The Larry Sanders Show 3x9

1. Applesauce.

2. No, no, no, no, no.

3. I'm, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

5. All right.

6. Now, remember,

7. you're all— you're all a big part of the show.

8. So the better you are, the better Larry is.

9. Look it, now you see this gentleman?

10. Now, he's giving me this, uh, this sign,

11. and it says, "we're on in 10 seconds,

12. "so get ready to have a good time."

13. All right, here we go.

14. This is exciting, isn't it?

15. In... five, four, three, two...

16. Live on tape from Hollywood,

17. "The Larry Sanders Show."

18. Tonight, join Larry and his guests:

19. Hugh Grant, Bridget Fonda,

20. musical guests Luscious Jackson,

21. and me, "Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

22. And now, because it's hotter in here than it is out there,

23. Larry Sanders!

24. Thank you very much.

25. Thank you.

26. Thank you.

27. Thanks, that's very nice of you, really.

28. Really, that's very nice of you and welcome aboard.

29. Celebrity caning victim, uh, Michael Fay...

30. What, what, what are you giggling at?

31. Every time a guy gets smacked in the ass, you laugh?

32. Is that it?

33. Something we all have left over

34. from when we got beaten as a child, I believe.

35. Celebrity caning victim Michael Fay

36. is back in the U.S. from Singapore.

37. And I can assure you that is a long flight,

38. especially when you have to stand the whole way.

39. He said he shook hands with the man who caned him.

40. And, and he made some big deal about that.

41. And frankly, I thought that was just common courtesy

42. to shake hands with someone who's seen your butt.

43. You know.

44. Which reminds me.

45. Nice to see you.

46. Well, another misguided gray whale has turned up

47. in Santa Monica Bay recently.

48. It was chased all the way through the L.A. River

49. and right ultimately into O.J. Simpson's driveway.

50. Well, you have, you have reminded me

51. that the head writer job here at "The Larry Sanders Show"

52. is open.

53. Please send all resumes to my producer Artie,

54. and no sense of humor is required.

55. Okay, Bobby Praskin is a hack.

56. Dave Morgan, hack.

57. Tom Freeley, Tom Freeley wouldn't know a joke

58. if it drove up and tried to park in the crack of his ass.

59. Arthur, I have a three-year-old niece who writes funnier stuff

60. than any of these guys. Is she available?

61. Eh, you don't want her. She naps a lot

62. and walks around with a full diaper.

63. If she had a fondness for malt liquor,

64. your niece could be my father-in-law.

65. If you hire any of these guys to be head writer,

66. the show's gonna go directly into the toilet.

67. I haven't been able to keep that job filled

68. for more than a month since Jerry left.

69. I wouldn't have hired that son of a bitch Frank

70. if I knew he had a deal in the works

71. with "Grace Under Fire."

72. Opportunistic bastard. Fucking writer.

73. We're still talking about Frank, right? Yes.

74. The great Bruce Fielding, he's available.

75. A little late with Larry's melon, huh, Beverly?

76. Oh, well, I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur.

77. I mean, I had it already cut out into little chunks

78. the way he always likes it.

79. Then he came in today, said he wanted it bald.

80. Well, I'd do it except I'm already dating someone.

81. Sorry. Thank you, Phil.

82. I want the job, Arthur.

83. If you're talking about balling Larry's melon, forget it, Phil.

84. I didn't laugh the first time.

85. I want to be head writer.

86. You're working on a gag here, right?

87. No, I want the job and I think I deserve it.

88. You're serious? Yes.

89. Come on, Arthur, I know the show.

90. I know what Larry likes, I know his rhythms.

91. I don't think it'd work out, Phil.

92. Why not? I got him!

93. I got Steve Martin for Thursday, finally.

94. Hey, sweetie, another notch on your booking belt.

95. How did you manage that?

96. Well, I charmed his ass.

97. I told him "Roxanne" was my favorite movie.

98. I inquired about his play.

99. Another words, you promised to blow him.

100. Oh, Phil, you know all my little tricks, don't you?

101. Thanks, Paula.

102. Thanks, Phil.

103. Why wouldn't it work?

104. Well...

105. let's just say that, uh,

106. I don't think you have the temperament for it.

107. Now, what does that mean?

108. Well, it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick.

109. Not that we don't love that about you,

110. but what we're looking for in a head writer

111. is more experience, someone who is more of a people person.

112. I'm a people person.

113. That's true, in the last two minutes alone,

114. you offered to fuck Larry's melon

115. and you accused Paula of promising

116. to orally service a distinguished guest.

117. Let's face it, son, you're a born diplomat.

118. Arthur. Arthur? Yes.

119. Have you seen Hank yet today?

120. No. There's a detective from the police department

121. here to see him.

122. Look at me, I'm shaking.

123. Oh, sugar, calm down. There's no problem.

124. Sure? Yes.

125. Sure? Yes!

126. Unless they found out who killed Bob Eubanks' tree.

127. See? I didn't touch any of that.

128. Give me the job, Arthur.

129. Well, just give me another reason

130. why I should consider you.

131. Okay, because I think that this is a great show,

132. but I know I can make it better.

133. Larry's always wanted to do more sketch work,

134. I agree with him.

135. I'm great at sketch. I can deliver that.

136. A sketch does not a head writer make.

137. Okay, I'd also like to meet with Larry at 4:00 every day

138. to take a last look at the material

139. we're gonna do on that night's show

140. and to discuss future projects— Good.

141. That sounds good, yes.

142. I'll discuss it with Larry, I'll get back to you.

143. Great, uh, listen, I just want you guys to know

144. that whatever you decide, I'll go along with.

145. No shit.

146. Oh, my God. Well, you got me.

147. And I'm, I'm— I want to apologize.

148. I just— it's about the, uh...

149. handicapped parking plates, is that right?

150. Ugh.

151. Okay, I have a friend

152. and he works at the Department of Motor Vehicles—

153. Mr. Kingsley, I'm here about your restaurant.

154. You have a serious problem.

155. I think you better sit down.

156. How's it possible you don't know what's going on

157. in your own restaurant? Don't you ever go there?

158. Well, I don't hang out in the men's room, for god's sakes.

159. And that's where the detective says these punks

160. are selling these drugs.

161. All these photos are gonna look like he's talking.

162. It's a talk show, Larry.

163. Albert, you're always getting Larry with one eye closed.

164. That's 'cause I'm wincing when Hank talks.

165. I mean, I suspected some marijuana use, sure.

166. You know, what we used to call wacky tobaccy.

167. Well, I still call it that, wacky weed.

168. You know, I mean, pot smoking I don't mind.

169. The kids, you know, they get the munchies.

170. Hot wing sales go right through the roof.

171. It's when these kids get on god knows what, you know.

172. They eat like little birds.

173. Okay, Albert, let's mix it up.

174. Fellas, let's try a different pose.

175. In front of the desk. All right.

176. Goddamn it.

177. Couldn't happen at a worse time.

178. I mean, the travel guide people are coming any day.

179. Yeah, well, there go your five stars. Right.

180. Uh, could you sit?

181. No, I want to stand.

182. Closer together?

183. No.

184. Perfect.

185. I mean, what, what if one of these poor kids, you know,

186. gets on, you know, some bad stuff?

187. No one likes to eat at a restaurant

188. where someone has died, as a rule.

189. These are all gonna look like he's talking, I'm telling you.

190. Just get some bouncers.

191. Get those bastards out of there.

192. Get this. What are you doing?

193. Oh, okay, put me down.

194. Get that roll... Get it, get it.

195. Put him down, Hank.

196. Get... Put him down!

197. I've got to ask you something.

198. You know, Phil would like to be head writer.

199. What do you think?

200. Oh, sure, what the hell?

201. Okay, Phil, I talked with Larry.

202. Congratulations, you're the new head writer.

203. Hey, that is great.

204. Larry's okay with all of this?

205. He gave a great deal of thought,

206. he feels it's the right way to go.

207. Unbelievable.

208. Thanks, Mike.

209. Arthur, I had this great sketch idea for Larry

210. to do with Steve Martin, you want to see it?

211. I do, run it by Paula so she can fax it to Steve's people.

212. Sure, anything else I need to know?

213. Uh, network meeting tomorrow at 3:00.

214. You might want to bring your razor out of hiding.

215. Shave, bathe, shampoo, clean shirt.

216. See if you can wear something a touch more conservative.

217. Any suggestions?

218. Just stay away from your usual attire, that's all.

219. Hell, you look like you're a member of Peanuts gang,

220. Linus with goatee.

221. Arthur, thank Larry for me?

222. Oh, sure, what the hell.

223. Okay, we got a sniper in the audience.

224. So, uh, how much of a raise you making?

225. You know, this decision was based purely on seniority, right?

226. Come on, guys.

227. What if the sniper turned out to be—

228. 500?

229. I've been here almost as long as you have.

230. Thousand?

231. Paula, send this sketch over to Steve Martin.

232. If he has any questions, he can call me.

233. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little big man.

234. Steve Martin's not doing a sketch, he's just paneling.

235. Well, that may have been the case,

236. but I'd like you to send it to him.

237. Uh, after I read it I'll get it to him.

238. No, I'd like you to send it to him

239. and then when you want to read it, you can.

240. Just fax it to him.

241. He's not gonna do this.

242. Just fax it to him, okay?

243. Has Larry even approved this?

244. He hates doing sketches with guests.

245. Yes, Paula, it's been approved.

246. By whom. By me, the head writer.

247. Is that true? Yes.

248. Oh, goodie!

249. That means you'll be gone in a month.

250. So I put the 100-proof Stoli in his drink.

251. He never knew the difference till he hit the floor.

252. Dennis, this is Phil, our new head writer.

253. Hi, Phil. Dennis Tomlin.

254. Hi, how's it going? Hi, how are you?

255. Enough fooling around. What's the word?

256. Ugh, numbers are good.

257. We really loved the fact you had Sinbad on the other night,

258. especially since we're probably gonna do a project for him.

259. Super.

260. Other than that, great, great, great.

261. Great. You?

262. Well, we'd like to see a few more promos on primetime

263. and we'd like to have a few more bucks

264. to get that 500-channel dimmer board.

265. It'll update our lighting package.

266. Mm-hmm.

267. Another thrilling meeting.

268. Well, back to the grind.

269. See you next week.

270. And, uh, I'm buying the drinks, don't forget.

271. Do I ever?

272. Hey, guys? Excuse me.

273. Meeting's over, Phil.

274. Think we covered everything we had to.

275. No, I have some things I'd like to discuss.

276. Oh?

277. Sure. Great.

278. Good enough.

279. Great.

280. Go ahead.

281. Okay, um...

282. Dennis, we're gonna be working on bringing sketch work

283. back to the show.

284. Really? Yeah.

285. I don't like sketches.

286. Exactly.

287. Research shows that, uh,

288. people don't like Larry when he tries to act.

289. Something like 38% of the audience,

290. they feel embarrassed for him. Hmm.

291. No, I think we ought to focus on the monologues,

292. leave the skits to "Saturday Night Live."

293. No, I think we're gonna be working on the sketches.

294. What is this? Youth!

295. Well...

296. thanks for your time, Dennis.

297. Shall I see you at the 19th hole?

298. I have more.

299. Save it, Phil. There's always next week.

300. I, uh, I don't know about this.

301. I'll buy the drinks next week.

302. See ya, buddy.

303. Are you insane?

304. What?

305. What do you think you're doing in here?

306. I-I came prepared.

307. You said that these meetings are very important.

308. Yes, they are, all the more reason to shut the fuck up.

309. How'd it go?

310. Great. Very productive.

311. Are they gonna budget us some more money

312. for the remote stuff?

313. Uh, actually, I tried to broach that subject, but, uh...

314. Well, what did they say about getting us a writer's assistant?

315. Oh, I got to ask about that next time.

316. It sounds like you didn't ask for anything.

317. No, uh, listen, I asked for a lot of stuff.

318. Like what?

319. Hey, you guys, uh, I'm a little busy, okay?

320. They responded to a lot of the ideas that I brought up.

321. It's just that some of them are not feasible at this juncture.

322. Not feasible at this juncture?

323. Phil, did that sentence come with the suit,

324. or did you have to buy it separately?

325. Ha.

326. I want 30 monologue jokes in one hour.

327. Ooh! Ooh!

328. Any word from Steve?

329. Yeah, he got the fax and he's got some problems.

330. He thinks you're making fun of mute people.

331. It is a takeoff on "The Piano."

332. It does not work without a mute.

333. No, duh.

334. He also doesn't want to wear a loincloth on camera.

335. Oh, give me a break. This guy makes a career

336. out of putting an arrow through his head,

337. and he won't wear a loincloth?

338. Ooh, that's the breaks, junior.

339. Well, thanks for your help, bitch.

340. Oh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

341. Hi.

342. I have a meeting with Larry at 4:00.

343. Hey, boss.

344. All right, what do you got for us tonight?

345. Where's Larry?

346. Larry drives through the canyons every day at 4:00

347. to unwind before the show.

348. Then why did he agree to these meetings?

349. When he agreed to meet with you, this is what he meant.

350. So let's not waste Larry's time.

351. Sit down. What do you got?

352. I really think Larry should be here.

353. I'll make a note of that

354. and I'll put it in the official minutes.

355. When does he get back?

356. If there's something you must absolutely discuss with him,

357. why don't you call him on his fucking car phone, Phil?

358. Car phones don't work in the canyons.

359. Bingo. Got it?

360. Let's see the Steve Martin sketch.

361. It needs a little work.

362. Ha-hee!

363. Ay, you're a very funny guy.

364. You like it? My laughter is genuine.

365. Where did you get the idea for this?

366. It's a takeoff on the movie "The Piano."

367. Have you talked to wardrobe?

368. 'Cause I don't think they'll be able to dig up

369. the costumes you want in time.

370. I need the costumes.

371. The costumes identify the piece.

372. They're our first big laugh.

373. Do you need an actual piano

374. or can you use one of those Casio keyboards?

375. I need an ornate grand piano.

376. Good, you aim for the grand.

377. When you get the Casio, be thrilled.

378. Oh, uh, by the way,

379. you know, Mike's contract is up in two weeks

380. and we're letting him go.

381. I'm telling him right after tonight's show.

382. Arthur, Mike has done some very good work for us.

383. I've been thinking about this for a long time.

384. Arthur, do you remember the Bosnian sheepdog joke?

385. Mike wrote that. It got a huge applause break.

386. I'm sure he'll always cherish that moment.

387. Keep up the good work, kiddo.

388. Come on.

389. Here's a '62 Lark four-door.

390. Yeah.

391. So what are you doing this weekend?

392. Guys, I need three more solid monologue jokes for tonight.

393. Why are we busting our asses?

394. You know, let's just go through the pilot jokes

395. that he didn't use from last week.

396. Those were funny jokes.

397. Tell that to Larry.

398. Yeah, you know, he's right.

399. Larry threw out a lot of really good stuff last week.

400. I had that Janet Reno runner.

401. Greg had the thing about the U.N. peacekeepers.

402. Guys, I'm trying to finish this, okay?

403. No, that's what you should do.

404. Just tell Larry he has to use

405. some of the jokes from last week,

406. 'cause that was funny stuff, Phil.

407. Mike, do you like your job?

408. What?

409. Fuck it.

410. I'm gonna do the jokes.

411. You two can go sit in a corner and jerk off.

412. Fine.

413. Okay.

414. But I can jerk off anywhere.

415. Here is the sketch with the changes.

416. I've left the loincloth in.

417. If he has any questions, have him give me a call.

418. He did call. He's not doing the sketch.

419. What? He hasn't even read it yet.

420. As I predicted, Phil, he wasn't gonna like it.

421. But instead of saying that,

422. he backed out of the show entirely.

423. So guess what? We don't have Steve Martin.

424. Thanks a lot, guy in charge.

425. Hey, listen, I wrote a great fucking sketch

426. because you told me we had a piece of talent booked on the show.

427. Now I come to find out

428. that you don't know what you're talking about?

429. Do your job, Paula!

430. Do my job? You do it, asswipe.

431. You get on the phone and find a last-minute replacement

432. for Steve Martin, someone willing to do hack sketch

433. about "The Piano," which, by the way, is six months too late.

434. Nice topical meter, dipshit.

435. Go fuck yourself.

436. Hello.

437. Nice to see you.

438. I'm Dr. Wagner and I want you both to know

439. that I've been a marriage counselor for 10 years.

440. And just by the fact that you're here now

441. proves to me that you'd like to save your relationship.

442. So, now, you have been married for...

443. how long?

444. Don't look at her. She's a mute.

445. We've been married for two years.

446. I see.

447. All right.

448. And what seems to be the problem?

449. Did you see "The Piano"?

450. Yes, I did and I thought

451. that you got along very well in that,

452. if I may say.

453. Well, we did.

454. But then she plays the same song

455. over and over.

456. At this point, "Chopsticks" would be a thrill.

457. Cut it out!

458. Well...

459. All right, the notes stopped being cute

460. about two years ago, too, honey.

461. I see.

462. Now, am I... thinking of something else?

463. But it seems to me, in "The Piano,"

464. she started to learn to speak at the end.

465. Oh, typical Hollywood ending.

466. In reality, she's still a mute.

467. Oh, boy.

468. Oh, boy.

469. Why don't you go screw yourself?

470. Now...

471. Oh! Oh, my God!

472. You're an amazing therapist.

473. This is the first time she's spoken.

474. That is terrific. That is terrific.

475. Yeah, do me a favor, you know.

476. Jump in the lake, will you please?

477. You know, you use me. You take me for granted.

478. And, and, and what's with the marks on the face?

479. I mean, let's talk—

480. They're genuine Maori tattoos,

481. that's what they are.

482. Uh, Maori this, will you please?

483. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of your friends.

484. You bring 'em around.

485. You're dressed like Vincent van Gogh.

486. What's going on with you?

487. You see? This is good.

488. I've had it with you. Can you make her stop now?

489. You don't take me anywhere. What am I, chopped liver?

490. I'm sick of you. Please, make her stop!

491. I can make her stop.

492. That'll cost you an extra $1,500.

493. Can you see me at 5:00 next Tuesday?

494. I can work you in between the Rain Man

495. and the guy from "My Left Foot."

496. I'll be there! Okay.

497. Thank you for coming in.

498. Thank you.

499. Clear.

500. Wow. Whoa.

501. I thought it went— I thought it went, uh...

502. I don't really do Harvey... I thought it went— huh?

503. I don't really do Harvey Keitel.

504. I thought it went all right.

505. This thing is so up my ass.

506. Did you guys see "The Piano"?

507. I didn't see it. I didn't know what I was doing.

508. I didn't see "The Piano" either.

509. But I thought the audience thought it was funny anyway.

510. I thought, you know... They did?

511. Yeah, I thought I looked like a fucking idiot

512. in these glasses.

513. You were great. Oh, God.

514. All right, I think the audience is good tonight, by the way.

515. I blew that line.

516. I don't know. I don't know.

517. You want creative control of all the comedy pieces?

518. That's unheard of.

519. That's what I must absolutely insist on.

520. You want your prop budget doubled. At least.

521. You want Paula fired?

522. Yes, and I want to watch while you do it.

523. If I'm to provide the level of service

524. that's expected of me here,

525. I need a working environment that's supportive.

526. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yes, yes.

527. I hear what you're saying.

528. You don't want to be head writer anymore. Exactly.

529. These have been the worst four days of my life.

530. I have no more friends here.

531. I'm the only one who does any of the work.

532. And at the end of the day, all I can think about is how

533. I have to come back here and do it all over again tomorrow.

534. It's a nightmare. Ha ha ha ha.

535. A lot more fun being the snotty little dork,

536. wasn't it?

537. Congratulations, son, you're the head writer.

538. But I don't want the job.

539. That's too damn bad.

540. You're talented, you care about your work,

541. you fight for what you want.

542. That's the qualities that make you a good head writer

543. and give you ulcers and colitis

544. for the rest of your professional life.

545. But you got to let me out of this.

546. Well, it's gonna be okay.

547. You're making 6,500 bucks a week, sweetie.

548. Doesn't that soften the blows a bit, huh?

549. 6,500? No, no, no. I'm only making 37.5.

550. Oh, damn it, there's been a horrible mistake.

551. Jesus, I'll have to fix that right away.

552. Arthur, this has nothing to do with the money.

553. I just want you to find someone to replace me.

554. How can I? You yourself have told me

555. there are very few talented people out there.

556. Oh, sure there are. Bobby Praskin.

557. Hack. Tom Freeley.

558. Hack. Bruce Fielding.

559. Who?

560. Larry, my friends in the audience

561. just loved the sketch.

562. Didn't you hear 'em scream?

563. I'm sorry, I didn't know those were your friends.

564. I wouldn't have asked to have them removed.

565. Ha ha. Come on, let's watch the tape.

566. Oh, no, I can't.

567. You know I get embarrassed when I see myself act.

568. Horseshit. You too?

569. Listen, about that thing with Phil, just so you know—

570. Yeah, listen, what I want to do about Phil is

571. I want to keep him at 37.5 on a trial basis, okay?

572. Yeah, check. You know, until we see if he gets along with Paula

573. and can keep his mouth shut at those network meetings.

574. Check. Would you do me a favor

575. and tell Craig to stop, uh, presenting jokes to me

576. that I rejected the week before?

577. Check. Okay, and send Mike a note

578. telling him that he didn't get fired

579. because of that Bosnia sheepdog joke.

580. Check. Good.

581. Listen, I'm also having a problem

582. with Kelly the prop girl, I'd like to replace her.

583. Oh, sure. What the hell?