1. Larry Sanders:
In Washington, the, uh, debate
continues over whether or notCopy !req
2. to lift the ban on gays in
the military, and, uh...Copy !req
3. The Marine Corps announced
that if the ban is lifted,Copy !req
4. they will be changing
their slogan from,Copy !req
5. "The marines are looking
for a few good men" to:Copy !req
6. "I think Sarge likes me."Copy !req
7. If they decide to enforce
the ban, on the other hand,Copy !req
8. I'm very confused.Copy !req
9. Does that mean they're gonna
have to takeCopy !req
10. all the "MASH" episodes
and edit out Klinger?Copy !req
11. Well...Copy !req
12. Here comes one with no segue.Copy !req
13. It's prom time hereCopy !req
14. in the high schools
across the country.Copy !req
15. And, of course, you can tell
it's prom time hereCopy !req
16. in the U.S. for those of you
watching because you can tellCopy !req
17. because the schools have
switched to the more formal,Copy !req
18. prettier carnation-covered
metal detectors.Copy !req
19. All right, and Conan O'Brien
thinks this is gonna be easy.Copy !req
20. We have a great show tonight.Copy !req
21. We have Edward James Olmos.Copy !req
22. We have Mary Stuart Masterson,Copy !req
23. and musician
John Wesley Harding.Copy !req
24. Don't flip around,
we'll be right back.Copy !req
25. Do not flip around.Copy !req
26. No flipping.Copy !req
27. We're clear!Copy !req
28. The audience was shit, huh?Copy !req
29. The sound was no good,
it's too hot in here.Copy !req
30. The show was fine,
but there's something I—Copy !req
31. Never mind.
Tell me, what?Copy !req
32. You know what?
There's something that I didCopy !req
33. and I want you to tell me
that it wasn't a mistake.Copy !req
34. That's my job.
Good, okay.Copy !req
35. I slept with Francine
last night.Copy !req
36. Don't do this to me—
Don't sweat it, kiddo.Copy !req
37. I've gone knocking
on my ex-wives' doorsCopy !req
38. when I was
tanked up and horny.Copy !req
39. God bless those
four little ladies.Copy !req
40. You were drunk, right?
No.Copy !req
41. Spaced out on pills?
No.Copy !req
42. Well, one night,
forget it.
Artie...Copy !req
43. It was the entire weekend
actually.Copy !req
44. Tell me.Copy !req
45. It wasn't such— I can't,
are you fuckin' insane?Copy !req
46. That woman smashed
your People's Choice Award.Copy !req
47. All right, we'll talk
about this later.
So, you cheated on her.Copy !req
48. So what? Why take it out
on the People's Choice Award?
You know what?Copy !req
49. I don't need to come over here
after the monologue
(arguing)Copy !req
50. and talk to you about my
personal problems, and have
you talk to me this way.Copy !req
51. I can get advice
from somebody else.Copy !req
52. 15 seconds, Mr. Sanders.Copy !req
53. Hey, psst.Copy !req
54. Big mistake,
big, big mistake.Copy !req
55. Larry on TV:
Hung Far Low, thank you.Copy !req
56. My guest tomorrow,
Alec Baldwin...Copy !req
57. Alec Baldwin.
Yeah.Copy !req
58. And K.D. Lang...Copy !req
59. He'll be a good guest.
Yeah, he'll be a good guest,
maybe, I don't know.Copy !req
60. He's never—
I don't think he's
ever been on the show before.Copy !req
61. No, he'll be good,
he's very funny.Copy !req
62. I know him, you know.Copy !req
63. You know Alec Baldwin?Copy !req
64. I didn't know
you knew Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
65. Well, yeah, you know him, too.Copy !req
66. Remember, we met him that time
with the—Copy !req
67. the charity ball
we used to go to.
Which one?Copy !req
68. I don't know.
Cystic Fibrosis?Copy !req
69. No, it was— it wasn't
Muscular Dystrophy,Copy !req
70. but it was like that— No.
Lupus?Copy !req
71. Was it the Asthma Foundation?Copy !req
72. It was Multiple Sclerosis.Copy !req
73. Multiple Sclerosis benefit.
Oh, that was a good one, yeah.Copy !req
74. And I met him there,
and then, um,Copy !req
75. he called me up after we got
divorced and we went out.Copy !req
76. Well, he's gay, you know.Copy !req
77. He is not gay.
He's gay, he's gay.Copy !req
78. No, I can tell you,
he's definitely not gay.Copy !req
79. Gayer than a French horn.Copy !req
80. I can tell you,
he's hugely gay.Copy !req
81. I had sex with him.Copy !req
82. Is that gonna be
a problem for you?Copy !req
83. No, I'll tell him
you said hi...Copy !req
84. when I see him.
Okay.Copy !req
85. Ask him if the clutch
is still sticking on the Saab.Copy !req
86. No, don't, don't, don't...
He'll laugh, no, it's good,
He'll laugh.Copy !req
87. It'll be good for your show.
Don't push, don't push me.Copy !req
88. "With an estimated completion
date of January 1995.Copy !req
89. "The restaurant—"Copy !req
90. No, no, the, uh,
the plan, if I mayCopy !req
91. was to complete
Hank's Look Around CafeCopy !req
92. on August 23rd, this year,
that's my, my birthday.Copy !req
93. Can't move my birthday back.Copy !req
94. What else does my jackass
business manager have to say?Copy !req
95. "Mr. Kingsley,
restaurants rotateCopy !req
96. "when they are at
top of buildings.Copy !req
97. "Your place is at
street level.Copy !req
98. "There is no view."Copy !req
99. He does not get it.Copy !req
100. You see, the point is,
it's not the view.Copy !req
101. The point is when you eat
at Hank's,Copy !req
102. you and your foodCopy !req
103. are going on an adventure.Copy !req
104. Maybe you should
just forgetCopy !req
105. the rotating floor
and get the place going.Copy !req
106. Forget the rotating floor.Copy !req
107. Come on, take a message.Copy !req
108. Come on.Copy !req
109. Come on, come on.Copy !req
110. Well, sir, thank you.Copy !req
111. But I am a visionary.Copy !req
112. So, I'd like you
to take your opinionCopy !req
113. and shove it
right up your ass.Copy !req
114. Regards, Hank Kingsley.Copy !req
115. Fax that back to him.Copy !req
116. But he's saying
you don't have enough
money to make it rotate.Copy !req
117. Fine, then I will
get investors.Copy !req
118. It just so happens,
I am on a, uh,Copy !req
119. first-name basis with some of
the most influential,Copy !req
120. some of the most powerful
people in this business.Copy !req
121. So...Copy !req
122. Get Chuck Woolery
on the phone.Copy !req
123. (knock on door)
Yeah?Copy !req
124. What a beautiful day
for a TV show.Copy !req
125. Hey, Artie, where are
the Alec Baldwin notes?Copy !req
126. I can't find them.Copy !req
127. Well, last-minute change
of plans, I canceled him.Copy !req
128. Why?Copy !req
129. We canceled
Alec Baldwin becauseCopy !req
130. Arsenio had Billy Baldwin
last week.Copy !req
131. Right, I saw that.Copy !req
132. And Leno had Stephen Baldwin
just last night.
Right.Copy !req
133. And these Baldwin boys
seem to be multiplyingCopy !req
134. like fucking jack rabbits.Copy !req
135. You know, you're right,
good, good.Copy !req
136. All right, well,
who have we got then?Copy !req
137. We've got a young man with
no arms who plays the piano.Copy !req
138. True triumph of the spirit.Copy !req
139. What's he play it with?Copy !req
140. His ass, I suppose, uh,
and we've got Ed Begley.Copy !req
141. Good mix.Copy !req
142. Hey, Artie, Artie?
Listen...Copy !req
143. Book Alec Baldwin
on the show.Copy !req
144. But this is a bad idea.Copy !req
145. Remember what happened
with all those Carradines?Copy !req
146. Come here, come here, look.Copy !req
147. I know what you're doing.Copy !req
148. I'm telling you,
I can handle this.Copy !req
149. Handle what?Copy !req
150. I know that Francine used
to date Alec Baldwin, okay?Copy !req
151. Who told you that?
She did, she told me.Copy !req
152. Who told you, by the way?Copy !req
153. Who told you, Artie?Copy !req
154. I saw them together,
you know?Copy !req
155. At a rolling disco party
a few years ago.Copy !req
156. Ahh... Jesus.Copy !req
157. Why'd you have to tell me?Copy !req
158. Look, uh...Copy !req
159. You don't want him
on the show.Copy !req
160. I've seen this kind
of thing before.Copy !req
161. You're interviewing him.Copy !req
162. You're laughing along
with Alec Baldwin and then
you blink.Copy !req
163. And you see him screwing
your lovely Francine.Copy !req
164. You see her face.Copy !req
165. You see his face
slobbering in her ear.Copy !req
166. You see the legs
all entangled.Copy !req
167. You hear the grunts.Copy !req
168. All right, all right!Copy !req
169. All right.Copy !req
170. If I cancel, don't I look
like a jerk? Come on.Copy !req
171. No, Paula looks like a jerk.Copy !req
172. All right.Copy !req
173. Cancel him.Copy !req
174. Consider him canceled.Copy !req
175. Artie? Artie!Copy !req
176. Hey!Copy !req
177. Book him.Copy !req
178. Book him on the show tonight.Copy !req
179. This is a big mistake.Copy !req
180. A big, big mistake.Copy !req
181. Okay, did he come out yet?
Oh, what is this?Copy !req
182. Oh, a little sweet talk
that never hurt anybody.Copy !req
183. Oh, "Get Christie Love."Copy !req
184. What, are you all waiting
to meet the guyCopy !req
185. who plays the piano
with his ass?Copy !req
186. Oh, I thought he used
something else.Copy !req
187. Hey, look at me.Copy !req
188. That's in bad taste.Copy !req
189. Larry, how well do you
know Alec Baldwin?Copy !req
190. Don't.Copy !req
191. Because a friend of mine's
a wardrobe personCopy !req
192. on "Knots Landing",
and she said he had sex
with half the town.Copy !req
193. Which town?Copy !req
194. Knots Landing.
Oh.Copy !req
195. Larry.
Alec.Copy !req
196. Hey.Copy !req
197. Uh, Alec, this is, uh,
Darlene and Paula and Beverly.Copy !req
198. Nice to see you again.
Hey, good to see you,
again, how are you?Copy !req
199. Hi, I'm Beverly.
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
200. Good to see ya.Copy !req
201. That, uh, that girl Darlene.Copy !req
202. Did she used to work on
"Knots Landing" do you know?Copy !req
203. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
204. I think she worked at Knott's
Berry Farm for a short time.Copy !req
205. Maybe that's where
you know her from.Copy !req
206. Hey, uh, uh, you still with
Kim Basinger, aren't you?Copy !req
207. Yeah, yeah— oh, yeah,
absolutely, yeah.Copy !req
208. Hey, my wife, uh, ex-wife,
Francine says to say hi.Copy !req
209. Francine...Copy !req
210. Sanders?Copy !req
211. Oh...
Yeah.Copy !req
212. You're kidding?
No.Copy !req
213. How is she doing?Copy !req
214. Well, she's great, she's
absolutely great, you know.Copy !req
215. She is quite a woman,
Francine.
Yeah.Copy !req
216. We had some really, really
wild times together.Copy !req
217. 'Course, that was
back in those crazier days,
you know?Copy !req
218. Oh, yeah, well,
that was mid to late '80s,
right, everybody...Copy !req
219. But, you know, she is
a little flakey, I think,Copy !req
220. and to be quite frank,
I can see why you'd wanna
get out of that whole thing.Copy !req
221. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
222. Listen, you don't
have a problemCopy !req
223. with she and I, you know,
after your divorce...Copy !req
224. No, I have no problem
with it.Copy !req
225. This phrase, be my guest,
comes to mind,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
226. So, everything's okay
with you and me?Copy !req
227. Are you kidding?
It couldn't be better.Copy !req
228. Come on,
I'm thrilled you're here.Copy !req
229. Fantastic.
Don't worry about it.Copy !req
230. Larry, could I
ask you a favor?
Hey, call me Lar.Copy !req
231. Could you book
my brother on the show?Copy !req
232. Which one, Billy?Copy !req
233. No, Daniel, he's on
that series "Homicide."Copy !req
234. He's a big fan
of the program.
Yeah, I'll see what I can do.Copy !req
235. You know, I'm not in charge
of the bookings,Copy !req
236. but sure,
I'll take care of it.Copy !req
237. Hey, listen, uh, let's not
bring this thingCopy !req
238. about Francine up
on the show, all right?Copy !req
239. Wouldn't dream of it, Lar.
Good.Copy !req
240. And try to talk up when
you're out there on the air.Copy !req
241. Yup.Copy !req
242. (whispering)
Oh, boy, I don't see it.Copy !req
243. Are you gonna be able to stay
for the rest of the evening?Copy !req
244. Can I?Copy !req
245. All right.
(cheering and applause)Copy !req
246. The people have spoken.Copy !req
247. Some of the people
have spoken.Copy !req
248. The people in the audience.Copy !req
249. The people around the country
are going,Copy !req
250. "Oh, he's staying
the whole night."Copy !req
251. Ed, we're always happy
to have you here.
Likewise.Copy !req
252. Now, my next guest is a, uh,
wonderful actor who's, uh,Copy !req
253. appeared in such films
as "Glengarry Glen Ross."Copy !req
254. He'll soon be seen
in a new filmCopy !req
255. called "Malice" with,
uh, Nicole Kidman.Copy !req
256. And then in "The Getaway"
with, uh, Kim Basinger.Copy !req
257. Ladies and gentlemen,
Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
258. I'm sorry, Alec, they're still
hooting from my monologue.Copy !req
259. Ah.Copy !req
260. Nice to have you here,
and, uh...Copy !req
261. Great to be here.Copy !req
262. I enjoyed you, uh, a lot
in "Glengarry Glen Ross."Copy !req
263. Thank you.
A wonderful movie.Copy !req
264. And, uh, tell me what you've
been doing lately?Copy !req
265. Well, actually, Larry,
you know,Copy !req
266. you and I have
something in common.Copy !req
267. Yes?Copy !req
268. Yes, we do.Copy !req
269. A lot of you probably don't
know that Alec and I, uh,Copy !req
270. well, Alec used to actually
date my ex-wife, uh, Francine.Copy !req
271. No, I was referring to our
charity workCopy !req
272. with Multiple Sclerosis.Copy !req
273. I know.Copy !req
274. I know that, too.Copy !req
275. Let's take a little
commercial break,Copy !req
276. and, uh,
we'll come right back with,
uh, more of Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
277. And we're clear!Copy !req
278. I wasn't going
in that direction.Copy !req
279. I know, I know.Copy !req
280. I just did that
'cause, you know,Copy !req
281. the audience loves
that stuff.Copy !req
282. Excuse me for just a second.Copy !req
283. You were 100% right,
from the time he walked out,Copy !req
284. all I saw was him
fucking her.Copy !req
285. And she was on top.
That lazy bastard.Copy !req
286. I'm gonna get rid of him now
before something ugly happens.Copy !req
287. Artie, I'm fine, I'm fine.
You okay?Copy !req
288. I'm a professional.Copy !req
289. So, as an investor,
you'd be making the restaurant
go around.Copy !req
290. Me, I'm— well,
I'm just the symbol.Copy !req
291. I'm, I'm just the face
on the menu.Copy !req
292. I'd have to talk
to my business manager.Copy !req
293. I'm sorry, what?Copy !req
294. I said, I'd have to talk it
over with my business manager.Copy !req
295. Come on, those guys
don't know jack shit.Copy !req
296. Listen, I'm not asking you,
I'm begging you.Copy !req
297. Let me kick his ass
off the show.Copy !req
298. No-no, no-no, I think
I can handle it.Copy !req
299. What's the color of my tie?Copy !req
300. Blue.
That part is.Copy !req
301. That's the part
I was looking at.Copy !req
302. Good, get back in there.Copy !req
303. Listen, Larry.Copy !req
304. I'm beginning to get
a little uncomfortable
with this Francine business.Copy !req
305. Could we not talk
about it anymore?Copy !req
306. Back in five!Copy !req
307. Yeah, you got it.Copy !req
308. All right, we're back.Copy !req
309. We're back with Ed Begley
and Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
310. And, uh, we were just
discussing the charity workCopy !req
311. we both do for
Multiple Sclerosis.Copy !req
312. Ed:
Hey, me, too.Copy !req
313. Ed, I didn't know you did—Copy !req
314. Do you do charity
work for, uh, MS?Copy !req
315. No, I mean I dated
Francine also.Copy !req
316. All right, Ed,
you had your turn.Copy !req
317. I'll say. Um...Copy !req
318. I, uh, I met her at
one of my roller skating
parties actually.Copy !req
319. Wait a minute, Ed,
Francine was my dateCopy !req
320. at the roller skating party.Copy !req
321. It's a roller disco party.Copy !req
322. Sign on the wall
said "all skate."Copy !req
323. It said, what?
All skate.Copy !req
324. And what does
"all skate" mean?Copy !req
325. Well, it means, anybody can do
whatever they want.Copy !req
326. So, you did it on wheels?Copy !req
327. Well, before we go on,
is anybody else, uh,Copy !req
328. either, uh, been with
or skated with my ex-wife?Copy !req
329. How about the guy who
plays piano with his ass?Copy !req
330. I can't believe you were
talking about me on the show.Copy !req
331. I mean, what—Copy !req
332. What do you think
the odds areCopy !req
333. that you would've slept with
the same three people on,Copy !req
334. on one show in one night?Copy !req
335. Three?
Yeah.Copy !req
336. Three, it was like
a theme show.Copy !req
337. Who's the third?Copy !req
338. Me, that would be me,
I would be the third.Copy !req
339. Oh, I didn't realize
you were counting the host.Copy !req
340. Yeah, yeah, uh, I was,
I was counting the host.Copy !req
341. Right, thank god, my mother
doesn't watch the show.Copy !req
342. Look, why didn't you mention
something about Ed BegleyCopy !req
343. last night when
we were talking about it?Copy !req
344. Well, I didn't know that
Ed was gonna be on the showCopy !req
345. because we were so busy
talking about... Alec.Copy !req
346. How odd when you're sitting
there hosting a talk show,Copy !req
347. and everyone pipes
in and goes...Copy !req
348. Everyone?
"I, I was with your ex-wife."Copy !req
349. Everyone? I didn't
sleep with everyone.Copy !req
350. I slept with you,
and I slept with Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
351. I did not sleep
with Ed Begley,
and I did not sleepCopy !req
352. with the man who plays
the piano with his ass!Copy !req
353. I mean, my god, maybe I should
just make you a listCopy !req
354. of everybody I've ever
slept with.Copy !req
355. Look, you know what?
Maybe you should.Copy !req
356. Maybe that
would help you
be prepared next time.Copy !req
357. That's not a bad idea.Copy !req
358. You want a list?Copy !req
359. I would— a list, why not?Copy !req
360. Okay, all right, great.
Good, good.Copy !req
361. This is really good.
I'd like a list.Copy !req
362. And, uh, I'll be wanting
a list from you.Copy !req
363. That's a different thing.Copy !req
364. That's a totally
different thing.Copy !req
365. You don't have to talk to the
women that I slept with.Copy !req
366. My list will include...Copy !req
367. Uh, let's see, um, legitimate
acts of, um, penetration.Copy !req
368. Oral sex.Copy !req
369. And, uh, I think, I think
heavy petting, don't you?Copy !req
370. I think narrowing
it down like this,Copy !req
371. I'm not gonna have
any names on my list.Copy !req
372. I don't think we need
to do this right now.Copy !req
373. Oh, no, I wanna do it now.Copy !req
374. My memory is feeling
incredibly sharp
at this moment.Copy !req
375. Oh, good, good,
good to know.Copy !req
376. Um...Copy !req
377. You know, you shouldn't
write so fast.Copy !req
378. You're gonna pull something.Copy !req
379. You'll put your—
well, you could,Copy !req
380. you could throw your
wrist right out there.Copy !req
381. You know, you're right,
you're right, um...Copy !req
382. I think I'm gonna need more
time, so, um...Copy !req
383. I'll, uh, I'll come back
tomorrow at 11:00, and, um,Copy !req
384. and we'll exchange our lists,
what do you think?Copy !req
385. 11:00?
Okay, yeah.Copy !req
386. Okay, that'll be— that's...
Good night.Copy !req
387. That's perfect.
See you later.Copy !req
388. Yeah, this is really good,
I think.Copy !req
389. Yeah?Copy !req
390. How'd that Alec Baldwin thing
go over on the home front?Copy !req
391. We didn't, uh, watch it last
night, Artie.Copy !req
392. Horse shit.Copy !req
393. She's already got you lying
to your friends again, huh?Copy !req
394. That's a big mistake,
big, big.Copy !req
395. Big mistake, big mistake.Copy !req
396. What are you doing there?Copy !req
397. Huh? Nothing,
I'm going through my—Copy !req
398. Making my Christmas
card list, uh...Copy !req
399. Listen, boy.Copy !req
400. This is beginning to worry me.Copy !req
401. You need me?Copy !req
402. (whispers)
Close the door.Copy !req
403. Come here, come here.Copy !req
404. Who's the, um...Copy !req
405. Who's, who's the blonde—
the girlfriend on, uh,
"Perfect Strangers?"Copy !req
406. Uh, Melanie Wilson?Copy !req
407. No, that's, uh,
Balki's girlfriend.Copy !req
408. Oh, you mean, uh,
Rebeca, Rebeca Arthur.Copy !req
409. Why?
Yeah.Copy !req
410. What are you doing, Larry?Copy !req
411. You know, she, uh...Copy !req
412. Francine and I had
an argument.Copy !req
413. And we decided
to make a list of
everyone we slept with, and...Copy !req
414. And you're doing it?
Yeah...Copy !req
415. Why, you don't think
I should?Copy !req
416. No, I mean, I mean,
people have the discussion,Copy !req
417. but nobody actually
makes the list.Copy !req
418. Yeah, well, I'm doing it.Copy !req
419. Well, can I see it?
No.Copy !req
420. Well, come on, you might
wanna run it by—
No, come on, hey.Copy !req
421. You might wanna run it by me.Copy !req
422. I can show you how
a woman would react.Copy !req
423. All right.
Okay.Copy !req
424. I'll be Francine and,
and you be Larry.Copy !req
425. Okay, give it right back,
I got a couple...Copy !req
426. Okay.Copy !req
427. Adrienne Barbeau?Copy !req
428. Why, you no-good,
star-screwing bastard!Copy !req
429. You get you and your thingsCopy !req
430. and you get
the hell out of here!Copy !req
431. (shouting)
I never wanna see
your ugly ass again!Copy !req
432. Artie, just come in.Copy !req
433. You know, I have, uh...Copy !req
434. This is a list of every man
that Francine has slept with.Copy !req
435. (chuckles)
Funny. New sketch, right?Copy !req
436. No, not a sketch.Copy !req
437. This is actually a list
of every man she's been with.Copy !req
438. How'd you get that?
Private investigator?Copy !req
439. She gave it to me.Copy !req
440. Oh, I told you
that she's nuts.Copy !req
441. Phew, Jesus Christ,
that's hefty.Copy !req
442. It's a two-pager at least.
Yeah, well...Copy !req
443. It's gotta be 85
to 100 names in there.Copy !req
444. Yeah, I'm not
gonna look at it.Copy !req
445. What?
I'm not gonna look at it.Copy !req
446. You're making a mistake,
a big, big mistake.Copy !req
447. (knock on door)
Come in.Copy !req
448. Why, Francine, what a delight
to see you, my dear.Copy !req
449. We've all missed you.Copy !req
450. Thank you, Artie.Copy !req
451. May I say you're
as beautiful as ever.Copy !req
452. You've done something
different with your hair?Copy !req
453. Yes, Artie, I cut it shorter.Copy !req
454. You're looking very well
yourself. How's, um...Copy !req
455. Wonderfully, she's just doing
wonderfully.
Good.Copy !req
456. I'll send her your regards.Copy !req
457. Good.Copy !req
458. If you don't mind,
excuse me.Copy !req
459. I have a paycheck to earn.Copy !req
460. He hasn't changed a bit.Copy !req
461. No.
(chuckles)Copy !req
462. I haven't, uh...Copy !req
463. I haven't looked
at the list yet.Copy !req
464. Me neither.Copy !req
465. Really? 'Cause...Copy !req
466. Well, then, we should just
really rip them up,
don't you think?Copy !req
467. Don't you think,
well, we just...Copy !req
468. got carried away
and this whole thingCopy !req
469. got out of hand.
Yeah.Copy !req
470. We should just rip them up.
Just, let's rip them up.Copy !req
471. Let's— hand, hand it to me,Copy !req
472. and I will rip them upCopy !req
473. right, right here and now,
I'm a, I'm a human shredder.Copy !req
474. This is going to feelCopy !req
475. very good.Copy !req
476. Wanna rip some pieces up?Copy !req
477. This feels good, you're gonna
feel a lot— you are gonna—Copy !req
478. Why don't you just give me
the ones you screwedCopy !req
479. while we were married,
I'm making a collage.Copy !req
480. All right.Copy !req
481. You know...Copy !req
482. I realized that, uh,
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
483. the only reason I went out
with Alec and Ed
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
484. was because I wanted
to hurt... you.Copy !req
485. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
486. I can't believe it took
six yearsCopy !req
487. for you to find out!Copy !req
488. I'm sorry.Copy !req
489. I've been really busy.Copy !req
490. I did hurt you, didn't I?Copy !req
491. Really hurt me.
Good.Copy !req
492. So, in a way,
it's a tie.Copy !req
493. No, it is not a tie.Copy !req
494. I was so faithful to you.Copy !req
495. There's a big difference.Copy !req
496. I didn't cheat on you!Copy !req
497. Knock, knock, knock.Copy !req
498. Excuse me, folks.Copy !req
499. Oh, Francine, good,
you'll be interested in this.Copy !req
500. As Hank's Look Around Cafe
spins...Copy !req
501. so will your head
as you receive
your profit statements.Copy !req
502. And... shoot.Copy !req
503. Wait a minute.Copy !req
504. Am I interrupting
something here?Copy !req
505. No, no, there's still
ten minutes left to do
before the show.Copy !req
506. (Hank bangs loudly)
Hank, what is that?Copy !req
507. Is the crank stuck
on your model?
Yeah.Copy !req
508. Does the restaurant
have a big crank outside?Copy !req
509. That's kind of inconvenient,
isn't it, that you haveCopy !req
510. to rush outside every time
you want the floor to turn?Copy !req
511. Have to send
someone out there.Copy !req
512. Hank, could you please
leave us alone?Copy !req
513. You should just
get a little...Copy !req
514. Right.
bar out there.Copy !req
515. Yeah, I'm just gonna
leave this here.Copy !req
516. Can we talk about
this later, please?
Yeah.Copy !req
517. And the name Hank?
Yeah.Copy !req
518. Uh, that's, uh, you know,
it's not set in stone.Copy !req
519. He's, uh...Copy !req
520. He probably built this
on his own is the sad part.Copy !req
521. I think maybe we're moving
too fast here.Copy !req
522. You know?
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
523. We're trying to cover
too much ground.Copy !req
524. Yeah— no, that's... right.Copy !req
525. We've only had,
like, four dates.Copy !req
526. Well, five if you wanna...
Yeah.Copy !req
527. count that time in the car.Copy !req
528. Which, by the way,
is not a piece of shit Saab,Copy !req
529. I might say.
Right, so...Copy !req
530. Why don't we just forget
about all this for a while.
Yes, yes.Copy !req
531. And just— and we'll just see
how things go.Copy !req
532. Wanna do that?
Okay?Copy !req
533. That's a great idea.
Good.Copy !req
534. So, then, we'll just, uh...Copy !req
535. kind of...Copy !req
536. What?Copy !req
537. See what happens
and, and, uh,Copy !req
538. if things go well,
you can ream me out later.Copy !req
539. It'll be my pleasure.Copy !req
540. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
541. Okay, I look forward to that.Copy !req
542. We're back with, uh...
(applause)Copy !req
543. Of course, uh, Daniel Baldwin.Copy !req
544. Now, now, let's talk about,
uh, "Homicide" which I love.Copy !req
545. I think it's a wonderful
series and...Copy !req
546. Thank you.
(cheering and applause)Copy !req
547. You got a lot of fans
out there.Copy !req
548. Larry, I, I have to tell you,
though, you know,Copy !req
549. you and I have something
in common.Copy !req
550. Oh, well, do we— uh,
evidently, you're speakingCopy !req
551. of the charity work
that we do, uh...Copy !req
552. No-no-no-no-no-no-no.Copy !req
553. I never considered it charity.Copy !req
554. But, actually,
I used to do your ex-wife.Copy !req
555. All right, so, you brought
a clip from "Homicide",
didn't you?Copy !req
556. We have a clip,
let me set it up—Copy !req
557. Yeah, let's get right
to the clip.Copy !req
558. No, you don't
need to set it up,
let's just get right—Copy !req
559. (arguing)
No-no, we're good,
we're doing the clip.Copy !req
560. They've got
a special zoning rule.Copy !req