The Larry Sanders Show 2x8

1. Good morning.

2. It's really coming down there, huh?

3. Only two seasons in this city, rainy and riot.

4. Is Larry in yet? Uh-huh.

5. Do you want some of this? Uh-uh.

6. Supposed to have that Ted Danson interview done yesterday.

7. Oh, Paula.

8. Paula, Ted Danson's people called.

9. He's not gonna be able to make it tonight.

10. A little rain and this whole town shuts down.

11. Well, they said he has the flu. Shit.

12. "Larry Sanders Show."

13. Oh, hi. Hold on for a moment.

14. It's Artie on line two, Paula.

15. Hello?

16. Paula, listen very carefully.

17. I'm gonna be a little late today because the roads are blocked,

18. including the Coast Highway.

19. Mudslides?

20. Uh, yes.

21. There's a goddamn house that's sitting right here

22. in the middle of the road.

23. Don't ever move to Malibu. It's a fucking hellhole.

24. That's why I live in the valley.

25. Yeah, well, I'll get in eventually,

26. even if I have to shove that goddamn house

27. into the ocean myself.

28. Are you still with me? I'm here.

29. I'd like for you to fill in for me, you know, till I get there.

30. Can you handle it? Yeah, I can handle it.

31. And don't tell Larry that I'm there,

32. because you know how he gets when I'm not around.

33. Okay, um, I'll tell him that—

34. I don't want to lie to Larry. I understand.

35. Tell him, uh, I'm in editing.

36. Okay.

37. Uh, is there anything I should know about yet?

38. Yeah, Danson canceled his lead.

39. Shit.

40. Paula, go to my Rolodex.

41. You'll see the names with the red sticky notes on them.

42. Start checking those out for availability.

43. Also, uh, listen, Paula.

44. The network would like Larry to give a plug

45. for their new Saturday night rock-and-roll video fuck fest, whatever it is.

46. If you catch him in the right mood, maybe he'll do it.

47. Got it.

48. And Bruno Kirby will be on tomorrow,

49. but don't tell Darlene

50. or she won't be able to function all day.

51. Didn't they break up like two years ago?

52. Trust me, two years is two days Darlene time.

53. Uh, Paula? Um, have you seen Artie?

54. Um, he was here just a second ago.

55. Oh.

56. Is that him on the phone?

57. It's my mom.

58. You know what? He went down to editing.

59. Have you, um—

60. did you, by any chance, hear Artie say anything

61. about a couch?

62. Something about your couch?

63. Yeah, said it was...

64. Spot cleaned.

65. Um, you know what? Yesterday—

66. yesterday, he said something about spot cleaning.

67. He did. Yes.

68. Great. Okay, good.

69. That's a good idea. Thanks.

70. Tell your mom I said hi. Sure.

71. I think you'll do all right, Paula.

72. Don't worry about anything, I got it all under control.

73. I'm not gonna let you down. Bye.

74. Okay, okay, listen up. Here's the deal.

75. Because of inclement weather, Arthur cannot be here today,

76. absent, detained, not-oh here-oh.

77. Fuck!

78. All right, all right, now, come on, no need to panic,

79. we're gonna be fine.

80. Now, Teddy Danson fell out, so—

81. Ted Danson fell out? Yes.

82. Oh, my God. Hey.

83. Oh, my God. Hey.

84. Oh, my God!

85. Hey, stow that shit, sailor.

86. Paula.

87. Great, listen, can you get Ray Combs on the blower?

88. You know, Danson fell out.

89. I already took care of that.

90. Didn't you hear?

91. Paula's producing the show today.

92. That's the spirit.

93. Gallows humor.

94. It's not a joke.

95. You're producing.

96. Yes.

97. You're in your 20s.

98. Arthur called her and asked her to fill in till he showed up.

99. What are you?

100. You're— you're 28. 26.

101. Thanks for your support.

102. Listen, you guys, I really gotta have

103. that mid-show comedy piece before lunch.

104. You realize we don't have a lunch till 5:30.

105. Before brunch.

106. Brunch it is. Thank you.

107. What you got there, Hank?

108. Hmm?

109. Oh, uh, well, uh,

110. well, in case, you know, we don't get the lead guest,

111. you know, I might have to stretch out there tonight,

112. so I was just dusting off the old sleight of hand

113. from my cruise ship days and, uh, here.

114. Larry hates your magic tricks.

115. Oh, I know, this isn't a magic trick. This is an illusion.

116. The card.

117. And you put it back, and...

118. What crawled up his ass and died?

119. And I go like this.

120. And you go like this.

121. Like that.

122. Cut.

123. And shuffle.

124. Uh, lots of rain we're having, eh?

125. And shuffle.

126. And is this your card?

127. No, Hank, it's not.

128. I know.

129. Because...

130. take off my shoe and look inside.

131. No way.

132. No way!

133. Did you see that?

134. That's my card.

135. That's amazing. How'd you do that?

136. Magic.

137. Huh?

138. Fuck!

139. Great news about Paula, isn't it?

140. Mmm.

141. Paula!

142. Girl, it's your boyfriend on line five.

143. Oh, shit, I forgot about him.

144. Robert, hi, I'm sorry, honey,

145. are you at the restaurant right now?

146. Shit.

147. I know, I know, I know, I know we need to talk,

148. work is so crazy today.

149. Listen, are you at a pay phone?

150. Yeah, I know your time is valuable, I know that, okay?

151. Are you at a pay phone?

152. Give me your number and I promise I'll call you back

153. in five minutes.

154. All right, yeah, I'm really sorry and I will call you.

155. I love you. Good-bye.

156. Sid is out sick today.

157. Sid? Yes.

158. Is Bruno really on the show tomorrow?

159. Yeah, I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you about it.

160. You know, I haven't seen him since we broke up.

161. I know, okay, all right. And I don't want to see him.

162. We'll talk about this later. The whole thing was so awful.

163. Your air conditioner has died.

164. Oh, really?

165. Yes.

166. Condensing unit needs a new compressor.

167. Fine, whatever. What do I got to sign?

168. Artie's gonna have to sign the invoice.

169. I'll just sign it for him.

170. You can't do that.

171. I'll just go and get Artie's signature.

172. No, no-no-no-no-no. I'll find him, it's fine.

173. Just...

174. Boy, it's hot in here.

175. Don't go anywhere, don't move.

176. Do we have a lead guest yet?

177. Artie's working on it right now.

178. All right.

179. Isn't my chair supposed to be a little higher?

180. Huh? I mean, I don't think it—

181. would you check with Artie, make sure that this is adjusted

182. at the height that I normally sit.

183. You got it.

184. Where is Artie, by the way?

185. He's on the phone booking a lead guest.

186. Well, I don't want to have to wait till the last minute

187. to look at the notes.

188. Do we have any idea who the guest is?

189. Yeah, I believe he's speaking with Elayne Boosler.

190. For lead? I don't know.

191. Well, that's just one option.

192. There's many, many others.

193. Like who?

194. Uh, Jody Watley.

195. Funny.

196. She's a singer.

197. I know.

198. Uh, Marla Maples.

199. Let's try and find someone that Donald Trump hasn't screwed.

200. Coffee.

201. Thank you.

202. I hope it's as hot as it is in here.

203. It is hot in here.

204. Everyone keeps saying that, it's fine.

205. It's really hot. Paula, it's hot.

206. Look at you, you're sweating. I am not.

207. Artie, Artie, Artie!

208. When are you coming in here?

209. I don't think I'm going to make it by showtime, kiddo.

210. Can you handle it?

211. This is your big chance, Paula.

212. You're going to produce the show while it's on the air.

213. Isn't this what you wanted?

214. Right.

215. Good.

216. Now, remember,

217. you stand by Larry while he's going over his cue cards.

218. Make sure he's got his hand makeup, both hands.

219. Don't let the weird intern bother the guests.

220. And sweetie, before the show, have a glass of wine.

221. I'm not much of a drinker.

222. You don't have to drink it, Paula.

223. You just walk right out in front of the audience with it.

224. They see you're relaxed, it relaxes them.

225. The way I look right now, it's not gonna relax anyone

226. to see me with alcohol.

227. Paula?

228. Paula?

229. Yes.

230. We don't have a lead guest yet, do we?

231. Now what's gonna happen is Hank is gonna try

232. and jam in one of those stupid magic tricks.

233. I got Steven Wright. Goddamn—

234. Good, Steven Wright's good, good.

235. What is this, by the way? Do you know what this is?

236. Oh, that's the new plug for the video music show.

237. Well, you know, I'm not gonna do—

238. I'm not gonna do a plug.

239. "Stay tuned for late-night videos, dance all night, dudes"?

240. Okay, okay, okay. What is this?

241. Come on. Okay.

242. Come on, okay. I— I got you.

243. And you know what? It's still really hot in here.

244. I— it's kinda nice.

245. And my chair is a half-inch to five-eighths-inch too low.

246. I'm— I'm positive of it.

247. All right.

248. Oh, no.

249. Steven, thank you so much

250. for coming down at the last minute.

251. Yeah, uh...

252. I'm gonna be first, right? Of course, yes.

253. Excuse me, Paula?

254. But I was told that I was on first tonight.

255. Bruno, I have you booked for tomorrow night lead guest.

256. That's what I thought, too,

257. but when Hank called me, I came right over.

258. Bruno? Hank.

259. Oh, you're a lifesaver.

260. Thanks for— for appearing on short notice,

261. but don't worry now, I got some tricks up my sleeve.

262. Hank, may I speak with you for a second, please?

263. Hank, nice to see you again.

264. I'm sorry, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

265. Steven Wright.

266. Sorry. Steven Wright.

267. Y— yes, yes, of course.

268. Hank, I think you do a great job as a sidekick.

269. What a nice compliment.

270. I thought you said I was on first.

271. You told me I was first.

272. It's— no, no— Pardon me.

273. Paula, you do know that Sid is out sick today, right?

274. Sid? Yeah.

275. Paula, I have to go on first,

276. because I have a prior commitment.

277. We're gonna work this out.

278. It's just a mistake.

279. Come on, man, if it's an ego thing,

280. just say it's an ego thing.

281. Hey, man, I don't even know what an ego thing is, man.

282. Where's— where's Artie? I'm—

283. Somebody get me Artie. It's okay.

284. I will take care of this, one second, all right?

285. One second.

286. Beverly? Uh-huh.

287. Gentlemen, um...

288. can I get either of you something to drink?

289. Yeah. Water, please.

290. Sparkling water.

291. Okay, it's taken care of.

292. You know, this really isn't even about us.

293. This fucking show is run so fucking sloppy.

294. This would never happen on "Letterman."

295. Right.

296. It's amateur night in Dixie.

297. What are you doing to me?

298. I already booked Steven Wright as lead guest.

299. Uh, uh, you could lower your voice just a— just a bit.

300. Now, Steve Wri—

301. Steven Wright? Mm-hmm.

302. Yes, well, he's very funny, but bad mix.

303. You know what?

304. You've got to tell Bruno that you've made a mistake

305. and that you're very sorry. Excuse me.

306. Excuse me.

307. But if I were you, I'd concentrate on the fact

308. that it's 105 degrees in the studio,

309. but I suppose it's a dry heat and I'm just an old fuck.

310. Paula! What?

311. Robert, what are you doing here?

312. I came to say good-bye. What?

313. This is it, I—

314. Unless you can give me one good reason

315. why you've been so completely rude to me today.

316. Honey, it's just Artie...

317. What?

318. Can we please just talk about this later?

319. You know what? I knew you would say that.

320. Come on.

321. Did I, uh...?

322. No, it's fine.

323. Listen, it's still very hot out there. Right.

324. Does Artie know about it? Yes.

325. He's got the pages handing out sodas to the audience.

326. Good. That's a good idea.

327. Where are my cue cards?

328. Where's Larry's cue cards?

329. Where's Sid?

330. Where's Sid?

331. Sid?

332. Sid?

333. Sid.

334. Sid, Paula.

335. The cue card guy! Yes.

336. Oh. Here, let me take care of this.

337. Thank you.

338. Please, please, please.

339. Please, please, please, you keep that up—

340. you keep this up, you're not gonna be able to hear the jokes.

341. Richard Simmons—

342. let's see how it goes before we get thrilled.

343. Richard Simmons is being sued for sexual harassment

344. by a woman who claims he's made lewd,

345. sexually explicit remarks to her.

346. Boy, and when asked to defend himself,

347. Simmons said, "The woman's crazy.

348. I was talking to the guy next to her."

349. Right over there.

350. A pharmaceutical company is about to start marketing

351. a female condom.

352. Please, keep it down.

353. The new female condom has a failure rate of 26%.

354. Now, why can't they just say it has a success rate of 74%?

355. This, again, is just another example of people seeing—

356. some people seeing the condom as a quarter empty

357. when it's really three-quarters full.

358. My guests tonight are Steven Wright, Porno for Pyros,

359. 80-year-old parachutist George McDonald.

360. Don't flip around. We'll be right back.

361. Do not flip around.

362. No flipping!

363. Larry, are you gonna need the monologue cards anymore?

364. No, the monologue is over, Darlene, thank you.

365. Good job. Thank you.

366. Where the hell is Artie?

367. Doesn't he give a damn about the show anymore or what?

368. Yeah, he's just sick. He's really sick today.

369. He's sick? Yeah.

370. But, um, I have him— he's in the booth. I have him on the headset.

371. Oh, I didn't know that.

372. Yeah, and— and he can see you

373. and he says you are doing a great job.

374. Oh. And he's waving.

375. I can't make him out, but good.

376. Hi.

377. Sip? Hmm?

378. Sip?

379. No.

380. The, uh...

381. Thank you, welcome back.

382. We missed you.

383. We have a wonderful show for you tonight, and...

384. Soda pop cans being opened.

385. You know, in L.A., you can't be too sure what that popping is.

386. My next guest is a wonderful comedian.

387. I've been a big fan of his for some time.

388. He can be seen in many places in the country.

389. He performs, uh, all—

390. Hmm?

391. He performs in—

392. He was wonderful in "City Slickers," wonderful.

393. No, he— he's not in "City Slickers."

394. I swear to you— I don't know who you're thinking of.

395. He is not in "City Slickers."

396. Um... He's a wonderful stand-up comedian,

397. and he performs all around the country.

398. Whatever you say. But he's not in "City Slickers."

399. You got it. You're right.

400. And I am wrong.

401. Well, if you're gonna be that way about it...

402. That's Bruno Kirby and Steven Wright.

403. Have a seat, gentlemen.

404. Well, so we were both right, Hank.

405. Bruno, of course, was in "City Slickers,"

406. and Steven Wright is a talented... Thank you.

407. uh, standup comedian and a—

408. whom I'm a big fan of,

409. and you're both friends of mine.

410. Thank you.

411. Welcome aboard. Thanks a lot.

412. I'm a little thrown because we've never had two guests

413. come out at the same time.

414. I don't know quite what happened.

415. How did this, uh, come about?

416. Look, I was told I was gonna come out first tonight.

417. So I know that I've done nothing wrong.

418. No.

419. I think you have done something wrong.

420. What have I done wrong?

421. 'Cause they told me to come out first,

422. and you know, coming out with you is, like,

423. something is just, like, dragging on my foot.

424. You know, I don't usually, I don't,

425. you know, you know...

426. All right, settle down, settle down.

427. I've never seen Steven this wound up, if I may say.

428. Are you saying, like, having me around you

429. is like having something drag on your foot?

430. No, no, no. Yes.

431. That's totally disrespectful.

432. That's totally dis— it's your show, Larry.

433. I'm gonna have a drink, straighten him out.

434. Bruno, I think he's clearly making a little joke

435. about the fact that you're both supposed to be on first,

436. and he's saying you stick to his shoe like toilet paper,

437. which I think is rude.

438. Is that what you were saying?

439. All right, let's move on with the questions.

440. I'm glad you're both here. Maybe we can make this work.

441. Okay, so where have you been lately?

442. Just got back from...

443. New York.

444. The Gap.

445. All right, both fascinating places,

446. and both very romantic.

447. Uh, okay.

448. Who would like to go first on why they were...?

449. Why don't you go first?

450. 'Cause I'm suffering from jet lag.

451. From The Gap?

452. Now, I also see that you both have guest number one cups.

453. Yeah. Uh...

454. That was part of the deal.

455. Yeah, but I got mine first.

456. My next guests are from right here in Los Angeles

457. and making their world television debut,

458. please welcome Porno for Pyros!

459. Let's hear it for 'em.

460. Who booked them?

461. Paula.

462. I like 'em. I think they're great.

463. I can't believe Artie approved them, but that is terrific.

464. I used to dance like that in high school, by the way.

465. I think I got one of those low-grade fevers.

466. Hmm? No, it's just hot.

467. Whew, really hot in here.

468. What, you got a pain?

469. Got my magic cards with me tonight.

470. You guys enjoy them?

471. The best. Of course you did.

472. Fabulous group.

473. Yeah, Steve couldn't control himself.

474. Listen, I know you guys, uh, uh, have someplace to go,

475. I want to thank you for staying through the whole show.

476. I'm sorry about the little confusion

477. about the first guest thing. My pleasure.

478. It seemed to all work out.

479. I hope you'll come back another night.

480. No hard feelings.

481. Thanks. Appreciate it.

482. And the rest of you, stay tuned.

483. We'll be back in 60 seconds to wrap— wrap the show up.

484. Steven, excellent.

485. Bruno, the best.

486. Hank, fuck you.

487. This way is out, fellas.

488. Thanks a lot, thanks for everything.

489. He always wears the same shirt, Steven Wright.

490. I love them. I know.

491. Same shirt every show.

492. Great show. Yeah.

493. Great show. Yeah, it was good.

494. How did Artie like it?

495. He thought it was the best.

496. I thought it went pretty well myself,

497. considering everything he had to do on the show,

498. you should learn a little from him.

499. Watch him closely, a lot to learn.

500. He pulled this off. Guess what?

501. I produced the show all by myself.

502. What are you saying?

503. Artie wasn't even here.

504. He wasn't here, he was, like, in a mudslide.

505. I was— it was just me.

506. Thank you very much.

507. Where is Arthur?

508. Quit kidding around. Where is he?

509. We're back in five,

510. four, three...

511. Are you producing?

512. You're running the show? Artie?

513. You're what, 28? 26.

514. Uh, we're back.

515. And welcome back.

516. And, um...

517. We are back.

518. We are back with, uh, with Hank and, uh...

519. thanks for being back.

520. How much time do we have?

521. Two minutes, 30 seconds.

522. 2:30?

523. What do you recommend we do

524. for the two minutes and 30 seconds, Paula?

525. Paula, who's filling in for our producer, Artie.

526. Well, just...

527. why don't I do some plugs?

528. All right.

529. Stay tuned for late-night videos.

530. Dance all night, dudes.

531. How much time do we have now?

532. Two minutes, five seconds.

533. Two minutes and five seconds.

534. Sounds like we have time for some magic.

535. I do magic.

536. You do? Yes.

537. I mean, I— it's not magic, per se.

538. It's, uh, this is more of an illusion.

539. Artie, welcome back.

540. Two minutes left?

541. Two minutes, sir. How's it going?

542. Uh, interesting.

543. Hank's doing card tricks.

544. Oh, Christ.

545. Okay.

546. Don't— don't show me.

547. Now, put it back in. All right.

548. And I— good.

549. And I, uh, I, uh...

550. I shuffle.

551. Thank you, Paula.

552. Artie, you scared me.

553. All right, so there are 52 men in a shoe store.

554. Is that your card?

555. No.

556. You told him, didn't you?

557. It was an accident.

558. You know I shouldn't drink.

559. Horse hockey.

560. Hey, Artie!

561. Artie, our producer is back.

562. How much time do we have left, Artie?

563. Twenty seconds.

564. Twenty seconds, Hank.

565. Well, then, there's no time for any magic.

566. We'll have to put the cards away.

567. I know— Let Hank finish the trick.

568. All right, Hank, let's finish the trick.

569. Normally, I don't like magic,

570. 'cause I try and figure out how it works and get frustrated,

571. same with a porno film,

572. but in this case, let's take a shot.

573. Okay.

574. Mmm.

575. Smells like the ten of clubs.

576. That is my card.

577. That is my card, the ten of clubs.

578. Hank got it.

579. Hank got my card, the ten of clubs.

580. And, uh...

581. are we out of time now, Artie?

582. Let's wrap it up. Thank you.

583. Boy, I hope we can do magic more often.

584. Gosh, that was great. Good night.

585. Sleep well.

586. My card was the four of diamonds, asshole.