The Larry Sanders Show 2x11

1. Larry Sanders: Please welcome Hugh Hefner.

2. Hugh Hefner, everyone.

3. It's a pleasure. I don't do this very often.

4. No, you don't do this very often,

5. and that's why it's special that you're here, Hef.

6. May I call you Hef? You may.

7. Okay, and you can call me Larry.

8. Okay, Larry.

9. Um, tell me how you select these women.

10. I've always wished that I could be in on that selection process.

11. How does this all start?

12. Well it begins with, um, uh, pictures coming in to the magazine,

13. and sometimes by photographers,

14. sometimes the girls themselves send the pictures in

15. and if they look promising then test shots are made,

16. and if the test shots look promising then they go ahead and do the centerfold.

17. I see, you don't have any of those test shots with you, do you?

18. I don't, I—

19. Now, you are married now, right?

20. I am indeed.

21. And, uh— With two, two small boys.

22. Two small boys, so future playboys.

23. So to say.

24. How does your wife deal with the business,

25. because after all you're surrounded by just

26. gorgeous women, is that ever a problem?

27. Well remember, she was a Playmate of the Year.

28. Well, I didn't want to say anything, but,

29. yeah, we've all seen her.

30. And you're a lucky man, very lucky man.

31. Good for you. I am a lucky man, yes.

32. How did you meet her?

33. Well, she happened to be, as a matter of fact

34. she was already in the magazine,

35. uh, and her centerfold had already appeared.

36. And she was here in Los Angeles

37. staying at the mansion,

38. shooting a pictorial with Helmut Newton.

39. So did you bump into her at the mansion?

40. Yes, I asked her— we were watching a movie one night

41. and I asked her if she wanted to watch a film with me.

42. Now you, this is, this is great.

43. You have this great advantage because these woman are

44. in your house to begin with, they're in your house.

45. And I've already seen test photos.

46. And you've seen test photos, so it's kind of like you're walking,

47. maybe you're going to the kitchen to get

48. something from the fridge and you bump into Miss January.

49. Yes, that's the way it is, the way it is.

50. And you say, hey,

51. that's about all you need to say 'cause you're—

52. "Hey" often works. "Hey" is all you need.

53. All right, we'll come right back with more Hugh Hefner.

54. Stay tuned. Don't flip around.

55. You have a little hair up there

56. coming down.

57. All right, when we come back, we'll go into the scenario

58. about your wife being jealous about your work.

59. I'd rather stay away from that.

60. Excuse me, Hef, you're doing great.

61. Thank you.

62. Um, I just want you to know that

63. it is an honor to be this close to you.

64. Well, thank you very much, Frank.

65. You know what?

66. Um, in my bedroom, in a box next to my bed,

67. I have every tape of every Playboy After Dark ever made.

68. I take that as a real compliment.

69. Yes.

70. You know I do quite a lot of reading

71. about the parties at the mansion, whew,

72. that would be a hoot to be invited to one of those.

73. I imagine it would be.

74. Darlene, can I have some water.

75. Want some? No, no. Thank you.

76. Go ahead, I don t have anything.

77. No, really.

78. Thank you.

79. Who is that?

80. That's my assistant Darlene,

81. Darlene Chapinni.

82. She's, uh, she's from Madison, Wisconsin,

83. and her hobbies include—

84. Is he bothering you?

85. horseback riding, old movies. Mm-hmm.

86. Yeah, he is, isn't he? I'm sorry.

87. But Jesus, did you see the way Hank was all over Hefner.

88. He did everything but hump his leg.

89. You must have looked away for a second.

90. You know, I have to, uh,

91. get going because— you know where my keys are?

92. Oh, I got them. Well— okay.

93. I have to get my place ready for the Architectural Digest people.

94. But that's late tomorrow.

95. Yeah, but, you know, I want it to look, you know, perfect.

96. I have never seen you get

97. so excited over a piece of publicity.

98. It's Architectural Digest. I always wanted my house in there

99. ever since I saw, you know, Carson's place.

100. Oh, Johnny Carson.

101. That, that, that was a wonderful house. Great house.

102. Yes, you used to be able to stand on the roof

103. and watch Angie Dickinson sunbathe.

104. You know, the problem I have is Francine doesn't

105. want to be in any of those photos. Ah.

106. Well, what do you think I should do?

107. Oh, no, no, no.

108. I refuse to get involved in this, absolutely no.

109. All right, but you're coming over a little later, right?

110. In about an hour. You want me, you want me to bring anything?

111. Uh, you know what, the, there's a plant on the talk show set,

112. just to my left, the big one? Why don't you grab—

113. What about this one? This is a Mediterranean Ficus.

114. It's a very classy plant,

115. look perfect next to your fireplace.

116. You think so? No. Yes!

117. Darlene, after many years of trying, Hank Kingsley

118. is going to appear in Playboy.

119. You got the interview.

120. I knew it would happen someday, Hank.

121. I'm so happy for you.

122. Well, thank you. This is great.

123. Thank you. It's actually not the interview,

124. it's a, it's a, it's a feature about women who work in television.

125. But, Hank, you're a man.

126. Right, but you're a woman.

127. Now it's a, it's a, it's a piece

128. and it's called "The Sidekick's Sidekick."

129. And it has some shots of you and me in the office

130. and on the set and out on the town

131. and mostly it's a spread about you.

132. They want me to pose?

133. Sorry?

134. Pose? Uh, uh, yeah.

135. Naked? Uh, naked, yeah.

136. I, uh, I didn't ask but I would assume, yeah.

137. I'm flattered, Hank, but I just don't—

138. Right. This would—

139. But hear me out, hear me out,

140. because I said "but" at first also.

141. Uh, sit down, Darlene.

142. You see, Darlene,

143. my dad, Henry Kingsley Senior,

144. was a charter subscriber to Playboy.

145. He adored that magazine and all that it stood for.

146. Sweet.

147. And now, I finally have that chance to make my dad proud.

148. Your dad's passed away, isn't he, Hank?

149. We think so, we're not sure.

150. He, uh, he left when I was seven.

151. Anyway, I know wherever he is, he's watching and I know,

152. I know it would mean a lot to him.

153. But, look, if appearing in Playboy makes you uncomfortable,

154. I'm sure Pop would understand.

155. Would you at least...

156. please, would you think about it, okay?

157. Artie, how can I help you?

158. Sit down.

159. Yes, sir.

160. Before he left, Hef told me about

161. this little idea of yours and all I can say is be careful.

162. Artie, Artie, it will be very tasteful.

163. No bush.

164. Listen to me, Hank.

165. I want you to keep this very low profile.

166. Larry Sanders is a star here, goddammit.

167. All right, all right, Artie, I hear you.

168. Low profile.

169. I don't know why you can't be in the picture.

170. It's one little picture.

171. It's the little insert that they put up in the corner.

172. It's tiny, it's smaller than an wallet-size photo.

173. I'm not gonna be in the picture!

174. I don't— I don't live here.

175. I'm not your wife. This isn't my house.

176. I'm not gonna do it. Okay, all right.

177. I don't see why... You're right.

178. Okay. But, you know,

179. the magazine doesn't come out for another two months,

180. may be things will be different by then.

181. Well, are you asking me to move in with you?

182. Yes, in my own,

183. "I can't believe I did it that way myself way,"

184. yes, I am, I guess.

185. Well, uh, I, um...

186. I, I, I—

187. I'm not gonna be in the picture.

188. Well fine, but let's talk about the moving in part.

189. I don't want anyone to think

190. I had anything to do with decorating this house.

191. What, what is that supposed to mean?

192. I don't know. Well, wait a minute.

193. Are you saying you don't think this house is in good taste?

194. Right, that's what I'm saying.

195. I don't think this house is in good taste,

196. that's what I'm getting at. Well, why?

197. Well, I'm just, look around. I mean, all right, look,

198. what, what, what is this.

199. That is a head carved out of rock.

200. This place looks like the junior suite

201. in the Four Seasons, I don't want—

202. Jeannie and I met at the Four Seasons—

203. and gladiolas will liven things up.

204. Oh gosh. Ah, you're all set, kiddo.

205. Artie, she doesn't want to be in the picture.

206. Ah? Oh, a scenario I will not get involved in.

207. Bye, Larry, I'll see you later. Bye, Artie.

208. Bye.

209. Now if you'll excuse me,

210. I know a lovely place for this African violet.

211. Where are you gonna put it? In the crapper.

212. Will you not talk that way

213. when the Architectural Digest people are here?

214. Did you do the test photos?

215. Yeah, it really wasn't that bad.

216. There was no one there but me and the photographer.

217. Some slimebag, right?

218. No, she seemed nice.

219. She? What did they make you wear?

220. Oh, come on, you're not actually gonna do this, are you?

221. Look, Hank really wants me to do this.

222. I owe him a lot.

223. Oh, so you're doing this for Hank.

224. If it wasn't for Hank,

225. I would still be being sawed in half by The Amazing Clifford

226. for two shows a night.

227. You know what, Darlene, the more I hear about this,

228. it sounds to me like there's very little

229. difference between Hank and The Amazing Clifford.

230. Clifford probably dresses better.

231. Come on, you guys. You come on.

232. You know, you're being exploited and used

233. and you don't even know it.

234. Here are those... Playboy After Dark tapes you wanted.

235. Oh, great. Right, right.

236. Now you want to pay attention to Mort Sahl

237. because you could learn something, ha!

238. What was that?

239. What?

240. No, you're hiding something from me.

241. No, we're not. Yes, you are.

242. We're working on the monologue. No, you're not.

243. Look, if we were hiding something from you,

244. you would not know it.

245. Should we show him?

246. Yeah, show me.

247. We have Darlene's test photos.

248. How did you get those?

249. They were right on our desk.

250. They were sitting there in a big envelope

251. with a Playboy bunny on it.

252. We just thought it was a new issue.

253. How are they?

254. Good.

255. No, no, this is not good, this is not right,

256. this is not our, our, our property.

257. Oh, my god.

258. Hank, your agent's on the phone.

259. Where did you get those?

260. Hank?

261. On the desk.

262. And you thought you could just take them

263. and show them around?

264. Well, I— oh, no, Darlene!

265. That's rough.

266. Oh wait, let me see it.

267. I'm not gonna be exploited and used!

268. Oh, come on, Darlene, this is Playboy we're talking about.

269. We're not talking about Hustler or Penthouse

270. or, or Swank or Jugs or Screw.

271. Shh, hey! Didn't you promise me

272. that you would keep this very low profile?

273. I am. Oh, bullshit.

274. Shouting out the names of some of this country's

275. finest men's publications outside the ladies crapper is not low profile.

276. Listen, Ms. Bernadette Peters

277. just happens to be down that hallway in her dressing room.

278. You know, I— I wasn't shouting.

279. Maybe it was that weird intern carrying on like that again.

280. That's why they call him the weird intern, you know.

281. Hank! Yeah?

282. If you think it's so great,

283. why don't you show everyone your tits.

284. Lower profile out there, you two!

285. You gotta be in the picture.

286. Oh, don't make me sit in the living room all alone.

287. I'll look like Harvey Korman.

288. Oh, so the only reason you want me in the picture is because

289. you're worried about how you're gonna come off, so it's for you.

290. No, well look, okay, so I'm worried about how I'll come off

291. but you're worried about how you'll come off,

292. so really, we want the same thing.

293. I don't want to be in this picture as an appendage.

294. Okay fine, then you move in. Then you're not an appendage.

295. Then you're there as a person who's moved in.

296. Oh, no one's ever asked me to move in before.

297. Wait a minute, how did you end up living with what's-his-name then?

298. Well, you know, you're just— you're dating and

299. then you're together and then you're just—

300. you're just kind of living together.

301. Well, all right, that's a good way.

302. but you can't count on that way.

303. This way you take the picture, then you move in.

304. Oh no, you don't know how much I hate having my picture taken.

305. You still think that it takes a little of your soul.

306. Artie, come here, come here, come here, Artie.

307. Artie, please talk to her about the picture please, please.

308. No, no, no, I—

309. I cannot get involved in this area.

310. You gotta talk to her about this.

311. Artie, why don't you be in the picture?

312. Just Larry and me in a decorating magazine? No, no, no.

313. No, people might get the wrong idea.

314. I would. Yeah.

315. Wouldn't a picture of me and her look really nice?

316. Yes, with your arm around your lady

317. with a big bouquet of Baby's Breath behind you,

318. whoa, I say whoa!

319. You got me sucked in for a second.

320. Artie, Artie, Artie, wait, wait, come back.

321. Um, Brad Pitt's in the green room.

322. I'm gonna see if he's as cute as everybody says he is.

323. You're gonna be disappointed, you'll see.

324. Is she moving in?

325. I don't know. Come here a minute.

326. Do you, do you think my house is too feminine?

327. You want me to send over a couple of my trophy heads?

328. No, but, you know,

329. don't you have that chair with the teeth or something?

330. Antlers and bones actually, might look good on the sun deck.

331. Yeah, bring that. Yeah, sure.

332. I don't know. It's a hard decision, Darlene.

333. I don't know what to do. I don't want to look stupid.

334. Believe me you won't. Standing next to Hank

335. you'll come off looking like Carl Sagan.

336. Are you sure? Positively.

337. You know, I've never told many people about this

338. but I knew Marilyn Monroe.

339. We were friends.

340. Really?

341. Yeah, a lovely, bright, sensitive woman.

342. She was very self-conscious

343. till she learned how to use her beauty as an asset.

344. I'm no Marilyn Monroe.

345. Well you're mighty nifty, sweetie.

346. What I'm trying to say is,

347. you gotta use what you're born with.

348. Don't look at me. I've got a face that would crack a mirror.

349. That's why I'm a producer.

350. Marilyn did Playboy, didn't she?

351. If you're going to do this, you've got to do it for yourself

352. and for no one else, especially not for fucking Hank.

353. Then I can do it? That's up to you.

354. For myself! Thanks, I can't wait to tell Hank.

355. Thanks, Artie.

356. Oh, hello, Miss Exploited and Used.

357. Hank, I came to talk to you about the Playboy piece.

358. Well you're gonna be very happy.

359. They killed it. What?

360. Oh, Hef bounced the idea off some editor and he nixed it.

361. What didn't they like?

362. I tell you, I, I, I, I tell you this.

363. That magazine was built on ideas like the sidekick's sidekick

364. and it is not a circa 1975 idea.

365. It is money in the bank, Frank.

366. They hated my test shots, didn't they?

367. Oh, those fuckers, those fuckers!

368. Bunch of sleaze bags, every one of them.

369. Oh god, it just would have been so great.

370. What did they say about me?

371. About you? Oh, they loved you.

372. They wanted to know

373. if you were interested in doing a pictorial alone.

374. I am interested, Hank. What?

375. I want to do it for me, not for you, but for me.

376. I want to do it.

377. What are you doing, Hank?

378. Um, okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do.

379. Uh, you're going to call them

380. and you're going to say to them,

381. "Now, now look, uh,

382. "I am not gonna do a pictorial unless

383. Hank Kingsley is part of it."

384. Hank, c'mon, I'm sorry. I did the best I could.

385. Who'd you talk to?

386. I talked to the editor himself.

387. Well, what did he say?

388. Hank, I m sorry, I know this was

389. a dream of yours and your pop's.

390. No, it's not just my pop,

391. it's not just my pop, don't they understand,

392. I have a restaurant opening in less than two months.

393. I put everything into it, just everything.

394. If I don't get some publicity,

395. you know who's gonna be at the gala opening?

396. You, me, the creditors and that's it.

397. Hank, maybe I can wear one of those

398. Hank Lookaround Café t-shirts in one of the shots,

399. that could be— Yeah, you see, you see,

400. it's very hard to pose nude and wear a t-shirt at the same time.

401. In fact, it's downright impossible.

402. Oh great, I've become pissy.

403. You know what— Well, if it isn't

404. my two favorite Playboy models, especially you, my dear.

405. Thank you, excuse me.

406. So, hey, Hank, you've been keeping it low profile?

407. Artie, they cut me out, those cock suckers.

408. Oh, I'm sorry, Hank.

409. It's America's loss.

410. Do you wanna get a drink?

411. Oh, I'd love to, sweetheart,

412. but I've got to get over to Larry's house.

413. Larry's?

414. What's up?

415. Oh, come on, it's just one little picture.

416. What difference does it make, come on!

417. Oh, I don't want to waste any more time arguing about this.

418. Where do you want me? Oh, well,

419. if you really don't want to do this,

420. you really don't have to. No, no, let's just

421. get this over with, sit down.

422. Over here, you want me over here? All right.

423. This is perfect.

424. Are you gonna wear this?

425. I'll get that.

426. Uh, Max? With the lighting in here,

427. I'd use an F8 stop. Thanks, Artie.

428. Hey.

429. Oh Hank, we're a little busy here tonight.

430. Oh, oh gosh.

431. You are busy. I'm sorry, I had no idea.

432. It's Hank Kingsley! Might be fun

433. if we got some shots of you and Hank on the couch.

434. When are you moving in? Oh, come on over and sit down, Hank.

435. I don't want him in the picture.

436. Oh, come on, Larry, the more the merrier.

437. I don't want to. Sit down, Hank. This will be great.

438. You drive a hard bargain, madam.

439. I don't want Hank in the picture.

440. It's just a little— just— Okay, everybody, say "hey now."

441. Tighten up.

442. Love, Darlene, here you go!

443. Architectural Digest is great!

444. Yeah, right.

445. It's just fucking bad timing that Darlene's

446. article had to come out the same day as yours.

447. Otherwise everyone would be bent over your desk

448. instead of over Darlene's. Have you seen it?

449. Yes, it's right here. It's nothing special.

450. You've seen one, you've seen them all.

451. But how many houses do you see like this?

452. Jesus.

453. These lilies on the coffee table, that's a sexy touch.

454. Has Francine seen this?

455. I don't know. Has she moved in yet?

456. I don t know! She, she, she's there every night.

457. I don't know if she's moved in, Artie.

458. Have to talked to Hank? No.

459. Does he know that it's not my fault

460. that he was cropped out of that? He'll be fine.

461. Didn't even know she owned a motorcycle.

462. I already signed yours.

463. Hank, have you seen my Playboy pictorial yet?

464. Very nice, congratulations.

465. Hank, I wore the Hank's Lookaround Café t-shirt in the main shot.

466. It's a little ripped but you can still read it.

467. Very nice. I thought you would like it.

468. I, I guess you didn't hear

469. there was a small grease fire at the site last night.

470. Oh, my god. No, no, no, no.

471. It's only gonna push us back about, oh, ten months.

472. Hey, hey, hey!

473. It's the new Architectural Digest.

474. Those fuckers, fuckers!

475. Low profile, Hank!

476. Bunch of fuckers!