The Larry Sanders Show 1x3

1. And Larry will be out in one minute.

2. Now, uh, you folks see that flashing sign up there?

3. Now, that sign says "Applesauce."

4. No, no, no, no, I— I— I'm kidding.

5. It says "Applause."

6. Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

7. All right.

8. Now remember, you're all— you're all a big part

9. of the show, so the better you are,

10. the better Larry is.

11. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

12. Now, he's giving me the s— uh, the sign and it says

13. "We're on in 10 seconds,"

14. so get ready to have a good time.

15. All right, here we go.

16. This is exciting, isn't it?

17. Man : In five, four, three, two...

18. Live on tape from Hollywood,

19. "The Larry Sanders Show."

20. Tonight, join Larry and his guests

21. Jon Lovitz, Lyle Lovett, Steve Duchesne, and me,

22. Hey now! Hank Kingsley.

23. And now because we've tried it with just the desk,

24. and it really isn't the same, Larry Sanders!

25. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

26. Thank you.

27. Thank you very much.

28. Welcome, welcome.

29. Thanks again for, uh, tuning in tonight.

30. You are a— a— a great crowd.

31. Was it hot enough here in Los Angeles for you?

32. It was about, uh... Yes!

33. Well, I live in the Valley.

34. It was about 110. I don't know.

35. My dog ran by and burst into flames.

36. It was one of those.

37. And rolled to put himself out 'cause he read the pamphlets

38. they pass out to dogs.

39. A new government study, uh, announced today—

40. I don't know if you saw it— that a vasectomy—

41. which by the way, I have never gotten

42. because who wants to be in a cast for six weeks?

43. And then, you know, everybody wants to sign it.

44. It's embarrassing.

45. A vasectomy, uh, is, uh, supposed to

46. lower your risk of actually transmitting sexual diseases.

47. The next option is a bad haircut.

48. Also, yesterday Christie's, the, uh, auction house

49. in New York, auctioned off a— this is absolutely true—

50. a 150-year-old condom,

51. and it was bought by a man who paid $6,300,

52. but was still so embarrassed,

53. he also bought an $8,000 toothpaste tube

54. and $5,000 pack of Raisinets.

55. We have Jon Lovitz, Lyle Lovett,

56. and Steve Duchesne.

57. Don't flip around.

58. We'll be right back. Do not flip around.

59. Okay. You— you're well-padded, so I think you'll be all right.

60. You know, I— I am exceptionally well-padded and insured.

61. So let's get down to this.

62. All right. I'm a big hockey fan

63. and this is kind of, uh— Want me to help you?

64. And yet, I've never ever

65. played hockey in my life, so...

66. Now...

67. You wouldn't know that to look at me though.

68. I grew up in, uh...

69. Okay, here we go. Just... Watch your head.

70. help me with that. All right.

71. Now...

72. Thank you.

73. This is actually the same outfit

74. you wear to drive in LA.

75. Put your glove out to the side.

76. There you go. Just like that.

77. Okay? No, you're putting me off.

78. Here we go.

79. Oh!

80. The audience loved it. Just great.

81. Props.

82. I'll take the cup off by myself.

83. About tomorrow's show... Yeah?

84. Carol Burnett called.

85. Her writers have come up

86. with a cunning little sketch for you two. Great!

87. I always wanted to do a sketch with Carol Burnett.

88. And a sketch you will do. Good.

89. That's great.

90. You need some help there? No, I got it.

91. And we've scheduled The Bug Man.

92. What kind of bugs is he bringing?

93. Oh, he's only bringing two spiders. What?

94. Two spiders. Spiders?

95. He calls it The Tarantula Arm Races.

96. He takes a dead fly,

97. puts it on your head comme ca,

98. then he puts spiders on each arm. Yeah.

99. Sit very still

100. while the spiders race up to your head.

101. Give it to me again?

102. A dead fly Yeah.

103. on head comme ca, Yeah.

104. sit very still, Uh-huh.

105. spiders race, arms, head. One more time.

106. Dead fly comme ca, spiders— No, I-I— I'm not sure about this, Artie.

107. Oh, come on. What?

108. Two minutes ago, you were willing to take

109. a puck to the nuts.

110. Now you're crying over a couple of bugs. Well, I'm not crying over it.

111. Oh, you don't want to do it.

112. I didn't say that. Come on.

113. Come on, Larry.

114. This is a showbiz tradition.

115. Gigantic, fuzzy insects crawling on your body,

116. lions crapping in your lap. It's great television.

117. You know, I'm— It'll be hilarious doing this!

118. I'll think about it.

119. Huge laughs.

120. I gotta go.

121. Huge laughs. I gotta go!

122. Huge rolling in the aisle laughter.

123. All right, I'll do it.

124. Good!

125. Get out of here, you big successful talk show host. Ha!

126. Oh, where— where you going, Larry?

127. Oh, will you stop with the spiders already?

128. Wh— what do you think, they're gonna go on your show tomorrow

129. and they're gonna crawl up your arm,

130. and then bite your eyes so you go blind? Yeah.

131. And then they're gonna just crawl in your ear

132. and lay eggs, and they're gonna hatch and build, like,

133. this big Santa Fe style, you know, Spanish adobe house of hair,

134. then you'll be jealous because you can't live there, right?

135. Then you're gonna want to go to therapy, and he'll talk about it for years

136. about why he can't move into his own head.

137. By the time you're figured out,

138. the spiders will have eaten your brain up.

139. There'll be nothing left. I mean, what's the point?

140. You want another espresso?

141. No please.

142. No.

143. You know why you don't relate to the spider thing is

144. you've never had anything big an hairy crawlin'

145. all over you, have you?

146. Nn...

147. the night is young.

148. Ow!

149. Listen, thanks for dinner. I'll pay for it next time.

150. Oh, funny.

151. Oh, and— and listen, all kidding aside,

152. don't worry about those tarantulas, all right?

153. They're— they're just the deadliest spider known to man.

154. Oh, you're such a jerk. Yeah.

155. Yeah, I'm jerking my way to the bank.

156. Watch your step.

157. I mean career-wise.

158. That was fun.

159. Honey, I didn't get a word in edgewise all night.

160. All I said was, "No more coffee."

161. Yeah, why did you just interrupt us like that?

162. We were in the middle of a big roll, honey. Honey.

163. Honey, you know, this is really

164. not my idea of a fun time,

165. uh, having a comedy club in my own home.

166. Are you saying that 'cause you watered down the drinks?

167. Funny, honey. That's what—

168. Come on, we gotta go see Lovitz on the show.

169. Honey, I don't want to watch Lovitz on the show, you know?

170. Jeez. You know, I hope one of those spiders

171. bites you tomorrow night.

172. Now— now— now— now you're hurting me.

173. Why are you hurting me? You know that I—

174. I'm afraid of spiders. Well, yeah? Then why are you doing the stupid

175. spider stunt on your show? I'll tell you why.

176. Because you guys will do anything for a laugh. Oh, that is not true.

177. Yes, it is. Then why are you doing it?

178. Because it'll be funny.

179. You are so amazingly impossible. I'm sorry!

180. It's just that I get— Okay, look, when I get frightened,

181. I babble. I'm sorry.

182. Well, honey, you don't have to do this, I mean,

183. if you don't want to do it. It's your show.

184. You don't have to. Yeah, but it's more than just my show, honey.

185. It's something don't you think I should do for myself? Well...

186. It's pretty silly. Okay, all right, so let me get this straight.

187. You're willing to confront your fears if it's in front

188. of 20 million people and for a laugh? Uh-huh. Oh, okay.

189. So, um, can we start a family

190. if I have the baby at the Greek Theatre?

191. Huh?

192. It's...

193. It's a sock.

194. But it's in the shape of a spider, honey.

195. Larry?

196. You have rehearsal with Carol Burnett in five minutes. Huh? Okay.

197. I have the, uh, proofs to the new publicity shots.

198. Wanna look at them now or later? Huh? No, later.

199. Okay. Kay?

200. No, I'll look at 'em now.

201. You know what? Later.

202. Okay.

203. Here you are.

204. Are you okay? Huh? Yeah.

205. Are you afraid of anything?

206. Mm... intimacy.

207. Anything more you wanna tell me? No.

208. Okay, thanks. You've been a big help.

209. Well, I'm also deathly afraid of flying. Really?

210. Yeah. Now, how do you overcome it?

211. Tranquilizers.

212. You're kidding.

213. You have any?

214. No.

215. You have a rehearsal with Carol in three minutes. Oh, come on. What are you—

216. No. What were they, Xanaxes?

217. No. Valiums?

218. No. Halcions?

219. You— Two minutes with Carol.

220. Were they, uh, 'ludes? Uppers?

221. What were they? Come on. Now you got one.

222. Were they Res?

223. Okay, everybody, once more from the top please.

224. Let's start with Larry's entrance.

225. And...

226. Shit.

227. Me Tarzan, you Jane.

228. That's Miss Jane to you.

229. It's your line, Larry. I'm sorry.

230. I'm sorry. You okay?

231. Where? Here.

232. Yeah, I'm okay.

233. I just have some other things on my mind. Okay.

234. You wanna go back? No.

235. Let's go. Can I have the coconut?

236. Let's go where we were.

237. Would you like some coconut juice?

238. Let's see how that would sound in character.

239. Sorry.

240. Mm, would you like some coconut—

241. Oh, pubic hair on my coconut.

242. Uh, that's it, that's it.

243. Sexual harassment. Where's my lawyer?

244. Nairobi and Meyers. On behalf of my client,

245. we are filing charges of sexual misconduct against you.

246. This is a restraining order.

247. You shall not come within 500 yards of my client.

248. I don't know where we are.

249. Hey, are we doing the sketch before the spiders or after? All right.

250. I don't know. Oh, god, I just saw them.

251. Backstage.

252. The spiders.

253. They're huge.

254. They look like big hairy potatoes with legs in 'em.

255. I'm gonna have dreams.

256. Excuse me one second, huh?

257. Artie? Hilarious so far!

258. Carol said that the spiders are the size of fucking potatoes.

259. I'm sure Carol never used the word "fucking."

260. Artie, I'm no good at slapstick comedy to begin with.

261. It's brilliant! Did you hear me laughing?

262. No, I did not hear you laughing.

263. And I'm so concerned about these spiders,

264. I can't even concentrate. I'm all over the place. Listen, I— I—

265. I can understand that.

266. My kids always loved rolly coasters,

267. but I could— I'd never get on one of 'em. They're roller coasters.

268. Well, call it what you like, but I'd— I'd never get on the damn thing.

269. God. Here, want some water?

270. This guy is all over the place.

271. I don't know what he's doing. His timing's a mess.

272. He is— He is all over the place. He has no time.

273. No, no.

274. Ugh, that— that voice, did you hear that Tarzan voice?

275. What was that? Uh, I think he's trying out

276. a new, uh, Lebanese thing.

277. You want— you want out of this? Wanna get out of this?

278. Want me to try to get you out of this? They'll give a talk show

279. to anybody these days. Yeah.

280. Roller coasters.

281. Merry go round.

282. Rolly coaster.

283. Ro—

284. You know, talking to you is like talking to you.

285. I can't go on with this spider thing, Artie.

286. Listen, consider it canceled.

287. There must be something else we can do.

288. Then something else we shall do.

289. Hank, me boy, how goes it? Hey.

290. Let me guess, this is Quick Light Briquettes, is it?

291. Yes, it is.

292. Fastest light in the west.

293. Fire 'em up, partner.

294. Ha. Hank, let me bounce something off you.

295. Bounce away.

296. How would you like to do the spider stunt tonight?

297. Are you kidding?

298. What?

299. No. stunts are Larry's territory.

300. Hank Kingsley shall not trespass.

301. There's no problem.

302. Larry himself wants you to handle the stunt.

303. He said this? Just moments ago.

304. Uh, could you...

305. Thank you.

306. Um, this isn't happening

307. because, well, Larry knows I'm unhappy, is it?

308. You're unhappy?

309. Oh, no, no, no. Not at— not at all.

310. It's I'm always looking for opportunities

311. to, uh, showcase my— my versatility.

312. Not that I've made a stink about it,

313. because I am not a-a— a squeaky wheel.

314. You know that. It has nothing to do with you, Hank.

315. Larry's decision was motivated purely by...

316. other factors.

317. I hear ya. I hear ya, and...

318. well, I am— I am very happy to do this.

319. I'm— I am, I am. I'm very happy to do this.

320. Good, Hank!

321. You're pleased, I'm pleased,

322. Larry will be very pleased.

323. Thanks, pal! Oh, thank you!

324. Uh, Arthur?

325. The hat?

326. Carol wants to cancel the sketch.

327. Why? Because she thinks it sucks.

328. She's right.

329. Cancel it. Okay.

330. Between you and me, I'm relieved.

331. I didn't even— Uh, I thought I looked like an idiot

332. in that loincloth.

333. Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point.

334. That's the only laugh I got, I think.

335. I'm not good at that broad physical comedy, at all.

336. Oh, no, you're great. No, I'm not.

337. Carol, she's good.

338. Yeah. She's a pro.

339. Artie?

340. Did you really see my balls?

341. Excuse me, Larry, Hank would like to speak with you.

342. Oh, for god sakes. Hank, come in.

343. Oh, I'm sorry.

344. If— if you and Darlene are talking, I can always come back.

345. I am not talking to her. Come in.

346. Darlene? Tell him why you were here.

347. I— I don't remember.

348. What can I do for you?

349. Well, um, I, um—

350. I just— I just wanted to stop by, and I...

351. What is this?

352. That's my cup from the hockey segment.

353. I just wanted to stop by and, uh—

354. uh, thank you for, uh, your trust and your confidence

355. and giving a— a pal his moment in the sun,

356. and I'm not gonna let you down.

357. Hank, you shouldn't be thanking me.

358. No, I have got to thank you. Listen—

359. It— It comes from here.

360. My heart.

361. In all honesty— Honesty?

362. Honesty?

363. Hey, that's what I'm about.

364. Uh, the reason that I, uh, want you to do this

365. instead of me, Hank, is because, uh,

366. I'm afraid of...

367. you not getting to do enough on the show

368. and you not getting to express your unique,

369. uh, creativity and flare.

370. I'm a little uncomfortable right now, but...

371. My god.

372. You're a good man.

373. Come on.

374. Come on.

375. Hank. Hank.

376. Hank, please.

377. Hank, please.

378. Huh?

379. Could you take your top off? I'm begging you.

380. Could you take your top off, please?

381. She wants both of us. Oh, tremendous.

382. Yeah. She wants to come in here.

383. Hey now! Hey now.

384. Uh, listen, uh...

385. thought I should tell you guys...

386. I'm doing the spider thing tonight.

387. Anyway, uh, I know we got a show in about an hour,

388. but if you've written some, uh, you know,

389. some funny stuff for Larry with the spiders,

390. well, maybe you could put a—

391. a different, um, uh, you know, crank on it.

392. You know, make it, you know, make it more my style.

393. Oh. Well, yeah, we'll get right on that.

394. Commissary? What's the soup today?

395. Pink chowder.

396. Slow. But— but— but what we would do is

397. Mm-hmm. We would take your hand and we'd roll up your sleeve

398. Right. and we'd place him on your arm.

399. Okay.

400. And the, uh, and the trick is, um...

401. There— there's no trick.

402. Just try to hold your arm still

403. and not make any sudden movements. Okay.

404. And I— I won't get bitten, uh...

405. I carry a spider anti-venom kit

406. on my person at all times.

407. Where is that?

408. Well, I didn't bring it with me today. Now, that's— that's not a...

409. No, it's— Don't worry.

410. Okay?

411. What is that?

412. It's a— It's— It's a burn.

413. I burned myself on the iron.

414. I'm not gonna get bitten?

415. Absolutely not.

416. But if you should get bitten,

417. it'll only hurt for a second

418. unless you're allergic to spider bites.

419. Okay, so how would I know if I were allergic?

420. Well, you'd go to a doctor and have yourself checked. Right.

421. And if I, you know, if I were allergic,

422. let's say what— I mean, what, uh,

423. what could happen?

424. Um... Oh, my god.

425. So, was I wrong? I mean, Hank really wanted to do the spider thing.

426. What am I gonna say to him? "No, no, you're not good enough"?

427. "No, I'm better at it than you"?

428. Exactly.

429. You know, the audience would rather see me do it, I think.

430. Wouldn't they?

431. I hear you, I hear you.

432. It's a very tough decision. Very tough.

433. It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards.

434. I'll show you. Look. How's this?

435. How does this feel?

436. Welcome back.

437. Now, Carol...

438. before we— before we— we move on Yes, yes.

439. to our— our next guest, tell- talk to me about the—

440. uh, the— the signal that you used to do on... Oh.

441. Or that you still do. The ear pulling.

442. The ear pulling thing at the end of a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

443. Yeah, that was— that was a signal to my grandmother

444. who raised me, and it, uh, meant

445. "Hi. I'm fine. Right.

446. Your check is on the way."

447. And and was it always the same ear? It's this ear.

448. In fact, many moons ago, uh, something— somebody—

449. some journalist measured this earlobe, Uh-huh.

450. and it is a quarter of an inch longer than—

451. Wow. Yeah.

452. So, you actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop.

453. You're so cute. Oh, I'm delightful, aren't I?

454. Yeah. Okay. We'll be right back

455. with, uh, spider expert, uh, Steve Kutcher

456. and, uh, Carol Burnett.

457. Don't go away. We'll be right back.

458. Clear.

459. You know, I really loved rehearsing that sketch.

460. Oh. I'm sorry we couldn't get—

461. Oh, I am too. squeeze it in.

462. You— You're wonderful at physical comedy.

463. Oh, you know, I love doing, like, broad physical comedy. Well, you're great at it.

464. You are great. I wish we could've done it. Me too.

465. I— Well, yeah, I love—

466. Maybe you'll come back another time, maybe we can do it?

467. Well...

468. I'll have to check my schedule.

469. Oh, well, sure, sure.

470. Well, try and work it in.

471. Uh, but if— if I do, if...

472. if we do do it, maybe you could talk

473. to costumes about getting—

474. getting you a longer loincloth.

475. I saw your balls.

476. What?

477. I saw your balls.

478. Hank?

479. Hank, are you all right?

480. Yeah. Little mop up.

481. Listen, this, uh— this, uh, Steve—

482. this spider guy— Please.

483. This spider guy, is— is he on the up and up?

484. Don't worry about it, Hank.

485. The spiders are real.

486. I mean, though he had some concern

487. about an allergic reaction. And five...

488. Welcome back. We're back with, uh...

489. Carol Burnett, and, uh...

490. my next guest— my next guest was the...

491. uh, chief spider wrangler for the movie "Arachnophobia."

492. He's brought some friends along with him.

493. Please welcome spider expert Steve Kutcher.

494. Steve Kutcher.

495. How are you? Good.

496. Well, Steve, I see you brought your lunch with you.

497. So, Steve, nice to see you. Hi.

498. And, uh, I didn't, uh...

499. see the movie, but, uh,

500. these are tarantulas, are they? Tarantulas.

501. Yeah, these are some of my tarantulas Uh-huh.

502. that were used in "Arachnophobia," and, uh—

503. And where do they— Where are they, uh, from?

504. Uh, where do they come from?

505. Well, they're found in the tropical regions and desert regions.

506. Well, you're— you're— you're— you're wrong right there.

507. They're clearly found in plastic boxes.

508. I see that.

509. I brought some of my special—

510. the— the best spiders I have here.

511. Well, let's, uh...

512. take a look and see what you got.

513. Would you mind if I opened up the lid on this one?

514. No. I, uh, I've never complained about anyone

515. opening up a lid of anything.

516. What can we do with, uh, this one here? Well—

517. Well, I can actually demonstrate how—

518. how you can control them

519. crawling up a person's arm.

520. Is that right? Yes.

521. Uh-huh.

522. Uh, now, when you say a person,

523. you mean, uh, they're an— a human being.

524. Right, like— like you. Uh-huh.

525. Wrong.

526. You mean like Hank.

527. We can put the, uh— that thing on Hank.

528. Um...

529. wrong.

530. Well, come on. Don't you folks want to see, uh,

531. Hank put that on his—

532. All right, well, I do too.

533. Now— Now—

534. Now— Now tell— Now tell the truth.

535. Wouldn't you rather see Larry?

536. Well—

537. Wait, wait.

538. Yeah. If you guys are too chicken,

539. I'll do it.

540. Well—

541. All right, all right, then it— Yeah, I am not a chicken.

542. I will— I will go ahead

543. and I will put the spider on, uh— on my— on my arm.

544. What do I— What do I do here, Steve?

545. Larry, you can take off your jacket

546. and come up. Maybe Carol...

547. Would you like to?

548. All right.

549. And, uh, and Carol, you thought I was...

550. I thought you were yeller.

551. And you— you were mistakener.

552. Yes.

553. Now, if you can hold your...

554. Okay. If you can hold your arm out like this.

555. You can do it.

556. Can he do it, audience?

557. All right.

558. I can do this.

559. All right, here we go.

560. Which— uh, which movies was he in?

561. All right, now— Okay, why don't you—

562. I-I-I— I am going to look, uh, this way...

563. Okay. and you go ahead,

564. and will I feel the, uh—

565. Now he's gonna— Oh, my god.

566. Are you gonna— are you gonna put this on me?

567. Yes. Hello.

568. You can feel it. He's very light

569. Okay. and it's moving along your arm.

570. Okay.

571. And, uh, you see— is it— Well, now I can barely—

572. This is not so bad. I— I can barely feel him.

573. I'll make him go up your arm. He's crawling. Is he crawling up me?

574. He's crawling. Uh-huh.

575. You can look.

576. That is not...

577. Oh, my god.

578. Oh! Carol, there's one on your shoulder!

579. Oh god!

580. Help!

581. Something's on me!

582. Mr. Kutcher. Mr. Kutcher?

583. Mr. Kutcher?

584. We'll be right back.

585. Don't go away.

586. Come on, it was great, Larry.

587. We killed $75,000 worth of spiders, Artie.

588. But we got $100,000 worth of laughs. Oh, please.

589. Well, look at it this way, you finally got a chance

590. to do a sketch with the great Carol Burnett.

591. It wasn't a sketch.

592. It was a massive, spastic fuck up.

593. Well, "to-may-to, to-mah-to."

594. It was broad physical comedy.

595. It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw

596. look like a big piece of shit.

597. Yeah.

598. Really?

599. Well, I did overcome my fear, didn't I?

600. Yes, for a second...

601. until you flung that poor creature to a fiery death.

602. But in a funny way. 100 times yes.

603. Good show. Hank. Sorry.

604. Oh, no, no, the, uh, spider guy said

605. it's a mild allergic reaction.

606. It should run its course in about a week's time

607. and it's, ah— it's hardly noticeable.

608. Hey, Hank?

609. Yeah?

610. Nothin'.

611. Huge laughs, Hank!

612. Huge laughs, Larry. Huge.

613. Yeah.

614. There were some huge laughs, weren't there, Artie?

615. Wanna watch the tape again?

616. Attaboy.

617. Come on. Let's go.