The Larry Sanders Show 1x6

1. That sign says, "applesauce."

2. (laughing) No, no, no.

3. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once.

5. (applause) All right.

6. Now, remember, you're all a big part of the show.

7. So the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now, you see this gentleman? Yeah, he's giving me this sign,

9. and it says we're on in ten seconds,

10. so get ready to have a good time.

11. All right, here we go.

12. This is exciting, isn't it?

13. In five, four, three, two...

14. Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show!

15. Tonight, join Larry and his guests:

16. Mimi Rogers,

17. The Red Hot Chili Peppers,

18. Michael Richards,

19. and me, "Hey, Now!" Hank Kingsley.

20. And now, because he's got the name that says goodness,

21. Larry Sanders!

22. Thank you.

23. Thank you very much.

24. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Really.

25. Really, really, that's— you're very desperate.

26. Thank you. Thank you for being here.

27. And may I say right off the bat,

28. Princess Di, it was announced in the paper today,

29. has, evidently, rumored, I guess, bulimia.

30. And, uh, this is true— and I'm going to England,

31. and Hank, maybe you can help me on this.

32. 'Cause I'm not up on the protocol. Right.

33. I know you're not supposed to eat until they eat.

34. Now, how would it work in this case?

35. Um, all I know is always use the small fork first.

36. Hank!

37. (chuckling) Oh, boy.

38. "Keep the day job" is the old joke.

39. You look attractive tonight, by the way.

40. Thank you.

41. The, uh— Ross Perot, of course, has dropped out of the presidential race.

42. Proving again that if you have a silent T in your last name, you cannot become president.

43. Paul Tsongas...

44. The silent T does not work.

45. Harry Truman? Yes. Because his name isn't Harry "Ruman."

46. We have a wonderful show. Don't judge it by the jokes.

47. We have Mimi Rogers, we have the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Michael Richards.

48. Don't flip around, we'll be right back.

49. I will say that were I in the Academy,

50. I would have voted for you for an Academy Award for that last movie.

51. Really? Thank you. Absolutely.

52. Absolutely. That is so nice.

53. Well, that is— (applause)

54. I'm not saying it just to be nice,

55. I think you were terrific in that.

56. Well, thank you, and you know what,

57. I would have voted for you too if you'd been in a movie.

58. Well, that has always been the prerequisite

59. that stopped me from winning an Academy Award.

60. There's some little small print that says,

61. "You have to be in a movie to get a nomination."

62. But you know what I think? I think we should do a movie together.

63. Sounds good to me. It does.

64. Among other things, I would love to see how you do a nude scene.

65. Well, I... Whoo!

66. I do them— I do them— I can tell you,

67. funny and yet sexy nude scenes.

68. Really? Yes.

69. So, we have nude, yet funny and sexy.

70. Exactly. Well, I think that's very interesting.

71. What sign are you? A Sagittarius.

72. Sagittarius, okay.

73. I'm an Aquarius. I think that would work.

74. Is that right? Sagittarius... Sure.

75. Sure, 'cause you're a fire sign, and I'm an air sign. Yeah?

76. Air feeds the fire, fans the fire.

77. I see. Strokes the fire.

78. Easy.

79. So...

80. the more air that goes into—

81. the harder one blows,

82. so to say, the air into the fire,

83. the more... heat. The more flames, yeah.

84. And why then— And explosions can result.

85. and explosions,

86. and before you know it, there's no way to put it out.

87. That's right.

88. And my rising sign is kindling.

89. But please, let's get back to the nude scene.

90. I'm, um— I'm a Capricorn.

91. Butt out.

92. No, I don't think— of course, Hank could be in the nude scene if you wanted him to be.

93. Well, actually three is kind of a crowd.

94. So, um... Yes?

95. I should tell you I'm unfor— I should tell you I'm married.

96. I can tell you that has never stopped him before.

97. Now, let me make this clear, if I may,

98. not only to Hank, but everybody watching,

99. I take my wedding vows seriously.

100. And love my wife, and am totally committed to that relationship.

101. Now, by nude, do you mean...

102. neither of us would be wearing clothes?

103. That is correct. I see.

104. 'Cause I've been tricked before and ended up...

105. being the only one and then...

106. usually it results in a call to the police.

107. And, you know, all hell breaks out.

108. This is clearly a—

109. we are out of time? Is that the signal?

110. This is— I can't believe... Oh, no, I can't...

111. I'm never gonna get to tell my Academy Award story.

112. No, I'm sorry you did not get to finish that.

113. Why don't you come back? You wanna come back tomorrow?

114. (cheering) Really?

115. Come back tomorrow.

116. Now, I believe that is the first time

117. that you have ever invited anyone back for two nights in a row.

118. And that includes Hank.

119. So, there you have it.

120. So... Okay, I'd love to.

121. I'd love to. Well, that is great. I can't believe where the time went.

122. I'd like to apologize to Michael Richards of the "Seinfeld" show

123. for running out of time. God, what an asshole.

124. Why is he inviting her back? I'm the one who got bumped.

125. Ms. Rogers, you definitely are a delight.

126. Well, thank you. Phil Abbott's your brother, isn't he?

127. Paul. Yes. Paul.

128. Tell him I enjoy his work.

129. Well, that'll mean a lot to him, thank you.

130. Okay, see you tomorrow. All right. See all of you tomorrow.

131. And you are?

132. Hey. That was great.

133. How do you come down from a show like that?

134. Jazzercise.

135. I am not so sure I should have invited her back.

136. It'll be fine. Special chemistry between you two.

137. five minutes. I mean—

138. Oh, hey, Larry.

139. It was a good show. Hey, Michael.

140. Oh, thanks. I'm still gonna get paid?

141. (laughs) I don't know.

142. Yeah, absolutely. Okay.

143. But listen, I am really sorry

144. we ran long. No, it's okay. It's all right.

145. Gee... It's all right. Well, um,

146. so we'll do it another time, all right?

147. Absolutely. It was a wonderful show.

148. It could have only been improved by Mr. Michael Richards.

149. All right. We'll be calling your agent.

150. Now, my agent's on the phone, do you want to talk to him?

151. Oh, tell him hello for me.

152. I love that move.

153. One of my favorites.

154. Who's booked tomorrow?

155. First, a civilian,

156. then the Pixies, Uh-huh.

157. the great Billy Connolly, Yeah.

158. and, I guess, Mimi Rogers.

159. You're saying that like I did something wrong.

160. Mimi? Where?

161. Uh, Larry?

162. Uh, you know Christine.

163. Oh, sure, hi, from, uh...

164. "The Price is Right." Ahem.

165. "The New Price Is Right." Of course.

166. Uh, we're going over to the Smokehouse.

167. Oh, the new Smokehouse?

168. We're gonna have a drinksky.

169. Do you want to join us? No, gee,

170. uh, but glad to hear the Russian lessons are working out for you, Hank.

171. Oh, try the veal.

172. I don't care that they live in cages, it's out of this world.

173. Artie.

174. You know, if Hank does well, he gets a year's supply of Turtle Wax.

175. I really think that we should do a movie together.

176. Well, I'm certainly... Yes.

177. I would really love to see how you'd handle a nude scene.

178. You know, honey, this is supposed to be—

179. Shh!

180. I'm both, in a nude scene, funny and sexy

181. in a nude scene. Really?

182. Michael Richards was supposed to actually—

183. Honey! Honey!

184. I should tel you I'm unfor— I should tell you I'm married.

185. Not that that's ever stopped him before.

186. Let's see who Leno's—

187. No, no! Honey, I wanna see if she straddles you.

188. not only to Hank, but to everybody...

189. You have a great sense of humor, honey.

190. Have I mentioned that to you?

191. So, honey, um, do you fuck her on the desk or on the couch?

192. Because I'm guessing the desk because Hank is on the couch,

193. and I know you're not into that.

194. Come back? Why don't you come back tomorrow?

195. Really? You wanna come back tomorrow?

196. Really?

197. Two nights in a row?

198. Well, you know, I made a mistake, and I'm sorry.

199. I will bump her. She's as good as gone.

200. Honey, I don't want you to bump her.

201. No, I want to bump her.

202. Larry— It's a bad precedent to set.

203. Then the next thing you know, it'll be George Segal month.

204. Larry. See you tomorrow night...

205. and, uh, let me see if Honey, do you trust me?

206. I can find out who my guests are.

207. I trust you.

208. I cannot find out who my guests are.

209. I don't think I trust him.

210. Good night, sleep well,

211. I know I won't.

212. I got the Batman sketch.

213. I've got it. All right.

214. Okay, Batman gets old. Yes.

215. He's got the bat-walker. Uh-huh.

216. He's got the utility truss on. He's got the—

217. Excuse me, okay? I'm gonna finish it.

218. He's got— his mind is totally gone, right? Uh-huh.

219. He steps out of the Batmobile, okay?

220. And?

221. And? And he?

222. We've got nothing.

223. Gentlemen, m'lady,

224. Mimi Rogers indeed will be joining us this evening,

225. and that means the Batman sketch is out. No!

226. Are you kidding? We had it all worked out! It was brilliant.

227. Yeah. Why don't you bump Billy Connolly?

228. We had gold, Arthur.

229. I'm sorry we have to reschedule, but I'd love to hear what you've got.

230. Fine. Type it up.

231. Darlene.

232. Hang on, one sec.

233. Arthur, guess what? Larry, listen to this.

234. The Bangles want to reunite and they want to do it on your show.

235. I don't know.

236. Oh, it's such a shame.

237. The heavy one has such a pretty face.

238. Arthur, that's Wilson Phillips. Or The Temptations.

239. Can I talk to you a minute? We gotta find somebody here.

240. Where the hell is Meat Loaf?

241. Get him. I like him. He's a good boy. Excellent, excellent.

242. Can I— I have something Work on that.

243. to talk to you about. I'll call his people.

244. Artie? No, I guess it was more booked up than I had thought.

245. No, I'm sorry.

246. Actually, kindling is my rising sign.

247. So, we could build quite a fire there.

248. There, right there.

249. What are you talking about? I'm flirting, right there!

250. What flirting?

251. I— look at the way I'm grinning there.

252. Oh... Look.

253. Now, let me make this clear, if I may,

254. What the hell are you talking about? What flirting? Where? Where?

255. No, wait. Not there. Not there...

256. Not there.

257. By nude, do you mean, uh...

258. There! Right there, I'm flirting.

259. What? I'm flirting right there!

260. Look at the way I'm grinning, Artie.

261. Come on, you know that's not how I grin when I'm doing just any interview.

262. Here, I'll freeze frame it.

263. Oh, for Christ's sake! Look at it!

264. This is like watching the Rodney King tape.

265. Don't make me watch this anymore. Artie...

266. Come on! For god sakes, Artie,

267. look, she's doing the hand-on-hand.

268. See. She put her hand on my hand.

269. She knew that I was flirting, and she jumped right in there, okay?

270. Larry, I have seen the hand on the hand done many times.

271. I, myself, have done it with Gregory Peck.

272. Trust me, I felt nothing.

273. All I'm saying is I've played this course before,

274. and I know right where it goes.

275. Hand-on-hand, flirting backstage,

276. and then I'm fucking 'em at Hank's Malibu pad.

277. You don't want to do that, Larry.

278. He's had terrible septic problems with that place.

279. Well, all I'm saying is I see a pattern here,

280. and what's to stop it from happening again?

281. I could end up doing the same— No problem!

282. I have a show to produce. Must see if Hank is back.

283. Then we'll look at the tape again, Artie?

284. Oh, sure thing! Okay.

285. Uh, here's a letter from the Tree People.

286. They want to know if you're gonna do their benefit or not.

287. You know what, tell them I have Dutch Elm disease.

288. Oh... Because it's very serious.

289. No, find out who's doing this first

290. Okay. before I say yes.

291. All right, here are the Billy Connolly questions,

292. the Bert Crawley questions—

293. Who's Bert Crawley?

294. Uh, he's a guy from Minneapolis, he carves soap.

295. And we got him? Mm-hmm.

296. That's great! What a coup. (laughing)

297. Leno will be jealous. I think he's just got that has-been Julia Roberts again.

298. Oh, boy.

299. Uh, you have to remind Mimi Rogers to finish her Academy Awards story.

300. And there's some other questions on there.

301. Well, I am not gonna ask her this question about, uh...

302. when she lost her virginity.

303. I'm sure it's a beautiful story, but then I'll have to tell mine,

304. and it always embarrasses my sister.

305. Okay, no virgin.

306. Always embarrasses my sister, I say!

307. Never mind.

308. Okay. (chuckles) And, uh, tell her don't flirt.

309. Please? All right.

310. Don't— don't flirt.

311. Don't say "don't flirt."

312. But, you know what to tell her.

313. And don't— make sure— don't tell her it came from me, okay?

314. All right.

315. Uh, leave that, uh, okay.

316. Close it— leave it open.

317. All right. Thank you.

318. Do you know how many bars of soap it takes

319. to make the virgin Mary?

320. Is this a riddle?

321. Paula! No, I figured it out the other day.

322. Excuse me, Paula,

323. Larry just made me go in to Mimi's room and tell her "don't flirt."

324. No way. Yes, he did.

325. You gonna tell me what she said later?

326. Yes, I will.

327. Now, Mr. Crawley, you're gonna go out and talk to Larry for a little bit,

328. then we're gonna bring out your soap sculptures, okay?

329. I don't do just the soap.

330. I also tell jokes.

331. It seems these two colored fellas were sitting on the porch—

332. Oh, you know what, I don't think there's going to be enough time tonight.

333. And here's the restroom— But this is a very funny joke!

334. I'm sure it's great. There's a bathroom right— It'll make your hair giggle!

335. I'm sure it will. Right in here.

336. It doesn't have to be colored. We could make 'em Polack.

337. Oh, afternoon. Hey, Hank.

338. You just get here?

339. Yeah, busy day. Up to my shorts.

340. I was doing a commercial spot for Stanley light-duty hammers.

341. How'd it go?

342. What do you mean?

343. Well, I mean, was it, uh...

344. Oh, it was fine. It was just a job, you know. I got a check.

345. Great. Can't wait to see it.

346. If you ever need any Stanley products, please, let me know.

347. Thanks.

348. Uh, Lar?

349. Except nails. They said absolutely no nails.

350. Dammit.

351. Hi, Larry.

352. Ms. Rogers.

353. Could I talk to you for a minute? Uh...

354. Well, you know, I was just gonna go get my makeup on.

355. Although I wear far less than any other talk show host.

356. You know, Oprah's actually a small, white, Jewish man.

357. But don't tell anybody.

358. It'll just take a second.

359. All right.

360. Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but did I do something wrong?

361. No, why?

362. Um, Beverly was just in here.

363. Is that right?

364. Yeah, and she— she told me that Arthur said

365. that we weren't gonna do some of the questions.

366. And that I should, um,

367. be careful not to flirt too much.

368. No, boy, he did not mention anything about that to me.

369. Oh. Well, I just...

370. maybe feel like maybe I did something wrong last night.

371. Oh, no, are you kidding? You were great last night, really.

372. Absolutely, you know, that, uh...

373. that's a great area, that artificial flirting thing.

374. The audience loves that.

375. Oh, did it seem artificial?

376. Well, you know, not artificial.

377. But, you know, not real.

378. Oh. I was— I was serious.

379. What's so funny? What?

380. It's just that, uh... oh, man.

381. I really thought—

382. you're such a good actress that I thought you were serious for a second.

383. Look, uh, Larry, I...

384. I don't want to make you uncomfortable,

385. but I really do find you attractive.

386. I'm just being honest.

387. You know, um...

388. I find you attractive also.

389. And I'm not just saying that 'cause you said it to me.

390. Are you okay? I have a rotator cuff problem,

391. that, uh— I threw it out doing the monologue.

392. You know, I have the number of a great chiropractor in Santa Monica.

393. Oh. That would be nice. Why don't I write it down for you.

394. That would be nice.

395. Then I really have to go because of the, uh... I have to do my makeup.

396. I wear far less than any other talk show host.

397. I told you that. Now, listen, I don't, um,

398. I don't actually have his actual number.

399. But why don't I give you this.

400. So, this is— This is my number.

401. And you can call me to get his number.

402. That is really nice.

403. Thank you. And, uh...

404. have a great show.

405. Well...

406. Larry!

407. Oh, you look so much thinner in person.

408. I'm Bert Crawley,

409. the soap carver from Minneapolis. Hi, how are you?

410. Excuse me, gentlemen.

411. Excuse me. Oh, hello, Mrs. Sanders,

412. how are you? No, that is not Mrs. Sanders.

413. Why don't we go out to the set. I'll walk you your segment

414. so you won't be nervous. I also tell jokes.

415. Um, come on, why don't we just— And, uh, there was—

416. You'll have a good time. Two Jews is sitting on the porch...

417. Sorry, Larry. and one of 'em says to the other,

418. I'm really sorry. This way. uh, listen—

419. I'll see you out there!

420. I'll see you out there.

421. See you out there.

422. She was standing right on top of me. I could count the little hairs on her...

423. uh, on that groove under her nose.

424. What do you call that area? This thing?

425. Yeah, what is that? Oh, it's, um...

426. Uh, it's a— it's a—

427. A cleft. No, the cleft is your chin.

428. The, uh... That's your philtrum.

429. I know because it's very hard to cover up.

430. Is that it? Philtrum sounds right. That's it.

431. So, do you, uh... I could count the hairs on the, uh...

432. philtrum there. want the keys to my place in Malibu?

433. No, I don't want the keys.

434. You sure?

435. No, I'm not sure, but I'm married.

436. Hey, Jerry. Hey, Mrs. Sanders.

437. Where is he?

438. Uh, I think he's in Mimi Rogers' dressing room.

439. I'm gonna catch up with him at home.

440. Okay.

441. Jerry? Yeah?

442. What is Mimi Rogers, um, promoting?

443. I don't know.

444. Television show, or a movie or something? I don't know.

445. So she's not really working on anything at all now, is she?

446. I— I don't know.

447. Hank, I'm not gonna fuck it up this time.

448. I'm really impressed. This is a new Larry.

449. Usually you take the keys by the third try.

450. Sorry. No, don't be sorry.

451. I mean, I'm really impressed.

452. Now listen, if I feel that you're getting into any

453. dangerous flirting territory with Mimi,

454. Live on tape from Hollywood, I'll make a signal, like this.

455. The Larry Sanders Show. I'm not gonna be able to see that, Artie.

456. Like what?

457. Joining Larry... That? I'm not gonna see that.

458. You do that all day long anyway.

459. Would you stop it? This is for me.

460. Oh, for god sake's, Artie.

461. "Hey, now!" Hank Kingsley.

462. And now, because nothing else has that great...

463. How about this. Tchya!

464. Larry Sanders! Hey, har!

465. I have to tell you, though. Yes, ma'am.

466. I had a really great time last night.

467. And, uh... And it has— that is terrific,

468. may I say. As did I.

469. And my parents saw the show.

470. Terrific. Terrific. Did they like it?

471. They liked you. (laughs)

472. That is— what's that? As a matter of fact,

473. my mother thought you were very cute.

474. Well, you know, moms do like me.

475. Moms do like me. I must say, the moms like me.

476. And your dad? How did he feel about me?

477. You are completely adorable when you can't take a compliment.

478. And, uh, Bert? May I say you're adorable

479. when you— when you can't take a compliment.

480. Not that I've given you one, but may I say,

481. it's a feeling I have. Well, thank you anyhow.

482. Yeah, my pleasure. My pleasure, Bert.

483. Bert, didn't you have a joke, by the way, you wanted to—

484. didn't you have a joke you wanted to tell?

485. No.

486. Oh, Larry, I wanted to ask you how your shoulder was doing?

487. Did you get a chance to call my chiropractor?

488. I, uh, you know, my shoulder has been feeling much better, Oh, good.

489. thank you for asking, if I may say.

490. Come on, let's watch "Nightline."

491. Shh!

492. Uh, Lar, how 'bout a song?

493. A song. Bert, do you know any songs?

494. "Camptown Races."

495. I know that song.

496. "Camptown Races" sounds good to me.

497. One, two...

498. You got out of it this time.

499. I did?

500. She's singing "Camptown Races" with a guy who carves soap.

501. Come on, she's just being a good guest.

502. What, are you sticking up for her?

503. I'm not sticking up for her. Are you?

504. No. I'm not sticking up for her.

505. She's just trying to be a guest, look—

506. We're having an argument about Mimi Rogers.

507. Mimi Rogers. Isn't that ridiculous? Yes.

508. That's exactly my point.

509. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna flirt anymore on television, anywhere else.

510. On television

511. and anywhere.

512. (chuckling) I love you very much.

513. Thank you.

514. Thank you. We'll just take it one day at a time.

515. Thank you, all. I hope you enjoyed tonight's show.

516. And I'll see you tomorrow night.

517. My guests will be Boyz II Men, Danny DeVito,

518. and, uh, oh! Michelle Pfeiffer.

519. Michelle Pfeiffer?