The Larry Sanders Show 3x1

1. Larry on TV: We're back with Robin Williams who is—

2. in case you're confused—

3. the man to my immediate right.

4. Robin on TV: Thank you.

5. Now, tell us more about your...

6. Baby? your baby.

7. He's wonderful. I mean, he's hung like a field mouse.

8. He's—

9. I mean you pop the diaper and ping!

10. It's like a little sundial.

11. Look! It's amazing.

12. It's like you're going... "Oh, yes."

13. Honey, what time is it? Get the baby. Get the baby.

14. Look. Three o'clock. Yeah. Yeah.

15. Oh, its 2:30 now. It's real cold.

16. But it's a incredible thing.

17. It's— having a child like that,

18. it is amazing the effect.

19. The baby caca though, you know—

20. you know that it is like kryptonite for—

21. In the— in the— For the father. Yeah.

22. Even the dog looks at me like, "You don't put his face in it."

23. You know?

24. "I think it would stop him right away."

25. It's almost like— I know that he's growing old, because he is—

26. he's like— he's eight months he has his own will credit card

27. called Fetal Express.

28. Dialing up one of those 976-suckle, you know.

29. I'm waiting for you.

30. I'm lactating. Call me.

31. I think I like the kryptonite suit.

32. That's actually what it seems like.

33. It does. It does look like— I like that suit.

34. God bless you. What is it, a Jap— is it Japanese you said?

35. It is, and what is this? This is Sears, right?

36. Yes, so they're both Japanese, okay.

37. Artie.

38. Hey, you look familiar.

39. It's me.

40. You goddamn mountain man. Look at you, you look great.

41. Hey, buddy, how's it going?

42. It's going great. What you been doing, kid?

43. I gotta tell you, Artie, I've been having a great time.

44. This is just the best thing

45. I've ever done, moving to Montana.

46. Hey, take your jacket off, let me get you something to drink.

47. You got any Vodka?

48. Snapple's all I got.

49. I brought me own.

50. Salty dog?

51. You read my mind.

52. Yeah, okay, okay.

53. God, it's great you're here.

54. Yeah, you been catching any fish?

55. Oh yeah, get my limit most days.

56. Yeah. Been having a good time in the woods?

57. Oh yeah, great.

58. Those photos you sent me of this place don't do it justice.

59. Looks a lot better than that.

60. Yeah, thanks. I've been, uh, you know fixing the place up.

61. You hear that? That's my whip-poor-will, Artie.

62. It's not a whip-poor-will.

63. Oh yeah. Yeah, it is. That's a whip-poor-will, all right,

64. and you know what he does?

65. He lets me, uh, just walk right up to him,

66. eats bread crumbs right out of my hand.

67. Oh, Larry, it's a magpie. They're scavengers, you know.

68. They feed on roadkills, dead meat.

69. You know they carry rabies and Lyme disease.

70. You better not take a nap out on your porch, they'll peck your eyes out.

71. Still, every day.

72. Mmm! That's a stout drink, eh.

73. Mmm.

74. I saw those tapes.

75. Which tapes?

76. The complete years of the "Larry Sanders Show."

77. The ones in the closet?

78. Yeah.

79. Never been so miserable in my life, Artie, I swear to God.

80. Something's gotta give cause I'm gonna end up killing myself,

81. and I know someone who can help me right up here.

82. There's a guy across— Ah, c'mon, Larry,

83. I knew you wouldn't be happy here.

84. You're a talk show animal.

85. You're like one of those goddamn creatures out of Greek mythology—

86. half man, half desk.

87. Get of the porch, asshole!

88. Artie, isn't there something we can do to get my show back?

89. Anything? Any possible way?

90. Can we just say maybe that I suffered

91. a temporary lapse of sanity or that— mental exhaustion?

92. Or we could say you had a drug problem,

93. you had to hide out in Montana till you dried out.

94. I tell you, that's the only surefire way I know of avoiding embarrassment.

95. That's pathetic and we should save that one

96. for when I really have a drug problem, don't you think?

97. Quite right. Well, try this one on for size.

98. What is this? The network is suing you for breach of contract.

99. Fuckers. No, look at this. This is splendid.

100. We can make it look like the network had

101. to drag you back kicking and screaming.

102. Say that I, uh, don't wanna come back

103. but have to because of this legal obligation.

104. Exactly. You'll get your show back and your dignity.

105. I love these fuckers.

106. Yeah, I'll drink to that.

107. Now, Larry, if I hurry, I can catch the last plane out of Bozeman.

108. I'll be in LA in the morning, and I'll fix a deal

109. with Germain and those network co-whores.

110. Well, wait, I'll— I'll go pack up,

111. and then we'll— I'll go with you.

112. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah.

113. You've got to stay here.

114. If you show up in LA, you'll look desperate.

115. Well, I don't wanna look desperate.

116. Why are you here?

117. What did you do, take the first flight after mine?

118. No. I took your flight.

119. Yeah? Yeah.

120. I didn't want you to see me, so I flew coach.

121. I don't know how people do it.

122. They don't give you those little... towels, little wet towels.

123. I had to wipe my face with a pack of Sweet'n Low.

124. What did you think of that book I gave you?

125. Did you finish it? Oh yeah, I read it on the plane.

126. Man, I can't believe Leno actually hid in the closet

127. so he could hear the whole network meeting.

128. It's a sickness to be so obsessed

129. with what people are saying about you.

130. I know that is a sickness. What do people say about me

131. not being mentioned much in the book?

132. Everybody in town's talking about it.

133. Good.

134. Hey, you wanna see Hank?

135. Exactly 8:25.

136. Hank on TV: Tonight— for some very lucky winner,

137. tonight's Super Spin Jackpot is up to $3 million,

138. which means a lot of pesos for some very lucky winner.

139. And by pesos, I don't mean to imply that someone

140. of Hispanic descent is likely to win... again.

141. Okay, here we go.

142. The first number is... say now, seven.

143. "Say now"? "Say now."

144. Yeah, well, he can't say "hey now."

145. That's the intellectual property of "The Larry Sanders Show."

146. You're kidding? What about "No flipping"?

147. Public domain, sorry.

148. Larry, listen to me, it's very important

149. that you keep a low profile while I negotiate.

150. Yeah, I'm just gonna start assembling the staff tomorrow.

151. What did I just say?

152. Low profile. Fine.

153. How long have you been smoking?

154. Since the night you left.

155. You rally pulled the—

156. pulled the rug out from underneath me, Larry boy.

157. Okay. Can I crack the window?

158. No, the...

159. goddamn thing doesn't work. I'm taking it in tomorrow.

160. You had it on passenger window lock.

161. Is this what you call "low profile"?

162. Two grown men sitting in a car full of smoke?

163. Looks like a goddamn Cheech and Chong movie.

164. Okay, all right. Speed it up, will ya?

165. Yeah.

166. By the way that's not a bad booking idea, Artie, Cheech and Chong.

167. You know, well, he's the one that took it the hardest.

168. Really? Really? Oh yeah. Yeah.

169. I mean, the show is all he had, Larry.

170. At least, thank god, I have a skill.

171. That's why the lottery people—

172. see, they just snapped me— they snapped me up like that.

173. Yeah. They're lucky to have you,

174. really lucky to have you. Thank you.

175. But I'd like you to think about coming back and doing the show.

176. C'mon, huh? No, no, you know what the—

177. the lottery people, you know they give me, Larry?

178. Free scratcher tickets?

179. They give me respect.

180. Well, just think about it, okay?

181. No I don't think so. I don't know, I don't know.

182. I just gotta go for a long drive.

183. All right.

184. I just don't like standing up here in the dark like this. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

185. I know, but I'm trying to keep this very low profile, Darlene.

186. I just wanna know if you would like to come

187. and work on the show when we start up again.

188. Working for Hank was the most meaningful experience of my life.

189. That's nice. I don't know if he's coming back.

190. But you'll have some sort of sidekick right?

191. Yeah. See you Monday.

192. Okay.

193. I know that in the past

194. I've been difficult to work for. Mm-hmm.

195. Insensitive. Mm-hmm.

196. Disorganized. Mm-hmm.

197. I know you don't feel that way,

198. but I would like you to come back

199. and be my assistant...

200. But— when we start the show up again.

201. Excuse me. Mr. Sanders, are you gonna be having

202. any more secret meetings today or can I lock up the stage now?

203. Just, one more moment, Don. Okay.

204. What I— I'm trying to say is I don't want to do this show without you.

205. But you never fired me.

206. I didn't?

207. No, your business manager gives me a paycheck every week.

208. So if I didn't fire you, I don't have to be having this talk.

209. Right. See you Monday.

210. Well, I should tell you that the— Shh.

211. I should tell you that Conan O'Brien

212. has offered me a job as... associate producer,

213. and I'd be very involved in the creative direction

214. of the show. Are you listening to me? Yeah. Yeah.

215. Yeah, you look different. Have you shaved or something?

216. I colored my hair.

217. I can understand why you'd want to take

218. the Conan O'Brien job over this one.

219. It's a good sh— how long you think that's gonna stay on the air?

220. I'll see you Monday.

221. So what you been up to for the last three months, Phil?

222. Uh, jerking off. See you Monday.

223. All right. Don't speak, just listen.

224. Now, we've been together a good, long time, right?

225. And I've always been there for you in the past,

226. and I would like to be there for you in the future.

227. I just need one thing.

228. I need to know that no matter what happens...

229. you will never abandon me like that again.

230. I need to hear you promise me that.

231. Okay. That's good enough for me.

232. I am back.

233. I'll see you Tuesday.

234. Monday.

235. Even better. Oh god, it's good to know

236. I'll never have to pull

237. another set of balls like that again. Okay.

238. Good, good. Yeah.

239. Okay. C'mon.

240. I mean it. I mean it, no.

241. I want it. No. I mean it.

242. You know what I want. I mean it.

243. I can't believe you hired the entire staff back, Larry.

244. I know, I did good, huh?

245. No, this would have been the perfect time to get rid of some deadwood in the office.

246. Oh, c'mon, Phil does a good job.

247. I don't mean Phil.

248. Oh, you mean Paula?

249. I'm not saying, but some of these people are useless.

250. They should be cut out of here like cancer.

251. Hello, children.

252. Look at you, all back were you belong.

253. Oh, it does my heart good. The whole family, mwah, is here.

254. All right. What, are you gonna start singing?

255. I shall be a bit surprised.

256. Ah, Larry, everyone loves the flowers you gave them.

257. Great! Oh well, please accept them in the spirit

258. with which they were given.

259. Good job. Okay, before you go in, I—

260. Gentlemen, good afternoon.

261. Mr. Germain, what an honor.

262. I was just coming up to see you, sir.

263. Larry, what are you doing here?

264. Uh, Beverly, hold my calls.

265. That's what I was coming up talk to you about.

266. We're going to put the show back on the air.

267. Yeah, we don't want to spend the next five years fighting this out on court TV do we?

268. Gentlemen, you've taken me by surprise.

269. I must say that I'm not prepared to put the show back on.

270. Oh, it won't take much preparation.

271. We've already got the staff back.

272. How can I clarify this?

273. I don't want to put the show back on.

274. But you're suing me?

275. I'm only suing you to save face for the network.

276. I'm happy to drop the suit.

277. Oh, let's not be hasty now.

278. We're not asking you to drop the lawsuit.

279. Larry is very sorry, Richard,

280. that he left you with a big gaping hole at 11:30.

281. Hole at 11:30?

282. I have no hole. Larry walked, I put on back-to-back "Cheers" re-runs

283. in the spot, and they're doing rather well.

284. Better than Leno, as a matter of fact.

285. All right, this is bullshit.

286. You know what? This reminds me why I hate the fuckin' business.

287. If you say you're gonna sue somebody, least you can do is

288. follow through and sue them. I'm going back to Montana.

289. If anybody needs me, fuck it.

290. Ditto.

291. Larry, are you really going back to Montana?

292. Yes I am. I'm going to LAX and getting the first flight out of here.

293. You people can start packing up your desks.

294. I'm tired of this childish behavior.

295. Let's have a talk in my office, Richard. What do you say?

296. Take a seat. Use my chair.

297. Well?

298. Richard...

299. what I'm about to tell you can't leave this room.

300. Oh please, don't tell me you and Larry are lovers.

301. Of course not. Now listen, nobody knows about—

302. what can make you think we're lovers?

303. Something about the dynamic. You were saying?

304. The reason Larry had to leave the way he did was—

305. well, due to the pressures of the show,

306. Larry had developed a chemical dependency.

307. A drug problem? Pain killers at first

308. and then at times anti-anxiety medication,

309. and then later of course anything at all

310. that came in a tablet or capsule form.

311. Well, that explains a lot the mood swings,

312. the attention disorder, the astonishing weight gain.

313. And we decided that for the good of your network's name

314. that Larry should skedaddle up to Montana

315. and kick this thing quietly.

316. Is he clean?

317. He's as clean as Louie Anderson's dinner plate.

318. Hello? Oh, just a mo—

319. Ricardo— will you excuse me?

320. I have to take this.

321. I didn't hear it ring.

322. Oh, it didn't. It's a new system.

323. You see, it's a little flashing light here you can't see from where your standing.

324. Oh, just a moment. It'll take me a minute.

325. Yeah, I need to have a whiz anyway. Where's the gents?

326. Uh, right out the door,

327. first crapper on the left.

328. Enjoy.

329. What the hell are you doing here?

330. That's exactly why I said you should stay in Montana.

331. Didn't you tell me you didn't want to embarrass yourself?

332. What did he mean by astonishing weight gain?

333. Never mind that. What about the gay lovers thing?

334. What about the fact you said that I have drug problem?

335. Oh, trust me. What is that about?

336. That was a last resort. Last resort.

337. You could have come up with something less pathetic. Just calm down.

338. No, I'm not gonna calm down. Take one of these it will make you feel better.

339. Thank you.

340. Here you go. All right, all right.

341. Go, go, go. Here, you keep this.

342. No, you take that.

343. I didn't know we got a new phone system.

344. Vámonos, ándale, pronto.

345. Arthur?

346. Yes?

347. Was that Larry? Where?

348. Arthur.

349. I've had a moment to think.

350. I'm willing to give you your show back.

351. Oh. But Larry must do something for the network...

352. Of course. to save us all from great embarrassment.

353. Half water, half coffee? Yes.

354. Larry, Larry, Hi. Oh, Bernadette.

355. Hi, so good to see you.

356. Thanks so much for being the first guest tonight.

357. I'm thrilled. I'm honored that you'd ask me to do the show.

358. I love the show. Oh, good.

359. Listen, did Artie talk to you about maybe singing

360. a "Hello Larry" kinda song to me?

361. Yeah, yeah.

362. Oh good, good, that'll be great.

363. But you know, I, um— I feel really bad because I—

364. I don't want to do it.

365. Well, that's fine, I don't want you to do anything you don't wanna do.

366. If you don't want to sing the "Welcome back, Larry."

367. It is my first night back and all, but that would be okay.

368. Yeah, I know, but you know what? To me...

369. it's like when, you know, Bette Midler sang goodbye

370. to Johnny on his last show, I know this is—

371. I hope you'll think— this isn't your first show—

372. Well, fine, you don't want to sing. That's all that matters.

373. But I have something special planned for you.

374. Well, should I tell the band?

375. Because they'll need to know the key.

376. No, I'm not going to sing, but— please, I feel really bad though.

377. No, no, don't even think about it. I'll see you out there.

378. But you'll like it if I do. How's your mother?

379. Good.

380. He hasn't changed.

381. All right, here we go.

382. Sorry. Are you trying to find your moment?

383. Yeah.

384. Would it be all right if I join you?

385. Fine.

386. Live on tape.

387. Hmm, live, live—

388. Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank.

389. Don't worry about a thing. I'll get it back.

390. Yeah, good. Live on tape.

391. Are you excited? The house is packed.

392. You know, it doesn't matter, because I'm not going out there.

393. Then you won't get your show back.

394. Yeah, well fine,

395. Nice job of negotiating by the way.

396. Don't like it, go back to that cabin

397. and do a show on public-access.

398. As I recall you said something about—

399. you could pull this off without me suffering any humiliation.

400. That's right I did. Yeah.

401. You won't be humiliated. Yes, I will.

402. Trust me. No, I'm not going out there.

403. You haven't got a choice.

404. I'm not going out there, I am not going out there.

405. Thank you.

406. All right, okay.

407. Down you go, down you go, down you go.

408. Boy, why couldn't you guys have—

409. I should have— all right, that's enough.

410. I know what you're thinking,

411. I should've taken you to Montana with me.

412. I understand that.

413. We could've all fit in the boat.

414. Well, it's been a long time. I'm— it's great to be back.

415. Before I get any further into tonight's show,

416. I do have little announcement

417. I'd like to make on a serious note.

418. I left three months ago on such short notice

419. because, uh, I had

420. an addiction to painkillers.

421. I had a feeling he was abusing his body in some way.

422. Hi, is Conan there?

423. I would like to thank

424. Mr. Richard Germain of the network.

425. Are you happy now? Oh yes,

426. and he'll mention it again at the end of the show? He will.

427. And he'll emcee the affiliates dinner in Kansas City?

428. With great pleasure.

429. And giving me the chance to go to Montana

430. and a second chance now that I've...

431. beaten the situation with drugs.

432. Okay.

433. So, on with the, uh, current news.

434. Hilary Clinton got that new haircut.

435. Yeah, she got that because that's how they're wearing it in prison.

436. I, uh...

437. I really don't care...

438. what they did before they were President.

439. Las Vegas is really changing. In the three months that I've been gone—

440. my god, I cannot believe it.

441. They're now starting to appeal, in Las Vegas, to families,

442. which has just changed the entire town.

443. I actually saw a hooker dressed in a Barney outfit.

444. It was unbelievable.

445. Now when Barney sings, "You love me, I love you,"

446. it costs you 250 bucks.

447. All right, we have a great show,

448. let's move on. We have Bernadette Peters.

449. We have many, many other surprises. It's great to be back.

450. No flipping, we'll be right back.

451. I'm sorry I had to put you through it.

452. I just can't believe it.

453. I mean, these people actually love me more than they did

454. before I had a drug problem. I've never seen anything like it.

455. Did you hear 'em? Jeez, I can't believe that.

456. Did you hear that crowd? I was just telling him.

457. All right, now listen, I got a great idea for sweeps week.

458. Now, listen to this, Larry comes out,

459. he tells the people that he was molested as a child.

460. All right? Of course, we have people call your parents,

461. and we tell them we're just making it up.

462. No, no, no.

463. You're kidding, right?

464. Think about it. I'm telling you, think about it.

465. Still glad you came back from Montana?

466. I think if I learned one thing, Artie, it's that happiness

467. comes from in here.

468. Is that your way saying you'd like another pill?

469. Yes, it is.

470. Thank you. Appreciate it.

471. It's your night, kiddo.

472. Enough about me. This is your first night back,

473. this is your first show back. Yes it is.

474. And I just— this is about you

475. and I've prepared a little something for you.

476. Oh. Will you need our band for this,

477. because they'd be happy to— No.

478. Not even for background?

479. No. Would you like to—

480. well, you're going to clearly sing something, aren't you?

481. No, I'm not. I'm not singing.

482. But it's a surprise. I've— it's a poem.

483. I'm touched. Well, you know, I'm not a serious poet,

484. so I mean, don't be too critical, but just know

485. that the sentiment behind it is all true.

486. "He was always there for me,

487. "the friend I could depend upon, but then one night

488. "I look for him and found that he was gone.

489. "I wondered how I'd get along,

490. "I wondered how I'd face the night,

491. "and then, as quickly as he'd gone,

492. "my friend returned, and all was right.

493. "So now I'll watch him once again, my worry gone,

494. "my life on track, and every night I say a prayer

495. 'Thank the Lord Hank Kingsley's back.'"