The Larry Sanders Show 2x17

1. Now that sign says, "Applesauce."

2. (audience laughs) No, no, no.

3. I'm kidding, it says, "Applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

5. All right.

6. Now remember, you're all—

7. you're all a big part of the show.

8. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

9. Now, he's giving me this— this sign, and it says

10. we're on in ten seconds.

11. So, get ready to have a good time.

12. All right, here we go.

13. This is exciting, isn't it?

14. In five, four, three, two...

15. Live on tape from Hollywood,

16. "The Larry Sanders Show"!

17. Tonight, join Larry Fishburne,

18. Janine Turner, from Steely Dan, Donald Hagan,

19. and me, "Hey Now!" Hank Kingsley.

20. And now, because Larry's on vacation,

21. your guest host for this week, Martin Mull.

22. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

23. Hey, thank you, thank you, please, please sit down.

24. Thank you. Thank you.

25. Wow, this is really, very, very close to a thrill for me.

26. I know how much this show means to Larry and—

27. and what a stickler he is for quality,

28. at least to the extent that one can have any in television.

29. In fact— oh, well, thank gosh for commercials,

30. we'll be right back.

31. Well, I got through that. I can't believe I was actually nervous out there.

32. I used to do this shit in my sleep.

33. Is this bothering you? No.

34. Jeez, Hank, you look tired.

35. Yeah, I just...

36. I've been burning the bulb at both ends, that's all.

37. Oh man, I know what you mean,

38. I'm doin' a Fox movie right now. I'm ass deep in a script—

39. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just try opening a restaurant sometime.

40. Listen, when we come back,

41. ask me about last weekend,

42. 'cause I have a very funny thing

43. I have written down here. Okay, great, got it.

44. Okay, we're back in five, four, three, two...

45. And we're back.

46. Thank you, thank you.

47. Boy, it's fun to be here.

48. Well, you're doing a great job, and it's fun to have you here.

49. Thank you, Hank. What are you gonna do this weekend?

50. Ah, well this weekend— after last weekend,

51. I don't know if I have any energy left.

52. Last weekend was one of those— Wait, that's not the question.

53. What are you gonna do this weekend?

54. Well this, this weekend I really don't have any plans, Hank.

55. You— you don't have any plans? No, sir.

56. Well, I have an idea. Listen, let me be the first to invite you

57. to the official grand opening of Hank's Look Around Café, Friday night.

58. Look at this.

59. Hank Kingsley, Proprietor.

60. Can you see this? This is Hank's—

61. this is your own restaurant. Am I right? Yes, sir, it is.

62. This is the one with the spinning floor there.

63. Right. You know, I've always been one to say—

64. at least for my money— that nothing really aids

65. digestion quite like centrifugal force.

66. (audience laughing) Friday night.

67. My first guest tonight—

68. 336 Melrose. Go ahead.

69. Thank you.

70. Hi. Hank, terrific show tonight.

71. Yeah, hi, can I just talk to you for one second, please?

72. Right over here. Please.

73. Listen, I hope you realize that,

74. all that joking about your restaurant,

75. was just that— it was joking. No, right.

76. You know that, right? Oh, of course, now look,

77. you're sitting in Larry's chair.

78. Yeah. They've given you that honor,

79. but one thing that you gotta remember is,

80. you're a guest host. Uh-huh.

81. "Guest" being the operative word here.

82. Uh-huh, mm-hmm. You see, so we have a very definite chain of command.

83. Larry first, then— then there's me...

84. Yeah. Artie, then everyone else.

85. I was joking, Hank. They were jokes, okay? Well— well— well,

86. be that as it may, I think from now on,

87. if you have a humorous asset,

88. you gotta clear it with me first, Martin. Really?

89. Yeah. You know, I think we ought to call Larry about this.

90. No, no, I don't— I-I— I don't think so.

91. I think what we— what we— see—

92. we— we just don't bother him when he's on his vacation.

93. That's the thing we don't do, okay?

94. Really? You know, I think this might fit nicely up your ass.

95. Well, all right, other than that, it's just a great show.

96. Morning.

97. Here I am. Here I am!

98. Hank, what the hell are you doing here?

99. What time is it?

100. 9:30 in the morning. What the hell? You—

101. you sleep here last night?

102. Uh, yes, I've— I've been sleeping here.

103. Why?

104. Well, I've been— I've been picking out the material—

105. the material for the napkins,

106. you see. They came in and they're—

107. they're reddish brown, and it completely—

108. it clashes, clashes with the banquet.

109. You know, you try to leave this stuff to the interior designers,

110. but no, no, you can't.

111. You see, because— (mutters) fuckers.

112. What the hell did you say to Martin Mull, last night?

113. Why?

114. Well, he quit.

115. Wha— 'Cause of you, I've gotta scramble for a new guest host.

116. Yeah, well, you see, I— I could've seen that coming,

117. I mean, it's the— he was fine on that

118. make-believe talk show, that "Fernwood" thing,

119. but you know, you put him in the genuine article and he locks, he—

120. You know that's a lot of horse shit.

121. Two tickets to the grand opening

122. of Hank's Look Around Café, Friday night,

123. (French accent) absolutely no charge.

124. It's this Friday night?

125. Right. I've got plans.

126. Are you joking? No.

127. Are you—

128. How many times have I— that's all I've been saying around here is,

129. "Grand opening, Friday night!

130. Hey! Grand opening, Friday night."

131. Hank, come on. You said, "Grand opening, Friday night,"

132. two months ago, and it didn't happen.

133. Well, that's— you know, that's— that's two months ago.

134. I mean the, you know, they installed the wrong motor,

135. you know, for the rotating floor.

136. Okay.

137. You know.

138. Well, then— then it was three weeks later.

139. Fuckers.

140. Two weeks later, yes.

141. That's the burst water pipe in the ladies room

142. that started to rust the bearing for the rotating floor.

143. Never mind, ye of little faith.

144. (laughs) You're gonna be there?

145. I— did you say it was this Friday night?

146. Come on. Come on, guys. Thanks for the support.

147. You know, no reason to help out Hank.

148. Like I've never laughed at your lame

149. monologue jokes, which I don't even get.

150. Look, come on, Hank, we'll— we'll come the next night.

151. Next night? Next night?

152. See, the— let me explain something to you.

153. There may not be a next night.

154. You see, if people don't come on Friday night,

155. there may not be a next night.

156. So, this is Friday night, this is next night.

157. No Friday night, no next night.

158. No Friday night, no next night.

159. Do you understand this concept?

160. (sighs) No.

161. No, no, I know you don't!

162. Hank, it's the napkin people on line four.

163. Fuckers. Yeah, okay, I'll— I'll just take it in my office.

164. Get me the Jerry Van Dyke file.

165. Artie, would it be okay

166. if I told this very humorous anecdote about the construction

167. of the restaurant on the— on the show tonight?

168. (laughs) Absolutely not. No, come on, come on,

169. I'm not gonna mention the address.

170. No. Did I say Jerry Van Dyke? I mean Joan Van Ark.

171. Artie, I need to talk to you mano-a-mano.

172. No. Yeah, come on, sit down.

173. No. Look at me, huh? Will you just look at me?

174. Don't push me, Hank. Ignore him, keep working.

175. Gee, Artie. I-I—

176. I've just been thinking about the opening night

177. of this restaurant in my mind for years and years.

178. It's— I just keep imagining all my— all my friends—

179. I mean my celebrity friends, and they're just sittin' in—

180. in all these booths and I get to say to them,

181. "Hey, hey, this one's on me," to some of them.

182. Larry said, "No."

183. You spoke to Larry? No.

184. Then how could you know? Shouldn't we call him?

185. Larry's on vacation. He's not to be disturbed.

186. Artie on phone: Well, we're having a little trouble finding a guest host

187. to replace Mr. Martin Mull.

188. Jesus, Artie, what do you want me to do about it?

189. Artie, hold on a second.

190. Hey, Burt,

191. Larry. Hey, Lar.

192. Hey, Burt, I didn't know you moved in next door.

193. Good to see you, how are you enjoying that— that house?

194. Well, actually, I don't live in the big house,

195. I live back there in the guest house, you see.

196. Oh. 'Cause I can't afford

197. a big house because of the— you know the—

198. 'Cause of that thing you're going through?

199. Divorce, huh?

200. Hey, listen...

201. We're having some trouble down at the show

202. finding a guest host, you know.

203. Because the last guy we got, got this flu bug,

204. and I was wonderin' if you'd be interested in hosting the show?

205. I mean, maybe this is a bad time and all,

206. 'cause you're going through this thing,

207. but if you'd like to do it, I—

208. What does it pay?

209. (audience laughing) Be right back in one minute.

210. Wonderful monologue. You look very handsome on camera, I might add.

211. Yeah, I bet you say that to all the guest hosts.

212. Yeah, in your case I mean it, you know that.

213. Yeah.

214. How you holdin' up, buddy?

215. Ah, you know, the big "D"--

216. the divorce, you know, it's— it's— Yeah, I've been there.

217. Ah yeah, three times I heard.

218. I've been divorced four times.

219. Four times? Yeah.

220. Who gives a shit?

221. You do. "Evening Shade's" delightful.

222. Thanks, chief. Okay.

223. Hello. Yeah, yeah.

224. I've— no, no, I don't care.

225. I applied— I applied for this alcohol permit just— months ago.

226. Okay? Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.

227. Knock off the bullshit, please.

228. Sorry, ma'am, it's just— it's just— it's just very—

229. it's very frustrating and— yeah.

230. Yes, I would be absolutely

231. delighted and honored to speak to your supervisor.

232. It's just, unfortunately I'm in the middle of doing a—

233. a network television show right now, and I can't—

234. (theme music playing) We're back in five,

235. Can you hold for a minute? Five minutes— four, three, two...

236. Thank you.

237. Okay, folks, if you've looked high and low

238. for cruise ship cuisine on dry land

239. and you like dining in the round,

240. you wanna come down to Hank's Look Around Café.

241. That's Hank's Look Around Café,

242. 336 Melrose, where you and your food, go on an adventure.

243. (audience laughing) You know something?

244. I-I— I was thinking about of investing in that.

245. Really? I like the idea of the— you know, the—

246. The rotating, yes. the rotating around and looking at the city.

247. Of course, if you're a smoker, you'd have to smoke,

248. then stop, then light up again when you came to your section.

249. But listen, ah, I really— I think it's a great idea.

250. Yeah? Great idea.

251. You're gonna— oh no, you're gonna hit me.

252. No, I'm not. You're gonna do something. I know this gentleman.

253. No, it's— it's a great idea, I'm telling you.

254. Yeah, yeah, okay, like "Smokey and the Bandit,"

255. that was— that was a great idea.

256. (audience laughing) And, "Cannonball Run," that was—

257. that was a great idea. Ooh, bravo.

258. Morning.

259. You gotta stop sleeping here, Hank,

260. it's beginning to smell like a goddamn locker room.

261. Okay, salad, salad, salad, salad.

262. I suggest you listen to me now, Mr. Kingsley.

263. Okay, I'm listening.

264. I just got off the phone with Burt Reynolds.

265. He wanted to quit,

266. but I persuaded him to give you a second chance.

267. Oh, boy, another ego trip.

268. Yeah, give a guy a couple of car chases,

269. and all of a sudden he thinks he's an incredible whit.

270. Well, he thinks you're a loose cannon.

271. He thinks you're mere days away from a complete mental collapse.

272. He doesn't want to deal with it.

273. That's— that's— I think that's silly.

274. Hank, you gotta stop with this stupid restaurant.

275. We need you. You gotta concentrate on the show.

276. We need you here. Yeah, well, I am here.

277. I am here. Yeah, are you?

278. Yes, I am. Hank Kingsley—

279. Hank Kingsley is present, he's accounted for and, ahh—

280. shit, shit, I gotta make this call, just real fast.

281. Septic, septic, septic. This is what I'm talking about.

282. You've got to focus on this show, here, now.

283. Okay, it's just, my— my restaurant at this moment,

284. (voice quavering) has a very specific odor

285. that is not conducive to the art of fine dining.

286. And, uh...

287. Oh my God. I'm in a lot of trouble.

288. What is it? What is it, pal? Oh God.

289. Huh? Ah, nothing, I just—

290. I don't think anybody's gonna...

291. come to the grand opening.

292. Every time I check the— the phone machine,

293. there's another cancellation.

294. And even my own wife is not coming,

295. because there's a— you know,

296. "Sorry, honey, there's a death in the family."

297. And— (breathes deeply)

298. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

299. You're gonna be there, aren't you, buddy?

300. God dammit.

301. Well, Hank, you've changed the grand opening so many times—

302. I do have a life of my own you know.

303. Oh, God dammit!

304. What has happened to courtesy and respect in this world?

305. I mean, what— let me ask you a question.

306. Why can't people just say, you know, "Hey, Hank,

307. "I know that this is important to you,

308. "your opening night, but you know,

309. I'm gonna be there for you buddy."

310. Just take it easy, will you?

311. You gotta breathe, breathe.

312. (inhales) In... now let it out.

313. One more time, in.

314. Here, now drink some water.

315. You drink water, Art.

316. You can drink it through your ass—

317. (crying) It's all right, it's all right,

318. It's okay. Just let it out. Go ahead.

319. Well, they're all against me, all of them.

320. Who's— who's against you?

321. Okay, who? All right, well,

322. my wife, and, ah, my— my staff.

323. Yeah. You know, the whole staff,

324. and the government, and it's just—

325. Well, this— oh God, this guy,

326. this-this— this fucking electrical engineer.

327. You know, this-this— this guy, he comes in,

328. he fills in at the last minute and I'm supposed to—

329. I'm supposed to think that this guy

330. knows fuck all about anything!

331. Oh shit! Oh shit! If I had a gun—

332. if I had a gun, Artie. I'm listening.

333. I'm listening to you. I'm with ya. I'm your buddy.

334. I-I— I understand. It's not fair.

335. You just gotta let it out. You gotta let it all—

336. It's not fair. Just let it go.

337. Yes, no, I believe that. I— I agree. Man!

338. I said, "Grand opening, Friday night."

339. Yes, you gotta keep talking. I've got a phone call to make.

340. I'll be right back, keep talking.

341. Hey. Hey, grand opening, Friday night.

342. Hey, I told you, grand opening, Hank's, Friday night.

343. Get Dr. Landay on the phone.

344. Who? Dr. Eugene Landy.

345. A good friend, Brian Wilson, would have his number

346. What is Hank doing in there?

347. He was telling me about his troubles at the restaurant.

348. But you're not in there.

349. He doesn't know that. Now, call Dr. Landy.

350. (answering machine beeps) Terribly sorry to disturb you, Larry,

351. but Burt Reynolds just quit.

352. Jerry Seinfeld's taping in the studio next door

353. you know, so I— I'm going to walk over there and see

354. if I can get him.

355. Also, well, Hank's not doing so well.

356. He's been under quite a bit of pressure lately

357. and seems a bit rattled. What-what's— Artie?

358. Yo, Larry.

359. Yeah, well, how bad is Hank?

360. Well, he's been in the men's room for an hour now,

361. vomiting and weeping.

362. Just one more thing, they installed the sign today.

363. Mm-hmm. Except, they left out an "A."

364. Instead of saying, "Hank's Look Around Café,"

365. it says, "Look Round Café."

366. Ah, that's okay.

367. It is? Mm-hmm.

368. You sure? 'Cause I could try to go out and buy an "A."

369. No, no, no, it— it's great.

370. Jerry?

371. Hank? (chuckles) Jer.

372. Hey. Listen, when we're out there,

373. would you ask me what I'm doing for the weekend,

374. 'cause I'm working Friday and Saturday at the Universal Amphitheatre.

375. I'll be happy to, on one— one condition.

376. I didn't realize there'd be conditions.

377. If you mention that Hank's Look Around Café

378. is your après-comedy bistro of choice and...

379. I would like you to stick to those— that exact wording.

380. (laughs) No.

381. No? I can't do that, no way.

382. Okay. All right?

383. You know, they— they put you on Thursday night,

384. so you got a little heat goin' on for you right now. Yeah. Yeah.

385. Won't last forever.

386. Thank you.

387. Well, good evening,

388. can you say, "Hey now"?

389. Hey now!

390. Come on, a little louder.

391. Hey now!

392. Well, you sound good.

393. Well, this is gonna be a very special warm up tonight because,

394. tonight I'm gonna talk to you about a— a restaurant,

395. a very special restaurant, my restaurant. (audience laughing)

396. And it's called—

397. (whispers) Uh, not even on the air, Hank,

398. not one word. (whispering continues)

399. All right.

400. Guess we're not gonna have that, uh, special warm up.

401. Um...

402. I'm gonna take a long fuckin' walk.

403. Hey, Jerry. Hey. Hey, where the hell is Hank going?

404. He just walked off the set.

405. Oh, Artie'll calm him down. You know I—

406. Art— I think Artie is the reason he walked off!

407. Oh, well, that's not good.

408. You know I wanted— He didn't even do the warm up!

409. He didn't? Well, that's not good any either.

410. Is this how things usually work around here?

411. Yeah. You know, I wrote this script for your show.

412. Would this be a bad time to give it to you?

413. Yeah, yeah.

414. Okay, have a good one. (theme music playing)

415. Yeah.

416. Live on tape from Hollywood,

417. "The Larry Sanders show"!

418. Tonight, join Bonnie Hunt, comedian Jake Johanssen...

419. This booth doesn't rotate, does it?

420. This fuckin' booth starts to rotate, I swear to God.

421. Oh, I'm already seasick.

422. I just can't believe I took the time out of my vacation to come here

423. and the man isn't even here.

424. I'll tell you, you know that— that ice sculpture

425. of the Queen Mary on the buffet there,

426. I'm gonna shove it up Hank's ass

427. if he ever gets here, that son of a bitch.

428. Nah, this is Hank's special night.

429. Let's just, uh, let him enjoy it okay?

430. All right. It's all so beautiful.

431. Everybody showed up, and he's missing it.

432. Where, where is he? Where the hell is he? Where is he?

433. You know what? Now I'm getting worried.

434. I've seen him have a temper tantrum before.

435. It lasts, what, about an hour usually,

436. so what the hell is going on?

437. (clears throat) How was it?

438. It was great. Yeah.

439. You know, let's go. You did the best you could.

440. If we leave now, we can get there by 2:00.

441. I don't think you understand the seriousness of this.

442. The fact the Hank is not here means

443. there could be something seriously wrong.

444. Have you heard anything? I just called the lot.

445. The security guards said they saw Hank earlier walking around

446. and talking to himself, and now they can't find him!

447. All right, we should go look.

448. Okay. Yeah. Will you excuse me, honey?

449. I'm sorry. We'll go to Vegas tomorrow, I promise.

450. No problem. All right. Darlene, keep everybody till I bring Hank back.

451. Have a nice time.

452. Can't believe you found him. We've been looking everywhere for him.

453. Haven't we? The stage is supposed to be empty,

454. but I sent the weird intern down.

455. Oh! You have one of those? We got one of those.

456. What does yours do? He's just weird.

457. That's exactly what ours does.

458. Anyway, he's all yours. I'll send you a bill for the drool.

459. Jer, you were great!

460. (whispers) Wake him up.

461. Hey! Hey! Here I am! Here I am!

462. All right.

463. What time is it? It's 9:30. Lets go!

464. We've been looking for you.

465. All right, that's good. 9:30, that's good!

466. That's good. Don't worry, we can get there by 10:00.

467. I'm want to thank you guys for making this my big night.

468. Yeah. (clears throat)

469. Hank, there is something that I have to tell you. What? What?

470. Yeah, it's 9:30 a.m. We looked for you all night, Hank.

471. No. No!

472. Make it go back. Make it go back. Turn back the world.

473. Hey, you know, I was up all night,

474. I am supposed to be on vacation. My wife wants to go...