1. Let's go now.
We don't want to keepCopy !req
2. our friends
from the network waiting.Copy !req
3. We don't?
No, we don't.Copy !req
4. Well, I do.
I want to keep 'em waiting.Copy !req
5. No, you're going to be
a good boyCopy !req
6. and listen to all
the suggestions aboutCopy !req
7. who they'd like to see hostCopy !req
8. this new 12:30 talk show
that follows us.Copy !req
9. Fine. How long do I have to
pretend to listen.Copy !req
10. Oh, please, Larry.Copy !req
11. Don't piss all over
their suggestions.Copy !req
12. I am, I'm gonna
piss all over 'em.Copy !req
13. Try to show
a little restraint.Copy !req
14. And then when they feel,
as network executives,Copy !req
15. that they've done
their jobs,Copy !req
16. you will tell them who
the host is really going to be.Copy !req
17. Let me ask you
something.Copy !req
18. Do you think when
Johnny Carson...
Yeah?Copy !req
19. picked David Letterman
to go after him at 12:30,Copy !req
20. he went through
this shit?Copy !req
21. Hell, no.
Nobody fucked with Johnny.Copy !req
22. Exactly.Copy !req
23. Before we get started here,
I just want to tell youCopy !req
24. that we're all really
looking forward to seeing youCopy !req
25. at the American Television
Awards tomorrow night.Copy !req
26. Yeah. (chuckling)
That's just
what America needs,Copy !req
27. another fucking award show.Copy !req
28. Political bullshit.Copy !req
29. You kiss somebody's assCopy !req
30. and they send your name
to the engravers.Copy !req
31. Yeah, I prefer just
to do the workCopy !req
32. and let the work
speak for itself,Copy !req
33. not get caught up
in stuff.Copy !req
34. Yeah, that's right,
but Larry, listen,Copy !req
35. I-I understand
you have a very good,Copy !req
36. uh, very good shot
at it this year.Copy !req
37. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
38. Will they send
a limo?Copy !req
39. Town car.Copy !req
40. Oh, good.Copy !req
41. Much less gaudy.Copy !req
42. Could we get down
to the business at hand here?Copy !req
43. Yeah, uh, Larry, Arthur,Copy !req
44. the 12:30 slot
is wide open.Copy !req
45. Mm-hmm.
Now, our only competitionCopy !req
46. so far is, uh,
Conan O'Brien.Copy !req
47. Does anyone know whoCopy !req
48. they're putting on
after Letterman?Copy !req
49. No, they're keeping that
under real tight wraps.Copy !req
50. The important thing
is who's going onCopy !req
51. after Mr. Larry Sanders?Copy !req
52. We have put together
a listCopy !req
53. of possible
host candidatesCopy !req
54. that we're sure
you're gonna be very,
very excited about.Copy !req
55. Well, good, good.
I'm all ears.Copy !req
56. Well, now,
the affiliatesCopy !req
57. have already approved
all of these.Copy !req
58. Okay, first up,
uh, Bob Saget.Copy !req
59. Bob Saget, good name.
Hey!Copy !req
60. Excellent name,
gee.Copy !req
61. But, he's already doing
a couple of shows.Copy !req
62. Wouldn't this be
too much for him?Copy !req
63. Bob is a mule.Copy !req
64. Well, how about
Dave Coulier?Copy !req
65. Who?
(clears throat)Copy !req
66. Dave Coulier.Copy !req
67. You're just raiding
the castCopy !req
68. of "Full House,"
huh?Copy !req
69. You should check into
the Olsen twins.Copy !req
70. I hear once
their parentsCopy !req
71. go to sleep,
they're wild.Copy !req
72. Ha!
Really? Well, I'll check,Copy !req
73. see if they're interested.
Okay.Copy !req
74. Melanie, if I may...
Oh, please.
Please do.Copy !req
75. Okay, as executive
producer of this show,Copy !req
76. and a talk show
host himself,Copy !req
77. I think I know
what it takesCopy !req
78. to have a successful
talk show.Copy !req
79. I have a couple
of ideas, uh...Copy !req
80. You— you have
somebody in mind?Copy !req
81. Yeah, mm-hmm.Copy !req
82. Who?
(Larry sighing)Copy !req
83. Bobcat Goldthwait.Copy !req
84. What's wrong?
Uh...Copy !req
85. The affiliates have already
rejected that name, Larry.Copy !req
86. Is he the guy that makes
the animal noises?Copy !req
87. Well, I knew you were gonna
say that right off the bat,Copy !req
88. but that's just one
of his colors.Copy !req
89. He actually doesn't do
that voice all the time.Copy !req
90. He's a very funny guy.Copy !req
91. Yeah, yeah, Larry,
you know, uh...Copy !req
92. there's a lot
of funny out there,Copy !req
93. and we're just—
we're lookingCopy !req
94. for the right kind
of funny.Copy !req
95. You know, Dennis, I think
the kind of funny that...Copy !req
96. (clears throat)
Uh, Artie?Copy !req
97. Larry feels very strongly
about this,Copy !req
98. and I agree with him.
Now, let's allCopy !req
99. get together and close ranks
behind Larry.Copy !req
100. Let's take a good look
at "Tomcat."Copy !req
101. Bobcat.
Whatever.Copy !req
102. The affiliates are never
gonna go for this.Copy !req
103. Well, look, I have
a great relationshipCopy !req
104. with the affiliates.Copy !req
105. Let me sell it
to 'em.Copy !req
106. You think Mr. Goldthwait
would be willingCopy !req
107. to do some sort
of presentation?Copy !req
108. I don't see why not.Copy !req
109. I mean, if they don't
approve it, Larry,Copy !req
110. it can't fly.
It's that simple.Copy !req
111. Sure, no,
I understand that.Copy !req
112. But Bob is very
gung-ho about this.Copy !req
113. I'm sure he would
be happy to.Copy !req
114. He's a hungry performer.
Yeah.Copy !req
115. That's what you want.
That's what we want.Copy !req
116. Okay, then, let's keep
a tight lid on this.Copy !req
117. Hey, Kevin.Copy !req
118. Larry.
Hey, man.Copy !req
119. Good to see ya,
good to see ya.
How are you?Copy !req
120. What are you doing here?Copy !req
121. Oh, just passing
through town.
Yeah?Copy !req
122. Doing my film.
Yeah.
Oh.Copy !req
123. What film?
You doing "Coneheads"?Copy !req
124. Hans—
No, "Hans and Franz."Copy !req
125. Oh, well,
that'll be good too.Copy !req
126. Yeah.
"Hans and Franz."Copy !req
127. Are you Hans or Franz?Copy !req
128. Franz...
Hans.Copy !req
129. Franz, no, Franz.
Carvey's— Carvey's Hans.Copy !req
130. Franz is
the funny one.
Yeah.Copy !req
131. So, anyway, uh...
Hey, listen, I heardCopy !req
132. that you're looking
at Saget and CoulierCopy !req
133. to do the 12:30 slot.Copy !req
134. Where'd you hear that?
Carvey.Copy !req
135. Carvey should get
a fuckin' hobby.Copy !req
136. Let me just tell you,
that "Hans and Franz" thing,Copy !req
137. that's just
a character idea.Copy !req
138. Normally what I do best
is talking to people,Copy !req
139. interacting, you know.
I mean, that's a big partCopy !req
140. of my act,
talking to people.Copy !req
141. You listening to me?
I mean, it's what I do.Copy !req
142. Yeah, no, you're talking
about interacting
with people, right?Copy !req
143. Right, it's like what
we're doing right now.Copy !req
144. I'm talking, you're— you know.
Look, I'm a big fan.Copy !req
145. You know I love you,
but, uh...
Right.Copy !req
146. the network wants
Bobcat GoldthwaitCopy !req
147. (laughing)
for the 12:30 slot.Copy !req
148. Bobcat?
Uh-huh.Copy !req
149. That's funny. Was Gallagher
tied up or something?Copy !req
150. I think Bobcat
will be good.Copy !req
151. Bobcat Gold—
you are serious.
Mm-hmm, yeah.Copy !req
152. But, listen,
let's, uh...Copy !req
153. let's get together
and talk soon.Copy !req
154. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
155. About the late night slot?Copy !req
156. Hey, Artie...Copy !req
157. Hey, hey, hey,
what the fuck is going on?Copy !req
158. I thought we were—
What is this?Copy !req
159. "Sanders Tabs Saget
For 12:30 Gab Comedy Fest"?Copy !req
160. I thought we were keeping
a tight lid on this?Copy !req
161. Well, we did.
They didn't.Copy !req
162. It's the front page.Copy !req
163. I don't need this kind
of pressure, Artie.Copy !req
164. All right, I'm sure this
is the end of it, Larry.Copy !req
165. Gilbert Gottfried called,
Bob Saget called,Copy !req
166. Allan Havey called—
several times.Copy !req
167. Louie Anderson,
Steven Wright,Copy !req
168. Robert Klein,
and Sinbad.Copy !req
169. Goddamn hyenas.
I'll take care of these.Copy !req
170. What, was David Brenner
out of the country?Copy !req
171. Oh... David Brenner
sent brownies.Copy !req
172. What does the American
Television Award look like?Copy !req
173. Do you know?
Well, it's probablyCopy !req
174. a statue of a guy
with his headCopy !req
175. halfway up
another guy's ass.Copy !req
176. I already have
a fountain like that.Copy !req
177. Yeah.Copy !req
178. You know, I would like—
also like the—Copy !req
179. This is it, gentlemen.
This is fucking it!Copy !req
180. The seeds of disrespect
for Hank KingsleyCopy !req
181. that have been sown
so liberally around this officeCopy !req
182. have finally
come to bloom.Copy !req
183. Does the left one look
longer than the right one?
Absolutely, Vito.Copy !req
184. Got it?
Can we, uh...Copy !req
185. Can we, uh...Copy !req
186. Oh.
Bring it up
about a quarter—Copy !req
187. Please?
I'll ask you—Copy !req
188. Excuse us for a second.
Come back... in a second.Copy !req
189. Thanks, Vito.
Don't forget...Copy !req
190. Thank you, Vito.
to take care of him after.Copy !req
191. Yeah, well sure,
when he gets back.Copy !req
192. Look at this.
What the hell is that?Copy !req
193. Is that
that horse shitCopy !req
194. fan club newsletter
of yours?
Yes.Copy !req
195. How many times
I have to tell youCopy !req
196. about using office supplies
and equipmentCopy !req
197. to put out
this goddamn thing?Copy !req
198. Please, Arthur,
I'm trying to findCopy !req
199. a local printer who can
handle the volume.Copy !req
200. Well, that's what
you told me six months ago.Copy !req
201. For the love of God,Copy !req
202. I cannot talk
about this now, Arthur.Copy !req
203. I just—
I just can't!Copy !req
204. What?
"Hank's Thoughts"?Copy !req
205. Yes— no.Copy !req
206. "Hank's Memories"?
Yes.Copy !req
207. "I remember
those winter daysCopy !req
208. "when I'd return home
from my paper route,Copy !req
209. "my toes and fingers dead
from the cold.Copy !req
210. "How I wanted
to quit that job,Copy !req
211. "but whenever
I mentioned it to Mom,Copy !req
212. "she always said
the same thing...Copy !req
213. "'Hank, you must always
remember,Copy !req
214. penis, vagina.'"
Ooh.Copy !req
215. "Penis, vagina.
Penis, vagina."Copy !req
216. What the hell is this,
Hank?Copy !req
217. God, it is unbelievable,
isn't it?Copy !req
218. Yeah, I mean...Copy !req
219. This is the same thing
my mom used to say to me.Copy !req
220. What are the odds
of that?Copy !req
221. That's not—
that's not funny, Larry,Copy !req
222. because at this very moment
our nation's postal serviceCopy !req
223. is carrying
over 4,000 of theseCopy !req
224. to homes all over
America.Copy !req
225. 4,000 on our Xerox?Copy !req
226. Paper doesn't grow on trees
you know, Mister.Copy !req
227. Why didn't you
proof this, Hank?Copy !req
228. Well, that is, uh,
Darlene's job.Copy !req
229. Isn't that right,
Darlene?Copy !req
230. I'm sorry, Hank.Copy !req
231. I want the person
who did this.Copy !req
232. I want a head on my plate
by the end of this business day,Copy !req
233. because some scumbag,Copy !req
234. some useless piece
of humanityCopy !req
235. is responsible
for this.
It's awful.Copy !req
236. So, it wasn't you,
Lar?Copy !req
237. You...
No, I didn't.Copy !req
238. Hank, we've got
bigger fish to fry.Copy !req
239. Oh, well... excuse me.Copy !req
240. (laughing)
Oh, God.Copy !req
241. Enjoying your handiwork?
That's kind of a crude wayCopy !req
242. to expand your readership,
isn't it Hank?Copy !req
243. Shut your mouth,
you little shit.
Hey!Copy !req
244. Well, I guess we know
which side of the familyCopy !req
245. you get
that mouth from.Copy !req
246. You listen to me—Copy !req
247. Just control yourself,
Hank.Copy !req
248. Okay, Phil, I appreciate
a good "penis, vagina" jokeCopy !req
249. as much as the next man,
but, uh... (clicks tongue)Copy !req
250. You think I did this?Copy !req
251. It screams you.Copy !req
252. It screams "penis, vagina"
more than anything.Copy !req
253. Come on, Phil.Copy !req
254. I didn't do this.Copy !req
255. I swear to you, Hank.Copy !req
256. I admire the idea,
but the execution is sophomoric.Copy !req
257. I mean, if I were gonna
do something like that,Copy !req
258. I would have said
like, uh...Copy !req
259. you come home from a hard
day at the paper routeCopy !req
260. and your mom's
standing there,Copy !req
261. and she has a very thin
dressing gown on,Copy !req
262. and it slips open
and all—
Phil!Copy !req
263. Easy. He didn't do it.
Let it go.Copy !req
264. Where's Jerry?
Listen, you just simmer down.Copy !req
265. Now, you go handle this
with Jerry yourself.Copy !req
266. I'm talking to affiliates,
goddammit.Copy !req
267. Steven Wright:
Larry, I knowCopy !req
268. I don't have to
tell you this,Copy !req
269. but I'm a people person.
Right.Copy !req
270. I like people.Copy !req
271. I like to ask people
questions,Copy !req
272. and I like
to have other people watchCopy !req
273. when I'm doing that.Copy !req
274. (clears throat)
Look, Steven,Copy !req
275. the network is leaning
towards Bobcat Goldthwait.Copy !req
276. It's—
I think you'd be great,Copy !req
277. but there's nothing
I can do.Copy !req
278. My hands are over
a barrel on this one.Copy !req
279. Goldthwait?
Yes.Copy !req
280. Bobcat Goldthwait.Copy !req
281. He— that guy has such
a weird energy.Copy !req
282. Jerry.Copy !req
283. Hey, Hank,
how's it going?Copy !req
284. How's it going?
Yeah.Copy !req
285. How's it going?
Yeah.Copy !req
286. Well, I read my fan club
newsletter this morning,Copy !req
287. so how do you think
it's going?Copy !req
288. I don't know.Copy !req
289. Hey, can you hang out
for a second?Copy !req
290. Oh, sure.
I can hang out.Copy !req
291. Long enough to say,
"penis, vagina."Copy !req
292. (chuckles)
Penis, vagina!Copy !req
293. Penis, vagina!Copy !req
294. Uh, Hank?
Penis, vagina!Copy !req
295. Penis, vagina!
Penis, vagina!Copy !req
296. Doesn't sound so clever
when it gets thrownCopy !req
297. right back in your face,
does it, Mr. Penis Vagina?Copy !req
298. Uh, Hank, this is my mom,
Miss Shirley Capen.Copy !req
299. Uh, this is Hank Kingsley.Copy !req
300. How do you do?
How do you do?Copy !req
301. Wow, what a pleasure it is
to meet the mother of a...Copy !req
302. very talented young man.Copy !req
303. Uh, you in town to,
uh...Copy !req
304. uh, visit Jerry?Copy !req
305. No, I'm here
with my church groupCopy !req
306. for a Bible study
conference.Copy !req
307. (softly)
Okay, okay.Copy !req
308. I gotta run, uh...Copy !req
309. 'cause I have some toast
in the toasterette.Copy !req
310. Not the toasterette,
the kit— the kitchenette.Copy !req
311. And, um...
a pleasure.Copy !req
312. Hey, so listen, things have been
going great for you.Copy !req
313. You've got the TV series
coming up with Rickles.Copy !req
314. With Rickles, yeah, yeah.
That is great.Copy !req
315. Yeah.
And you're also
in the movieCopy !req
316. "Robin Hood:
Men in Tights."Copy !req
317. Yeah, Mel Brooks
is filming.Copy !req
318. So you must
be happy?Copy !req
319. Yeah, well, you know,
I want to—Copy !req
320. you know, 'cause that's not
my whole life.Copy !req
321. I want— I'd like
to have a wife,Copy !req
322. you know, eventually,
you know?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
323. I'll be like 111
when I have a kid
in little league,Copy !req
324. you know, and, uh...
(audience laughter)Copy !req
325. Plus, like,
I can't relax with, uh...Copy !req
326. I don't know about you,
but, uh...Copy !req
327. well, forget him.Copy !req
328. But, you know, I can't—
I go on a date,Copy !req
329. I mean, I even—
on a blind date,Copy !req
330. I insist we go to like,
you know,Copy !req
331. counseling on the way.
(audience laughter)Copy !req
332. You know what I mean?Copy !req
333. So, I don't know if
it's ever gonna happen for me.Copy !req
334. Yeah, we'll talk
about it later.Copy !req
335. We'll come right back.Copy !req
336. Stay tuned.
Very funny.Copy !req
337. Okay, we'll be right back.Copy !req
338. Clear!Copy !req
339. Hey, are we—
we doing okay?Copy !req
340. Yeah, did I get
all the plugs in?Copy !req
341. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Was I— was I all right?Copy !req
342. Yeah, good, fine.
Great.Copy !req
343. So, it's been a while.
Yeah.Copy !req
344. What's new with you?
Huh?Copy !req
345. Give me a break.Copy !req
346. What?
Come on.Copy !req
347. Bob Goldthwait's doing
the 12:30 show, okay?Copy !req
348. Look, you're good
and everything like that.Copy !req
349. I think you're really
talented,Copy !req
350. but my hands
are tied on this one.Copy !req
351. He's doing it.
The position's filled.Copy !req
352. What, you think
that I—Copy !req
353. that I want that slot?Copy !req
354. Duh.Copy !req
355. Oh, Larry, come on,
what are you, crazy?Copy !req
356. I mean, you're joking,
right?Copy !req
357. Come on, I got— I got—
I got a series.Copy !req
358. I-I'm doing movies.Copy !req
359. And besides, you know,Copy !req
360. who in their right mind
wants to do a talk showCopy !req
361. five nights a week?
You.Copy !req
362. Do you really mean—Copy !req
363. What are you doing, man.
What are you— what?Copy !req
364. What am I doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
365. This— God, this 12:30 thing
is really—Copy !req
366. God, it's really making you
into like a different guy.Copy !req
367. What is going on with you?Copy !req
368. I mean, what do I mean?
Come—Copy !req
369. How long have
I known you,Copy !req
370. like 15 years?
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
371. Well, you're finally—
you're changing.Copy !req
372. You're not even
yourself any—Copy !req
373. You know, I ran into
Steven Wright and—Copy !req
374. and Kevin Nealon, and—
and they told me about this,Copy !req
375. but I didn't
want to believe this.Copy !req
376. Won't you excuse me?Copy !req
377. Hey, Hank.
How you been?Copy !req
378. I haven't seen you
in a while.Copy !req
379. Awful.Copy !req
380. Someone's been tampering
with "Hank's Memories."Copy !req
381. Wow.
Sorry.Copy !req
382. Sid.Copy !req
383. Sid, the cue card guy.Copy !req
384. Huh?Copy !req
385. I, uh... I cut him off
in the parking lotCopy !req
386. last year during
the holiday season.Copy !req
387. That's my man.Copy !req
388. But, what to do?
Yeah.Copy !req
389. You know,
these awards tonight,Copy !req
390. you really think we have
a chance of winning?Copy !req
391. Yes, I do.
Yeah?Copy !req
392. You know, me too.Copy !req
393. I would like to accept
this very gracious recognition.Copy !req
394. Thank you very much.Copy !req
395. Hey, are you—
can I use this?Copy !req
396. Larry, how you doing?
Oh, hey, Dave.Copy !req
397. Hey, congratulations
on that.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
398. Good to see you.
Nice to see you.Copy !req
399. How you doing?
Doing good.Copy !req
400. Boy, you lost
a lot of weight.Copy !req
401. Yeah, 80 pounds.
I was up around 280.Copy !req
402. I'm down to about
200 now.Copy !req
403. But I feel good.
Yeah, you look good.Copy !req
404. Thank you very much.
CBS make you lose
that weight?Copy !req
405. Yeah!
(laughter)Copy !req
406. How you been?
Good.Copy !req
407. Yeah, yeah.
Good, good.Copy !req
408. I'm having trouble...Copy !req
409. a lot of trouble finding
one of those guysCopy !req
410. to take the 12:30 spot
after me.Copy !req
411. Me too.
It's killing me.
Boy, it's fucked.Copy !req
412. There's only a handful
of guys that can do it.Copy !req
413. Driving me nuts,
yeah, yeah.Copy !req
414. Who you thinking about?
I can't tell you.Copy !req
415. Well, come on.
No, I can't, I'm sorry.Copy !req
416. Come on,
there's no one around.Copy !req
417. No, I know
there's no one—Copy !req
418. Who you thinking about?Copy !req
419. I'll tell you who
we're leaning towards.Copy !req
420. I would tell you
if I could.Copy !req
421. You want a straw—?
No thanks.Copy !req
422. Who— who are you
thinkin' about, though?Copy !req
423. Uh, uh...
It's a big deal.Copy !req
424. It's a big responsibility.
Well, we're leaning towards,Copy !req
425. Bobcat Goldthwait, actually.
Oh.Copy !req
426. The— he's great.
The animal...?
Yeah, I think he's—Copy !req
427. The "ah, ah, ah"?
He shouts, and I thinkCopy !req
428. it would be good going
into a commercial break.Copy !req
429. "We'll be right back!"
Yeah.Copy !req
430. Yeah, that's cute.
I like that.Copy !req
431. Bobcat.
Who're you thinking
about?Copy !req
432. Come on.
I can't tell you.Copy !req
433. Come on.
Come on.Copy !req
434. Just between us.
I can't tell you.Copy !req
435. Who you thinking about?Copy !req
436. What did I say?
Did I say I can't tell you?Copy !req
437. If I could, I would.Copy !req
438. Yeah.
Come on, you should
be on a high right now.Copy !req
439. You're moving.
This is gonna be great.Copy !req
440. Who you thinking about?
Tom Snyder.Copy !req
441. But don't tell anyone.
Oh, come on.Copy !req
442. Tom Snyder.
Come on.Copy !req
443. Tomorrow, Tom Snyder.Copy !req
444. No.
Yeah. Tom Snyder.Copy !req
445. The original
Tom Snyder?
Yes.Copy !req
446. The guy you—
Yeah.Copy !req
447. His hair is back.
He's ready to go.
Wow.Copy !req
448. Tom Snyder.
I'm shocked.Copy !req
449. No, it's gonna be great.
God.Copy !req
450. No, we're very happy
with it.Copy !req
451. Dick Cavett tied up?
I couldn't answer to that.Copy !req
452. Yeah.
Well, good luck.
I think it'll be great.Copy !req
453. Listen, I'm sorry
about that, uh,Copy !req
454. you didn't win
tonight.
Ye— yeah.Copy !req
455. I'm glad you got that.
You deserve that.Copy !req
456. Well, I'm happy.
You know, I'm happy.Copy !req
457. It's a nice little pat
on the back,Copy !req
458. but the thing
I admire about you,Copy !req
459. you're the kind of guy,
this is not important
to you.Copy !req
460. The awards mean nothing to me.
What's important to you
is the work.Copy !req
461. And thank goodness
for you
Yeah.Copy !req
462. and your friends
and family.Copy !req
463. You can go out
every night...
Yeah.Copy !req
464. and prove yourself
all over.Copy !req
465. And you get that feeling
of accomplishment
and satisfaction.Copy !req
466. That's exactly how I feel.
And that's the best thing.Copy !req
467. The award is not really
that important, is it?Copy !req
468. No, I— yeah, no, no.
Yeah.Copy !req
469. What is that?
Is it heavy?Copy !req
470. This is one of those
rare moments in my lifeCopy !req
471. when I know now I can
do something for youCopy !req
472. that I think will mean
a great deal.Copy !req
473. You want a—
Take the award.Copy !req
474. I'm not kidding around
this time.Copy !req
475. Take it, please.Copy !req
476. It would mean a lot
to me to take it.Copy !req
477. Go ahead.
Okay.Copy !req
478. You're insane!
See?Copy !req
479. Fucker.
Boy, oh boy,
are you nuts!Copy !req
480. You're a fucker.
I've never seen
a guy like you.Copy !req
481. You're a fucker.
Wow!Copy !req
482. Good luck with
that Snyder thing.
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
483. Now, listen, the affiliates
are to the—Copy !req
484. to my left, all right?
Don— don't look!Copy !req
485. And, uh, I just want you
to go out and have—Copy !req
486. Is there anything
I can do?Copy !req
487. No, you've already
done a lot.Copy !req
488. I mean, giving me this is—
it's pretty cool, thanks.Copy !req
489. All right, 'cause I think
you're gonna do great.Copy !req
490. I just want you to have fun,
because just remember,Copy !req
491. as far as I'm concerned,
this is a done deal.Copy !req
492. All right?
Thank you.Copy !req
493. Okay.
Thanks.Copy !req
494. Hey, and welcome to
the Bobcat Goldthwait show!Copy !req
495. That's me, Bobcat.Copy !req
496. And, um, please watch
or I'll come to your house.Copy !req
497. See, and then—
like, the show's not gonnaCopy !req
498. be like any other show.Copy !req
499. I'm not even gonna have
real chairs.Copy !req
500. These are like fake chairs.
I'm gonna have bean bag chairs,Copy !req
501. and I'm not even
gonna have a desk.Copy !req
502. I'm gonna have
a bean bag desk, right?Copy !req
503. So, let's say
a guest comes on,Copy !req
504. puts a beverage
on the bean bag deskCopy !req
505. and it gets
all wobbly.Copy !req
506. That'll be funny,
right?Copy !req
507. And then, like, okay,Copy !req
508. I have—
let's say, Madonna...Copy !req
509. Who's the guy
in the golf slacks?Copy !req
510. Oh, that's great
Artie Hankins,Copy !req
511. the Kansas City
affiliate.Copy !req
512. Super guy.
Yeah? Good.Copy !req
513. And she'll go,Copy !req
514. "Why, thank you,
Bobcat.Copy !req
515. I've always been
attracted to you."Copy !req
516. And I'll go, "Oh, thank you
very much, Madonna.Copy !req
517. I've always been
a big fan of your work."Copy !req
518. "Oh, no, no problem.
It's— you're kind of a—Copy !req
519. You know, I consider you
date bait."Copy !req
520. But, it'd be Madonna,Copy !req
521. it wouldn't
actually be me.Copy !req
522. And then
there'll be a band.Copy !req
523. (screaming)
I don't know—Copy !req
524. I don't have
a theme written yet.Copy !req
525. Excuse me.
Right? But something
like that.Copy !req
526. And then, another thing
I want to do—Copy !req
527. Bob?
Uh, Bob...Copy !req
528. Wait, no— Wednesday
is no pants night.Copy !req
529. I don't care who
the guest is,Copy !req
530. they're not wearing
pants!Copy !req
531. That's a great one.
Hey, uh, listen, Bob,Copy !req
532. uh, are you gonna do
any of thisCopy !req
533. in your real voice
or what?Copy !req
534. What, I— I—Copy !req
535. Are you turning
on me too?Copy !req
536. No, no, I'm not turning
on you, I just think, uh...Copy !req
537. I can't get enough
of this character,Copy !req
538. you know I love it.
But the affiliates,Copy !req
539. why, I think
that they, uh,Copy !req
540. they want to know
that you're somethingCopy !req
541. other than just
that character.Copy !req
542. They think that's you.
They think it's kind of—Copy !req
543. They think you're crazy.Copy !req
544. You want me to take it
down a little bit?Copy !req
545. Well, you know, could you
take it down a little bit?Copy !req
546. That would be great.Copy !req
547. Maybe just down to a,
you know,Copy !req
548. seven or something.Copy !req
549. Oh, that—
that is a seven.Copy !req
550. That was a seven?
Yeah.Copy !req
551. Maybe, you know,
a two?Copy !req
552. Would it be— would that
be asking too much?Copy !req
553. No, I can do a two.
Okay, that'd be great.Copy !req
554. That's fine.Copy !req
555. It's hilarious.
Oh, oh, good.Copy !req
556. Just have fun.
I'm telling you, this is—Copy !req
557. it's a done deal,
anyway.Copy !req
558. Okay?
Sure.Copy !req
559. There's also going to be
a live band.Copy !req
560. Whoa, we're back
from our little interruption.Copy !req
561. And then like,
another thing on the show,Copy !req
562. a regular feature is,
let's say I have a guest,Copy !req
563. like Donna Mills.
And there's Donna.Copy !req
564. She's just yammering away,
like plugging something.Copy !req
565. I'm gonna have a big
giant Nerf bat,Copy !req
566. bigger than this one,
and then I'll just go,Copy !req
567. "Oh, that's fascinating,
Donna.Copy !req
568. Oh, please, tell me some
more about your pets."Copy !req
569. Boom! Smack her
right in the face.Copy !req
570. I'll— I'll hit her,
right in the face.Copy !req
571. I want to hit her
so hard, like,Copy !req
572. you can get some
of her makeupCopy !req
573. right here,
a lot of it.Copy !req
574. It'll be like
"the holy shroud of Donna."Copy !req
575. The crowd's gonna
go crazy, and, um...Copy !req
576. Is this what
you really want?Copy !req
577. Why don't you go
all the way with itCopy !req
578. and get the young people's
favorite, Pauly Shore?Copy !req
579. 'Cause I happen to think
this is still funny, okay?Copy !req
580. It's a little different,
a little more daring,
but if you're not gonnaCopy !req
581. do something different,
why bother?Copy !req
582. The network wants
Coulier and Saget.Copy !req
583. Why not put them together
as a team?Copy !req
584. It worked for
the Smothers Brothers.Copy !req
585. Because the Smothers BrothersCopy !req
586. happened to actually
be brothers, Artie.Copy !req
587. I don't believe Coulier
and Saget are related.Copy !req
588. How about Rowan
and Martin?Copy !req
589. I'm not changing
my mind.Copy !req
590. If I cave in now...Copy !req
591. the network's
gonna question meCopy !req
592. on everything
I want to do.Copy !req
593. Larry,
listen carefully.Copy !req
594. This is not you against
the network.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
595. It's you against
the most powerful peopleCopy !req
596. in television,
the affiliates.Copy !req
597. And they're never going to
buy it, kiddo.Copy !req
598. I get— I have
a good relationshipCopy !req
599. with the affiliates.
They'll come around.Copy !req
600. Let's see how long
that lastsCopy !req
601. after Bobcat
bashes Donna Mills'Copy !req
602. face in with
a Nerf bat.Copy !req
603. He's not gonna do that.
He'll be fine.Copy !req
604. He's gonna last
exactly three weeks.Copy !req
605. And then they're gonna
dump the both of youCopy !req
606. and put on reruns
of "McMillan and Wife"Copy !req
607. and "Hawaii Five-Zilch."
I want to have...Copy !req
608. and then, sometimes, I'm not
even gonna be on the show.Copy !req
609. It's just gonna be
my voiceCopy !req
610. coming from a box
such as this one,Copy !req
611. and it'll just be
this disembodied voice.Copy !req
612. It'll be like, you know,
a Beckett play.Copy !req
613. How long do I have
to make my decision?Copy !req
614. You've got to announce it
on the show tomorrow night.Copy !req
615. Do you ever have to go
and then we, because like—Copy !req
616. I hope we made
the right choice.Copy !req
617. Well, the network certainly
seemed to be intrigued.Copy !req
618. Good, good.
Well, I feel good about it.Copy !req
619. Arthur...
Okay.Copy !req
620. Could I talk to you
for a moment, please?Copy !req
621. You okay, Sid?Copy !req
622. Some asshole
put a potatoCopy !req
623. in the tailpipe
of my car.Copy !req
624. Oh, that's awful.Copy !req
625. Who would do a thing
like that?
I'll kill the bastards.Copy !req
626. Just settle down.
If I find out who...Copy !req
627. Sid, what, did you used to
work at the post office?Copy !req
628. I did it, Artie.
Did what?Copy !req
629. I did it. "Penis, vagina,
penis, vagina."Copy !req
630. You put that
in the newsletter, Darlene?Copy !req
631. You're kidding?
I love Hank.Copy !req
632. I really do,
but sometimesCopy !req
633. he makes me
do crummy jobs,Copy !req
634. and he talks to me
like I'm an idiot.Copy !req
635. I think I just wanted
to hurt him.Copy !req
636. I know the feeling.Copy !req
637. Oh. I was beginning to worry
about you, sweetie,Copy !req
638. but I think you're findingCopy !req
639. a place for yourself
in this business.Copy !req
640. Oh, I hope so, Artie.
Thank you so much.Copy !req
641. Uh-huh,
secret, secret.Copy !req
642. All right, Darlene,
pull my carCopy !req
643. up to the back door
and have it runningCopy !req
644. as soon as the show
is over.Copy !req
645. And, listen, try to keep
that interior tempCopy !req
646. as close to 60
as possible, capisce?Copy !req
647. Yes, sir.
That's my girl.Copy !req
648. (softly)
Penis, vagina.Copy !req
649. (audience laughter)
Bill Clinton has nominatedCopy !req
650. a woman to
the Supreme Court.Copy !req
651. Or, as Clarence Thomas
likes to say, "new meat."Copy !req
652. Now, I would like to get
onto a very important issue.Copy !req
653. There's been
a lot of conjecture,Copy !req
654. a lot of misinformation
in the papersCopy !req
655. about who we are puttin' on
in the 12:30 slotCopy !req
656. after us,
"The Larry Sanders Show."Copy !req
657. And I'd like to put an end
to all the speculation by—Copy !req
658. right now by announcing
and introducing the new hostCopy !req
659. of the 12:30 slot
to you now.Copy !req
660. He's an old friend,
and a very talented man,Copy !req
661. Mr. Tom Snyder!
Tom Snyder.Copy !req
662. Larry.Copy !req
663. Hi, folks.Copy !req
664. Now, Tom...Copy !req
665. (cheering continues)
Thank you.Copy !req
666. Thank you.Copy !req
667. Thank you, folks.Copy !req
668. I would say
off the bat,Copy !req
669. it looks like we've really
made the right choiceCopy !req
670. in picking you, Tom.
Wow, how do I follow this
at 12:30? Wow.Copy !req
671. Well, it's not
going to be easy, Tom,Copy !req
672. but if there's anybody
who can do it...Copy !req
673. it's you.
(audience laughter)Copy !req
674. So, uh, Tom,
welcome to the family.Copy !req
675. Thank you, Larry.Copy !req
676. Pleasure to be back
on the network.Copy !req
677. Finally out of CNBC
and back in—Copy !req
678. Back in the old
12:30 A.M. saddle.Copy !req
679. It's great.
Well, listen, maybe getCopy !req
680. a regular chair
this time.Copy !req
681. Funny man,
Larry Sanders.Copy !req
682. Oh, oh, funny,
funny man.Copy !req
683. Now, listen, uh,Copy !req
684. what kind of show will you
be doing, Tom?Copy !req
685. You ask me now.
I ask you now.Copy !req
686. Be similar to the old show,
the show we love?Copy !req
687. Well, I think it'll be
a little one-on-one.Copy !req
688. You know, that's always
been somethingCopy !req
689. I've had good fortune doing.
Absolutely.Copy !req
690. Covering issues.
I think there'sCopy !req
691. a lot of stuff
going on in the worldCopy !req
692. that's, uh, important.Copy !req
693. And, you know, Larry,
I think it's high timeCopy !req
694. that late night television
got back to covering thingsCopy !req
695. that matter
in this world.Copy !req
696. Well, I couldn't agree
with you more, Tom.Copy !req
697. (applause)
And there's eight
other people.Copy !req
698. Eight other people here.
No, ten.Copy !req
699. Now, what kind of guests
will you be having?Copy !req
700. Well, I'll tell you
something, uh...Copy !req
701. I'd like to have you
on the air.Copy !req
702. You know,
go behind the scenes,Copy !req
703. get to the bottom
of Larry Sanders.Copy !req
704. And eight other people
agree with that.Copy !req
705. There's eight.
What do you say?Copy !req
706. I'm, uh— I'm in.Copy !req
707. I'm in.
Good.Copy !req
708. You know, I'm—
I'm absolutely—Copy !req
709. I'm as good
as there.Copy !req
710. And if I can't make it,
Hank will be.Copy !req
711. No flipping!
We'll be right back.Copy !req
712. Oh, boy, they seemed
to like it, huh?Copy !req
713. Yeah, well,
they'd better.Copy !req
714. It cost us an arm and a legCopy !req
715. to steal him away
from Letterman.Copy !req
716. Yeah, but it was worth it.
We got him.Copy !req
717. How did old Bobcat
take it?Copy !req
718. I thought
you told Bobcat.Copy !req
719. You were gonna
tell him.Copy !req
720. Well, someone better
tell himCopy !req
721. before this goes
on the air tonight.Copy !req
722. Well, he's your pal,
it was your idea.Copy !req
723. You— you should tell him.
Fine.Copy !req
724. I'll tell him
right after the show.Copy !req
725. Good, okay.
But I feel bad, though.Copy !req
726. Oh, come on.
We'll let himCopy !req
727. guest host
for a week.Copy !req
728. That's a good idea.
That's great.
Yeah.Copy !req
729. Yeah.
That's a good idea,
'cause I like him.Copy !req
730. He's a talent.Copy !req
731. Listen, I have to
ask you this again.Copy !req
732. When Letterman said
that he was thinkingCopy !req
733. of Tom Snyder, you're sure
he wasn't joking?Copy !req
734. Yeah, he wasn't joking.
Yeah.Copy !req
735. And, of course,
I asked Tom about it,Copy !req
736. and he said that
he never heardCopy !req
737. about the Letterman thing.Copy !req
738. Really?
Really.Copy !req