The Larry Sanders Show 1x5

1. You folks see that flashing sign up there?

2. Now that sign says "applesauce."

3. No, no, no, no.

4. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

5. Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

6. All right.

7. Now remember,

8. you're all a big part of the show,

9. so the better you are, the better Larry is.

10. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

11. He's giving me this sign and it says,

12. "We're on in 10 seconds,

13. so get ready to have a good time."

14. All right, here we go.

15. This is exciting, isn't it?

16. In five,

17. four, three, two...

18. Live, on tape from Hollywood,

19. "The Larry Sanders Show."

20. Tonight, join Larry and his guests

21. Anjelica Huston, the Black Crowes

22. and comedian Jeff Cesario.

23. And now, because he couldn't find the exit door,

24. Larry Sanders!

25. Thank you very much. Welcome.

26. Welcome. Welcome.

27. Welcome. Thank you.

28. Thank you. Good evening.

29. Thank you. Thank you.

30. Mike Tyson was quoted

31. as saying in an interview last week

32. that, quote, "I'm in love with myself."

33. Sorry, girls.

34. That's it.

35. That's that joke.

36. The United States Post Office

37. has decided to use both Elvis stamps.

38. Did you know this, by the way? No, I did not.

39. I just discovered this. They're using the young Elvis stamp

40. for a standard mail, and the old Elvis stamp

41. for packages over 300 pounds.

42. We have a wonderful show tonight—

43. Anjelica Huston, the Black Crowes, Jeff Cesario.

44. To Artie, get well soon, who's watching at home—

45. our producer Artie. Don't flip around, anybody.

46. We'll be right back. No flipping.

47. Now are you headed for the long run?

48. 'Cause I'm amazed by these people who are married, like, 60, 70 years.

49. They stay married forever. The only time you hear about it—

50. when somebody passes away. Like the wife, married 70 years—

51. she'll pass away. Yeah.

52. And then, like a week later, the husband dies. Oh, yeah.

53. And everybody always says, "That's love."

54. Well, maybe it's love. Maybe she just didn't tell him

55. where she put his medication.

56. Very funny. Very funny stuff tonight.

57. Thanks, Larry. Oh, gee.

58. Uh, I guess we're out of time.

59. I hope you'll come back again sometime.

60. Anytime. Thanks for having me.

61. Oh, it's a pleasure. Jeff Cesario.

62. And I want to say again to Artie,

63. who I know is watching, our producer, "Get well soon."

64. Artie had that emergency appendectomy.

65. And he'll be back very soon, I hope.

66. Yes, Arthur, come back soon.

67. We miss your cigar smoke in the hallway.

68. I would like to quickly introduce

69. our producer who's been standing in for Artie—

70. Jonathan Litman, my good friend.

71. Come on out here a second, say hello.

72. Jonathan, you're doing a wonderful job. Thank you.

73. I just wanted to thank you. How long have we known each other now?

74. Oh, I don't know.

75. 1980, at BBC when you came over...

76. That's right. That's right.

77. We're wrapped for time.

78. So stay tuned...

79. Horseshit. Not once in six years

80. did he ever invite me up on the stage.

81. Horseshit.

82. ¿Qué qué?

83. ¿Cómo se dice horseshit? ¿Caballo caca?

84. Huh-uh, caca de caballo. Eso.

85. Tienes que tomar la medicina.

86. Qué pasa with Jeff Cesario sitting with a panel

87. first time he's up there as a stand-up?

88. Jesus, es muy malo.

89. That's a very bad precedent.

90. Uh, uh, uh.

91. Come on, a little tequila.

92. No, tequila no.

93. Nina, don't you see

94. my show is being taken over by a guy

95. that looks and sounds like Vanessa Redgrave?

96. Come on.

97. Okay.

98. But David Letterman,

99. por favor.

100. Okay.

101. Really, very, very funny show last night.

102. Thank you. What was your favorite part?

103. Oh, I love that part where you go and walk into—

104. Hey, Larry. Great audience last night.

105. Yeah, it was, Phil.

106. What's with Phil's fucking nose?

107. Excuse me, Larry. Larry.

108. Sam Fitzgerald, the new head of late-night programming.

109. Oh, Sam, hi. Nice to meet you.

110. Hey, what happened to Melanie Parrish? Uh, maternity leave.

111. Gee, I didn't even know she was pregnant.

112. She isn't. Let's just leave it at that, okay?

113. Larry. Oh, hey, Jonathan.

114. I'd like you to meet Sam Fitzgerald of the network.

115. Jonathan. Sam.

116. By the way, the network has read your memo,

117. and the suggestions for the show are very exciting.

118. Thank you, sir. Hey, let's talk about it

119. in my office. Terrific.

120. Hey, Larry, I saw the show last night.

121. Good new ideas.

122. Thank you.

123. Yeah, they were Jonathan's.

124. I had a feeling they were.

125. Jonathan, I'm a big fan of your work.

126. I mean, I love the Cinemax thing you did with Damon Wayans.

127. And that MTV young comedians thing—

128. may I say, you really rocked me.

129. Maybe you're too easily rocked, Sam.

130. So, Larry, when are we gonna implement

131. some of the points Jonathan brought up in the memo?

132. Well— I've been asking Larry the same thing.

133. Larry?

134. I think they are good ideas.

135. I think we should just consider them one at a time.

136. You know, Sam, too much change too soon

137. isn't good for the system. You know that.

138. Well, with Carson gone now, it's anybody's race.

139. I agree with Sam.

140. Now is the time to really make a move.

141. Look, we can pass Arsenio. We can pass Leno.

142. Gentlemen, this is no time for a pit stop.

143. Does this mean we have to start wearing jumpsuits, Sam?

144. 'Cause I think only Hank has one.

145. Thanks for coming by, Sam.

146. Sure.

147. And, by the way, it goes without saying,

148. this memo is not for general distribution, huh?

149. Oh, Larry, Larry, please. If there is one thing I'm known for,

150. it's my complete discretion. Okay, yeah, good.

151. Hey, what really happened to Melanie Parrish, by the way?

152. Well, you didn't get this from me, but her live-in boyfriend left

153. and she tried to kill herself with an overdose of Halcion.

154. Wow, is that right?

155. She's okay.

156. Let's just leave it at that, okay?

157. Boy, oh, boy.

158. She wasn't pregnant then.

159. This business will do that to you.

160. I got the memo.

161. Score-mandu.

162. Niceness. How did you get it, man?

163. It was right on Larry's desk,

164. right in a folder, under some papers,

165. in a drawer that was locked.

166. It was finding the key that was a bitch.

167. "Number one: New graphics." They did that.

168. "Number two: There's no reason first-time stand-ups can't do panel.

169. "Number three: The guitar player's chronic marijuana abuse is a problem.

170. Must do something about that."

171. What's—? They're taking that shit seriously.

172. What else is in there?

173. Here we go. Here we go. "As far as the writing's concerned,

174. "the monologues are getting soft and predictable like Leno's.

175. Of all the writers, Phil seems to be the man to take control of this."

176. Oh, "Phil seems to be the man to take control.

177. "Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment

178. "runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile.

179. My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back."

180. Oh, right.

181. You know, Larry is just the kind of asshole

182. to read that and believe it.

183. Yeah, the memo's way off.

184. Social maladjustment— what the hell does that mean?

185. You know, now I'm sorry

186. I made copies of this for everybody.

187. Come on, the memo didn't say anything bad about you, Darlene.

188. No, but, you know, it said— it said—

189. it said, "As far as Hank is concerned,

190. "the show could certainly benefit from a sidekick

191. who skews more towards a younger audience."

192. Hank is very sensitive about his age.

193. He's only 34.

194. Hank is not 34, Darlene.

195. Shh! What?

196. How did you find out?

197. Anyway, whatever age he is,

198. he isn't that much older than Larry.

199. Look, right here,

200. "Darlene is the most competent person in the office."

201. I didn't see that.

202. It's not actually here.

203. Oh.

204. But it should be, yeah.

205. That is great. Okay, stay tuned.

206. We'll talk more about the book

207. "Shirts Come in All Colors."

208. Clear!

209. What are you doing?

210. I was gonna move the plant.

211. Well, why are you moving it now?

212. First Arthur tells me to put more plants on the set.

213. Uh-huh. Now I hear from this memo

214. that there's too many plants on the set.

215. The memo. Listen, Mr. Sanders,

216. if you don't like the job I do on any particular plant,

217. just tell me to my face.

218. This is, by the way— I went through the same shit

219. once with Sajak.

220. Uh, I'm gonna get right to the point.

221. The reason I called you here

222. is because I know there's this memo going around,

223. and I'm pretty pissed off about it

224. because it wasn't supposed to get around.

225. This memo does not reflect

226. how I feel about things,

227. and I disagree with the things on that memo.

228. Like what? Like what?

229. I don't have the memo committed to memory.

230. All right?

231. Who— somebody have a copy?

232. No. Uh-huh.

233. All right, okay, I can see what's going on.

234. Okay, I'll turn around

235. and somebody put the memo in front of me.

236. Very funny. Very fucking funny.

237. Okay, this thing about the plants—

238. let's start there. I don't agree with that.

239. I think you can never have enough vegetation. Ask Sting.

240. What about in the monologue, the jokes being soft and predictable?

241. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm late. What's up?

242. Oh my god, we've been canceled.

243. No, we are talking about something else.

244. We have not been canceled.

245. Oh, what is it? We're—

246. Is Artie dead?

247. Go ahead. Go ahead, I can take it.

248. Jesus.

249. We're discussing the memo, Hank.

250. What memo?

251. Don't act dumb.

252. That's an insult.

253. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo.

254. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

255. All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know about it.

256. They'll tell you about it.

257. Tell him about the memo.

258. "Did Artie die?"

259. Do you believe this shit?

260. Excuse me, Jonathan.

261. Larry, Diane here has convinced me

262. that as far as the carpet's concerned,

263. we really ought to go with something more direct.

264. Listen, Jonathan, we have a situation here.

265. I know, Larry, I know. Excuse me, Diane.

266. How did this happen? That memo was in my desk,

267. in a folder, under some papers,

268. in a drawer that was locked.

269. What, do I need a fucking security camera?

270. Yeah, I covered that on page three of the memo.

271. Yeah, well, maybe I should get one before I get shot.

272. Oh, come on. Larry, Larry, Larry,

273. can you just relax? Relax?

274. Relax. Relax? My entire staff is paranoid.

275. They all think they're gonna be replaced.

276. So? So?

277. Yeah, so maybe they'll have to work a little bit harder.

278. Maybe the show will become a little bit funnier.

279. Who knows? Maybe the fucking coffee

280. will become a little bit hotter.

281. You know, Larry, from my own experience,

282. fear is a great motivator.

283. Yeah, well, I don't think I want people to fear me, Jonathan.

284. Respect me— fine. Think I'm attractive

285. and a great dancer— fine.

286. But let's draw the line there, okay?

287. Okay, okay, okay. Do me a favor.

288. Do me a favor. Why don't you let this whole thing

289. just play itself out, okay?

290. I mean, do you really think

291. people are working as hard as they can around here?

292. Larry, do you really think

293. you're getting the respect that you deserve?

294. Huh? Oh, come on.

295. Answer me, Larry.

296. All right, look, we'll play it out,

297. but Artie cannot find out about this.

298. Oh, come on. Artie.

299. Especially the plant thing. That greenery balance on the set

300. has been one of his pet projects for years.

301. You gotta promise me it doesn't get back to him.

302. "Visually, the guests get lost in all the plants.

303. "It's like a jungle out there.

304. "Sometimes when I flip past the show on TV,

305. it looks like an old Tarzan movie."

306. Horseshit.

307. Horseshit.

308. Eso.

309. This isn't about those plants.

310. This is about me.

311. I am those plants, goddamn it.

312. Cabrón.

313. Hijo de chingada.

314. Good morning.

315. What have you heard?

316. About what?

317. Good.

318. It's being contained.

319. They are cleaning house. No one is safe.

320. What? Shh, shh, shh.

321. Phone the agent.

322. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

323. Sid Bessell, please. Hank Kingsley calling.

324. "... I will fear no evil, for Thou art my rod and my—"

325. Sid.

326. Sid, Jonathan Litman

327. is taking over "The Sanders Show."

328. He hates my work. Don't you remember?

329. He fired me from that QE2 Fourth of July special.

330. Protect me, Sid. Come on, protect me.

331. This goes no further. Where was I?

332. "For Thou art my rod..."

333. "... and my staff. Thou makest me

334. to lay down in green pastures."

335. Larry.

336. Darlene, I can't see Hank now.

337. Hank would like to— oh.

338. Yeah?

339. I can't, not right now.

340. Want to see me? No.

341. No? No.

342. What the hell is going on? Sorry.

343. What is it? The memo?

344. The ideas contained in that memo

345. are not my ideas, Hank.

346. I do not happen to think we need a younger sidekick.

347. Thank you.

348. What is that?

349. What, you mean this? Yeah.

350. You mean the earring? The earring.

351. Oh, I've had this. I've had this for, oh golly, some time now.

352. Bullshit. You've gotten an earring

353. to make yourself look younger.

354. Oh, no. Oh.

355. What have you done to your nipples?

356. Hey now. Let me see.

357. No. Come on, let me see.

358. Oh, oh, oh, sit down. Sit down, Hank.

359. What? What's wrong?

360. Uh-oh. What's wrong?

361. Hank. What?

362. Look that way. Look that way.

363. Look up. Look down.

364. Did that loosen you up? How does that feel? Good.

365. Oh, boy. Hey.

366. Does this hurt? Yes.

367. Oh, boy. Where did you get this done, Hank?

368. Well— Well, you know, was it in a sterile environment?

369. Look that way.

370. Boy, very swollen and reddish, Hank.

371. Really? Whew.

372. And the left ear is the gay ear, by the way. Did you know that?

373. It is? Uh-huh.

374. And when you wear it low on the lobe like that, Hank,

375. it means you're catching, not pitching.

376. You know, I had a friend who was allergic to base metal.

377. Got a really bad infection, lost about 90% of his hearing.

378. Yeah? Oh, Hank, that looks very pus-ey.

379. What kind of metal did they use, do you know?

380. I gotta go.

381. Oh, I'm sure it's fine. Hank, I like it.

382. Hank, keep it.

383. Yeah? Keep it? Yeah.

384. All right. Boy, oh, boy, don't hide it.

385. Be proud. Catching, not pitching.

386. All right.

387. Call me an ambulance.

388. Close that door.

389. Arthur, what are you doing here?

390. I'm preparing to say goodbye.

391. Oh, no, no. Come on, come on, come on.

392. It's Demerol, you ass, and tequila.

393. It's a good mix, mmm!

394. Heard about the memo, huh?

395. Are you kidding?

396. You think there's anything that goes on around here that I don't know about?

397. If somebody farts in the Xerox room, I've heard about it.

398. Listen, nothing gets by me— nothing.

399. What the hell is in your ear?

400. Earring. Well, get rid of it, for god's sake.

401. I can't. Larry likes it.

402. He says he wants me to keep it.

403. Artie, I think it's infected.

404. I can hear something inside my head.

405. I guarantee you there's nothing in there, Hank.

406. Here, drink this. No, thanks.

407. No, I got a show tonight. And I'm obviously gonna be

408. under a massive program of antibiotics.

409. Drink it, or I'll knock you down on the floor,

410. I'll put my foot on your neck

411. and I'll piss in that good ear.

412. Na zdorovie. Hey.

413. Ay, chihuahua!

414. Hank. Yeah?

415. Never get sick.

416. If there's one cardinal rule in show business,

417. it's never get sick. It's when you're down,

418. when you show the slightest weakness,

419. that they slip that knife in your back.

420. Darlene, I'm feeling better,

421. so just cancel that ambulance.

422. Artie, Artie,

423. you think, you think you're really out?

424. Of course I'm out.

425. Jesus, Artie, if you're out, we're all out.

426. Ha!

427. I have to admire that little Iago,

428. Jonathan Litman.

429. You know, he played it brilliantly.

430. Artie, I want you to be honest with me.

431. I'm gonna ask you something of a very, very personal nature.

432. Oh, go right ahead. No, no, please hear me out.

433. I've never said anything like this to another human being.

434. So okay, I'm just gonna say it, okay?

435. Artie,

436. do you think I skew

437. to an older demographic?

438. It's all bullshit.

439. This is just change for the sake of change.

440. It's endemic in Hollywood. It has nothing to do

441. with the way any of us do our jobs.

442. It's flavor of the month and—

443. Hank, what the hell are you doing?

444. I'm sorry.

445. That's the way this town runs.

446. Competence,

447. professionalism, loyalty—

448. they're not words in Hollywood vocabulary.

449. Artie, what's gonna happen to me?

450. Hmph, it's too sad to even think about.

451. Oh, god.

452. Regis Philbin.

453. Come on, Artie, Regis Philbin— he came back.

454. Is that what you want to do?

455. You want to sit there while Kathie Lee

456. prattles on in your good ear

457. about how Frank hates to change

458. Cody's poopy diapers?

459. Oh.

460. Fuck me.

461. Hello, you worthless piece of shit.

462. Oh, don't worry about us. We have options.

463. Does the name Sally Jessy Raphael mean anything to you?

464. Sally Jessy Raphael?

465. Yeah, "Cousins We'll Fuck" is the first topic.

466. Oh, I see. Uh-huh.

467. Arthur, you shouldn't be up. You just had surgery.

468. Ah, but that knife was wielded

469. by a relative stranger.

470. You're as young as you feel—

471. that's what they say.

472. Jesus, Artie, what— you got Hank drunk?

473. Hank's his own man. He does whatever he wants.

474. Sit down there, Hank.

475. Yes, sir. Oh, please,

476. please let me take this earring out.

477. I can't hardly see.

478. And the infection is going right to my optic nerve, Larry.

479. Who fucking cares about your fucking eye?

480. He wouldn't fucking care

481. if that infection ran right in— straight into your brain

482. swelling it to such a grotesque size

483. that the skull burst like a ripe honeydew melon.

484. I saw a case like this in Korea once, yeah.

485. I mean, it was a horrible, painful way to die.

486. Oh, the screams still haunt me.

487. So where is your friend now, huh?

488. Yeah. Yeah.

489. Yeah. The whiz kid.

490. I've put up with such shit from this memo.

491. This— you— you— get off it!

492. You just couldn't wait to get that butthole buddy of yours in here,

493. because you don't want anybody in here who will challenge you!

494. That— You don't want anybody—

495. you just want people that fear

496. and suck up to you.

497. Artie, could we please

498. talk about this at another time?

499. I think you've been drinking

500. and you're under medication.

501. And, Artie, I put up with enough of that from the writers, don't I?

502. There won't be another occasion, sonny boy,

503. 'cause I quit. This is fucking nuts.

504. Ha! Is it now?

505. We look like nuts to you?

506. I'm fairly satisfied...

507. Hank just threw up in my wastebasket.

508. And Artie had a drunken tantrum. He thinks he's out.

509. Really? Yeah, and he thinks

510. we're hiring you to take his place.

511. Is that right? That's right.

512. What I need is, I need you, Jonathan, to come with me right now.

513. We're gonna find Artie and we're gonna tell him

514. you are not interested in taking his job.

515. Sam, I'd like you to go with me.

516. I don't know that we can do that, Larry.

517. Larry, I think Sam's reluctance

518. to placate Arthur is based on his knowledge of my—

519. and this is a somewhat embarrassing admission—

520. but my

521. enthusiastic and aggressive interest

522. in taking his job and producing this show.

523. Are you serious?

524. Larry, we at the network love the direction

525. the show's taken the last couple of weeks.

526. Oh, hold it. Okay, I can see what's happening.

527. I'm the schmuck in this story, aren't I?

528. I'm just saying that we would not be unhappy

529. if Jonathan were to take over as producer of the show.

530. When you say "us," you mean the network?

531. Yeah.

532. You mean the entire network?

533. Uh-huh.

534. Sheldon is behind this 100%.

535. He is? Yeah.

536. Call him, if you think we're lying.

537. You know,

538. Sheldon and I are really close.

539. Okay, we're lying.

540. Hi, Jeannie honey,

541. I'll be home around 8:00, okay?

542. All right, just wanted to let you know.

543. Love you too. Bye.

544. All right, Larry, I suppose

545. we did make one slight little tactical error.

546. We did not have you on board from the very beginning.

547. But I have to say, my most egregious mistake

548. was overlooking our friendship

549. in my somewhat lusty pursuit of this job.

550. Okay, I admit it.

551. Have I ever told you, John,

552. I can't stand the way you talk?

553. Well...

554. I think—

555. I think we're done here.

556. I don't think you want to read that. What is this?

557. "One of Sanders' weaknesses...

558. "is that he doesn't have a stable of beloved characters

559. "à la Carnac,

560. Aunt Blabby, etcetera."

561. Don't read it.

562. Obviously, you guys don't know about my Chinese weather man.

563. "It's fleezing. It's fleezing."

564. Yeah, Elaine and I are gonna buy

565. that place we always dreamed about

566. in Puerto Vallarta.

567. Sitting on a veranda

568. over the blue Pacific,

569. watching the sun set,

570. counting pelicans.

571. Artie, just hear me out about this.

572. You know, I— I can't do this show without you.

573. I don't want to do this show without you.

574. You're the reason that I'm here, 'cause you've trusted me,

575. you've had faith in me right from the beginning.

576. That's right.

577. Like the first week,

578. when you couldn't hold down solid food.

579. Remember you held my head?

580. I don't want some new guy holding my head.

581. Hey, thanks.

582. Remember that day

583. when we spent the entire morning

584. readjusting these damn plants?

585. Hey, this— you are the one—

586. you wanted these plants. Yeah.

587. But then you got upset. You got upset

588. because you said you couldn't see

589. the Hollywood sign or the sunset.

590. Well, you know— well, sunrise.

591. Sunset. It's a nighttime show.

592. No, but it's the sunrise. We're facing East. West.

593. So it's actually the sun rising. West.

594. You considered that stuck-up little shit, didn't you?

595. I had every right

596. to consider him, Artie.

597. Damn right you did.

598. I taught you well.

599. Artie, come on, what do you think?

600. I just would dump someone I love

601. just because some new good-looking guy comes along?

602. You know, I'm always telling you how funny you are

603. and how well your clothes fit

604. and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants.

605. I don't do that because I have to.

606. I do it because...

607. I love you, you bastard.

608. I don't want you to see me like this.

609. So you're gonna stay, right?

610. Okay.

611. Thanks, thanks. Hey, Larr.

612. Hey, Morty. I'll see you soon.

613. You know Robert Morton?

614. Yeah, how could I forget him?

615. Co-exec producer for the Letterman show, right?

616. Yeah, we're having lunch today.

617. Oh, yeah.

618. Artie, it is just lunch. Uh-huh.

619. Come on, we're just having lunch, I swear to god.

620. Great to see you, Morty. It's great to see you.

621. How are you? Thanks for having me.

622. Sure, sure. Great, thank you.

623. Hey, you know my producer Artie. Sure. Hi, Artie.

624. Morty, how are you doing? I'm fine, thanks.

625. Man, you guys sure have

626. a lot of fucking plants on this set.