The Larry Sanders Show 3x14

1. I— I'm kidding.

2. It says "applause."

3. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

4. All right.

5. Now, remember, you're all—

6. you're all a big part of the show.

7. So the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

9. He's giving me this— this sign and it says,

10. "We're on in 10 seconds so get ready to have a good time."

11. All right, here we go.

12. This is exciting, isn't it?

13. In... five, four, three, two...

14. Live on tape from Hollywood,

15. "The Larry Sanders Show."

16. Tonight, join Larry and his guests John Ritter,

17. Debbie Allen, musical guest Bonnie Raitt and me,

18. "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley!

19. And now, because he's wearing a new pair of pants

20. he can't wait to show off,

21. Larry... Sanders!

22. Thank you.

23. Thank you, that is really very kind, very kind.

24. You're so much better than last night's crowd.

25. A new study shows that people in their 80s and 90s

26. can actually benefit enormously from lifting weights

27. three times a week.

28. This will come as very good news to my grandmother

29. who needs a spotter to pick up a spoon.

30. A bear— a bay— a bay area man...

31. Listen, when you live in the bay area,

32. it's not easy to say "bay area man."

33. has been charged with biting an exotic dancer

34. on her left buttock.

35. The intoxicated man later tried to convince police

36. he was one of those new, crazy, flesh-eating viruses.

37. A new NBC Wall Street Journal poll

38. says that most people believe Hillary Clinton

39. has too much power.

40. When asked to comment on this, a White House aide said,

41. "Please go away.

42. If she finds out I talked to you, she'll hurt me."

43. When Hillary Clinton was 27 years old,

44. she tried to join the Marines, and the recruiter

45. actually told her, "You know, you're too old,

46. you can't see, and you're a woman,"

47. which, by coincidence, is exactly the same excuse

48. Bill Clinton used to get out.

49. Okay, we'll be right back with John Ritter and others. We have a great show.

50. No flipping. We'll be right back.

51. I get a call from the network, they say,

52. "Here's our new schedule.

53. "One of the shows on our new schedule

54. "is a show called 'The Six of Us'"--

55. this is on my network.

56. It's about a father and his five wacky kids.

57. It's about a father and four kids—

58. it doesn't even add up to six, and yet it's called—

59. It's six of them. "The Six of Us."

60. They can't afford— they're too cheap to hire the sixth guy.

61. I said it adds up to five.

62. There was a silence on the phone,

63. they said, "Well, hopefully people watch

64. every week to wonder who the other one is."

65. Maybe the second season they'll pick up the other guy.

66. Idiots.

67. Hello, Artie here.

68. Yes.

69. Who?

70. Oh, yes.

71. No, I can't meet with you right now,

72. I'm right in the middle of the show.

73. Oh, you are, yeah.

74. Well, if it's a problem,

75. I'll meet you right here at my monitor, right on the floor,

76. 15 minutes after we're off-air.

77. What's your name again?

78. Oh, I'm looking forward to meeting you.

79. Yes, thank you.

80. I actually believe that you could replace

81. all of our network executives with chimps,

82. and other than the hygiene factor going up,

83. why, no one would know the difference.

84. Why do you always come through the curtain with such gusto?

85. We're home free— school's out, baby!

86. Good show?

87. Nothing to talk about, nothing to critique.

88. Great show, great guests tomorrow.

89. You go home, have a glass of wine, whack off.

90. I'll see you tomorrow.

91. That's the post-show critique? Yeah.

92. You're the best.

93. Hi.

94. Daniel Palmer, from the network?

95. No, I'm Dr. Donaldson, I give the vitamin B shots.

96. Dr. Don!

97. I didn't recognize you with my pants on.

98. Ha-ha!

99. Daniel Palmer?

100. Arthur.

101. Can I help you, son?

102. I'm Daniel Palmer.

103. Oh, really?

104. I was expecting something different.

105. Arthur...

106. the network feels it's treated Larry quite well,

107. and, uh, I guess that's why we're confused

108. about some of the remarks he made tonight.

109. What exactly is your function?

110. I'm Network Liaison for Late Night Programming.

111. I was expecting Melanie or Dennis.

112. No, no, this isn't a big enough issue

113. for either Melanie or Dennis to get involved.

114. I'm... simply here to express the network's concern.

115. Hank, what are you doing?

116. I— I can't find my keys.

117. Oh?

118. Here you are. Oh, thanks.

119. Uh, listen, I know you're in the middle of a pow-wow,

120. but I just got to tell you,

121. I'm a little steamed about what happened tonight.

122. Hank, I've warned you, if you stand up too fast,

123. you'll get hit in the head by the boom.

124. No, no, not that.

125. I was told that I was gonna be in that sketch with Larry

126. and, uh, John Ritter and—

127. Let's talk about it in the morning.

128. Hank, this is Daniel Palmer, from the network.

129. Hey, Danny.

130. Can I ask you a question?

131. Are you in any way connected to the upcoming

132. "Circus of the Stars" special that the network is doing?

133. No.

134. You're not. No.

135. That's very good.

136. All right, well, nice to meet you, Don.

137. You'll have to excuse Hank.

138. His heart's in the right place,

139. but he keeps his brain in a box at home.

140. Hello, gentlemen!

141. The sun is shining, the grass is green.

142. All's well in Hollywood.

143. Unless you're working with Shannen Doherty.

144. Delightful, Phil, delightful!

145. Uh, Hank told me you were talking to someone

146. from the network last night.

147. No problem at all. Mm-hmm?

148. Young boy came from the 14th floor,

149. we chatted about this and that.

150. I gave him some candy and a balloon

151. and sent him on his merry way.

152. He complained about the John Ritter segment, didn't he?

153. He certainly did not.

154. Was it about the John Ritter segment?

155. Yes, but it was mentioned only in passing.

156. Uh-huh. Does it have Tetris?

157. Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now.

158. Hey, come on. What?

159. Addictive, isn't it?

160. Yes, it is very addictive.

161. What did the guy say?

162. Come on.

163. He gave the speech, "We're all family,"

164. you know, the usual shit.

165. Such idiots, "We're a family."

166. You know, maybe we should do a joke about that tonight.

167. Will you run along, will you, Phil?

168. I have some booking matters to discuss.

169. You know, that's a good idea, Phil.

170. Let's do a desk piece or something, huh?

171. Or maybe we could say that you've

172. discovered the network family tree and you pull out this dead,

173. little bush or something.

174. Yeah, something funny.

175. We are back.

176. And, uh, hope you folks at home had a good time

177. during the commercial.

178. We, of course, used the time to exercise.

179. We have a great show. We have Marisa Tomei,

180. and, uh, Peter Falk will be out here later.

181. Detective Columbo.

182. That is correct.

183. Boy, do I love the circus.

184. Sorry?

185. No, I was just thinking

186. I-I-I-I used to love the ringmaster

187. and how he would call out in a loud, booming voice,

188. "Boys and girls, children of all ages."

189. I believe that's the same message

190. on Michael Jackson's answering machine.

191. All right, are you okay now?

192. Fine. Good, good.

193. Well, let's move on.

194. As some of you may know, last night, uh,

195. we made a few comments here on the show

196. about some of the, uh, things going on at the network,

197. and I upset a few of our network cohorts.

198. And in keeping with our open door policy

199. here on "The Larry Sanders Show,"

200. we have decided to ask a member

201. of our network family on tonight to discuss the problem.

202. So, please give a warm welcome to our Network Liaison

203. for Late Night Programming, Danny Palmer.

204. There you go.

205. Not always easy for the network to find the chair.

206. Thanks for being here.

207. Thanks for asking me.

208. And, uh, tell us what you did—

209. what you did, uh, before—

210. how long have you been with the network, actually?

211. Since '87. Since '87.

212. And what did you do before that?

213. Well, I was in nursery school.

214. And before that?

215. I was Vice President in charge of comedy development at NBC.

216. By any chance, uh, have you seen the new show,

217. "The Six of Us"?

218. Um, only the episodes I wrote.

219. Oh, so you write as well?

220. Hello, it's Artie.

221. Oh, yes, I know.

222. Yes, I know, we're in the middle of the show.

223. Can we discuss it later?

224. Because Marisa Tomei is coming up and she's so lovely.

225. Ha, yes, I know, mmm... yeah.

226. Okay.

227. Let's talk about it after the show.

228. All right, thank you. I'll call you.

229. So, what does the network's fall lineup look like?

230. Well, I only know what's on until 8:30

231. because that's my bedtime.

232. Right, anyone at the network stay up past 8:30?

233. Don't you find this a little, uh,

234. coincidental that today is the day

235. you decide to push our start time back to 11:35 every night?

236. We've been thinking about this for a long time.

237. Horseshit!

238. It gives us five more minutes to sell local advertising.

239. It's tit for tat, why don't you admit it?

240. No offense, Melanie.

241. That's a delightful hair bob,

242. is that what you call the style?

243. Arthur. Huh?

244. We're a family, and like a family we—

245. Don't give me the "family" crap.

246. Manson had a family.

247. All right, Arthur.

248. Arthur, the network isn't happy about last night.

249. Now, look—

250. This isn't coming from either Melanie or myself.

251. We love Larry, we are big fans of the show.

252. But the network would like an apology.

253. Fine, I'll write it up,

254. have it upstairs by the end of the day.

255. No, an apology from Larry.

256. Fine, I'll write it up,

257. have it upstairs by the end of the day.

258. On the air.

259. The network would like an on-air apology.

260. And they shall get it.

261. We're a family.

262. I see no reason why we can't accommodate

263. the network's wishes.

264. Thank you, Arthur.

265. Oh, I love you both.

266. Mwah! I'm a huge fan of your work.

267. Good morning, my boy.

268. Morning.

269. Hey, uh, what did they say?

270. What did who say?

271. What did the, uh, network say about last night?

272. Standard stuff— promos, ad revenues— highly technical.

273. What did they do, threaten to move us back to 11:35?

274. Ah, no, the network respects you too much

275. to play that kind of game.

276. I see, so they had nothing to say about last night?

277. Not a thing.

278. Not a thing.

279. Well, now that I think about it, uh,

280. there was something that was said in passing,

281. there's the remote possibility

282. the network might want an apology.

283. An apology.

284. Like I'm supposed to apologize to those bastards

285. after they made me go on national television

286. and say I had a drug problem?

287. Pricks!

288. Prick bastards! That too.

289. Hold it, hold it. Yeah.

290. Hold it.

291. Maybe we should apologize.

292. Might be the best thing to do.

293. Right.

294. We can make it really funny, maybe do it on the air,

295. bring that little kid back.

296. Oh, he's not available.

297. How do you know that?

298. Well, I think I heard him say he had homework tonight.

299. Jesus, Artie, why don't you just say it?

300. Say what?

301. Say that you're, uh, afraid of making waves at the network.

302. My dear sonny boy, I've been making waves

303. since the midwife tugged me out of my mother's underside.

304. We'll just go out there tonight and make a big apology.

305. We'll lay it at their feet,

306. and when they bend over to pick it up,

307. we'll kick 'em in the ass.

308. Good, good.

309. Then let's get the kid.

310. I'll have Paula check on it.

311. Unless you think he's doing his homework— is he?

312. Who the fuck do you think I am, Mr. Chips?

313. Okay, sorry. Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

314. Ta-ta.

315. Ta-ta, Mr. Chips.

316. Now, uh...

317. Those of you who have been watching the show every night

318. know that we've been kidding the network quite a lot lately.

319. In fact, it's turned into a rather bitter feud.

320. And I have decided to be the one

321. big enough to bury the hatchet.

322. So, let's go live to the 14th floor

323. where our goodwill ambassador is waiting to present

324. our peace offering to the network.

325. Uh, Hank, can you hear me?

326. Uh, yes, Larry, I'm standing in the waiting room,

327. or the lobby, if you prefer, of the network offices

328. where I hope momentarily to present this, uh,

329. lovely bouquet and this Lipton Cup of Soup

330. to a network representative.

331. All right, now, Hank, is that an assortment of Cup of Soup

332. or is that just one kind?

333. Uh, Larry, it's an assortment,

334. which, I think, clearly proves we've come in peace.

335. Of course.

336. All right. Well said.

337. So, we're gonna step right over here.

338. If only the Arabs and Israelis would give Cup of Soup.

339. right over here and say hello to this lovely young lady.

340. Hello. Hello.

341. I am Hank Kingsley, as if you didn't know, and um...

342. I've come to apologize to the network.

343. Who at the network?

344. Well, uh...

345. anyone at the network.

346. Right.

347. Well, unless you give me a name or an extension number—

348. No, I think I hear someone upstairs...

349. Blow by her. so...

350. They're in a meeting.

351. I understand, but I think

352. they wouldn't mind being interrupted...

353. Yeah, blow by her, Hank. by a presentation

354. of this lovely bouquet and this...

355. There you go. assortment of Cup of Soup.

356. Sir, you cannot go in there!

357. You wanna watch... All right.

358. the cable? Oh!

359. Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine.

360. Uh, you know... Hank, Hank?

361. I'm fine, I think I, uh...

362. Hank? Did his earpiece fall out?

363. I think I broke it.

364. Don't— please don't touch my ankle!

365. Please don't touch my ankle.

366. Hank, can you hear me?

367. Oh, Jesus.

368. Hank?

369. All right, let's cut, let's come back

370. because evidently his earpiece broke. Cut it.

371. All right, his earpiece has fallen out.

372. We'll, we'll apologize to the network another— another time.

373. Well, call me at home.

374. Hey, uh... Shit.

375. You okay?

376. Good, good, who was that on the phone?

377. My dentist.

378. I get a bad tooth, he goes to Maui.

379. Oh, I'm sorry. Listen, uh, can we get

380. some photo blow-ups of the network guys?

381. I have a really good idea for tomorrow night's show. I bet it's a cute idea.

382. Yeah, it is, it is, yeah.

383. But, you know, those photo blow-ups are very expensive.

384. Why don't you, uh, just say it, Artie?

385. What? That your dentist

386. who's going to Maui didn't like the sketch we did tonight.

387. They weren't upset, Larry. Uh-huh.

388. And if they were, I'll deal with it in a timely manner. Trust me.

389. I don't need a bunch of butt-licking,

390. pencil-pushing pissants pissing my day away

391. to get the hell upstairs before I introduce

392. the point of my boot to your collective asses! Get!

393. Paula, would you do me a favor?

394. Tell Beverly to tell Larry to meet me in my office

395. at 12:30 for lunch. You bet.

396. Oh, ice cream, hmm, chocolate.

397. Get off my ass, I'm hungry.

398. Easy, easy. Oh... Hank.

399. How's it going?

400. How's it going? How's it going?

401. Hope you're happy— thanks to you I lost it.

402. Oh, well, good looking prosthetic.

403. Not the foot— the "Circus of the Stars."

404. I was this close to being the ringmaster,

405. and then you forced me to do that idiotic sketch.

406. And the network casting people called my agent this morning

407. and said they're going with Gavin MacLeod.

408. Gavin MacLeod.

409. I heard he's found the Lord.

410. Oh, who hasn't?

411. If I was 10 years on that boat, I'd find the Lord too.

412. Gavin MacLeod—

413. Gavin MacLeod doesn't know one fucking ring from another.

414. No, no. Yeah, well, anyway, get this.

415. Then they call me and...

416. they ask me if I would be willing—

417. I would be willing to be shot out of a cannon

418. by Barbara Eden!

419. Jeannie? Jeannie!

420. I hope you turned them down.

421. Of course I plan to.

422. But just in case, are we on hiatus the week of the 23rd?

423. I don't know. No?

424. Listen, I have to have lunch with Artie right now.

425. I'm just on my way Oh, by all means.

426. By all means, go have your lunch

427. with big, important Artie!

428. Just take a look, Larry.

429. This is what happens when you screw around with a network—

430. innocent victims get caught in the crossfire.

431. Did they give you any painkillers?

432. Yes, but I checked with Beverly.

433. You already have the ones they gave me.

434. I am so tired.

435. Jesus!

436. Are we going out or is someone bringing lunch in?

437. I already had my...

438. lunch.

439. I had a ham and bourbon "sammich."

440. What are you doing?

441. Larry, God damn you, you've been

442. biting the hand that feeds ya,

443. and the hand is gonna come right up and smack you

444. right upside the head.

445. Is this the ham talking?

446. Oh, sit down, God damn it, sit down!

447. You listen to me.

448. You cut out this— you're gonna cut out this network shit,

449. and if they want to have an apology from you,

450. God damn it, just go ahead and do it!

451. I'm not making an apology.

452. All right.

453. That's fine.

454. But don't come whining to me when they start

455. making these budget cuts.

456. Oh, they're not gonna do that!

457. Over a few little jokes?

458. You think so, eh?

459. Yeah.

460. Yeah, well, gander at this one.

461. Kristoff will no longer be cutting your hair, sonny.

462. It will be Ernie,

463. the guy that does the guys in the news department.

464. Little guy with the palsy, right?

465. That's right.

466. I hope you like it short and uneven.

467. Well, I'm certainly not gonna apologize under some threat.

468. What are they gonna do, fire me? No.

469. Is that what they're gonna do? No.

470. I'm to go— they're gonna fire me, see,

471. they say that I can't handle you,

472. so they're gonna bring in their own man,

473. and he's gonna stand right next to that monitor,

474. glaring at you with his ear wired to the 14th floor.

475. Before we get any further into tonight's show,

476. I would like to say that...

477. We've been doing some joking about the network

478. the last couple of weeks, and that is my responsibility.

479. I take full responsibility for it,

480. and if I so overstepped my boundaries

481. and insulted the network in any way, I apologize.

482. And I would like to be a member of the network family again.

483. Yes, Melanie.

484. It was a magnificent apology, it was.

485. Wonderful.

486. Yes, I'll tell him what you said.

487. a joke and was our little way of apologizing at that time.

488. Yeah, well...

489. I mean, I was having a good time...

490. Right. and I thought the spirit

491. of the event was joking and was fun...

492. Right. until that, uh,

493. that lady pushed me down at the network.

494. No, that network lady was a nice lady,

495. and she tripped over a cord.

496. Well, that nice lady is gonna be tripping over

497. a little thing called a subpoena...

498. I got to...

499. Well, I tell you— 'Cause, you see, these people, if you don't my—

500. they just think they can push us all around...

501. I see. because, oh, they're the network.

502. The network people. Idiots.

503. Yes, Melanie.