1. I'm going to produceCopy !req
2. the People's Choice Awards
this year.Copy !req
3. Really?Copy !req
4. Yes, it'll be
on our next hiatus week.Copy !req
5. Are you okay with that?Copy !req
6. Fine.Copy !req
7. Congratulations.Copy !req
8. Well, you know,
it's quick work.Copy !req
9. The money's good.Copy !req
10. It's a chance for me
to get backCopy !req
11. in the awards show
game again.Copy !req
12. Yeah.Copy !req
13. But if there's
any problem,Copy !req
14. you just call
and I'll join youCopy !req
15. on your hiatus in Maui.Copy !req
16. No... Oahu.Copy !req
17. What happened?Copy !req
18. Oahu.
That's where I'm going.Copy !req
19. Of course.Copy !req
20. Yeah.
You'll have lots of fun.Copy !req
21. Yes, I will.
What do you do there?Copy !req
22. Huh? I'll tell you
what I do there.Copy !req
23. I— I pay a cabana boyCopy !req
24. to wheel me down
to the beach ever dayCopy !req
25. on stretcher
like a coma patient.Copy !req
26. Ha-ha! Is that included
in the package?Copy !req
27. Who's, uh... hosting?Copy !req
28. Paul Reiser.Copy !req
29. Excellent choice.Copy !req
30. Well, did, did,
did my name even come upCopy !req
31. for the People's Choice
thing?Copy !req
32. It just seems like that's
the kind of thing they'd—Copy !req
33. they'd ask me to do,
that's all.Copy !req
34. Mmm... tastes
like chicken.Copy !req
35. Okay, Hank, we go it.Copy !req
36. I think we do,
but, uh,Copy !req
37. I just wanna do
one more.Copy !req
38. Just for fun.Copy !req
39. Oh, come on,
let's wrap this up.Copy !req
40. There is a finite amount
of videotape in the world.Copy !req
41. Right, I'm gonna throw in
that, uh, that lineCopy !req
42. I told you about.
Right.Copy !req
43. Okay, this is
the last take.Copy !req
44. No, I don't want to do it.Copy !req
45. It just seems that they would
want me to do it.Copy !req
46. Mmm... tastes a little
like coconut.Copy !req
47. Nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope.Copy !req
48. What is that?
The coconut line's
completely wrong.Copy !req
49. It's supposed to be
"chicken."Copy !req
50. Where did that
come from?Copy !req
51. Uh, Hank came up with that.
He's very proud of it.Copy !req
52. Well, it, it,
it is not right.
It is not right.Copy !req
53. Some shave creams
are coconut-scented,Copy !req
54. so it's not funny.Copy !req
55. And we have 22 takes
with him saying "chicken,"Copy !req
56. one of which we'll use.Copy !req
57. I just wanted to let him
do it that wayCopy !req
58. so his feelings
wouldn't be hurt.Copy !req
59. Well, is he all right?Copy !req
60. Oy... I'll go talk to him.Copy !req
61. You go ta— we'll—
the coconut thing is out.Copy !req
62. Of course.Copy !req
63. You go talk to him.Copy !req
64. Okay, yes.Copy !req
65. I'll go— should I
go talk to him, Artie?Copy !req
66. I wouldn't talk to him, no.Copy !req
67. Well, then,
you go talk to him.Copy !req
68. Will you go talk to him?Copy !req
69. Yeah.
Good.Copy !req
70. Is Sally Kirkland available?Copy !req
71. How could she
not be available?Copy !req
72. She's in town.Copy !req
73. I don't think
Sally Kirkland'sCopy !req
74. right for our show, Artie.Copy !req
75. Oh, this is
for People's Choice.Copy !req
76. Oh, I don't think she's
right for that either.Copy !req
77. Well, how would you know?Copy !req
78. She's a darling girl.
I gave her her first orgasm.Copy !req
79. Oh, well, then she's perfect.Copy !req
80. Send her roses, long-stemmed,
and a limo.Copy !req
81. She'll do it.Copy !req
82. Hey, I got Elvis Costello
for tomorrow night.Copy !req
83. Oh, great,
Elvis... Costello.Copy !req
84. I'm a big fan.
That is great.Copy !req
85. Yeah.
Maybe he'll do "Pump It Up."Copy !req
86. That's my favorite song.Copy !req
87. You know, I think he'd rather do
something off the new album.Copy !req
88. Oh, well, just ask him.Copy !req
89. I will, but, you know,
I'd rather not.Copy !req
90. He's kinda temperamental.Copy !req
91. Well, maybe I should ask him.Copy !req
92. You could,
but I'd rather you didn't.Copy !req
93. 'Cause remember what happenedCopy !req
94. last time you talked
to Michael Bolton?Copy !req
95. Oh, come on, so I thoughtCopy !req
96. I'd heard that song
somewhere before.Copy !req
97. I had to bring it up.Copy !req
98. Hey.
What's this?Copy !req
99. I heard we got Elvis.
I want to get this
autographed.Copy !req
100. No, no.
No, he's too temperamental.Copy !req
101. What— is that the tape?Copy !req
102. Yeah, I put it together.
Good.Copy !req
103. Speaking of temperamental,
how's Hank doing? Is he—Copy !req
104. I have no idea.Copy !req
105. Should I go?
Hmm?Copy !req
106. You're welcome
to stay.Copy !req
107. Next time that this happens
with the coconut—Copy !req
108. a thing
like that coconut line—Copy !req
109. would you warn me
that that's...Copy !req
110. I tried.
his line?Copy !req
111. I feel horrible about this.Copy !req
112. I know.Copy !req
113. Mmm... tastes
a little like chicken.Copy !req
114. Right?
Right, right.Copy !req
115. And just so we say we saw it,
here's, uh, Hank's version.Copy !req
116. Mmm... tastes
a little like coconut.Copy !req
117. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
118. No.Copy !req
119. You know, you,
you let him go like that.Copy !req
120. I know.Copy !req
121. Shh... keep it down,Copy !req
122. because he could be
lurking out there.Copy !req
123. He does that?Copy !req
124. 21st Annual
People's Choice AwardsCopy !req
125. will return
right after this.Copy !req
126. Hank, we've already got
the announcer for the show.Copy !req
127. Oh, no... who?Copy !req
128. It's the same announcer
who always does it.Copy !req
129. Al "Harelip" Hartman?Copy !req
130. No. No.Copy !req
131. This guy, he has no verve,
no personality.Copy !req
132. He's a— he's a robot.
Exactly.Copy !req
133. And he drinks.Copy !req
134. So do I,
that's why I like him.Copy !req
135. Come on.Copy !req
136. Excuse me.Copy !req
137. You didn't, uh, talk to himCopy !req
138. about the commercial parody,
did you?Copy !req
139. No, but I'll tell you why.Copy !req
140. He has a hair up his assCopy !req
141. because I won't hire him
as the announcerCopy !req
142. for the People's Choice.Copy !req
143. He's got that coconut line
up his ass.Copy !req
144. How many things can he have
up his ass at once?Copy !req
145. No— we have a great show.Copy !req
146. We'll be right back.Copy !req
147. We have Kelsey Grammer.Copy !req
148. We have, uh—
we have John GoodmanCopy !req
149. and, of course, we have
a visit from Uncle Helen.Copy !req
150. No flipping.
We'll be right back.Copy !req
151. We're clear.Copy !req
152. Oh, Lord, you folks came
on a very rare nightCopy !req
153. where you get to see me fuck up
three jokes in a row.Copy !req
154. Don't take it for granted.Copy !req
155. You're such a good crowd,
give yourselves a hand.Copy !req
156. You're still a great crowd.Copy !req
157. Thanks for coming,
thanks for coming.Copy !req
158. I won't fuck up
the rest of the night.Copy !req
159. What a shit crowd.Copy !req
160. What a shit, shit crowd.Copy !req
161. What are they doing?
Bringing these busloads inCopy !req
162. from the English
as a Second Language
program again?Copy !req
163. I'm only smiling because
the audience is looking at meCopy !req
164. and I'm a professional.Copy !req
165. Nice talkin' to ya.Copy !req
166. It's a great crowd
tonight, huh?Copy !req
167. Yeah, no,
it's a shit crowd.Copy !req
168. Could you get, uh,
Phil for me?
Okay.Copy !req
169. Shit crowd.Copy !req
170. Uh... Artie, you gotta
talk to Hank for me, okay?Copy !req
171. He's still got his—Copy !req
172. What is— what is it?
What is that?Copy !req
173. Paul Reiser
just dropped out as hostCopy !req
174. for the People's Choice
Awards.
Thank God.Copy !req
175. I thought it was something
that might have to do
with this show,Copy !req
176. the show
we're taping right now.Copy !req
177. I'm sorry, sir, that should
never have happened.Copy !req
178. That's okay.
Hey.Copy !req
179. Hey, I put in the shorter
chicken deodorant take.Copy !req
180. Oh, well, listen,
I changed my mind...Copy !req
181. and I wanna put in Hank's
coconut line in that, all right?Copy !req
182. But this airs in 20 minutes.Copy !req
183. Well, we—
Ah... the thrillCopy !req
184. of live-to-tape
television.Copy !req
185. Andale, Felipe!
Vámonos, vámonos!Copy !req
186. You can handle it.Copy !req
187. Who were you thinking
of, uh, replacing Reiser with?Copy !req
188. Uh, Larry, the network
has asked meCopy !req
189. to pull in a favor,
you know,Copy !req
190. and so I— I don't want
to do this,Copy !req
191. but, uh, Larry, will you—
will you be the hostCopy !req
192. on the People's Choice
Awards?Copy !req
193. No. Artie, no.
As a favor to me?Copy !req
194. It's just
those endless rehearsals,Copy !req
195. and I hate doing that stuff.Copy !req
196. It's a no-win situation.Copy !req
197. The audience is there
not to see you.Copy !req
198. They're all nervous
about who's gonna win.Copy !req
199. Yeah.Copy !req
200. And there's
those big dance numbersCopy !req
201. that I don't want to do.Copy !req
202. Okay, I just had to ask,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
203. Well, I appreciate it.Copy !req
204. All right, hold on, you...Copy !req
205. Call me back.Copy !req
206. Can you promise me
I wouldn't have to doCopy !req
207. one of those dance numbers?Copy !req
208. You'll only have to strip
at the end of the show.Copy !req
209. How about it?Copy !req
210. That's the favor to you,
isn't it?Copy !req
211. Hey, buddy,
God bless ya.Copy !req
212. Okay, sure, all right.Copy !req
213. All right, listen—
we got 20 seconds.Copy !req
214. You want to go over
the list of the presenters?Copy !req
215. No, let's get
back to this show.Copy !req
216. Okay.Copy !req
217. Mmm... tastes a little
like coconut.Copy !req
218. Larry on tape:
Larry Sander's toiletries
for the hungry man.Copy !req
219. Thank you.Copy !req
220. This is my new
milk chocolate deodorant.Copy !req
221. The quick-drying roll-on
with the creamy...Copy !req
222. I'm losing you.Copy !req
223. I— I'm losing you.Copy !req
224. I've lost you.Copy !req
225. Girlfriend?Copy !req
226. Car phone.Copy !req
227. Did you tell Artie you'd do
the People's Choice Awards?Copy !req
228. Boy, news gets around fast,
doesn't it?Copy !req
229. You know, Larry,
this is a partnership.Copy !req
230. You don't say yes,
we say yes.Copy !req
231. Oh, come on, Stevie.Copy !req
232. You know what,
I thought it might be funCopy !req
233. to host one of these things
and, besides,Copy !req
234. I'm doing Artie
a little favor, that's all.
You mean co-host.Copy !req
235. Huh?
Co-host.Copy !req
236. You're co-hostingCopy !req
237. with Rita Moreno
and Dean Cain.Copy !req
238. No. Artie did not
mention that to me.Copy !req
239. Who's Dean Cain?
Superman.Copy !req
240. You're co-hosting
with fucking Superman.Copy !req
241. You're kidding.Copy !req
242. Arthur's fucking you,
Larry.Copy !req
243. You know?
You're co-hosting.Copy !req
244. I'm this close to getting you
the Oscars next year.Copy !req
245. You already have
a show of your ownCopy !req
246. and you choose to co-host?Copy !req
247. Look, I thought I was
doing Artie a little favor.Copy !req
248. Well, you shouldn't think,
you know?Copy !req
249. Because you pay me to think.Copy !req
250. This is a terrible
business decision.Copy !req
251. Co-hosting detractsCopy !req
252. from your
essential specialnessCopy !req
253. in the marketplace.
All right.Copy !req
254. I mean, who are you,
Kathie Lee all of a sudden?Copy !req
255. You understand?Copy !req
256. Yes, I got it, Stevie.Copy !req
257. Okay, then repeat after me.Copy !req
258. Co-hosting detracts from—
come on, come on— co-host—Copy !req
259. Look at me.
Come on.Copy !req
260. Co-hosting detracts from...
Co-hosting detractsCopy !req
261. from my
essential specialness—Copy !req
262. specialness...
—in the marketplace.Copy !req
263. Okay.
Is that all?Copy !req
264. Is that all it detracts from?Copy !req
265. Is that all I have to repeat?Copy !req
266. Colleen?
Darlene on intercom:
Yeah?Copy !req
267. What's, uh,
Superman's name?
Clark Kent.Copy !req
268. No, no, no.
The actor.Copy !req
269. Christopher Reeve.Copy !req
270. The, uh— the new one.Copy !req
271. Dean Cain?Copy !req
272. Right, right.Copy !req
273. Now, where does he work?Copy !req
274. At the "Daily Planet"
newspaper in Metropolis.Copy !req
275. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
276. I know, I know,
I'm just teasing.Copy !req
277. They're
on the Warner Brothers lot.Copy !req
278. Fine. Could you get him
for me, please?Copy !req
279. Sure.Copy !req
280. Dean Cain?Copy !req
281. Hank Kingsley.Copy !req
282. Listen, I just wanted
to call you,Copy !req
283. congratulate you
on the People's Choice gig.Copy !req
284. It's a— another, uh...
pleat in your cape.Copy !req
285. And— here it is, uh,
bottom line,Copy !req
286. Al "Harelip" Hartman,
you don't want this guy.Copy !req
287. You can't understand...
this guy.Copy !req
288. You don't
want to be introducedCopy !req
289. as "Thuperman," do you?Copy !req
290. Whereas I, your biggest fan,Copy !req
291. will be able to announce you
as "Superman."Copy !req
292. Or... Dean Cain, sure.Copy !req
293. Whatever you pre...Copy !req
294. Hello?Copy !req
295. Why didn't you tell me
that I was co-hosting?Copy !req
296. You're not.
You're the host.Copy !req
297. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
298. Then what are— what are,
what are Rita and Superman?Copy !req
299. Just backups
in case I get a paper cutCopy !req
300. opening one
of those envelopes?Copy !req
301. That's very funny.Copy !req
302. Yeah.
Larry, you're the host.Copy !req
303. Yeah?Copy !req
304. Rita and the Man of Steel
are the co-hosts.Copy !req
305. Uh-huh.
That makes no sense.Copy !req
306. Of course it doesn't,
sweetheart.Copy !req
307. It's the network.Copy !req
308. But don't worry about it.Copy !req
309. I'm going to make sure
that your headCopy !req
310. is at least
50% larger than theirsCopy !req
311. on the cover of TV Guide.Copy !req
312. That is not the point.Copy !req
313. That is not the point.
No?Copy !req
314. You wanted
to see me?Copy !req
315. Huh? About what?Copy !req
316. I don't know.Copy !req
317. Oh— oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Will you take out
Hank's coconut lineCopy !req
318. from the pre-tape
before it airs tonight?Copy !req
319. What? The show's gonna go
on satellite in 15 minutes.Copy !req
320. We don't have time
to re-cut it.Copy !req
321. If you can write a monologue
for this man in 15 minutes,Copy !req
322. you can make this change.Copy !req
323. Right. What?
Nothing.Copy !req
324. Well, just take out
the audio then, okay?Copy !req
325. 'Cause I don't want to hear
the word "coconut."Copy !req
326. I wanna hear
the word "chicken."Copy !req
327. 'Cause it's funny, right?Copy !req
328. You alw—
trust your instincts, kiddo.Copy !req
329. Always trust Larry's instincts.
Always.Copy !req
330. One person is a host.Copy !req
331. Two or more are co-hosts.Copy !req
332. My agent is tearing himself
a new asshole.Copy !req
333. The network
wants the co-host.Copy !req
334. They think this is
a good mix, Larry.Copy !req
335. Superman to bring in
the young'uns.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
336. Rita to bring in the urbanites
and the hairdressersCopy !req
337. and you to bring in the rest.Copy !req
338. Just plain folks
who like to laugh.Copy !req
339. When you say
"hairdressers..."Copy !req
340. I mean actual hairdressers.Copy !req
341. Our research department
is giving usCopy !req
342. incredibly specific stuff
these days.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
343. I'm sorry
about the confusion, Larry,Copy !req
344. but you know the network.Copy !req
345. Yeah. Yeah, they areCopy !req
346. a bunch of dickheads,
aren't they?Copy !req
347. Right.
Oh.Copy !req
348. Melanie!
Melanie, hi.Copy !req
349. You know, Artie and I
were just saying, uh,Copy !req
350. what a nice bunch
of network headsCopy !req
351. we have working here.Copy !req
352. Ta-ta!Copy !req
353. Oh, I Liked
the show tonight, Larry.Copy !req
354. Oh, did you see
the commercial parody?Copy !req
355. I loved that.Copy !req
356. But Hank saying "coconut,"
that was a little confusing.Copy !req
357. Yeah.
I mean, aren't there
shaving creamsCopy !req
358. that are coconut-scented?Copy !req
359. Right, I couldn't agree
with you more on this one,Copy !req
360. which frightens me,
quite frankly.Copy !req
361. He was supposed to say
"chicken."Copy !req
362. Chicken?
Yeah.Copy !req
363. Well, that doesn't seem
that funny either.Copy !req
364. No, "chicken" is funnyCopy !req
365. in... the context of a smell
that goes on your face.Copy !req
366. Tr-trust me.Copy !req
367. Um, by the way,
I'm glad to seeCopy !req
368. you're coming aboard
the People's Choice
special.Copy !req
369. Yeah.
Yeah, me too.Copy !req
370. I... figure in lieu
of being nominated...Copy !req
371. Well, I'll tell you
this much.Copy !req
372. If I were producing it,
I'd have one host: you.Copy !req
373. That's nice of you to say.
I think it'd be
much cleaner that way.Copy !req
374. Well, I understand the ideaCopy !req
375. that you have to have Superman
there to get the kidsCopy !req
376. and Rita Moreno to...
balance it out and so forth.Copy !req
377. Well, that's
what Arthur thinks,Copy !req
378. and we disagree with him.Copy !req
379. But, as producer,
he has final say.Copy !req
380. Artie had final say?Copy !req
381. Yeah.Copy !req
382. Have a good one.Copy !req
383. You too.Copy !req
384. So what?
You happened to sayCopy !req
385. that it was the network's
idea, as I recall.Copy !req
386. I do that all the time.Copy !req
387. Don't make a big deal
out of it.Copy !req
388. Oh, so what you're saying is,
is you knew all alongCopy !req
389. that it was the, uh,
co-hosting thing, right?Copy !req
390. You wanted to do this job,
didn't you?Copy !req
391. Oh, no, I never said that.Copy !req
392. Well, your agent did.
No.Copy !req
393. He called me up,
he asked for it.Copy !req
394. Well, you said
it was a favor.Copy !req
395. Darling—
I never told him to call you.Copy !req
396. An hour—
Never told him
to call you.Copy !req
397. Sweetheart, not an hour after I
told you that I was doing this,Copy !req
398. Stevie called me up
and he was crying to me,Copy !req
399. "Why haven't you
given Larry this job?Copy !req
400. Why didn't you ask him
to host?"Copy !req
401. Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!Copy !req
402. I didn't tell him
to call youCopy !req
403. and that doesn't mean
I wanted to do it, okay?Copy !req
404. I'm surprised you had the time
to take the call anyway.Copy !req
405. I've got plenty of time
to cover it all.Copy !req
406. Oh, yeah, you could produce
four more shows simultaneously.Copy !req
407. Fuckin' A.Copy !req
408. You should call
the Conan O'Brien people,Copy !req
409. see if they need a producer
for the farewell special.Copy !req
410. Good idea,
so give me a call,Copy !req
411. and I'll let you
host that one, too.Copy !req
412. Oh, good, good, good.Copy !req
413. No wonder you been married
so many times.Copy !req
414. What are you on now?Copy !req
415. You know what?
I'm not doingCopy !req
416. your little People's Choice
Awards show, okay?Copy !req
417. I'm out!Copy !req
418. Mmm... tastes a little
like— chicken.Copy !req
419. That, that is right.Copy !req
420. Larry Sanders toiletries
for the hungry man.Copy !req
421. Did you or did you not
have anything to doCopy !req
422. with that hatchet job
on that commercial parody?Copy !req
423. And I want— come on—
the truth, Phil.Copy !req
424. I— I did not
initiate the change,Copy !req
425. but I was implicated
in the course of eventsCopy !req
426. that led to the alter—Copy !req
427. Please, please, please.Copy !req
428. Save your Ivy League doubletalkCopy !req
429. for your chums down at the
Parliamentary Debating Society.Copy !req
430. Larry told me to do it.Copy !req
431. And you just automatically doCopy !req
432. whatever the hell
Larry tells you to do?Copy !req
433. Yes, don't you?Copy !req
434. Yes!Copy !req
435. Now, get the hell
out of my office.Copy !req
436. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
437. What's in the bag?Copy !req
438. What?Copy !req
439. What's in the bag?Copy !req
440. Nothing.Copy !req
441. Okay.Copy !req
442. It's Elvis Costello.
"Spike."Copy !req
443. When do you think
we can get him to sign it?Copy !req
444. We can't. What—Copy !req
445. what have I been saying
about bugging him?Copy !req
446. I know, I heard you,Copy !req
447. but that's
for everybody else, right?Copy !req
448. What do you think?
Before or after the show?Copy !req
449. Why is everybody actingCopy !req
450. like a bunch of four-year-olds
at a fucking Barney show?Copy !req
451. Gee— what crawled
up your butt and died?Copy !req
452. Gee.Copy !req
453. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
454. Uh... uh, can somebody,
uh, uh, can...Copy !req
455. Uh, hello?Copy !req
456. Elvis, hi!
I'm Paula.Copy !req
457. How are ya?
Is everything okay?Copy !req
458. Can we do anything for ya?Copy !req
459. Uh, everything's fine,
I think.Copy !req
460. You know, Larry is so excited
to have you on the show.Copy !req
461. He's a big fan.Copy !req
462. Oh, speak of the devil,
here he is.Copy !req
463. Larry, this is Elvis.
Yeah, Elvis, I heard you
coming down the hall.Copy !req
464. Hi.
Hi.
Gee, I'm a big fan.Copy !req
465. Listen, you know
the song "Alison"?Copy !req
466. I was just wondering about
this— is that— is that—Copy !req
467. Excuse me.Copy !req
468. Let's talk about that
on the air.Copy !req
469. Artie, you know
Elvis Costello.Copy !req
470. Oh, yes, dear boy.Copy !req
471. What an honor
to have you aboard.Copy !req
472. You know,
I've always wanted to ask youCopy !req
473. about your song "Alison."Copy !req
474. Is that about a specific person,
or a pet?Copy !req
475. Uh, uh...
Artie?Copy !req
476. I need to talk to you.Copy !req
477. Hank,
this is Elvis.Copy !req
478. I don't think so.Copy !req
479. We are back.Copy !req
480. I'm very excited
about, uh, my next guest.Copy !req
481. This is his latest album,
"Brutal Youth."Copy !req
482. I'm a huge fan.Copy !req
483. Please give a warm welcomeCopy !req
484. to Elvis Costello
and The Attractions.Copy !req
485. You know,
I've been trying to landCopy !req
486. that, uh, People's Choice
announcing gig?Copy !req
487. I didn't want to come
to you with it,Copy !req
488. because, you know, God knows
you have so much on your mind.Copy !req
489. You know, you know,
you wear all these hats.Copy !req
490. Including, uh, the editing,Copy !req
491. which you seem to be more and
more involved with every day.Copy !req
492. That's because I care.Copy !req
493. I've spoken
to, uh, Rita MorenoCopy !req
494. and, uh, SupermanCopy !req
495. and they don't seem
to want to help.Copy !req
496. Fuckers!Copy !req
497. So, I'm asking you
flat out.Copy !req
498. Please, hire me.Copy !req
499. I want to be the announcer.Copy !req
500. I'm so fat.Copy !req
501. You're wasting
your time, Hank.Copy !req
502. Larry's quit
the People's Choice,Copy !req
503. so he can't help your ass.Copy !req
504. Oh.Copy !req
505. Well, in that case...Copy !req
506. It was a bad decision
to edit that take.Copy !req
507. "Coconut" is funnier
than "chicken."Copy !req
508. Coco... nut.Copy !req
509. It's a "K" sound
followed by a "nut."Copy !req
510. Hey...Copy !req
511. The show is in progress,
gentlemen.Copy !req
512. Hank, please return
to your chair.Copy !req
513. You wanna reconsider
your hasty decisionCopy !req
514. or are you gonna
let me be stuckCopy !req
515. with the suggestion
that the network gave me?Copy !req
516. Mr. Hal Linden.Copy !req
517. Well, Hal Linden is good.Copy !req
518. Hal Linden is funnyCopy !req
519. and he'll do
one of those dance numbers.Copy !req
520. Okay, I'll just hang there
with HalCopy !req
521. and twist slowly in the wind
for all you care.Copy !req
522. If I was you, if I was you,
I'd go get Hank.
Yeah.Copy !req
523. Give me an idea
of why Elvis is so mad.Copy !req
524. I don't have any idea.Copy !req
525. I just know
he's very, very angry.Copy !req
526. Artie...Copy !req
527. Mr. Costello?Copy !req
528. You see?Copy !req
529. You see, you said
the other projectCopy !req
530. wouldn't interfere
with your work hereCopy !req
531. and this is— the whole thing's
falling apart, okay?Copy !req
532. Oh, don't be such a pussy.Copy !req
533. Elvis!Copy !req
534. De-clan? Declan?Copy !req
535. Who's Declan?Copy !req
536. That's— that's—
that's his real name.Copy !req
537. Oh, you know,
I didn't even know that.Copy !req
538. Why don't you read
the fuckin' notes?Copy !req
539. Why don't you shove 'em
up your ass?Copy !req
540. Oh, is—
is there a problem, sir?Copy !req
541. I don't even know
why I did this show.Copy !req
542. Come on,
we're big fans here.Copy !req
543. Oh, yeah,
you're big fans.Copy !req
544. And while I'm out there
doing my number,Copy !req
545. you're yap, yap, yap, yap...Copy !req
546. We were listening
most intently.Copy !req
547. Don't give—
We're huge fans.Copy !req
548. Don't give me any more
of that "big fan" shite.Copy !req
549. Letterman. Letterman.
That's big fans.
You were incredible.Copy !req
550. When did you do Letterman?
I thought he didn't do
Letterman.Copy !req
551. I thought we were
the first to get him on.
I didn't know that.Copy !req
552. When did you do Letter—
What was Letterman like?Copy !req
553. Well, at least
he was funny.Copy !req
554. And the people there,
they want autographs,Copy !req
555. they want photographs,Copy !req
556. they come in with a question
about the songs.Copy !req
557. We, we—
Here, no one
will even look at me.Copy !req
558. All right, what can we do
to make it up?Copy !req
559. Whatever you want.Copy !req
560. I've taken care of that
myself.Copy !req
561. Bye-bye.Copy !req
562. By the way, Larry...Copy !req
563. I'm a big fan.Copy !req
564. What the...Copy !req
565. Look at this.
Look at this.Copy !req
566. I have a— this reminds meCopy !req
567. of the time
Angela Lansbury was on.Copy !req
568. Good morning.Copy !req
569. Oh, hey.Copy !req
570. Uh...Copy !req
571. I just came in to tell you
I made a mistake.Copy !req
572. I should have never taken
that People's Choice project.Copy !req
573. I was just coming
into your officeCopy !req
574. to tell you I thought
I overreacted, so...Copy !req
575. No, I thought about this
all night.Copy !req
576. I was wrong
to have asked you to co-host.Copy !req
577. You should always be the host.Copy !req
578. And you should rest
on your hiatus,Copy !req
579. so you can focus on this show
the way I should be doing.Copy !req
580. So I told 'em.Copy !req
581. "Just take your tap shoesCopy !req
582. and shove 'em
up your collective ass."Copy !req
583. So, you— you quit?Copy !req
584. No... they fired me.Copy !req
585. Rule number one, never quit.Copy !req
586. Always make them fire you,
that way you get your money.Copy !req
587. So, I'm gonna be
on that plane to HawaiiCopy !req
588. Saturday morning, buddy!Copy !req
589. I'm gonna teach you
how to windsurf.Copy !req
590. You know, um, I felt so badCopy !req
591. about our little argument
last nightCopy !req
592. that I woke up and, uh...Copy !req
593. I signed the contractCopy !req
594. to co-host
the People's Choice Awards.Copy !req
595. As a favor to you.Copy !req
596. Oh, shit.Copy !req
597. What are we gonna—Copy !req
598. Is this— is this
where I do the intro from?Copy !req
599. Okay, people,
settle down, people, quiet.Copy !req
600. Is this where I do—
It's a rehearsal.Copy !req
601. Is this where I do
the intro from?Copy !req
602. Yeah.
All right.Copy !req
603. "And now I'd like you all
to say helloCopy !req
604. to my good friend and co-host,
Miss Rita Moreno,"Copy !req
605. and then I move—
she's gonna come—Copy !req
606. Okay.
Great.Copy !req
607. All right.
Okay, and Rita
settles in.Copy !req
608. Yeah, yeah, it's really,
really very easy.
Just take my hand.Copy !req
609. Now—
We can do some step-kicks.Copy !req
610. Like we did the other, uh...Copy !req
611. Right, and then when I put up
my leg, you grab it, okay?Copy !req
612. Let's go.Copy !req
613. Okay.
Here we go.Copy !req
614. And... kick, step,
step, step.Copy !req
615. Kick, step, step, step.
Kick, step, step, step.Copy !req
616. Now catch my leg.
Catch my— there you—Copy !req
617. I just pulled something.Copy !req
618. I just—
uh, right here.Copy !req
619. Can I just take
a little break?Copy !req
620. Oh.Copy !req
621. Is there a...Copy !req
622. I did this in high school.
Excuse me.Copy !req
623. I don't think he dances.Copy !req
624. Now, Larry,
I think this can work.Copy !req
625. You just have to commit.Copy !req
626. I am not dancing.Copy !req
627. I'll tell you what—
you get Artie, then I'll dance.Copy !req
628. I don't even know
where Arthur is.Copy !req
629. He is in Hawaii.Copy !req
630. He's on the island of Oahu,
in Honolulu.Copy !req
631. Larry...Copy !req
632. I know this is
unfamiliar territory.Copy !req
633. You feel a little
out of place here.Copy !req
634. Just a tad.Copy !req
635. We've made an adjustmentCopy !req
636. that's gonna make you feel
more at home, okay?Copy !req
637. Can we hear
that opening announce, please?Copy !req
638. Hank on speaker:
And now,
the People's Choice AwardsCopy !req
639. salute in song and in danceCopy !req
640. 35 years of daytime dramas.Copy !req
641. Mmm... tastes
a little like coconut.Copy !req