The Larry Sanders Show 1x13

1. Bob Saget: I went, uh— uh, where did I go?

2. I went with my in-laws and we went to—

3. we went to Egypt, which was— Yes? Wow.

4. Yeah, I know you're excited, I know. I am.

5. You know, "wow" backwards is "wow."

6. Did you know that?

7. "Wow" upside down is "mom"

8. and Mom upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

9. Thank you. My parents are in the audience.

10. Uh, we went to Egypt with my in-laws

11. who were a lot of fun if you like being in a vault with them.

12. And I don't know what that means,

13. but thank you for laughing. And we went there

14. and it was a beautiful country, I learned quite a bit.

15. And we went during Christmas, so there, were, like,

16. Christmas lights on the pyramids and everything,

17. which was kind of a joke, but not quite.

18. And then we went to the— we went to the Sphinx,

19. we went to the back of the Sphinx,

20. but nobody goes back there, you know why?

21. 'Cause it Sphinx back there. (audience laughs)

22. And that's why. And then, it's interesting.

23. All the women look like Jamie Farr, all of them.

24. Really? And I love—

25. I'm a big Jamie Farr fan, and I love women,

26. so the combination just turned me on major.

27. Right. And, uh...

28. see, Major, that's right from "M#A#S#H," too.

29. Then it was interesting because you had to tip,

30. like, in the bathroom at the airport.

31. Right. You had tip for toilet paper.

32. And then basically, you're negotiating.

33. There's a guy under your stall reaching,

34. and you kind of are exchanging the money at the wrong moment

35. and hoping you can just, Sure.

36. give me the money, give me the paper.

37. And I made a mistake, I didn't—

38. I didn't understand the currency, and I gave him $17

39. for three sheets of toilet paper.

40. And I realized, you're just better off just using the currency.

41. Sure, sure.

42. Just getting a lot of bills

43. and hoping you don't get chafed...

44. Being aware of the exchange rate there.

45. So, uh, Hank,

46. have you ever been in the Middle East?

47. Indeed I am.

48. I believe Hank was, uh,

49. just then in the Middle East.

50. But then, it was interesting.

51. We were with a guy named Dr. Marvin

52. who came out of the restroom at the airport in Egypt,

53. and he had eaten a lot of food and it didn't agree with him.

54. And he just said, "Wow, I have a problem, the Earth just came out of me."

55. That was his line and he was—

56. That's Dr. Marvin. It was Dr. Marvin.

57. He was covered in water, it was disgusting and horrible,

58. and we're very close and he looks like Jamie Farr.

59. And then we went, um— When you're close to him,

60. but then when he's far, forget it.

61. There's a pun there and I'm not—

62. (laughing) So then, we, um...

63. To tell you the truth,

64. I didn't even need to be there for the fucking Saget interview.

65. Good show.

66. All I said was, "Hi, Bob, bye, Bob."

67. I could have been working at a Jack in the Box.

68. Oh, don't diminish yourself.

69. Anyone with less talent

70. would have tried to interrupt him.

71. I don't know that that's necessarily true.

72. It just seems to me— Larry?

73. Oh, Bob. Did I—

74. did I go on too long, was I rambling or anything?

75. Absolutely not.

76. You were great. Love your work, Bob.

77. Yeah, I love the one where the man gets hit

78. in the nuts with a wiffle ball.

79. Anytime.

80. Come back anytime, Bob.

81. Thanks. Sure.

82. Who do we have on tomorrow night?

83. Uh, Earl Holliman.

84. He's got another new TV show

85. and an author, and don't panic,

86. Macaulay Culkin dropped out.

87. Oh, for God's sake. Geography quiz.

88. But I'm working on a new guest now.

89. Who's Leno got?

90. Macaulay Culkin. What are you...

91. No, no, I'm just kidding you.

92. Oh.

93. He's always got is Dudley Moore.

94. And the network is pushing Donna Mills.

95. Donna Mills?

96. Even KISS is working without makeup, Artie.

97. Um, excuse me, Arthur?

98. You know Ray. Ray!

99. How you doing Arthur? How are you?

100. And, uh, Larry, you know my friend Ray.

101. Hi, Ray, how are you? Host of "Family Feud."

102. Yeah, Larry.

103. We're on our way to The Smokehouse.

104. You wanna go? Oh, gee, no—

105. Yeah, come on, we're having a couple of beerskis.

106. Oh, beerskis. As much as that—

107. No, survey says no, really.

108. All right, well, see you.

109. See ya, Ray. Hank.

110. So long, Art. Hey now.

111. You like Teri Garr.

112. You wanna bring her back?

113. I like Teri Garr, too, yeah, absolutely.

114. I liked when she hiked her dress up, that was funny.

115. You got too inside on that section.

116. I know. Hank jumped in with a good bit.

117. That was a fluke, Artie.

118. I'm telling you, the guy cares less and less about the show every night.

119. Hank doesn't know a thing about the show until he's on the air.

120. He feels it keeps him spontaneous.

121. It serves him well.

122. Did you seem him tonight

123. practically asleep on the couch at one point?

124. I looked— well, who am I protecting?

125. He was asleep on the couch.

126. Of course, he was asleep, he's a fucking moron.

127. What do you expect?

128. The important thing, you're on,

129. and you're doing a great job.

130. All right, you guys, thank me later, Emo Philips.

131. Mmm, what, Gallagher out of fruit?

132. No Emo. Thank you.

133. You know— Hey, honey.

134. Jeannie. Hi, hun.

135. How are you? Hi, Arthur.

136. Will you talk to him, please, Artie?

137. Why don't you talk to him? He's your friend.

138. Oh, because...

139. You want me to talk to him?

140. Sure, I'll talk to him. Thank you.

141. I would— He was asleep on the couch, Artie.

142. I would've tucked him in,

143. but there's— what do you call it?

144. Network television show going on.

145. Dianne, please, not this morning.

146. Trust me, we'd love Emo here.

147. Think he's a riot.

148. Fine, I'll check the board again.

149. Oh, Jesus, the 16th's booked up too.

150. Perhaps we can have him on with a guest host or something.

151. He did "Police Academy."

152. This is funny.

153. This one is funny.

154. The thing about Dahmer? Did you see that one?

155. Dahmer... Uh-huh.

156. You can't say "gay."

157. Sorry. It's offensive to serial killers, isn't it?

158. Yeah, which is half our audience.

159. Yeah, and the other half are victims.

160. So, we would have— we'd offend everybody with that joke.

161. What were you thinking?

162. Oh! Did we get Janet Jackson for tonight?

163. We have Janet Jackson? That'd be great. Yeah.

164. Yeah. That would be great.

165. Yeah, especially if she talks about

166. the beatings she took from her father.

167. Or if she does the...

168. I know where you're— Yeah.

169. I know where you're going with this.

170. Got it.

171. Thanks. All right, bye-bye.

172. Hey, Artie. As much as I respect you, my friend.

173. and Paula says thanks.

174. Do we have Janet Jackson? Yeah, I just confirmed.

175. Oh, great. Excuse me, Larry.

176. Here's something from a fan in Florida.

177. Oh, Beverly, I don't want to see it.

178. Oh, no, no, no. Some things are too good to miss.

179. It's a candle in the shape of your head.

180. It is— It's a good likeness.

181. It's frightening.

182. Maybe it looks better once it's lit.

183. That would be my guess.

184. So what did Hank say?

185. What did Hank say about what?

186. What did Hank say about sleeping on the couch?

187. He isn't in yet.

188. What's he doing, another one of those commercials

189. for Safety Shutters?

190. Yes, as a matter of fact he is

191. or some similar piece of shit, I don't know what.

192. The important thing is, this is your first guest here.

193. He's a man, he wrote a book about how to train your dog.

194. Artie, is this the— is this the author you were talking about?

195. What do you mean author?

196. He took two years to write this book. It's about dogs though!

197. Of course it is. It's very, very funny.

198. To people or to dogs, Artie? Hopefully to both.

199. Paula says his animals are like children to him,

200. which I find very sad.

201. Artie, do you think we need to replace Hank?

202. No.

203. Hey, Hank? Hey now.

204. What do you think of this joke?

205. Which one, because there's a lot of jokes on this page.

206. The one that is circled, actually.

207. Hank.

208. Hey now. Here's your itinerary.

209. The only one I'm concerned about is tonight

210. 'cause there's a helicopter picking you up on the roof

211. exactly five minutes after the show

212. to get you to San Bernardino

213. for the shopping mall opening on time.

214. All right. Thanks, Darlene.

215. Uh, Darlene, make sure they have a pillow

216. and Drambuie on the helicopter.

217. Got it.

218. I'd like to fuck her.

219. You don't play for the Kings, Hank.

220. Do you ever turn down anything?

221. Oh, sure.

222. Uh... uh, the R.V. Show at the Rose Bowl.

223. No, you are doing that Sunday— Sunday afternoon, 1:02 p.m.

224. Oh, that's right. That's right. Well, that's—

225. that's the biggest one in the country.

226. No, that's the— that's the national one.

227. Is that right? Yeah.

228. I mean, they got all the R.V. dealers

229. from all over the Western region.

230. They got a ton of money, those people.

231. Ton of money.

232. Hey, Hank. Hey now.

233. Could I talk to you for a second?

234. Sure. Great. Come on.

235. I'm gonna be in here. All right.

236. You know, Hank, I was just wondering

237. why you say that "hey now" thing.

238. What do you mean?

239. Well, it's just something that you used on the show.

240. And now you're starting to use it in your personal life.

241. And, it's an affectation of some sort, isn't it?

242. Did you ever say "hey now" as a kid?

243. No. I don't— I probably didn't.

244. Uh-huh.

245. Um, but I— I said "hey." Yeah.

246. And I said "now"--

247. I mean, at different times. Sure, sure, I see.

248. But no, I never put them together till later in life.

249. So in that sense, it's— it's part of my personality.

250. You know, Hank, this isn't easy for me, but, uh...

251. would you mind not doing it on the show anymore?

252. 'Cause, frankly, I'll tell you—

253. Well— well, wait a minute.

254. Are you telling me that when you do your, uh... Yeah?

255. You do— you do this, that isn't the same affectation? Yeah?

256. That isn't the same as my "hey now"?

257. There, you just said it again,

258. and, you know, I asked you not to say it.

259. You mean I can't say it offstage?

260. It doesn't even exist.

261. Use "hey now" in a sentence, Hank.

262. Uh, hey now, that was real funny.

263. You know what, Hank?

264. It's not even in the dictionary, "hey now."

265. Okay, okay, this is how I use "hey now"

266. in a sentence, okay?

267. You say, "And of course, my sidekick Hank."

268. "And of course, my sidekick Hank."

269. Hey now!

270. Hank— That's a sentence.

271. No, Hank, listen.

272. I just prefer you not do it on the show anymore, okay?

273. I just, uh— it gets on my nerves.

274. It gets on the audience's nerves as well.

275. No, sir. No, sir. It does.

276. No. Hank—

277. Look, you're not out there.

278. And believe me, it is— it's very big with the audience. No.

279. And I'm gonna tell you something else.

280. I think it helps make the show work.

281. It's part of our whole interplay on camera.

282. By interplay, you mean the times we're both awake?

283. Hey now.

284. Just cut down on it. Could you do that, please?

285. Miss Janet Jackson is landing as we speak.

286. Let me call you back.

287. Little Al Unser is waiting with a car in the white zone

288. to whisk her to the studio.

289. She's not coming, is she, Artie? Gonna be here any minute.

290. She's not coming. Yes.

291. You said she's landing.

292. For all we know, she could be circling, Artie.

293. She's not going to circle, she's going to land.

294. Now, La Toya, she could circle.

295. Now, there's a gal that could be circling for years.

296. Feel free to put that in your monologue.

297. Hey now, Artie. Hey.

298. Hey, I wish I could pop in and out of work

299. whenever I wanted.

300. Did he hear me?

301. You should talk to him.

302. I don't like seeing you two like this.

303. Yeah, neither do I.

304. You know, he's taking advantage of our friendship, Artie.

305. When I met him, he was a just a cruise director.

306. And you made him everything he is.

307. I'm not implying that.

308. Hank's his own man, Larry.

309. He's a man, let's leave it at that.

310. This is just a gig he squeezes in between all his other jobs.

311. After the show, talk to him.

312. It's not as if you have a million friends.

313. I'm your friend.

314. "And now, fresh from her 'Rhythm Nation' tour,

315. please welcome—" Dear God,

316. if there's any justice in this world, Janet Jackson.

317. Don't write that part.

318. So, I hear we're doing a full hour on the dog expert.

319. Gee, I hope we don't run long

320. and preempt regularly scheduled programming.

321. I'd like to see more of that humorous thinking on the show.

322. Artie?

323. Artie, I would settle for Tito at this point.

324. I just want you to know that.

325. Listen, she's gonna be here, okay, Larry? All right.

326. It's just a question of which part of the show

327. she's gonna be on. Just make sure she's—

328. it's when we're on the air, Artie, that's all I ask.

329. And don't do that.

330. I know you think it calms me.

331. I've seen terrorists do it, Artie.

332. He's not listening to me, Sid.

333. How are you, by the way? All right?

334. Uh... take this joke out.

335. And you know what?

336. Golf— the golf "club" instead of golf "team."

337. And... underline— underline "looting."

338. Hank, have you got a second?

339. Sure.

340. Bruno, give us a minute here, will you?

341. Uh, yeah. Thanks a lot.

342. Do you think Janet Jackson's gonna show, Hank?

343. Oh. You got her booked for today?

344. Listen, Hank, I want you to know,

345. it's not even the "hey now" thing

346. that I'm mad about, and— and I— and...

347. it's not that you fall asleep on the couch.

348. I— I don't fall asleep.

349. Well, nodding off.

350. I pay attention, I— I— I am there.

351. You happen to have, you know,

352. a lot of other things on your plate,

353. which, by the way—

354. Well, don't worry about my plate.

355. You worry about your half of the show.

356. I thought I just heard you say "my half."

357. Is that what you just said, my half of the show, Hank?

358. What— what the hell is that?

359. This is a corset.

360. Why are you wearing it?

361. Because I— I believe it makes me look thinner.

362. And it does.

363. You look a little like Kitty in "Gunsmoke."

364. Why don't you shove it up your ass?

365. Or do you already do that commercial?

366. No, I don't, but that's a good idea.

367. Thanks, I'll call my agent. Sure.

368. I'd like some of the commission, by the way.

369. I'll see you out there.

370. See you out there.

371. I don't— I don't need any hand makeup.

372. Well— I just don't.

373. Fine, if— if that's what you want,

374. if— if you want your face and hands to clash, all done.

375. All right, all right. No, sorry.

376. A little.

377. No, no.

378. Seriously, we, uh, we— really, we couldn't do the show

379. without you, gang, so thank you for coming on down here tonight.

380. And let me ask you— let me ask you a favor.

381. Can you all hear me?

382. When I say, "three," you give me a "hey now."

383. Ready? One, two, three...

384. Hank and audience: Hey now!

385. Very, very good.

386. Larry— Larry— Larry's gonna be out in five seconds,

387. so let him know you're out there, okay?

388. Ready now?

389. In five, four...

390. Janet Jackson is out, T Bone Burnett is in.

391. Oh...

392. You were right, she was circling, she got diverted to Reno.

393. Fucking fog.

394. Live on tape from Hollywood,

395. "The Larry Sanders Show."

396. Tonight, join Larry and his guests Earl Holliman,

397. T Bone Burnett, dog expert Carl Henckel, and me,

398. hey now, Hank Kingsley.

399. So talk to me about golden retrievers

400. being seeing eye dogs.

401. I did not know that they used mostly retrievers now.

402. Yes, they go through a rigorous training program,

403. up to about three or four years before a guide dog is graduated.

404. Is that right? Yes.

405. And, uh...

406. And yet their natural instinct to retrieve

407. does not get in the way, I assume,

408. of being a guide dog

409. because therein, you would have...

410. Floyd, you said he'd be here ten minutes ago.

411. What if we copter him in?

412. What do you mean there are no helicopters?

413. For God's sakes, tell them he's a burn victim.

414. If he were a kidney, he'd have been here an hour ago.

415. Great, well, thanks.

416. And we'll be right back.

417. Absolutely delightful.

418. Hey, you two.

419. Hey.

420. That was great.

421. Yeah. Very funny.

422. Good, good, good.

423. And when we come back from commercial,

424. you'll do another segment with the dog man.

425. What are you talking about?

426. Where's T Bone?

427. T Bone is coptering in. He'll be here. Oh, for God's sakes, Artie.

428. Mr. Holliman sings, by the way.

429. Oh, there's good news.

430. Artie, if I had a gun, I'd put it in my mouth,

431. turn, and take us both out.

432. I can't wait to read that book.

433. Arthur, Arthur.

434. Listen, do you think the Angie Dickinson story played okay?

435. Oh, yeah.

436. Terrifically as always, Earl.

437. Well, you got a new series, huh? You and Delta Burke.

438. Got 'em. Back in five.

439. We're back with dog expert Carl Henckel,

440. who's written a wonderful book called "My Dog, Myself."

441. Teaching us how to train a dog in five days. Five days.

442. And we are up to approximately day four.

443. I found your book, if I may say, fascinating,

444. and I've enjoyed thoroughly talking to you about dogs,

445. and, uh, myself.

446. Hank, have you ever had a dog?

447. Hank has had a dog.

448. (clears throat) Okay.

449. Well, I thought you might've, in fact had a dog.

450. I thought you—

451. Actually, um, Doctor, maybe— maybe you could help me out.

452. Uh, my dog, Felipe.

453. Felipe.

454. Yes. I did not recall that.

455. Yes, Felipe Xavier Kingsley.

456. I see. Yes, well, anyway.

457. But Doctor, my dog, Felipe, has a particular problem.

458. He can never stop, mmm...

459. uh, licking himself.

460. I believe that's learned behavior, Hank.

461. When you stop, the dog will stop.

462. I think that is—

463. It's that old, monkey see, monkey do.

464. Yeah.

465. Well, I got—

466. Something has to give,

467. because he used to lick himself and then kiss me on the face.

468. Oh, boy. I couldn't—

469. I would just cut out the middleman there

470. and lick him.

471. By the way, none of this is covered in my book.

472. No.

473. I think it sounds like a good chapter.

474. Might improve the sales.

475. But if the, uh—

476. sometimes, I would have a lady come back to the house.

477. "Sometimes" is the key phrase on the lady thing.

478. And Felipe would put his nose in, uh—

479. how do you say this on television?

480. An awkward place.

481. Do you understand what I'm saying?

482. With her, and he hadn't even met her.

483. Yeah, cutting into Hank's action, in effect.

484. Indeed, indeed, he is,

485. but the woman always says, "Oh, that's okay.

486. He doesn't know what he's doing,"

487. and I'm thinking, maybe I ought to get a dog costume.

488. Listen, Hank, if you call our office

489. of Actors and Others for Animals,

490. we can get you neutered for a very low cost.

491. You know—

492. Is, uh, T Bone here?

493. Why is T Bone chasing Paula?

494. My next guest is a gifted musician

495. and a talented producer.

496. His new album— his, uh, the—

497. We do not have the cover,

498. but this is what it looks like once you open it.

499. This is what you play.

500. Really— what, really, good does the cover do you?

501. Uh, his new album is called "The Criminal Under my Own Hat."

502. I'm a big fan, please welcome T Bone Burnett.

503. You saved my ass.

504. That's my job. Yeah.

505. And I did it without saying "hey now."

506. I'm sorry about that "hey now" thing.

507. I just was a little upset that you do all those other jobs. That's just—

508. Oh, come on, you could go with me on those other jobs.

509. I mean, they would love to have you there.

510. You could do those jobs.

511. I don't want to go on those other jobs with you.

512. I just wish we could be friends

513. the way we used to be, that's all.

514. That's all it is.

515. Yeah. I miss you, too.

516. Look, I fell asleep on the couch.

517. I'm— I'm sorry.

518. Don't lecture me anymore. I can't help it.

519. I just get— I get—

520. I turned into an asshole the last couple of years.

521. Well, that's okay.

522. I've turned into a moron.

523. I mean, just have a good time with it.