1. George Foreman: Thanks, Larry.Copy !req
2. Good for you, George.Copy !req
3. Good for you.Copy !req
4. And never forget.Copy !req
5. When you— when you wear out
your left and your right,Copy !req
6. you can always belly bump 'em.Copy !req
7. So, I'm gonna belly bump 'em
into the next century.Copy !req
8. Now, George, I would like to
really see you, in the ringCopy !req
9. one time, hit someone
with your stomach.Copy !req
10. Come on.
I do all the time.Copy !req
11. No, um, when they—
when they're in closer.
That's what—Copy !req
12. Do you ever really run at—
Yeah, they— they rush meCopy !req
13. and that's why
they're afraid of me.
They won't charge me.Copy !req
14. They know I'll bump 'em.Copy !req
15. Worst thing that you can do
is box a left-hander.Copy !req
16. Why is that?
'Cause they're
put on backwardsCopy !req
17. as it is in the ring.Copy !req
18. And they seem to
just hit you,Copy !req
19. when you just have
your defense up,Copy !req
20. they go and hit you
in the wrong spots.Copy !req
21. Now—
And you charge them
and you miss.Copy !req
22. It's humiliating.Copy !req
23. Uh, well, I mean,
what if you were toCopy !req
24. box— practice boxing
in a mirror?Copy !req
25. Would that prepare
you properly?Copy !req
26. That's a great idea.Copy !req
27. I wasn't born—
I never thought about that.Copy !req
28. I wasn't born yesterday.Copy !req
29. Who are you fighting next?Copy !req
30. Uh...Copy !req
31. I think I'm gonna take
this guy here.Copy !req
32. I heard he's gonna...
Hank?Copy !req
33. Hey now.
Hank is getting ready
to drop his contract,Copy !req
34. so I may as well get him.Copy !req
35. Well, wait a minute,
first of all,Copy !req
36. let me say for the fifth time
this week that HankCopy !req
37. is not leaving the network.Copy !req
38. He is in
contract negotiations.Copy !req
39. He is not leaving the show.Copy !req
40. He's in contr—Copy !req
41. He is in negotiations
with the network,Copy !req
42. and I'm sure that
they will, uh,Copy !req
43. work something out.Copy !req
44. Yes, well, we— we hope
they'll work something out,Copy !req
45. but, uh, um, George,
uh, you'll agree with me,Copy !req
46. I don't think I should
cave in, right?Copy !req
47. No, not at all.
Belly bump 'em.Copy !req
48. Do something.Copy !req
49. Boy, oh, boy.
What?Copy !req
50. Chef Paul's gumbo
was incredibly strong.Copy !req
51. Oh, yeah? Hi, Shel.
Oh, there's...Copy !req
52. steam coming out
of my ass, Artie.Copy !req
53. I swear to god,
every time we haveCopy !req
54. a chef on,
does he have to
make something?Copy !req
55. Well, you can sit
and talk to them.Copy !req
56. Do you think
that'd be less painful?Copy !req
57. I—
Nice show, boys! Nice show!Copy !req
58. Shel, didn't see you there.
Hey, Shel.Copy !req
59. How are ya? How are ya?
Hank still trying to
steal you guys blind?Copy !req
60. Well, at the moment,
the latest demandCopy !req
61. is a golf cart to drive
around the studio.Copy !req
62. Oh, poor, deluded bastard.Copy !req
63. Shel, I don't want to
hear any more about
these negotiations.Copy !req
64. Just resolve it,
will you please?Copy !req
65. Well, I wish I could tell you
that it was resolved,Copy !req
66. but Hank's being
a little rough this time.Copy !req
67. Says he's, uh, ready
to leave the show.Copy !req
68. Says he's got other offers.Copy !req
69. You know—Copy !req
70. 'Cause basically that's
exactly what you two guys doCopy !req
71. when you're renegotiating
your contract.Copy !req
72. Now wait a minute,
I had an offer last year.Copy !req
73. Oh, take it easy.Copy !req
74. Well, no, no, no,
I had that offer.Copy !req
75. I could've gone on
after "Nightline."Copy !req
76. Shel believes you.
I— I don't know
if he does, Artie.Copy !req
77. Of course he does. Shel?
Absolutely.Copy !req
78. All right.
But listen, I'm trying to
make Hank a happy man,Copy !req
79. but there's a financial line
we cannot cross.Copy !req
80. Oh, shit.Copy !req
81. Larry.Copy !req
82. Oh, thank you, Artie.Copy !req
83. Sorry, Shel.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
84. I know how much you hate
all this contract talk.Copy !req
85. Oh, no, it's not you, Shel.
It's that gumbo.Copy !req
86. My dog wouldn't eat that shit.
Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
87. Hi. How are we?Copy !req
88. Good stuff.Copy !req
89. Hello, Mr. Davidoff.Copy !req
90. Oh, please.
Hank, it's Shel.Copy !req
91. You've called me Shel
for four years now.Copy !req
92. Yeah, well, when it comes
to business, I gotta call
you Mr. Davidoff.Copy !req
93. Don't take offense, Shel.Copy !req
94. Come on, walk with me.
I'm in a hurry.Copy !req
95. Hank, supposing—
just supposing...Copy !req
96. Do you think that stain
on the back of his pantsCopy !req
97. is from the gumbo?Copy !req
98. I don't think so.Copy !req
99. Syndication
points, huh?Copy !req
100. Here you go.Copy !req
101. Do you think if I was
30 again that—Copy !req
102. Artie, don't I have
enough pressure on meCopy !req
103. with everything,
to have to worry aboutCopy !req
104. what you were like
when you were 30Copy !req
105. and who you were dating?Copy !req
106. Does the name Kim Novak
mean anything to you?Copy !req
107. Get outta here.Copy !req
108. Hey!
Hank.Copy !req
109. Uh, just cleaning out
my, uh, office,Copy !req
110. and I thought you, uh,
you might want, uh, want this.Copy !req
111. It's, um, autographed.Copy !req
112. Yeah, but, uh,
Kenny Stabler...
Kenny Stabler.Copy !req
113. played football.
Yeah, I know he played...Copy !req
114. um...
Basketball?Copy !req
115. Well, I— Yeah, I know.Copy !req
116. But I mean,
I just didn't have any
spare footballs hanging aroundCopy !req
117. when he was on the show...
Right.Copy !req
118. so it's the closest
kind of ballCopy !req
119. I could— I could find.Copy !req
120. So, do you want it? Do...Copy !req
121. Hell with it.Copy !req
122. Hank, Hank, come on, Hank.Copy !req
123. You don't need
to play thisCopy !req
124. I'm-leaving-the-show
game with me. Please.Copy !req
125. Yeah, well, um...Copy !req
126. Well, thank you
for the kind words...
Huh?Copy !req
127. you said
on the air tonight.Copy !req
128. The sentiment
really touched me.Copy !req
129. And, uh...Copy !req
130. my stepmother,
who's watching in Pittsburgh.Copy !req
131. Just, uh...Copy !req
132. hope it wasn't lost
in the boys of the network.Copy !req
133. You should thank Artie anyway.
He's the one who wrote it.Copy !req
134. He just put it on
the cards for me.Copy !req
135. I just read it off the cards.Copy !req
136. Uh, where it would've stayed
had you not read it.Copy !req
137. Well, glad I could help out.Copy !req
138. Are you?Copy !req
139. Of course I am, Hank.Copy !req
140. Are ya?Copy !req
141. Mm...Copy !req
142. Wh— What the hell was that?Copy !req
143. He was flexing
a little muscle there.Copy !req
144. Flexing his muscle?Copy !req
145. Yeah. Hank Kingsley will
never leave the show.Copy !req
146. Yeah, but what does he think
he's worth, for god sakes?Copy !req
147. Oh, I have no idea.Copy !req
148. How do you place a value
on a man who introducesCopy !req
149. Wynonna Judd as The Judd?Copy !req
150. That was a low point
even for him, wasn't it?Copy !req
151. I'm surprised she came out.
She was...Copy !req
152. Jane Russell.
Larry? Artie?Copy !req
153. Yes?
Were you who just
talking about Hank?Copy !req
154. No.Copy !req
155. Oh, 'cause my ears
were burning.Copy !req
156. Anyway, the staff is havingCopy !req
157. a little going-away cake
for Hank.Copy !req
158. It would be nice
if you could join us, okay?Copy !req
159. Isn't he taking this
a little seriously this time?Copy !req
160. Oh, fuck it.
It's free cake.Copy !req
161. Gee.
We can't miss this.Copy !req
162. Oh, all right, all right.
Come on.Copy !req
163. Okay. This is gonna be great.Copy !req
164. Okay, let me get him.Copy !req
165. Shh, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
166. Okay. Shh, shh.Copy !req
167. Hank?Copy !req
168. Everybody there?
Yes.Copy !req
169. Is Larry there?Copy !req
170. Yes. I got everyone.Copy !req
171. Great.Copy !req
172. Hold on.Copy !req
173. Yeah?
White cake
with coconut sprinkles?Copy !req
174. Yes.
Great. Okay.Copy !req
175. Surprise!
Surprise!Copy !req
176. Come on!Copy !req
177. What did you do?
What is this?Copy !req
178. Cake!Copy !req
179. What did you do here?Copy !req
180. Oh, man. Um...Copy !req
181. well, um, ooh...Copy !req
182. Uh, I-I— Well,
I-I-I— I don't, um—Copy !req
183. What can I say? Um...Copy !req
184. Well, if— if someone
invented a— a camera,Copy !req
185. that could take, uh, you know,
snapshots of our feelings,Copy !req
186. I would—
I would take—Copy !req
187. I'd take a picture
of this moment and, uh...Copy !req
188. keep it in the, uh...Copy !req
189. wallet of my heart forever.Copy !req
190. Um...Copy !req
191. knowing most of you—
most of you...Copy !req
192. has been a great pleasure,
but the, uh, powers that beCopy !req
193. want to put a price on,
uh, what we have here,Copy !req
194. and I'm— I'm afraid that
that price is just too low.Copy !req
195. And Hank Kingsley is not
a man to— to cave inCopy !req
196. on what is just.Copy !req
197. I say he goes right into
the cruise director's story
after this.Copy !req
198. Bet you 100 bucks
it's the telethon story.Copy !req
199. You're on.Copy !req
200. You know, uh...Copy !req
201. this reminds me of,
uh, when I was a, uh...Copy !req
202. just a— a cruise,
uh, director...Copy !req
203. All right!
Shit.Copy !req
204. on the Andropolis.Copy !req
205. Now, the Andropolis—
let me, uh, fill you in—Copy !req
206. was a, uh, Greek liner.
It was a, uh, luxury liner.Copy !req
207. Oh!Copy !req
208. What is this?
Well, every time we have
a going away party for you,Copy !req
209. which is too much
of a downer,Copy !req
210. everyone goes home sad
'cause they don't wanna
see you go, so...Copy !req
211. So we, you know,
we thought we'd springCopy !req
212. for something
a little more fun.Copy !req
213. Well, I— I—Copy !req
214. this is— I mean,
this is too much.Copy !req
215. I mean, thank you.
I had no— I had no ideaCopy !req
216. that you and Paul could—
Phil.Copy !req
217. Phil could, uh, be so
so openly expressiveCopy !req
218. about your affection.
Thank you. I'm very touched.Copy !req
219. Surprise!Copy !req
220. Whoo! Hi!Copy !req
221. Whoa! Watch out, watch out.Copy !req
222. Whoo!Copy !req
223. Oh, hey, hey.
This is great.Copy !req
224. Whoo!Copy !req
225. All right! Whoo!
Hubba, hubba, hubba!Copy !req
226. Hank.Copy !req
227. Uh— uh, Barbara?Copy !req
228. Well...Copy !req
229. uh, it's very nice
to meet you.Copy !req
230. Meet me?Copy !req
231. You've done a hell
of a lot more than meet me.Copy !req
232. Hey now.Copy !req
233. You asshole!
Okay, okay.Copy !req
234. That number you gave me
was to some dry cleaners
in Torrance!Copy !req
235. Yeah, yeah,
the area code
got changed.Copy !req
236. I don't know how come—
Oh, bullshit!Copy !req
237. Mm.
I am not your whore.Copy !req
238. Okay.Copy !req
239. Ah.Copy !req
240. Who needs this gig anyhow?Copy !req
241. No, no, no, no, that's fine.Copy !req
242. You know, it's just a— a...Copy !req
243. Damn.Copy !req
244. People see ya in enough
of those law furniture spots,Copy !req
245. they, uh, tend to
fantasize about you.
Yeah.Copy !req
246. Come on, come on,
who wants cake, huh?Copy !req
247. Come on! Cake!Copy !req
248. Cake, cake! Come on! Come on!
Come on, Artie.Copy !req
249. Step up! Hey, you two!
Come on!Copy !req
250. This is what—
does the LXE—Copy !req
251. is— is it different
than the other, uh—Copy !req
252. Does it have a limited
slip deferential?
Uh-huh. Huh?Copy !req
253. Limited slip differential.Copy !req
254. Does the LXE have
a limited slip differential?Copy !req
255. Uh-huh, well,
if it's not available,Copy !req
256. is it—
Is it an option?Copy !req
257. Is it?Copy !req
258. Is it an option?
Is it an option?Copy !req
259. The, uh, limited sl—Copy !req
260. No.
No.Copy !req
261. So—
Ask about the next model.Copy !req
262. What if— Does it have a—
Does— Huh?Copy !req
263. The next model up.Copy !req
264. Can I talk? Can I?Copy !req
265. Okay.Copy !req
266. Does the next model have
the limited slip differential?Copy !req
267. It doesn't.Copy !req
268. Well, let me— Can—
Let me ask you this.Copy !req
269. What— what is this
limited slip differential?
Of course.Copy !req
270. Listen, when you're up
on a curb, you know,Copy !req
271. you have—Copy !req
272. Why do I need this car anyway?Copy !req
273. I already have a car.
'Cause you deserve it.Copy !req
274. It's safer and it's classier.Copy !req
275. I know he's right,
I know he's right.Copy !req
276. May I call you back?Copy !req
277. Yeah, the—Copy !req
278. Maury Povich, yeah.Copy !req
279. Th— thank you.Copy !req
280. Well?
Big fan.Copy !req
281. The other part.
What?Copy !req
282. What about it?
Are you gonna get it?
I don't know.Copy !req
283. Silver. That's all I know.Copy !req
284. I want a silver car.Copy !req
285. That's all I—Copy !req
286. What about Hank now?Copy !req
287. He wants to see you alone.Copy !req
288. Alone? What about Artie?Copy !req
289. I'll go check.Copy !req
290. Don't worry, Darlene.
I was just leaving.Copy !req
291. Don't leave me
alone with Hank.Copy !req
292. Oh, I'll be listening
on the speaker phone.Copy !req
293. I'll be with you spiritually.Copy !req
294. Yeah.Copy !req
295. Huh?
Wanna see me?Copy !req
296. Yeah. Want a Coke
or something?Copy !req
297. Sure. If you want me to
have a Coke, I'll have a Coke.Copy !req
298. Good. Ones on the,
uh, top are cold—Copy !req
299. I got it.
Okay.Copy !req
300. Talked to Shel recently.Copy !req
301. About, uh, anything
in particular?Copy !req
302. No, about my hair weave.Copy !req
303. About my leaving.Copy !req
304. Oh.Copy !req
305. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
306. Come on.Copy !req
307. You're not leaving.Copy !req
308. I know you're not going. Jeez.Copy !req
309. You know, in fact, uh, Hank,
what I was thinking was, uh...Copy !req
310. next— next year
when we go—Copy !req
311. when we have, uh,
the going away party,Copy !req
312. let Artie and I take care
of the strippersCopy !req
313. because we can probably find
one that doesn't know ya.Copy !req
314. Okay.Copy !req
315. Okay, good.
Come on, let's go.Copy !req
316. Come on.Copy !req
317. A woman I, uh,
happen to have,Copy !req
318. uh, met, uh, pops out of a,
uh, very large present.Copy !req
319. That's good. Come on.Copy !req
320. Come on, let's make
fun of her.
All right, okay.Copy !req
321. Hank, I'm sorry.
I can't be any more—
No, no. In fact,Copy !req
322. why don't you just
laugh in my face?Copy !req
323. I mean, you might
as well do it now.Copy !req
324. You and Artie do it
every time I turn my back!Copy !req
325. That is not true, Hank.Copy !req
326. She was half The Judds!Copy !req
327. Now there's just one of them!Copy !req
328. So, she's a— she is a Judd!Copy !req
329. She is a single Judd!Copy !req
330. Mother was ill...Copy !req
331. What about the time
I-I-I-I— I chipped, uh,Copy !req
332. my— my tooth
on the bathroom urinal?Copy !req
333. Huh? What the fuck is
so comical about that?Copy !req
334. It was a back tooth, Hank.Copy !req
335. I don't know how you did it.Copy !req
336. All right.Copy !req
337. No, no, no, it's my fault.Copy !req
338. I really shouldn't be
so angry about this.Copy !req
339. Look...
Because you know
what I'm really feeling?Copy !req
340. It hurts.Copy !req
341. Yeah.Copy !req
342. No, you don't understand.Copy !req
343. It hurts me...
Hank.Copy !req
344. when you guys do this.
Listen to me.Copy !req
345. You've had a, uh,
really long weekCopy !req
346. with this negotiation.Copy !req
347. I— I think you're
overreacting a little.Copy !req
348. You cut one?Copy !req
349. What the f—Copy !req
350. What the hell is—
What the hell was that?Copy !req
351. Huh?Copy !req
352. Phew.Copy !req
353. Well, you let one go, boy.Copy !req
354. Hello.
It was the speakerphone.Copy !req
355. Nice try.Copy !req
356. Nice try.Copy !req
357. No, someone is listening
to our conversationCopy !req
358. on the speakerphone.Copy !req
359. You think someone's on
the speakerphone?Copy !req
360. Is someone
on the speakerphone?Copy !req
361. Is— Is someone
listening, god dammit?Copy !req
362. It's me, Larry. Arthur.Copy !req
363. Artie, what are you doing
on the speaker phone?Copy !req
364. Oh, are you there with Hank?Copy !req
365. Artie?Copy !req
366. I'm sitting right here
with Hank in my office.Copy !req
367. How did you get
on the phone?Copy !req
368. I don't know.Copy !req
369. I— I have no idea
how I got on the phone.Copy !req
370. I was eating a sandwich
in my officeCopy !req
371. and, well, suddenly
I heard you guys.Copy !req
372. Well, Artie, you clearly
must have hit your elbowCopy !req
373. against the button and we—
and you— you—Copy !req
374. you're now on
the speaker phone.Copy !req
375. Oh, maybe, maybe.Copy !req
376. But how's my old buddy Hank?Copy !req
377. We were in the middle
of a conversation.Copy !req
378. I'm gonna have to hang up
on you now, Artie.Copy !req
379. Gotcha.Copy !req
380. That's the kind of shit
I'm talking about.Copy !req
381. I'm not gonna take it anymore.Copy !req
382. Will— Will you
let me explain?Copy !req
383. No, I won't.
It's too late, my friend.Copy !req
384. I'm tired.Copy !req
385. Tired of, uh, being
your personal village idiot.Copy !req
386. I'll see you later.Copy !req
387. Tell us about your, uh...
Robin Williams: Oh, baby?Copy !req
388. Your baby.
My— I have a— a new baby
who is eight months oldCopy !req
389. who's, like, pretty amazing.Copy !req
390. I mean...Copy !req
391. Thank you.Copy !req
392. I don't know. I— I—
They're happy for you.Copy !req
393. I don't know if they're
happy for me for me...Copy !req
394. Well, you're—
or they're going,
"Oh, it's wonderful."Copy !req
395. I don't know what it is.
I didn't actually
have the baby,Copy !req
396. but my wife did.
I mean, be differentCopy !req
397. if men carried the baby,
wouldn't it?Copy !req
398. We'd be going like,
"Yeah! I got things to do!
Get it out!Copy !req
399. Yeah, right! Okay, yeah,
okay, I see it. Come on."Copy !req
400. Listen, we're gonna—
Let us take a breakCopy !req
401. and we'll come back after
this— this commercialCopy !req
402. and we'll do more.
Okay.Copy !req
403. Is that okay?
No, it's all right.
That's okay.Copy !req
404. Okay. We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.Copy !req
405. You turn that dial,
you're dead!
Don't go away.Copy !req
406. Clear!Copy !req
407. Delightful, Robin. Delightful.Copy !req
408. Sir, your mind is
a national treasure.
Thanks.Copy !req
409. Enough with the bullshit.
How am I really doing?
Huh?Copy !req
410. How did I do?
What? You did great.Copy !req
411. You did great, man.
What are you doing?
Yeah?Copy !req
412. Yeah, I mean, you're
Robin Williams for god sakes.Copy !req
413. Are you unaware of that?
No.Copy !req
414. If I was you,
I'd never ask
how I was doing.Copy !req
415. Really?
You were great.Copy !req
416. Come on.
Oh, man.Copy !req
417. Come on.
If you were me, you wouldn't
be wearing this suit I guess.Copy !req
418. Stop it. The suit is great.
Really?Copy !req
419. I don't look like
an Irish pimp?Copy !req
420. Well, I didn't say that.
I know.Copy !req
421. I'm sorry I was mean to Hank.Copy !req
422. You weren't mean to Hank.
Yeah, I was.Copy !req
423. No one knows what
that line is anymore.Copy !req
424. I don't know what
the deal is.Copy !req
425. Really? It's just so—
Hank and I—Copy !req
426. it's so easy.Copy !req
427. Hank— Hank is sensitive.
I don't— I can't tell youCopy !req
428. what you should
and shouldn't do
with Hank.Copy !req
429. We're going through
a thing right now,
as a matter of fact.Copy !req
430. It's just too damn easy.
He looks like a before
for Hair Club.Copy !req
431. I— I can't go
with you on that.Copy !req
432. I cannot. I'm...
Um... you guys—Copy !req
433. Can I ask you a question?
It's just I got to, I got to.
No problem.Copy !req
434. And— I— I never do this,
but, uh, can you, uh,Copy !req
435. autograph this
for my niece?
Oh, sure. Yeah.Copy !req
436. Jennifer. She's six
years old and—
Jennifer.Copy !req
437. "Best wishes" or...
Peter Pan.Copy !req
438. What? Peter Pan, Mork.Copy !req
439. Whatever. Or any— whatever.Copy !req
440. Mork. Okay.
Whatever you want. Okay.Copy !req
441. Want me to sign that?Copy !req
442. Want me...Copy !req
443. I'm sorry I was
in your face tonight.Copy !req
444. I'm really sorry.
No, what, are you kidding?Copy !req
445. I mean, uh, what—
when you said that...Copy !req
446. my head reminded you of,
uh, your penisCopy !req
447. after a cold swim,
I was— I was honored.Copy !req
448. I mean, I— I think
I would be a perfect,
uh, foil for you.Copy !req
449. I mean that.
You are. For anyone.
You're wonderful.Copy !req
450. Thank you.
What's that about?Copy !req
451. What is that about?Copy !req
452. If I had said that to you,
you would've been pissed off.Copy !req
453. No, I'm insulted.
Okay. Just—Copy !req
454. Yeah, well, you see,
there's a— a difference.Copy !req
455. You see, uh,
uh, number one...
It's "Mork" with a "K."Copy !req
456. Right, it was on—
it was on stage, you see.Copy !req
457. Number two, Robin
isn't, uh, supposed to be
a friend of mine.Copy !req
458. Uh, number three, he didn't
do it behind my back,Copy !req
459. and number four,
all the time.Copy !req
460. You know what? Okay.Copy !req
461. This is not—
Thank you.Copy !req
462. You're welcome.
It's great.Copy !req
463. Tension.Copy !req
464. You should work this out,Copy !req
465. go to see somebody together.Copy !req
466. Do you think I should
continue with my kid's penis?Copy !req
467. Do you think I should
talk about that?Copy !req
468. Why don't you do the...
It looks good.Copy !req
469. Go into the ass-hunt
then we'll talk about
why you got the beard.Copy !req
470. Okay, I guess.Copy !req
471. Hey, listen, you're not
gonna do Arsenio or Leno,
are ya?Copy !req
472. I've got to.Copy !req
473. Fucker.Copy !req
474. Hey, it's the business.
Get used to it. Blow me.Copy !req
475. Welcome back.Copy !req
476. We are back with...Copy !req
477. Robin Williams and, uh...Copy !req
478. when we left...Copy !req
479. when we left,
we were talking about, uh...Copy !req
480. uh, your... baby.Copy !req
481. Yes, uh, baby, and, uh...Copy !req
482. Eight months old?
Eight months old, yeah.Copy !req
483. And?
He's wonderful.Copy !req
484. Yes.
And he's hung
like a field mouse.Copy !req
485. He's, uh...Copy !req
486. I mean, you pop
the diaper and ping!Copy !req
487. It's like a little sundial.
Look.Copy !req
488. It's amazing.Copy !req
489. It's like you're going...
"Whoa, yes."Copy !req
490. Honey, what time is it?
Get the baby.
Get the baby.Copy !req
491. Look, it's 3:00.Copy !req
492. Oh, oh, it's 2:30 now.
It's real cold.Copy !req
493. Well, I hear
what you're saying.Copy !req
494. I mean, I agree. I mean...Copy !req
495. you're one of the greats.Copy !req
496. I mean, hell, man.Copy !req
497. You're a legend.Copy !req
498. But things are tough
out there, kid.Copy !req
499. Times are bad and the trend
in talk shows todayCopy !req
500. is not to have a sidekick.Copy !req
501. Yeah, it is a dying art.Copy !req
502. But I've been having talks
with Dick CavettCopy !req
503. about the possibility
of a co-host.Copy !req
504. Cavett? What's he doing?Copy !req
505. What's he doing, Artie?Copy !req
506. He has his own talk show
on CNBC.Copy !req
507. CNBC? What the hell's that?Copy !req
508. What's that mean?Copy !req
509. Don't you know?Copy !req
510. No. My TV stops
at channel 13Copy !req
511. the way it's supposed to.Copy !req
512. What I'm trying to
tell you is thatCopy !req
513. as far as sidekicks go,
it's not exactly...Copy !req
514. a seller's market.Copy !req
515. Artie?Copy !req
516. I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
517. I got the network
by the balls on this one.Copy !req
518. You do?
Yeah.Copy !req
519. I got a meeting
with Sheldon right now.Copy !req
520. It's all gonna be over
in a half hour.Copy !req
521. Good luck, buddy.Copy !req
522. Well?Copy !req
523. How'd it go?Copy !req
524. Got a second, Hank?Copy !req
525. I, uh, just came in
to apologize for, uh,Copy !req
526. some of the things I said
to you a little earlier.Copy !req
527. Well, you sure do keep it
dark in here, don't you?Copy !req
528. Still doing the spots, huh?Copy !req
529. What's wrong?Copy !req
530. Network passed.Copy !req
531. Network passed.Copy !req
532. Network passed.Copy !req
533. What did they say?Copy !req
534. Uh, let's see,
what did they say?Copy !req
535. They said, uh...Copy !req
536. "Hey, you, uh, untalented,
overpriced, uh, sidekick,Copy !req
537. "you're just another
piece of meat to us,Copy !req
538. "so why don't you, uh, take
what we gave you last yearCopy !req
539. and be happy with that,
you worthless piece of shit?"
Yeah.Copy !req
540. Well, look, you know,
times are very hard right now.Copy !req
541. Maybe you should think
about taking...Copy !req
542. last year's, uh, salary.Copy !req
543. Yeah, well,
I can't do that, can I?
Why is that?Copy !req
544. I mean, I can't—
W— well, um, why?Copy !req
545. Well, you see, I've just
been on national TVCopy !req
546. and I've just said,
"Oh, well, Hank Kingsley
will not cave in,"Copy !req
547. so I am fucked.Copy !req
548. What does Artie, uh,
have to say about that?Copy !req
549. I don't know.
I can't go to Artie.Copy !req
550. It's so embar— I mean,
it's gonna be bad enough...
Uh-huh.Copy !req
551. when this thing hits
the front page of "Variety."Copy !req
552. The second page at least.Copy !req
553. You know...Copy !req
554. you'd think they'd be pissed
that you might take
the Cavett thing.Copy !req
555. What's wrong with you?
Is there— I mean, is there
something wrong with you?Copy !req
556. You don't understand.
What are you talking about?
There's something—Copy !req
557. There's no Cavett,
you hear me?Copy !req
558. What are you—
No Cavett.Copy !req
559. You said there was
a Cavett thing.
Zip, zip, zip.Copy !req
560. No Cavett.
Zip, zip on Cavett.
I'm bluffing.Copy !req
561. You were bluffing
about Cavett.
Right, right.Copy !req
562. I mean, I'm doing the same
thing that you didCopy !req
563. when— when— when you—
when you saidCopy !req
564. that you had the offer
from the other network.Copy !req
565. Hank, I had another offer
from the other network.Copy !req
566. That's why I had leverage.Copy !req
567. I was offered the spot
after "Nightline."Copy !req
568. Oh, my god.Copy !req
569. I thought you were bluffing.Copy !req
570. Shel.Copy !req
571. Jesus, Larry.Copy !req
572. I could've gotten us
a nice table at Musso's.Copy !req
573. Well, I didn't want
anybody to see us, that's all.
Okay, then let's be quick,Copy !req
574. because I have a breakfast
with Fred Dryer early
in the morning.Copy !req
575. Oh, boy.
You must be so excited.Copy !req
576. I bet you won't sleep
all night.Copy !req
577. Listen, Shel, what does
Hank want exactly?Copy !req
578. He wants a five percent raise,Copy !req
579. he wants gross
percentage points,Copy !req
580. he wants three weeks
additional paid vacation...
All right.Copy !req
581. and he wants a Hankmobile.
What's a Hankmobile?Copy !req
582. It's that golf cart
I told you about last week.Copy !req
583. I spun you around here.Copy !req
584. All right, look, uh,
don't be so cutthroat
with Hank, will ya?Copy !req
585. Come on. Make a deal
and let the man walk awayCopy !req
586. with some dignity.
Come on.Copy !req
587. We're talking about business.Copy !req
588. We're talking about Hank
for god sakes, okay?Copy !req
589. Give him everything he wantsCopy !req
590. or you know
what's gonna happen?Copy !req
591. I'm off the show.Copy !req
592. I mean it.
He goes, I go, Shel.Copy !req
593. Oh, come off it.Copy !req
594. I mean it.Copy !req
595. Oh, and I suppose you want
another one of those fake
going away parties?Copy !req
596. You know what, Shel?
I don't have to fake it.Copy !req
597. I can go on after "Nightline"
any time I want.Copy !req
598. Call Bob Iger over at ABC.Copy !req
599. He'll tell ya.
It ain't gonna work.Copy !req
600. Well, Shel, you know what?Copy !req
601. Make it work 'cause,
you know, I love being here.Copy !req
602. I— I don't mean
on these stairs.Copy !req
603. I mean, you know, the network.Copy !req
604. Will didn't know
it was the mannequin.Copy !req
605. Okay, got it. Thanks.Copy !req
606. Look at that!Copy !req
607. This is great!
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
608. This is yours?
They must love you.Copy !req
609. Yep. Well, I told you
I was gonna get
everything, huh?Copy !req
610. Yeah, this is great.
Thank you.Copy !req
611. Wow.Copy !req
612. You must be very pleased.Copy !req
613. I am, uh, very pleased.Copy !req
614. Did you get the,
uh, salary bump?Copy !req
615. Oh.Copy !req
616. Yes.
All right!Copy !req
617. What about the,
um, syndication points?Copy !req
618. Well, you know, you see,
the thing on the, uh,Copy !req
619. they— the salary, uh, bump
was so great that the,Copy !req
620. you know, I— I felt I should
give them something,Copy !req
621. so, um, you know,
I mean, I don't needCopy !req
622. uh, you know,
syndication points.Copy !req
623. Oh, oh. What about
the vacation?Copy !req
624. Three weeks?
Oh, week and a half.Copy !req
625. Great.
Fine.Copy !req
626. Great!Copy !req
627. Good.Copy !req
628. And this,
if they gave you this—Copy !req
629. this is gorgeous.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
630. Wow.Copy !req
631. What?Copy !req
632. I had to pay for it myself,Copy !req
633. so I, you know, I appreciate
you don't tell anybody, okay?Copy !req
634. Great.Copy !req
635. Oh, Larry, and I wanna
thank you for—Copy !req
636. for going to bat
for me. Really.Copy !req
637. Beautiful.
I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
638. You don't know
what I'm talk—
I don't.Copy !req
639. If I—
if I go, you go.Copy !req
640. You know what you did
that was smart?
What?Copy !req
641. You got the white interior.
Oh, man.Copy !req
642. Cooler in the summer.Copy !req
643. Yeah, you've got
a very different wayCopy !req
644. of showing your love,
don't you?Copy !req
645. I've seen men be burned
in dark interiors and...
Yeah. Come on.Copy !req
646. Come on.
Hank, please.Copy !req
647. Come on. Come on.
Please. You know
how I feel about this.Copy !req
648. Don't. No.
You're gonna kiss me
this time.Copy !req
649. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
650. Hank, you're on
in ten seconds.Copy !req
651. All right, okay.Copy !req
652. Listen, buddy,
park this by the—Copy !req
653. you know,
the prop room,Copy !req
654. and no joyriding,
and I'll be backCopy !req
655. in, uh, 58 minutes
exactly, all right?Copy !req
656. Yeah. Thank you.Copy !req
657. When you—
Huh?Copy !req
658. You're in your own moment
or is there anything wrong?
No, just, um...Copy !req
659. Network is fucked,
you know that?
You're not in your own moment.Copy !req
660. No, I'm not in my own moment.Copy !req
661. and they still don't give Hank
everything he wants.Copy !req
662. What the fuck is that?
Oh, poor baby.Copy !req
663. Well, he seems happy.
That's not the issue.Copy !req
664. Live on tape
from Hollywood...
That is not the issue.Copy !req
665. You think the network would
care enough about meCopy !req
666. to do exactly what
I tell them to do.Copy !req
667. It's an insult, Artie.Copy !req
668. This is an insult.Copy !req
669. Or you think they'd be nervous
that you'd take that offerCopy !req
670. and go on after "Nightline."Copy !req
671. That is exactly the point.Copy !req
672. And now...
Well, you did have that offerCopy !req
673. to go on after "Nightline,"
didn't you?Copy !req
674. Larry Sanders!Copy !req
675. Fuck no.Copy !req