The Larry Sanders Show 2x18

1. Now that sign says "Applesauce."

2. No, no, no. (audience laughs)

3. I'm— I'm kidding. It says "Applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

5. All right. Now remember, you're all— you're all a big

6. part of the show, so the better you are, the better Larry is.

7. Okay, now you see this gentleman? He's giving me

8. this— this sign and it says "We're on in 10 seconds,"

9. so get ready to have a good time.

10. All right, here we go.

11. This is exciting, isn't it?

12. In five, four, three, two...

13. Live on tape from Hollywood,

14. "The Larry Sanders Show."

15. Tonight, join Larry and his guests, Harrison Ford,

16. singer Rickie Lee Jones, and comedian Andy Kindler

17. and me, "Hey now!" Hank Kingsley.

18. And now because he desperately needs your approval,

19. Larry Sanders!

20. I'd like to put to rest a rumor that the network is for sale.

21. This particular network is not for sale.

22. There was a rumor that it was almost sold last week,

23. but that is not true.

24. The buyer came in during the evening

25. and found only $20 in the register and passed.

26. All I'm saying is

27. I think if the network were really up for sale,

28. I would have known by now, okay?

29. It was on the CBS Evening News tonight.

30. Well who did the story, Connie or Dan?

31. Connie.

32. Connie? Well, there you have it.

33. Her husband Maury has more credibility

34. as far as I'm concerned. I agree.

35. And— and Larry, uh, a friend of mine at "Variety" says that this story is

36. gonna break on the front page tomorrow like it's a done deal.

37. I don't know anything about that, really.

38. Every couple of years, you know, the same damn rumor.

39. You know, "The network's being sold!"

40. "The sky is falling, the sky is falling."

41. In other words, business as usual,

42. you know, same old shit, you know, welcome to the monkey house,

43. pass the peanuts please, am I right?

44. (chuckles) Later I'll pass up some transcripts, we can all

45. try to figure out what Hank meant at our leisure, okay?

46. All right, nothing to worry about.

47. All right everyone, thank you.

48. Thank you.

49. Beverly, what the hell's going on?

50. Believe me, Phil, if Larry had more information,

51. he'd tell me, okay?

52. Boy, I hate lying to them like that.

53. Larry, you did the right thing.

54. People can't do their best work

55. when they're shitting in their pants.

56. Yeah, well maybe that's why I haven't been able to focus this week.

57. Oh, now— Oh come on, these foreigners, they bought

58. American companies, and right away,

59. they start tinkering with everything.

60. That's what's gonna happen. Well by the way, you'll probably have to lie to the staff again.

61. And when you do, I want you to watch out for this.

62. What?

63. Rubbing your upper lip.

64. Was I doing that?

65. Yes, when people lie, they tend to cover their mouths.

66. I learned that from Jack Webb when I was on "Dragnet" in 1970.

67. Okay, come on.

68. What? The whole thing.

69. What? Come on, come on, give me the whole thing.

70. I already told you everything I know.

71. Hey come on, this is Hank Kingsley you are talking to,

72. I am not one of those peons.

73. That horse shit about the sky is falling, that's just for them,

74. Come on. Larry doesn't know anything, Hank.

75. Hank, we would've told you.

76. Well, good, because I don't need any more

77. rumors going around this week.

78. I mean this— this whole Hollywood Madam thing,

79. you know it just—

80. Oh?

81. Yeah. I mean, if her— if her black book

82. ever goes public, I'm on every page of that thing.

83. What are you listed under, Hank or Kingsley?

84. Or "Hey Now"?

85. "Hey Now." (laughs)

86. All right, that's not very funny, you know.

87. It was during the mid-80s,

88. and I was carrying some excess weight,

89. and I had a persistent skin rash

90. and it was hard for me to get dates.

91. Are either of you in it?

92. What kind of question is that? Oh, hell no.

93. Of course not.

94. Oh and the— the— the network is not for sale?

95. No! Hell no. No!

96. All right.

97. I just want you to relax, kiddo.

98. Just remember,

99. this guy's not even an American.

100. Right. He's a foreigner.

101. All he wants to do is manage the news division.

102. Our show is the last thing on his mind.

103. These talk shows, well, there are too damn many of them.

104. I say, let them have their territory. Uh-huh.

105. and then we can go out and, uh, blaze a new trail. Yeah.

106. And that— that trail would be?

107. A late night news magazine,

108. wrap-up of the day's events, but with a hip MTV sensibility. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

109. Dick, may I call you, uh...

110. Uh... (clears throat) I have a format here that

111. I think works pretty well for me.

112. Uh, yes, it does work well for you,

113. but it also works for Letterman, and Arsenio and Leno.

114. Yeah.

115. Ah, have a— have a seat, Dick.

116. You see, um, I think what

117. I'm really trying to say is that

118. I have learned from experience that tinkering with a format

119. can create a lot of problems.

120. Oh, Larry, as you know,

121. I— I've done quite well selling beer.

122. Beer. That's great, that is great.

123. And you know how I did that?

124. Packaging.

125. Packaging.

126. Every year, I put on a new label.

127. One year it's beer,

128. then the next year, we call it light beer,

129. and then the next year, it's, uh, cold, filtered, or dry. Mm-hmm.

130. And you know what?

131. We can't make enough of that shit.

132. I see what's wrong, you're drunk.

133. That is intended to be a joke, right?

134. Yeah, that's a joke. That's what I do for a living.

135. Have you ever seen, uh, the show?

136. Beverley, is my agent here yet?

137. Oh, well, there's a message for you to meet

138. a Mr. X in your regular secret spot.

139. Yeah, well that's him.

140. He, uh, had—

141. Now listen, you gotta get me out of this thing

142. because I'm not gonna be able to work for this fucking beer nut.

143. Yes! Fuck that beer fart! We're out of here!

144. Good, good. Just keep it down a little.

145. I'm trying to.

146. Larry, I— I live for this shit.

147. Yeah, but keep it down. It gets me all hot and wild.

148. I know it does, now listen, listen— Is everything okay, Mr. Sanders?

149. Oh yeah, it's fine.

150. You didn't see us.

151. You saw nothing, you heard nothing.

152. It's not what it looks like.

153. All right, now listen, you said you had other options. What are they?

154. I talked to Ted Harper over at ABC. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

155. to have you over there. their grandmothers

156. Oh, that is complimentary.

157. Yeah. How does this sound?

158. "The new Larry Sanders Show after Night Line."

159. Unfortunately, that's the actual title they want to use, but—

160. But it would be my show?

161. I could do whatever I wanted,

162. no one to tinker with it?

163. Oh, then very good, great.

164. Anything's better than staying here and getting fucked.

165. Can I just— Great, perfect.

166. They also want you to do the show from New York.

167. We have this talk before.

168. I don't want to do a show from New York.

169. This is a great option, Larry.

170. I'll give you another option.

171. I go to Montana, live in a shack.

172. Great idea for a sitcom.

173. If you go to New York,

174. I won't go.

175. Where did you hear I'm going to New York?

176. Well, I take my lunch up in the bleachers sometimes,

177. You didn't know that, did you? Oh, shit.

178. Good to have it confirmed.

179. But I can't go to New York.

180. Well, why not?

181. Please don't ask me to explain.

182. Well, I'm not asking you to explain.

183. I just want to know why you can't go to New York. I can't explain.

184. Well, don't explain. Just tell me. Oh...

185. What I'm about to say cannot be repeated to anyone. Yeah?

186. Okay. Turn around, Sid.

187. There's certain people,

188. if they found out you knew this...

189. Yeah? It would not be safe for you or me.

190. Oh you're kidding. You're kidding, aren't you?

191. I was just a young man in a big city.

192. I needed some fast bucks.

193. I did some work for some people.

194. What people?

195. You ever see Scorsese films? The one "Goodfellas"? Yeah.

196. Yeah. Oh, don't tell me this has something to do with a 50-pound

197. bag of line, for god sakes.

198. I don't remember that but I can't go to New York. Oh, Jesus.

199. Well, what if we shoot at New Jersey? Even worse, they live there.

200. Who? Who lives there? I can't say.

201. Who lives there? Howard!

202. Hey! Butt Bongo! Bravo!

203. Hey, I love that ring.

204. Hey, Howard. Hey, Larry.

205. Good to see you, thanks for doing the show tonight.

206. Good to see you, yeah, looking forward to it.

207. Good, hey listen, when are we gonna have dinner? Tonight on the show,

208. don't talk about that movie I'm doing with "Fartman."

209. Everyone keeps asking me about it.

210. You know what? Yeah, I just don't want to talk about it.

211. Okay, no on "Fartman." Thanks, Larry.

212. Want me to talk about the book? Sound all right? Yeah, would you talk about that?

213. Or has that been canceled? No, I have a new book.

214. That's a definite thing? Yeah, oh yeah, that's coming out.

215. But don't talk about "Fartman." Okay, you don't want "Fartman." I have it down here.

216. What's with this guy. Oh, oh, he's just a big fan.

217. You're a big fan? Then take your top off. Yeah.

218. There you go. You embarrassed him.

219. All right, I'll see you later, okay? Okay.

220. He embarrassed you. Wouldn't hurt for you to laugh at me like that, Sid.

221. Take your pants off, come on. "Hen, heh, heh."

222. We'll change it. It'll change. Huh, good.

223. Because I don't— What are you guys doing out here?

224. We're just finishing. I gotta make some calls.

225. Are you gonna take care of it? I'll— I'll call him now.

226. Okay, good. It's done.

227. Do you— Are you sure you'd be happy in New York City?

228. I— Oh, am I sure I'd be happy in New York?

229. No. That's why we're talking about it.

230. You think I'd be happy in LA?

231. Well—

232. Well, that's exactly my point.

233. Why don't I just move to Montana and get out of here? Perfect, Montana.

234. Trick or treat. Howard.

235. Hey, Larry. Hey, man. Come on in.

236. I gotta use the can.

237. Oh. Yeah, it's right back, uh, there.

238. Okay, thanks. All right, thanks.

239. It's the door that's marked "Can."

240. Larry, why didn't you tell me Howard Stern was coming over? I forgot. I forgot, myself.

241. We were talking about it at the show.

242. I don't want him around me. He's disgusting.

243. All right, all right, he's not like that in real life.

244. That's just the way he is on the radio, okay?

245. Well— Just give him—

246. You have a beautiful home here.

247. Oh, thank you. It's— it's Larry's house.

248. And it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

249. Oh, oh, it's a pleasure to meet you too.

250. The pleasure's all mine.

251. Really, it's great to meet you.

252. Um, I'm looking forward to seeing, um, "Fartman."

253. Actually, I don't even think I'm gonna be doing "Fartman."

254. That whole thing is, like, falling apart,

255. but I have a new book out and I bought it as a gift.

256. It's Howard Stern's "Private Parts."

257. It's for you guys. Oh, oh well thanks. Gee.

258. It's a gift. That a really great picture.

259. Thanks. Well, I—

260. That's so nice. It's really just nice for you to say. Thank you.

261. Yeah. Yes, very. I— I'll see you guys later.

262. Okay, bye. Bye.

263. Go ahead.

264. Larry, what's with your girlfriend?

265. She's got great tits, Yeah.

266. but she's... it's like she's got something What?

267. shoved up her ass all the time.

268. I mean, it's like she's on the perpetual rag.

269. Yeah, well, we've all been

270. under a lot of pressure lately, you know?

271. Because of those network guys? Are they trying to screw you?

272. Yeah.

273. It seems like everyone in Hollywood

274. is just trying to screw everyone else.

275. Yeah, I know, I know. I don't know how you take it.

276. Is it better in New York?

277. Are you thinking of moving the show to New York?

278. I can't say.

279. I can't talk about it. Of course you can.

280. I wish I could. No, I really— Please.

281. I would love to know.

282. I mean it's probably know it's top secret or something... I can't tell you...

283. I would love to know if you're moving the show to New York.

284. Well I can't talk to you about it. I just can't.

285. I can't say anything about it. What's the big deal about it?

286. Let's talk about something else. Okay.

287. Larry?

288. Dick?

289. Listen, Larry, I think maybe

290. I have given you some mixed signals.

291. We're very happy to be in business with you

292. and we'll doing whatever we have to do to continue that.

293. Good. Uh, thank you. That's very nice, Dick.

294. I— I hear there's talk

295. about you wanting to move to New York.

296. It just makes me sad.

297. Yeah, well I'm just considering all my options.

298. You know how that is.

299. Of course, I don't blame you.

300. I do hope we can work things out because you are legally

301. bound to be with us for another three years.

302. And I'd hate to see you spend the last two in court.

303. Larry, can you hold for a second? (knock on door)

304. Are you busy?

305. Oh no, come on in. I'm so glad you're here.

306. I had such an unbelievable day.

307. You have no idea. Oh, god, me too.

308. Why?

309. Well, you know...

310. I've been thinking, Uh-huh.

311. and I really think you should move the show to New York. Yeah?

312. Really?

313. Yes. I think it's exactly what you need right now.

314. It's— it's a major change, you know?

315. I'm a 100% behind it.

316. You think you'll be happy in New York?

317. Well, I'm— I'm not gonna move to New York.

318. Wh— what? You know, I've been thinking about this all day long

319. and I think it'd be really good for us to have some time apart.

320. Well, this is not a good time to be telling me this.

321. Oh, god, you're right. I'm sorry.

322. Just— just forget I brought it up. Well, what do you mean?

323. out of your mind. this is bad. I'm sorry just put it

324. Put it out of my mind? It's no big deal.

325. We'll talk about it some other time, okay?

326. What do you mean? Some other time?

327. Have a good show, okay?

328. Have a good show. we'll talk about it later.

329. Well, what do you— what do you mean?

330. I— I shouldn't have brought it up.

331. It's no big deal.

332. Larry?

333. Yeah, I think that's the woman he's getting back together with.

334. Yeah, the one with big tits with heavy attitude.

335. She's pretty hot though, I'll tell you that.

336. All right, so the question is what is Larry Sanders gonna

337. do about his new contract?

338. What is Larry Sanders gonna do about his new contract?

339. Well, I can reveal for the first time,

340. ladies and gentlemen...

341. Larry Sanders will be taking his show to New York

342. and he's probably gonna go on after "Night Line." Oh, no.

343. And they are talking about making some format changes too.

344. That's it.

345. But that's where Larry really wants to go.

346. Oh, no. Anyway, we'll be right back after these—

347. He's taking us to New York.

348. What if he's not taking all of us?

349. That ass.

350. Look, Phil, your getting your facts from Howard Stern,

351. for cryin' out loud.

352. That's pure speculation.

353. Don't you think if Larry was gonna take the show to New York,

354. he'd tell me? Really?

355. Yes. Well, what if he made the decision

356. and didn't tell you about it?

357. You know, Larry wouldn't do that.

358. Larry! Hey, you know,

359. as you know, it's a higher cost of living in New York,

360. and, uh, I think that should be reflected in my, uh, paycheck.

361. Well, I have a show to do now. I'll talk to you.

362. Larry, the ABC deal is almost locked up.

363. Here's the figure.

364. This is for a year.

365. Yeah. Well, wait a minute.

366. If Howard's such a big fan, how come this is just a year?

367. Come on, Larry. These guys never last.

368. They'll be out of the job within a year. We re-negotiate.

369. That makes no sense at all, if your going to re— Larry,

370. Hank wanted me to ask that if you

371. and Hank go to New York, that I'll still be able to go, right?

372. In a second. I have to do the show. All right, Larry,

373. don't micro manage, all right?

374. Let me handle the details. You know what your problem is Stevie?

375. You're talking to me like you think I believe you.

376. I'll see you after the show. Yeah, I gotta do the show.

377. (audience applauds) How many people are...

378. Here. Uh, Larry, I just wanted to say thanks.

379. For what?

380. For making me look like a liar in front of the entire staff.

381. It was a real pleasure.

382. Beverly, I need the water.

383. We— we really couldn't do the show without you, gang,

384. so thank you for coming on down here tonight, and—

385. (applause) You folks see that flashing sign up there?

386. Now, that sign says...

387. I thought I made it clear I can't go to New York.

388. You did.

389. I thought I made it very, very convincingly clear. Yeah.

390. Greg, do me a favor. Would you flick that once?

391. Well, I mean, I hear now that

392. you're thinking about going to New York, I can't go. Huh?

393. What the fuck is that?

394. What are you talking about, Art?

395. I— I haven't made the decision yet, okay?

396. Why don't you give me a list of the cities

397. that you'll work in, and then I'll make my decision, okay?

398. Oh, fine. I see I'm not needed here.

399. Come on.

400. That's fine with me. You know...

401. your life, your show,

402. your problem, and I hope you're happy with it.

403. Well, I'm doing the best I can.

404. Anything else on your mind?

405. Well, let's see,

406. you know how you're always worried about your ass? (theme music plays)

407. Let me tell you something, buddy. Gonna level with you. You got a huge ass.

408. It's huge, huge ass. That's why we sent for that new lens from Sony

409. so we could cover that huge ass.

410. You know what?

411. You know what? I have a show to do.

412. I love everything you do on "Saturday Night Live."

413. I love the Mur—

414. Thanks, Larry.

415. I have nightmares of someone like you

416. coming through my window.

417. Really, you're hilarious and you're— you—

418. I love the motivational speaker character that you do.

419. Oh, yeah. That's— (applause)

420. That's kinda like my dad.

421. Uh, it really is taken from him.

422. The— the the yelling part and everything like that

423. when he says, "Larry I think you wanna

424. "take the world by the tail

425. "and wrap it around, pull it down

426. "and put it in your pocket!

427. "Well, I'm here to tell you that

428. "you're gonna find out as you go out there

429. "you're not going to amount to Jack squat!

430. "You'll end up eating a steady diet of government cheese,

431. living in a van down by the river."

432. All right, we're going to, uh...

433. release Chris now.

434. Here, you've been hilarious tonight.

435. We're big fans and you'll come back again sometimes soon, I hope.

436. I thought maybe it was gonna be longer.

437. I thought— (stammers) I've only been on here a couple of minutes.

438. Is that how it...

439. It is— it is a little short,

440. and I know we'd all like to see more,

441. but there's something else

442. I have to do before we finish the show tonight, all right?

443. Thanks for coming in. I flew all the way in from New York for this but,

444. you know— You flew in from New York?

445. How long is that— is that flight?

446. I knew it! It's New York. Shhh.

447. But you like being in LA? 'Cause LA is wonderful

448. especially this time of the year. Wonderful, isn't it?

449. Yeah, at least I got to come to California.

450. It's LA, it's LA.

451. Beverly, clear—

452. Look Phil, Larry is a very, very complex man.

453. As many of you know, I've been in show business now for 20 years,

454. which is a long and wonderful career.

455. And what I'm trying to say is that this is the final

456. "Larry Sanders Show" that you've watched tonight,

457. (audience groans) and— Please.

458. If anyone needs me, I'll be in Montana.

459. Oh, my god. I plan to, uh...

460. live the rest of my life as just an everyday guy.

461. First I'd like to, uh, take a moment

462. to— to acknowledge all the people

463. who have worked on the show very hard

464. and made everything that you've seen, uh, possible all these years.

465. Uh, first of all there's my producer, Artie,

466. who really holds everything together.

467. I'd like to, uh, of course, uh, give

468. a special tribute to my, uh, assistant Beverly,

469. who has stuck with me through, uh, thick and thin.

470. Uh, my writing staff,

471. who, uh, have never really settled, uh, for anything, uh, but the best.

472. Hey Chris, Chris! Come here, man.

473. Listen, uh, listen,

474. I have some sketch ideas.

475. Could you take them down to "SNL"?

476. And of course our technical crew

477. and the rest of the office staff.

478. The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.

479. And, uh, of course my good friend on air and off air,

480. "Hey Now!" Hank Kingsley, who's, uh, been terrific.

481. Thank you all for watching, and, uh...

482. good night and, uh, take care.

483. You may feel free to flip.

484. You're a miserable fucker.

485. A real miserable fucker.

486. Shit.

487. Shh! You're scaring the fish!

488. Sorry, I— I didn't see you there.

489. What are you usin'?

490. Night crawlers.

491. Oh, yeah, tho— those are good.

492. You watch TV much?

493. Stay up late?

494. And now, because he made

495. a big mistake, Larry Sanders.

496. Fuckin' frogs.