The Larry Sanders Show 3x3

1. Applesauce.

2. No, no, I-I'm kidding, it says "Applause."

3. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

4. All right.

5. Now, remember, you're all, you're all

6. a big part of the show,

7. so the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

9. Yeah, he's give me this, uh, this sign and it says...

10. "We're on in ten seconds," so get ready to have a good time.

11. All right, here we go.

12. This is exciting, isn't it?

13. In... five, four, three, two!

14. Live on tape from Hollywood, "The Larry Sanders Show."

15. Tonight, join Larry and his guests:

16. John Cusack, Justine Bateman.

17. Musical guest Garth Brooks and me, "Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

18. And now because he needs you more than you need him,

19. Larry Sanders!

20. Thank you.

21. Thank you very much.

22. That is a...

23. Thank you, wow.

24. There's always...

25. You are...

26. You are, may I say— May I say this?

27. May I say this with all sincerity,

28. you are an exceptionally hot crowd

29. for the middle of the week.

30. As we all know and I think as we all care deeply in our hearts,

31. America's favorite couple, Tom and Roseanne have split up.

32. But to prove that his career is not in trouble,

33. Tom was recently seen dating Tim Allen.

34. A recent study says that 76% of college seniors—

35. This is unbelievable, listen to this, Hank.

36. A recent study says that 76% of college seniors

37. are sexually active,

38. but only 50% of college freshmen are.

39. So, I have one message too all of you young people out there.

40. Stay in school.

41. You know, you see the athletes preach that.

42. You see the politician preach that.

43. But only I, Larry Sanders, can say, "Stay in school,

44. you may yet get laid."

45. John Cusack, Justine Bateman, Garth Brooks.

46. No flipping, we'll be right back.

47. We have a great show, we'll be right back.

48. Had tonight's show a rudder and a sail,

49. it would've won America's Cup!

50. What is wrong with you?

51. I thought it was more like the Indy 500.

52. No, it's three points from outside!

53. Swish, nothing but net.

54. All right, shake it off.

55. Beverly, would you do me a favor?

56. Call Jason Alexander and ask him if the Laker tickets he has are—

57. Wait, could you hold for one moment?

58. Would you ask him if the Laker tickets he has are floor seats?

59. And don't let him know that I'm asking about it.

60. Everything all right? Who's that? Okay.

61. It's the guy from Tower Records. Oh, did he get the album?

62. Larry, he said it would really help

63. if you knew the name of the song or the artist.

64. Just can't get it, I heard it on the radio...

65. Well, sing it. It's a woman, it sounds...

66. You sing it to him.

67. If I think of it, I'll come back.

68. Hi, yes, yes, he is talented.

69. Carry the six, four and seven, that's 11.

70. Carry the one, that's... 1,500 on the nose.

71. Told you. Someone is stealing money from my ATM account.

72. Well, let's see, you've got a doctor's prescription mixed up in here.

73. What is this? Rectiman.

74. That sounds familiar, what's that for?

75. For what it sounds like, that is for nasal congestion.

76. Look at this one.

77. Who would take $200 from a 7-Eleven in San Luis Obispo?

78. Beautiful country up there.

79. Yeah.

80. Who has access to your ATM account?

81. My business manager.

82. And his assistant.

83. My agent.

84. Gardener and housekeeper.

85. So, technically your account is a big slush fund

86. for the entire Pacific Rim.

87. Just how bad is the nasal congestion?

88. It burns, you know, when I inhale.

89. Uh-oh.

90. Uh, Larry, here are your new ties for the Friars Roast.

91. Oh, this is a beauty.

92. Armani.

93. And, uh...

94. Jason Alexander's seats are in the loge.

95. The loge? Yes, in the loge.

96. In the loge? The loge.

97. Call him and tell him that—

98. That you're busy tomorrow night but thank you anyway, okay.

99. These are two pastel-ish.

100. Well, you're the one who said peach.

101. No, I said, uh, plum.

102. No, you didn't say plum.

103. I said plum. I heard—

104. Okay, well, maybe you said plum but you said peach.

105. Anyway, Larry, here's your mail and your ointment.

106. Tennis elbow.

107. It's my tennis elbow ointment, right?

108. Yes. Good.

109. I wasn't gonna ask.

110. Oh, Larry, your father called.

111. Oh, what does he want this time?

112. I don't know.

113. Well, would you handle it for me?

114. Larry, sooner or later, you're gonna have to talk to the man.

115. No, I don't, no, I don't.

116. Yes. I'm getting relief already.

117. He's going out tonight, right?

118. Yeah, dinner with Carrie Fisher.

119. Remind him to wipe the Rectiman from his elbow.

120. Beverly on intercom: Larry, your father's on the phone again.

121. Larry, pick it up.

122. Don't go out that door, Larry.

123. Okay, we've done "Hank's a lot,"

124. so now let's make these "Hey now."

125. Yeah?

126. Hi. Hey!

127. Well, uh, geez, I wish you'd given us a little warning.

128. This, uh, place is a pigsty.

129. Come in, come in.

130. Please, uh, sit.

131. Uh, no, not there, uh, Darlene spilled.

132. Sorry.

133. It's okay over here?

134. Absolutely, make yourself at home.

135. Good.

136. Sorry. Relax, just relax.

137. You realize this is the only the second— second time

138. that you've paid us the honor of a visit.

139. Oh, that doesn't seem possible. Is that right?

140. It is, isn't it? Yes.

141. It is, and I have the photo to prove it, July 12, 1991.

142. I remember.

143. Oh. Thank you for coming.

144. Come on, cut it out.

145. These are non-fat, enjoy.

146. No, thank you. Sure?

147. Well, over here.

148. Um... terrific, isn't she?

149. Oh, she's the best. Yeah.

150. I wouldn't know what to do if she left me.

151. I-I couldn't brush my, uh, my teeth without her, literally.

152. Do you, um...

153. are you, um...

154. Do you have trouble, uh,

155. trusting anybody who handles your finances?

156. You're having money problems, huh?

157. No, just some of the numbers don't add up right, you know?

158. I don't need the details. Give me the figures.

159. 50,000.

160. Dammit! You know...

161. I'd like to do this, but I'm having—

162. It's a little hard for me to swing right now.

163. I'll tell you why, um...

164. I'm having some plumbing problems down in the, uh,

165. uh, the Look Around Cafe, and, um...

166. I'm just kidding, I don't need any money.

167. Not even a loan.

168. I know that, I know that.

169. I'm doing well. I know.

170. Hey, listen, but if you ever did... name a figure.

171. Thanks, that's how I see it the same.

172. Beverly on intercom: Uh, Hank, is Larry in there?

173. 'Cause his father's on the phone.

174. I'm not in right now.

175. No, he's not.

176. Look, Hank, don't lie to me, I am not in the mood.

177. Um, he's here, he's here.

178. Oh, Mr. Sanders? I just tracked him down.

179. He'll be in his office in a second.

180. Okay, just hang on.

181. Beverly?

182. I hope you're not badgering our Larry.

183. He's a grown man, sweetie.

184. If he doesn't want to talk to his daddy, he doesn't have to.

185. Do you think I enjoy chasing him down, Artie?

186. I've done my share of chasing him down, sweetheart.

187. I find it invigorating,

188. the thrill of the hunt, et cetera.

189. Well, when I came here, when I took this job,

190. I came here under the assumption

191. that I was to do his schedule and return his phone calls,

192. not play family therapist and do his tie shopping

193. and pick the tomatoes out of his salad.

194. Darling, the job is to keep our little host happy,

195. whatever that takes.

196. Well, sometimes I think it takes too much.

197. And do you think it would kill him

198. if he could just say "thank you" just once?

199. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

200. Larry's man.

201. I swear if I looked any fatter...

202. Oh, knock it off, you look terrific.

203. No, yeah.

204. Lar, why don't you wanna talk to your dad?

205. 'Cause he's a pain in the ass.

206. No.

207. Now you listen to me, Lar.

208. Lar— Larry?

209. My father left us.

210. I never had the chance to say the things

211. that I always wanted to say to him, and I—

212. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I've made.

213. Listen, believe it or not, neither do I.

214. Hello, Dad?

215. Hey.

216. Listen, did you get to see the show last night?

217. Well, we had Jonathan Winters on,

218. and I know he's one of your favorites.

219. I thought you might've seen it.

220. Well, no, I know it's on late.

221. Yeah.

222. Well...

223. Yeah.

224. Have you seen any of 'em?

225. Yeah.

226. Well, listen, uh, you—

227. Oh, you wanna come and visit.

228. When— when are you thinking of visiting, Dad?

229. Tomorrow? Tomorrow.

230. Perfect. No, I look forward to that.

231. I'll send you the ticket.

232. Yeah.

233. First Class, yes.

234. Yes, and I'll have Beverly pick you up.

235. Yes, I can do all of that.

236. What else?

237. It's all yours.

238. Beverly? Yes?

239. Would you get the tape of the ocean sounds?

240. My father's coming tomorrow.

241. I'm gonna be lying face down.

242. Gave me some sand and some sea urchins.

243. Dammit, I just kept calling you Kramer out there.

244. I'm sorry.

245. No, that's all right, it's an easy mistake.

246. It's just that I love the show so much,

247. and I just keep getting you and your character mixed up.

248. Well, that, that's— 'cause I, I play George on the show.

249. Michael Richards plays Kramer.

250. Well, you keep up the good work.

251. I'll see you soon. Okay, I hope so.

252. Hey, Jason.

253. Good job, bad audience. Really?

254. Excellent as always.

255. My boy, when are they going to give you your own show?

256. Artie, telephone!

257. I'll be back for that answer.

258. Uh, listen, I'm sorry that, uh,

259. Hank kept calling you Kramer.

260. Ah, that's— uh, he apologized.

261. Yeah, it could've been worse.

262. He could've been calling you Elaine.

263. That's what he called Tim Allen last week.

264. Really? Oh, man.

265. Uh, well, listen, you're welcome anytime back.

266. Great, thanks. Hey, Larry, listen, what's, uh—

267. What's the chance of you making that Laker game this week?

268. Oh, well, gee... Oh, I'm sorry— you know what?

269. You're not free. No.

270. Just can't make it.

271. Oh, really, I'm sorry, 'cause the greatest thing happened.

272. You know, we had these crappy loge seats.

273. And Ovitz calls me, and he's giving us

274. front-row seats right next to Nicholson.

275. That's— that's gonna be wild. Really?

276. Did you say Wednesday? No, no, it's Thursday.

277. Oh, you know what, you're free on Thursday.

278. Good.

279. Oh, great! So, I'm in.

280. So come with us, this is great.

281. Steve Guttenberg's going and, you know, we'll go to the game

282. and hang out afterward.

283. Thursday...

284. Oh, God, wait a minute, I'm confused,

285. Um, wrong day here.

286. You're not clear on Thursday.

287. Shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

288. Oh, oh, some other time. Too bad.

289. Hey, I'll call you, we'll get together.

290. Great, I hope so.

291. Good job, keep up the good work, the show is great, really.

292. Oh, thanks, we're a big hit.

293. Hey, listen, Jerry says you're doing great.

294. The monologues are really getting funny now.

295. Take it easy, Larry.

296. Is my father here yet? Yes, he is here.

297. We just got back from the airport, traffic was horrendous.

298. Would you walk with me? Where is he?

299. 'Cause he's in your office.

300. Come on.

301. Would you come here, please?

302. My father's in my office. Would you mind helping me?

303. What do you want me to do? Take him to dinner?

304. Get him hammered, a couple of hookers?

305. No, no, that would be overkill. Just be yourself.

306. Hey, Jerry, how the hell are ya!

307. It's always a delight to greet my second favorite Mr. Sanders.

308. Hello, Arthur.

309. Dad, how are you? Hello, Larry.

310. I've been better. Yeah.

311. But all in all, I can't complain.

312. Well, how'd you like the show?

313. I didn't get a chance to see it.

314. Oh, just 20 yards that way, Dad.

315. Yeah, I was kind of worn out after the plane ride.

316. Uh-huh. Had an aisle seat.

317. I guess Beverly didn't know I prefer the window.

318. Yeah, well, that'll knock it out of you, Dad.

319. So, what are you boys gonna do for fun while you're out here?

320. I, uh...

321. cleared some time, whatever—

322. I really didn't come for fun.

323. I just had to get away from Karen for a while.

324. We've been arguing again.

325. Yeah, I know.

326. Artie...

327. Post-show critique?

328. What? Post-show critique?

329. Gotcha! Sure, right away.

330. We have to do the post-show critique, Dad.

331. I'll be back in a few minutes.

332. You want some coffee?

333. Do you have ice tea?

334. Yeah, I think so, I'll check.

335. You look terrific, Jerry.

336. I won't keep your boy but a second.

337. Just one more minute.

338. Geez, Larry, you've been 45 minutes.

339. Your father gonna spend the night in there?

340. You know, I think it's the housekeeper

341. that's been taking my money.

342. I guessed that yesterday.

343. Yeah? Nice tie, by the way.

344. Oh, thanks, just something I picked up.

345. Yeah, it looks familiar.

346. Yes, I've had it for years.

347. Okay, tah-tah.

348. Hi.

349. Where's Dad? Huh?

350. He's in the office.

351. Ooh, fathers and sons.

352. Fathers and sons.

353. Things that look alike.

354. Things that, uh, go camping together.

355. Oh, stop it. Most male relationships.

356. Would you stop it? You joke.

357. But the father and son thing,

358. that's the most difficult dynamic there is.

359. Now, all I'm saying is you gotta settle it

360. with this gentleman before he...

361. Dies.

362. Yes.

363. And believe me, you're— you're gonna thank me

364. for this when he's... Dead.

365. Phil, how do you get the Flying Toasters off of this thing?

366. Oh, like this.

367. Well, that's one way, I suppose.

368. When you got money for me the other day,

369. you didn't give anybody my ATM password by any chance, did you?

370. No. But, uh, you gotta admit that L-A-R-R-Y

371. is pretty easy to guess. Yeah, I changed that.

372. Oh, you changed it? Yeah.

373. What, to Sanders? Hardy-har-har.

374. Uh, Larry, uh, I don't mind talking to your dad.

375. I don't even mind going out and getting his ice tea.

376. But I still have to update your daily log

377. and call the guy about your socks.

378. Okay, listen, we have to change my ATM password, Beverly.

379. Why? Phil guessed it.

380. And, uh, this is your son.

381. Uh, this is Billy Crystal.

382. And, uh...

383. I just think it's very important for you to, uh...

384. uh, get a sense of what your son is doing

385. especially since he does it so very well.

386. Only wish my dad could've seen my work.

387. But by the time I got my, uh, first big boat show,

388. he was, um...

389. Oh, this is the night that H. Ross Perot was on the, uh...

390. You're, what, a sidekick?

391. Yes, sir.

392. Second banana.

393. You know, I like to think of myself as, uh...

394. second in command— Here you go.

395. Like Ed McMahon.

396. Exactly like Ed McMahon.

397. That's a pretty sweet deal.

398. Take home a big paycheck

399. just for holding down a couch and selling crap.

400. Wow.

401. You know, for just a split second there,

402. you reminded me of the old man himself.

403. Henry Joseph Kingsley, that's, uh—

404. Is this Diet Coke?

405. I asked for Classic Coke.

406. No, I think, uh— actually,

407. I think you asked for Diet Coke, sir.

408. I don't think so.

409. Here, let me get that for you.

410. Beverly, would you do me a favor

411. and hand me that pair of underwear over there?

412. And also, would you get me another dozen,

413. maybe, uh, half this color, half black?

414. Okay.

415. You look very sporty.

416. You think so? You like 'em?

417. Terrific!

418. Beverly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart

419. for handing Larry his undies.

420. Larry thanks you, too, don't you?

421. Artie, please.

422. Uh, Beverly, do me a favor and get Larry's father

423. the hell out of my office.

424. Hank?

425. Um...

426. Larry, your father's a big pain in the ass.

427. Mr. Kingsley has just left the building. Right.

428. You know what? It's all right.

429. I know Hank is right.

430. I hate to agree with Hank, but I guess it's so.

431. No matter what you do for my dad, I swear to God,

432. there's never a thank you.

433. Like it would kill him.

434. Come on out of there, let's see that rig!

435. Well, you know, that's all you see

436. in this outfit is my rig, I think.

437. Could you have the apple, please?

438. Because I'm really crashing, do you—

439. You said you wanted an orange.

440. Fine, anything at this point.

441. Turn around, will you, please?

442. Beverly, you spent a lot of time with my father.

443. I mean, what do you think?

444. Oh, all I know is it's the most frustrating

445. thing in the world trying to please someone

446. that doesn't appreciate anything you do.

447. That is exactly right.

448. We gotta get the seedless ones next time

449. if you're gonna do this.

450. You're, um, welcome, Larry.

451. Can we cut the sketch? I look like an asshole.

452. A funny, silver asshole.

453. Even better.

454. I know who stole your money.

455. Do I have any extra expenses this month that you know of?

456. Uh, why do you ask?

457. Because there's 1,500 missing from my ATM account.

458. I know, I took it.

459. You took it.

460. Yes, I took it.

461. If you wanted to know why, why didn't you ask me and I would've told you.

462. Well, it never would've crossed my mind to ask you

463. 'cause I wouldn't think you'd be stealing from my ATM account.

464. I would never steal from you.

465. Well, then what do you call this?

466. I would never steal from you, Larry!

467. Well, here it is, how do you explain this?

468. Well, because three months ago,

469. you had me drive to Encino looking for a paint chip

470. from your decorator. Uh-huh.

471. I spent three hours in traffic, Larry.

472. That's three hours for a paint chip, so I charged you.

473. It seems to me your salary covers that kind of thing.

474. It was on a Sunday, Larry.

475. Yeah? So, I charged you.

476. And I charged you when you had me driving

477. all over Los Angeles looking for peach-colored ties for you.

478. I charged you.

479. And I charge you for picking up your frozen yogurt

480. at 7:00 every morning so that you can

481. have the first batch out of the machine.

482. Every morning? That is not my job.

483. I'm tired.

484. I'm tired, Larry.

485. I'm tired of cleaning your ointment applicators.

486. I am tired of begging your father to come see the show

487. so that you can feel good about yourself.

488. Did you ask my dad to come and see the show?

489. What did he say?

490. Forget it, okay? Forget it.

491. Well, what, what— Forget what?

492. What, what is it?

493. You want, you want a raise, is that it?

494. Larry, this is not about money.

495. Well, then— if there's some job you're not comfortable doing,

496. just ask the weird intern to do it.

497. This is not about the workload either.

498. Well, then what is it?

499. Larry, this is about people

500. who take other people for granted,

501. who can't even say thank you

502. or appreciate anything you try to do for them.

503. What did my father do this time?

504. The Post Office wants to increase the cost

505. of first-class stamps from 29 cents to 32 cents.

506. This is, well, it's due to the fact...

507. Due to the fact that disgruntled postal workers say they need

508. the extra revenue because of the rising cost of ammunition.

509. We'll be right back.

510. No flipping.

511. Uh, you've got a speck next to your nose

512. on your left side right there.

513. Skin cancer.

514. Don't look now, but Sanders the elder

515. is sitting in our fair audience.

516. You're kidding Where?

517. 10:00, next to the blonde woman

518. with the tank top and espadrilles.

519. My God.

520. I can't believe he's actually here.

521. Oh, yeah, there was a definite negative vibe out there.

522. That's why your monologue went right in the dumper.

523. Shut up, Hank.

524. That's not why the monologue went into the dumper.

525. Do you know this is the first time

526. he's ever come to see me perform?

527. You're kidding? No.

528. He never thought I would make it.

529. No, he's just been bitter.

530. Well, if I spent 30 years selling office equipment,

531. I'd be bitter about damn near everything.

532. Um, Larry, here's your butt cream and, um,

533. Beverly said that you might want some yogurt for after the show?

534. We're in the middle of a show right now.

535. Raspberry, okay?

536. Any toppings? Would you please? Pecans.

537. What is that? This is for poison oak.

538. Oh.

539. Back in five, four, three, two and...

540. As you can tell...

541. As you can tell, tonight is the night

542. we do the regular feature of our show,

543. "Food sent back to the kitchen by famous stars."

544. Uh, that, that is correct,

545. and Chef Kingsley and Chef Sanders

546. take you on a tour of Southern California's finest kitchens.

547. Now, what is the first item on tonight's menu...

548. Chef Sanders?

549. And don't be thrown by the fact that I'm not wearing the hat.

550. Nevertheless, a chef.

551. This was returned by Sinead O'Connor,

552. sent back, uh, pasta sent back

553. because there was a hair in it.

554. Sinead O'Connor.

555. There was a hair in it.

556. You know, before we get on with this, may I take a second?

557. My father is, uh, visiting here,

558. and I would be remiss if I didn't introduce you to my father.

559. He's been visiting for a couple days.

560. Dad, stand up in the audience and say hello—

561. Let the people say hello to you.

562. Stand up for a second.

563. There he is.

564. That is my dad, and I wanna say,

565. Dad, it's been great having you here

566. visiting this week and, uh...

567. everything I got, uh, comedy-wise I owe to you.

568. You're a terrific man and I love you very much.

569. Oh, you just reminded me of my mother

570. who is watching tonight.

571. Well, that's all right. And I'd like to say, Mom—

572. Hank, Hank, let's go on with the—

573. You know, I should take one more second while I—

574. while I've just introduced my dad

575. and just say to my assistant Beverly who I know is watching,

576. uh, I hope is watching, is probably not watching.

577. But thank you, Beverly, for everything you've done, I...

578. I appreciate it a lot.

579. Thank you very much.

580. You know, there's a young lady named Darlene...

581. Well, "F" me.

582. I'd like to say...

583. Would you hand me the next one, please?

584. I think we've peaked and yet...

585. This is— oh, this is simply,

586. of course, a...

587. Uh...

588. Let me just get this open.

589. I mean, this'll just take a second.

590. This one...

591. No, you don't wanna open...

592. The prop department— Yes, no?

593. This one I really wanna get open

594. because this is the one we've been saving, folks.

595. This is the—

596. You know, you hope that when you do a bit like this

597. and something comes out that is... this is, you—

598. Rarely do you have the confidence to know this is worth the trouble.

599. And for some reason— why did the prop...

600. This, of course, was sent back...

601. This is a plate licked clean by Roseanne.

602. There it is, a plate licked clean by Roseanne.

603. What you did for your father tonight, I salute you.

604. You're finally turning into the man I always thought you were.

605. Thanks, thanks.

606. Where is he? 'Cause I wanna see if he liked the show.

607. He loved it.

608. But he left. You're kidding?

609. He had to catch an early plane to Pittsburgh.

610. He sends his love.

611. Left right after the Marilu Henner segment.

612. Well, that segment dragged anyway, didn't it?

613. What you said about Beverly, hey, that was sweet.

614. Yeah. I don't do that often enough.

615. Why is that?

616. I wonder where that trait comes from.

617. Yeah...

618. Hey, Artie, I was looking for you.

619. Jason. Hey, buddy, we gotta go.

620. Going to the Lakers game.

621. Oh, okay, well, have a good time.

622. Tell Guttenberg I said hi.

623. Oh, uh, Steve called, he can't go, he's sick,

624. so I asked Julia Roberts to come along.

625. Boing. Ahh!

626. See ya, kid!

627. Hey, Paula? Hang on.

628. Um, do you think Beverly would like flowers every Friday?

629. Absolutely, she'd love that.

630. Okay, can you do me a little favor? Can you—

631. Here's some Fro-Yo, fresh out of the machine.

632. Oh, thank you.

633. Well, I wanted blueberry.

634. And, uh, there's no pecans, but thanks.

635. Thanks!

636. I can't send her flowers,

637. and I can't ask her to send flowers to herself.

638. I'll do it. So, I'm kind of— would you mind?

639. Yeah, I'll do it, I just need to know how to pay for it.

640. We'll, I'll give you— do you have a pen?

641. I'll give you my ATM password. I have it.

642. Well, no, I just changed it. It's "Leno" now, right?

643. Beverly?