The Larry Sanders Show 3x13

1. I— I'm kidding.

2. It says "applause."

3. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

4. All right.

5. Now, remember, you're all—

6. you're all a big part of the show.

7. So the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

9. He's giving me this— this sign and it says,

10. "We're on in 10 seconds, so get ready to have a good time."

11. All right, here we go.

12. This is exciting, isn't it?

13. In... five, four, three, two...

14. Live on tape from Hollywood,

15. "The Larry Sanders Show."

16. Tonight, join Larry and his guests Jason Patric,

17. Martin Landau, Mariah Carey, and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

18. And now, because you can't spell "hilarious" without "Lar,"

19. Larry Sanders!

20. Thank you very much.

21. Thank you.

22. We have a, uh...

23. All right.

24. Come on.

25. Hey, hey, hey.

26. Hey.

27. Hey, hey!

28. Let me say this to you.

29. I thought it was hot outside.

30. I just bought that line from Wayne Newton.

31. I got that and I got, "Screw the casino.

32. We're going all night."

33. And I got, "Okay."

34. Hank, how do you feel about that, uh, Haiti situation?

35. Haiti? Uh, where's that?

36. That is right next to the Dominican Republic.

37. Oh, right, right.

38. That's a— that's a great shop, yeah.

39. I...

40. I, uh, bought a, uh, safari jacket there.

41. Yeah, you—

42. I believe you're thinking of the Banana Republic.

43. Oh, right, that's right.

44. That is it. Right, yeah.

45. You know, if Hank was Secretary of Defense,

46. we'd be invading the Beverly Center right now.

47. Just a reminder, our seventh anniversary special

48. will be telecast tomorrow night, 11:35 p.m.

49. Seven years.

50. See you tomorrow and see you in just a minute.

51. We'll be right back.

52. We'll be right back, no flipping.

53. Can I— can I have your ear for just one second?

54. Yeah, sure.

55. Tonight—

56. Shit. Wardrobe?

57. Hold still, hold still, I got it.

58. Wardrobe? I got it, I got it.

59. Here we go. This is not gonna come out.

60. Yeah, here we go.

61. Well, it's quite a week for us, huh?

62. Not only the seventh anniversary show,

63. but my first anniversary with Margaret.

64. You're choking me.

65. Yeah, well, I know— I think we're both

66. a little more sentimental than we like to let on.

67. I meant the tie.

68. Yup.

69. A whole year, the big one.

70. You didn't think Margaret and I would last a year, did you?

71. Be honest. Not true, not true.

72. I remember what you said.

73. "Hank, it won't last a year."

74. Well, that sounds like me.

75. And to mark the occasion, I want to invite you

76. to have dinner with Margaret and myself

77. tonight to celebrate.

78. Oh, you know, that's something I would think

79. you'd wanna celebrate, you know, alone.

80. No, nonsense.

81. This is how I've always dreamt of it.

82. Hank, Larry, the wife.

83. Margaret was just telling me about this dog

84. that— what, it swims? Are you kidding me?

85. Uh, what is it?

86. I have no idea.

87. A golden retriever.

88. I mean, they swim. Unless you mean a Pekingese.

89. But they don't swim.

90. I think they just sink like a bowling ball, don't they?

91. Oh, come on! Uh, excuse me.

92. Apparently, we're having our nightly grease fire

93. in the kitchen.

94. Do you need— No.

95. I'm taking that Cajun shit right off the menu.

96. I'm sorry. Be right back.

97. No.

98. I do not know how much more of this I can take.

99. Well, we can talk about current events or sports or—

100. No, no, no, I mean Hank.

101. Hank and me and...

102. the whole situation.

103. Yeah.

104. Well... I understand.

105. Do you?

106. No. I don't.

107. You know what the problem is. Mm-hmm.

108. No... I don't.

109. Something's got to change.

110. And if it doesn't change, well, then I'm just gonna

111. have to make it change.

112. I'm sorry.

113. Fucking workmen's comp.

114. You know, it's like living in a police state.

115. Uh, don't let me interrupt you two chatter bugs.

116. Continue. Come on.

117. Mmm...

118. Please let's not show the chimp attacking my balls again.

119. I mean, come on.

120. The people love that.

121. No, you're projecting.

122. It's out, Phil.

123. Thank you. Yes, sir.

124. Let me go to the parrot clip.

125. The parrot, uh, attacking my balls.

126. Yes. Pass.

127. It's a great one.

128. The parrot clip is our Ed Ames tomahawk clip.

129. I believe the pie eating is our Ed Ames tomahawk clip.

130. Absolutely.

131. The pie-eating scene, it has no precursor

132. in talk show history.

133. You have the clip of, uh, Hank getting married on the show

134. with Margaret last— last year?

135. Let's take a look at that. No, no, no...

136. Come on, it's a great one. People wanna see that.

137. I think it's— it's probably a lot sweeter than you remember.

138. Let's take a look at it.

139. Hank on TV: Margaret...

140. I thought I knew...

141. Sorry.

142. I thought I knew sunshine,

143. but I...

144. I thought I...

145. "Margaret...

146. Larry on TV: I thought I knew sunshine,

147. Shit. but I knew only shade."

148. So join us for "The Larry Sanders Show:

149. Seventh Anniversary Special."

150. You never know what might happen...

151. but it'll probably involve my nuts.

152. Perfection incarnate.

153. Sorry I'm late.

154. Well, I just— all right, well, go to the next one—

155. You guys have a lot of "yuk-em-ups" in there, huh?

156. You have some good laughs?

157. Hey, you watch those clips 20, 30 times,

158. you get punchy, that's all.

159. Yeah, my marriage is one big joke to you, isn't it?

160. That is not the case. We just were—

161. Oh, come here, Hank.

162. Come on, sweetheart.

163. Listen, I know you're going through

164. a tough time now, you know.

165. Believe me, I've been there.

166. Well, I'm not there.

167. I don't need— I don't know where there is.

168. Of course not.

169. But you can't work through this thing yourself.

170. Here.

171. Come on, we don't need a therapist.

172. It's not a therapist, darling.

173. It's my divorce lawyer.

174. He's done a lot bulk work for me.

175. He'll give you a cut rate. He owes me.

176. All right, thank you.

177. Well, congratulations, you've poisoned Artie's mind, too.

178. Hey, hey. Well, I don't—

179. You're really a piece of work, aren't you?

180. You know, can I tell you a little something?

181. Yeah, I'd— I'd just like to do this, okay?

182. Margaret is really unhappy.

183. Are you aware of that at all?

184. All right, you ready? I see.

185. So you're just living in denial, is that it?

186. Let's just do the work. And that—

187. Larry, here.

188. Oh, Hank, Margaret's here to see you.

189. She's waiting in your office.

190. The fact that you had no idea that there was a problem

191. is the problem.

192. Now, um...

193. Oh, stop it.

194. All right, I admit.

195. I— we— there's a small problem.

196. I've already told you, a man's sexual peak is at— is 18.

197. You know, scientists have proven this.

198. But, hey, I think I hang in there pretty good

199. for a 38-year-old guy, you know?

200. Hank, that is not the problem.

201. I know it isn't!

202. And besides, you are 48.

203. Oh.

204. Okay.

205. Whoa.

206. I think we better just take a two-minute warning here.

207. What, what's a two-minute warning?

208. A two-minute warning is when either party

209. just separates for two minutes

210. before either one says or does something

211. that they're just gonna regret later, okay?

212. Two minutes.

213. Hmm, and which one of your bimbo ex-girlfriends taught you that?

214. Are you fucking my wife?

215. What?

216. Just answer the question.

217. You're fucking Margaret, aren't you?

218. No, I'm fucking Larry.

219. Maybe we need to take one of our two-minute warnings here.

220. How else would you know about our marital problems?

221. How else would you know?

222. She told me last night at dinner.

223. Oh.

224. Jesus!

225. You know, I am— I'm not a fool, you know that.

226. 'Cause things have not been great in that house

227. for— for months.

228. She's been distant.

229. Distant.

230. Cold.

231. Mm-hmm.

232. See, at first, I... I just chalked it up

233. to female problems.

234. Mm-hmm.

235. Is she having trouble with her— the, uh—

236. No. No, no, not that, no.

237. I mean, on the other hand, how would I know?

238. I haven't been down there in months.

239. She could've grown a dick over the summer.

240. I wouldn't have a clue. Uh-huh.

241. What am I gonna do?

242. I mean, honest to God, I don't even know what she—

243. what she's upset about.

244. Well, have you, uh, have you asked her?

245. Hmm? Have you asked her?

246. No. Well, you know, I would try to find out what's wrong

247. and, uh, see if there's anything you can do to make it better.

248. I hear that kind of thing works.

249. Okay. Okay?

250. You're right, you're absolutely right.

251. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna talk to her.

252. Good. Thank you.

253. Okay. Listen, uh, by any chance,

254. do you have any of those, uh, pills?

255. Because I— I just need a little—

256. I need a little something to take the edge off.

257. Well, you know what, I— I flushed those

258. all down the toilet, I feel awful.

259. Yeah. But, you know, those really fuck you up.

260. Yeah, I know, I— I hear that, you know. Sure.

261. Thanks for— thanks for the talk.

262. You got it.

263. I really, really apologize.

264. Hey... apology accepted.

265. Yes, yes, we're in show business

266. but I know in my heart of hearts you would never fuck my wife.

267. Not without your go-ahead.

268. Exactly.

269. The problem is between you and me and Larry.

270. Larry? Admit it,

271. your entire life revolves around Larry.

272. Your mood depends on what Larry said

273. or what Larry did.

274. I think this is that— that crazy therapist's—

275. No, if Larry was mean to you, then you're miserable.

276. But if Larry was nice,

277. then you're the happiest man on Earth.

278. Every single night you're up or down, up or down,

279. and I have nothing to do with it.

280. Mmm. I— I just gotta tell ya,

281. I think this is an unfair accusation.

282. Where's my script binder?

283. Remember when you forgot my birthday?

284. Have you ever forgotten Larry's birthday?

285. Well, now there's a— there's a reason for that,

286. because Larry's birthday is just easy to remember.

287. It's December 19th.

288. It just rolls right out, you know,

289. whereas your birthday—

290. Something has to change.

291. Where's my goddamn script binder?

292. I got it! I got it, I'm coming!

293. Hank, where are you going?

294. This is his binder!

295. You should've married Larry.

296. Oh, don't do this. Good-bye.

297. Don't do this.

298. Ah, there it is.

299. You know, if you're looking for a place to live

300. when she gets the house,

301. it's no problem, buddy.

302. Here's a brochure for the Oakwood Apartments.

303. It's fully furnished, uh, dishes in the kitchen,

304. uh, two pools, whole nine yards,

305. and the complex is just loaded with fellow divorce victims.

306. So whenever you get the urge to piss all over your ex,

307. everybody joins in.

308. You'll have a ball.

309. Here it is!

310. Hey, last chance.

311. For the car joke? No.

312. Come on. Uh-uh.

313. Come on, it's an anniversary show.

314. You gotta open with a really strong joke

315. that people are gonna talk about.

316. How does it go again?

317. Okay, um, the new '95 cars out.

318. Lots of interesting features.

319. For instance, in the new Ford Bronco comes equipped—

320. No, no. Standard.

321. No.

322. The wedding clip is still in, right?

323. It's still in,

324. but there's still time if you wanna take it out.

325. No, I think they should, uh, see it.

326. Maybe it'll help them somehow.

327. Leave it in. In it is.

328. Good.

329. She's a female, all right.

330. She's a female.

331. Now, she would normally go...

332. Hank, from the moment I met you,

333. I knew you were the one.

334. Never before had a man communicated so much to me

335. with so few words the way you did.

336. In you, I have found my soul mate.

337. I love you.

338. Aww...

339. Hank?

340. I know pronounce you man and wife.

341. You may kiss the bride.

342. Lots of fun. Lots of fun, lots of clips.

343. A lot of good memories and, uh, maybe we should—

344. Really takes you back.

345. Yeah, it does. I mean, the, uh...

346. Anniversaries.

347. Emotional times.

348. Okay, we'll take a break.

349. We'll be right back

350. with more of the "Seventh Anniversary Special."

351. No flipping.

352. No flipping.

353. Hey, buddy.

354. Buck up, don't let her see you like this.

355. Oh, she doesn't even watch the show anymore.

356. Fucking bitch.

357. Artie, maybe she is watching.

358. Please.

359. And if she does, maybe you should tell her

360. how you really feel, it'll patch things up.

361. God, you guys...

362. you really care, don't you?

363. Five seconds.

364. Four, three, two...

365. We're back, here we go.

366. Good, we have a lot of clips.

367. We're back with more of the "Seventh Anniversary Show."

368. Hank, before we go on,

369. is there anything you'd like to say?

370. Uh... love. Yeah.

371. That— that's— that's what it's all about

372. when all is said and done.

373. Just love. Mm-hmm.

374. That's all I have to say.

375. Well, I— one— one more thing.

376. There's a person who's come into my life

377. who's really changed me

378. and, uh, that person has taught me about compassion

379. and that person has taught me about caring.

380. And that person...

381. is Mr. Larry Sanders.

382. Give him a big hand.

383. Well, thank you.

384. Thank you.

385. Well, how about your, uh, wife?

386. Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.

387. Hank seems in good spirits.

388. Who's he dancing with?

389. Himself! Oh.

390. Everyone's a little loose tonight.

391. I mixed the punch meself.

392. Oh, come on, you guys.

393. Come on, get up. Shake it a little.

394. Somebody get a cage!

395. We got a party animal loose here!

396. You know, buddy...

397. I'm sorry you and the missus are kaput.

398. But you'll live through it like I did.

399. Bitter.

400. You're pissed.

401. Angry.

402. But alive, goddamn it.

403. Alive! Whoo!

404. Shit, that punch is strong.

405. Got good people working here.

406. You're not an original member of The O'Jays,

407. are you by any chance?

408. I got to admit, you're taking this really well.

409. Well, you know, Larry,

410. there's a deep place inside us all.

411. A very deep place.

412. The trick is, got to know how to get there.

413. And that place is?

414. Your desk, top right-hand drawer.

415. Yellow pills.

416. Take a few of those, a shot of bourbon...

417. you'll go immediately to this place.