1. And Larry will be out
in one minute.Copy !req
2. Now, uh, you folks see
that flashing sign up there?Copy !req
3. Now, that sign
says "Applesauce."Copy !req
4. (audience laughs)
No, no, no, no,
I— I— I'm kidding.Copy !req
5. It says "Applause."Copy !req
6. Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?Copy !req
7. All right.Copy !req
8. Now remember, you're all—
you're all a big partCopy !req
9. of the show,
so the better you are,Copy !req
10. the better Larry is.Copy !req
11. Okay, now you see
this gentleman?Copy !req
12. Now, he's giving me the s—
uh, the sign and it saysCopy !req
13. "We're on in 10 seconds,"Copy !req
14. so get ready to
have a good time.Copy !req
15. All right, here we go.Copy !req
16. This is exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
17. Man : In five, four,
three, two...Copy !req
18. Live on tape from Hollywood,Copy !req
19. "The Larry Sanders Show."Copy !req
20. Tonight, join Larry
and his guestsCopy !req
21. Jon Lovitz, Lyle Lovett,
Steve Duchesne, and me,Copy !req
22. Hey now! Hank Kingsley.Copy !req
23. And now because we've tried it
with just the desk,Copy !req
24. and it really isn't the same,
Larry Sanders!Copy !req
25. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.Copy !req
26. Thank you.Copy !req
27. Thank you very much.Copy !req
28. Welcome, welcome.Copy !req
29. Thanks again for, uh,
tuning in tonight.Copy !req
30. You are a— a—
a great crowd.Copy !req
31. Was it hot enough here
in Los Angeles for you?Copy !req
32. It was about, uh...
Yes!Copy !req
33. Well, I live in the Valley.Copy !req
34. It was about 110.
I don't know.Copy !req
35. My dog ran by
and burst into flames.Copy !req
36. It was one of those.Copy !req
37. And rolled to put himself out
'cause he read the pamphletsCopy !req
38. they pass out to dogs.Copy !req
39. A new government study,
uh, announced today—Copy !req
40. I don't know if you saw it—
that a vasectomy—Copy !req
41. which by the way,
I have never gottenCopy !req
42. because who wants to be
in a cast for six weeks?Copy !req
43. And then, you know,
everybody wants to sign it.Copy !req
44. It's embarrassing.Copy !req
45. A vasectomy, uh,
is, uh, supposed toCopy !req
46. lower your risk of actually
transmitting sexual diseases.Copy !req
47. The next option is
a bad haircut.Copy !req
48. Also, yesterday Christie's,
the, uh, auction houseCopy !req
49. in New York, auctioned off a—
this is absolutely true—Copy !req
50. a 150-year-old condom,Copy !req
51. and it was bought
by a man who paid $6,300,Copy !req
52. but was still
so embarrassed,Copy !req
53. he also bought
an $8,000 toothpaste tubeCopy !req
54. and $5,000 pack
of Raisinets.Copy !req
55. We have Jon Lovitz,
Lyle Lovett,Copy !req
56. and Steve Duchesne.Copy !req
57. Don't flip around.Copy !req
58. We'll be right back.
Do not flip around.Copy !req
59. Okay.
You— you're well-padded, so
I think you'll be all right.Copy !req
60. You know, I— I am
exceptionally well-padded
and insured.Copy !req
61. (chuckles)
So let's get down to this.Copy !req
62. All right.
I'm a big hockey fanCopy !req
63. and this is kind of, uh—
Want me to help you?Copy !req
64. And yet, I've never everCopy !req
65. played hockey
in my life, so...Copy !req
66. Now...
(grunts)Copy !req
67. You wouldn't know that
to look at me though.Copy !req
68. I grew up in, uh...Copy !req
69. Okay, here we go.
Just...
Watch your head.Copy !req
70. help me with that.
All right.Copy !req
71. Now...Copy !req
72. Thank you.Copy !req
73. This is actually
the same outfitCopy !req
74. you wear to drive in LA.
(chuckles)Copy !req
75. Put your glove out
to the side.Copy !req
76. There you go.
Just like that.Copy !req
77. Okay?
No, you're putting me off.Copy !req
78. Here we go.
(drum roll)Copy !req
79. Oh!Copy !req
80. The audience loved it.
Just great.Copy !req
81. Props.Copy !req
82. I'll take the cup off
by myself.Copy !req
83. About tomorrow's show...
Yeah?Copy !req
84. Carol Burnett called.Copy !req
85. Her writers have come upCopy !req
86. with a cunning little
sketch for you two.
Great!Copy !req
87. I always wanted to do
a sketch with Carol Burnett.Copy !req
88. And a sketch you will do.
Good.Copy !req
89. That's great.Copy !req
90. You need some help there?
No, I got it.Copy !req
91. And we've scheduled
The Bug Man.Copy !req
92. What kind of bugs
is he bringing?Copy !req
93. Oh, he's only bringing
two spiders.
What?Copy !req
94. Two spiders.
Spiders?Copy !req
95. He calls it
The Tarantula Arm Races.Copy !req
96. He takes a dead fly,Copy !req
97. puts it on your head
comme ca,Copy !req
98. then he puts spiders
on each arm.
Yeah.Copy !req
99. Sit very stillCopy !req
100. while the spiders race
up to your head.Copy !req
101. (sighs)
Give it to me again?Copy !req
102. A dead fly
Yeah.Copy !req
103. on head comme ca,
Yeah.Copy !req
104. sit very still,
Uh-huh.Copy !req
105. spiders race, arms, head.
One more time.Copy !req
106. Dead fly comme ca, spiders—
No, I-I— I'm not sure
about this, Artie.Copy !req
107. Oh, come on.
What?Copy !req
108. Two minutes ago,
you were willing to takeCopy !req
109. a puck to the nuts.Copy !req
110. Now you're crying
over a couple of bugs.
Well, I'm not crying over it.Copy !req
111. Oh, you don't want to do it.Copy !req
112. I didn't say that.
Come on.Copy !req
113. Come on, Larry.Copy !req
114. This is a showbiz tradition.Copy !req
115. Gigantic, fuzzy insects
crawling on your body,Copy !req
116. lions crapping in your lap.
It's great television.Copy !req
117. You know, I'm—
It'll be hilarious
doing this!Copy !req
118. I'll think about it.Copy !req
119. Huge laughs.Copy !req
120. I gotta go.Copy !req
121. Huge laughs.
I gotta go!Copy !req
122. Huge rolling
in the aisle laughter.
(laughs loudly)Copy !req
123. All right, I'll do it.Copy !req
124. Good!Copy !req
125. Get out of here,
you big successful
talk show host. Ha!Copy !req
126. Oh, where—
where you going, Larry?Copy !req
127. Oh, will you stop
with the spiders already?Copy !req
128. Wh— what do you think,
they're gonna go
on your show tomorrowCopy !req
129. and they're gonna crawl
up your arm,Copy !req
130. and then bite your eyes
so you go blind?
Yeah.Copy !req
131. And then they're gonna
just crawl in your earCopy !req
132. and lay eggs,
and they're gonna
hatch and build, like,Copy !req
133. this big Santa Fe style,
you know, Spanish adobe
house of hair,Copy !req
134. then you'll be jealous
because you can't
live there, right?Copy !req
135. Then you're gonna want
to go to therapy, and he'll
talk about it for yearsCopy !req
136. about why he can't move
into his own head.Copy !req
137. By the time
you're figured out,Copy !req
138. the spiders will have
eaten your brain up.Copy !req
139. There'll be nothing left.
I mean, what's the point?Copy !req
140. You want another espresso?Copy !req
141. No please.Copy !req
142. No.Copy !req
143. You know why you don't relate
to the spider thing isCopy !req
144. you've never had anything
big an hairy crawlin'Copy !req
145. all over you, have you?Copy !req
146. Nn...Copy !req
147. the night is young.Copy !req
148. Ow!Copy !req
149. Listen, thanks for dinner.
I'll pay for it next time.Copy !req
150. Oh, funny.Copy !req
151. Oh, and— and listen,
all kidding aside,Copy !req
152. don't worry about
those tarantulas, all right?Copy !req
153. They're— they're just
the deadliest spider
known to man.Copy !req
154. Oh, you're such a jerk.
Yeah.Copy !req
155. Yeah, I'm jerking my way
to the bank.Copy !req
156. (chuckles)
Watch your step.Copy !req
157. I mean career-wise.Copy !req
158. That was fun.Copy !req
159. Honey, I didn't get a word in
edgewise all night.Copy !req
160. All I said was,
"No more coffee."Copy !req
161. Yeah, why did you just
interrupt us like that?Copy !req
162. We were in the middle
of a big roll, honey.
Honey.Copy !req
163. Honey, you know,
this is reallyCopy !req
164. not my idea
of a fun time,Copy !req
165. uh, having a comedy club
in my own home.Copy !req
166. Are you saying that 'cause
you watered down the drinks?Copy !req
167. Funny, honey.
That's what—Copy !req
168. Come on, we gotta go
see Lovitz on the show.Copy !req
169. Honey, I don't want to watch
Lovitz on the show, you know?Copy !req
170. Jeez. You know,
I hope one of those spidersCopy !req
171. bites you tomorrow night.Copy !req
172. Now— now— now—
now you're hurting me.
(huffs)Copy !req
173. Why are you hurting me?
You know that I—Copy !req
174. I'm afraid of spiders.
Well, yeah? Then why are
you doing the stupidCopy !req
175. spider stunt on your show?
I'll tell you why.Copy !req
176. Because you guys will do
anything for a laugh.
Oh, that is not true.Copy !req
177. Yes, it is.
Then why are you doing it?Copy !req
178. Because it'll be funny.Copy !req
179. You are so
amazingly impossible.
I'm sorry!Copy !req
180. It's just that I get—
Okay, look, when
I get frightened,Copy !req
181. I babble.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
182. Well, honey, you don't
have to do this, I mean,Copy !req
183. if you don't want to do it.
It's your show.Copy !req
184. You don't have to.
Yeah, but it's more
than just my show, honey.Copy !req
185. It's something don't you think
I should do for myself?
Well...Copy !req
186. It's pretty silly.
Okay, all right,
so let me get this straight.Copy !req
187. You're willing to
confront your fears
if it's in frontCopy !req
188. of 20 million people
and for a laugh?
Uh-huh. Oh, okay.Copy !req
189. So, um, can we start a familyCopy !req
190. if I have the baby
at the Greek Theatre?Copy !req
191. Huh?Copy !req
192. (gasps)
It's...Copy !req
193. It's a sock.Copy !req
194. But it's in the shape
of a spider, honey.Copy !req
195. Larry?Copy !req
196. You have rehearsal with
Carol Burnett in five minutes.
Huh? Okay.Copy !req
197. I have the, uh, proofs to
the new publicity shots.Copy !req
198. Wanna look at them
now or later?
Huh? No, later.Copy !req
199. Okay.
Kay?Copy !req
200. No, I'll look at 'em now.Copy !req
201. You know what? Later.Copy !req
202. Okay.Copy !req
203. Here you are.Copy !req
204. Are you okay?
Huh? Yeah.Copy !req
205. Are you afraid of anything?Copy !req
206. Mm... intimacy.Copy !req
207. Anything more
you wanna tell me?
No.Copy !req
208. Okay, thanks.
You've been a big help.Copy !req
209. Well, I'm also deathly
afraid of flying.
Really?Copy !req
210. Yeah.
Now, how do you overcome it?Copy !req
211. Tranquilizers.Copy !req
212. You're kidding.Copy !req
213. You have any?Copy !req
214. No.Copy !req
215. You have a rehearsal
with Carol in three minutes.
Oh, come on. What are you—Copy !req
216. No.
What were they, Xanaxes?Copy !req
217. No.
Valiums?Copy !req
218. No.
Halcions?Copy !req
219. You— Two minutes with Carol.Copy !req
220. Were they, uh, 'ludes? Uppers?Copy !req
221. What were they? Come on.
Now you got one.Copy !req
222. (door closes)
Were they Res?Copy !req
223. Okay, everybody,
once more from the top please.Copy !req
224. Let's start
with Larry's entrance.Copy !req
225. And...Copy !req
226. Shit.Copy !req
227. Me Tarzan, you Jane.Copy !req
228. That's Miss Jane to you.Copy !req
229. It's your line, Larry.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
230. I'm sorry.
You okay?Copy !req
231. Where?
Here.Copy !req
232. Yeah, I'm okay.Copy !req
233. I just have some other things
on my mind. Okay.Copy !req
234. You wanna go back?
No.Copy !req
235. Let's go.
Can I have the coconut?Copy !req
236. Let's go where we were.Copy !req
237. Would you like
some coconut juice?Copy !req
238. Let's see how that would
sound in character.Copy !req
239. Sorry.Copy !req
240. Mm, would you like some
coconut—Copy !req
241. Oh, pubic hair on my coconut.Copy !req
242. Uh, that's it, that's it.Copy !req
243. Sexual harassment.
Where's my lawyer?Copy !req
244. Nairobi and Meyers.
On behalf of my client,Copy !req
245. we are filing charges
of sexual misconduct
against you.Copy !req
246. This is a restraining order.Copy !req
247. You shall not come
within 500 yards of my client.Copy !req
248. I don't know
where we are.Copy !req
249. Hey, are we doing the sketch
before the spiders or after?
All right.Copy !req
250. I don't know.
Oh, god, I just saw them.Copy !req
251. Backstage.Copy !req
252. The spiders.Copy !req
253. They're huge.Copy !req
254. They look like big hairy
potatoes with legs in 'em.Copy !req
255. I'm gonna have dreams.Copy !req
256. (huffs)
Excuse me one second, huh?Copy !req
257. Artie?
Hilarious so far!Copy !req
258. Carol said that
the spiders are the size
of fucking potatoes.Copy !req
259. I'm sure Carol never used
the word "fucking."Copy !req
260. Artie, I'm no good
at slapstick comedy
to begin with.Copy !req
261. It's brilliant!
Did you hear me laughing?Copy !req
262. No, I did not
hear you laughing.Copy !req
263. And I'm so concerned
about these spiders,Copy !req
264. I can't even concentrate.
I'm all over the place.
Listen, I— I—Copy !req
265. I can understand that.Copy !req
266. My kids always
loved rolly coasters,Copy !req
267. but I could—
I'd never get on one of 'em.
They're roller coasters.Copy !req
268. Well, call it what you like,
but I'd— I'd never get
on the damn thing.Copy !req
269. God.
Here, want some water?Copy !req
270. This guy is all
over the place.Copy !req
271. I don't know what he's doing.
His timing's a mess.Copy !req
272. He is— He is
all over the place.
He has no time.Copy !req
273. No, no.Copy !req
274. Ugh, that— that voice,
did you hear that
Tarzan voice?Copy !req
275. What was that?
Uh, I think he's trying outCopy !req
276. a new, uh, Lebanese thing.Copy !req
277. You want—
you want out of this?
Wanna get out of this?Copy !req
278. Want me to try to
get you out of this?
They'll give a talk showCopy !req
279. to anybody these days.
Yeah.Copy !req
280. Roller coasters.Copy !req
281. Merry go round.Copy !req
282. Rolly coaster.Copy !req
283. Ro—Copy !req
284. You know, talking to you
is like talking to you.Copy !req
285. I can't go on with this
spider thing, Artie.Copy !req
286. Listen, consider it canceled.Copy !req
287. There must be
something else
we can do.Copy !req
288. Then something else
we shall do.Copy !req
289. Hank, me boy, how goes it?
Hey.Copy !req
290. Let me guess, this is
Quick Light Briquettes, is it?Copy !req
291. Yes, it is.Copy !req
292. Fastest light in the west.Copy !req
293. Fire 'em up, partner.Copy !req
294. Ha. Hank, let me bounce
something off you.Copy !req
295. Bounce away.Copy !req
296. How would you like to do
the spider stunt tonight?Copy !req
297. Are you kidding?Copy !req
298. What?Copy !req
299. No. stunts are
Larry's territory.Copy !req
300. Hank Kingsley
shall not trespass.Copy !req
301. There's no problem.Copy !req
302. Larry himself wants you
to handle the stunt.Copy !req
303. He said this?
Just moments ago.Copy !req
304. Uh, could you...Copy !req
305. Thank you.Copy !req
306. Um, this isn't happeningCopy !req
307. because, well, Larry knows
I'm unhappy, is it?Copy !req
308. You're unhappy?Copy !req
309. Oh, no, no, no.
Not at— not at all.Copy !req
310. It's I'm always looking
for opportunitiesCopy !req
311. to, uh, showcase
my— my versatility.Copy !req
312. Not that I've made
a stink about it,Copy !req
313. because I am not
a-a— a squeaky wheel.Copy !req
314. You know that.
It has nothing to do
with you, Hank.Copy !req
315. Larry's decision was
motivated purely by...Copy !req
316. other factors.Copy !req
317. I hear ya.
I hear ya, and...Copy !req
318. well, I am— I am
very happy to do this.Copy !req
319. I'm— I am, I am.
I'm very happy to do this.Copy !req
320. Good, Hank!Copy !req
321. You're pleased,
I'm pleased,Copy !req
322. Larry will be very pleased.Copy !req
323. Thanks, pal!
Oh, thank you!Copy !req
324. Uh, Arthur?Copy !req
325. The hat?Copy !req
326. Carol wants to
cancel the sketch.Copy !req
327. Why?
Because she thinks it sucks.Copy !req
328. She's right.Copy !req
329. Cancel it.
Okay.Copy !req
330. Between you and me,
I'm relieved.Copy !req
331. I didn't even— Uh, I thought
I looked like an idiotCopy !req
332. in that loincloth.Copy !req
333. Between you and me,
I think I saw your balls
at one point.Copy !req
334. (laughs)
That's the only laugh
I got, I think.Copy !req
335. I'm not good at that broad
physical comedy, at all.Copy !req
336. Oh, no, you're great.
No, I'm not.Copy !req
337. Carol, she's good.Copy !req
338. Yeah. She's a pro.Copy !req
339. Artie?Copy !req
340. Did you really see my balls?Copy !req
341. Excuse me, Larry,
Hank would like to
speak with you.Copy !req
342. Oh, for god sakes.
Hank, come in.Copy !req
343. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
344. If— if you and Darlene
are talking, I can
always come back.Copy !req
345. I am not talking to her.
Come in.Copy !req
346. Darlene?
Tell him
why you were here.Copy !req
347. I— I don't remember.Copy !req
348. What can I do for you?Copy !req
349. Well, um, I, um—Copy !req
350. I just— I just wanted
to stop by, and I...Copy !req
351. What is this?Copy !req
352. That's my cup
from the hockey segment.Copy !req
353. I just wanted to
stop by and, uh—Copy !req
354. uh, thank you for, uh,
your trust and your confidenceCopy !req
355. and giving a— a pal
his moment in the sun,Copy !req
356. and I'm not gonna
let you down.Copy !req
357. Hank, you shouldn't be
thanking me.Copy !req
358. No, I have got to thank you.
Listen—Copy !req
359. It— It comes from here.Copy !req
360. My heart.Copy !req
361. In all honesty—
Honesty?Copy !req
362. Honesty?Copy !req
363. Hey, that's what I'm about.Copy !req
364. Uh, the reason that
I, uh, want you to do thisCopy !req
365. instead of me, Hank,
is because, uh,Copy !req
366. I'm afraid of...Copy !req
367. you not getting to do
enough on the showCopy !req
368. and you not getting to
express your unique,Copy !req
369. uh, creativity and flare.Copy !req
370. I'm a little uncomfortable
right now, but...Copy !req
371. My god.Copy !req
372. You're a good man.Copy !req
373. Come on.Copy !req
374. Come on.Copy !req
375. Hank. Hank.Copy !req
376. Hank, please.Copy !req
377. (slaps back)
Hank, please.Copy !req
378. Huh?Copy !req
379. Could you take your top off?
I'm begging you.Copy !req
380. Could you take
your top off, please?Copy !req
381. She wants both of us.
Oh, tremendous.Copy !req
382. Yeah.
She wants to come in here.Copy !req
383. Hey now!
Hey now.Copy !req
384. Uh, listen, uh...Copy !req
385. thought I should
tell you guys...Copy !req
386. I'm doing the spider
thing tonight.Copy !req
387. Anyway, uh, I know we got
a show in about an hour,Copy !req
388. but if you've written
some, uh, you know,Copy !req
389. some funny stuff
for Larry with the spiders,Copy !req
390. well, maybe
you could put a—Copy !req
391. a different, um, uh,
you know, crank on it.Copy !req
392. You know, make it, you know,
make it more my style.Copy !req
393. Oh. Well, yeah,
we'll get right on that.Copy !req
394. Commissary?
What's the soup today?Copy !req
395. Pink chowder.Copy !req
396. Slow.
But— but— but what
we would do isCopy !req
397. Mm-hmm.
We would take your hand
and we'd roll up your sleeveCopy !req
398. Right.
and we'd place him
on your arm.Copy !req
399. Okay.Copy !req
400. And the, uh,
and the trick is, um...Copy !req
401. There— there's no trick.Copy !req
402. Just try to hold
your arm stillCopy !req
403. and not make
any sudden movements.
Okay.Copy !req
404. And I— I won't
get bitten, uh...Copy !req
405. I carry a spider
anti-venom kitCopy !req
406. on my person
at all times.Copy !req
407. Where is that?Copy !req
408. Well, I didn't bring it
with me today.
Now, that's— that's not a...Copy !req
409. No, it's— Don't worry.Copy !req
410. Okay?Copy !req
411. What is that?Copy !req
412. It's a— It's— It's a burn.Copy !req
413. I burned myself on the iron.Copy !req
414. I'm not gonna get bitten?Copy !req
415. Absolutely not.Copy !req
416. But if you should get bitten,Copy !req
417. it'll only hurt for a secondCopy !req
418. unless you're allergic
to spider bites.Copy !req
419. Okay, so how would I know
if I were allergic?Copy !req
420. Well, you'd go to a doctor
and have yourself checked.
Right.Copy !req
421. And if I, you know,
if I were allergic,Copy !req
422. let's say what—
I mean, what, uh,Copy !req
423. what could happen?Copy !req
424. Um...
Oh, my god.Copy !req
425. So, was I wrong?
I mean, Hank really wanted
to do the spider thing.Copy !req
426. What am I gonna say to him?
"No, no, you're not
good enough"?Copy !req
427. "No, I'm better
at it than you"?Copy !req
428. Exactly.Copy !req
429. You know, the audience would
rather see me do it, I think.Copy !req
430. Wouldn't they?Copy !req
431. I hear you,
I hear you.Copy !req
432. It's a very tough decision.
Very tough.Copy !req
433. It's not easy being
on this side of the cue cards.Copy !req
434. I'll show you. Look.
How's this?Copy !req
435. How does this feel?Copy !req
436. Welcome back.
(applause)Copy !req
437. Now, Carol...Copy !req
438. before we—
before we— we move on
Yes, yes.Copy !req
439. to our— our next guest,
tell- talk to me about the—Copy !req
440. uh, the— the signal
that you used to do on...
Oh.Copy !req
441. Or that you still do.
The ear pulling.Copy !req
442. The ear pulling thing
at the end of a show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
443. Yeah, that was— that was
a signal to my grandmotherCopy !req
444. who raised me,
and it, uh, meantCopy !req
445. "Hi. I'm fine.
Right.Copy !req
446. Your check is on the way."Copy !req
447. And and was it always
the same ear?
It's this ear.Copy !req
448. In fact, many moons ago,
uh, something— somebody—Copy !req
449. some journalist
measured this earlobe,
Uh-huh.Copy !req
450. and it is a quarter of an inch
longer than—Copy !req
451. Wow.
Yeah.Copy !req
452. So, you actually have to get
earmuffs at a specialty shop.Copy !req
453. You're so cute.
Oh, I'm delightful, aren't I?Copy !req
454. Yeah.
Okay. We'll be right backCopy !req
455. with, uh, spider expert,
uh, Steve KutcherCopy !req
456. and, uh, Carol Burnett.Copy !req
457. Don't go away.
We'll be right back.Copy !req
458. Clear.Copy !req
459. You know, I really loved
rehearsing that sketch.Copy !req
460. Oh.
I'm sorry
we couldn't get—Copy !req
461. Oh, I am too.
squeeze it in.Copy !req
462. You— You're wonderful
at physical comedy.Copy !req
463. Oh, you know, I love doing,
like, broad physical comedy.
Well, you're great at it.Copy !req
464. You are great.
I wish we could've done it.
Me too.Copy !req
465. I— Well, yeah, I love—Copy !req
466. Maybe you'll come back
another time, maybe
we can do it?Copy !req
467. Well...Copy !req
468. I'll have to check
my schedule.Copy !req
469. Oh, well, sure, sure.Copy !req
470. Well, try and work it in.Copy !req
471. Uh, but if—
if I do, if...Copy !req
472. if we do do it,
maybe you could talkCopy !req
473. to costumes about getting—Copy !req
474. getting you
a longer loincloth.Copy !req
475. I saw your balls.Copy !req
476. What?Copy !req
477. I saw your balls.Copy !req
478. Hank?Copy !req
479. Hank, are you all right?Copy !req
480. Yeah.
Little mop up.Copy !req
481. Listen, this, uh—
this, uh, Steve—Copy !req
482. this spider guy— Please.Copy !req
483. This spider guy, is—
is he on the up and up?Copy !req
484. Don't worry about it, Hank.Copy !req
485. The spiders are real.Copy !req
486. I mean, though
he had some concernCopy !req
487. about an allergic reaction.
And five...Copy !req
488. Welcome back.
We're back with, uh...Copy !req
489. Carol Burnett, and, uh...Copy !req
490. my next guest—
my next guest was the...Copy !req
491. uh, chief spider wrangler
for the movie "Arachnophobia."Copy !req
492. He's brought some friends
along with him.Copy !req
493. Please welcome
spider expert Steve Kutcher.Copy !req
494. Steve Kutcher.
(applause)Copy !req
495. How are you?
Good.Copy !req
496. Well, Steve, I see you brought
your lunch with you.Copy !req
497. So, Steve, nice to see you.
Hi.Copy !req
498. And, uh, I didn't, uh...Copy !req
499. see the movie, but, uh,Copy !req
500. these are tarantulas,
are they?
Tarantulas.Copy !req
501. Yeah, these are some
of my tarantulas
Uh-huh.Copy !req
502. that were used in
"Arachnophobia," and, uh—Copy !req
503. And where do they—
Where are they, uh, from?Copy !req
504. Uh, where do
they come from?Copy !req
505. Well, they're found
in the tropical regions
and desert regions.Copy !req
506. Well, you're— you're—
you're— you're wrong
right there.Copy !req
507. They're clearly found
in plastic boxes.Copy !req
508. I see that.Copy !req
509. I brought some
of my special—Copy !req
510. the— the best spiders
I have here.Copy !req
511. Well, let's, uh...Copy !req
512. take a look and see
what you got.Copy !req
513. Would you mind if I opened up
the lid on this one?Copy !req
514. No. I, uh, I've never
complained about anyoneCopy !req
515. opening up a lid
of anything.Copy !req
516. What can we do with,
uh, this one here?
Well—Copy !req
517. Well, I can actually
demonstrate how—Copy !req
518. how you can control themCopy !req
519. crawling up a person's arm.Copy !req
520. Is that right?
Yes.Copy !req
521. Uh-huh.Copy !req
522. Uh, now, when you
say a person,Copy !req
523. you mean, uh,
they're an— a human being.Copy !req
524. Right, like— like you.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
525. Wrong.Copy !req
526. You mean like Hank.Copy !req
527. We can put the, uh—
that thing on Hank.Copy !req
528. Um...Copy !req
529. wrong.Copy !req
530. Well, come on.
Don't you folks
want to see, uh,Copy !req
531. Hank put that on his—
(applause)Copy !req
532. All right, well, I do too.Copy !req
533. Now— Now—Copy !req
534. Now— Now tell—
Now tell the truth.Copy !req
535. Wouldn't you rather see Larry?Copy !req
536. Well—
(louder applause)Copy !req
537. Wait, wait.Copy !req
538. Yeah.
If you guys are too chicken,Copy !req
539. I'll do it.Copy !req
540. Well—
(applause)Copy !req
541. All right, all right,
then it— Yeah, I am
not a chicken.Copy !req
542. I will—
I will go aheadCopy !req
543. and I will put the spider
on, uh— on my— on my arm.Copy !req
544. What do I— What do
I do here, Steve?Copy !req
545. Larry, you can
take off your jacketCopy !req
546. and come up.
Maybe Carol...Copy !req
547. Would you like to?Copy !req
548. (clears throat)
All right.Copy !req
549. And, uh, and Carol,
you thought I was...Copy !req
550. I thought you were yeller.Copy !req
551. And you— you were
mistakener.Copy !req
552. (laughs)
Yes.Copy !req
553. Now, if you can hold your...Copy !req
554. Okay.
If you can hold
your arm out like this.Copy !req
555. You can do it.Copy !req
556. Can he do it, audience?Copy !req
557. All right.Copy !req
558. I can do this.Copy !req
559. All right, here we go.Copy !req
560. Which— uh, which movies
was he in?Copy !req
561. All right, now—
Okay, why don't you—Copy !req
562. I-I-I— I am going
to look, uh, this way...Copy !req
563. Okay.
and you go ahead,Copy !req
564. and will I feel the, uh—Copy !req
565. Now he's gonna—
Oh, my god.Copy !req
566. Are you gonna—
are you gonna
put this on me?Copy !req
567. Yes.
Hello.Copy !req
568. (laughter)
You can feel it.
He's very lightCopy !req
569. Okay.
and it's moving
along your arm.Copy !req
570. Okay.Copy !req
571. And, uh, you see— is it—
Well, now I can barely—Copy !req
572. This is not so bad.
I— I can barely feel him.Copy !req
573. I'll make him go up your arm.
He's crawling.
Is he crawling up me?Copy !req
574. He's crawling.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
575. You can look.Copy !req
576. That is not...Copy !req
577. Oh, my god.Copy !req
578. Oh! Carol, there's one
on your shoulder!Copy !req
579. Oh god!Copy !req
580. Help!Copy !req
581. Something's on me!Copy !req
582. Mr. Kutcher.
Mr. Kutcher?Copy !req
583. Mr. Kutcher?Copy !req
584. We'll be right back.Copy !req
585. Don't go away.Copy !req
586. Come on,
it was great, Larry.Copy !req
587. We killed $75,000 worth
of spiders, Artie.Copy !req
588. But we got $100,000
worth of laughs.
Oh, please.Copy !req
589. Well, look at it this way,
you finally got a chanceCopy !req
590. to do a sketch
with the great Carol Burnett.Copy !req
591. It wasn't a sketch.Copy !req
592. It was a massive,
spastic fuck up.Copy !req
593. Well, "to-may-to,
to-mah-to."Copy !req
594. It was broad physical comedy.Copy !req
595. It made the Ed Ames
tomahawk throwCopy !req
596. look like a big piece of shit.Copy !req
597. Yeah.Copy !req
598. Really?Copy !req
599. Well, I did overcome
my fear, didn't I?Copy !req
600. Yes, for a second...Copy !req
601. until you flung
that poor creature
to a fiery death.Copy !req
602. But in a funny way.
100 times yes.Copy !req
603. Good show.
Hank. Sorry.Copy !req
604. Oh, no, no, the,
uh, spider guy saidCopy !req
605. it's a mild allergic reaction.Copy !req
606. It should run its course
in about a week's timeCopy !req
607. and it's, ah—
it's hardly noticeable.Copy !req
608. Hey, Hank?Copy !req
609. Yeah?Copy !req
610. Nothin'.Copy !req
611. Huge laughs, Hank!Copy !req
612. Huge laughs, Larry. Huge.Copy !req
613. Yeah.Copy !req
614. There were some huge laughs,
weren't there, Artie?Copy !req
615. Wanna watch the tape again?Copy !req
616. Attaboy.Copy !req
617. Come on.
Let's go.Copy !req