The Legend of Vox Machina 1x1

Directed by Young Heller

Logic as Palace Guard / Palace Guard 3 (voice) • Mason Alexander Park as Tavern Keeper (voice) • Zoe O'Brien as Girl (voice) • Maximus Riegel as Boy (voice) • David Tennant as General Kreig (voice)

The ragtag group of adventurers known as Vox Machina are commissioned by Sovereign Uriel to find out who (or what) is decimating villages in the outskirts of Emon.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Long ago, in another realm

2. stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei.

3. Once the battlefield of gods and titans,

4. its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery.

5. It was a time of peace...

6. until a great evil arrived.

7. A brave group of heroes banded together,

8. ready to face this evil.

9. Hold fast. The beast approaches.

10. - What the fuck?

11. You shall pay for y...

12. - Holy sh...

13. Humanity will never fall to y...

14. Well, that was... something.

15. Fuck!

16. All of our mercenaries slaughtered like lambs.

17. I state my case again, Sovereign Uriel:

18. send our army to challenge whatever this fiend is

19. before it decimates the entire kingdom.

20. Perhaps we have been ill-advised

21. in our strategy, sire.

22. I propose we attempt to capture the beast

23. and use it as a weapon against our enemies.

24. I must object, Sir Fince.

25. We don't even know what the creature is.

26. Demon? Elemental?

27. And how do you propose we capture it?

28. Lady Allura is right.

29. - But sire... - I will not send our remaining army

30. beyond the city walls until we know who or what our enemy is.

31. We must find more mercenaries.

32. And where, might I ask?

33. The Torian Butchers are butchered,

34. the Murder Hobos murdered, the Death Dealers are all dead.

35. - Then find someone worthy!

36. Do not rest until you bring me

37. the greatest band of mercenaries in all of Tal'Dorei.

38. Chug, chug, chug!

39. Chug! Chug! Chug!

40. - Yeah!

41. That's right! Who's the best?

42. Yeah!

43. Grog wins. Again.

44. Fuck me.

45. Why do we always play drinking games

46. with a guy twice our size?

47. Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously.

48. Who's drunk?

49. Not me. I'm great.

50. I think we should go to another...

51. another...

52. Didn't you only have one ale?

53. Oh. So chunky.

54. Watch it, bitch.

55. Hey. You watch it, dicknose.

56. Easy, Grog.

57. We don't waste our time on talking assholes, remember?

58. - Hmm. - Oi, tavern keep.

59. Another round for Vox Machina,

60. the greatest band of mercenaries in all the realm.

61. The greatest?

62. I heard you couldn't even rescue a cow from a burning barn.

63. "Vox Machina." What a fucking joke.

64. Let's keep things civil, friend.

65. We're not looking for trouble.

66. - Oh, I'll bet you ain't.

67. Everyone knows you're a bunch of pathetic losers

68. who can't get a fucking job.

69. Look at your scrawny ass.

70. Too weak to tickle your own pickle.

71. Are you offering to help?

72. Yeah. U-Uh, well, no. I... fuck you!

73. Oh, I'm only asking you to give me a hand.

74. You know, Vax, I think he's willing.

75. Ooh, can I keep this?

76. Don't just stand there gawking, louts.

77. Kill them!

78. I had him.

79. - Hmm.

80. - I'm coming, Percy! - Oh, no.

81. Oops.

82. Pike, love, can you try to stay out of the way?

83. Hey, come on. You tripped over me.

84. I'll take that.

85. Not bad, brother.

86. Why does this happen every time we go out drinking?

87. Good boy, Trinket.

88. Over here.

89. Grog, step aside.

90. Oh, bollocks.

91. Where the hell is Scanlan?

92. - For goodness' sakes.

93. Percy, the hell, man?

94. If you want to join in, you got to ask first.

95. Scanlan, I should've known.

96. Could you put on some pants and help us?

97. You got to be shitting me.

98. Stop!

99. First, you people drink me dry,

100. then you destroy my tavern.

101. And-and what is that gnome doing with my daughter?

102. - Mmm...

103. It's probably best you don't know.

104. Who's paying for all this?

105. Goodness, such a mess. Absolutely dreadful.

106. But I can assure you, darling,

107. Vox Machina will find those responsible...

108. Uh-uh, don't even try it.

109. Money, now.

110. Well, you see...

111. We don't exactly have any money on us, per se,

112. but if you give me five...

113. Uh, hello? Yes, excuse me.

114. Ah.

115. Thank you, much appreciated.

116. And stay out!

117. Does this mean we're officially banned

118. from every tavern in Emon?

119. Wonderful.

120. We've got no money, no place to live

121. and fuck all for prospects.

122. Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate

123. the last fellow who hired us.

124. Well, I apologized, didn't I?

125. We have a mountain of debts and— oh, good—

126. three silver to our name.

127. We need a job. Anything, at this point.

128. I mean, if protecting carts from swindlers

129. and killing goblins for gold isn't getting us anywhere,

130. I don't know, maybe...

131. maybe we could try doing some good this time?

132. - Nah... - Boring.

133. Pike, ethics are a luxury

134. we currently can't afford.

135. Have you guys ever thought

136. maybe we're not really meant to do this?

137. I mean, Vex and Vax

138. - only care about themselves. - Well, fuck you.

139. - Grog just wants to murder everyone. - Yeah, pretty much.

140. Percy barely wants to be seen with us in public,

141. - and Scanlan wants... - To bed everyone in the realm.

142. Yes, you can say it, Keyleth. I'm not ashamed.

143. Honestly, why are we even together?

144. Well, while you're all moping around,

145. I have to drain the proverbial basilisk.

146. Hmm?

147. - Oh... Oh, apologies.

148. - It has a mind of its own sometimes.

149. What's the matter with you?

150. - Come on. - Hmm.

151. This!

152. This is our purpose.

153. Fighting for justice, for glory,

154. protecting the kingdom and stuff.

155. And most importantly—

156. lots of money!

157. We're really gonna see the sovereign

158. looking like this?

159. Halt.

160. Okay, we'll take you in, but the bear waits outside.

161. It's okay, buddy. We'll be back soon.

162. Lady Kima, it is imperative

163. Lord and Lady Briarwood join us.

164. - Sire, Whitestone hasn't been heard from in months. - Excuse me?

165. - Our last messenger never returned. - Excuse me?

166. They must be warned of these attacks.

167. - Send another guardsman straight away.

168. I'm sorry, who the hell are you?

169. Vox Machina. You see,

170. it's actually a somewhat clever play on words...

171. Honestly, we don't care.

172. Sire, I warned you

173. the notices would attract the scum of Emon.

174. Excuse you?

175. I think Sir Fince means a foe this deadly

176. - requires more seasoned... - Krieg, don't bother

177. with these drunken buffoons.

178. Guards?

179. Buffoons? Clearly you've never heard

180. of the Legend of Vox Machina.

181. Allow me to give you a proper introduction.

182. Oh, gods, here we go.

183. - He's Vax. - She's Vex.

184. - Oh. Uh, sorry.

185. - Uh, thank you very much.

186. - Oh. - Mm, okay. Uh...

187. - Uh... - Give the council a moment

188. to discuss your curious group.

189. You can't be seriously considering them

190. for such a crucial task.

191. Sovereign, their reputation is less than stellar.

192. Well, they do have a bear.

193. It looked quite ferocious. And the song was entertaining.

194. Why not give them a chance?

195. Perhaps there is more than meets the eye

196. with these warriors.

197. - Eh?

198. Yeah, doubt it.

199. Let's just call in Agar's Assassins again.

200. Uh, Agar apparently had his hand chopped off in a barroom brawl.

201. Oh, shit.

202. Very well.

203. You're hired, Vox Machina.

204. Mainly because I like the bear.

205. Lady Allura will accompany you to the Shale Steps,

206. the village closest to the last attack.

207. So, what exactly are we killing,

208. and how much are we making?

209. We don't know what you're killing,

210. but once you kill it, all this is yours.

211. Uh, one more question.

212. Yeah, how are we supposed to get there?

213. Brother, I am telling you I felt it,

214. right there in the throne room.

215. I haven't felt that since...

216. Isn't this ship amazing?

217. There's two bathrooms downstairs.

218. Hey, by the way, why are you both whispering

219. - like we can't hear you? - Can you mind your business for once, gnome?

220. As you can see, the creature has already razed

221. three villages and miles of farmland.

222. If this evil persists,

223. the kingdom will starve to death.

224. This mission sounds kind of deadly.

225. - Do we really want to do this? - Yes, this task

226. is dangerous, which is why only the most noble, heroic

227. - and true... - Yeah, yeah, nobility and heroism

228. is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.

229. I see. So it's coin over character.

230. Not surprising.

231. The Shale Steps are beyond that hill. Good luck.

232. Please don't, oh, fuck this up, as they say.

233. Thanks for the sweet ride.

234. You'll be back to pick us up later, right?

235. Yeah, she'll be back.

236. What we doing here again?

237. The last attack was just south of here.

238. We're gonna ask around, see if anyone knows anything.

239. Ask around.

240. Excuse me, green friends.

241. Have you seen any evil wizards or giant monsters

242. passing through here?

243. - Uh... - That's kind of weird.

244. Nah, it was too foggy.

245. All we saw was dark clouds, lightning.

246. We thought it was a storm.

247. Oh, you didn't see anything, huh?

248. How convenient, Mr. Fisherman, if that is your real name.

249. - Whoa... - Okay, maybe let me handle the questioning, Scanlan.

250. I'm sorry about him.

251. You're a priest of sorts, aren't you?

252. Could you bless our house?

253. - Protect it from this evil? - Uh...

254. A-A blessing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

255. Uh, no problem.

256. Okay, here goes.

257. May the Everlight shine upon your home.

258. Everything will be tip-top.

259. Okay. I'm sure you'll survive these trying times,

260. so, good luck?

261. Are you sure you're a holy person?

262. Yeah, I'm-I'm just, uh, out of practice.

263. I don't really bless a lot of houses these days.

264. Thank you, dear.

265. I'm sure it'll be enough to keep our family safe.

266. Wow.

267. - Are you a wizard?

268. Nah. The magic's all in the fingers, kid.

269. Wow.

270. And now it's in yours.

271. Whoa.

272. That's real silver. Keep it safe.

273. There's a monster roaming about.

274. - You mean flying. - What's that?

275. Something flew right over us.

276. It knocked down the big tree on the hill.

277. We heard wings beating but we couldn't see it in the storm.

278. But it was big. Really big.

279. Yeah.

280. Get over here.

281. - Trinket found something.

282. The tracks are too muddy to discern.

283. But it looks like it took to the air

284. and flew along the coast.

285. - Whoa.

286. Think you'll be needing this.

287. Ah.

288. Now they look...

289. human?

290. It's close.

291. Everyone, get ready.

292. Get the fuck out.

293. What, a little lamb was behind all the mayhem?

294. Oh, don't let that thing bite you, Vex.

295. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

296. Fuck!

297. - I suggest we run. Right now! - Fuck that.

298. We fight!

299. Grog, you dumb, brave asshole!

300. Grog's down already? Come on!

301. Keyleth! A little magic might help.

302. - We're in serious trouble here.

303. Keyleth, snap out of it. Keyleth!

304. - Keyleth! - Sorry. Um...

305. Okay. Okay.

306. Did I just make it worse?

307. - Look out!

308. Uh, get me out. Get-get me out!

309. I'm trapped under Grog's ass!

310. So...

311. this is what rock bottom feels like.

312. At least we're still alive,

313. thank the Everlight.

314. And thanks to Keyleth for the giant shrub.

315. But did you have to make it so thorny?

316. That dragon. We almost... died.

317. Except we didn't die. Because of you, Keyleth.

318. You hear me?

319. We're alive because of you.

320. - Grog. You're hurt. - Nah.

321. Just a flesh wound. No big.

322. Is this normal?

323. - Oh, no. - Holy shit. - I'm gonna throw up.

324. Hold still, old friend.

325. I got you.

326. Oh, I feel better already.

327. Thanks, Pike. You're the best.

328. That... took a lot out of me.

329. - I got you. - Oh.

330. Uh, thanks.

331. Oh, uh, you can put me down now.

332. Oh. Yeah.

333. Uh... yeah.

334. All right, fuck Uriel and all of this,

335. we're done here.

336. We didn't sign up for certain death.

337. Must I remind you we gave our word to the council?

338. That should probably mean something.

339. Oh, who gives a soggy anus about the council?

340. The only word I care about is "Scanlan Shorthalt."

341. And yes, I know that's two words,

342. but you know what I'm saying.

343. Yeah. What have those fuckity-fucks ever done for us?

344. Except give us a job and a bunch of gold

345. and treasure and stuff?

346. We've fought a lot of things...

347. but a dragon?

348. An actual dragon?

349. It's not about the council,

350. or the contract... it's about these people.

351. They need us.

352. We can't just run away.

353. This is why I hate traveling with holy people.

354. - They're too goddamned good. - Pike...

355. this creature is beyond us.

356. When Vex and I were young,

357. one of those monsters killed our mother.

358. I've studied dragons my entire life, hoping to find

359. the one that did it.

360. I can...

361. feel when they're close.

362. A horrid pain in my head.

363. Then it's settled.

364. We'll go back to the palace and get out of the contract.

365. You don't understand, Percy.

366. I felt it there, too, at the palace.

367. Y-You're just telling us this now?

368. I'm sorry. I...

369. I wasn't certain until the dragon...

370. It's been years since Mother...

371. Are you sure, Vex'ahlia?

372. I know what I felt. Someone on the council

373. must have been in contact with the dragon, or...

374. I don't know, but I-I'm sure it was real.

375. Then we walk away from all of this.

376. It's not worth it. You heard her.

377. One of them might be working with that monster.

378. Let's just get the hell out of here

379. and never set foot in Emon again.

380. Can we all agree on that?

381. Oh, no.

382. They wiped them out, all of them.

383. Pike! Get over here!

384. Please, Everlight,

385. let your power reach him.

386. Pike. Please.

387. Shit!

388. No. I can't do it.

389. I'm still too weak from before.

390. We could have stopped this.

391. Should have.

392. What the hell are you doing, Scanlan?

393. Thinking of a rhyme for "dead dragon."

394. 'Cause I...

395. I guess we're killing one.

396. I'm in.

397. Uh, I mean I'm not gonna lie, I'm terrified out of my mind.

398. But I'm in.

399. - I don't like losin'...

400. but now I'm feelin' things, on the inside.

401. They don't feel right.

402. So yeah, I'm with ya.

403. That was...

404. actually well stated, Grog.

405. - What was? - Uh, never mind.

406. Count me in as well.

407. You guys...

408. we're doing this.

409. You all realize we're going to die a truly horrible death.

410. Perhaps, sister.

411. But we'll die gloriously,

412. and we'll kill a fucking dragon.

413. Chirp.