The Larry Sanders Show 1x9

1. three, I want to hear a "Hey now."

2. Are you with me now? Okay, now, hold on.

3. One, two, three. Hey now!

4. That's fantastic.

5. Now, you see these "applause" signs?

6. Or does that say "applesauce"?

7. No, no, no, that says "applause."

8. Okay. Well, come on, let's hear it, gang.

9. Hey now!

10. Beautiful. Come on, come on, come on.

11. There you go. There you go.

12. I'm sorry. I didn't get the messages that you called.

13. I will fire somebody. (Hank continues speaking)

14. I'll fire somebody.

15. Would you change "Skinner" to "Baker"?

16. Come on, you gotta start reading the newspaper.

17. It's "Baker" now. I'm not done talking.

18. I thought we were done with our conversation. We'll talk after the show.

19. Okay? Oh, bullshit. We're not gonna talk after the show.

20. You'll be winding down.

21. Yeah. We're not gonna talk now, because you're gearing up.

22. We can't talk when we're at home,

23. because you're watching the show, wincing and moaning.

24. You know, the only way I'm going to talk to you

25. is if I'm booked on the show as a guest.

26. Fine, I'll book you. You're on.

27. Except— listen— then you can't do Arsenio

28. for the next three to six months,

29. so that's a decision you're gonna have to make. That's great. That's funny.

30. You know, I'm really serious here.

31. This is our life that I'm talking about,

32. not the audience or the... cameras or...

33. Have a good time. All right, here we go.

34. I can't do this anymore.

35. Five, four, three, two... What does that mean?

36. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

37. What are you talking about, you don't know what you're gonna do?

38. Live on tape from Hollywood... What does that mean?

39. I mean, I don't...

40. Tonight, join Larry and his guests—

41. know what I'm going to do.

42. Well, look...

43. I'll— I'll go do the monologue,

44. I'll cut it short, I'll come right back

45. and we'll talk about it then. Two minutes.

46. Okay? Two minutes, I'll cut it short.

47. Larry Sanders! You stay right here.

48. Please. Please, please.

49. We have to get out of here in an hour.

50. Listen...

51. thanks— thanks for coming tonight.

52. We have a wonderful show, really exciting show.

53. And, of course, I want to start off by mentioning

54. the Republican convention.

55. How many of you watched?

56. (applause) Right.

57. So, did you notice—

58. I don't know— when they panned

59. all the people there—

60. there were an assortment of many different kinds of buttons.

61. Marilyn Quayle had the only one that said, "I'm with Stupid."

62. All right. We're going to cut it short

63. 'cause we've got a great show. We've got Billy Crystal,

64. Catherine O'Hara. Don't flip around.

65. Stay tuned. (cheers, applause)

66. I want to stop the show.

67. That can't be done. What's the problem?

68. Hanks' still breathing, isn't he? I want to stop the show.

69. I was just backstage talking to Jeannie

70. and you know what she says to me? We're talking about our life,

71. and you know what she says? She says, "I don't know what I'm gonna do."

72. She used those exact words? Those exact words.

73. Listen to me carefully. She said, "I don't know

74. "what I'm going to do."

75. Hell of a time to drop that bomb. Isn't it?

76. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I have...

77. I'm not that open and communicative at home.

78. Maybe I have an intimacy—

79. Dr. Ruth is just back from Africa.

80. I'll book her tomorrow night. It's not a sexual problem, Artie.

81. Well, whatever you say, but I don't want you to be upset.

82. Tonight we have Catherine O'Hara and the great Billy Crystal.

83. I know. I like.

84. What the hell are we talking about?

85. I'm gonna go ta— I'm going to talk to her.

86. Larry, we've got 90 seconds.

87. What do you mean you don't know what you're going to do?

88. I was thinking that maybe I would go to Chicago for a while

89. and spend some time with my folks.

90. Well, how long has this been going on?

91. It seems to me that you've been happy.

92. When? You were happy yesterday.

93. I distinctly remember when you were making those toaster waffles

94. you were very happy. You—

95. Don't tell me that I was happy. I was not happy.

96. I haven't been happy for weeks, including yesterday

97. when I made the toaster waffles, which by the way, you like.

98. How long do you think you're going to Chicago? I don't know.

99. Oh, Paula and I just overheard you saying that—

100. Chicago? You're going to Chicago? Yeah.

101. She's thinking of going to Chicago. Yeah.

102. How long are you going for? None of your goddamn business.

103. I'd like to know how long you're going to Chicago.

104. Did you overhear the whole conversation? (laughs) No, Larry.

105. No, I heard nothing. I didn't hear anything.

106. Don't worry, I didn't hear— I just heard one word,

107. the word "Chicago." That's all.

108. Chicago gets my attention

109. because I like that city and it has a very distinctive-sounding name.

110. Chicago. The "Shh-cah-ago."

111. Chicago. No. "Shh-kuh"--

112. Chicago.

113. I did "Second City" in Chicago, too, so I have,

114. you know, fond memories. Uh-huh.

115. Well, I did "Second City" mostly in Toronto, but I also—

116. But Chicago reminds me of Toronto, so— Sure.

117. Oh. Excuse me, I have a tickle in my throat,

118. (shouts) Paula! Look, I can understand how you're frustrated,

119. by the fact that my life

120. just consumes our life.

121. Don't tell me what the problem is.

122. I am telling you what the problem is.

123. Well, then what is it? It's that— It's that...

124. your career overshadows our life together.

125. I thought that's what I just said.

126. 10 seconds to air!

127. Okay, I have— I have to go.

128. Well, so do I. (stammers)

129. I'll be back in eight minutes. Will you just wait here?

130. They get you for eight minutes and I get you for 90 seconds.

131. You know, that's pretty much the problem in a nutshell.

132. Thank you. Welcome back.

133. My...

134. What a good crowd tonight. Beautiful crowd. Beautiful.

135. Isn't this a good crowd? Isn't this a good crowd? Yeah. Excellent.

136. A beautiful crowd. A beautiful crowd. Isn't this a beautiful crowd?

137. The— Let's get right into my first guest, who—

138. And I don't mean that literally.

139. She's a wonderful actress

140. and really a gifted comedienne.

141. She's one of my favorite performers.

142. You know her from "SCTV" and most recently "Home Alone,"

143. and "Home Alone 2," which is coming out momentarily.

144. Please welcome Catherine O'Hara.

145. You look very— What is with your feet?

146. Can you put your feet there? I'm sorry. I thought it rolled out.

147. No, no, do you want to put your feet up there?

148. No. You may.

149. You may put your feet anywhere you want.

150. I'm sorry. No. No, my show is... your footrest.

151. Think of it that way. (laughter)

152. You look very pretty. Thank you.

153. I haven't seen you in a while and you look just— just beautiful.

154. Thank you. Now, I want to talk to you about several things.

155. First of all, "Home Alone 2"... Yes, sir.

156. which is coming out. Yes.

157. And, uh...

158. tell me a little bit about that.

159. Well, we lose him again somehow.

160. You lose the kid, so the parents are still— Yes, we're obviously,

161. yeah, stupid. Are they stupid?

162. They aren't people who learn from their mistakes, I'm sure, yes.

163. We left him at home and he survived,

164. so now we're gonna throw him to New York.

165. (laughter) Basically, we want to kill him,

166. I think, is the idea.

167. Now, is there like— how many "Home Alone's" can you do?

168. You can't lose the kid when he's in his 30s, can you?

169. I— I hope no— Well, I shouldn't say.

170. I hope there are plenty more. Yes, no, hopefully there will be.

171. I think his parents will be put away after this.

172. Stay tuned, we'll be right back.

173. Wonderful, Miss O'Hara.

174. If only every show could start as nicely as this evening's has.

175. Effervescent. Only one word— effervescent.

176. Yeah, but you said it twice there.

177. Listen, she's going to Chicago.

178. Oh, that's tough, kid.

179. You know, if they cross two or more time zones—

180. that's a rule of thumb— probably gone for good.

181. Will you excuse me? I'm going to go talk to my wife,

182. and I'll— I'll be right back.

183. Larry, I just wanna say sorry.

184. I'm sorry I butted in in the middle

185. of whatever was going on with you and Jeannie.

186. Sorry. I'm a big goof. No, you were fine, really.

187. Really. Don't even think twice about it.

188. You handled it very nicely, really.

189. I hope it's not too serious.

190. Oh. Sorry.

191. It's not— It's hard to balance

192. your career with your relationship.

193. It's very, very hard. Yeah.

194. I think Bo and I are lucky that we're at least in the same business.

195. Bo? My husband.

196. The guy I keep having to introduce you to?

197. Right. The last time you met him for the first time

198. was at Chevy Chase's Party. That's right.

199. Do you get along with him?

200. Bo? No, Chevy.

201. No. I don't know why. Neither do I. I don't feel comfortable.

202. Yeah. Comfortable.

203. That's why I married Bo.

204. Can you picture him hosting a talkshow?

205. Bo? No, Chevy.

206. No. That's weird.

207. Larry, don't worry. I'm sure everything's gonna be fine.

208. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a great career and a great homelife,

209. and I bet you're balancing them perfectly. No, I'm fucked.

210. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm gonna go talk to her.

211. Okay. I'll stay here. Okay? All right.

212. Okay, you stay there.

213. Unless you want me to— No.

214. You don't want me to.

215. I enjoyed "Home Alone." Oh.

216. Fine work. Thank you. Thanks, Hank.

217. Look, I want to apologize for my buddy.

218. I don't know if you felt it,

219. but he was rocky during the interview,

220. as anyone would be, given what he's going through.

221. Yeah. You're right, yeah.

222. What is he going through?

223. Okay. Everything's fine. She was in the bathroom

224. I couldn't talk to her.

225. Back in five! This show is a torturous, miserable hell.

226. Welcome back.

227. We're back with Catherine O'Hara. Look, Jeannie.

228. I know Larry loves you.

229. It's just that this has been a tough month for him.

230. There's no need to protect him. This month is normal.

231. Jeannie, look at the bright side.

232. You have a beautiful home, you have great cars,

233. you never have to worry about paying bills.

234. Sure, he ignores you, but nothing in life is free.

235. Look, you guys really don't have to try and make me feel better.

236. In fact, I'd prefer if you don't.

237. Listen, being married to a celebrity is very difficult.

238. Okay? I've got a friend who's married to Jerry Van Dyke.

239. All he cares about is winning awards.

240. One time they were doing it,

241. he slipped up and called her "Emmy."

242. I mean, come on. You know? Good point.

243. Jeannie, Larry's won three Emmy awards

244. and a People's Choice award.

245. I mean, you are not gonna find many guys who have done that.

246. Is there a key for this office?

247. Look, you have to understand, Jeannie,

248. he's been under a lot of pressure.

249. Every time you turn the channel, he's got a new competitor.

250. You know what? Fuck that.

251. Every day, all day, all we do is get this for Larry,

252. do that for Larry. It's ridiculous.

253. Well, that's the way it should be.

254. He's the star of the show, Paula.

255. No duh, Beverly. It's just made him an overly-coddled individual,

256. hence her problem. Yeah, well, I'm sure he's not that way at home.

257. Is he? (sobbing)

258. He must be.

259. Anyway, it must be wonderful to be married to a man like Larry.

260. What's... going on?

261. Nice going, Darlene. Bitches.

262. Oh god. Did these women make you cry?

263. What are you— Why are you listening to them?

264. They're just women— just making you—

265. They're projecting their own neurosis on you

266. They're all sick. They're all just—

267. You don't think they wish they were you?

268. (scoffs) You don't think that?

269. They're just— Darlene, by the way, is dating—

270. You know who? You know who? David Copperfield.

271. She can't find anything.

272. Oh god. And Paula,

273. Paula just dates musicians. That's all she dates.

274. Six weeks is her longest relationship,

275. except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo.

276. I think that was eight weeks.

277. And Beverly, she's seeing a man who won't...

278. leave his wife. Okay, there, I said it. It's supposed to be a secret.

279. Do you know that I sleep all day?

280. What? For the last two weeks...

281. all day, every day.

282. I'm asleep.

283. Jeannie, what a delight. Forgive me.

284. Mr. Sanders, we are back from commercial in 35 seconds,

285. and I'd like to suggest that you use this time

286. to prepare for Billy Crystal,

287. who's a very funny man

288. if he's given the proper questions

289. that set him up for the material he's prepared.

290. Go ahead.

291. 15 seconds.

292. 10 and counting.

293. Hit it! (chuckles)

294. Uhh... if I may.

295. Jeannie, I don't really know you that well,

296. but I've known Larry a long time.

297. Larry's a good man, but he is a performer.

298. And you should try to think of a performer

299. as a small, helpless child.

300. No, Artie, I— You know, I have sex with him.

301. I'm so sorry. Artie.

302. Oh, not now, Hank. Please. I—

303. Red alert.

304. Oh, forgive me, Jeannie.

305. Beverly, escort Jeannie backstage, please.

306. Jeannie, I've got some fine chocolate truffles from Luxembourg

307. right on the monitor. See you in a mo'.

308. I hope for your sake you're not crying, "Wolf."

309. You probably haven't noticed it,

310. but Larry is really bothered about something.

311. or the fact that the crew is talking backstage during his interviews.

312. He's fighting with his wife. About the lighting?

313. No, about their lives.

314. My next guest is a talented writer, actor and director.

315. His new movie, "Mr. Saturday Night"

316. comes out this week, and he's a good friend.

317. Please welcome Billy Crystal. Billy Crystal. (cheers, applause)

318. I've never had to stay up that long during an intro

319. on any guest. On any guest.

320. On any intro of anything. How are you?

321. I must say— I am... fine.

322. Good. I'm fine. I'm thrilled that you're here again.

323. Thank you for coming by. Nice to be here.

324. And you look great. You've got...

325. a little— This?

326. Yeah, that is a— is that a— It's for a new movie.

327. That would be the— No, this is for a different— This is for the...

328. life story of Pavarotti, and I'm playing— (laughter)

329. No, no, I play him as an infant, so...

330. And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose?

331. He was about 185... Yeah. Yeah.

332. So I'm gonna be beefing up.

333. Do you work out at all? Like the De Niro thing.

334. What do you mean, do I work out? I take that as an insult.

335. No, no, no, no, we've known each other for a long time.

336. I think I look very athletic. Your face is a little full.

337. No, we were just talking backstage— My face is not full.

338. I'm looking in a monitor right now, and that's—

339. Well, that's— that's distorted.

340. There's no... (laughter)

341. How's Jack "Pah-lance"?

342. You've talked about Jack Palance—

343. Is it Palance? Last time I saw him, he was swimming

344. the Atlantic, I think.

345. He's an amazing— He's an amazing guy, Jack.

346. I haven't seen him, actually, since the Oscars.

347. Okay, well, let me ask you— Now, I'll tell you what I miss.

348. One other thing is... Fernando.

349. Really?

350. (applause) See, these people would love to hear it.

351. I haven't...

352. I haven't— I haven't—

353. Catherine, don't— Catherine, don't you—

354. But don't you miss it? Here, let me get you some water.

355. I haven't done that in about six—

356. Oh boy, longer— about eight years.

357. Everyone else was doing it more than I was.

358. We have to take— We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

359. Okay. And then I shall— Artie— And then we'll come back

360. and we'll do it, maybe when we come back. Okay. Okay.

361. Okay. Stay tuned, we have more with Billy Crystal. Get a new table.

362. Get a new table. And a new table.

363. Don't go away.

364. Clear!

365. That was very funny stuff. Very funny stuff. What are you doing?

366. It was all right, but you're asking all of this old stuff.

367. "You Look Marvelous" you're asking me to do?

368. What, did I ask you to do the "You Look Marvelous"? Yeah, and Jack Palance—

369. that was last year. I didn't even realize I asked you the Jack Palance—

370. Yeah. I wanna talk about the movie. I mean the movie's—

371. you know, it's— What, the movie?

372. You have such a great career. Jesus Christ.

373. You're a big fucking star. Would you stop it?

374. I have a movie— You do one fucking movie after another.

375. All right, take it easy. I just want to get to the movie and—

376. What's the matter with you? I don't know.

377. I just like— I like the Jack Palance stuff.

378. Yeah, it's great, but it's old stuff.

379. I was frightened you were gonna ask me to do Sammy Davis Jr.

380. Where is your head tonight? I don't know.

381. You know what? I'm having a big argument with my wife.

382. She's backstage— See that?

383. You're making a big mistake. What?

384. You can't let your personal life bleed into the show.

385. You know? I have a lot on my mind,

386. but I'm trying to do my job. You don't think I have a lot on my—

387. I wrote this thing, I directed it.

388. I've got a lot on the line. Jesus, you're doing great.

389. Yeah. I'm doing great, yeah, but I haven't seen Janice in a long time.

390. Jenny's leaving for England. I haven't even been able to spend any time with her.

391. I've got this manager who thinks he's a comedy writer

392. who puts his name on every fucking thing that I do.

393. Oh jeez, that's awful.

394. Steinberg? Steinberg? You don't think it's been hard for me?

395. I was bumped form the first "Saturday Night Live,"

396. I went home, I rode on a train—

397. Don't tell me this story again.

398. I'm so tired of hearing this story.

399. But it keeps coming back. I beg of you. I beg of you,

400. don't put me through this again. All right.

401. Would you do mer a favor? I just wanna really plug the movie,

402. so go and talk to Jeannie. I'm sorry.

403. Get your head together, okay? Okay, I'll go talk to her.

404. So we can be good for next— Excellent. Okay.

405. I'll talk to her, we'll come back, we'll talk about the movie.

406. God, you're doing so fucking great. Would you stop?

407. Go talk to her. I've got a lot on my mind.

408. Very funny stuff.

409. And all from the mind of Billy Crystal.

410. Magnifico, hombre.

411. Hey, the show is going great.

412. Oh, it's going great. My life is falling apart.

413. I'm glad there are these TV cameras here to cover it.

414. This is like the Hindenburg. How much longer

415. before you start shouting, "Oh, the humanity"?

416. I'm just telling you it's going great.

417. There's an electricity in the air.

418. What you're going through is not altogether bad for the show.

419. Well, why don't I have an argument with my wife every night?

420. Well, maybe. That's up to you.

421. But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here!

422. What did Jeannie say? Larry, I tried to stop her. I think she's leaving.

423. No, lad! There's only seven minutes left in the show!

424. Condition red, condition red. Oh, what is it, Hank?

425. Well, this is not an alert.

426. We have two guests who are very concerned

427. about the awkward energy on the show tonight.

428. Fuck 'em. Hmm.

429. What he means is "Schmooze 'em."

430. Jeannie. Jeannie. Jeannie!

431. What? We'll go— let's go somewhere.

432. That's all that we need to do. Let's go to... Maui—

433. Maha— Mahana Maui Ranch in—

434. Beverly? This is great. Yes?

435. Yes? This'll take care of everything.

436. Would you book us for two weeks at the Mahana Maui Ranch?

437. Starting when? Starting now.

438. This coming week? This— fine.

439. But this coming week is sweeps, Larry.

440. We have Schwarzenegger. Yeah.

441. We have Roseanne without the husband.

442. We also have Julia Roberts.

443. We have Cher, Aerosmith,

444. the US Olympic basketball stars.

445. Did we get the basketball— Oh god!

446. Okay, no, just book it. Book it.

447. Two weeks in Maui isn't gonna solve anything!

448. It will— Hey, Bubba!

449. We're back on the air in 15 seconds!

450. I can't believe this. You guys are pathetic.

451. This is so unprofessional.

452. You wouldn't catch black folks doing this.

453. Doing what? The man takes charge,

454. and the woman gets what she wants without making a fuss.

455. Larry, go on. You go finish the show.

456. Jeannie, we only have seven minutes left.

457. You will watch the show on the monitor.

458. Go on! Go!

459. Okay, but that's exactly how I would've handled it.

460. Go.

461. Has Larry been drinking again? Oh, no, no, no. No. No. No. No.

462. No. No. Back in five!

463. Okay, we're back...

464. with Billy Crystal.

465. Welcome back.

466. And gee, tell me all about your movie, "Mr. Saturday Night."

467. It just sounds like a sensational, hilarious movie.

468. It's the story of Buddy Young Jr.,

469. who's a... Uh-huh.

470. Borscht Belt Las Vegas comedian character

471. that I created in 1982. Mm-hmm.

472. And I always felt like this guy had a life to him, and so—

473. Of any of the characters that I've done,

474. he was the most interesting.

475. He's one of those guys with a rhythm.

476. You know, one of those— They're like machines.

477. I come home, I find my wife in bed with my best friend.

478. So, I said, "Lenny, I have to, but you?"

479. (laughter) So, I—

480. Where's my drummer? See? I need you.

481. You see, he's one of those kinds of guys.

482. I play him from the age of 31 to 73,

483. and it's really the life story—

484. It's sort of like a "Raging Jew."

485. Uh-huh. (laughs) It's very much his relationship—

486. Four, five six— with his brother.

487. And it's his relationship with his brother... Yeah?

488. over the course of comedy as we, you and I, know it from the late '40s

489. to present day. It's a great idea. Good luck.

490. Good luck. I can't wait to see it. Thanks. Thanks.

491. (applause) Yeah, so, we can look at it.

492. Just— We have a clip.

493. The makeup is so remarkable in the sections

494. of the movie when I play him as an old man,

495. so this is a segment of Buddy Young Jr. performing at Miami Beach

496. in a condo rec room.

497. So, he's— he's on stage,

498. doing what he does in front of these senior citizens. Wow.

499. So— Sounds like a funny clip.

500. So, let's show the clip right now.

501. We— We lost the clip.

502. Do you— Have you met my wife? (laughter)

503. I was at your wedding. That's right.

504. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Can I—

505. She's standing over there. Honey, come and say hi to Billy.

506. Hi, Jeannie. How are you doing? Jeannie. This is Mrs. Sanders.

507. Give her a warm welcome.

508. Good to see you. Good to see you.

509. So good to see you.

510. This is nice, seeing you. Oh my god.

511. I wanted you to come on and say hi to everybody.

512. Hi. Hi, Mom. How's Chicago?

513. Well, that saved us a phone call.

514. So, this is the first time you've been on the show.

515. Yes, it is. And you look beautiful tonight,

516. may I say? Well, thank you.

517. And this is, really, an opportunity for us to talk.

518. (laughter) Yes. Yes, it is.

519. So, what have you been up to?

520. Well, I— I've been up to a lot of things.

521. Mm-hmm. Well, listen. A lot of different things.

522. That is great. I want to know them all,

523. but we're not gonna have time tonight.

524. Why don't you come back next week

525. and we'll talk... more? Oh, well—

526. Well, honey, next week is sweeps week.

527. Yeah? I don't wanna—

528. I don't wanna bump any big guests. Well, wait a minute.

529. Wait a minute. Just let me check that out.

530. Kim Basinger. Goodbye.

531. (laughter) Hello, Jeannie Sanders.

532. Tuesday night, Kim Basinger. Oh, that's very sweet.

533. Well, I'm sure our ratings will soar.

534. So, that's good. Kim Basinger can do maintenance that day.

535. Okay. Tuesday. Are you in?

536. I'm in. Okay, good.

537. All right. Everything's coming together. (applause)

538. Next week, see you all.

539. Chris Isaak, and of course, Jeannie Sanders.

540. Good night. See you all then.

541. Clear!

542. You were so good. (laughs) Delightful! Delightful!

543. This is the best show we've ever done!