The Larry Sanders Show 2x5

1. Let's talk about movies.

2. What are you working on?

3. Barry Levinson: I thought, uh, we weren't gonna talk about that.

4. No, we— well, I thought, you know,

5. since you're basically known as a film director,

6. it might be fun to talk about some of your films.

7. Is that-is that a problem?

8. I'll say that and then you'll say,

9. "Oh, it's one of those movies." Right?

10. No, I won't. You won't?

11. What is it, one of those "Heaven Can Wait" kind of movies?

12. No, we'll talk about something else.

13. Okay, good.

14. Uh, so, hobbies. You got some hobbies?

15. What you— you have a hobby?

16. No. No.

17. Do you have, uh, I see— I hear that you travel a lot.

18. Yes. So, uh, you goin' on vacation soon or...

19. Well, I'm in the middle of that movie.

20. And what is that about?

21. Again, we're coming back to the—

22. You're not gonna talk about the movie at all.

23. Honestly, I thought we wouldn't talk about it,

24. because I always feel kinda awkward, you know, doing that.

25. It's great to talk to you about anything.

26. And we certainly don't need to talk about movies.

27. How about merchandising. You wanna talk about that?

28. That seems to be the new big thing in Hollywood.

29. People merchandise.

30. They make the movie, then they merchandise,

31. and they make more money yet.

32. Yes. So what kind of items would you be

33. merchandising for your new movie?

34. Maybe if we knew that, we could figure out,

35. "Ah, it's a so-and-so doll."

36. We'll work backwards.

37. It's a story about a man who's finding himself.

38. Bullshit. It was an excellent show.

39. Boy, I thought I handled the Levinson interview poorly.

40. Oh, what do you do? You always do this when you're renegotiating your contract.

41. You think so? Larry?

42. How are those contract negotiations going?

43. Oh, hey, Stevie. Hiya, Steve.

44. Uh, they're going good. Good.

45. Oh, yeah, really?

46. Yeah, really.

47. All right. Just remember, you've got the network by the balls.

48. They can't do this job.

49. Thank you, I'll remember that.

50. What brings you here tonight?

51. Oh, I signed Barry Levinson last week.

52. Just came by to hold his hand.

53. Say, listen, if you guys need any help booking guests,

54. just pick up the phone.

55. Listen, I think we've got it under control, young man.

56. Thank you. (clears throat)

57. Hey, uh, if Leo's having a hard time with this thing,

58. I'd sure like to take a shot at it.

59. Leo's got this covered. Thank you, though.

60. Really? Yeah.

61. No problem. Good.

62. All right, Larry, it's good to see you.

63. And, uh, remember, don't let go until you get what you want.

64. Good to know.

65. Fuckin' little snot,

66. he's too busy playin' with his balls to shake my hand.

67. You're always supposed to shake a man's hand.

68. I can't believe they, uh,

69. think that guys the next Mike Ovitz, you know?

70. Excuse me, guys. I can.

71. I'm sorry, you didn't, uh, happen to see Stevie, did ya?

72. Uh, yeah, Barry. He just went down that way.

73. Oh, okay, great. Funny poison oak story today.

74. Oh, really? Thanks. Thank you very much.

75. I'll see you, then, okay?

76. Hey, listen, what is-what-what's the movie you're working on currently?

77. Larry, I already said I didn't really want to talk about it, you know.

78. Oh, I thought that was just out there.

79. Now we're back here, I thought you could tell me what you're working on.

80. Yeah, but back there, back here, what's the difference?

81. I'm still telling you. No, but it's different.

82. That was out there, you know, in front of everybody.

83. Now we're back here. I mean, if you wanted to know

84. who the guests were tomorrow night, I'd tell ya.

85. Okay. Ask me who the guests are tomorrow night.

86. I'd tell ya. The guests?

87. Yeah, ask me. All right, who are the guests?

88. Tomorrow night?

89. Yeah, tomorrow night.

90. Who are the guests tomorrow night?

91. I'd rather not say.

92. Oh, okay. Delight, delight.

93. How did that feel, Barry?

94. Come back. Terrific. Any time.

95. Good, have a good one. All-righty.

96. Talented man. Yeah, but very closed and private.

97. Well, you know, sign of genius, you know.

98. Excuse me. Larry? Leo's waiting in your office for you.

99. Oh, jeez. Okay, I'll be right there.

100. I forgot all about Leo.

101. You know, what am I gonna do about these fuckin' contract negotiations?

102. They're going nowhere. At least Leo knows how to shake a man's hand.

103. Great show tonight, guys.

104. Except, you know, you really should have

105. found out about Levinson's new project,

106. 'cause that's what the audience wants to know.

107. I found out. He just told me.

108. Oh, really? What' he doing?

109. I can't— I can't say.

110. Excuse me.

111. Artie, I need a small favor.

112. Is it okay if I use the stage during the day for the next few weeks?

113. You're not shooting one of those fucking infomercials, are you?

114. No, no, I'm putting together an act.

115. For one of those infomercials. No.

116. Telethon? No, to go on the road.

117. What road?

118. Artie, enough.

119. Okay. Okay.

120. Sit down here with me.

121. What kind of act?

122. Well, some songs, a few jokes,

123. a little, uh, soft-shoe.

124. You know, like Sammy used to do but with a twist.

125. What's the twist?

126. I'm doing it.

127. That's quite a twist, Hank.

128. Why don't you just rehearse at home?

129. Well, I have been, but for the dancing,

130. you see, you need a hard surface,

131. and my place has that wall-to-wall shag.

132. I'm sure your driveway will do just fine.

133. Come on, Artie, this act is a dream of mine, and I—

134. And you need some quick cash.

135. Don't demean my dream.

136. You've sunk all your money in that silly restaurant

137. and now you're completely fucked.

138. 100% fucked.

139. Artie, please.

140. Oh, shit. All right, Hank.

141. Make sure you clean up after yourself

142. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

143. Oh, uh, Artie, I expect to see you and Elaine,

144. front row center at the El Toro Civic Arena

145. exactly four weeks from tonight.

146. Hey, what are you opening with?

147. Uh, "Spinning Wheel", but, you know, with a Latin flavor.

148. Sounds like a showstopper.

149. Oh, it is. It is.

150. Hank, you don't open with a showstopper.

151. So, how's my favorite client?

152. Leo, sorry to keep you waiting.

153. What's the word from the network?

154. Um, you wanna, uh, talk over a drink

155. or you wanna stay here or— either way is fine with me.

156. Either one's fine with me. Here's good. What's the word?

157. Um...

158. Hey! My man! Leo, my man!

159. So, what you been doing with yourself?

160. Oh, I been here, there, everywhere.

161. You know who I bumped into? You remember that redhead—

162. the tall— Georgette, Georgeanne.

163. Leo, come on, could we please talk about the network?

164. I'll never forget her.

165. I, uh, I had lunch with the head of business affairs today.

166. You want, uh, all the details,

167. or do you want the general gist?

168. Just give me the figure.

169. Oh, well, this is their latest offer.

170. Uh, no offense, Artie.

171. None taken.

172. Come on.

173. I've been doing this show for six years, Leo.

174. That's low. Well, it's ballpark, isn't it?

175. Ballpark? I don't know what ballpark you're talking about.

176. I thought we were gonna go after Letterman money.

177. Well, Letterman had to leave a network

178. in order to get that kind of money.

179. I mean, is that the kind of move you want to make?

180. Is it?

181. It's not Leno money, is it?

182. Oh, no, it's much bigger than that.

183. Whew. 'Cause I hear he's getting fucked.

184. He is getting fucked.

185. Look, let's not worry about Leno money or Letterman money.

186. Let's talk about Sanders money.

187. Okay, let's talk about Sanders money.

188. What does Arsenio get? Too much.

189. Yeah, I mean, it's different with him.

190. I mean, he's, uh... syndicated, for one.

191. Well, I just think we can do better, that's all I'm saying.

192. Okay. Good.

193. How much better?

194. What do you mean, how— I want you to tell me how much better.

195. Um...

196. I don't know.

197. Would you just pass on that amount?

198. All right.

199. Uh, Larry, how much of a fight do you want to put up here?

200. I don't want to fight, Leo. I want you to fight, okay?

201. Gotcha!

202. Larry— Hey!

203. Leo! How are you?

204. My gosh! How are you? Gorgeous!

205. It's been so long.

206. Still with these nuts, huh? I know.

207. I always knew you two would get back together.

208. Yeah. How about we celebrate?

209. I take us all out to Musso's, like old times.

210. Great. Can't go tonight— wish I could.

211. Another night, maybe.

212. Well, what about tomorrow night?

213. We could all go to Larry's house.

214. Can you feed this young hellcat, too?

215. Well, I certainly can, and you can bring—

216. Elaine's in Kenya.

217. Another one of her stupid safaris,

218. but I would be delighted to be there, my dear.

219. Great. 7:30-8:00?

220. Are you leaving? Yeah.

221. What? Wasn't I supposed to invite him?

222. No, it was fine.

223. Uh, so, Larry, I'm going to the network tomorrow,

224. and I'll talk to you as, uh, as soon as I hear something.

225. Great. Great.

226. Well, I mean, would you rather me talk to them tonight?

227. Whichever, Leo.

228. Tomorrow or today or tomorrow or tonight,

229. whatever works for you.

230. Well, I'll try to talk to them tonight, but if I can't,

231. tomorrow's okay, right? Good.

232. Well, okay, I-I'll see you tomorrow. Good night.

233. Good night.

234. What's going on? Is there a problem with Leo?

235. Larry's thinking of getting rid of Leo.

236. Aren't you?

237. You can't fire Leo after all these years.

238. I don't know what you guys are talking about?

239. Beverly? Yes?

240. This is Stevie Grant. Hi.

241. Beverly, my assistant. The voice on the phone.

242. Well, you're even lovelier in person.

243. Well, thank you.

244. Coming from an agent,

245. I'll take that with a grain of salt.

246. Look out. She's a sassy one.

247. I beg your pardon?

248. Beverly, could I have my messages, please?

249. Uh, yeah, here they are. Thank you. Thank you.

250. How was Spago? Oh, it was great.

251. We saw Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep?

252. Yeah. Really?

253. She's a client. She's a big pain in the ass.

254. She's very nice. Well, she's an actress.

255. Well, she seems very nice, really.

256. Hey now!

257. Mr. Stevie Grant.

258. Well, if it isn't the king of the couch, Hank Kingsley.

259. Well, what a pleasure this is.

260. Mr. Stevie Grant. This is, uh— this is an honor.

261. The honor is mine, sir. Well, thank you.

262. Uh, Stevie, listen,

263. I don't know what you're doing, uh, next week,

264. but, uh, I'm previewing something at the Reseda Playhouse

265. that I think you might be awfully interested in.

266. Uh, maybe you and your special person could drop by?

267. I'm there, Hank. That's great.

268. So, Stevie, you're, uh, tickets will be at will call

269. under Mr. Stevie Grant, super agent, plus one.

270. Great. Great.

271. Great. Uh, Stevie?

272. Can I ask you, uh, you know, what night?

273. What night?

274. Let's play it by ear, honcho. Okay.

275. Big guy.

276. (clicking) Yeah? Hank! Hank, Hank!

277. Is it my imagination or are you clicking?

278. Yeah, these are the... you know, tap shoes.

279. Why?

280. For dancing, silly.

281. Silly you. Silly me.

282. Oh, uh, Bev, Bev, uh, call Darlene

283. and tell her I need that five-pound bag of sand onstage.

284. ASAP.

285. Five-pound bag of sand? Five-pound bag of sand.

286. He's doing that big tap number from "Lawrence of Arabia."

287. (laughs) It's a killer.

288. Tell me the truth, Stevie.

289. You take your clients to lunch,

290. you don't buy 'em all frozen yogurt, though, do you?

291. Just you, Larry. Good to know.

292. So, Larry, are we, uh...

293. On? Yeah.

294. (sighs) Yeah.

295. Boom! You're number one! Ha ha!

296. I'll have you come down the agency

297. and sign some contracts, all right?

298. Yeah, well, I like to, uh, close all my deals

299. with just a handshake, if that's all right.

300. Me, too!

301. Good.

302. I'll send some contracts over for you to sign in the morning.

303. Oh, you got company. Oh, Artie, a pleasure.

304. Really excited, Larry.

305. I'll call you when I have some news.

306. Geez, and I learned how to shake a man's hand

307. before I learned how to wipe my own ass.

308. Different style, that's all, Artie.

309. Argh, that kind of style got men fragged in the corps.

310. Yeah, well, I just signed with him.

311. Oh, Christ. What?

312. Do you always fuck on the first date?

313. It just so happens he's good. Good at what, lunch?

314. He got us Billy Murray for Friday.

315. No shit? That's right.

316. (cackles) You know all Leno's got on Friday?

317. Sandra Bernhardt and Carrot Top.

318. What the fuck is that?

319. That's Hank. He's rehearsing on the stage.

320. It's coming through the air vent.

321. Well, that ridiculous.

322. I know, I know.

323. I-I told him to go with a samba, not with a salsa

324. if he's gonna do a Latin thing.

325. Listen, Leo will, uh, not take this personally, huh? Right?

326. Oh, no. I mean, he'll understand, won't he?

327. Of course. Good.

328. It's just business. Just business.

329. Right? Good.

330. Poor Leo.

331. Isn't it "come down"?

332. He's scatting.

333. Leo, you want some ice cream?

334. No, ever since I had this tooth removed,

335. I'm really, uh, sensitive to cold on this side.

336. Artie? Dairy clogs me up, Francine.

337. I'll stick with my Salty Dog.

338. Larry?

339. Oh, goes right to my hips.

340. I'll have a little. I'll-I'll eat on the left side.

341. I thought so. You just say when.

342. Just give me my, uh, standard 10% of Larry's portion.

343. Come on, let's not talk about business tonight.

344. We're having this nice little dinner. Come on.

345. What are you talking about?

346. All right, I had lunch with Stevie Grant.

347. You had lunch with Stevie Grant?

348. (tapping glass) Hey, clog me up, Francine.

349. Ah, the hell with it.

350. You had lunch with... with Stevie Grant?

351. Uh, Francine, dear, let me help you with the di-dishes.

352. I think you should have at least mentioned this to Leo before now.

353. It's not that big a deal.

354. Francine, you wash, I'll dry.

355. Larry has a dishwasher.

356. Leo, I had no idea.

357. All right, dear, you rinse, I'll load.

358. It was a little lunch. Why are we making such—

359. Do you want me to help?

360. Nope, you stay right there.

361. Hang in there, Leo.

362. I mean, if you're— if you're unhappy about anything,

363. I-I-I can do it, you know, differently.

364. I mean, if you want me to do anything differently,

365. just-just tell me.

366. I mean, is-is this— anything that I do

367. that-that annoys you?

368. No. No. I just thought it was time for some changes.

369. And I had a little lunch.

370. But why? Let's— What-what can we change here?

371. Nothing.

372. I'm going with Stevie.

373. It is— It is a business decision.

374. This is not— Doesn't have to affect our friendship.

375. Please, Leo, don't do this.

376. Oh, not the nuts.

377. You know... Leo!

378. Hey, Larry!

379. Doc! Good to see you, man.

380. Good to see you. How you doing?

381. See you brought your Mahjong set with you.

382. Oh, never without it.

383. So, you doin' panel or are you doin' a number?

384. I'm doing a number. Good. Good.

385. Well, you look good. You look like you've been workin' out.

386. No— thick shirt. Well, it works for you.

387. Hey, I had lunch with Leo yesterday at, uh, Musso's.

388. How's he doing? I'm gonna tell you, he was destroyed.

389. I mean, you were his biggest client.

390. Yeah. You know, Doc, I feel awful about the thing with Leo, but...

391. No, no. Lighten up.

392. I mean, you know, the only reason I stay with Leo

393. is because he goes on the road with me.

394. But he hasn't done shit for my career.

395. I men, he shit all over my career.

396. Right. Good. Well, all right, I hear you.

397. We see that eye to eye.

398. (laughs) See you later.

399. How's Emily, good? Oh, she's doing good.

400. Tell her I said hi. I'll tell her— Okay. Bye.

401. Hey, Syd, nice to see you.

402. Hey! Hey!

403. How you doing, man?

404. Doc, it's good— I'm thrilled you did— oh, no.

405. I trying to go easy on my pipes, you know.

406. I'm saving it for the people.

407. Uh, Doc, listen,

408. can I, uh, pop a couple of ideas off of you about my act?

409. You have an act?

410. Just like Ed McMahon. You have an act.

411. Well, I wear many hats, you know.

412. That's quite an act. (laughs)

413. Okay, here it is. Okay.

414. The curtains part and there's a, you know, 30-piece orchestra

415. in tuxedos, but every musician has a moustache, you know?

416. Because you have to have a sense of humor about yourself.

417. Is that right? Yeah.

418. Uh, how about all bald guys?

419. Okay, okay, okay. Now, what's funny about that?

420. Tell Melanie 5:30 instead of 6:00.

421. Larry. Hello. Hi, Shel.

422. Good to see you.

423. Well, this is a fortuitous encounter.

424. Floor?

425. I'm just going up to the commissary.

426. Oh, special today... macaroni and cheese.

427. I know, my favorite.

428. Sounds like one of those cop shows you'd have on, doesn't it?

429. He's Italian, she's from Wisconsin.

430. Macaroni and Cheese. (laughing)

431. You are so funny, Larry.

432. I was so surprised to hear that you were

433. thinking of leaving the network.

434. What, is this your way of firing me, Shel?

435. No, no, but that Stevie Grant is such a tough negotiator

436. I tell you, I didn't know you were so unhappy,

437. but I can't believe you're gonna be moving to New York.

438. Well... New York?

439. I have mixed emotions about that, you know?

440. I mean, do you really think you'd be happy

441. living in New York?

442. I... (coughs)

443. I like New York.

444. Uh, you know, the, uh, museums, the park, you know.

445. You can walk everywhere.

446. I just wish those bean counters at Unideck

447. would give me a bigger budget.

448. I would, but— I understand that, Sheldon.

449. I know how that works.

450. Stevie Grant has no fears.

451. Well, of course, it isn't his career he's playing with.

452. At any rate,

453. I wish you happiness wherever you land, Lar.

454. Thank you, Shel.

455. And I mean that from my heart as a friend.

456. What a pain in the ass.

457. Why are you telling 'em I wanna move to New York?

458. I-I don't want to move to New York.

459. Larry, Larry, Larry, nobody's going to New York.

460. This is all about leverage.

461. About leverage. Mm-hmm.

462. You don't like New York?

463. I happen to, uh, you know, hate New York.

464. But on the show, you're always talking about

465. what a great city it is.

466. Well, uh, I also happen to talk about

467. what a great city Jacksonville is

468. because we have affiliates there.

469. Larry, you let me handle this, all right?

470. You just concentrate on doing a good show, because, frankly,

471. there's a lot of syndication people out there—

472. Syndication? Yes, syndication.

473. Uh-huh, syndication.

474. If-if we can't make a deal with one of the networks,

475. screw 'em!

476. When did this become a "screw 'em" situation?

477. Just roughly.

478. Well, it's a very complex deal, Larry.

479. I mean, you don't want to know all the specifics, okay.

480. Just remember one thing,

481. if anybody asks, you're dying to move to New York.

482. You know, that is easy for you to say.

483. There are gonna be people on this show

484. who are gonna wanna know how these negations are going?

485. Trust nobody on this— And I—

486. Hey, trust nobody on this, Larry, okay?

487. Promise me.

488. Oh, man.

489. All right, can I just tell Francine?

490. I'd rather you didn't.

491. Oh.

492. Okay.

493. Who's Francine?

494. Yeah, see...

495. Tommy, I think— you see, right there, you know?

496. I think we need to punch it, you know?

497. When I go...

498. You know? Just sort of punch it with the horns or something?

499. We don't have any horns, Hank.

500. Could be worse. You could be in Leno's band.

501. You owe me big for this.

502. Excuse me, uh, how much would the horns cost?

503. A-ha. Okay.

504. You know what? I think I'm just gonna sing the "bwah."

505. I mean, you know, make it like a joke.

506. That's funny, huh?

507. (chuckles) Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas.

508. You gotta give him that.

509. Listen, this, uh, Stevie Grant

510. is just totally out of fuckin' control.

511. So, where you gonna live, huh? Upper West Side? Tribeca?

512. Maybe you and me could bunk up together in the Village.

513. Listen, what have you heard exactly?

514. Huh! Hank!

515. It's step, tap, tap, not step, step, tap.

516. Got it?

517. Artie, I just don't know

518. if Stevie Grant knows what he's doin' at all.

519. What is this? All this New York rumor just a bunch of bullshit?

520. I'm just happen to be keeping my options open, okay?

521. Oh, no, no, no, Hank.

522. No, no, no. No, no, guys.

523. Something's not right.

524. I think, uh, right there, I think we need, uh...

525. I don't know, like a bassoon in the chorus.

526. You know? I mean, uh...

527. I mean, do any of you guys have a bassoon in your car?

528. A bassoon? Yeah.

529. Okay, that's fine. We don't need it.

530. I'll just...

531. You gotta let Mr. Stevie Grant do his thing.

532. Yeah, well, his thing scares me.

533. Hank can do the "bwah" without the horns.

534. I think so. Don't you? I don't know.

535. Larry! Hey, Stevie.

536. Hank just forced me to sit through that act of his.

537. Oh. How can you stand it?

538. What, that bad, was it?

539. It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen.

540. Hey, you should really consider

541. replacing him if New York happens.

542. I thought you said that New York

543. was just a leverage device, that I wasn't going to New York.

544. It was, but, you know, the agency

545. has a very good relationship with King World

546. and they like the sound of New York.

547. Yeah, well, so does Liza Minnelli, but, you know,

548. that doesn't mean I want to go to New York.

549. You have to start to trust me. Really, because we can't...

550. Uh, I just— sorry.

551. I saw you, you know, standing there, you were watching,

552. I just think— You have any notes or anything?

553. It was excellent, Hank.

554. Really? Just excellent.

555. Really? Thank you.

556. It was good. What can I say?

557. You're a quadruple threat.

558. You're a singer, a dancer, a raconteur and a singer again,

559. because your just that good.

560. Oh, thanks. I will just take that as a vote of confidence.

561. You do that, my friend.

562. Wow. That's pretty great, huh?

563. Huh? Yeah, good. Good.

564. Because he made it sound like he's gonna represent Hank,

565. and I know that he never will.

566. Uh-oh. What, you stick yourself?

567. Uh, Hank fired his agent this afternoon.

568. See, I told you. Because he thinks that, uh,

569. Stevie's gonna represent him, right?

570. Well, it would appear so.

571. I hate that little prick.

572. Larry, I tell you, I never liked him.

573. He's a liar. It's sickening, Artie.

574. You know, I don't care if this is the way

575. people do business in show business,

576. I don't want to be around it.

577. Why don't you just let him take the commission?

578. Then you can go back to Leo.

579. Leo's not right either. I don't know what to do.

580. I can't stay with Stevie, he's two-faced.

581. And he's weird. He's just plain weird, Artie.

582. I got the new offer from the network.

583. Uh, I'll leave you two alone.

584. Listen, Stevie, before I, uh—

585. Just check it out. Yeah, all right, sit down.

586. Uh, before I check this out,

587. there's some things I gotta talk to you about.

588. I've been thinking a lot today about a lot of stuff and...

589. have a lot of things on my mind...

590. that I want to mention to you.

591. So, it was nice doing business with you.

592. Yeah, yeah. Okay, then.

593. Good thanks. Okay, then.

594. Artie, a pleasure dealing with you.

595. Same here, kiddo.

596. Little prick. Sickening.

597. Uh, Larry? Are we going to the Dodgers games

598. tomorrow night or is that Friday?

599. Friday.

600. See you Friday, Stevie!