The Larry Sanders Show 2x16

Directed by Ken Kwapis

Elizabeth Ashley as Elizabeth Ashley • Peter Tolan as Adam Loderman • Maureen Mueller as Kiki Rosatti • Warren Zevon as Warren Zevon • Joshua Malina as Joshua Malina

Artie has a terrible day backstage with an Entertainment Weekly writer prowling around, John Ritter and Gene Siskel nearly coming to blows, and a stray dog nipping at everyone.

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1. About an hour away from show 1,457.

2. Not that we keep count.

3. Yeah, I suppose by now the show must really run itself.

4. Ah, bunch of horse shit.

5. You know it really pisses me off when

6. you magazine people say things like that.

7. I am sorry.

8. But, tell me has Larry ever been romantically

9. involved with any of the guests?

10. What kinda question is that?

11. My editor put it on here.

12. You're right. It's inappropriate.

13. You think we have been busting our balls doing 1,400 shows

14. so that Larry can get laid?

15. Believe me, if Mr. Sanders wanted to fuck talent,

16. he would have been an agent.

17. Who you say you work for?

18. "Entertainment Weekly." Huh?

19. "Entertainment Weekly." Oh.

20. When can I talk with Larry?

21. Later.

22. Will you let the audience in in about five minutes and put

23. the group from the nursing home in the upper left corner there?

24. That's the warmest place in the studio.

25. Artie, excuse me.

26. Hi.

27. We've got a problem.

28. What is it, Kiki?

29. It's, uh, difficulty with the network, satellite, feed again?

30. No, it's Elizabeth Ashley.

31. She's in wardrobe, wants to talk to you right away.

32. If you'll excuse me Roger,

33. I have a show to produce.

34. Oh god.

35. I can't.

36. I'm married, Liz.

37. Oh, how is the little woman?

38. Huh?

39. Your wife!

40. Elaine's in Kenya on a safari.

41. Can you believe that?

42. What do you think of a woman who'd leave her

43. home for three months to photograph zebras humping?

44. I think that daddy's lonesome too.

45. You are leaning on Larry's suits.

46. Oh, do I look like I give a shit?

47. Now you just jump on back here, little big man.

48. Ever since you have gone on slim fast,

49. I'm powerless.

50. Oh god.

51. Is Larry in a good mood tonight?

52. Oh, who cares.

53. Hey, get word back to Larry that they are great.

54. All right? Okay?

55. Are you in your thoughts?

56. No, no, I'm just going over the cue cards.

57. Okay Sid, good, good, great.

58. Anything special I need to know about tonight?

59. No. It's gonna be a great show.

60. I think so too. Is Ritter here yet?

61. I believe so. Great.

62. How's Miss Ashley?

63. Wonderful. Good.

64. Go like this. What?

65. Do I have a bug here?

66. No if you had a bug, I would say go like this.

67. You just had some hair stickin' out or somethin'.

68. Oh, okay. Nothing major.

69. Larry Sanders, don't tell me you are doing the show tonight too.

70. Hey John, good to see you.

71. Hey John.

72. It's not really a good time.

73. See Larry likes to get into his thoughts.

74. Come on, this is John Ritter. No, that's all right.

75. It's the John Ritter.

76. No shit.

77. Who's this key chain?

78. Arthur, Larry this is my agent Adam Loderman.

79. Arthur, Larry.

80. Adam Loderman.

81. Thank you so much. He's to get into his thoughts.

82. I am sorry. Just wanted to say hi. Artie, It's okay.

83. It's all right. I'm sorry for Artie.

84. It's cool. It's cool.

85. So, how's "Hearts of Fire" going?

86. Five, four, three, two... Oh, you know.

87. (theme music plays) The network is giving us all this flak, we have to retool.

88. I am just, I am sick of the network bullshit.

89. Live, on tape from Hollywood... Well, that's a choice.

90. So how are you doing?

91. Good. See you out there, huh?

92. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

93. Sorry. Just wanted to say hi.

94. Jesus Christ Artie, I told you I don't

95. want to talk to the guests before the show.

96. Will never happen again.

97. I've never even seen "Hearts of Fire."

98. Now I am involved in some conversation about retooling?

99. Make a note. Make a note.

100. Yes. Okay.

101. Just go like that.

102. Larry Sanders!

103. I am gonna— Get out there.

104. Hello, hello.

105. How pretty.

106. How very, very pretty.

107. Look how pretty.

108. Look how pretty.

109. Everything okay?

110. Wanna see what I got down here?

111. Yes I do.

112. Oh!

113. Isn't he cute?

114. Come on Darlene. Another stray?

115. I thought you were over this.

116. No tags, no collar, nothing.

117. I found him right near the 110 freeway.

118. If it wasn't for me, this dog would be dead right now.

119. Look at this little face.

120. This face would be dead.

121. Yeah. Well that would be a tragedy,

122. what would his fleas do?

123. It's got fleas all over it. Look at his neck.

124. He's a flea hotel.

125. Look Darlene, just get the dog out of here.

126. There's a show going on.

127. Don't want to see what you got down there.

128. John Ritter, Gene Siskel...

129. What a cutie.

130. Poor little cutie.

131. Ah! Damn flea.

132. She played Freida on "Evening Shade",

133. please welcome Elizabeth Ashley.

134. Thank you, darling.

135. You look beautiful and—

136. You are more than kind.

137. May I say I'm a gardener.

138. 'Cause that's a beautiful flower.

139. I'm a little slow brains broccoli, but hey no problem.

140. Thank you.

141. Are you, are you hot?

142. Is that a fan?

143. Is that a fan that you need?

144. Is that a fan for fashion or fan for—

145. No, it's a fan that I need

146. because my hands like my brains will, left to their own devices,

147. get away from me and start to flap and so,

148. it's just Southern ladies always have something to keep in their

149. hands and also you never know when you gonna get the vapors

150. and just fade right away.

151. Hi, Gene Siskel.

152. Oh, John Ritter.

153. I know.

154. I know you know.

155. I've heard you talk about my work on your show.

156. Hmm, good things I hope.

157. Not really.

158. Oh, that Blake Edwards movie.

159. What was that? "Skin Deep."

160. Ya, well, that, you know that glow in the dark condom scene?

161. That was kinda cute.

162. I don't care. I don't listen to critics.

163. I don't find it constructive.

164. I really don't care.

165. Hey come on, I mean I know you are basically a TV actor,

166. but surely you know the difference between a good movie

167. and a bad movie.

168. I mean haven't you made both "Problem Child" 1 and 2.

169. "Skin Deep" was a very good movie.

170. It did extremely well in Europe.

171. You know all I know is I did the work.

172. I put a lot of good positive energy in to it.

173. Then I turn on my TV set and I have to listen to you say that

174. I seemed distracted by what was going on around me

175. during the making of the movie

176. and you know that I became a bore after a while.

177. I don't need that.

178. You know what I think those were the exact words I used.

179. Like, how long ago was that?

180. Like five years ago?

181. You remember it pretty well,

182. for an actor who doesn't pay any attention to critics.

183. You are not married now, right?

184. Oh, no, no, no, no.

185. Are you seeing anybody now?

186. Well, yes I am.

187. And who would that be?

188. Well it's not anybody that America knows.

189. But you know, ooh.

190. It's somebody that you know real well.

191. Is that true?

192. It's somebody I know.

193. Real well. That you're with.

194. And you are fanning yourself.

195. Well you know if,

196. I should tell you this Hank is married.

197. Did he tell you that? Did you know that?

198. Oh, honey.

199. No, no, I mean listen, I think you are sugar pop.

200. You are just cute as a button.

201. But I mean I just—

202. I need something up here to just grab hold of.

203. Right. Or maybe we could know mold a handle or something.

204. No, no, no.

205. I mean it's one man at a time.

206. What the fuck is going on back here?

207. Nothing, Arthur. It's nothing. It's nothing.

208. This fucking maniac attacked my client.

209. This fucking people from Chicago, this is all they know,

210. punching and fists.

211. Hey cut the Chicago crap.

212. All you people from L.A. know is how to validate your parking.

213. You are so clever. Hey what's your name?

214. Adam Loderman, Triger agency.

215. Shut the fuck up.

216. Oh, there's blood all over the sheets.

217. It's bad enough that

218. I had to be on the same show as this moron,

219. but then I get assaulted by his fucking dog!

220. I don't have a dog. Did he bite you on the face?

221. No, got between my legs.

222. I tripped. I hit my face on the table.

223. I don't even own a dog.

224. Gene. Is there a dog on the show?

225. Ashley, Siskel, Ritter, Zevon.

226. No dog.

227. Now, I want you to take Mr. Siskel to wardrobe.

228. Get him a new shirt.

229. Couple of ties.

230. This shit doesn't even happen on Montel Williams.

231. I think you should really have that looked at.

232. No, no, no, it's okay. I am fine.

233. Oh, bull, go home. Get some rest.

234. We will have you on early first thing next month.

235. I'm not going home. I'm not letting Larry down.

236. I'm gonna tough it out.

237. Mr. Ritter, Robert Brody, "Entertainment Weekly."

238. Can I talk to you about being a guest on the show?

239. Yeah, look I gotta get cleaned up.

240. Okay?

241. Do you see this? He's a trooper.

242. You know what you should do?

243. You should give him Siskel's time.

244. That's what you should do.

245. If you don't shut the fuck up,

246. I will kick you in the nuts so hard, your dentist will

247. have to work around them at your next cleaning.

248. Ha! Just kidding.

249. Sorry, that's what I meant.

250. Oh, for god sakes.

251. They cannot let go of you.

252. I know. Listen, it's been a delight having you here.

253. I wish we had more time.

254. We have to move on with the rest of the show.

255. It's been— Anytime. We hope you'll come back soon.

256. You know, you're always welcome back.

257. Stay tuned.

258. We will be right back with John Ritter.

259. Clear!

260. Ashley, it is always a joy and a delight.

261. The show is going great so far, huh?

262. Uh, yes.

263. Smooth as silk.

264. I think this is gonna be a best of Larry.

265. Ah. Uh...

266. Gene Siskel will be on next.

267. I thought it was Ritter.

268. Uh no.

269. John Ritter will be batting cleanup. By that time the bases

270. will be loaded.

271. Well, I've got to go.

272. Okay. Thank you.

273. Bye.

274. Bye.

275. My next guest is one half of America's most popular movie

276. reviewing couple.

277. I am a big fan.

278. We are happy to have him from Chicago,

279. please welcome Gene Siskel.

280. Thank you for coming in Gene

281. and nice to see you.

282. I'm a big fan.

283. Well, thank you.

284. Where is Roger tonight because—

285. Well thank you for asking about Roger first Larry.

286. Well, I, uh, I— I— I could rephrase that.

287. (barks) I don't think he likes me.

288. Oh, come on. Look I don't have time for this.

289. Hank needs his midshow water bottle at 6:04.

290. He's friendly right?

291. But Hollywood really misses the boat by

292. not filming good love stories.

293. You see cause, were I dating, I would look in the paper

294. and take a woman to see "Free Willy."

295. And nudge her

296. when he comes you know heaving out of the water.

297. See if she gets the hint.

298. Ahh, son of a—

299. You little son of a bitch! (barks)

300. Artie this goddamn dog bit me.

301. Darlene, come back here!

302. Jesus, it's like running fucking preschool.

303. What'cha got there? Oh it's bleeding.

304. I think I am gonna puke.

305. Oh bullshit, wait just some puncture wounds,

306. no stitches necessary.

307. We'll get you a Tetanus shot right after the show.

308. Right now, I want you to go in my office,

309. top left hand drawer, bottle of brandy.

310. Take a big belt, pour it on that hand.

311. You'll be fine.

312. But it really hurts.

313. Oh, stop being such a fucking baby goddammit Phil.

314. So you jerk off with the other hand for a few weeks.

315. Shouldn't he get a Tetanus shot?

316. Submit your questions in a written form.

317. We'll get to them when we can.

318. Warren.

319. Can't wait to hear you tickle them ivories, dear boy.

320. Thanks.

321. Listen, Artie.

322. I don't wanna be a prick, but you guys want me

323. to play Werewolves of London on the show tonight, right?

324. That's one of Larry's personal favorites.

325. Yeah, well every single show

326. I do, I play Werewolves in London you know.

327. It's driving me fucking crazy.

328. What about your first album?

329. The French— the "French Connection."

330. The French Inhaler?

331. Yeah, that's the one, huh?

332. Is that under four minutes?

333. I'll play it fast.

334. Anything but werewolves.

335. Okay. You got it.

336. Thanks Artie.

337. Fucking musicians.

338. I think the test of a good thriller is really the villain.

339. How good the villain is.

340. If you think about the James Bond films,

341. he is a constant but what you really like, Goldfinger.

342. He was the best villain, so you like "Goldfinger,"

343. so Malkovich is critically important.

344. The same time Eastwood,

345. uh, is a really fine minimalist actor.

346. Uh-hm.

347. He in that scene on the Capital or like Lincoln Memorial

348. where he's comin' on to...

349. Rene Russo.

350. Exactly right.

351. You know maybe I could be Roger?

352. Maybe I could take Roger's place.

353. Well, Gene.

354. Thanks for being here. Just terrific tonight.

355. I wish you could stay but I know you have a plane that you

356. have to get back, going back to Chicago.

357. So, thank you. See you soon.

358. And stay tuned. We'll be right back.

359. Gene, Gene, movie machine.

360. Thank you, sir.

361. We all thank you.

362. Until next time.

363. Thank you Arthur, any time you want me.

364. How about tomorrow night?

365. You were great.

366. Uh, who was that?

367. That was nothing.

368. What do you mean it was nothing?

369. Well, it was Phil.

370. Well, what happened?

371. He shut his hand in the door.

372. Shut his hand in the door?

373. Yes.

374. Well, how did that happen?

375. Well, he put his hand up here in the hinge

376. and closed the door on his—

377. Well no it sounded like this door right here.

378. It sounded like It was his thumb.

379. He got it right in the door.

380. Now actually I have a, I have a bone to pick with you.

381. Really? Yeah.

382. Uh, I went to see that movie "The Crying Game"

383. because you know you gave it such a big rave.

384. It's a great film.

385. Yeah. What's— what's all the hoopla about?

386. You know cause it's supposed to this, I don't know fantastic

387. plot twist and frankly I just,

388. I didn't, I didn't see it.

389. You're kidding. No, no.

390. You're not kidding.

391. No, no.

392. Hank, Stephen Rea's character?

393. Stephen Rea, yes.

394. The woman he falls in love with?

395. That dark-skinned cutie?

396. Hm-mm.

397. She turns out to be a man.

398. I don't think so.

399. Hank, there's a shot in the film.

400. The camera pans down the body.

401. Right below the waist, Yes.

402. There's a penis.

403. I don't think so.

404. Well, you know what?

405. We should have a policy where you can't open or close

406. doors during the show. Absolutely.

407. See, that was the interview. I'll prepare a memo.

408. Good. Send it out tonight.

409. Immediately. Okay. Thank you.

410. Lemme ask you a question.

411. I mean how was she hung?

412. You know you've gotta excuse Hank.

413. It's been years since he's seen a movie without the words

414. busty or stewardess in the title.

415. Mm, this is a little awkward

416. but we are back in four seconds so,

417. Yeah. If you could—

418. You know what he said to me?

419. Wait'll you hear this.

420. Did you see "The Crying Game"?

421. Yeah.

422. That is a man.

423. Welcome back.

424. My next guest is a talented singer and songwriter.

425. His new album is called "Learning to Flinch"

426. and I'm a big fan.

427. Please welcome Warren Zevon.

428. Mr. Ritter,

429. I am ready I am ready,

430. Oh, Jesus.

431. Say if you're not feeling so good, why don't we reschedule?

432. No, no, no,

433. I'm a professional dammit, I can make it.

434. Next week. No, no, no, I am fine.

435. Okay. Let's go.

436. You need anything?

437. No, no. Just a little Dramamine.

438. Well, Zevon's only doing one number.

439. Hey put some of this on it. it stings a little bit but—

440. No, no. I got to focus.

441. Warren Zevon.

442. That was great.

443. Great. Great, Warren, thank you.

444. God, that was great.

445. Do we have time for another?

446. Can you do another Warren?

447. All right.

448. Well, let's do another tune.

449. You know what my favorite—

450. my favorite is, is Werewolves of London.

451. Would you mind doing that?

452. Great!

453. Adam, they fuckin' bumped me?

454. Adam? Come on.

455. John, please. Hey, don't you talk to me.

456. Come on. We were trying to give you more time.

457. All right.

458. Artie. What?

459. Hey gotta go say hi to Warren.

460. Ah-woo! Werewolf—

461. Oh my neck.

462. That really hurt.

463. Arthur this is the last time I am ever doing this show,

464. The last time.

465. You want an interview I'll give you an interview.

466. You keep him away from me.

467. Oh...

468. Warren Zevon.

469. Well, listen, we're out of time.

470. My thanks to all my guests. my apologies to John Ritter,

471. we'll have him on soon and goodnight.

472. See you all soon.

473. Ritter okay?

474. Happy as a clam, he will be on next week.

475. Great show. Thanks.

476. Good job to all of you.

477. Mr. Sanders, Robert Brody from "Entertainment Weekly."

478. Hi nice meeting you. Nice to meet you.

479. Can I ask you a few questions?

480. Ixnay.

481. Sure, fire away.

482. How do you think it went tonight?

483. Good, good, real good.

484. Sometimes it just comes off like clockwork. I think I speak

485. for everyone when I say I can't believe we get paid to do this.

486. When is this coming out by the way?

487. About a month. I'll send you a copy.

488. Good.

489. I've never understood why you read this shit.

490. Because it's an article about the show.

491. I'm sure it's excellent publicity.

492. Excellent publicity?

493. Excellent— Have you seen this,

494. you know what this— this is unbelievable. No.

495. This guy says John Ritter and Gene Siskel got in to a fight,

496. a dog bit Phil, you and Phil were wrestling on the floor,

497. it says you and Elizabeth Ashley were doing god knows

498. what in the wardrobe room.

499. Well, you see what these guys are, they come on the show,

500. it's not exciting enough for them. They make up the shit.