The Larry Sanders Show 1x8

1. Now that sign says "applesauce."

2. No, no, no, no.

3. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

5. All right.

6. Now remember,

7. you're all a big part of the show,

8. so the better you are, the better Larry is.

9. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

10. He's giving me this sign and it says,

11. "We're on in 10 seconds,

12. so get ready to have a good time."

13. Now here we go.

14. In five,

15. four, three, two...

16. Live, on tape from Hollywood,

17. "The Larry Sanders Show."

18. Tonight, join Larry and his guests

19. Treat Williams, Helen Gurley Brown

20. and Paula Poundstone,

21. and me— hey now— Hank Kingsley!

22. And now, because he's so pumped up with adrenaline

23. it would be a shame to waste it,

24. Larry Sanders!

25. Thank you.

26. Thank you very much.

27. Thank you. Please.

28. Thank you very much.

29. Hank.

30. Well, two big events coming up,

31. two huge political events.

32. November 3rd, of course, is the election.

33. November 4th

34. is the day Jerry Brown may drop out.

35. Perot dropped out, of course,

36. because they wouldn't put a Supercuts in the White House.

37. Are these jokes to you, Hank?

38. How's the monologue going? Not bad, Jerry,

39. considering everything you wrote is dying.

40. What about my favorite joke?

41. You mean your only joke? Yeah.

42. It's dying.

43. It was a fine show, not a best-of,

44. but a fine, fine show.

45. The monologue was awful.

46. Piece of shit. But you're hilarious when you're bombing.

47. Well, I've been getting a lot of practice lately.

48. What— what the hell is wrong with Jerry?

49. He's a great head writer,

50. but everybody goes through a slump from time to time—

51. everybody but you, of course. Oh, shut up.

52. Great show, Mr. Sanders. Oh, thank you, man.

53. Kyle, thanks.

54. Kyle. Thank you again, Kyle.

55. Who the hell is that? Kyle.

56. I assume, but who the hell is he?

57. Kyle?

58. He's been our associate director for three months.

59. Three months? We should find out

60. if he has any head-writing experience. I'll check.

61. Have a good evening, gentlemen.

62. Come on, we're gonna be late.

63. What's with those two? Peas in a pod.

64. Lesbians?

65. No, they're friends, close friends.

66. Since when?

67. Ever since they were in that car accident four years ago.

68. One of them can't get through a metal detector.

69. Which one? Which one do you think?

70. How would I know which one? I don't even know who Kyle is.

71. Oh, Larry, don't worry about Kyle,

72. or who's full of metal and who isn't.

73. Just concern yourself with the weightier issues.

74. Suzanne Somers tomorrow—

75. do you want her to bring the ThighMaster?

76. My point is, I'm completely out of touch with everything.

77. I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't want to be

78. one of those guys who ends up isolated in some ivory tower.

79. What are all these? Uh, bills.

80. Can I help? No.

81. Well, what is this one here?

82. Uh, $1500 to Aeromexico.

83. Oh, really? Are we going to Mexico?

84. No.

85. Our cleaning lady's mother died,

86. and so I lent her the money

87. to send the body back to Honduras.

88. Couldn't get a Super Saver?

89. What is this one?

90. That's for a new garbage disposal.

91. Did we have trouble with the old garbage disposal?

92. Yes. Was it just clogging up?

93. When you put the food down, it wouldn't grind?

94. Jee, I'd really like to know

95. about this stuff, get a little more involved.

96. Honey, why don't you try out the new chair?

97. Is this a new— is this a new chair?

98. Yes.

99. I did not know that.

100. Honey, your show's on. Why don't you turn on the TV?

101. Yeah, I'm waiting for the monologue to be done with.

102. I can't watch it again for the second time—

103. too much pain.

104. My head writer's not doing his job.

105. Well, what's Jerry's problem?

106. I don't know, he's probably going through

107. some emotional crisis or something.

108. I'm the head writer. Tell me again.

109. I'm the head writer.

110. Tell me again.

111. I'm the head writer.

112. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

113. This is very cold. I know, I'm sorry.

114. This can't possibly be number seven for 45 seconds.

115. I know, Larry, but I got distracted for a moment.

116. By what?

117. Oh, forget it. It's not important.

118. No, Beverly, Beverly, I really want to know.

119. What could be more important than my burrito?

120. You're my boss, right? Yes.

121. So, technically, I have no choice but to tell you.

122. You mean, "legally." Yeah.

123. Larry,

124. I just saw Jerry and Sally

125. having sex.

126. Who's Sally?

127. The new runner.

128. Right here in this building, on your set,

129. right in the back of your desk.

130. Jesus Christ.

131. Was my mug out there?

132. 'Cause in this day and age, you can't—

133. You know what? They've been doing this for two weeks now.

134. Why didn't I know about this?

135. Well, it's office gossip. You're above that sort of stuff.

136. I am not above that sort of stuff. I am right at that level,

137. if you want to know the truth. Tell me everything.

138. How graphic do you want it?

139. Use your judgment. Just steer clear of the phrase "Jerry's penis"

140. when I'm biting into this cold burrito.

141. Hey, boss, you got a minute?

142. Yeah, come on in.

143. Then you come right back.

144. Okay, I'll go rinse out your mug, get you some fresh coffee.

145. Thank you. Right back. Okay.

146. What is it, Phil? I just wanted to drop off these jokes.

147. Hope I'm not going over anybody's head on this,

148. but I wanted you to get these on time.

149. Okay, thanks. Good.

150. This shows initiative, Phil. Good job.

151. Well, uh, I kind of had to,

152. because my supervisor, if you will,

153. wasn't around. So I did these

154. without any of his input.

155. It's just something I felt that I had to do on my own.

156. Right, right. I understand. Thanks.

157. Okay.

158. You know I'm talking about Jerry, right?

159. He's really fucking up.

160. Now all I'm asking for

161. is a little floor monitor right to the side here

162. so that I could maybe better follow

163. all the action on the show.

164. But you're on the show.

165. I know. It's just,

166. well, sometimes, you know, I still—

167. I have trouble following.

168. Well, we'll just give you a hot dog and a beer

169. and you can sit there and watch it on a little TV

170. like those guys do at a ballgame.

171. No, no, I don't— I don't want to eat anything.

172. Now look,

173. last week Charlton Heston leaned forward

174. and I couldn't see Larry's eyes.

175. No? No.

176. His eyes— they're my guidepost.

177. I can't see his eyes— I can't tell if he needs me.

178. All I could see was Mr. Heston's rug

179. and a little bit of the back of Larry's jacket.

180. That— that's a tragedy.

181. Well, you didn't appear hampered.

182. You did a wonderful job— one of your better efforts, in fact.

183. Well, thank you.

184. You know what they say— in the face of adversity.

185. Artie, can I talk to you a second? Yeah.

186. Hey, Artie...

187. Yeah. What's he want? A dog?

188. So what's up?

189. It's about Jerry and Sally.

190. Fucking, I know.

191. I knew you knew. But do you know where?

192. Behind your desk. That's new carpeting.

193. That little prick— I'm gonna talk to him.

194. Listen, I want to talk to him, Artie. I've been thinking,

195. I'm not involved on a day-to-day basis enough

196. with the stuff in the show.

197. Larry, most of the people in the office are only there

198. to keep that day-to-day bullshit out of your hair.

199. You're not gonna enjoy this. For me, it's a perk.

200. Kicking ass in the morning is better than cappuccino.

201. I know, and I appreciate that, Artie,

202. but I want to be connected.

203. I want to be part of the loop.

204. It's taken us eight years to totally disconnect you,

205. the way you always wanted to be.

206. So keep this in mind— if I connect you,

207. you will be connected.

208. Fine, then connect me.

209. Fine, connected you will be. Good.

210. Hey, Artie. Yeah?

211. Do you ever notice that we get caught up

212. in a certain kind of thought process? Thought process?

213. Yeah, thought process. What thought process?

214. Like the thought process we're involved in right now.

215. I think we should try and catch it, put a stop to it.

216. Fine, then stop it we shall do. Good.

217. I don't know what's wrong with me, man.

218. I'm really beat.

219. Listen, why don't you just lay down, take a little nap?

220. Yeah, what the heck?

221. Wow, I can feel the magic in here.

222. Can I talk to Jerry alone for a minute?

223. Oh, yeah, sure. Come on, guys, let's get out of here.

224. How's it going, Jerr?

225. Fine.

226. You know, you're not fooling anybody.

227. I mean, I know what's going on between you and Sally.

228. Who told you? What do you mean, who told me?

229. You were humping behind my desk. We're all talking about it.

230. Jeez, pretty inappropriate behavior, don't you think?

231. Yeah.

232. Look, you have a big future ahead of you.

233. Don't risk it over some woman that you don't really—

234. Here are your pens, Jerry.

235. I'm going to the kitchen.

236. You want some soup?

237. Yeah, chicken noodle is good.

238. Mr. Sanders, would you like some chicken noodle soup?

239. Sure, that sounds good. Thank you.

240. Okay.

241. Sally?

242. Sally.

243. She's cute.

244. Way to go.

245. I've been around. I once had a relationship

246. with a girl when I was working as a writer

247. on "Norm Crosby's Comedy Shop." Yeah?

248. I was having a thing with one of the secretaries.

249. What happened? Huh?

250. What happened?

251. Norm pulled me aside, he says,

252. "Hey, I heard you're having one of those inter-orifice relationships

253. with one of the girls in the sterno pool."

254. So what did you— did he fire you?

255. I quit.

256. I can't write that malaprop shit.

257. What happened?

258. I said, "This job is a pain in the bass,"

259. and I got out of there.

260. All right, so I can write it. Yeah.

261. Anyway, get it together, come on. I will.

262. All right? Yeah, thanks.

263. Psst! Oh, jeez.

264. How did the talk go? Fine.

265. It's not too late to take you out of the loop.

266. I said it went fine.

267. You enjoy being connected?

268. Interesting.

269. Yes.

270. Jeez.

271. And the newsletter's just about ready to go out.

272. All I need now is the "Hank's Thoughts" column.

273. Okay. Oh, right.

274. Right. Want some?

275. No, thank you.

276. Thoughts, thoughts.

277. It's October.

278. And we all know what that means.

279. If Princess Di were here,

280. I'd tell her, "Hang in there."

281. I'd kill for a Dreamsicle right now.

282. Maybe it's me,

283. but I think Sharon Gless

284. should be on TV every night.

285. If I had my druthers,

286. there would be no more world hunger.

287. What do you think?

288. A couple more. Okay.

289. I sure do miss The Cowsills.

290. That mini-skirted mom sure was sexy.

291. Jesus,

292. I think that's Jerry and Sally

293. fucking in the parking lot.

294. Wow, I am telling you,

295. nothing beats that missionary position.

296. I think I have enough, Hank.

297. Yeah, hurry up and put it in the computer

298. and get it out to the fans.

299. I might just do a little editing.

300. No, no, no,

301. we never edit "Hank's Thoughts."

302. Fine.

303. Hey, Hank.

304. Come here. Listen—

305. Come here. Come here.

306. Don't make me look at your car again.

307. Look, look, look. What?

308. That.

309. Jesus, I just talked to him.

310. Yeah, get a load of that.

311. God, that little rat bastard,

312. I thought you had a talk with him.

313. I did. Hell of a lot of good it did.

314. If he bangs her any harder, the airbags are going to inflate.

315. Hey now.

316. Hey, you little shit! Enjoy yourself,

317. 'cause you're going to be fired!

318. Look, it didn't even faze him.

319. Mr. Connected, are you going to do the firing?

320. You bet.

321. Wow.

322. I thought I had a hairy ass.

323. Not that I haven't done it

324. in a car in a parking lot,

325. but Jesus Christ.

326. I can't help it.

327. My old girlfriend dumped me and I felt like shit.

328. Suddenly this girl comes around and says

329. I remind her of her teddy bear.

330. What am I supposed to do? You saw her.

331. Larry, the last thing in the world I want to do

332. is let you down.

333. Anything that you do to me, I deserve it.

334. I'm worthless as a writer and as a man.

335. I need help.

336. I'm addicted and I need a program.

337. Hey, excuse me, Larry. Phil.

338. Here's some extra stuff for tonight's monologue.

339. Great. Hey, Jerr.

340. What's the matter? You got a cold?

341. Anyway, there are some generics

342. and a couple of political things.

343. In fact, I think I've cracked that Ross Perot sketch.

344. Great, thank you, Phil. We'll talk about that later.

345. Okay, take care of yourself, buddy.

346. Kiss-ass.

347. Excuse me, were you talking to me or were you talking to yourself?

348. I was actually talking to you.

349. The only reason you're able to write so much

350. is 'cause you never get laid. Oh, please.

351. Yeah, well, at least I'm not porking the runners.

352. Come on, hey, hey, there's breakable stuff in here—

353. plaques, so forth. Thank you.

354. Okay, okay, okay.

355. Please. I'm going.

356. Hope you like the jokes.

357. Chynna Phillips wants to do the show by herself.

358. Fine, book her. What else?

359. Sean Young.

360. Got it.

361. What else?

362. Um, my boyfriend.

363. Is he on the show?

364. No, no, it's just that— What?

365. You know how you said now we could discuss

366. things with you other than business?

367. Yeah, absolutely.

368. Forget it. It's stupid. Come on.

369. It's— no. I'm— forget it.

370. I'm— okay, 'cause here I am.

371. Thank you. I know.

372. Thanks.

373. All the stress is dissolving.

374. Picture yourself, uh,

375. by a lake in Connecticut.

376. And the only sounds you hear

377. are that of birds and lapping water.

378. Larry. Paula?

379. What's on your mind?

380. Oh, god, what isn't on my mind?

381. Do you mind if I just start at the beginning

382. and then we'll just work from there?

383. This is so wrong.

384. If he catches us, he's gonna kill us.

385. He's gonna fire me.

386. Are you really the head writer?

387. You know I am.

388. We can't do this. I gotta be strong.

389. I'm gonna go watch the show. Okay.

390. Come on.

391. I'm not quite sure whether I really like him

392. or I'm just using him to, like, give me the attention that I need

393. because I felt so lonely after Radu and all that bullshit.

394. Or if I just—? Paula, you know,

395. I have a show to do, okay?

396. But here's a little advice.

397. What I would do is—

398. sounds to me like Eddie—

399. with Eddie, you get a lot of boyfriends at once,

400. so I would stay with him, okay?

401. Number two— I'd buy the car.

402. I think it's over your price range,

403. but you'll feel good about yourself.

404. Number three— put your mother in a nursing home.

405. Don't even give it a second thought.

406. Now you don't do many talk shows. Why is that?

407. Well, because,

408. well, on a movie you've got—

409. you've got a couple of months

410. to work on an idea that you're gonna express.

411. But here on a talk show,

412. you've got to get that same idea across

413. in three and a half minutes and in three and a half minutes—

414. I'm sorry, Peter. We have to take a commercial break.

415. Can you hold that thought? Good.

416. Okay, we'll be right back with Peter Falk.

417. Clear.

418. Don't ask me back on this fucking show again.

419. What's that?

420. I said, don't ask me back

421. on this fucking show again.

422. This was delightful, just delightful.

423. I know this guy— your producer. He's bad news.

424. Yeah?

425. Yeah. Delightful? Delightful my ass.

426. Larry, I'm sorry you had to have this son of a bitch on the show.

427. All right, you want to go? You want to go right now?

428. Let's go right here, right now!

429. You guys. I love this son of a bitch.

430. You guys are something.

431. Hey, look at this guy.

432. What's going on up there?

433. Up where?

434. There, on the stairwell.

435. That's our head writer

436. making out with his girlfriend.

437. Sorry you had to see this, Peter.

438. Yeah, what you must think of us.

439. Well, it's nothing I haven't seen before,

440. but not in a room full of 250 people.

441. Back in five.

442. I want to see those two in my office after the show.

443. We're back with Peter Falk.

444. Now this kidnapping episode you did on "Columbo"--

445. now that was a departure for you, wasn't it?

446. Uh, yeah.

447. Uh, I'm sorry, what was the question?

448. The kidnapping episode on "Columbo"

449. that you did— that was—

450. I'm in the middle of a Peter Falk interview

451. and we have to look up and see you doing that?

452. What are you thinking?

453. Sally and I are very much in love.

454. Oh, jeez. No, no, no, no.

455. And we are spontaneous people.

456. Hold on, hold on. How often in life do you find someone that—?

457. Mr. Sanders, can I say something? Please.

458. I've accepted a position on "Saturday Night Live" as a talent coordinator.

459. What? I'll be leaving for New York on Tuesday.

460. When were you planning on telling me?

461. I don't know. I didn't know when to tell you.

462. Well, this is a good time. I don't think you ever were gonna tell me.

463. I was gonna tell you, Jerry. Oh, really?

464. Yes, I was. Were you really gonna tell me?

465. All right, any time is a good time

466. for open and honest communication. This is a good start.

467. I can't believe this. I— I—

468. I put every— Would you—?

469. Hold on a second. I put everything on the line for you.

470. Jerry, wait a second. What did you think this was?

471. We had a great time,

472. but this is another great opportunity for me.

473. In New York! Okay, good.

474. You'll have a little time to get away from each other,

475. test the relationship. And this is very positive.

476. Yes. Besides that, this gives me a chance

477. to be with my boyfriend again.

478. You have a boyfriend?

479. Yes, I do. He's a writer on the Letterman show.

480. That is wrong on so many levels.

481. Now I don't know where to start.

482. Hey, Larry, you got a minute

483. for a couple sketch ideas? Phil, not now, please.

484. They may be kind of rough. I'm sort of pitching in the dark

485. 'cause I haven't had much direction. Oh, you son of a—

486. What? What? Son of a what? Son of a bitch!

487. Yeah? What are you doing here?

488. Taking a little nooky break? Oh, thank you.

489. You've been riding my ass all week. Hello, a meeting?

490. Are you kidding me? I've been saving your ass.

491. Saving my ass? My ass? I have a meeting.

492. Jesus, why don't you go get a job on "The Byron Allen Show"?

493. Bump it down three points.

494. Keep going.

495. Okay, that's it. Take five.

496. Excuse me, sorry. Artie, you gotta disconnect me.

497. You couldn't fire Johnny Big Balls, could you?

498. No, it's a lot more than that, Artie.

499. Listen, these people— they're like leeches.

500. I'm telling you, they sense a life force

501. and they just suck the energy out of you, Artie.

502. I can't go through this kind of thing.

503. You gotta help me, get me out of this. I warned you, didn't I?

504. It's harder to disconnect than it is to connect.

505. I just want out of the loop.

506. This is a bad, evil loop, Artie.

507. Get me out, please.

508. I'm begging you. Well...

509. Oh, Artie, don't. Don't do this.

510. What about the girl? The girl took care of herself.

511. You're not gonna believe this. She got a job over at—

512. "Saturday Night Live," talent coordinator.

513. Lorne Michaels and I go way back

514. to when he was trying to get his green card. We're like that.

515. Son of a bitch.

516. Thank you, Artie.

517. It's all right.

518. Listen, I told Paula

519. not to put her mother in a nursing home.

520. Well, see, that's where you and I really disagree now, okay?

521. She's 53, fit as a fiddle.

522. I did not know that.

523. Guys, excuse me. Have you seen Darlene?

524. What's the matter? Nothing.

525. There's just a little newsletter mix-up.

526. I saw Darlene. She was FedExing a whole stack of these things.

527. Shi-i-i-it.