1. Now, that sign says...Copy !req
2. "applesauce."Copy !req
3. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
4. I'm kidding,
it says "applause."Copy !req
5. Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?Copy !req
6. All right.Copy !req
7. Now, remember, you're all—Copy !req
8. you're all a big part
of the show.Copy !req
9. So the better you are,
the better Larry is.Copy !req
10. Okay, now you see
this gentleman?Copy !req
11. Now, he's giving me this, uh,
this sign and it says,Copy !req
12. "We're on in 10 seconds,Copy !req
13. "so get ready to have
a good time."Copy !req
14. Now, here we go.Copy !req
15. This is exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
16. In... five, four,
three, two...Copy !req
17. Live on tape from Hollywood,Copy !req
18. "The Larry Sanders Show."Copy !req
19. Tonight, join Larry
and his guests,Copy !req
20. Emma Thompson...Copy !req
21. Frank Langella...Copy !req
22. comedian Hugh Fink...Copy !req
23. and me, "Hey Now"
Hank Kingsley.Copy !req
24. And now, because
the governor called...Copy !req
25. Larry Sanders!Copy !req
26. Thank you.Copy !req
27. Thank you.Copy !req
28. Welcome.Copy !req
29. Welcome aboard.Copy !req
30. Welcome.Copy !req
31. Thank you very much.Copy !req
32. Thank you, let's get
right to the, uh...Copy !req
33. right to the big news,
of course, that pertains to us.Copy !req
34. Former sidekick Ed McMahon
is suing the "Star"Copy !req
35. for calling him a drunk.Copy !req
36. Now, I feel that, uh,
of course,Copy !req
37. we have to stand up for Ed,Copy !req
38. and I know that Hank—Copy !req
39. I don't know where the tabloids
get these ideas.Copy !req
40. Hank, you know and hang out
with Ed.Copy !req
41. Yes.Copy !req
42. Could you clear this right—
clear this up right now for us?Copy !req
43. Yes, I can.Copy !req
44. I, uh, I know for a fact
that Ed is not a drunk.Copy !req
45. Well, there you have it.Copy !req
46. Thank you.Copy !req
47. Thank you.Copy !req
48. Thank you for clearing that up.Copy !req
49. He is on crack.Copy !req
50. But, uh, kids?Copy !req
51. Just say no.Copy !req
52. The, uh...Copy !req
53. Back to me.Copy !req
54. The Kennedys are selling
their famous Palm Beach estate.Copy !req
55. Without any renovation,Copy !req
56. it's being turned
into a T.G.I. Friday's.Copy !req
57. And by the way,
for some of you wondering...Copy !req
58. Please, no more jokes.Copy !req
59. the wet T-shirt contest
will still be on Tuesdays.Copy !req
60. No more jokes, Larry.Copy !req
61. Michael Jackson has purchased
a 12-foot albino snakeCopy !req
62. and named it— absolutely true—
he's named it Madonna.Copy !req
63. Now...Copy !req
64. It's me.Copy !req
65. God, you scared
the shit out of me.Copy !req
66. There's someone on the roof.
What?Copy !req
67. There's— I— shh.
Listen, there's a sound.Copy !req
68. I heard a sound on the roof.
Listen.Copy !req
69. Maybe it—
Shh!Copy !req
70. Maybe it was a squirrel.Copy !req
71. Squirrel, my ass.Copy !req
72. It was something really big.Copy !req
73. It's one of those
fuckin' tour buses.Copy !req
74. Maybe someone jumped off
and ran up onto the roof.Copy !req
75. Yeah, that's probably
what it was.
Yeah.Copy !req
76. Your address is
on all those maps.Copy !req
77. I know.Copy !req
78. How'd you know that?Copy !req
79. When my sister was in town,
she went to seeCopy !req
80. where Tony Danza lives.
Oh.Copy !req
81. Nice vacation.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
82. Your sister's
not in town, is she?Copy !req
83. Good morning.Copy !req
84. Hey, who's on
the show tonight?Copy !req
85. Gloria Estefan,
Michael Richards...Copy !req
86. Yeah, hey, have you been, uh,
keeping any mail from me?Copy !req
87. Any threatening letters,
anything I should know about?Copy !req
88. No, no more than usual.Copy !req
89. Wait a minute,
what's the usual?Copy !req
90. Larry, you asked me
not to tell you.Copy !req
91. Well, I think you should
tell me from now on, okay?Copy !req
92. Why, did you have
some kind of incident?Copy !req
93. No, no, I had no kind
of incident.Copy !req
94. I just, you know,
these things happen.Copy !req
95. Look at that woman who breaks
into Letterman's houseCopy !req
96. every other night.Copy !req
97. Uh-huh, you had an incident.
I had no kind of incident.Copy !req
98. Larry, I can call
this guy if you want.Copy !req
99. Who's that?Copy !req
100. Whitewood Security Systems.
No...Copy !req
101. They specialize in
a celebrity clientele.
No, no, no.Copy !req
102. It's the same guy
Stallone uses.Copy !req
103. Let me see.Copy !req
104. "John Lennon, Sharon Tate,
these unfortunate incidencesCopy !req
105. "could have been prevented
by adequate security"?Copy !req
106. They're just preying
on people's fears.Copy !req
107. Get it out of here.
That's sick.
Throw it away?Copy !req
108. Throw it away.Copy !req
109. No, just— let me see.Copy !req
110. Who's on the show tonight,
by the way?Copy !req
111. Gloria Estefan,
Michael Richards...
Yeah.Copy !req
112. and the winner
of the Larry Sanders
Look-alike Contest.Copy !req
113. Alec Baldwin won, didn't he?Copy !req
114. Well, I... like to vacation
in Hawaii.Copy !req
115. That's wild, so do I.Copy !req
116. I know.Copy !req
117. In... fact, I always stay
where you stay.Copy !req
118. When I'm in Hawaii,
I stay at the Kapalua Bay,Copy !req
119. just like you.Copy !req
120. This is wild.Copy !req
121. I even stay
in your favorite room.Copy !req
122. You know, 714, the one
with the bathtub.Copy !req
123. Yeah.Copy !req
124. And the shower.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
125. Listen, it's just great
having you here.Copy !req
126. I wish we had more time.Copy !req
127. Me too.Copy !req
128. Well, listen, uh, thanks
for coming here tonight.Copy !req
129. Congratulations
on winning the contest.Copy !req
130. And, uh, I want to say
to you folks at home,Copy !req
131. thank you,
see you tomorrow night,Copy !req
132. and I promise, no guests
will look like me.Copy !req
133. Sleep well.Copy !req
134. Good job.Copy !req
135. Good job to you.Copy !req
136. Good job, Larry.Copy !req
137. Good job.Copy !req
138. Good job.Copy !req
139. We are clear.Copy !req
140. All I'm saying, Artie,
is if it was a squirrel,Copy !req
141. it must've weighed 140 pounds
and been able to walk erect.Copy !req
142. Well, I still say
you should goCopy !req
143. with the 12-foot
electrical fence.Copy !req
144. Don't you think
that's a little gaudy?Copy !req
145. Gaudy, hell,
fry the motherfuckers.Copy !req
146. Uh, Larry, Artie,
what do you think, huh?Copy !req
147. Hank Look-alike Contest
next week.Copy !req
148. Huh, yeah, oh,
you guys look likeCopy !req
149. the two Captain Kirk episode
from "Star Trek."Copy !req
150. Right,
"Incident on Rigel VII."Copy !req
151. "Don't endanger
the ship, Spock.Copy !req
152. "Kill us both."Copy !req
153. You're a gifted man.
Oh, thanks.Copy !req
154. You know, maybe one night
I could do it on the ship.Copy !req
155. Uh, not this, uh...Copy !req
156. Larry, for God sakes,
if you don't want
to get any security,Copy !req
157. at least let me come homeCopy !req
158. and sit around
with you tonight.Copy !req
159. I took out
the bar, Artie.Copy !req
160. Oh, young people.Copy !req
161. Hey, what the fuck
you doing?Copy !req
162. He's sniffing
my jacket, Artie.Copy !req
163. I just want to see what kind
of cologne Larry wears.Copy !req
164. Because I know Larry's
birthday's coming up
on the 19th and I want...Copy !req
165. Hey, hey.Copy !req
166. Easy, Artie.Copy !req
167. Sit down!
Hey.Copy !req
168. Oh, what might this be?Copy !req
169. Francine.Copy !req
170. I just want to get
a copy of itCopy !req
171. because I know
Larry's seeing her again,Copy !req
172. and I just— ow!Copy !req
173. You'll be very sorry if you
don't stop treating me this...Copy !req
174. way!Copy !req
175. Artie, Artie, stop it.
You're gonna hurt Larry.Copy !req
176. Get off me, you buffalo!Copy !req
177. Hank!Copy !req
178. The guy looked nothing
like me, by the way.Copy !req
179. He looked like Linda Hunt,
if you ask me.Copy !req
180. And as I'm driving home,
I realize this guy's
tailing me.Copy !req
181. How could he— how do you know
he was tailing you?Copy !req
182. Because I made a left,
he made a left,Copy !req
183. then I made a right,
he made a right.Copy !req
184. I made a left and a right
and a left,Copy !req
185. and the guy did exactly
the same thing.Copy !req
186. Then what happened when
you pulled in your driveway?Copy !req
187. He drove by.
He went right by.Copy !req
188. Which is exactly what I would do
if I was stalking somebody.Copy !req
189. I'd see where they livedCopy !req
190. and I'd come back
later to kill him.Copy !req
191. Yeah.Copy !req
192. Can you hand me that notepad
that's down— right.Copy !req
193. What are you working on?
Thanks.Copy !req
194. I'm doing this piece on what's
gonna happen to junk bondsCopy !req
195. now that Mike Milken's
gotten out of jail.Copy !req
196. Fuck him.
I know.Copy !req
197. You know that guy, he doesn't
even wear a toupee anymoreCopy !req
198. because he realized,
once he was in prison,Copy !req
199. that you don't need hair
to be attractive.Copy !req
200. Do you want me
to take you seriously?Copy !req
201. Yes.Copy !req
202. Okay, but I only have
time to humorCopy !req
203. one neurotic obsession
right now.Copy !req
204. I understand.
Are we choosing this one?Copy !req
205. Yes, yeah.Copy !req
206. And the next time
we'll choose one of mine?Copy !req
207. Okay.Copy !req
208. All right.Copy !req
209. First of all, how can you be
sure it's the same guyCopy !req
210. that was in the office?Copy !req
211. Come on.
Who do you think it could be?Copy !req
212. These people,
they think of you as a god.Copy !req
213. They think of you
as somethingCopy !req
214. way beyond
an ordinary human being.Copy !req
215. That's one of the things
that's fuckedCopy !req
216. about being a celebrity.Copy !req
217. Yeah, or living with one
or having sex with oneCopy !req
218. or a relationship or whatever
it is we're doing here.Copy !req
219. Oh, you know, you should
finish your article.Copy !req
220. Yeah, I got a deadline
tomorrow.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
221. But...
No, I'm fine.Copy !req
222. I'd be willing to talk to you
if you want to just—
I know.Copy !req
223. It's okay, I'll stop.
Good.Copy !req
224. I'll shut up.
Okay.Copy !req
225. I should be disciplined.
Yeah, I know.Copy !req
226. Hey.
What are you doing?Copy !req
227. Someone just ran by.Copy !req
228. Oh, it's okay,
it's Tom Hanks.Copy !req
229. He always jogs at this time.Copy !req
230. Tom!Copy !req
231. Wait a minute,
what would it costCopy !req
232. just to have the same bunker
that Saddam Hussein has?Copy !req
233. Is that expensive?
It's that secure.Copy !req
234. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
235. Ha, we're gonna, uh, wire up
all the windowsCopy !req
236. with an invisible filament
that, if broken,Copy !req
237. will sound an alarm
at our office.Copy !req
238. Why don't you just put
those big iron bars on too,Copy !req
239. so I can feel like I live like
the Birdman of Alcatraz, huh?Copy !req
240. Are you familiar with a book
called "Helter Skelter"?Copy !req
241. Jack, the hard sell
isn't really necessary.Copy !req
242. I'm just trying to give
Mr. SandersCopy !req
243. the hard, cold reality
of the situation.Copy !req
244. We don't usually operate
that way around here, Jack.Copy !req
245. Where did you get this blueprint
of my house, by the way?Copy !req
246. It's on file
at the assessor's office.Copy !req
247. Readily available
to any random kook out there.Copy !req
248. I'm sure that there's
an extensive application processCopy !req
249. required to get
this kind of material.Copy !req
250. Yeah, it wasn't really that
that I was concerned about.Copy !req
251. I just can't believe
that I spent the moneyCopy !req
252. to have the bathroom moved
from here to over here.Copy !req
253. That was a wise
decision, kiddo.Copy !req
254. Who wants to walk that far
in the middle of the nightCopy !req
255. to take a shit?Copy !req
256. That's what I was figuring.Copy !req
257. So, are we a go
with this configuration?Copy !req
258. Well, is this the same
configurationCopy !req
259. that Dave Letterman has?Copy !req
260. Mr. Sanders, I'm sure
you'll understandCopy !req
261. I can't comment on that.Copy !req
262. Just as I would not tell
Mr. LettermanCopy !req
263. about your configuration
if he asked me.Copy !req
264. I understand that.Copy !req
265. Has he ever asked
about my configuration?Copy !req
266. Larry, would you like
a brownie?Copy !req
267. Oh, thank you, Darlene.
Sure.Copy !req
268. Beverly?Copy !req
269. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
270. Mmm, coconut?
Yeah.Copy !req
271. Your mom make these?Copy !req
272. No, a fan sent them in
for you and Hank.Copy !req
273. Why didn't you say something?
What?Copy !req
274. Who knows what could be
in these?Copy !req
275. I don't know,
they didn't send the recipe.Copy !req
276. Well, take—
take them.Copy !req
277. Yeah, I want one.Copy !req
278. So you want me to hire
a taster for you?Copy !req
279. No, we don't need
to hire a taster.Copy !req
280. Just have that
weird intern do it.Copy !req
281. Larry?Copy !req
282. Hank, Jesus.Copy !req
283. How long have you
been sitting there?Copy !req
284. A few minutes, I— I wanted
to wait for the right time.Copy !req
285. Yeah, good choice.Copy !req
286. Larry.
What's up?Copy !req
287. You don't understand.Copy !req
288. I think you're being
paranoid, but I—Copy !req
289. I just want you to know,
from one celebrity to another,Copy !req
290. I know exactly how you feel.Copy !req
291. Because it is scary
out there.Copy !req
292. But if you believe
you have an obsessed fan,Copy !req
293. I believe you have
an obsessed fan.Copy !req
294. Thanks.Copy !req
295. What do you got?Copy !req
296. What are you doing?Copy !req
297. What are you doing,
a fucking puppet show?Copy !req
298. What are you—
what are you...?Copy !req
299. Say hello
to peace of mind.Copy !req
300. What did you—
what did you...?Copy !req
301. Is this loaded?
No, no, no.Copy !req
302. Where did you get this?Copy !req
303. Well, let's just say
I got it, okay?Copy !req
304. Just— enough said.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.Copy !req
305. All right.
Where did you get it?Copy !req
306. Okay, this is
the original handgun...
Uh-huh.Copy !req
307. fired by Jack Lord
on "Hawaii Five-O."Copy !req
308. He gave it to me
on my birthday.Copy !req
309. See, "Jack Lord."Copy !req
310. Wow, you must be
a very big fan, is that it?Copy !req
311. No, no, I've never
actually seen it.Copy !req
312. Don't you tell Jack if you,
you know, if you bump into him.Copy !req
313. It stays between us.
Thanks.
You see,Copy !req
314. it's a solid steel cast.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
315. It's got a groove grip.Copy !req
316. This is the handle.Copy !req
317. This baby is
a 9-millimeter Beretta.Copy !req
318. Apparently it's the most
efficient handgun in the world.Copy !req
319. Yeah, well, it's a beauty.Copy !req
320. Here.
No, no-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
321. Please.Copy !req
322. No, I have no handgun
training whatsoever, Hank.Copy !req
323. I don't think...
Me neither,Copy !req
324. but apparently
you just point and squeeze.Copy !req
325. I mean, that's what
they tell me.Copy !req
326. That's what who tells you?Copy !req
327. Don't ask.Copy !req
328. Oh, Larry, my boy!Copy !req
329. Artie?Copy !req
330. Am I interrupting?Copy !req
331. No.Copy !req
332. Corbin Bernsen and Phil Hartman
are, as Arsenio says,Copy !req
333. in the house.Copy !req
334. Might want to stop and say hi
before the show.Copy !req
335. And Jack's people
are putting in metal detectorsCopy !req
336. at the studio entrances.Copy !req
337. So, Hank?Copy !req
338. Yes, sir?Copy !req
339. Hand it over.Copy !req
340. This?Copy !req
341. I'll hang onto this.Copy !req
342. Thank you.Copy !req
343. Sorry.Copy !req
344. Here he comes now.Copy !req
345. Larry?Copy !req
346. Hey!
Hey, Corbin.Copy !req
347. How are ya?
Phil, listen,Copy !req
348. thanks for coming tonight,
really appreciate it.Copy !req
349. No problem, no problem.
Larry, Larry, Larry.Copy !req
350. What's with all
the extra security?Copy !req
351. Oh, you know, we always have
a little extra securityCopy !req
352. when we have the big stars
like you guys on.Copy !req
353. That's why you're the king.Copy !req
354. You loaded tonight?Copy !req
355. Ha-ha.
Just a little.Copy !req
356. Yeah, that's what
I thought.Copy !req
357. Actually, I'm just having some
problems with an obsessed fan.Copy !req
358. Oh, I'm sorry, uh,
it's really scary.Copy !req
359. I've got a ton of those.Copy !req
360. You've got a ton
of obsessive fans?Copy !req
361. I didn't even know your show
was still on the air.Copy !req
362. Yes, Phil, in fact, we got
the old producers back.Copy !req
363. The show's getting really
exciting again.Copy !req
364. You should tune in sometime.Copy !req
365. I will tune in.Copy !req
366. Oh, by the way, aren't you
like the only guyCopy !req
367. on "Saturday Night Live"
who doesn't have some
big movie deal beast?Copy !req
368. Come on, come on,
come on, huh?Copy !req
369. Come on, come on.
We're all in the same business.Copy !req
370. Kidding, kidding,
kidding.Copy !req
371. Everyone's career's
doing fine.Copy !req
372. All right?
Okay, good.Copy !req
373. All right, you guys
have fun out there.Copy !req
374. You know what I do?
You know what I do?Copy !req
375. The people
who work for me,Copy !req
376. have them contact
the really obsessed onesCopy !req
377. and every six months
or so,Copy !req
378. we set up
a little meeting.Copy !req
379. You're kidding.
No.Copy !req
380. No, I, uh, let 'em spend
five or 10 minutes with me.Copy !req
381. On one condition,Copy !req
382. they leave me alone
for the rest of the time.Copy !req
383. Larry, what I like to do is
have a huge slumber partyCopy !req
384. with all my obsessed fans.Copy !req
385. We break out the sleeping bags,
order pizza,Copy !req
386. watch everything
I've ever done on video,Copy !req
387. and then spend hours and hours
talking about me.Copy !req
388. It's great.
Very funny, Phil.Copy !req
389. Seriously...Copy !req
390. it neutralizes them.Copy !req
391. In fact, I've got one of them
with me right now.Copy !req
392. Get out of here.
I do.Copy !req
393. The guy in the green vest.Copy !req
394. The guy in the green...?Copy !req
395. In the...?Copy !req
396. I know you.
Hi, how you—
how you doing?Copy !req
397. You're a friend of Corbin's,
aren't you?Copy !req
398. Yeah.Copy !req
399. It's nice for them.Copy !req
400. Yeah.Copy !req
401. I just took 10 of my fans
on a Caribbean cruise.Copy !req
402. You ever do that?
No.Copy !req
403. It's great
to have you guys here.Copy !req
404. Really.Copy !req
405. All right, who's the guy
with the sunglasses?Copy !req
406. Is he an obsessed fan?Copy !req
407. Oh, that's my manager,
Marc Gurvitz.Copy !req
408. Well, get him out of here.
He scares me.Copy !req
409. First segment, we load you up
with a bunch of Hank Kingsley
commemorative hand towels.Copy !req
410. You go up into the audience,Copy !req
411. you ask them
their worst vacation...Copy !req
412. I'm not going
into the audience.Copy !req
413. Security thing.
What else you got?Copy !req
414. What—Copy !req
415. What if we had—Copy !req
416. Do we have to pitch
with that guy in here?Copy !req
417. 'Cause he's kinda
throwing me off.Copy !req
418. He's putting in
all the new locks.Copy !req
419. You know, this is really
important, can't wait.Copy !req
420. Okay.Copy !req
421. Um, what if we had people come
down from the audienceCopy !req
422. and you could put 'em
on the panel...?Copy !req
423. I just don't think the idea
itself is that funny.Copy !req
424. That's all.
No, it's hilarious.Copy !req
425. No, it isn't.
Take my word for it.Copy !req
426. You want to try it?
Fred?Copy !req
427. Fred, is it Fred?
Yeah.Copy !req
428. What is your— what is
your best vacation?Copy !req
429. Worst vacation.
Ask him again.Copy !req
430. Worst, sorry.Copy !req
431. What is your worst
vacation?Copy !req
432. Uh, I lost $250 in Reno.Copy !req
433. How?
Slots.Copy !req
434. Slots.Copy !req
435. Okay.
All right.Copy !req
436. What about Hillary Clinton
diary piece?Copy !req
437. The whole thing
is in code.Copy !req
438. It's actually—
it's a music box.Copy !req
439. Beverly, would you bring
the, uh, alarm configuration—Copy !req
440. Huh?Copy !req
441. Beverly, bring the alarm
configuration in here, please.Copy !req
442. Oh, okay.
Thank you.Copy !req
443. Sorry, sorry, you guys.
Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
444. I'm with you now, man.
The Bill Clinton—Copy !req
445. Hillary Clinton,
Hillary Clinton diary piece.Copy !req
446. Should it be
Bill Clinton diary?Copy !req
447. He's the president
of the United States.
Yeah, I know.Copy !req
448. That's not this joke.
Well...Copy !req
449. Maybe we should come back
a little later?Copy !req
450. Would that be...?Copy !req
451. I'm— oh.
I see what you're—Copy !req
452. you think I'm overreactingCopy !req
453. to this whole security thing,
don't you?Copy !req
454. That's what it is.
That's 'cause you're not
on TV every night.Copy !req
455. You don't know
what it feels like.Copy !req
456. You're not out there having
tour buses go by your houseCopy !req
457. with fuckin' psychos coming in
to smell your clothes, so...Copy !req
458. We didn't say anything.Copy !req
459. No, you're insinuating
my concentration is fucked.Copy !req
460. If I'm not mistaken.Copy !req
461. So Bill Clinton's diary...Copy !req
462. I can't— I can't think
about that right now.Copy !req
463. Larry?Copy !req
464. Larry, Francine just called.Copy !req
465. The security people caught
somebody in your house.Copy !req
466. Here.
You're kidding.Copy !req
467. Yeah.Copy !req
468. Is she okay?Copy !req
469. She sounded a little shaken,
but she's fine.Copy !req
470. Everything's all right?
Yeah, she's fine.Copy !req
471. What do you two assholes
have to say now?Copy !req
472. No, I don't live here.Copy !req
473. See, I just started seeing
my ex-husband again.Copy !req
474. And I always end up
staying over here.Copy !req
475. I don't know why,
but consequently,Copy !req
476. I always end up leaving
for work from here,Copy !req
477. which is a pain in the ass
because my apartment isCopy !req
478. right next to my job.Copy !req
479. Are you okay?
Oh, Larry.Copy !req
480. Are you all right?Copy !req
481. Yes, I'm— I'm fine.
What happened?Copy !req
482. I was standing in the bathroom
brushing my teethCopy !req
483. and I heard this noise
coming from...Copy !req
484. Oh, I told you
there was a sound,Copy !req
485. and you didn't believe me.Copy !req
486. Just tell him to get rid
of that guy.Copy !req
487. All right,
I'll take care of this.Copy !req
488. Look, I'm sorry
about this.Copy !req
489. Yeah, that's okay,
these things happen.Copy !req
490. Listen, I want to talk to him
for a couple minutesCopy !req
491. on my own, all right?
Why?Copy !req
492. You haven't been on a celebrity
stalking case before, have you?Copy !req
493. Uh...Copy !req
494. the main thing that I wanted
to say to you is that, uh,Copy !req
495. I'm a fan, too,
you know?Copy !req
496. I was a big fan
of Jerry Lewis,Copy !req
497. uh, even before
the telethon.Copy !req
498. I know you're probably
thinking, how could I likeCopy !req
499. somebody who was
so broad at the time?Copy !req
500. But, you know, I thought
"The Nutty Professor"--Copy !req
501. I don't know.Copy !req
502. Well, that's neither
here nor there.Copy !req
503. The main thing is,
is that...Copy !req
504. I appreciate every fan
and I'm human being, too.Copy !req
505. And I want you to knowCopy !req
506. that if you ever want
to come and talk to meCopy !req
507. or see me,Copy !req
508. instead of coming
to my home,Copy !req
509. you can call Beverly
down at my office,Copy !req
510. and she'll arrange for you
to spend a few minutesCopy !req
511. talking to me whenever
I can squeeze it in.Copy !req
512. Okay, how does that sound?Copy !req
513. Excuse me.Copy !req
514. Does he speak, uh,
any English at all?Copy !req
515. None. No, no,
he's from Guatemala.Copy !req
516. He's only been
in the countryCopy !req
517. for about, uh,
about four weeks.Copy !req
518. So he basically has
no idea who I am?Copy !req
519. No, he doesn't.
Yeah.Copy !req
520. No, uh...Copy !req
521. no, this guy has broken
into several homesCopy !req
522. around here
the last few days,Copy !req
523. and, uh, you know,
random thievery.Copy !req
524. Probably needs money
to bring his family over.Copy !req
525. How about that?
Yeah.Copy !req
526. So, uh, you have anything else
you want to say to him?Copy !req
527. I don't think so.
No.Copy !req
528. Excuse me.
Not that I can think of.Copy !req
529. Thank you.
You're welcome.Copy !req
530. You know, I really feel
like an idiot.Copy !req
531. Oh, you're not an idiot.
Yeah, well...Copy !req
532. Look, everybody gets
paranoid nowadays.Copy !req
533. That's okay.Copy !req
534. I don't think I was being
paranoid, you know.Copy !req
535. No.Copy !req
536. Is that—
that's the tour bus.Copy !req
537. We should really go in.
Oh, God, yes.Copy !req
538. Larry, are you okay?Copy !req
539. Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
540. I wish you had that fucking
electrical fence.Copy !req
541. What happened?Copy !req
542. That obsessed fan broke
into Larry's house.Copy !req
543. Oh, my God.Copy !req
544. If you only had
the electrical fence,Copy !req
545. all you'd have to do now
is unplug it and hose it down.Copy !req
546. Would you like some monologue
jokes about this?Copy !req
547. No, that's just
what they want, isn't it?Copy !req
548. Did you talk to him?
Yep.Copy !req
549. And?Copy !req
550. And, uh...Copy !req
551. he was a, you know,
mixed-up guyCopy !req
552. who, uh, absolutely just, uh,Copy !req
553. understood that we're
both human beings,Copy !req
554. and I don't think
he'll be trouble anymore.Copy !req
555. All right? Come on,
don't we have a show to do?Copy !req
556. Hey, hey,
are you really okay?Copy !req
557. Yeah.Copy !req
558. 'Cause I—
I got to tell ya,Copy !req
559. it— it's fuckin' scary
out there.Copy !req
560. I mean, I—
I mean,Copy !req
561. if you have
a demented fan,Copy !req
562. I have a demented fan.Copy !req
563. These people watch
this show.Copy !req
564. They— they—
they see me half the time.Copy !req
565. Should I get a bodyguard?Copy !req
566. I mean, I have a gun,Copy !req
567. but Artie won't let me bring it
to the studio anymore.Copy !req
568. I mean, maybe—
Hank, listen to me.Copy !req
569. It was a completely random
burglar, okay?Copy !req
570. The guy had no fucking idea
who I was, no clue whatsoever.Copy !req
571. He had no idea
who you were?Copy !req
572. None.Copy !req
573. My God, I'm sorry.Copy !req
574. Larry?Copy !req
575. Un momento.Copy !req
576. Larry, did you tell some guy
named JavierCopy !req
577. that he could come down
to the officeCopy !req
578. and see you tomorrow?
Yeah.Copy !req
579. Yeah, would you get
Corbin Bernsen on the phone?Copy !req