The Larry Sanders Show 2x1

1. Now, that sign says, "Applesauce."

2. No, no, no. I'm kidding. (laughter)

3. It says "applause."

4. Ray? Do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

5. (applause) All right.

6. Now, remember, you're all—

7. you're all a big part of the show,

8. so the better you are, the better Larry is.

9. Okay, now, you see this gentleman, yeah,

10. he's giving me this— this sign,

11. and it says, "We're on in 10 seconds,

12. so get ready to have a good time."

13. All right, here we go.

14. This is exciting, isn't it?

15. In five, four, three, two...

16. Live on tape from Hollywood,

17. "The Larry Sanders Show."

18. Tonight, join Larry and his guests,

19. Michael Jeter, Sandra Bernhard,

20. Marky Mark, and me—

21. "Hey, now!" Hank Kingsley.

22. And now, because it's a condition of his probation,

23. Larry Sanders!

24. Good crowd.

25. Thank you, Hank.

26. Welcome.

27. Today President Clinton announced another new plan

28. to put an end to the deficit.

29. He said, for a million dollars,

30. he'd let Robert Redford sleep with Hillary.

31. Now, if Robert Redford has to pay

32. a million dollars to get laid...

33. do I need to finish this thought?

34. Imagine what Hank must have to pay.

35. Jeannie, what makes you think we can't work it out?

36. Why don't you come back from Chicago, and we'll talk—

37. Self-involved?

38. No, I am not watching my show right now.

39. I'm watching "Bonanza."

40. That is not Hank. That is Hoss.

41. You know what? We both fucked up, okay?

42. Wha— I am not going to tell you the ways I think I fucked up.

43. I might go into some areas you never considered.

44. Okay, go ahead. You tell me. Go ahead.

45. Uh-huh... right.

46. Don't click around, we'll be right back!

47. Uh-huh. We'll be right back.

48. Don't click around. Uh-huh.

49. Yeah. Uh-huh.

50. Look, hey, that— that— that is more of a quirk, don't you think?

51. Uh-huh.

52. Uh-huh.

53. Uh-huh.

54. Yeah, uh-huh.

55. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

56. Well, that, again, is a quirk, don't you think?

57. Hey, where's Artie? He's coming.

58. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

59. Well, you mentioned that one last night.

60. All right, okay.

61. Yeah, uh-huh.

62. Uh... bye.

63. All this woman does is berate me, I swear to God.

64. Why do you put her through?

65. Larry, you called her.

66. Oh, that's right.

67. Do you think I have trouble prioritizing

68. my emotional commitments?

69. Gosh, please, don't ask me.

70. I haven't had a healthy relationship

71. since junior high.

72. Oh. Wow.

73. Well, let's stick to me today.

74. Did you see this article about Letterman in the paper?

75. Listen to this, I want to read you

76. a little something.

77. Beverly, listen to this.

78. Listen— "Letterman's new time slot,"

79. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

80. "Domino effect in late—" Ah, here it is.

81. "Analysts say," and I quote,

82. "on a household basis, Leno will be ahead,

83. but Letterman will pull in a younger audience."

84. A younger audience.

85. Just what I need—

86. somebody taking more of the younger audience.

87. Oh, Jesus! You're not laying in your own puke, are you?

88. Do you have the trades? What?

89. "The Reporter"? "Variety"?

90. Oh, I don't know.

91. You need a hot towel? I don't need a hot towel.

92. I really— I just really want to see the trades.

93. We have an excellent show tonight—

94. Supermodel Kathy Ireland and two mystery guests.

95. Who are they? It's a mystery.

96. They don't need to be a mystery to me, Artie.

97. I'm the host. Well, what do you care?

98. They'll be great. Artie.

99. It's in the trades, isn't it?

100. About me and Jeannie's divorce, right?

101. I— I haven't read the trades yet.

102. I'm not going to the bathroom for another two hours.

103. Let me see them. What?

104. The trades.

105. Can't. Why?

106. Can't. Why?

107. Oh! The Emmy nominations came out today.

108. Don't tell me.

109. Bastards. Shit.

110. I thought sure, with Johnny gone,

111. we'd receive a nomination. I don't need to see this.

112. I'll tell you who got nominated.

113. Letterman, "Saturday Night Live",

114. And I'll bet you Billy Crystal

115. hosting the Academy Awards. Am I right?

116. What's the other one?

117. "A Jackie Mason Hanukkah," Artie?

118. Cable shows should be an entirely different category.

119. We're slipping. Absolutely not.

120. I'm not blaming you, I'm the one who spent

121. the last four months on the telephone

122. talking to my wife, trying to save my marriage.

123. What are you doing?

124. You okay? I'm fine.

125. Would you sit down? You— You're frightening me.

126. Sit down. Listen, I feel for you, boy.

127. You know, marriages will take you right through

128. the old ringer. Thank you.

129. Believe me, I know.

130. Thank you, I really tried this time too, Artie.

131. Well, walk it off. Walk it off?

132. Cancel. Move on.

133. What are you talk— Why don't I just put ice on it, Artie?

134. It's a marriage, for God's sakes! (chuckling)

135. You know what I need to do?

136. I need to focus on this fucking show.

137. I could use a hot towel.

138. Do you really— Do you have one?

139. Yeah. (knock on door)

140. Kathy Ireland is trying on wardrobe.

141. Shouldn't you be working on jokes?

142. Kathy Ireland is trying on wardrobe.

143. Come on, Larry!

144. Come on. This will do you good.

145. Supermodel,

146. costume changes, fittings—

147. anything could happen. (both purring)

148. Oh, as attractive as you guys make it sound,

149. please, focus on the show!

150. Yes. Yes. Focus. Focus.

151. Now let's go focus on Miss Kathy Ireland,

152. a very important part of the show tonight.

153. Beverly?

154. Beverly? Yes?

155. Would you please get Jeannie on the phone for me?

156. Uh-uh. No.

157. Good. Get me a hot towel.

158. What? A hot towel.

159. I need a hot towel.

160. Well, okay. I'll check on it.

161. Oh, they're out there. You don't need to check.

162. They're out there. Artie was selling them

163. like there's no tomorrow. I mean, they must be out there,

164. or he wouldn't be in here saying anything about hot towels.

165. They must be right out there, very close by.

166. There's hot towels out there.

167. I could tell.

168. I'm get— I— I'm going crazy.

169. I hear Jeannie crying In my head.

170. (crying) Poor Larry.

171. Yeah. Who would have thought?

172. I thought this time it would last forever.

173. Jeannie was such a good person.

174. Oh, I thought you were talking about the Emmy nominations.

175. Oh, screw her!

176. She was always trying to drive a wedge

177. between Larry and me.

178. One time— one time

179. I was invited to Larry's house while they were married.

180. Then you and Larry will probably be spending

181. a lot more time together, then.

182. Well, I—

183. Well, no, I'd assume.

184. Because, you know, actually, during the—

185. during the interval between Francine and Jeannie,

186. we were very— we were very tight, you know.

187. Really? We used to hit the bar

188. at the Bel Air Hotel, you know, work a little skirt.

189. I bet she's going to be really sad,

190. even with all that money.

191. Yeah... yeah.

192. I mean, I guess this year,

193. I'm going to get very, very close to Larry.

194. Jerry Van Dyke. Fuck him.

195. Beverly! This towel isn't even hot! (knock on door)

196. Hi, Larry. Oh, Miss Parrish.

197. Artie's not here.

198. I know. I came to see you.

199. Oh— well, Artie's not here.

200. Larry, I just want you to know

201. I read about the divorce

202. and everybody at the network is thinking about you.

203. Oh, thanks. That's nice. Artie's not— he's not here.

204. I know that. Please, don't get up.

205. I just want to tell you,

206. we can discuss the Phoenix problem another time.

207. Phoenix?

208. They're dropping you for Chevy Chase.

209. You're kidding. Hard to believe, isn't it?

210. I want you to take it easy.

211. I don't want you to worry about that

212. or Tulsa or the Emmy nominations.

213. You just take it easy.

214. We can talk about this tomorrow morning.

215. You know Artie wasn't here.

216. I know where Artie is.

217. You know, I kind of feel embarrassed

218. talking about my photos.

219. I have a new movie.

220. Oh, "The Last Paisan."

221. I— I saw it twice.

222. It's not out yet.

223. But I hear you're wonderful. Yeah.

224. And here he is.

225. Kathy, of course you know Mr. Larry Sanders.

226. It's a pleasure to meet you.

227. The pleasure, I'm sure, is mutual.

228. Yes, it's a pleasure meeting you.

229. You have a good time on the show.

230. I know you're just gonna be great.

231. Thank you, hey, what do you think of my shoes?

232. Those are great.

233. Open-toed. Mine are closed-toed.

234. Well, I like all your shoes.

235. I need to talk to you.

236. Kathy, you're a delight.

237. Delight.

238. Those really are great shoes. Yeah.

239. Well, I think you should start dating right away.

240. That Ms. Kathy Ireland is not a bad place to start.

241. Artie, there'll be no dating

242. until we get this show on track,

243. I have no dick, okay?

244. No dick? Check.

245. Now, listen, did you hear about the Phoenix affiliate?

246. We got dropped, yes. How'd you find out?

247. Melanie Parrish was in my office last night.

248. Oh, shit! How did she get past security?

249. I do not know.

250. Do you have last night's ratings?

251. The ratings last night are in no way indicative

252. of the overall performance

253. of this show. Would you just give me the ratings?

254. Okay, so we got killed. Just give me the ratings.

255. Bear in mind, Koppel had the Buttafuocos on last night—

256. Jesus, he is dipping into the toilet.

257. I agree. Well, why didn't we get the Buttafuocos on?

258. 'Cause they turned us down.

259. Good, they're not right for the show anyway.

260. I agree. Fucking Koppel blurs the line.

261. My God, no, it's not right.

262. It's a tragedy. I'll wait for you in the office.

263. My God— Hank, it's a little late

264. to start pretending that you like Jeannie.

265. Hey! Hey!

266. What are you doing after the show tonight?

267. I— No, wait a minute, because I'm meeting

268. two lovely ladies at the Bel Air Hotel.

269. Hey, hey, there's two of them,

270. you know, one of me, so, you know—

271. no pressure.

272. Who can afford a hair weave? Who can afford a transplant?

273. And for that matter,

274. who knows a baboon who wants to give you his hair?

275. The first baboon liver transplants.

276. Okay. Very funny.

277. I don't think anybody will remember that.

278. But that's— okay, now, and what is your name, sir?

279. Hank Kingsley.

280. It's going to be Hank. Well, if Hank—

281. if it's gonna be Hank, why isn't Hank here?

282. Hank has only one line, and it's his own name.

283. Yeah, and you think he can do that without a rehearsal, Artie?

284. Oh, please. All right, okay.

285. All right. Here we go.

286. Well, your solution is here.

287. It's Larry Sanders' Hat in a Can.

288. Isn't "Cap in a Can" funnier?

289. Cap in a Can. Ha!

290. You're right! That's funnier. Cap in a Can!

291. All right, Artie. Don't. Come on.

292. Cap in a Can.

293. All right, then I— what,

294. I spray it on his head right then?

295. Now we...

296. And then we cut away,

297. and then we cut back.

298. He is wearing the Cap in a Can hat.

299. Is that the one we're gon— is this the hat we're gonna use?

300. Very funny. Because, I mean, this does not look

301. like it comes out of a can.

302. This looks like— I can understand

303. how this part could come out of a can,

304. but the brim— how would the brim

305. know to come out of the can before the rest of the hat?

306. Are you actually questioning the reality of the Cap in the Can?

307. You know, if I don't, who will?

308. I'm pissing in my pants, conceptual flaw and all!

309. May we move on, please?

310. All right.

311. Don't we have something else? Seriously.

312. Excuse me—

313. Uh, I'm sure that the writers

314. can cook up something very funny

315. about your marital disorders.

316. I mean, after all, that is what will be

317. on every viewer's mind.

318. How many do you have?

319. A couple. 200.

320. Well, okay, he's been working on them since 1989.

321. Was it that obvious? Excuse me.

322. I'm sorry, you can't do that.

323. I wasn't going to mention this till after the show,

324. but Jeannie's attorney just messengered this over.

325. Jeannie, through her attorney, has issued a court order

326. "restraining Larry Sanders or anyone connected with

327. "'The Larry Sanders Show' from making jokes, remarks,

328. or any public mention of Jeannie Sanders."

329. You're kidding. Oh, shit.

330. I— I recognize this stationery.

331. Who's Jeannie's attorney? Marvin.

332. Mitchelson! Oh, boy.

333. Now I'm not even gonna end up with the dog.

334. Oh, no, no, no.

335. Lee Marvin lost everything but the dog.

336. Um, Arthur, your son Eddie called.

337. There's a problem. What now?

338. Arthur, he's been arrested for...

339. (whispering) possession.

340. Call my lawyer— I hope bail money becomes tax-deductible.

341. It should with that hippie in the White House.

342. Ow!

343. Get some water! Get a towel!

344. Hops, what are the ingredients of this Cap in a Can?

345. Listen to this— and this is a direct quote

346. from Letterman.

347. "I'm not the kind of person who wants to see

348. "somebody else fail on television.

349. "Whatever the future holds,

350. I'm in pretty good shape."

351. Now, Doc, you're a professional.

352. Is this guy— is this guy on the level or what?

353. 'Cause... (knocking on door)

354. Ahoy there, matey.

355. What the fuck are you doing?

356. Actually, I figured, if I— if I wore a patch,

357. Then it won't look odd that you have one on.

358. People, you know, will think it's a— it's a bit.

359. What kind of bit?

360. Just, you know, two guys with patches on.

361. Take it off. Okay.

362. Take it off— what's in the, uh—

363. what's in the box?

364. Oh. Ow.

365. This? Yeah.

366. Larry. Hmm?

367. Um, I'm okay. I'm okay.

368. Um, we've been friends for a very long time,

369. Mm-hmm. Larry, and I— it just breaks my heart

370. what this woman is doing to you.

371. Yeah. So...

372. I thought this might help.

373. And this is from me to you.

374. And, uh, she's almost housebroken.

375. You know.

376. I have a dog.

377. No? No? Oh, no, I heard that— Yeah.

378. well, Jeannie took the dog?

379. No, Jeannie didn't take the dog.

380. Oh, well, Darlene must have misunderstood.

381. Um, anyhow, in that case,

382. then I hope you will accept this little get-well gift.

383. Oh, thank you. Oh, come on, read the inscription.

384. Go ahead, read it.

385. It says, "Have fun in Vegas."

386. I'm not going to Vegas. Yes, you are.

387. We're going to Vegas, you and me (muttering)

388. and Barbara and Cindy— I'm not going to Vegas.

389. who claim they have never been there before. We are not going to Vegas—

390. Now, you listen to me. You listen to me.

391. You just listen to me.

392. Larry?

393. Larry, I've seen men try to lose themselves

394. in their work like this before—

395. Redd Foxx and Dick Shawn and Regis Philbin.

396. Capisce? Yeah.

397. Stress kills.

398. You hear that? It kills.

399. But the best cure for stress is...

400. Blowjobs? Bingo.

401. Listen to this, Hank.

402. Did you see this Letterman article?

403. Listen to this.

404. "I'm looking forward"--

405. This is a quote from Letterman.

406. "I'm looking forward to the competition.

407. That's what will make the show better."

408. Yeah, but did you— did you read this?

409. Look what Paul Shaffer says.

410. "I don't care where Dave goes,

411. as long as I go with him."

412. What a little kiss-ass.

413. No more tight shots of Larry, God damn it,

414. and his eyes leaking like Niagara Falls.

415. Stay wide. Yes, stay wide!

416. It's the revolutionary Cap in a Can.

417. (audience laughter) All right.

418. What is your name, sir?

419. Bob Stevens.

420. Who's Bob Stevens?

421. Bob Stevens is an ordinary, everyday guy.

422. All right, Bob.

423. Uh, Bob.

424. You ready for your new look?

425. Yes, I am. And here is

426. your first Cap in a Can.

427. Okay. Good luck.

428. Thank you.

429. Aw, jeez.

430. Well...

431. this is really going to sell.

432. Bob, I guess you're pretty sold on this product.

433. Aren't you, Bob?

434. Bob? Hank?

435. Yeah.

436. Cap in a Can.

437. My next guests... (rock music plays)

438. need no introduction.

439. Los Lobos!

440. Hey! You're on! Really on!

441. A Cap in a Can— hilarious.

442. Did you see Hank?

443. Yes. You can't buy those kind of fuck-ups, Larry.

444. Didn't you hear the audience? I mean, what do you want?

445. How's that eye? I've forgotten all about it.

446. You like them? Like them?

447. They do rock.

448. Hey, let's book Boy George.

449. He's go his smack problems behind him.

450. Fine with me. Fine with me.

451. All I know is, this is where I should be.

452. Right here, this is where my priorities are.

453. Showbiz?

454. I feel light-headed— I'd dance with you.

455. You look pale. Hey, Abram?

456. Do I look a little pale? Yeah.

457. That's fine. Thanks.

458. No, that's fine.

459. What's wrong?

460. You ever had that happen where you feel like

461. somebody grabbed you when they weren't there?

462. No. That was weird.

463. Artie, call a doctor.

464. You want the studio nurse?

465. Call the doctor. Is it your eye?

466. It's my— it's my chest, Artie.

467. Is it right there?

468. Yeah.

469. That's a heart attack.

470. We thank thee for sparing the life of Larry Sanders.

471. I first met Larry in the spring of 1985.

472. My cruise liner was moored off the...

473. uh, coast of Portugal, I—

474. Amen.

475. Hank? Hank?

476. Yeah, buddy? Hank?

477. Yeah?

478. Get the fuck off the bed.

479. I'd like a moment alone With Beverly, please.

480. He wants a moment alone with Beverly.

481. Hank, I heard what he said.

482. Okay.

483. You're looking good, my lad.

484. Racquetball, two weeks.

485. Jeannie's right. My priorities are all screwed up.

486. Oh, Larry, don't be so hard on yourself.

487. Look at me. Look at me.

488. I can't end up like this again.

489. This heart attack is a warning sign, don't you think?

490. It wasn't a heart attack, it was a heart episode.

491. You know what I mean.

492. I'm 40 years old.

493. I haven't made one marriage work.

494. First of all, you're 42,

495. and don't push so hard.

496. Just focus on the things that make you happy.

497. You know what would make me happy right now?

498. What's that?

499. The dog.

500. I want it. Go get the dog.

501. Larry, I don't know how to tell you this,

502. but Jeannie stopped by earlier...

503. She did?

504. and she took the dog.

505. Well, good morning, Mr. Full-of-Life.

506. Good morning to you, Hank.

507. Do you remember that, uh, the private nurse you had?

508. Miss Ferguson? Yeah. Sheila.

509. Sure. Uh, anyway, I got to talking to her,

510. and, well, let's just say, uh,

511. She has a friend, you see. Uh-huh? Yeah.

512. And, uh— I know where this is going.

513. No, wait a minute— Friend's also a nurse.

514. Nurse, and she's equally attractive.

515. And what do you say? Come on, you know. I don't know.

516. Jeez— Uh, two lovely nurses,

517. a little dinner at the Bel Air Hotel.

518. Before you know it, you got your head turned sideways,

519. you're coughing. Okay, I tell you what,

520. I'm just gonna go fuck myself, okay?

521. Hank, I'm sorry. It's my first day back.

522. I'm a little on edge. Ah, you see, that's stress.

523. That's stress. (sighing) I am fine.

524. Stress, stress. I hate it, you know?

525. Stress kills, you know?

526. And— and we all know,

527. we all know the best relief in the world for stress is—

528. Don't say it, Hank.

529. Blowjobs.

530. Main floor, talk show.

531. Think about it.

532. Think about what?

533. He wants to set me up.

534. Ah, forget about it.

535. Surprise!

536. Larry Sanders in the house.

537. Oh, my god, Larry, you look so good.

538. Oh, thanks, Darlene. Thank you.

539. We have monologue jokes about your heart attack.

540. Uh, I— It was not a heart attack.

541. It was a mild heart episode.

542. A heart episode. Please. A heart episode.

543. Is that anything like a "Designing Women" episode?

544. Yes, in that— In that they both make you sick?

545. Yes, and involve fatty build-up.

546. There you go. (laughter)

547. Hey, Larry, isn't your cholesterol higher than your—

548. S.A.T.s. He's back.

549. Get well cards. How many?

550. Seven and a half pounds.

551. Seven and a half pounds!

552. Way to go, Lar.

553. Hey, well, Wait a minute.

554. Last year, when I broke my leg,

555. didn't I get nine pounds?

556. Yes, but you've got two miles of faxes out there.

557. Well, all right. Send them a nice,

558. personally autographed photo of me.

559. Oh, should I put "Best wishes" or "Thanks for caring"?

560. Ah, your choice. Beverly, please.

561. Oh, leave him be, Beverly.

562. Here's where you—

563. Artie, please.

564. Support.

565. Who's on the show?

566. Ed Harris, Luther Vandross,

567. and as far as I'm concerned,

568. a cure for what ails you,

569. Miss Helen Hunt.

570. Um, well, what can I say?

571. We, uh, play newlyweds living in Manhattan, Mm-hmm.

572. and, uh, he has a dog,

573. and I have a neurotic sister,

574. and we both have jobs,

575. and, somehow in there, "Mad About You."

576. And— and are you having fun?

577. Yes, having a very good time.

578. Good. Well, if I may say,

579. I think the viewing public is watching because

580. they're mad about you. (chuckles)

581. Thank you very much. (applause)

582. I personally think

583. that most people are mad about you.

584. Larry. No, most—

585. most, uh, most people are mad at me.

586. So, listen...

587. when exactly is the show on?

588. It's on 9:30 Saturday night.

589. That's a new time for us.

590. You know, we used to be on Wednesdays after "Seinfeld."

591. So, uh, what have you been doing in your spare time?

592. Oh, God, I haven't really had any spare time.

593. You know, they picked us up for 22 more shows,

594. and they could add more to that on the back end.

595. Wow, if your back end gets too big,

596. you gotta get a Stairmaster.

597. So, um...

598. well, let me see, what I was gonna ask you

599. is how's the new time slot working out?

600. Um, the ratings are a little weaker,

601. but we have a much stronger share,

602. Mm-hmm. which is key, you know, about Saturday nights.

603. Sure, sure. How was your fish?

604. It's a little dry.

605. Now, didn't somebody tell me that you went to Hawaii?

606. Is that right?

607. Yeah, the guy that did my pre-interview for your show?

608. That's right, that's right.

609. Was there a funny story about Hawaii?

610. 'Cause we didn't get to it on the air. Yeah, actually.

611. A girlfriend and I were snorkeling in the water,

612. and— Hey, why don't you hold that thought,

613. and, uh, I'll be right back.

614. Okay, see you in a minute.

615. No flipping. You're a riot.

616. I am telling you, it was like an interview.

617. All she talked about was show business,

618. and all I did was pretend to be interested.

619. All right, I mean, maybe it's just well it didn't go anywhere.

620. What do you mean just as well? She's not your type.

621. I won't book her anymore.

622. I told you that earlier.

623. Larry, Larry, I'm talking

624. to two girls out there in the audience

625. Yeah. who drove in all the way from Anaheim.

626. Now they're Disney employees, they're— they're waitresses.

627. Where at? Uh, the Dumbo Hilton—

628. the Dumbo Hyatt— I don't know.

629. Anyway, do you think they wanna drive

630. all the way back there tonight? No, they do not.

631. I mean, after all, that is a two-hour drive.

632. Yeah, I think that's just to the monorail stop, isn't it?

633. So, where do you think

634. I told them they should stay overnight?

635. Oh, I don't know— Bel Air Hotel. Bel Air Hotel.

636. Larry, this is 8-ball in the corner pocket.

637. This is game over.

638. All we need are our cue sticks, it sounds like to me.

639. Hey, now. You bring the chalk.

640. (chuckles) Chalk?

641. Think about it.

642. Did you get them all?

643. I got them all. Huh? Okay.

644. You always get them all. I shouldn't even ask.

645. (theme music plays) Did you get them all?

646. She got them all. I just asked her.

647. She always gets them all.

648. Get ready to have a good time with Dana Delany.

649. Live on tape from Hollywood,

650. "The Larry Sanders Show." Tonight...

651. Oh, you finished that? Yeah.

652. You know, I've been known to have

653. wild palms myself.

654. Hey now.

655. Don't worry, they're not hairy.

656. Didn't want to say it.

657. All right.

658. Well, uh, what are you working on now?

659. Oh, I don't want to talk about that.

660. Everybody talks about show business in this town.

661. Bores me to death.

662. How was your fish?

663. Um, a little dry.

664. Oh, really? Really? Yeah.

665. You know, I really should get going.

666. Aren't you gonna finish your dessert?

667. No, um, I gotta get up early tomorrow.

668. Oh, are you working on something?

669. Uh, no— I'm not working. I just— I'm a morning person.

670. Oh. How about you?

671. No, well, you know, I host a late night talk show,

672. so I'm up late.

673. Yeah, but you shoot during the afternoons.

674. Yeah, but I'm— I'm so wired

675. from watching it that I don't get to sleep

676. till like 3— 4 in the morning.

677. Let me get this. Oh, no, let me— let me get that.

678. No, no, no, no, please, I had a great time.

679. I asked you. I want to.

680. Well, do you want to go back to my house

681. to watch ourselves on the show?

682. Um, Larry?

683. I heard you had a stroke or something.

684. No, I did not. I'm excellent.

685. Gosh, I thought I read somewhere

686. that you had a stroke. No, no.

687. I had a minor heart episode if that.

688. I don't know, maybe that's what they're talking about.

689. Oh, my God, you seem so young to have that problem.

690. No, no, it is very common among talk show hosts.

691. Regis Philbin had angioplasty recently.

692. Let me help you With that.

693. (chuckles) Larry...

694. I don't want you to take this personally or anything—

695. and— 'cause you're great, you are,

696. but, um, you're— you're just not my type.

697. Really? Oh.

698. What is your type?

699. Well, it's not like I really have a type.

700. But— Oh.

701. It's just, you know, I just got out of a relationship,

702. and I'm not ready to get involved again.

703. Right.

704. Which one is it, really?

705. Artie, I know what you're doing,

706. And I just want you to stop. Do what?

707. You— There's a very fine line between being a booker

708. and a pimp. Oh, thank you.

709. Look, this show is the most highly advanced

710. video dating service in the world.

711. Besides, left to your own devices,

712. ooh, you don't pick winners.

713. You know, you talk about it like it's the track, Artie.

714. It is! It is not the track.

715. Jeannie pulled up lame,

716. and that crazy Philly Francine

717. should have been shot in the infield.

718. Listen, I will ruin my life

719. on my own, thank you. Go ahead.

720. Excuse me. Arthur, It's one of your sons.

721. Eddie? Steve.

722. Aw, shit. Sheriff's station?

723. No, emergency room.

724. Oh. It's line three.

725. Hey, how was the date with Miss China Beach?

726. It was more of a "get to know you" thing

727. than a date, really.

728. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, well, what the hell.

729. What do you need with her? I mean,

730. she's a pain in the ass.

731. Isn't she? Yeah. Actresses.

732. I mean, they're all pains in the ass, I know.

733. you know. Aren't they?

734. This is good. This is—

735. this is— this is funny.

736. Which one? Shoes.

737. That's all it says. "Shoes."

738. Yeah, I know. That's great. There's no joke there.

739. Listen, um...

740. I think, uh, I know what you want,

741. and, uh, I happen to know I just don't know if I—

742. these, uh, two girls who work at The Gap,

743. Katya and Bri.

744. Uh, and, uh, they're—

745. they're very young but, uh, but bright.

746. And— and Bri has actually had some community college.

747. Is that right? Yeah.

748. Wow, is that the Hollywood Gap

749. or the Santa Monica Gap?

750. Um, I don't— I don't know.

751. Have you ever eaten at the St. James Club?

752. No. Never. Oh. Well, actually, it's not— it's not a club,

753. it's a— it's a hotel.

754. But we could have a night there.

755. Yeah. You know. Will you think about it?

756. You know? Okay? I've decided to ruin my life on my own.

757. But will you just think about it?

758. Will you think— I better ruin it on my own.

759. All right. Larry.

760. I can't take any more of these, I might—

761. Get ready to have a very good time with Teri Garr.

762. Where's Larry's breath freshener?

763. Oh, I'm sorry, I—

764. Omaha? Wonderful.

765. Isn't that where Dorothy's from?

766. Oh, I mean Kansas—

767. Teri Garr. She's— she's cute.

768. She's funny, isn't she?

769. Larry, I— I'm sorry,

770. I— I can't watch you do this to yourself.

771. If you think dating a bunch of actresses is

772. gonna turn your life around,

773. well, I'll just have the cardiac ward

774. reserve a room for you right now.

775. Yeah, you think? Applesauce!

776. But he's a trained dog.

777. He does a trick when I, uh—

778. if I hold food in front of his face,

779. and I ask him a question

780. like, "Is it a nice day?" and I go like this,

781. he goes "yes."

782. So he's kind of a trained dog

783. and kind of, uh, just a dog.

784. Well, you know, my grandfather

785. will do that.

786. Really? I don't know if that— Yes, you can go,

787. "Grandpa... isn't it cold outside?"

788. And he nods, even though it— it's 105 degrees.

789. Exactly what you're talking— And the joke is on Grandpa.

790. That's right! Same with the dog.

791. Uh, we should talk about this.

792. Uh, why don't we just write it down?

793. Yeah, that's a good idea.

794. Okay.

795. I don't know what words to use.

796. Um, how about,

797. "This was probably a mistake"?

798. Yeah, that's good.

799. And, um—

800. "It will never, never happen again."

801. Good. All right.

802. And, "We— we—

803. "I should never have a Xanax and wine—

804. together." Oh, gosh, me neither.

805. No. No Xanax... Okay.

806. Is Larry in yet? Mm-mm.

807. I know he's been dating a lot of guests.

808. Don't you think it's only a matter of time

809. before he works his way around to one of us?

810. Mm.

811. It's gonna happen. Let's face facts.

812. And when it does, it's either gonna be you or me.

813. Right. Like Larry would date a sister?

814. I don't think so.

815. Beverly, fine morning. Good morning.

816. Darlene...

817. (whispering) Never mind.

818. God. It's me.

819. Listen, Steve. Jesus Christ.

820. You better grow up, you son of a bitch.

821. This is America.

822. You don't get caught. You don't ever plead guilty.

823. You hear me, you asshole? Yeah. Jesus.

824. That is fascinating. So you actually have a—

825. The— The Gap actually has a— a branch in Santa Monica?

826. Oh, yeah, mm-hmm. The location is great,

827. but the personnel manager is such a bitch.

828. Oh, there is no excuse for that, I hate that.

829. Bad. That's not— that's not right.

830. So, how do you spell Katya?

831. K-A-T-Y-A, huh, right?

832. Hmm? Well, actually I-A.

833. So it's actually pronounced Kaht-ee-ah?

834. No, I think it would be Kaht-yah.

835. Oh. Kaht-yah, kaht-yah.

836. And then is Smith just a common spelling?

837. Larry. (laughter)

838. Um, would you boys just excuse us for a minute?

839. Oh, go for it. Ahem. Okay.

840. We'll both be right back.

841. Great, well, this is—

842. I mean, it's fun, isn't it?

843. This is fun. You having fun?

844. It's all right. Yeah, I mean, it's a refreshing change

845. from those, you know, self-obsessed showbiz women.

846. You know.

847. Hey, hey, isn't that Susan Anton?

848. Isn't that Susan? Right there.

849. No. Yeah.

850. No, very similar look, but—

851. No. No, that's exactly her look. Susan.

852. Hi, how are you? Hey, Larry, hi.

853. Wha— Uh, how are you?

854. I'm good, good.

855. Um, hey, why don't you sit down and, uh—

856. Actually, uh, no, we're in the middle

857. of something right now, Sue.

858. Oh, oh, sure. Yeah. Oh, well— well pull—

859. pull up a chair. Uh, there's no extra chairs.

860. Yeah, you guys figure it out, okay?

861. I've gotta go anyway. Yeah.

862. It was nice seeing you.

863. See you later on. Oh...

864. What— what are you doing?

865. Believe me, this is something

866. you do not want to get into right now.

867. Can I ask you something?

868. What?

869. Um, I like the blonde.

870. Fine. Great, thanks.

871. You're welcome. Thanks for what?

872. We're back. We're back.

873. Hello. Hey.

874. So, uh, Katia, um,

875. how long have you been in retail? A while.

876. Larry, can I have a bite of your cake?

877. You sure can.

878. Save some for me.

879. I'm saving the frosting for you.

880. Katia, Katia, um... Good.

881. is it your dream to, uh,

882. someday have your own retail... store?

883. It's delicious.

884. This is gonna embarrass you, uh, Katia.

885. Katia?

886. You have— you have the most— (laughter)

887. I can't— Can I— do you mind?

888. I know it's embarrassing, but that's the most

889. incredible blonde hair.

890. Ha ha ha ha! Oh, Jesus. Really.

891. No, you do. You know.

892. Actually, when I was a teenager,

893. My hair was very— it was very close to that color.

894. Mmm. I think I need some air.

895. Oh, man. Excuse me.

896. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

897. Oh, no, that's all right.

898. Can I ask you something? Yeah.

899. Are you having a good time?

900. Yeah. I— I mean, I— I know that

901. you're used to going out with big movie stars and stuff.

902. Those women have a lot of problems.

903. They're bad news. You have no idea.

904. Really? Yeah.

905. You know who you should have on your show?

906. Who?

907. Tom.

908. Tom Hanks?

909. No, no, no. Tom, this guy from my work.

910. He is, like, the funniest guy

911. that I have ever met.

912. Sometimes when business is really slow, Mm-hmm.

913. he walks around the store

914. wearing the biggest pair of pants that we've got.

915. I mean, like, a man's size 62.

916. It is so fucking funny.

917. It sounds funny. It is.

918. So, where can I tell him to get in touch with you?

919. I mean, should I just give him your phone number?

920. No more single dates, no more double dates, Right. Okay.

921. no more dates. Okay, you're right.

922. No more women, okay.

923. But, uh, now, listen to this.

924. My place in Malibu, just you and me—

925. no chiquitas, a few glasses of port,

926. some fine Cubanos, maybe, I don't know,

927. a couple of porno tapes.

928. How about a ball game? You wanna do that?

929. Hey, I'm there! Good, okay, okay, good.

930. Uh, baseball?

931. Yeah. You, me, Artie. What do you say?

932. That's great. Like the old days. Yeah. Yeah.

933. I don't know what old days you're talking about

934. in particular, but that general idea.

935. Yeah. And please, no women.

936. Amen.

937. Who's that?

938. It's a woman. Yecch.

939. Excuse me, the elevator's always a little slow

940. because there's a—

941. Sorry to disappoint you.

942. You are hardly a disappointment.

943. This is my first wife, Francine.

944. You probably don't recall 'cause it's been quite a while.

945. Hi, Hank.

946. I'm sorry, Francine.

947. You didn't recognize me, that's okay. How are you?

948. We only had you over to the house that one time.

949. Oh, but again, that blancat duveaux was—

950. it was extraordinary.

951. You know, I've been— I've been wanting

952. to get that recipe— (pager beeping)

953. from— that's my beeper.

954. I don't think she's quite got the hang of this.

955. Let's go over this again.

956. You see, it's for when you cannot see me.

957. You cannot see me. Here, let me explain it.

958. Didn't we have him over to the house more than once?

959. No, we didn't.

960. You only let me invite each of your friends

961. over one time. Really?

962. Oh, I must have been really an asshole.

963. No, not really. Who wants to have those friends over

964. more than once anyway?

965. Right, right, right. This elevator's slow.

966. What were you doing here?

967. Oh, um, I'm working on this piece about

968. Hollywood unions.

969. I was interviewing some of the tech people here. Uh-huh.

970. Lot of productions going up to Canada,

971. and some of these guys are really—

972. You look great.

973. You weren't listening. Yes, I was.

974. You were talking about the Hollywood unions

975. and, uh, tech people really getting hurt.

976. I bleed for those people, you know?

977. But you really do look great.

978. No, son, this detox will be good for you.

979. What's that? What?

980. Well, where in the hell do you think you are?

981. You're in Minnesota.

982. Red alert, Artie.

983. Why?

984. Well, Steve, I love you, son, that's why.

985. Larry is talking to Francine.

986. Oh, Jesus! God! I'll call you back.

987. Who let the crazy bitch in here?

988. I have no idea. She's gonna fuck him up for weeks.

989. I heard you had a heart attack or something.

990. Your wife left you, but I didn't hear

991. about the Emmy— Yeah, we didn't get nominated again.

992. Aw, I'm sorry. Those are such nice statues.

993. Aren't they? Aren't they? Yes.

994. You know? And now I'm just gonna—

995. I built all these bookshelves.

996. I'm gonna have to put books on 'em, you know?

997. Which fools nobody. Don't I know.

998. Now people just come over, they see all the books,

999. they think, "Hey, no Emmys." No Emmy.

1000. Right. Do you want to go to, uh, dinner?

1001. Oh.

1002. Is that a yes?

1003. No, I'm— I'm thinking.

1004. Oh.

1005. I'm thinking, too.

1006. Sorry the elevator's so slow.

1007. Oh, well, I haven't pushed the button yet.

1008. This place is very dark and sad, don't you think?

1009. Yeah. You come here a lot, huh?

1010. No, I don't.

1011. Really? Mm-mmm.

1012. There's a caricature of you over there on the wall.

1013. Oh, that's Barbra Streisand.

1014. Hmm, that looks exactly like you.

1015. Well, you know, these aren't supposed to be flattering.

1016. Caricatures never are.

1017. You see Nick Nolte over there? Mm-hmm.

1018. Look, he looks like Rose Marie.

1019. How do you think he feels? Oh, oh, I thought that was Gene Autry.

1020. Huh? No. That's Nick Nolte.

1021. Excuse me, Mr. Sanders.

1022. Mr. Ovitz would like you to accept

1023. this bottle of champagne with his compliments.

1024. Oh, thanks.

1025. Just set it down and tell Mr. Ovitz

1026. thank you very much. I sure will, sir.

1027. He hates me.

1028. Then why are you waving at him?

1029. Because he's waving at me. He's a very powerful man.

1030. He could get me a movie. Do you want a movie?

1031. No, but it would be nice to be asked.

1032. Stop waving. I can't stop waving.

1033. Help me stop. Do something.

1034. Just— (sighing)

1035. You just gave Mike Ovitz the finger.

1036. What is wrong with you?

1037. Would you stop? He didn't even— Stop what?

1038. He didn't even see it. He saw you.

1039. He saw you. He doesn't need to see it.

1040. He can feel it. He's an agent.

1041. You know how many times he gets flipped off

1042. behind his back in a given week?

1043. He's sitting there right now going,

1044. "Wow, someone just flipped me off."

1045. It comes from deep down in those guys.

1046. Boy, you have really changed.

1047. I know. I like it.

1048. Yeah? Yeah, but you gotta be careful

1049. 'Cause someone's gonna shoot you in this town

1050. if you flip 'em off like that.

1051. What if I told you I have a gun?

1052. You have a gun?

1053. Yes, I do.

1054. Jesus, you've changed.

1055. I know.

1056. I want to thank them for returning the couch and Hank.

1057. Oh. It's— it's on a—

1058. it's on a— it's on a timer.

1059. Wait a minute.

1060. Oh, that—

1061. that thing's happening again,

1062. where your— where your suit disappears into the curtain.

1063. Oh, yeah— Like, you know, like the—

1064. Looks like a big floating head.

1065. Yeah. That doesn't really bother me anymore anyway.

1066. Really? Well, that's good.

1067. Great. Thank you.

1068. Well, I'm gonna...

1069. Where are you going?

1070. No, I— I have a deadline and you have a show to watch.

1071. No, no, no, no, no, no. Look—

1072. (TV clicks off) There.

1073. Oh, that's a very sweet gesture—

1074. Sweet gesture? I don't turn my show off for anybody.

1075. I know, but I— I still have a deadline.

1076. I'm gonna go downstairs to get my clothes.

1077. That was great sex. I had a great time.

1078. It was— it was— Well— well, wait a minute.

1079. Now, aren't— aren't you, um—

1080. Can I have, you know...

1081. What? You know, could I have your number?

1082. My phone number? Yeah.

1083. Well— (telephone rings)

1084. I'm not gonna get that.

1085. I don't believe you.

1086. I'm not. I'm not gonna get that.

1087. (phone beeps) Larry, it's Artie.

1088. I know you went to dinner with Francine,

1089. but, Jesus, God, lad,

1090. I'm warning you, don't have sex with her.

1091. Larry?