The Larry Sanders Show 1x2

1. Now that sign says, "applesauce."

2. (laughing) No.

3. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

4. Greg, do me a favor, you flick that once.

5. (applause) All right.

6. Now, remember, you're all a big part of the show.

7. So the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now, you see this gentleman? Yeah, he's giving me this sign,

9. and it says we're on in ten seconds,

10. so get ready to have a good time.

11. All right, here we go.

12. This is exciting, isn't it?

13. In five, four, three, two...

14. Live on tape from Hollywood, the Larry Sanders Show!

15. Tonight, welcome Larry and his guests,

16. Val Kilmer,

17. Valerie Bertinelli,

18. Wynonna Judd,

19. and me, "Hey, Now!" Hank Kingsley

20. And now, because it's an FAA regulation,

21. your flight attendant, Karen Jackson!

22. Good evening.

23. Good evening, and welcome to "The Larry Sanders Show."

24. For your comfort and safety, please take a moment to familiarize yourself

25. with some of the features of this studio.

26. Should the director determine it necessary to illuminate the applause signs,

27. please do so immediately.

28. To applaud, hold the hands out and away from the body

29. with the palms facing each other.

30. Bring the palms together firmly and quickly,

31. and continue to breathe normally.

32. In the event of a sudden loss of interest in one of tonight's guests,

33. your seat cushion may be removed and used as a pillow.

34. Our estimated time on the air will be 59 minutes,

35. and we want to thank you for choosing "The Larry Sanders Show"

36. for your late-night talk show needs.

37. And now, your host for the evening,

38. Captain Larry Sanders.

39. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

40. I think the only thing Karen forgot to add

41. is please, do not stand until we've come to a complete halt,

42. which I think we just have.

43. You ever seen a stewardess like that, Hank?

44. Beautiful. Beautiful.

45. That's a good answer. All right.

46. Well, we had another earthquake here in LA,

47. and of course, the really bad thing about earthquakes when they happen in Los Angeles

48. is it makes it more difficult to shoot straight.

49. I was with my wife, of course,

50. in bed at 5:00 AM.

51. And she started to yell, you know, "it's the big one."

52. And I said, "well, thank you very much."

53. 'Cause— And then she said, "no, it's the quake."

54. Stay for the whole show. Don't be like last night's audience.

55. You at home, you here in the studio.

56. Please, don't do what last night's audience did.

57. After the show as over— You know, they laughed for an hour,

58. they had fun with us for an hour,

59. then they got dressed and just left.

60. Please, stay. I like to cuddle afterwards.

61. And you never know, an hour later I may feel like putting on another show.

62. Stay tuned, we have some great guests.

63. And don't flip around, we'll be right back.

64. And then you'll be doing what project after that?

65. Uh, "Wild Palms" that Oliver Stone's producing for ABC.

66. Well, Dana, you were delightful.

67. Come back as often as you like.

68. Really. (applause)

69. Uh, we have some terrific guests coming up this week.

70. Uh, Winona Ryder, Joe Pesci, comedian David Spade.

71. Oh, great, I like him. We have—

72. David Spade? Mm-hmm.

73. As do I.

74. This is actually his, uh, fifth time, is that right?

75. Fifth time. Fifth time.

76. Wow, that's, uh... Five.

77. So, see you tomorrow night, sleep well.

78. Remember, we'll all be sleeping at the same time.

79. So, what do I do now?

80. Just pretend like you're talking to me till we're off the air

81. so it won't seem weird. Okay.

82. So... Blah, blah. Blah-blah-blah.

83. (chuckling) You don't have to pretend that much.

84. How's your house coming along?

85. My house? Uh, well, I'm in a lawsuit with the contractor

86. because the walls are... We're clear!

87. bleeding like a miracle— Perfect, that's great.

88. David, I know it's torturous, but we gotta go over this.

89. 'Cause you know Larry wants to know everything you're gonna say.

90. It's fine. Um...

91. I'm gonna do the doggie diapers,

92. I'm gonna do the airline stuff, I'm—

93. What's that? I haven't heard it.

94. Airline stuff? It's, uh...

95. Give me a speed-through, but I gotta know it.

96. You want me to do the whole joke? Please.

97. Ugh. This is an office, not a club.

98. David, I know this is total torture,

99. but you gotta do your act for me so Larry can hear the content.

100. All right, it's um...

101. Basically, I come out, hello, hello.

102. How's everybody? I just flew in.

103. I don't like to fly 'cause when you get on

104. they immediately tell you the name of your pilot,

105. like anyone goes, "oh, he's good. I like his work." (laughing)

106. That kind of stuff. Yeah.

107. Then I say I fly coach,

108. I don't fly first-class.

109. Thing about coach is they don't want you to see the people in first class,

110. that's how much of a loser you are.

111. And, you know, flight attendant will come by and pull the curtain shut,

112. "sorry."

113. You make that little face? Yeah.

114. That is so Spade, and Larry loves that.

115. Then I do my dog's penis—

116. Did you just say "penis"?

117. I say penis. I can change it to organ, maybe.

118. That'll be probably good.

119. You will not. Hey.

120. You will not change a thing, that's what this show needs:

121. penis, and plenty of it.

122. Hey, Mr. Sanders. Don't get up.

123. How's the show? Hey, David.

124. How are you? Eh...

125. So you're with us on Thursday, is that right?

126. Yeah, yeah, looking forward to it. Terrific.

127. Good, that's your... Fifth.

128. Fifth time, wow. Fifth time, right?

129. So you're like family.

130. How many times you been on the show, Paula?

131. Never. Exactly.

132. So I'd show Mr. Spade here a little respect.

133. Let him say penis whenever he wants.

134. (laughing) You got it, you can say penis.

135. There you go. All right.

136. Stop by on your way out.

137. Yeah, okay. Great.

138. So, anyway, your dog's penis?

139. Right. You can't say penis.

140. Got it.

141. Who is it?

142. Hi. Hey, Larry.

143. Oh, David, hi. What's up?

144. You wanted me to come by?

145. Oh, that's right. Sure. Come on in.

146. So, things are going well, huh?

147. Oh, yeah, it's great.

148. I owe a lot of that to you. No, no, no.

149. No, you deserve it.

150. So, you still driving the, uh...

151. Oh, the Hon— No, I've actually got a new Mustang.

152. It's brand new.

153. Those are great.

154. Yeah. Those are great, I love those.

155. Yeah, everything is— Everything's going great. Good.

156. Very glad. I'm really very glad to hear that, really.

157. Well... I guess it's that time.

158. Thanks for coming by.

159. So... Long?

160. Yeah, so long. I'm gonna go drive the Mustang.

161. Hey, those are great. Have fun.

162. Thank you, yeah. Okay.

163. Hey, glad to hear it, you know, things are going so great.

164. Well, they are, thanks. Oh, good.

165. Well, keep up the good work.

166. Yup.

167. You wanna close that?

168. Nice kid.

169. Hello, Larry Sanders.

170. Artie, hey.

171. Artie, he's not allowed to talk about show business.

172. I am not allowed to talk about show business, Artie.

173. Put on Leno, honey, please?

174. (turns on TV) Okay.

175. David Spade: All right. Good crowd, good crowd.

176. Well, I flew here tonight, and, uh, I don't like to fly.

177. 'Cause when you fly, once you're on the plane

178. the flight attendant will immediately tell you the name of the pilot.

179. Like anyone goes, "oh, he's good."

180. Honey, that's, uh, whats-his-name?

181. You know, he's been on your show? Yeah.

182. David Spade. He's supposed to do the show for the fifth time tomorrow.

183. Thing about coach is they don't want you to see the people in first class,

184. that's how much of a loser you are.

185. Flight attendant will come by and pull the little curtain shut.

186. "Sorry."

187. I thought he was doing our show tomorrow, Artie. What the fuck is this?

188. Huh? No.

189. No... No.

190. All right, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

191. And I realize everyone's got a limousine in Hollywood.

192. Everyone's got a limo, they think they're so cool.

193. Every time I see a limousine, I go,

194. "ooh, you have $80."

195. Jesus! What are you so mad about?

196. You don't do two talk shows back-to-back.

197. My dog's penis was... It's an unspoken rule.

198. Well, maybe it's so unspoken that he didn't know about it?

199. He knows about it. Arsenio and Leno have contracts

200. to prevent stuff like that. You don't. You don't do that, right?

201. No, I don't do that. I don't do that. But you know what?

202. I expect a certain loyalty. I found this guy.

203. And you know what? I discovered him at The Comedy Store,

204. and then...

205. I sound like an asshole, don't I?

206. No, honey, you don't sound like an asshole.

207. Your feelings are hurt.

208. My feelings are hurt, honey.

209. And by a man.

210. How did this happen?

211. As I understand it, Leno had a cancellation,

212. so his people called up Spade, and Spade jumped right on it 'cause he's a scumbag.

213. Ugh. Well, we're going to rise above it.

214. Well, what are we gonna do?

215. We're going to rise above it.

216. No, here's what we're going to do.

217. We're gonna book Nell Carter on the show,

218. we're gonna lock her in her dressing room for three days and don't feed her.

219. Then we throw David Spade in there with a piece of honey baked ham down his pants.

220. Stand back and thank me later.

221. Can we get Nell Carter?

222. Oh, I can get Nell Carter, and if I can't,

223. I'm gonna dress up like Nell Carter and get in there and kick his little ass myself.

224. All those years in the Merchant Marine have served you well, Paula.

225. Meeting.

226. Do you want me to make Spade fall in love with me, then hurt him?

227. 'Cause he can.

228. No. Thanks, though.

229. By the way, Lenny and Squiggy say hi.

230. Fuck him, he's off the show.

231. Oh, calm down.

232. Oh, screw it.

233. Listen, I was so upset last night I had to take a Halcion.

234. Aren't there side effects to that stuff, Artie?

235. Sure, I saw Buddy Ebsen's head floating over my dresser.

236. Oh, for god's sakes.

237. Yeah, but he vanished. Slept like a dream.

238. What do you want to do about the little pissant?

239. You know, he was in here last night.

240. Where, here?

241. In here.

242. What's he doing in here?

243. I asked him to stop by on his way out.

244. Why? I thought it was a friendly thing to say.

245. I didn't know he'd actually do it.

246. You mean come in here?

247. Yes. Amazing.

248. Artie, he's just a kid. Maybe he didn't know any better about "The Tonight Show."

249. Bullshit! Think about it.

250. He taped "The Tonight Show" an hour before he came waltzing in here.

251. I'm surprised you didn't smell Leno's cologne on the little rat-bastard.

252. Yeah, you're right. And he didn't even mention anything about it to me.

253. Fuck him. He's off the show.

254. I thought it'd take you another ten minutes.

255. What do you want to do now?

256. Wanna get something to eat?

257. Larry. Hank.

258. Uh, listen, wasn't Karen great in that stewardess sketch last night?

259. No. No, Hank.

260. No matter what she did to you, we're not having her back on the show.

261. I wasn't asking that, sir. I wouldn't do that.

262. No, my pal Ray Combs, hosts "Family Feud"?

263. He's getting her on his show for me.

264. Is that right? Uh-huh.

265. Great. Her and her family?

266. No, no. No, just her.

267. You see, sometimes when they have a family with just four people,

268. they slap on a fifth person

269. and, you know, make them a cousin or whatever.

270. They do that?

271. Hush, hush, you know.

272. Ooh, by the way, while I got you here,

273. You know, I'm a friend and I don't usually—

274. I don't usually ask for favors,

275. but, uh, this afternoon the regional presidents of the Hank Kingsley fan club

276. are visiting the studio.

277. And I throw a little wingding, you know,

278. and, oh, if you could say hello...

279. Hank, I don't do the wingding thing.

280. You know, a quick hello.

281. Uh, well, gee, maybe a few words about your old buddy Hank, you know?

282. Uh, well, that would be really a— Oh—

283. Oh, I got it. I got it. Go ahead.

284. You know, that would really be— That would be— That would be great.

285. I mean, I am talking a— What, I'm talking a minute.

286. I don't know, a minute 30, tops.

287. Here, I got that. I got it, I got it.

288. Look, look.

289. It's just not a good day, Hank. I'm not in the mood today.

290. I never ask you for favors. You know, I mean...

291. Hank, for god sakes, why—

292. Mean a lot to the ladies, really.

293. Can't you hear my voice, that I'm saying no to you?

294. Please? I'm saying no.

295. We're such good friends and you can't hear that I'm saying no to you?

296. Don't make me say the words, Hank.

297. Please? No.

298. For god sakes, no, Hank.

299. Um... You know, I talk to you, and you don't hear!

300. Enough said.

301. Hey, Darlene. Hey.

302. Guess you heard David Spade's off the show.

303. Why is Larry so mean? What is he, "sag"?

304. Look, Larry can do what he wants to do.

305. You know, Spade really hurt his feelings.

306. Typical "sag."

307. What's all this stuff?

308. I had to make extra copies of Hank's fan club newsletter.

309. "Hank's for the memories."

310. We have another stewardess skit for tonight?

311. I hope we do. I love those stewardess skits.

312. I don't know if you heard, William Shatner's doing a sketch with us.

313. Mr. William Shatner?

314. He's across the hall doing "News at 5."

315. That's great. Yeah, and so I wrote up a "Star Trek" sketch for him.

316. And Paul went over to run it by him.

317. Good. So...

318. Jerry, William Shatner's on line four for you.

319. He wants to talk to me? Yeah.

320. Can we put him on the speakerphone?

321. Yeah, I love his voice.

322. All right. Okay.

323. I'm trying to get him to say "Klingon."

324. Mr. Shatner, Jerry Capen.

325. No, wait.

326. Tell him you put him on speakerphone.

327. Mr. Shatner, I'm gonna put you on speakerphone.

328. Mr. Shatner, Jerry Capen.

329. The volume.

330. Mr. Shatner?

331. Yeah, Jerry, am I on a speakerphone?

332. Yeah, well, the handset's broken, but we're alone.

333. Uh-huh. Well, Jerry,

334. I'd like to come over and do something with Larry, but Paula tells me

335. you guys are thinking about some "Star Trek" thing?

336. Come on. Yeah, well, you know, we're kicking the idea around.

337. Well, you know, I've written three novels.

338. "TekWar," "TekLords,"TekLab."

339. They're really taking off. Marvel comics is turning them into a series of comic books.

340. I got a new novel out there called "Believe" right at the book stores right now.

341. Maybe we could do something with that?

342. I mean, isn't "Star Trek" the most obvious, unoriginal choice you could make?

343. I mean, come on. Well, actually,

344. you know, it's very much in—

345. Bill? This is Larry.

346. Larry! Larry, how you been?

347. Good. I was just walking by and I heard your voice on the speakerphone.

348. I thought I'd pop in 'cause, Bill, I'm really excited

349. about doing this "Star Trek" thing the guys have written tonight.

350. Oh, great, a "Star Trek" sketch. That'll be fun.

351. I'm really looking forward to it.

352. Good, me too.

353. Say, uh, Bill? Yeah?

354. What were those— What was your biggest enemy on "Star Trek"?

355. Uh... DeForest Kelley and I had some problems.

356. No, I mean, um...

357. alien-wise. Who were the evil aliens who were always after you?

358. Uh, Romulans? There were some Romulans, salt suckers,

359. Klingons! There were some Klingons.

360. I think that's it, Bill. Thanks a lot.

361. What's so funny?

362. (women chatting) All right, here we go. Right down this way.

363. Now, right down here is the makeup room.

364. And this is where they make me beautiful.

365. Oh, you're beautiful enough as it is, Hank.

366. You're a married woman,

367. don't try and tempt me, Margaret. (giggling)

368. And, uh, down— Oh!

369. Well now, here comes one of our writers.

370. Now, this is Phil.

371. Hey now, Phil!

372. How's it going, Phil?

373. Ah, you see that?

374. It's very sad.

375. When they respect you too much, there's a distance.

376. Aww. Oh, yeah.

377. Okay, let's move on, shall we?

378. Yes. Yeah.

379. How's it going, Ray?

380. Now, this is where I say...

381. Applesauce!

382. Now this is where it all happens.

383. This is what I like to think of as "Hank Central."

384. Who wants to?

385. Me, me, me, me, me! You do?

386. You had your hand up first, come on. Me, me, me.

387. Oh! Oh... There we go.

388. Oh. Oh! Oh, wait until you get up here.

389. I mean, you can feel the energy.

390. Uncover it all, Hank.

391. Yes! Please? Oh, no. No, no, no.

392. Please, uncover— No, I'm not allowed to.

393. Next. Who's next?

394. Is that Orlando? Okay, come on. Yes!

395. All right, watch your step.

396. Watch your step. Thank you.

397. Live on tape from Hollywood...

398. Ooh, that gives me the chills.

399. Um, where's the bathroom?

400. Uh, we're gonna have a bathroom break in just a little bit, okay?

401. Hank!

402. You didn't tell me there'd be babes.

403. Oh!

404. Hey now! And now, ladies, because he's my pal,

405. Larry Sanders!

406. Hey now, Larry!

407. Thanks. Thank you.

408. I haven't heard this many women applaud since my bris.

409. Where you from?

410. Chicago.

411. Chicago.

412. Okay, ladies, Larry's very busy,

413. so we gotta let him... Larry!

414. Why does Hank have to sit so far down on the sofa?

415. We can barely see him. It's not right.

416. I know it isn't,

417. but if people could see Hank, who would look at me?

418. Oh, that's right.

419. What's my name again?

420. Larry!

421. Okay, so when I push the button, Ritchie,

422. they're both gonna wiggle at the same time, right?

423. 'Cause if just one wiggles, I don't think it's quite as funny.

424. Oh, Ritchie'll make it work. I know.

425. It's a cute gag.

426. However, Spock's were a little more pointy,

427. unless we're talking about that first season

428. before he made his return to the planet Vulcan.

429. Don't know the time frame of the sketch, Artie.

430. Uh, just so you know,

431. Paula got a fervid call from David Spade.

432. David is a very upset young man.

433. Well, you know, we're all a little upset.

434. And he would like to come over

435. and explain the situation to you.

436. You know, Artie, I'm not one who demands blind loyalty,

437. but this guy really hurt my feelings.

438. You don't want to talk to the little prick?

439. No.

440. Good.

441. I can't wait to see him wiggle.

442. Me and my cold, Vulcan logic.

443. Okay. These will work.

444. Knock, knock.

445. Who's there?

446. What do you mean?

447. You said "knock, knock."

448. No, no, no, I was just saying that.

449. But you said knock, knock when you came in.

450. Right. Who's there?

451. Uh, Hank.

452. Hank who?

453. Hank Kingsley.

454. Come in.

455. Where are the babes?

456. They're out there looking at my parking space.

457. And you, sir, are a true—

458. Boy, you really gave 'em a thrill out there.

459. No, no, it was fun.

460. Yeah, it was, huh? I want to thank you again.

461. I mean, you're a true mensch.

462. No, no, I— I mean that.

463. Hey, Hank? Yeah?

464. Uh, you know about this David Spade thing, right?

465. Yes. I mean, I heard about it.

466. And you've kicked his ass off the show is the word around campus.

467. Too harsh?

468. Well, it's hard to say.

469. I mean, you remember the first time you did "The Tonight Show"?

470. Yeah. Well,

471. you, uh— How do you think Merv felt?

472. What's your point?

473. My point is you did Merv a couple times before you did "The Tonight Show."

474. But Merv was on in the afternoon, Johnny was on at night.

475. There wasn't a conflict. I don't think the unspoken rule applied.

476. Okay. But Merv gave you your start, right?

477. Where are the girls, Hank?

478. Listen, thank you again.

479. Beverly? Hmm?

480. No, no.

481. Would you call David Spade?

482. Make sure they don't use that oil soap on the dashboard

483. 'cause it makes it look all slippery.

484. And don't touch anything in the glove compartment, okay?

485. Okay, thanks. Bye.

486. So, go on.

487. I... It just—

488. I don't expect you to totally forgive me,

489. or not think I'm an asshole for what I did,

490. but honestly, my manager and my agent,

491. I went over it with them, and they said it would be fine.

492. And you gotta trust someone, I trusted them.

493. Oh, come on. You know, look,

494. David, you're a bright guy, and I can understand all that,

495. but I can't put all the blame on them.

496. You're right, but, you know, I'm out there sweating it out in the clubs,

497. and that's what you're after, you know,

498. night after night you want "The Tonight Show."

499. And I finally get it— Even though it's just fucking Leno now.

500. It was your big break, too.

501. That is not true. I happen to have started on Merv.

502. Merv gave me a couple of good shots before I ever did "The Tonight Show."

503. That's a fact.

504. Jesus, Merv must have been pissed off.

505. He was not pissed off.

506. They were on at different times of the day.

507. One was on in the afternoon, one was on...

508. Look, let a couple months go by,

509. let things settle down, and then we'll book you again on the show, okay?

510. That'd be great. That's very generous.

511. All right, well, thank you, and I'll get out of your way now.

512. Thanks, Mr. Sanders.

513. Hey, call me...

514. You want me to call you?

515. No, I was gonna say, "call me Larry."

516. Okay. Bye.

517. How'd it go?

518. Good. I gave him that whole manager/agent shit.

519. And he bought it?

520. Of course.

521. And he claimed it was his manager and his agent, huh?

522. That's what he told me. You bought that horseshit?

523. Are you kidding? I told him we'd wait a couple months,

524. and then we'd book him again.

525. We'll bump him a few times, he'll get the message.

526. Little rat prick.

527. Larry, Arthur, we have a huge problem!

528. Joe Pesci just canceled, what are we gonna do now?

529. My next guest is a good friend and a wonderful young comedian.

530. Tonight marks his fifth appearance on the show.

531. Please give a warm welcome to David Spade.

532. Whoo!

533. Good crowd!

534. Thank you.

535. Good crowd, good crowd. All right.

536. Well, uh, hey, first I flew here.

537. I don't like to fly 'cause once you get on the plane

538. they immediately tell you the name of the pilot.

539. Like anyone goes, "oh, he's good.

540. He's good. Love his work."

541. And I sat in coach. I never sit in first.

542. Thing about coach is they don't even want you to see the people in first...