The Larry Sanders Show 2x13

1. Now that sign says, "Applesauce."

2. No, no, no. (audience laughing)

3. I'm kidding, it says, "Applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

5. All right.

6. Now remember, you're all a big part of the show,

7. so the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now can you see this gentleman?

9. He's giving me this— this sign, and it says

10. we're on in ten seconds, so get ready to have a good time.

11. All right, here we go.

12. This is exciting, isn't it?

13. In five, four, three, two...

14. Live on tape from Hollywood,

15. "The Larry Sanders Show."

16. Tonight join Larry and his guests

17. Burt Reynolds, Paula Poundstone,

18. musician Paul Westerberg and me,

19. "Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

20. And now because he's all dressed up with no place to go,

21. Larry Sanders!

22. Thank you, thank you very much.

23. Night after night...

24. Night after night,

25. you can count on me being here.

26. Julia Roberts, it was just recently announced,

27. collapsed on the set of her new movie,

28. and there was immediate speculation that she was pregnant.

29. But it turns out, she— it just finally dawned on her

30. that she had married Lyle Lovett.

31. It would cause anyone just to pass out.

32. The Defense Department just canceled

33. the Star Wars program, which is a shame,

34. because of course it was the most consistent work Mark Hamill ever had.

35. Okay, we'll be right back.

36. No flipping. New products.

37. We'll be back with new products.

38. (music playing) No flipping.

39. You can flip a switch

40. and wake up to the sound of...

41. (clicking) a switch flipping.

42. Mm-hmm. (audience laughing)

43. It's the propmaster flipping me on.

44. That's— that's a thing for machine-gun fire.

45. Jake Woodward, ladies and gentlemen,

46. our substitute band leader tonight...

47. (audience applauds) and this week.

48. Oh boy, where'd you learn to do that, Jake?

49. Um, Juilliard.

50. Money well spent, Jake. Thank you.

51. Okay, let's try another setting.

52. Another setting.

53. Wow, can you imagine waking up to that?

54. Actually, I was wondering if the alarm clock was free later tonight?

55. Yes, indeedy.

56. Oh, well, I think we found a new band leader.

57. I mean, amazing chops, delightful personality. I agree.

58. I'll miss Colin, though.

59. Ah, fucking moron,

60. leaving us to go on tour with Amy Grant?

61. Jesus! Artie, he found God.

62. Blah, blah, blah, blah. (laughs)

63. You know the funny— (laughs) What?

64. Jake Woodward, ain't he funny? What— oh.

65. Yeah, he was good. Yeah, right.

66. Is anyone buying that accent?

67. I mean, it's Yakov Smirnoff time.

68. Hank, we were talking about adding Jake

69. to the "Larry Sanders" family. What do you think?

70. Umm, well, honestly,

71. I think we should keep looking.

72. I mean, I— I have a friend

73. who's flying in over the weekend,

74. and he's the arranger for the Lido Revue

75. at the Stardust in Vegas.

76. Umm, he's very hot. I gotta go.

77. Ah, no, you don't have to go to Vegas, he's coming here.

78. No, I gotta go home.

79. What— wait— are you grabbing my elbow?

80. Am I? Yeah, grabbing my elbow.

81. Please? Thank you. What are you doing?

82. What are you— I'm just—

83. I just want you to— musicians are needy people.

84. I think the last thing we want around us,

85. especially you, is needy people.

86. Yeah I know, you're right. You're right, you're right. Yeah. Yeah.

87. You're fired. (all laughing)

88. All right! You see, now that's funny.

89. Well, let's just take a second and examine it.

90. Why is that funny exactly?

91. Because we've got a rhythm,

92. we've got our magic. You don't— you don't

93. mess that up by throwing an outsider into the mix.

94. All right, you know, I'll think about it.

95. You're right, maybe we're doing this too quickly.

96. I think so. Let's give it another thought.

97. We're thinking about it. Right.

98. We'll think about it. Okay, thank you.

99. I've spoken my piece. I feel better.

100. Okay. Okay.

101. All right, thanks.

102. You'll call Jake's agent tomorrow, hire him.

103. I'll try him right now. Good. Okay, see you tomorrow.

104. Where you going? Gotta go home, Artie.

105. What're you running off for? You gonna clock in?

106. No, Francine and I are having a dinner,

107. and I don't wanna be late.

108. Oh, the little lady has got you on a short lease.

109. That is not what it is, Artie.

110. I fucked this relationship up once,

111. I just don't wanna fuck it up again. Got you.

112. Aren't you forgetting something?

113. No, what?

114. Oh fuck me. Poker at James Coburn's place.

115. Oh god, I did, I forgot. I went through a great deal to arrange this,

116. because you said you were dying to attend.

117. I want to go, but I gotta go home, Artie.

118. The great Jimmy Caan will be there at your request,

119. dying to see you. Let's do it next week, okay?

120. I got the flowers for Francine. Thank you.

121. And I had them bring the car around to the back.

122. Oh, these are great. Have fun, okay?

123. Thank you. Hey, Larry.

124. Hey Jake, good show tonight. Good show. Thank you.

125. I wanted to ask, was it okay I did that bit during the alarm clock thing?

126. Are you kidding? It was truly colossal.

127. Yeah, yeah, it was good. 'Cause I don't wanna be out of line,

128. I don't wanna step on Hank's toes. Oh, screw Hank.

129. (laughs) So it's okay?

130. Yeah, I agree with everything Artie said. Thank you.

131. Except the screwing Hank part, that's a personal judgment call.

132. Francine? I'm home!

133. I hope Larry found my note.

134. God, you know Mom and Dad couldn't believe it,

135. when they heard you were back with him.

136. Mom and Dad couldn't believe it the first time I wore pants.

137. Give me a break. What did they say?

138. Well you know, Mom just shook her head

139. and Dad made a face like somebody farted.

140. I just hope Larry found my note.

141. We were gonna have a nice dinner tonight.

142. He's gonna come home, I won't be there.

143. God, look at this thing. You have no idea.

144. Oh gosh, Larry's really got you on a schedule, huh?

145. This has nothing to do with Larry.

146. You say you're gonna be somewhere at a certain time,

147. you should be there.

148. That's what a mature relationship's all about.

149. Is that Aaron Spelling's house?

150. That's the Mormon Tabernacle.

151. I'm sorry, I think you're crazy.

152. I mean, Larry is such a show biz—

153. God, I don't know—

154. I don't— how do you deal with that?

155. Larry's matured a lot since the last time you saw him.

156. I really think this thing's gonna work this time.

157. Look, it seems to me,

158. Larry just really cares about the show.

159. I mean, that's the whole thing with him—

160. the show, the show, the show.

161. It's like the first thing that comes out of his mouth,

162. every time I see him.

163. "You have to come to the show." Who cares?

164. Larry?

165. Is that him?

166. Larry? Yes.

167. What are you doing?

168. I am— nothing, I'm sitting here having a nice dinner.

169. Where were you? Something came up,

170. I had to pick up Dora at LAX,

171. didn't you— you get my note?

172. No. I left it right over by the door.

173. (laughing) I'm a little pissed off.

174. Get off your ass and say hello to my sister.

175. Hello, Dora, nice to see you. I got you some pudding.

176. Boy. Hi, Larry.

177. You look great.

178. So do you. Thanks.

179. Hey, you'll have to come down to the show.

180. Well, can I use the bathroom?

181. Oh yeah, it's— it's through the kitchen and to the right.

182. It's kinda weird. Don't forget to flush.

183. Or not, it's up to you.

184. Oh boy. You know...

185. I'm sorry. She had a huge fight with Stan.

186. She jumped on a plane, I had to go pick her up.

187. I left you a note.

188. I busted my ass to get here. Do you know that? I know.

189. Do you know the kind of responsibilities I have at work?

190. Artie and I had a very important meeting with James Caan.

191. We can still have dinner.

192. I can't have dinner. I filled up with pudding.

193. Can't have dinner.

194. Were these for me? That's nice.

195. Why are you never here?

196. What? You're never here.

197. I'd like to know why you're never here.

198. What you mean is, why am I never here when you want me?

199. No, I did not— I did not say that.

200. What about me? What about all those times when I'm sitting here alone,

201. while you're off doing the show? What about that?

202. You know? Let's stick to one thing.

203. Is it that— (clears throat) (Dora clears throat)

204. You're out of toilet paper.

205. You know what it is?

206. In most of the relationships you've been involved in,

207. you've been Larry Sanders.

208. You know, "the" Larry Sanders.

209. Yeah. And the women—

210. well, doesn't matter about the women,

211. 'cause you've been "the" Larry Sanders, right?

212. Right. You got to initial right there.

213. So all of a sudden, here comes Francine.

214. I mean, she's her own person,

215. she's got own agenda— uh, initial—

216. and you're not her whole life.

217. You're just a part of her life, and you love her, right?

218. Yeah. But you're having trouble,

219. because you're interpreting her interest in her own life

220. as disinterest in yours.

221. Mm-hmm, that's what I'm doing.

222. Artie, that's what I'm doing.

223. That's what you're doing.

224. Yeah, sign it and initial it here.

225. So if you can get over your old habits...

226. Yeah. then you can work it out,

227. and you won't have a problem.

228. God, you should have a column.

229. Uh, guys, uh,

230. I don't wanna take too much of your time,

231. so I'm just gonna say this real quickly.

232. Hank, if this is about Jake Woodward, I don't wanna hear it.

233. No, it's not about that!

234. Well, what is on your mind, Hank?

235. I'm sorry. I lied. It's about Jake.

236. God dammit, Hank.

237. Now whatever— whatever is best

238. for the show, we do that, right? Yeah.

239. I mean we're a— we're a team, right?

240. I mean, you know, gimme an "L," gimme an "A," gimme an "R,"

241. gimme an "R," gimme a "Y."

242. What's that spell?

243. Come on. What's that spell?

244. Larry.

245. I goddamn like Larry.

246. Jake, my boy, how goes it?

247. You guys wanted to talk to me?

248. Can it wait a minute, pal? We're in the middle

249. of something with Mr. Kingsley. Sure.

250. Yeah. It'll just be a sec

251. or, to use your musical lingo, a couple of half minutes.

252. It's not a problem. I've got an easy schedule.

253. See you later.

254. You see, Larry, it— "shedule."

255. Larry, if he stays or if he goes,

256. that's your decision.

257. I'm just gonna— I'm gonna support that.

258. Hank. We're bringing Jake on as the new band leader.

259. That okay with you?

260. Thank you.

261. Welcome to the show.

262. Well— all right, fine, great.

263. Thank you.

264. Bill Clinton said today from the economic summit in Tokyo—

265. he said— Bill Clinton said that the Republicans' budget plan

266. is all smoke and mirrors.

267. I mean, this guy cannot stop using drug references.

268. How about you, Jake?

269. Jake, did you vote for Clinton?

270. No, but, umm, I think I sold him some pot

271. when he was at Oxford, actually.

272. (audience laughing) Yes, he was there.

273. And let me tell you, he definitely inhaled.

274. He just... exhaled, you know.

275. Our commander-in-grief.

276. What does that mean, Hank? "Commander-in-grief"?

277. Our commander-in-grief, because he is giving us

278. so many problems.

279. All right.

280. I think may be Clinton's not the only one in trouble.

281. We'll be right back. Thank you. No flipping.

282. Jake, you were very funny out there.

283. Thanks, thanks. Good job, Jake.

284. I'm having a fucking blast out there. Good, good.

285. I gotta tell you, the difference that you make—

286. gee, the energy.

287. You can really feel it boiling out there.

288. I mean, can't you, Larry?

289. You okay, Hank? Sure, never better.

290. And let me just say that I noticed that

291. the birds in the audience

292. (British accent) were quite taken with you.

293. Birds? The ladies.

294. Ah, the ladies. I see. Yeah, yes.

295. The squealing after the number.

296. Thanks for switching on the squeal sound.

297. No, no, no. Come on. Don't be modest.

298. No, don't be.

299. I think the ladies did love you there, Jake,

300. and, Hank, I would hurry up.

301. You don't wanna miss that bus to Carnaby Street.

302. Just one second, please.

303. Uh, don't mess with me, Mr. Musicman.

304. I am warning you. You step on my turf again, and you are going down.

305. You dig? Chill out.

306. Yeah. Well, I'll chill out when you fucking get out.

307. You're touching my fucking arm, Hank.

308. (British accent) Oh, am I?

309. Yes, you are. Am I— am I really? Oh, sorry.

310. (normal voice) I'm warning you.

311. Hello, Arthur.

312. Francine, my beauty.

313. God, tonight's show was the cake,

314. but you definitely are the icing. Well, thank you.

315. And don't tell me this delightful young woman—

316. This is my sister, Dora.

317. Of course, a double dollop of icing.

318. You remember Arthur. He produces the show.

319. Yes. Hi. Hello, Dora.

320. Hi, Francine. Beverly, Dora. Dora, Beverly.

321. Dora, how are you?

322. I'm fine, fine. Good.

323. Larry, just a few things here.

324. I need these eight-by-tens signed so they can go out tonight.

325. Here are your tickets for San Francisco. Good, good, good.

326. And this one is to Kelli with an "I." Okay. You have the gold pen?

327. Oh yeah. You're going to San Francisco?

328. When? Yeah.

329. We're going. You know, this Friday.

330. We are going out for—

331. I'm doing that one-nighter at Circle Star Theater.

332. We talked about this weeks ago. I don't think so.

333. Yeah. Maybe Beverly mentioned it to you.

334. No. Well, it'll be fun.

335. I'm not going. The Creative Action Coalition is having

336. a barbeque for Barbara Boxer.

337. I promised them I'd go and maybe do a story on it.

338. Well, can't you cancel?

339. Why is it that you think that whatever you're doing is

340. so much more important than whatever I am doing?

341. I did not— I never said that.

342. What I said was I would like us

343. to go to San Francisco for the weekend together.

344. I'd like to stress that I said the word "together." Right.

345. Are you actually asking me to quit my job?

346. No, I never said anything about quitting your job.

347. But that's what you're thinking. I did not.

348. Why don't you at least admit it? I— what?

349. Being in a relationship requires sacrifice.

350. That's what it is.

351. I was here last night, on time.

352. Yeah, okay, well, so,

353. you know I'll just quit my job and then you can just quit

354. your fuckin show, then we'll just be like this 24 hours a day.

355. How's that? Good.

356. That would be great.

357. Together, like this?

358. (laughs) Hey, great.

359. Wouldn't that be great? Oh, screw it.

360. Your show is on in five minutes. Enjoy it.

361. It's on in...

362. Did any of Johnny's wives work?

363. Well, they were fully functional.

364. Is that the question? No, not exactly, Artie.

365. But, that's good to know.

366. I mean, did they have a lot of outside interests?

367. You mean, besides revolving around Johnny

368. like so many moons around Jupiter?

369. No. Yes. Well, first of all,

370. all of Johnny's wives had the same first name,

371. so that confused things from the get go.

372. Listen, Larry, Jesus, god.

373. Francine's got a job. Big deal.

374. My first wife was working 12-hour days

375. when we first got married.

376. Yeah? Well, how did you handle that?

377. I fired her ass. She was my secretary.

378. My name is Hank Kingsley. How do you do?

379. You gonna be great.

380. Get word back to Larry that this— they're— they're great.

381. Okay? All right.

382. So, let's see.

383. Oh, over there, a very important gentlemen, Kent.

384. Say hello to Kent, our stage manager.

385. Now, Kent is very important.

386. Now, show 'em that contraption that you're wearing.

387. Please. You see?

388. Now that allows him to talk directly to the director, or so you think.

389. But he's not doing that. He's ordering dinner.

390. He is actually hooked up directly to the McDonald's on Alameda.

391. Who is that over—

392. that's Jack Woodword, ladies and gentlemen,

393. our band leader.

394. It's Jake actually, Hank,

395. in case you forgot. Jake.

396. Jack Woodword, very fortunate to have him here.

397. He— we outbid some of the finest high school marching bands

398. to get him in— right here tonight.

399. Yeah, actually, I do miss my baton and furry hat.

400. Warming up here. Interesting, when those drugs

401. just kick in like that. Isn't it?

402. Isn't that great? Yeah.

403. But, he's doing very well. Very well.

404. We are very glad to have him here, especially since those—

405. those charges against having sex with minors has been dropped.

406. It has been dropped. Hasn't it?

407. Now...

408. Let's see. Where am I?

409. Oh yeah, you see these—

410. (chuckles) Excuse me, you see these...

411. uh, signs over here that says, "Applesauce."

412. No, they don't say, "Applesauce."

413. They say, "Applause." Can I hear you applaud?

414. (applauding) Come on! Come on!

415. What the hell are you fuckin do?

416. You lost your goddamn fucking mind?

417. Well, I'm sorry.

418. I mean, I think they— the audience knew—

419. they knew I was joking. (mockingly grunts)

420. That-that— that audience comes on buses, Hank.

421. They can barely tell when I'm joking.

422. Hi, Phil. (gasps) Oh!

423. Jesus, what time is it?

424. Umm, 6:40.

425. Good, I missed the show.

426. I still can't believe you're bringing him dinner at his office.

427. It's romantic. No. It's pathetic.

428. You have to protect yourself. You have to give yourself—

429. keep yourself at a safe distance.

430. I have been keeping myself at such a safe distance from Larry,

431. I'm turning into a jerk.

432. You remember how bad things were back when you were married?

433. I was an idiot back then, and at some point

434. you get over it, right?

435. Okay.

436. Okay, I— it's your life.

437. Okay.

438. Come on, come on. Let's go.

439. This place gives me the creeps.

440. Here's the key to my car and my apartment.

441. You're not coming?

442. I'll be at Larry's tonight.

443. All right?

444. Well, okay, in my own defense, you know, that—

445. that joke about sex with minors? Uh-huh.

446. I think I confused them. I think they actually thought I meant miners.

447. You know, real miners down in the mine.

448. They did not. Hey, Hank, that was a real delight.

449. Child molestation? Very classy.

450. Very funny. All right, Jake.

451. You know, I am not having some clown in a fucking girdle

452. talking about me like that.

453. Listen... Mmm.

454. We're-we're— we're talking about this.

455. Let's cool down. All right. No. Number one— number one— number one,

456. I wear this girdle for medical reasons.

457. (humphs) All right? I am performing with pain.

458. Jesus fucking Christ. All right? And number two, asshole...

459. All right! is that if I am a clown,

460. it's because I am funny and you're not,

461. dick face. You are a joke. A joke.

462. That's right. Yeah. Exactly.

463. God dammit. Settle down. Act like gentlemen.

464. Hi. Who's that?

465. Francine. Hello.

466. Honey, what are you doing here?

467. I thought we'd have a little after-show picnic, you know?

468. Oh, that is great.

469. Oh, you got my favorite cheese with the mold.

470. I got your cheese and a really great bottle of wine.

471. Yeah, that would be great. What do you say?

472. I'm in. Picnic.

473. Let's do it in my office. It's sort of—

474. Larry, can I talk to you? Come on, Larry.

475. Yeah. Let me— I just have to do this.

476. Okay. And then I'll be right there.

477. Okay? It will just be a minute.

478. Jake, I apologize, and Hank apologizes.

479. Don't you, Hank? Damn right he does. Go ahead.

480. All right, I apologize, okay? All right.

481. I apologize. Great. (Artie mumbles)

482. All right, what I said, what I did out there was out of line.

483. But this— this is just for right here, okay?

484. So take your— you know, your tea and your crumpets

485. and Queen Mum and shove 'em up your jolly old rectum.

486. Ah, great. Jesus.

487. Larry. I'm sorry. Look, I've really had enough.

488. No, I am quitting. I quit.

489. Oh man. What do you mean you're quitting?

490. This will take one— one second. Just a second.

491. What do you mean you're quitting?

492. I'm sorry. I can't carry on like that.

493. You know doing something like this takes sacrifice.

494. Okay? Everybody has to sacrifice.

495. Absolutely. I'm sorry.

496. I have no idea what that means. I am getting my gear.

497. You don't know what that means? No, no idea.

498. Fucking preschool. Can I be excused? I have got to go meet

499. Get her. Get your hands off my fucking equipment!

500. Well, sounds like a rumble.

501. This equipment belongs to "The Larry Sanders Show,"

502. featuring me, "Hey now" Hank Kingsley!

503. What are you— You limey piece of shit!

504. Take your hands off me! (clattering)

505. I was here first!

506. Hey, hey, hey, hey! All right, all right! Get off him, Artie!

507. Honey, I'm really—

508. You know, this is really good cheese.

509. Where is she?

510. She left 20 minutes ago. She did?

511. Are you kidding? No, you want some wine?

512. No. I gotta go home.

513. Okay. Was she, uh... upset?

514. What do you think?

515. Right. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine.