The Larry Sanders Show 3x15

1. Hey, Hank. How goes it, buddy?

2. Couldn't be better.

3. Aw, cheer up. Soon this divorce will be final.

4. You'll be a free man

5. with what's left of your life in front of you.

6. Well, thank you.

7. Uh, you know, just another little tip.

8. When you have meetings with her lawyer,

9. always wear the same suit.

10. That way, they think it's the only one you own.

11. They don't rape you so much on the fucking alimony.

12. Oh, good, I'll— I'll remember that,

13. but, Artie, I— I got a plan.

14. You see, I'm gonna channel all the energy

15. that I put into that— that marriage

16. into a little something called "The Larry Sanders Show."

17. No more half-ass Kingsley.

18. From now on, total focus.

19. Okay, what's on the agenda for today?

20. Okay, you have the voice-over for the Puppy Lunch spot.

21. Excellent. What time? 2:30.

22. That is what Chinese man say when he go to dentist.

23. He say, "Uh-oh, uh-oh, my tooth hurty!"

24. And what else? That's all.

25. Really?

26. You know, we have that list of fans

27. that we've been meaning to call.

28. There you go. Yeah.

29. There you go.

30. You know, I've been putting that off for way too long—

31. that's very important, isn't it?

32. Because, uh...

33. We have to take care of the fans.

34. That's right. And why?

35. Because we love them. Because they pay the bills.

36. Right. Right. Okay, who's first?

37. Okay, Mr. Neil Callahan from Denver, Colorado.

38. All right. He's in the hospital,

39. and he says a call from you would really cheer him up.

40. All right.

41. Well, let's do this.

42. Let us blow Mr. Neil Callahan's mind.

43. Hey now!

44. Hank Kingsley calling for Mr. Neil Callaham.

45. Callaham.

46. Okay... okay.

47. I understand. Thank you.

48. We have to, uh...

49. we have to really keep on top of these calls.

50. You want to keep going?

51. No. The first one

52. kind of took the wind out of my sails.

53. Uh, I do— I have to say good night.

54. I want to thank you, Mary. Thank you, Sarah Jessica Parker.

55. Do I call you Sarah or Sarah Jessica Parker?

56. Or Sarah Jessica? Whatever you'd like, really.

57. Well, I'll call you Sal. Okay.

58. And, Hank, good job, and we'll see you all tomorrow night.

59. My guests are Kevin Kline, comedian Jeff Cesario,

60. and teen math whiz, Karen Flaherty.

61. Good night and see you tomorrow.

62. Thank you. That was just great. Oh, thanks.

63. Watch out for Hank.

64. Thank you. That was just great, Mary.

65. Watch out for Hank.

66. All right? Sure.

67. Hank, good job tonight. Good job. Thank you.

68. Listen to that crowd. Excellent.

69. Here's some pills for later. Have a good time, all right?

70. Mm-hmm. All right.

71. Uh, Sarah Jess? Yeah?

72. Oh, I wanted to tell you I just thought you were...

73. you were first-rate on the show. Just great.

74. Oh, really? You sure I did all right?

75. Are you kidding?

76. You know, we had Patricia Arquette

77. on the show the other night, Mm-hmm.

78. you know, and she died the death of a dog.

79. You know, I don't want to be judgmental,

80. but, uh, well, the— the kids in the business,

81. you know, the babies, they just don't have the...

82. what is it? The savvy that we old hands do, do they?

83. I have a boyfriend.

84. Yeah. Um, do you play pool?

85. I... I have a boyfriend. You know, I have a boyfriend.

86. Because I'm— I'm headed over to the Hollywood Athletic Club,

87. and uh, thought we could, uh, shoot a few games.

88. You know, I got my own cue and balls.

89. Really? Mm.

90. Well, I have my own cue also.

91. He's in New York, and he's flying in tonight. Hm.

92. And besides, Hank, you're— you're old enough

93. to be my father.

94. Ouch.

95. How old is your father?

96. Or was your father, in which case I'm very sorry?

97. It's Matthew Broderick. I— I date Matthew Broderick.

98. Hey, hey, no pressure. If tomorrow's better,

99. hey, I'm fly with that.

100. You're fly?

101. What? Is it down?

102. Oh, hi, Paula.

103. Listen, um, could I speak to Arthur, please?

104. And— and do you think that there's someone

105. who can walk me to my car?

106. Oh, I got it. I could walk her out.

107. There's no problem. Thank you.

108. Mary. Oh, Jesus!

109. You scared me. I'm sorry.

110. You ain't seen nothing yet, baby.

111. Oh, that's good to know.

112. Hey, they gave you a little gift thing.

113. Yeah, a gift basket.

114. Can I— can I talk to you for just a second?

115. I just want you to know that I feel that you and I,

116. you know, we just have something in, uh, in common.

117. Oh, you hate being hit on by desperate men, too?

118. Oh, sorry.

119. No, it's funny. I— I like it. I like it. Yeah. I'm sorry.

120. No, you see, that's what I like in a—

121. You got— you got the...

122. I've got a car waiting for me.

123. You know, why don't you hit on Sarah Jessica Parker?

124. Well, maybe I will.

125. Good night.

126. I don't know.

127. Remember they said that you get time and a half

128. after, like, 50 hours,

129. but I can guarantee you will never see it.

130. Uh-oh.

131. How's my favorite lady on the stage doing?

132. I got a bottle of champagne at home with your name on it.

133. And what name would that be?

134. Brut.

135. Get real, Hank.

136. Oh, I like them small and compact.

137. Have I ever mentioned that to you before?

138. Then why don't you go fuck a Toyota?

139. Wow, and a sense of humor.

140. No one loves me.

141. No one really cares.

142. I do.

143. You do, don't you?

144. You're good.

145. And I'm not good.

146. You're good,

147. and, uh...

148. I, uh... I don't appreciate it.

149. You do, in your own way.

150. You do. No, not really, no, no.

151. Most of the time I act like I just

152. don't give a flaming shit.

153. That's you.

154. Hey. Hey.

155. You're a beautiful person.

156. Thank you.

157. You know, most of the time, I keep my professional distance.

158. You know, admiring your— your hair.

159. You have great hair. Thanks.

160. Tight little body.

161. Your— your breasts.

162. Hank. Hank! Come on. Come on.

163. Right, right.

164. Like you never thought about getting down with me.

165. Come on, give it a shot and let's see what happens!

166. Hank, how could you?

167. Right. That's right.

168. There you go.

169. Aw, no, no, no, uh-uh.

170. I'm sorry, kiddo, but you can't blame yourself.

171. Even though you are irresistible,

172. this has nothing to do with you.

173. It's part of the process of divorce.

174. They serve you papers,

175. you hit on your secretary.

176. It's a tale as old as time.

177. Right. It was so scary, Arthur.

178. In a way, it was like it wasn't really Hank talking.

179. Whoever's fault it was, a divorce is very painful.

180. Next few weeks won't be very pretty.

181. How do you know? (laughing)

182. How do I know? Experience.

183. Let me tell you something.

184. After my first wife gave me the gate,

185. I went on a binge of sex, drugs,

186. and an 180-proof Everclear that lasted for three years.

187. After my fourth divorce,

188. I— I was able to squeeze the same amount of debauchery

189. into a long weekend.

190. But I have a scar from that one.

191. Poor Hank.

192. I've — I've just never seen him

193. as a sex-and-drugs kind of guy.

194. Well, it's one of the six stages of healing after a divorce.

195. Shock, denial,

196. fear, booze,

197. boners, acceptance.

198. Hmm.

199. I'm worried about him, though.

200. He was really a mess when he left here.

201. Well, me, too.

202. Old Hank is in a spiritual tailspin.

203. Well, I'm sure he'll find someone

204. he'll be able to talk to about it.

205. You know, maybe a good friend

206. or perhaps even

207. a trusted member of the clergy.

208. Well, how much just to jack me off?

209. 150 cash up front.

210. What do you mean, up front?

211. That— that's a new policy, isn't it?

212. Easier that way.

213. You know, when you go to a gas station,

214. they ask you to pay first, so it's a— a precedent, you know.

215. Okay.

216. And it was a really messy divorce. Yeah?

217. 'Cause there was a child involved.

218. Um, him, and, uh...

219. Listen, I think I should tell you,

220. I just have a real need to...

221. here you go... feel loved tonight.

222. Yeah, me, too.

223. Hey, hey, hey. No.

224. No kissing. I don't work that way.

225. Okay, let me just explain something to you, okay?

226. My wife and I split,

227. so I just... I'm trying to replace some of the,

228. uh... some of the intimacy I had with her with you.

229. Here.

230. Anything you say, mister.

231. And don't call me mister, all right? Just...

232. Mm-hmm.

233. You have no idea who I am, do you?

234. Thought for a minute I had an idea.

235. Yeah. Yeah.

236. There's this guy I used to meet at a motel in Hermosa Beach.

237. Yeah.

238. Used to make cat noises when I blew him.

239. Jeez.

240. You kind of look like him.

241. Some people are really fucked up.

242. So, you want to do this?

243. Yep.

244. You're the boss.

245. Okay.

246. Yes, sir.

247. Yes, sir.

248. Wow.

249. Arrrrgh.

250. Rrrr.

251. Mmm. Woof!

252. I'm all right— Aaiiee!

253. Arf, arf!

254. Hey, Hank, what's new, buddy?

255. No! Well, look,

256. food poisoning, that's nasty business.

257. I hope you're taking care of both ends.

258. Yeah, sure.

259. Oh, don't worry about it. I'll tell Larry.

260. Okay. Don't worry. Okay. Bye.

261. Hank's not gonna be in tonight.

262. Uh, listen, uh, Paula,

263. if you can't get Ray Combs or Shadow Stevens,

264. I'll cover it.

265. Arthur, you're kidding.

266. Hank has never missed a show, never.

267. Hank's not doing the show?

268. How will we survive? Will there be a tomorrow?

269. God in heaven, save us!

270. Man on TV: As a matter of fact, one of the most common things

271. people do is they get sexually promiscuous.

272. After a divorce.

273. Well, in the end stages.

274. Because? Now, why is that?

275. Well, because they're feeling rejected

276. and they want to test themselves in the world,

277. and— and they're basically insecure at heart, and— Right.

278. And they're looking for someone to love them

279. because they don't love themselves enough

280. to get through it.

281. So any kind of sexual...

282. You know, you and I should go out on a date sometime.

283. I mean, not like this. Just a real date.

284. Just have... have fun.

285. I don't date the guys I do.

286. Well, now listen, we have a lot in common.

287. You know, I'm in show business, so...

288. I'm— I'm a little bit of a whore, too.

289. You calling me a whore?

290. I'm not calling you a whore. No, no.

291. I'm— No, I'm just saying that, you know,

292. you're different from the other wh—

293. from the other girls,

294. and, uh, I just think you're someone

295. I could have a relationship with.

296. I think you're someone special.

297. Yeah? Mm-hmm.

298. And then after the sex, they really don't feel okay,

299. so they just look for another fix, don't they?

300. Well, after the sex, they feel worse.

301. You know what's funny? What?

302. You're not the first sidekick I've been with.

303. One time, uh...

304. one time I did this guy named,

305. uh, what's his name?

306. Andy Richter.

307. Get out.

308. Go on.

309. But— but you paid for the whole night.

310. Get out. Go on. Take off.

311. Sheesh— God, you sidekicks are all alike.

312. I heard that.

313. Arthur, hello. Um, Paul Wallum.

314. We met at the network Christmas party. Oh.

315. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're in charge of research.

316. You got a wife named Karen. Children, uh, Michael, Lucy.

317. Dog, Ginger.

318. I am impressed. I mean, you were pretty...

319. I don't know how to say it.

320. Hammered. That would pretty well cover it.

321. What can I do for you, Paul?

322. Uh, what's going on with Hank?

323. Hank has been feeling ill,

324. so he's not gonna take his place

325. on the couch for a couple of days.

326. Baby, good to see you. Bye-bye.

327. A friend of mine said that he saw Mr. Kingsley

328. sitting in a hotel bar with a prostitute.

329. Your friend is mistaken.

330. No, he assures me he's not.

331. Hank is at home taking care of himself

332. and preparing to return to work.

333. All I'm saying

334. is that it— it's not good for the network

335. to have one of its stars seen in public with a hooker.

336. So, what's your point?

337. Are you trying to imply that I wouldn't know

338. of the whereabouts of my sidekick?

339. Are you trying to suggest that I am so incompetent

340. that I wouldn't know if Hank Kingsley

341. was avoiding work so he could fuck a whore?

342. Listen, your friend has got a big mouth, mister.

343. He sees a bald man with a hooker.

344. Automatically, it's Hank Kingsley.

345. I wasn't aware Carl Reiner's out of town.

346. You're breaking my heart, lover, you know that?

347. Oh, shut up, Sid.

348. You only care about me because you're my agent.

349. I pay you 10% to care about me.

350. 71/2%, you cheap bastard.

351. Hank, you lost soul,

352. so your marriage has turned to shit.

353. I know what you're going through,

354. but— but this with the—

355. with the whores and the booze—

356. You know what I'm going through, hmm?

357. Yeah.

358. You've been married to the same lady for 56 years.

359. I'm thinking of getting out. Please.

360. Hank, and don't be such a putz with the hookers.

361. It's bad for your reputation.

362. Hank, what you need is a special woman.

363. I had a special woman.

364. And now I don't have a special woman.

365. That is what I am doing in this fucking hotel.

366. Hank, I don't mean— I don't mean a wife.

367. I mean a hooker.

368. Somebody who's discreet, can be trusted.

369. Somebody who doesn't look like a hooker.

370. That would be very special, indeed.

371. Now, could you hand me the phone, Hank, please?

372. Yeah, I've known Sid for just close to 40 years now.

373. I kid you not.

374. Sid is a good man.

375. I did him once.

376. In 1956.

377. It was only the one time.

378. Now we're dear, dear friends.

379. Mmm.

380. You were amazing last night, Helen.

381. And I can honestly say that you are the nicest young man

382. that Sid ever introduced me to.

383. Gonna share that doobie, sweetheart?

384. Yes, Hank. Yes, Hank.

385. Yes, Hank. Of course, Hank. Yes, I understand.

386. Well, listen, just keep in touch with us so we know you're okay.

387. You bet, bubeleh. Ha! Bye-bye.

388. Is he okay?

389. Darlene, he's hit bottom

390. and broke through to another bottom

391. I know nothing about.

392. Got to roll.

393. Mr. Kingsley.

394. Mrs. Kingsley.

395. I'll just set this up here and be out of your way.

396. Hope you're enjoying your stay, sir.

397. Yeah, yeah.

398. Great show last night.

399. You were really funny, as always.

400. Hold on. What's your— what's your name?

401. Raoul.

402. Raoul. Raoul, I wasn't on the show last night.

403. I watched it. Are you sure you weren't on?

404. You got a second?

405. Come here, let me show you something.

406. Now don't be afraid. Just watch. Okay, watch.

407. Well, that— Mrs— Mrs. Segal and myself. And has she...

408. I'm not there.

409. Why is that, do you suppose?

410. Well, I— I'm here.

411. I— I've been here all week,

412. but, no, you watched the show,

413. and you don't even notice that I'm not there!

414. And that is the effect,

415. apparently, that I'm having

416. on the American fucking viewing public!

417. I have to go.

418. Yeah, you go.

419. You get out.

420. You come back in here,

421. I'll kill you, you little prick. Oh—

422. Raoul.

423. You little... prick.

424. Arthur!

425. Helen, is that you?

426. Ha ha ha! Arthur!

427. Ohh... (chuckles)

428. It's so good to see you again.

429. Hey, how's Stan and the kids?

430. Oh, well, John is married. Yeah, he works for IBM.

431. And beautiful Joanne?

432. Beautiful Joanne is in New York

433. doing God knows what.

434. But Stan, Stan had a bypass operation.

435. Oh. Yeah, so money's been a little tight.

436. That's why I'm back on my back.

437. Well, you call me. We'll talk.

438. I will. Listen, take care of the boy

439. 'cause he is a good boy.

440. I gotta run now.

441. It was so, so nice meeting you.

442. You're really sweet.

443. Bye!

444. You were with her?

445. Many years ago.

446. Artie, what— (sobs) am I doing here?

447. What did I do with my life? Who am I?

448. You're Hank Kingsley. You're the best goddamn

449. sidekick in the business,

450. and that includes the great Al Gore.

451. Don't you fucking forget that.

452. That's bullshit. It's just all bullshit. Oh, let's drink to bullshit.

453. I'm not a sidekick. This guy comes in here,

454. and he tells me he's been watching the show all week.

455. I haven't been on all week. What's the point?

456. What guy are you talking about?

457. I'm talk— talking about Raoul.

458. Raoul Julia was here?

459. Raoul the waiter.

460. Oh, man, you're going paranoid. Listen to the way you talk.

461. I can't go on. I want off.

462. I wanna end this!

463. Well, I thought I'd be hearing that.

464. Whoa, whoa, Jesus Christ, is that thing loaded?

465. Oh, you bet it's loaded.

466. This is a Beretta 9mm Centurion.

467. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you.

468. It'll be painless, quick.

469. Just put it to your head, pull the trigger.

470. That's all you have to do.

471. Listen, I'm gonna give housekeeping 20 bucks.

472. I mean, you won't feel a fucking thing,

473. but they're the ones that are gonna have to suffer.

474. They're gonna have to clean up this mess,

475. so just go on, hurry up!

476. Pick it up!

477. Put your hand on it!

478. Come on!

479. Don't drag this thing out!

480. Aw, sweetheart.

481. Hey, you don't wanna kill yourself.

482. If you did, you would've done it before now.

483. You know what you're gonna do now?

484. I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna do.

485. You're gonna come back to work, and I want— No!

486. You're gonna forget about this goddamn divorce.

487. 'Cause, listen, in a couple of years,

488. you'll be married again,

489. maybe to a strawberry blonde this time.

490. Within a year, you'll get divorced again,

491. and you'll wind up in this very hotel, maybe with Helen.

492. C'est la vie.

493. Hey, buddy.

494. You're a good man. You're a good man.

495. I don't deserve a— a friend like you.

496. Yes, you do.

497. But we're gonna clean you up, get your ass out of here.

498. You're getting a little gamey, sweetie.

499. That's a real gun, huh?

500. What do you think these fucking notches are?

501. Oh... give the gun, just for a second.

502. I just want to— I want to scare this little shit.

503. Hey, get that shower, Hank!

504. So everything's fine now? Everybody's happy—

505. Oh, absolutely. Right on track.

506. Happy, they don't— No one cares about me or my problems.

507. My fucking life is just a big piece of shit.

508. Well— Yeah, who am I?

509. What the hell have I done with my life?

510. I swear to god.

511. No one cares because I'm the boss.

512. The boss has no problems.

513. Sometimes, I swear to god,

514. I should— I should—

515. I— I feel like I should just end it all.

516. You can always blow your head off.

517. Safety's off.

518. Ready to go.

519. The divorce gun.

520. Gosh, this brings back memories.

521. How close did Hank come to shooting himself?

522. Oh, that fucking baby, he started crying

523. the second I pulled it out.