The Larry Sanders Show 2x12

1. Mr. President?

2. Should I say Larry? Yeah, why don't you just say Larry?

3. Has anyone else done this idea yet?

4. Only JoJo in the commissary.

5. Can I take some time to think about it, please?

6. Okay.

7. Happy birthday, Larry.

8. Um, I just want to say that you,

9. above all are the man, myth, legend.

10. The man who makes all things happen.

11. Easy.

12. Um...

13. what were you doing with that video camera a little earlier?

14. Um, the insurance people

15. wanted a visual inventory of the office property.

16. Uh-huh. Well, listen, you know,

17. I, I, I know that everyone wants

18. to make my birthday special and everything—

19. No, not this year, I promise.

20. Okay, good, because you know, I, I, I—

21. my birthday is depressing enough as it is and I—

22. good intentions aside,

23. I think it never comes out right.

24. Fine, not this year.

25. Don't try to do something special.

26. Not this year. Good, so you'll make sure.

27. Yes, fine. Okay.

28. And let's not even open the cards this year.

29. Fine. Have there been many?

30. Have they been coming in?

31. Okay, good, never mind.

32. I, I, I really don't want to do this.

33. Um, nobody is even thinking about your birthday, Larry.

34. Good.

35. Happy birthday, Larry, I really mean that.

36. What is your real age anyway?

37. 'Cause and while you're at it,

38. why don't you give me your real weight because— Make it saucy.

39. for a 55-year-old guy you look a little heavy.

40. Uh, but, no, the main thing is, is that

41. this is your special day so enjoy.

42. Ah, sounded almost sincere.

43. Well you can't fake feelings like that.

44. What the hell is that? Who is that guy?

45. That's, ah, well, Mike Patterson,

46. the guy that wrote Larry's stuff in the American Music Awards.

47. That wasn't bad. It sucked, man.

48. I wrote with him on the Tonys in '88, remember?

49. He spent the whole time kissing Joel Grey's ass.

50. Is this the right placement, Ed, huh?

51. This mic? Okay.

52. A little too delicate for Larry?

53. Uh, Artie, what's the deal with Make Patterson?

54. Mike Patterson. He's a very funny guy,

55. a lot of great ideas.

56. Larry and I think he'll make a delightful

57. addition to our staff.

58. I didn't know we were in the market

59. for a delightful addition to our staff.

60. Well the fact is Larry's wanted Mike for ages

61. but he didn't want to move to LA.

62. What finally convinced him, the quality of our riots?

63. Ha! As usual,

64. I'd like to more of that humor on the page.

65. You know, Artie, Phil and I have developed

66. a certain kind of rhythm working together.

67. As a bonus, I hear Mike's a fun guy to have in the room.

68. Meaning what, he likes practical jokes?

69. Sure, you know, the old thumb tack on the chair,

70. peanut butter in the wallet.

71. Whatever the fuck you guys are always giggling about.

72. Ed, let's test this mic over here.

73. Okay, mashed potatoes,

74. mashed potatoes, all right, you got it?

75. All right, take a break. You know, Artie,

76. I'm glad that we had this dialog

77. because it's important that we all agree

78. that Mike's the right thing to do,

79. 'cause you know there's a certain kind of rhythm,

80. you know, that we have going—

81. A delicate balance, you would say?

82. A delicate balance, yeah. Right.

83. Well, I'm so glad you're glad

84. because Mike will be here in half an hour.

85. When you think about it, man, my option

86. is up in a month, right?

87. It's no coincidence they're bringing this guy in.

88. Your option's up in a month?

89. Yeah, when is your option up?

90. In a week. Right there.

91. Guys?

92. I just want to make sure that neither of you are giving Larry

93. the same present that I am.

94. Shetland pony?

95. Hey, you're not smarting off to me again, are you?

96. No. Oh.

97. I'm sorry. I am giving Larry this beautiful gold bracelet.

98. You're not giving him jewelry of any kind, is that right?

99. You wanna give him this, Hank?

100. Yeah, why, it's beautiful. I mean, I'd buy it for myself

101. if I had the money.

102. It, you know, it just looks like something,

103. I don't know like Sammy Davis Jr. would have worn.

104. Oh, thanks. What are you guys getting him?

105. Uh... I'm getting him a 1957

106. Mickey Mantle autographed baseball.

107. Oh my, that's perfect!

108. That's per— ah, you win!

109. I mean, oh, Larry loves baseball.

110. I thought, I thought we were gonna get him

111. gag gifts this year?

112. Oh!

113. Um, you guys know any other baseball players

114. Larry really, really likes?

115. You guys hear me? Well, get back to me on it.

116. Fuck, I bought Larry plastic vomit.

117. I should get him something really good, shouldn't I?

118. Only if it comes from the heart.

119. Guys, this is, uh, Mike Patterson.

120. Hey, how's it going? Hi. Phil.

121. Mike. Hey. Good to see you.

122. So what, uh, how do you like it so far, Mike?

123. Oh, it's, it's, it's really great.

124. But, you know, where do you guys park?

125. Because I am parked by the American Gladiator set

126. and, I mean, I'm pretty sure I parked in Nitro's space,

127. you know, I'm just— I mean, not that it matters.

128. He'll probably just pick the car up and move it.

129. Come on, let me show you, uh, the rest of what

130. I sadly call my family.

131. Oh, sure, okay.

132. Um, seriously, is there any spots available?

133. I'm sure one will be opening up very soon.

134. Oh, okay, great. See ya.

135. Did you see that? Larry can hardly even look at me?

136. I know. I saw it. It wasn't my imagination?

137. I don't think so. Oh shit!

138. Well, how goes it, birthday boy?

139. Oh geez, please, Artie.

140. Oh damn it. I'm so sorry.

141. I'm sorry to remind you of the important decision to make.

142. As you know, we can't afford to keep all of the writers

143. since we brought in the great Mike Patterson.

144. I know, I know.

145. Larry, you can no longer put this off,

146. so you want me to tell them?

147. Well look, why don't we, uh,

148. can we wait a while and see how they all work out together?

149. Just want to throw them all in the cage together

150. and see who survives?

151. That, that would be up to you.

152. Okay.

153. Chip? Yeah.

154. I have no idea what to get Larry.

155. Well, you know, he likes electronic gadgets.

156. Right, thanks, Bev.

157. Oh, there you are! There's a special delivery

158. from O'Malley's liquor. Oh, wunderbar!

159. It's Larry's birthday present. Is he in?

160. Oh no, no, you don't have to worry about him.

161. He's showing Mike around.

162. Arthur, let me ask you something.

163. Why do you get Larry the same bottle of booze every year?

164. My dear, I'd hardly call Cognac booze.

165. Louis XIII is much, much more than Cognac.

166. Oh, Larry loves the stuff.

167. Well after four sips he fell asleep at the Christmas party.

168. Exactly, that's what Larry likes to do.

169. Sign right here, sir.

170. What the hell is this?

171. Including a $5 rush delivery, it's $32.12.

172. Excuse me? $32.12.

173. There's been a mistake. I ordered Louis XIII.

174. A fifth of Grand Orsage is $27.

175. Grand Osage? Larry doesn't drink that shit.

176. It's like hot piss. I ordered Louis XIII.

177. Okay, they gave Julio Gallo a very nice funeral.

178. The only problem was when it was time to close the casket,

179. nobody could find the cork.

180. Well how about, uh, the eulogy was subtle but fruity.

181. No, that's bad. Phil—

182. Where are the six jokes that I wrote for this?

183. No, I ordered that bottle of Cognac over a month ago.

184. Monday is too late. I need it today.

185. Well why not? Ah! Well, thank you

186. but that information is absolutely useless.

187. Artie, can I talk to you for a second.

188. Why not.

189. Uh, I don't want to cross a line

190. but Phil and I are having a hard time working with Mike.

191. What's the problem? What— what isn't the problem?

192. It's his first day. Give it time.

193. I know that but, uh—

194. it's obvious the guy is not gonna work out, okay?

195. And I know that Phil's option is up in a week, okay?

196. And I just don't think it's fair that you—

197. Jerry, we only brought Mike in

198. to take some pressure off of you,

199. so your work might be better.

200. I think our work is fine.

201. I'm taking about you, your work, Jerry's work. Excuse me.

202. Hey, Roddy, how's the beautiful Valerie?

203. Look, if Larry had a problem with my work, why didn't he say something, you know?

204. I mean, why the fuck do I have to hear this from you?

205. Goddamn you.

206. Look, your behavior has been consistently unprofessional.

207. You come in late, you take naps in your office,

208. you pick girls out in the audience line up and ask for their numbers.

209. And you have fucked at least three interns

210. that I know about, one right out there behind the fucking desk.

211. You'd have to be a genius to get away with that kind of stuff.

212. So...

213. Well, you're not getting away with it, Jerry.

214. Wait a minute, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

215. You want me to spell it out for you?

216. Yeah.

217. Our budget can't support one more writer.

218. Oh, my god, it's me.

219. That's right. Don't sweat it, kiddo.

220. It's a good deal. You're getting fired—

221. they have to pay you for a month.

222. three, two...

223. Artie? Don't come out here.

224. Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.

225. Tonight join Larry and his guests...

226. Great, so everyone, this is gonna be fine.

227. Just do it in black ink. Hank?

228. That's a beautiful bracelet.

229. Oh, thanks, you like it?

230. Is that supposed to be for Larry?

231. No, no, no, I just fell in love with this beauty

232. so I, I treated myself because I deserve it.

233. But I got the perfect gift for Larry so if I were you,

234. I'd get him something very special.

235. Goodbye, Hank. Bye, see you tomorrow.

236. No, I won't be in tomorrow. Friday then.

237. Who wants to go to The Smoke House and get fuckin' hammered?

238. All right, I am in.

239. Larry's birthday, right? Is Larry coming?

240. Oh no, no, no. Look at this, oh, c'mon.

241. Who got him that exercise bike?

242. That's the network's gift to Larry.

243. Oh, that is so unfair.

244. The network owns the company that makes those.

245. The cost to them is nothing.

246. Do you know anything about baseball players?

247. Uh, how's the lighting?

248. I'm worried that the one spotlight makes me look insane.

249. You know Jerry just got fired?

250. Oh, my god, no, that's terrible.

251. Jerry? I thought he was doing a good job.

252. Oh, Larry in one of his pissy moods?

253. Uh, Hank? Yes?

254. Could you just say "happy birthday"?

255. Sure.

256. You know, I ll never forget the—

257. take over, take over, okay, all right?

258. And if I start to cry, you just keep it rolling.

259. I ll never forget the night we had Clint Eastwood on this show,

260. big star.

261. Walks out, sits down, doesn't shake my hand.

262. You know, I'll never forget this.

263. You know what Larry did? He said, "Clint, do you know Hank?"

264. And do you know what that simple gesture did?

265. It just made my day.

266. Happy Birthday, buddy.

267. You get it? Good. Yes.

268. Doesn't help when that's upside down.

269. I'm sorry, Hank, but, you know, you didn't say, "big, big star."

270. Yes, I did, I said— I said "big, big star."

271. No, you said "big star."

272. Oh well, we gotta take it again, I'm sorry.

273. Beverly, we— Oh.

274. Hey, Jerry.

275. How about that Denny's bit I had?

276. You know, Larry walks into a Denny's,

277. asks for a birthday meal.

278. Boy, that— that sounds good, Jer.

279. You know, I was actually in Wendell's this morning

280. around 4 o'clock having breakfast,

281. some guy offered to blow me for three bucks.

282. What did you do? Jerry, what did you do?

283. Well I give the guy three bucks. He looked like he could use it.

284. But, but what did he do, Jerry?

285. Hey, is someone gonna take our lunch order or what?

286. You know, uh, I'll check.

287. Great, thanks.

288. Jerry, what are you doing?

289. I'm working.

290. Well, listen, didn't you like leave the show yesterday?

291. Yeah, you know, we can— everyone gets weird, okay.

292. Everything is cool. Okay, yeah.

293. So, right, everything is cool.

294. Hey, man, will you come outside with me because I—

295. Want to work outside? Please, yeah.

296. All right. Yeah, bring all your stuff.

297. Okay, you sure? Yeah.

298. Hey, you know, what do you think about that birthday thing?

299. I think it's great. It's good because you thought it was funny before.

300. You know, because you know he only eats egg whites.

301. It's funny though. Let's take the stairs.

302. But you have no marks on your face.

303. You don't look like one of those fighters

304. who's been through the mill.

305. You're, if I may say, a very good-looking man.

306. What you—

307. Now is that because you really didn't get—

308. you really didn't get hit in the face that much.

309. Now hold it, hold it. So let me, so, so let me—

310. Hey, Joe, what'd you get him for his birthday?

311. A book about dogs.

312. What the fuck?

313. I heard that he likes dogs.

314. Where the fuck did you hear that?

315. I read it somewhere.

316. How about you, Jim?

317. And, uh, is it out now or coming out?

318. It will be out. Roughly when?

319. Have you shot it yet?

320. It's done. It's a done deal.

321. Okay, but have you done— but are you in the video?

322. It's my video.

323. Okay, so I'm a little slow, all right.

324. What I'm saying is have you, have you made the video yet?

325. Have you been in the studio and done it?

326. Now here's what I'm saying, you say it's not out yet,

327. you know, don't get me angry.

328. This conversation is not unlike what it must be to fight you,

329. because you feel like— you know, you're surprising me

330. and it's and I'm not that kind— I'm doing the best I can,

331. but what I'm saying is the video is not out in the stores yet, right.

332. But is the video, have you made the video?

333. Let me walk you through this. All right.

334. The video is done. The video's done!

335. Yes. But it's not out yet. All right.

336. Yeah, that's all, I didn't hear you say

337. and if you did, I apologize.

338. I didn't hear you say it was done. August.

339. Those are, those are sissy shoes.

340. What you should get him is a new tie.

341. Would you look at that thing?

342. Knock that shit off, you guys.

343. Sorry, Artie. Listen, I picked that

344. fucking goddamn tie out myself.

345. Which one of you guys has got a problem with that?

346. You, you are you doing something...

347. That's what I thought.

348. There's another thing I want to ask you.

349. And you know that when I touch you it's not because you're good-looking.

350. Now...

351. You, you, are you doing something for Nintendo as well?

352. You're developing a game, is that right?

353. I didn't produce that.

354. You what? I didn't produce that.

355. I'm in, okay, what's coming out Electro Brain is—

356. they put together this new game for Nintendo

357. called Legends of the Ring and they will feature me

358. along with Thomas Hearns and Marvin Hagler,

359. with all the great middle weights. Right.

360. And I was very honored to be a part of the,

361. that group of great champions.

362. So that should be out hopefully, uh, by Christmas.

363. Have you made that yet?

364. Hello, yes. No, it's Louis XIII.

365. It's the same shit I buy every year.

366. No, Cognac. Cognac!

367. Booze, hooch, huh?

368. Oh, go fuck yourself.

369. Before I leave, I wanna say my son Jarrel's over there,

370. my nephew JR, and they want me to say— to wave to them.

371. Surprise!

372. Beverly, didn't I ask you— I know, but I surprised you, didn't I?

373. You did, you totally surprised me, oh, you guys.

374. Okay, okay, open this first.

375. Oh, what is this, Louis XIII?

376. Oh, what would a birthday be without some Louis XIII.

377. Thank you, Artie. Thank you very much.

378. It's from Hank! Yeah, this is Louis XIII.

379. This is a $1,100 a bottle, $75 a shot.

380. And this is the last bottle in the Western U.S.

381. Goddamn right it is. Hank, come here.

382. Here you go.

383. Oh, Darlene, you shouldn't have.

384. You didn't need to— look, look at what she got.

385. How did you know? What is it?

386. A calculator! Because I know you love—

387. Math, I love math. Gadgets.

388. And gadgets. Math and gadgets, thank you.

389. Thank you, Darlene.

390. Wow, those are great.

391. That's one of those virtual reality systems.

392. Oh, boy.

393. Well, I feel like LeVar Burton

394. in Roots: The Next Generation.

395. Well I could go on and on.

396. Is that a better gadget then a calculator?

397. Oh Larry, Hank has something he'd like to say.

398. Yeah, Larry, I hope I made it clear

399. that Cognac is from both Arthur and myself.

400. Just wanted to make that clear.

401. So you both pitched in?

402. No— Hank, come here.

403. It's, uh, time to blow out the candles!

404. Thank you. Oh, you got a cake.

405. Oh no, you shouldn't have done all that. All right, all right—

406. Larry, before you blow out the candles,

407. Hank has something he'd like to say.

408. Yeah, uh, Artie and I both pitched in on the Cognac.

409. Just wanna make that real clear.

410. Thank you again.

411. All right, I'm gonna blow out the candles and then we'll be—

412. Francine! we'll be done.

413. What a delight.

414. What's going on? Whose birthday is it?

415. Gosh, Francine, didn't Darlene call you?

416. I thought you were gonna call.

417. Oh my god, who threw up, what is that?

418. That's my gift to Larry.

419. Hey, thanks!

420. Could you blow out the candles?

421. This cake is heavy.

422. Go on.

423. Was that, was that a cake, you got a cake there?

424. Well Larry, is this, is this your little way

425. of letting me know that I've been fired?

426. Hey, you don't belong here, Jerry.

427. I'm saying that what, we could all be friends?

428. Fuck you, okay? Because "A"--

429. I know I've been fired. Artie told me.

430. And "B," if you think I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks

431. you're out of your fuckin' mind.

432. Get the fuck out of here! Because I have just enough integrity left,

433. just enough to get the hell out of here,

434. and get on with my life

435. with my much bigger and much better plans, okay.

436. So you can take your little cake

437. and you can shove it right up your fuckin' ass.

438. Shove it up your ass!

439. Best party I've ever had.

440. Come on.

441. This is great. Working out great.

442. I'm sorry. You've had your say now.

443. I'm sorry. I feel very calm.

444. All right, I'm letting go.

445. I feel—

446. I feel at peace for the first time in my life.

447. I'd like to kiss you, man. I'm watching you, Jerry.

448. All right. It's all right, Artie.

449. All right, Jerry. I'm watching you, man.

450. Okay.

451. Come on now, come on. Let's go smoke

452. and get some fresh air. Oh, Lar?

453. Here you go, it's from the new guy.

454. I got you a baseball. See, it's autographed by Hank Aaron right there.

455. Mike, thanks— Hey, what are you doing, man?

456. I was gonna— I was gonna give you a Mickey Mantle one.

457. I got it in the car! I got a Mickey Mantle one.

458. Come on, get out of here.

459. This is, uh— someone scared Darlene.

460. Darlene, please. Darlene got scared.

461. Uh, Larry.

462. Someone take care of Darlene. She got upset.

463. I have a surprise for you in the office.

464. I'll never forget the night we had Clint Eastwood on the show.

465. Oh, big star, and Clint comes out, he sits down,

466. doesn't shake my hand, I don't know, and I'll never forget,

467. you know, the first thing Larry does, he says,

468. "Clint, you know Hank."

469. You know what that simple gesture did?

470. It made my day.

471. Happy birthday, buddy.

472. Happy birthday, Larry Sanders. I remember right before

473. I gave up stand-up I was at Catch a Rising Star

474. and I was bombing horribly and there was one guy in the back

475. that was laughing and it was you.

476. I don't know if you remember that, but it was cool.

477. You were the one that told me that I should take up writing

478. and thanks for that.

479. I don't know, it was cool. I won't forget it.

480. I'm glad you were born. Happy birthday.

481. Where's Jerry? Happy Birthday, Larry...

482. Ah, he's coming out of the building

483. going out in the parking lot.

484. Oh, come on, let him go.

485. Come on, we're having a fuckin' party here.

486. Let him make a clean break.

487. I'm better than this. I gotta talk to him.

488. Jerry. What?

489. Get away from the car, man. Fuck you.

490. Come on, Larry, get— he's picking up a rock.

491. Come on, get away from the window.

492. Happy birthday, asshole.

493. Listen, man, I'm sorry I can't be there with you in person.

494. But anyway, here's to 43 great more years.

495. You take care of yourself.