jungle, the circus,

68. that chat show he hosted - it's all there.

69. You haven't done anything. Your head's like a man's thigh.

70. What? You can have too much going on in your face, you know.

71. All a bit too busy. All the features jostling for position.

72. Yeah? The eyes screaming out, the nose.

73. It's very visually noisy, your face.

74. - Visually noisy? - A brass band under a wig...

75. - marching towards me every day. - Look at your face. It's ambient.

76. - It's like The Orb's third album. - Take that back.

77. - I'm just saying, get some accessories. - What?

78. Bring your face out - get a pipe, a pink cowboy hat.

79. Bring my face out? I should knock yours back.

80. - (Grunts) - All right.

81. - (Grunting) - Easy.

82. - It's all right, Bollo. - I don't need accessories.

83. I'm Howard Moon - the man, the myth, the maverick.

84. - Hi, Vince. - Hey, Mrs Gideon.

85. - Have you seen my python? - No.

86. Only he's not in his cage and I thought maybe he was here.

87. - Hi, Bollo. - Quite slippery characters, snakes, eh?

88. That's a popular misconception - snakes are dry.

89. Anyway, if you see him, his name's Tony.

90. All right, cool, I'll bring him round.

91. - I didn't know you were a painter. - I've got a BTEC National.

92. - I could do your portrait. - Yeah, maybe.

93. You're head of reptiles, yeah?

94. I'd probably do you as Medusa.

95. Oh, that sounds good.

96. - You can't do people. - I'm branching out.

97. - Are you? - Who are you?

98. Howard. Howard Moon. I work here.

99. - You're new. - No, I've worked here for ten years.

100. - Part time. - Full time.

101. I see you every day, Mrs Gideon. It's me, Howard, crazy Howard.

102. - OK. - I'll keep an eye out for the snake.

103. You know, if I see it I'll let you know.

104. I love snakes. Real big fan of the snake, you know. Yeah...

105. - You're scared of snakes. - I've got great stories about snakes.

106. One got out, went down the street, went AWOL, ended up in a launderette,

107. got into one of the driers and when they got him out it was small.

108. Really small, the whole...

109. Anyway, if you see Tony you let me know.

110. - Yeah. Having fun, are you? - Yeah.

111. - Gonna do her portrait? - I might try a nude.

112. Let me tell you - you go near her and I'll come at you like a mighty bazooka.

113. I love that lady, right?

114. - Listen, start any funny business... - Or else?

115. Bollo'll rinse you out like a hot flannel.

116. Where is he?

117. - Bollo? - Bollo?

118. Who the hell is that?

119. Bobby Bob Bob, king of the doughnut people!

120. Get inside.

121. Hey. Wow!

122. This place is amazing.

123. Don't touch that!

124. - I got the animal you wanted. - Excellent.

125. - Get me another one. - Well, we can't do that,

126. there aren't any more left.

127. Get me a person then.

128. - A human person? - A human person.

129. Everybody's been bugging me about Joey Moose.

130. - Who? - The Australian keeper

131. who disappeared in the reptile house.

132. Make something up. Say he got eaten by the python.

133. - The who? - The windy man! The long mover!

134. Oh, yeah.

135. Hey, Bainbridge, what are you up to in here?

136. I'd really like to get involved in your shady operations.

137. if you can keep your stupid mouth shut you stand to make about 100 euros,

138. maybe more, depending on the bureau de change.

139. - Wow. - Take a look in there.

140. No!

141. Who are you? How can I understand you?

142. Shut that door, you idiot!

143. He got out! I'll take care of it.

144. - I'll go get him. - I'll get him.

145. You smooth things over with the staff.

146. My nuts.

147. OK, people, bad news on two fronts.

148. First, our turnip shipment arrived 25 minutes late

149. so consequently there will be no turnips for lunch.

150. (Screams) No!

151. Second, Joey Moose, one of our most beloved zoo keepers,

152. has been killed.

153. But the good news is we found out who the culprit is!

154. - So who was it? - It was the long mover.

155. - (Man) Who? - You know, the windy man.

156. - The python? - Yeah.

157. - We're gonna hang him tonight. - You can't.

158. Course you can, he's all neck.

159. - Who's with me? - I run a safe reptile house

160. and I know my python wouldn't do that.

161. Why? Cos he gives you chocolates and kisses your lady lumps?

162. No, because my python couldn't kill Joey

163. because to kill a man you need a much bigger bite radius.

164. Well, bite my radius, lady-us!

165. You've been a great crowd!

166. - Fossil, you're an idiot. - I resent that.

167. Is anyone going to stand up to this man or are you scared of him?

168. I stand with Mrs Gideon.

169. Who are you?

170. Howard Moon. We just spoke ten minutes ago.

171. Hm.

172. - Anyone else? - Where's the lemur?

173. - He's lost. - Where's the squid?

174. - Where's the what? - Where's my frog?

175. - You smoked it last night! - Oh, yeah.

176. - Where's the cow? - Shut up!

177. - Where's Bollo? - Stop it!

178. Nicey nicey zoo zoo zoo zoo!

179. - (Gunshot) - (Screams)

180. - Don't worry, I'm sorting things out. - Where are the animals?

181. - I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. - Shut up, Moon.

182. - You want a piece of me? - A piece of you, Moon?

183. - You haven't got it to give. - You're lucky Vince is a delicate flower

184. - who doesn't like violence. - Get him!

185. And I've got flu. I had flu. I'm not quite 100% yet.

186. if it wasn't for that I'd be on you like a powerful moss.

187. - You're pathetic, Moon. - Yeah?

188. - Well, step on in whenever you're ready. - Now.

189. - Er, now? - Right now.

190. - What do you mean? - Right now.

191. - Now? - You and l, right now!

192. - if you want to go now, we can go now. - Let's go.

193. - Come on! Mano a mano! - Whenever.

194. - I can pencil you in later. - (Growls) Right now!

195. - Next Tuesday? Today? - (Growls) Right now!

196. This morning? In this actual place?

197. - Now! - (Animal grunting)

198. Yeah! You better run - don't mess with the power of the Moon!

199. Try and capture that look I gave Bainbridge before he ran.

200. - What look? - You know, that mean look.

201. - My signature look. - He wasn't running away from you.

202. He was running from something, and that something was me.

203. - My mean look. - I'm not sure that was it.

204. - How's it coming on? - It's almost there. Come and look.

205. - What do you reckon? - Where's my face?

206. - What? - Where's my face exactly?

207. There.

208. Could you make me look less like a balloon?

209. - What? - There's nothing there.

210. - I paint what I see. - And you see that?

211. - Don't you like it? - No.

212. There's a space where my face should be.

213. Space? That's not a space, that's your face.

214. That is nothing. That is a featureless ball on top of a suit.

215. - Oh, hi. - Vince, help me!

216. Don't touch my hair.

217. - I need your help. - Can I help at all?

218. - That's very good, it's just like him. - Yeah.

219. - You have an affinity with animals. - I'm pretty good. Who told you that?

220. - Everyone knows. - I'm not a circus freak.

221. I need you to talk to the cobra - he's opposite the python

222. so maybe he knows what happened.

223. I don't get on that well with snakes. I'm small monkeys and lizards.

224. I understand but can you try?

225. All right. For you I'll give it a go.

226. Thank you, Vince.

227. Can I touch your hair now?

228. Go on then, quickly.

229. I said touch it, not grab it.

230. Well, I'll send him over and...

231. Something funny? Something funny, is there?

232. Oh...

233. - That's a good one. - What's he saying?

234. I'm just getting him loosened up with some gags about rattlesnakes.

235. It's an amazing gift, isn't it?

236. Yeah. Well... yes, it is a gift.

237. I could talk to the cobra myself, chose not to.

238. I thought I'd let him have a go. I'm training him up.

239. I have a real simpatico with the snake, you know?

240. Real... yeah. I respect it, and I love the way they move.

241. - Oh, beautiful creatures. - Yeah.

242. I sometimes feel very much like a snake myself sometimes,

243. the way they shed their skin and...

244. Sometimes I'd like to take all my skin off and just writhe about.

245. That's disgusting.

246. I meant like a metaphor for...

247. It's still disgusting.

248. .. identity.

249. (Cobra) Speak English, fool.

250. - Sorry. - Your face is confusing enough.

251. All right. Mr Rogers, you gotta tell me what you saw last night.

252. I do something for you, you do something for me.

253. - What do you want? - In lndia I danced for the king,

254. I want to dance again.

255. - Snake charming. - Yes.

256. We can make it more modern, bring it up to date,

257. mix in some harsh tasty beats - drum'n'bass style.

258. Drum'n'bass? What is drum'n'bass?

259. Leave that to me. We're gonna make a fortune!

260. We can split the profits 50/50.

261. - 60/40. - What?

262. Nothing, my pretty.

263. Now what do you want from me?

264. - What happened last night? - Look into my eyes...

265. all will be revealed...

266. It was Bainbridge. He took the python and Joey Moose.

267. - I knew it. - Let's get him.

268. Whoa there, Mowgli, it's time for me to take over.

269. I'll track him down.

270. This is a dangerous mission, Mrs Gideon, but I'll do it.

271. I may not come back from it - all I ask is that you remember me.

272. Who was that?

273. That's a filthy habit you've got, Moon.

274. (Muttering) where am l?

275. (Bainbridge) The idiot has awoken.

276. - Times have changed, Moon. - What's going on?

277. Zoos are over - you see a rhino, big deal. You see a wolf - who cares?

278. You see a rhino with a wolf's head - that's a kind of twisted poetry.

279. I have devised a method of splicing animals together.

280. - What's that got to do with me? - I'll tell you.

281. Earlier this morning you foolishly squared up to me,

282. asked if I wanted a piece of you.

283. I'll take that piece now - the head, to be precise.

284. - You can't have my head. - I'm gonna take your head

285. and splice it onto the body of a snake.

286. Thus.

287. Couldn't draw the face but it's self-explanatory.

288. You won't get away with this, I'll come after you.

289. Oh, really? I'd like to see that with the body of a snake and the balls of a chimp.

290. Love to chat but I arranged to meet Max for a ploughman's.

291. Back in half an hour - to splice you silly.

292. Yeah? You'll never get away with this, Bainbridge!

293. Joey Moose disappears, nobody cares.

294. Howard Moon disappears, you got a riot on your hands!

295. Crowds of people will be tearing this place apart in a frenzy!

296. .. sitting in a tree K-l-S-S-l-N-G...

297. Can you keep still, you batty crease? I'm trying to do your portrait.

298. I'm having visions. They're coming thick and fast.

299. - What visions? - My shaman senses are tingling.

300. - What are you on about? - I see a shark with knees.

301. - What? - A bat with the face of a spider.

302. And something else. Bainbridge has got Howard.

303. He's in danger. We have to go and save him.

304. - Where is he? - A secret lab somewhere in the zoo.

305. - Where? - The vision's fading. I can't see.

306. Oh, it's coming back. Oh, no, that's athletics.

307. How am I gonna find the secret lab?

308. The answer lies within your painting.

309. Ah.

310. Oh, right. Secret lab.

311. Yeah. Cool.

312. So... that's where that is, you're there,

313. It's over there.

314. Oh, right. Excellent.

315. No. No!

316. - It's me, you idiot. - No!

317. - What? - You got something between your teeth.

318. Oh, yeah. I had broccoli for lunch.

319. - Oh, right. - How's it going on your solo mission?

320. - Very well, thank you. - Yeah?

321. I followed Bainbridge into his secret lab, I found Mrs Gideon's python,

322. - it's all sorted. - Wow. So it's all good, yeah?

323. - Yeah. - How come you're lying down then?

324. It was quite tiring.

325. - How come you strapped yourself in? - Didn't want to fall off.

326. Well, I'll see you back at the hut.

327. Vince, get me out of here, will you? Vince. Vince! Vince!

328. Vince!

329. - Get me out of here. - (Chuckles)

330. - Something funny? - You idiot.

331. Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

332. - Hey, what's that? - Don't look there.

333. - What's going on there? - There's some bad juju afoot. Oh!

334. - Who's there? - Don't look at us, we are ashamed.

335. - Who are you? - We are ugly.

336. We are mutants. Oh, shame.

337. - No, do not be ashamed. - Oh.

338. We're trained zoo keepers. Come forwards.

339. Oh, you're grotesque.

340. Oh!

341. Sorry.

342. Sorry about that. Please, do not be afraid.

343. Come forwards. Come into the light.

344. Further.

345. - Split the difference? - Oh, double shame.

346. - What are you? - We don't know what we are!

347. - Are we postmen? - Shut up, dingball!

348. We are mutant animals. Dixon Bainbridge made us.

349. He is the lord. He brings the pain and the heal.

350. We're gonna give you something now.

351. Something Dixon Bainbridge can never take away -

352. - your freedom. - (Mutants mutter)

353. Freedom? What is freedom?

354. Freedom is a place.

355. A place without bars.

356. Without keys, without locks. A place without...

357. - (Mutant) Cops? - What?

358. Are there cops?

359. Er, yeah. It's not really about that.

360. ls there bacon?

361. It's not about what there is and isn't, it's more of an abstract concept.

362. - What is bacon? - Shut up!

363. I am speaking to the five finger. I am the prettiest one here.

364. I am the only one bright enough. (Gurgles)

365. Look, it's time for you to break free from the zoo now.

366. (All) # Nicey nicey zoo zoo

367. Shut up! It's time for you to sing your own song now.

368. Time to march to the beat of your own drum.

369. Who are you that would give us our freedom?

370. Who I am is not important.

371. - Oh, OK then. - It's Howard Moon, if you want to know.

372. - Harry Moon? - Howard Moon.

373. We're gonna leave you now but never forget

374. it was Dixon Bainbridge who turned you into

375. the hopeless race of despicable freaks that you are.

376. - (All groan) - See you then.

377. - Take care. - Single file.

378. ls there bacon outside?

379. (Bainbridge, laughs) OK, Max, bye.

380. Give my love to Cindy. Cheers.

381. Stupid asshole.

382. Pucker up, Moon, it's splicing time.

383. - Surprise! - Get back in your cages!

384. We will obey you no longer, Bainbridge.

385. Listen, I am your lord! You will obey me!

386. Chigwack, Aleready, get in your cage!

387. Jet, Patrick, Bonocute!

388. - What do you want? - Sign here, please.

389. Shut up! We want our freedom.

390. Freedom? Don't make me laugh! You're nothing!

391. Oh, we are much more than that.

392. Here you go, Mrs Gideon, he's in there.

393. - I don't know what to say. - Don't say anything, it was nothing.

394. Oh, all right then.

395. Well, it was quite a dangerous life-threatening mission.

396. - Oh, right. Thanks, Vince. - It's all right.

397. And thank you too...

398. Howard.

399. Our pleasure.

400. This one's going out to the cobra massive!

401. MC Rogers, big it up now!

402. MC Corn Snake, DJ Gecko,

403. DJ Spit-In-Your-Eye, DJ Venom - they're all here!

404. Let's go! Funk it! The vibe is big, the room is small.

405. Yeah! Shed your skin!