The Larry Sanders Show 2x10

1. All right, here we go.

2. This is exciting, isn't it?

3. In five, four, three, two...

4. Live, on tape from Hollywood.

5. "The Larry Sanders Show."

6. Tonight, join Larry and his guests, Marisa Tomei,

7. baseball great Pete Rose, author Anne Rice,

8. and me, hey now, Hank Kingsley.

9. And now, because only he contains a touch

10. of pure creamery butter,

11. Larry Sanders!

12. Thank you, thank you.

13. Thank you.

14. Thank you.

15. Thank you.

16. You are so much better than last night's crowd.

17. I want to get right to the jokes.

18. Air Force Major General Harold Campbell

19. described President Clinton

20. as gay-loving, pot-smoking and womanizing.

21. Clinton retaliated by saying,

22. "Well, at least I'm fun to be with."

23. Pepsi is attempting to control the damage

24. caused by recent tampering

25. by switching to a brand-new slogan,

26. which is "Diet Pepsi,

27. even with the syringe, it's just one calorie."

28. We have a wonderful show.

29. My guests tonight are Marisa Tomei,

30. Pete Rose and Anne Rice.

31. Stay tuned, we'll be right back.

32. What a delight, that Marisa.

33. You were great with Marisa Tomei.

34. Oh, come on.

35. She wasn't wearing underwear, was she?

36. Oh, that—

37. That shook you up, didn't it?

38. You were very funny.

39. Damn right, shook me up, I stunk the rest of the show.

40. Oh, bullshit. Good show.

41. You see? Yes.

42. Do you think it was a good show? Yes.

43. Did you see the monologue?

44. Uh, yeah, I did, and I laughed out loud three times.

45. I did 12 jokes.

46. I laughed at all 12 of them.

47. Well, that means she didn't laugh nine times.

48. You got some messages here for Larry? Uh, yes, I do.

49. Larry, Francine called and she's at your house.

50. Oh, you gave her a key, did you?

51. Would you please, later?

52. Okay, your agent called.

53. He always calls when I'm on the air.

54. He'll call you back.

55. Yeah, he'll call me tomorrow night when I'm on the air.

56. Trick him, put him through tomorrow night, you know that?

57. Do it. Okay.

58. Oh, and there's a guy here to see you named Stan Paxton?

59. I didn't know who he was,

60. so I told them to have him wait downstairs.

61. Your Stan Paxton? Is it my Stan Paxton?

62. Who's your Stan Paxton?

63. My ex standup partner.

64. A once-talented nobody

65. who obviously wants something from someone.

66. I haven't seen Stan in 15 years.

67. You want me to kick his parasitic ass into the street?

68. What is your problem?

69. Sorry. That's right.

70. That's right, I forgot, you used to be a bouncer.

71. That's the way I started in show biz.

72. Sometimes I revert, okay?

73. Could we try not to be so cynical, please?

74. I am not cynical. Just—

75. Just once, just today.

76. All right. Thank you.

77. Hey, Sanders, you asshole.

78. How they hanging, man?

79. Stan. Hey, Larry.

80. Man, how you doing?

81. Stan, hi.

82. It's great to see you.

83. It is great to see you, Stan.

84. Jeez, not a day goes by we don't think, hey, where's Stan Paxton?

85. Hey, I don't have to wonder what you're doing, man.

86. I see you on TV every night.

87. Yeah, I'm doin' all right.

88. Yeah? You look great.

89. So do you.

90. A little older, maybe.

91. Turn around, let me see the ass.

92. No, no, really? Let me see the—

93. Come on, let me see the ass.

94. Well, these are baggy pants. Let me see the ass!

95. It's still killer, though.

96. You wear it a little lower these days.

97. Well, I wear it lower, so then, you know,

98. 'cause that's where my belt is.

99. We're all getting older, you know,

100. I was jerking off the other day.

101. Steam came out!

102. I've had that happen, too.

103. Artie, this is Stan. Stan, Artie.

104. Oh, yeah.

105. Hey, I'm a big admirer of yours, man.

106. Same here.

107. Pleasure meeting you, Stan.

108. I'm sorry we don't have more time.

109. But we've got a very busy schedule here.

110. These are your offices!

111. These are your offices in here? Yeah...

112. I never even met him, but he hasn't changed, has he?

113. I wish you could see your eyebrows.

114. Really, they're...

115. I mean, I can't pick up a magazine

116. without reading your name these days.

117. I was just reading about you in the "Star"--

118. You drink cranberry juice, I've been reading that.

119. I know you drink cranberry juice—

120. Well, Stan, I wish we had more time, but—

121. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

122. we do have a busy schedule here today.

123. Sure, no, I understand. I just—

124. I just came by because I wanted to give you this, Larry.

125. It's a check for $127 that I owe you.

126. For what?

127. 1978, Baltimore Holiday Inn, you were sleeping,

128. I took $127 out of your pocket.

129. That was you?

130. What did you do— What— What did you need the money for?

131. I don't know, coke, hookers, something.

132. At least it didn't go to waste.

133. I'm sorry, man, I mean it, I really, I am sorry.

134. Hey, listen, I just feel bad for that maid I had fired.

135. That's right, it was coke.

136. I was banging that maid—

137. Don't worry about her, man, she had the time of her life.

138. No wonder our room was never cleaned on time.

139. Larry, we really have to keep moving along here.

140. We don't want to keep the Chrysler people waiting.

141. Yeah, right, sure.

142. Hey, listen, Stan, I can't take this.

143. I'm making money, I'm doing pretty good.

144. I mean, I don't make Letterman money,

145. but you know, you can keep that.

146. No... no!

147. Hey, now! Well, now—

148. that one sounded like you had Tourette's Syndrome there.

149. You're right, it was a little too forced, huh?

150. Hank, this is Stan. Stan, Hank.

151. Yeah. Oh, Stan, Stan Paxton!

152. It's an honor to meet you, I love your work, man.

153. What are you talking— It's an honor to meet you!

154. I gotta tell you, I'm a big, big fan of your—

155. You guys. Oh, yeah! No.

156. I still listen to the "I'm Larry, He's Stan" album

157. every couple of months. Really?

158. Well, no, actually, I lied.

159. My record player broke during the riots,

160. but is "I'm Larry, He's Stan,"

161. is that out on CD, by any chance?

162. Actually, uh...

163. Hank, do you have some parting words you'd like to say to Stan?

164. Hey, the old partner meets the new partner, jeez.

165. The ex partner. Nah!

166. Hank, Stan, I've been trying to get Larry

167. to this meeting with the Chrysler people.

168. Sure. Oh, right, right.

169. Hey, who are we trying to avoid?

170. Hey, uh...

171. We got a lot to talk about. Yeah.

172. Come over for dinner. Dinner?

173. Ahem.

174. So what have you been doing

175. since you— you quit doing standup?

176. Oh, I've been working.

177. As a temp.

178. Oh, well, that's— that's great.

179. Isn't it, Larry? Great.

180. That is great. Yeah.

181. You're lucky you're not in show business. Oh, God.

182. Oh, man. Yeah.

183. Well, I'll—

184. I'll fax things in every now and then, you know,

185. to Dangerfield or Joan Rivers,

186. just to keep my finger in the pie.

187. Oh, now, that is great, because— because then

188. you have an outlet for the creative,

189. you know, the humor.

190. I don't know what Larry would do without that kind of an outlet.

191. I'd probably temp.

192. So Stan, you seem happy.

193. No, I mean, you know, after...

194. Larry left, I—

195. My life changed a lot.

196. Oh, well, I think change can be a very good thing sometimes.

197. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

198. Where— Where's your bathroom?

199. It's through the kitchen.

200. It's kind of weird, you have to, you know...

201. All the way through the kitchen, Stan.

202. Hey, that was that one New Year's Eve, man.

203. Never let me forget!

204. I am tired of holding this whole conversation.

205. Would you please say something?

206. God, what do you want me to say to a guy

207. who just said I ruined his life. That's what he just said.

208. Why did you invite him here to dinner?

209. Because I ruined his life, so I figured, well, I better—

210. Well, don't feel guilty, he's not your responsibility.

211. I don't feel guilty. Well, good, you shouldn't.

212. I just feel so fucking guilty.

213. I mean, I wish there was something I could do for him,

214. but I don't know what.

215. Hey, did you find the bathroom okay?

216. Yeah, big house.

217. Yeah. Big house.

218. We only use two rooms.

219. They're not all ours. I noticed.

220. It's kind of like "The Shining" around this place.

221. I think I saw Scatman Crothers in your kitchen burning toast.

222. Hey, uh, Stan?

223. What would you, um...

224. think about, maybe, writing on my show?

225. You mean fax it in?

226. No, I mean...

227. you know, come down full time.

228. Something to think about.

229. Wow, that would be incredible, man.

230. Great.

231. Um...

232. What would it pay?

233. I should have been at that dinner.

234. Well, listen, who knew he'd say yes, Artie?

235. Of course he'd say yes!

236. This show is the hottest showcase for comedic talent

237. in the universe!

238. Temp worker my ass.

239. He's a stone hustler!

240. Could we try not to be so cynical?

241. Didn't I ask you yesterday?

242. I'm being realistic, buddy.

243. You have just stepped in a huge pile of shit named Stan Paxton

244. and you're tracking it all over my office.

245. Maybe he'll do a great job and he'll help out around the show.

246. If he's so goddamned great, why did you two break up?

247. Because. Because?

248. Just because. Oh, I see.

249. Creative differences.

250. Yeah, there were some creative differences, that's all.

251. Well, I don't need any fucking creative differences

252. in my office!

253. It happens to be our office, Artie.

254. No, it's your show, it's my office!

255. What are you so upset about?

256. You wanna know why? Huh?

257. Yeah.

258. Because! Open or closed?

259. Open.

260. So if you don't mind me asking, why'd you and Larry split up?

261. Nuh-uh, no,

262. way over the line there, Jerry.

263. No, no, no— I mean, you know Larry.

264. He's very driven, ambitious, very driven kinda...

265. Yeah, you gotta be, you know, in this business.

266. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I got into the business mainly to get laid.

267. I think that's what basically bothered Larry,

268. is that I was getting laid all the time.

269. Yeah, I know about that one, ooh.

270. Hey, oh, great, hey, five copies.

271. Thanks, Mark. Yo, yo, chief, chief.

272. What happened to the newspapers and magazines you're supposed to get me?

273. I'll have them for you in a half hour.

274. I just gotta get these tapes— I don't want explanations, man.

275. Just get me the newspapers, okay?

276. I need 'em to write my jokes.

277. I'll see if Eddie can get it, that's—

278. Put it in your diary, man.

279. Just get me the newspapers, capisce?

280. Thanks, chief!

281. Stan, come on, he's a good kid.

282. Come on. He knows I'm just joking.

283. Anyway, I was balling the chicks everywhere we went.

284. Larry basically would fall in love every town we got to.

285. I think that's how he met Francine, actually.

286. Ugh, it's like a fairy tale.

287. Yeah, the one about the comic who comes to town,

288. fucks the princess?

289. Well, the water here in Los Angeles is so bad,

290. the lead content is so high,

291. that it was announced today

292. a baby was born in Los Angeles Hospital

293. who weighed 7,000 pounds.

294. Yeah. He sold it.

295. He sold it so well,

296. should give the crowd a fucking receipt.

297. Fuck me. You called?

298. He tells one lousy joke of mine,

299. and he stumbles on Lech Walesa's name.

300. It's a hard name to pronounce.

301. Yeah, right, Jesus.

302. Look at that.

303. He just skipped another one of my jokes.

304. What are you saving it for, Larry?

305. The Tonys?

306. Look at that, look at that.

307. He just shook off the cue card guy.

308. Don't touch the monitor, sir.

309. I mean, who do I have to blow around here to get my jokes on?

310. Me.

311. Stan, you do me a favor?

312. Shut the fuck up!

313. Thank you. A new study shows

314. that Americans eat 20 pounds of candy per year.

315. Does that sound right to you, Hank?

316. Drinking during the monologue in my fucking monitor!

317. You're kidding. Are you positive?

318. I could smell it in his coffee.

319. Some kind of cheap domestic plain-wrapped vodka.

320. Maybe that smell was that boom operator.

321. Oh, hell, I fired his sorry ass months ago.

322. I won't tolerate alcohol in my office.

323. Yeah, but you have alcohol in your office.

324. That's for weekends.

325. Well, I'll talk to Stan. I gotta take a piss.

326. I gotta go alone, I gotta clear my head, all right?

327. Oh, I'll just hang here by the door,

328. like some crapper gargoyle.

329. Hey, we were just talking about you out there.

330. Yeah? Yeah.

331. Hey, can I talk to you a second?

332. Yeah, I actually want to talk to you, man.

333. Why aren't you doing my stuff?

334. What, are you joking?

335. I just— I did the—

336. I did the Lech Walesa joke out there.

337. Oh, now you can say his name.

338. Oh, Jesus, Stan, you haven't changed at all, you know that?

339. Well, I just think, if this is one of these things

340. where you hired me because you feel sorry for me—

341. I did not hire you because I feel sorry for you.

342. I hired you because you happen to be a very good writer

343. and this is a professional situation.

344. Yeah? Are you drinking?

345. 'Cause I smell alcohol in here and it just smells like...

346. You're in a bathroom.

347. You smell disinfectant and urine, man.

348. Well, how come I smell it on your breath?

349. Come on, Larry, let's not start this stuff now, please.

350. I have my own problems.

351. Those guys are burying my jokes, man.

352. What guys are burying your jokes?

353. Frick and Frack out there.

354. I mean, it'd just be a lot nicer

355. if I could bring the stuff directly to you.

356. You know the difference

357. between the good stuff and the bad stuff, man.

358. You wanna bring the stuff to me?

359. Yes.

360. Look, Stan?

361. You wanna bring the stuff directly to me,

362. bring it directly to me, okay?

363. I'll take a look at it in my office.

364. You don't have to go through the other guys, all right?

365. Thanks, man. Good, sure.

366. Thank you.

367. Anything else?

368. What is this, your office, Fonzie?

369. Fuck me, someone just fuck me, right—

370. So, while you're eating,

371. you and your food are going on an adventure.

372. That's great, Hank.

373. 'Cause you know, there's nothing I like better after a big meal

374. than spinning around till I puke.

375. You stop.

376. Larry investing in this?

377. Larry, Larry is going to be an honorary silent partner.

378. Think he can handle it?

379. You know, Stan.

380. I know you don't have much discretionary income,

381. but I just want you to know,

382. that you're always gonna have a table waiting for you

383. at Hank's Lookaround Café.

384. So you— Go ahead, you can just—

385. You know, which one do you want?

386. Just...

387. One what?

388. Uh, a table.

389. Okay, I'll—

390. I'll take this one.

391. Okay.

392. You still got it, Stan Paxton!

393. Hey, do you know, my favorite bit

394. that you and Larry used to do?

395. The man on the street versus—

396. No, not versus.

397. The man on the street meets—

398. Meets the man on the moon. The man on the moon.

399. Uh, listen, uh, I hate to ask you,

400. could you do a little of that for me now?

401. Can you?

402. Hank, that'd be like me asking you to say "Hey now."

403. Okay, "Hey now."

404. Please?

405. Please, come on, come on, it'll really make my day,

406. and go ahead, I'll do it with you,

407. 'cause I know it word for word.

408. Yeah? Yeah.

409. Nah.

410. I re—

411. I really like you, Stan Paxton.

412. Thanks, Hank.

413. You don't help alcoholics

414. by giving them everything they want.

415. I don't give him everything he wants.

416. Why do you have such a problem confronting people?

417. I don't want to discuss that now.

418. What did you say to Stan

419. when you broke up the act 15 years ago?

420. I said, "Uh, Stan,"-- It was 15 years ago.

421. Did you tell him the problem was the drinking?

422. Did you?

423. No, I don't recall.

424. Larry, maybe if you'd told him that back then,

425. then maybe today, Stan would be...

426. Hank or— That's a horrible thing to say.

427. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

428. All right, look, just don't fire him

429. and make up some bullshit excuse.

430. You owe it to him to be honest.

431. You're right, you're right.

432. Okay? Oh, these beauties are perfectly medium rare,

433. except for yours, Lar, which is burnt, well done.

434. Fucking crime to...

435. You don't ruin a beautiful piece of meat like that!

436. That's the way— Artie, I am firing Stan tomorrow.

437. I've made up my mind. Good.

438. 'Cause giving a guy like that everything he wants,

439. it's not helping him.

440. I don't give him everything he wants, Artie.

441. Where is the beer?

442. There's some in the kitchen.

443. Sid, you gotta change "hose" to "house."

444. That's the Clinton White House.

445. If it's white hose, it sounds like, you know,

446. stockings that Hillary wears or something like that.

447. What— Anybody can make a mistake.

448. Just change it back, all right?

449. Why— Why haven't I seen half of these jokes?

450. These are Stan's.

451. What are you— Stan submit—

452. Do you want me to tell you?

453. Stan submitted some directly to my office, okay?

454. Has there, has there been a change in procedure?

455. There's no change in procedure.

456. Well, what do you— Could I—

457. Could I get a moment later to talk to you about him?

458. Yeah, you can talk to me later about it.

459. This should be "house."

460. Do you read these things before you copy them or what?

461. Can we have this ready by the time the show goes on?

462. Stan, I talked to him about the jokes.

463. It's all taken care of.

464. Phil, I will talk to you about this later.

465. Can I talk to you for a second?

466. Sure, Larry. Okay, great.

467. Uh, let's— let's go over here.

468. Listen.

469. Can you guys give us some space here?

470. I, uh...

471. I want to tell you something.

472. Can I say something?

473. Thank you for having me do this job.

474. It means a lot to me.

475. You don't know how great it is

476. to just be writing jokes for real people

477. instead of telling them to a waitress someplace.

478. Thank you, Larry.

479. Well, listen, your jokes have been just hilarious,

480. really, just hilarious.

481. Thanks.

482. There are a couple other things, though,

483. that I think are getting in the way of, you know,

484. your job here.

485. Oh, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

486. Oh, this is the kiss-off! Oh, I get it!

487. Your jokes are hilarious, but you're fired.

488. I'm disappointed, Larry, I expected more from you.

489. Not a kiss-off.

490. Your jokes are great, okay?

491. They're just not— They're not all in my voice.

492. They're more of your point of view.

493. They'd be hilarious if you said 'em.

494. But, you know, there's a bigger issue.

495. Well, then... The big issue—

496. Let me do them on the show.

497. Let me go on the show and do them.

498. What are you talking about? You know I'd be great.

499. Put me on the show, man! Come on!

500. You haven't been on stage in what, 15 fucking years?

501. You owe me this one, Larry, come on.

502. You know that, you owe me this one.

503. Stan, there's a whole procedure with tapes.

504. The talent coordinators have to see the tapes.

505. I got tapes, I got tapes.

506. I got tapes coming out of my asshole!

507. You want a tape? I got a tape.

508. I'll go get you a tape.

509. I got a tape, I got tapes, I'll get a tape.

510. Speaking of rehab, I was down in Bakersfield.

511. Is that like, strange, or— or what?

512. I mean, it's like, it's such a boring, boring place.

513. I mean, once you've masturbated,

514. you've pretty much shot the day.

515. That's— that's about it.

516. David Koresh, you know, the guy that was down in Waco, Texas?

517. He— Turns out, he was obsessed with Madonna.

518. Now, man,

519. I guess that guy pretty much off his rocker after all, hmm?

520. Madonna.

521. Remember Madonna?

522. All right, an honest assessment?

523. Well, my guess is that tape did come out of his ass.

524. Phil?

525. He's your friend.

526. Come on.

527. He blows.

528. I mean, but...

529. he almost made abortion funny.

530. Jerry?

531. Jerry?

532. He looked good.

533. What about the act?

534. It was about five minutes too long.

535. That's all he did was five minutes.

536. I should have fired him.

537. At least when I fire somebody,

538. they don't end up on the show the next night.

539. Look, is he really that bad?

540. Larry?

541. You wanna put him on?

542. We'll put him on at 12:25.

543. Who the fuck is watching then, anyway?

544. That's true.

545. And you know, we've had worse comics than this on, by the way.

546. Like who? Gallagher.

547. We haven't had Gallagher on, but there's a perfect example.

548. Well, fuck it, let's put him on.

549. Come on. Good.

550. Good.

551. All right...

552. We can't put him on.

553. Damn right, we can't.

554. Stan?

555. Stan?

556. Hey, Larry.

557. What the fuck are you doing, man?

558. I guess I'm a little nervous about being on the show.

559. Well, you know what?

560. We're all a little nervous about you being on the show.

561. Hey, I saw the tape.

562. And you got nothing to be nervous about.

563. It's very, very funny stuff.

564. Thanks, Hank.

565. He's great, Hank.

566. Hey, you know, I've gone on stage like this 100 times.

567. You remember. Yeah, I remember.

568. I remember you tripping over the mic stand

569. and I remember you insulting people in the audience

570. and I remember you just generally sucking.

571. We can go back and forth on this all night long,

572. I have a show to do right now.

573. No, you don't.

574. Oh, wonderful.

575. We're gonna start this now?

576. Stan, you're not going on in this condition.

577. Give me one good reason why I can't go on tonight.

578. You want a good reason? You want one good reason?

579. 'Cause you're fucking drunk, Stan!

580. The same way you were 15 years ago.

581. That's why I left.

582. Okay?

583. Let's talk about this later, all right?

584. I have a show to do.

585. No, you don't.

586. You're not going on like this, Stan.

587. You need help.

588. You get some help, then you come back

589. and you can do the show, all right?

590. Fuck you!

591. Fuck you, Stan.

592. Morning, Larry. Morning.

593. Beverly?

594. Did we get clearance on the Schwarzenegger footage?

595. Oh, I don't know, I'll check.

596. Good, good. I feel great today, I gotta tell you.

597. I feel like a whole weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

598. Great. Yeah.

599. Um, have you spoken to Arthur yet today?

600. No, huh-uh. About the...?

601. Let me, uh, get Arthur. Okay.

602. Hey.

603. Good, you're sitting down.

604. What, no on the Schwarzenegger footage?

605. Ah, fuck it, we'll use something else.

606. Got some bad news about Stan.

607. What, he's on "Arsenio" this week?

608. They found him in his car.

609. What do you mean they found him in his car?

610. He was shot.

611. What, a carjacking?

612. No, Larry, he shot himself.

613. They found a gun in his hand.

614. Is he, uh...

615. No, he even bungled that.

616. He missed.

617. He shot off the top of his left ear.

618. Oh, oh, my God.

619. Stan killed himself.

620. He didn't kill himself, he just fucked up his left ear.

621. No, no, no, I have friends at Memorial Hospital,

622. and he had a shotgun,

623. he put a shotgun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger.

624. Why—

625. Why would anybody do anything like that?

626. Bullshit, it was his ear!

627. No, I have— I have friends— Oh, what friends?

628. Excuse me, I'm sorry.

629. Larry, Stan's on the phone.

630. Uh, I don't think so.

631. Uh, how is he?

632. He's calling from the hospital.

633. This is a horrible trick.

634. What line? Two.

635. Hello? Stan?

636. I don't think so.

637. He's talking to him, Hank!

638. Maybe yes, maybe no.

639. Would you keep it down, please?

640. Stan, how are you?

641. Yeah.

642. Hey.

643. Hey, listen, I—

644. I'm glad we had that talk, too.

645. Yeah.

646. Good.

647. Well, that's— that's great.

648. Good.

649. Well, yeah, I guess you could fax 'em right here, sure.

650. Great. Hey, I'm gonna come down and see you tom—

651. What? Health plan?

652. I don't— I don't know. Hold on.

653. Don't you have to be working longer than three days

654. to qualify for the health plan?

655. I don't know.

656. Artie?

657. No health plan!

658. Uh, Stan, I guess there's some procedure.