1. Now, that sign says
"Applesauce."Copy !req
2. No, no, no. I'm kidding.
(audience laughs)Copy !req
3. It says "Applause."Copy !req
4. Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?Copy !req
5. All right.Copy !req
6. Now remember, you're all
a big part of the show,Copy !req
7. so the better you are,
the better Larry is.Copy !req
8. All right, here we go.Copy !req
9. This is exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
10. In five, four, three, two...Copy !req
11. Live, on tape from Hollywood,
"The Larry Sanders Show."Copy !req
12. Tonight, join Larry
and his guests...Copy !req
13. Bebe Neuwirth,
Penny Marshall,Copy !req
14. Garth Brooks and me,
"Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.Copy !req
15. And now, because I am daffy
about this guyCopy !req
16. and I don't care
who knows it...Copy !req
17. Larry...Copy !req
18. Sanders!Copy !req
19. Thank you.Copy !req
20. Thank you very much.Copy !req
21. Before I go on
with the monologue,
I have to ask Hank...Copy !req
22. what is "daffy"?Copy !req
23. I mean, you said you're
"daffy about the guy,"
which scares me.Copy !req
24. What exactly does
"daffy" mean?Copy !req
25. Well, it shouldn't scare you.
I mean, um...Copy !req
26. cuckoo about the guy.Copy !req
27. You should get some help.Copy !req
28. I'm getting some
immediately after the show.Copy !req
29. Hope the bars are open.Copy !req
30. Larry Bird retired
because he said
he realized he was white.Copy !req
31. Gerald Ford's son, Steven,
is going to beCopy !req
32. in a new NBC series
called "Secret Service."Copy !req
33. Not since Neil Bush
appeared on televisionCopy !req
34. in "America's Most Wanted"
has a...Copy !req
35. president's son
been on television.Copy !req
36. Speaking of, uh,
President Bush,Copy !req
37. he says that he's going
to "come out swinging."Copy !req
38. Isn't that what
got Clinton into trouble?Copy !req
39. Do not flip around.
Come right back.Copy !req
40. Do not flip around.Copy !req
41. Do not flip...Copy !req
42. Please explain
Garth Brooks to me.Copy !req
43. He's a sweet kid,
good old boy.Copy !req
44. Chicks seem to dig
his sound.Copy !req
45. "Chicks seem
to dig his sound"?Copy !req
46. Artie, I don't wanna keep you.
I know you have Twiggy waiting
at your pad.Copy !req
47. Does this hat make my ass
look fat, by the way?Copy !req
48. Horse hockey. Everybody
looks good in a cowboy hat.Copy !req
49. Yeah, right.
Larry. Larry.Copy !req
50. Before you take off,Copy !req
51. I've invited
a Mr. Ben Smalley
to the show,Copy !req
52. and he's the head honcho
from Chicken In A Minute...Copy !req
53. Uh-huh.
that fast-food
chicken place?Copy !req
54. It's a national chain,
and they're looking
for a new spokesman,Copy !req
55. and it's between me
and that obnoxious turdCopy !req
56. who does that
"Hey, Vern" character.Copy !req
57. Oh, that's Ernest.
Hey, he's funny.Copy !req
58. "Hey, Vern."
"What do you say, Vern?"
He's a pisser.Copy !req
59. We gotta get him
on the show.
Listen—Copy !req
60. Mr. Ben Smalley's coming
the night after next.Copy !req
61. Now, would it be possible
for me to mention
Chicken In A MinuteCopy !req
62. during the actual body
of the show?Copy !req
63. Right. Right.
Phone call for me.
Better get that.Copy !req
64. Well, listen, we'll...
we'll be discussing this...Copy !req
65. I thought we agreed
that the fishing pole
was an outdoor toy.Copy !req
66. You are such a girl,
and besides, the shag bass
are biting, honey.Copy !req
67. What?
The shag bass.Copy !req
68. Honey! Jesus!
What?Copy !req
69. We're having
this for dinner.
Let's cook it up.Copy !req
70. Put it back.
Put it back?Copy !req
71. Yes.
Want me to throw it back
into the carpet?Copy !req
72. No, I want you to put it
back in the fridge.Copy !req
73. Popular talk-show host
Larry Sanders...Copy !req
74. Look.
was involved
in an incidentCopy !req
75. at Quinn's Market
in Larchmont Village
yesterday evening.Copy !req
76. Shopper Carol Biederman says
she was just waiting in lineCopy !req
77. when Sanders pushed his way
in front of her, knocking her
into a magazine rack.Copy !req
78. He just bumped me
out of his way
like I wasn't even there.Copy !req
79. It was just rude, you know?Copy !req
80. I think that
we have to send a messageCopy !req
81. to these celebrities
and say, like...Copy !req
82. you know, just because
we're the little people,Copy !req
83. doesn't mean
that we don't exist.Copy !req
84. You know, he looks thin
when you see him on his show,Copy !req
85. but in real life,
he has kind of a gut.Copy !req
86. What was he buying?
Turn it off.Copy !req
87. He had a really big bottle
of Excedrin.
You wanna playback?Copy !req
88. No, turn it off.
Giant size.Copy !req
89. Artie, please?
And a jar of...Copy !req
90. Do you recognize
that woman?
No.Copy !req
91. But you were in this
supermarket last night?Copy !req
92. Oh, Artie, for god's sakes,
put a bright light on me.Copy !req
93. Yes. I was in the supermarket.Copy !req
94. I had one of those
headaches where I get
that tunnel vision.Copy !req
95. I pulled off to get
some Excedrin at the nearest
place I could,Copy !req
96. went in, got the Excedrin
and got some artichoke hearts,
'cause you know I love those.Copy !req
97. Artichoke hearts?
Ever try 'em in a salad?Copy !req
98. They really add zing.
Don't they?Copy !req
99. So I go,
I get that stuff.Copy !req
100. The woman must have seen me
in the supermarket, and she
makes up this whole story,Copy !req
101. like, you know, she's clearly
delusional and pathetic.Copy !req
102. She sounds exactly
like that crazy womanCopy !req
103. that keeps breaking
into Letterman's house.Copy !req
104. Except, instead of a house,
it was a supermarket.Copy !req
105. Instead of Letterman,
it was you.Copy !req
106. Instead of breaking in,
she got pushed.Copy !req
107. Instead of New York, L.A.Copy !req
108. Instead of a redhead—
I'll tell you what
pisses me off.Copy !req
109. The news media should have
something better to doCopy !req
110. than focus on me and my little
artichoke hearts.Copy !req
111. That's why I refuse
to watch the local news.
"Two kittens fell in a well."Copy !req
112. Who gives a shit?
Exactly.Copy !req
113. Who are you calling?Copy !req
114. I don't want anybody
to talk to the reporters.Copy !req
115. What reporters?Copy !req
116. Not many.Copy !req
117. How many?Copy !req
118. Not many.Copy !req
119. Approximately.
Approximately not many.Copy !req
120. Have you ever seen Larry be,
say, physically abusive
to one of his employees?Copy !req
121. No, he's never been.
Absolutely not.Copy !req
122. Although, it depends
on what you mean
by "physically abusive."Copy !req
123. I mean, would you call
beating a man half to deathCopy !req
124. because he ran out
of nondairy creamer abusive?Copy !req
125. And, of course, after you beat
a man like that, you know
what the next step is.Copy !req
126. Larry had to make him
his bitch.
Yep.Copy !req
127. Trouble on
the Carol Biederman front.Copy !req
128. Does the bag boy say
I shot him?
Oh, worse than that.Copy !req
129. Security camera
at the supermarket.Copy !req
130. "Entertainment Tonight"
got a copy of the tape.Copy !req
131. How did you get it?
Mary Hart sent it to me.Copy !req
132. I fished a dead bird
out of her spa
on the Fourth of July.Copy !req
133. She owed me a favor.
Okay. Put it in.Copy !req
134. You're gonna see
that all we're gonna see isCopy !req
135. me and my artichoke hearts
and my Excedrin.Copy !req
136. That's all.Copy !req
137. I'm tellin' you.Copy !req
138. Would you like to be
the guy who watches
this all day long?Copy !req
139. Ten bucks says
it's a cable channel
by the end of the year.Copy !req
140. There she is.
Is that her?Copy !req
141. Yep.
Look at her.
She's not gonna buy that.Copy !req
142. Hey, this isn't a fuckin'
lending library, lady.Copy !req
143. Look who's here.
There's Larry.Copy !req
144. And the artichokes
are in your, uh, left hand?Copy !req
145. Left hand.Copy !req
146. Believe so.Copy !req
147. Turn it off.
There's nothing else to see.Copy !req
148. They're making something
out of nothing.Copy !req
149. Hey! Whoa!
I'm fucked.Copy !req
150. I'm really fucked.Copy !req
151. Thanks for coming in
on such short notice, Norman.Copy !req
152. What do you mean?
I'm a publicity man.
Damage control is my job.Copy !req
153. Listen, you guys,
I just don't remember,
honestly,Copy !req
154. bumping into
this woman at all.Copy !req
155. I remember I was
in the grocery store,
and I heard a crash,Copy !req
156. but, you know, it's
a supermarket in L.A.,
I figured it was looting.Copy !req
157. That's understandable.
It would've been
my first thought.Copy !req
158. Then, after I saw the tape,
I remembered that woman.Copy !req
159. Okay, I've never seen
a grocery cart
so overloaded in my life.Copy !req
160. The woman must have been
storing stuff for the quake
or something.Copy !req
161. Take it easy, Larry.
Let that Excedrin
work for you.Copy !req
162. What's the word
from the network, Norm?Copy !req
163. Well, they were fine
until they saw the tape,Copy !req
164. and then they started
coughing up blood.Copy !req
165. I mean, half the civilized
world is gonna watchCopy !req
166. "Entertainment Tonight"
in a few hours,Copy !req
167. and they're gonna see
Larry Sanders body-slamCopy !req
168. a woman half his size
into a metal rack.Copy !req
169. Aah...Copy !req
170. What?
Terrible.Copy !req
171. No, no. This is
a publicity bonanza.Copy !req
172. Gentlemen,
I'm wetting myself.
The woman wants an apology.Copy !req
173. And after seeing the tape,
I think she deserves one.Copy !req
174. I'm just gonna apologize,
and then we're done
with the whole thing.Copy !req
175. Just wait one second.Copy !req
176. Let's not kill this cow
before we've milked it.Copy !req
177. Isn't this
negative publicity, Norm?Copy !req
178. No, no.
There's no such thing.Copy !req
179. Look. Flashback
two years ago, okay?Copy !req
180. The Roseanne Barr show
is number 12 in the nation.Copy !req
181. Then she does
this little thing called
the national anthem.Copy !req
182. The country is outraged.Copy !req
183. Cut to two months later.
The show is number one.Copy !req
184. So what are you saying?Copy !req
185. That after the monologue,
I should scratch my balls
and spit?Copy !req
186. Larry, Larry, just—
no, really, look what's
going on around you.Copy !req
187. I mean, you got you,
you got Leno, Letterman,
Arsenio...Copy !req
188. whoopy, doopy, poopy.Copy !req
189. Now some chick
in the supermarket,Copy !req
190. she swings
the spotlight onto you.Copy !req
191. You want to let it go right by
and land on somebody else?Copy !req
192. I mean, this is
a terrific opportunity,
and I'm wetting myself again.Copy !req
193. You may have
a problem there, Norm,Copy !req
194. that's just completely
unrelated to the world
of publicity.Copy !req
195. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
196. What's up, Norm?Copy !req
197. CNN is airing the tape.Copy !req
198. Oh, great. So now everyone
in Iraq knows I'm an asshole.Copy !req
199. Larry, Larry...Copy !req
200. you are gonna pull
a gigantic audience tonight,Copy !req
201. and a bigger one
tomorrow night.Copy !req
202. Larry, do you know
what I'm doing?Copy !req
203. Yeah, but don't worry.
The chairs are Scotchgarded.Copy !req
204. My point is, do you want
to double your audience share,Copy !req
205. or do you want to apologize
and just nip it
all in the bud?Copy !req
206. What do you think, Artie?Copy !req
207. Well, personally,
I lean toward nipping,
but on the other hand,Copy !req
208. this is the sort of thing
that might have kept
Dennis Miller on the air,Copy !req
209. for another week or two.Copy !req
210. All right. Let's let it slide
for a couple days.Copy !req
211. We'll see
what happens. Okay?
You will not be sorry.Copy !req
212. Hi, I'm Suzanne Vafiadis with
E! Entertainment Television.Copy !req
213. Popular talk-show host
Larry Sanders'
greatest challengeCopy !req
214. isn't coming from
Jay or Arsenio,Copy !req
215. but from grocery shopper
Carol Biederman.Copy !req
216. Today the controversy
heated up againCopy !req
217. when a videotape taken from
an in-store security cameraCopy !req
218. revealed Sanders knocking
the petite Miss BiedermanCopy !req
219. into a metal display stand.Copy !req
220. Hello, everyone, and welcome
to "Showbiz Today."Copy !req
221. The Larry Sanders controversy
continues.Copy !req
222. Upon closer examination,
the videotape first broadcast
on CNN clearly showsCopy !req
223. Larry Sanders shoving
the former honor student,Copy !req
224. Carol Biederman,
into the magazine rack.Copy !req
225. Sanders has yet to apologize
for this insensitive act.Copy !req
226. CNN talked to Tommy Oh,
a store employeeCopy !req
227. at Quinn's Market in Hollywood
who witnessed the incident.Copy !req
228. I was just, you know,
ringing up a customer,
and boom.Copy !req
229. I see this lady go flying.Copy !req
230. I don't know much
about this Sanders guy,Copy !req
231. but, you know,
I don't think Arsenio would do
something like this.Copy !req
232. At the University of Illinois
in Champaign-Urbana,Copy !req
233. college students have created
a new dance they call
"The Sanders Shuffle."Copy !req
234. Insiders tell us
that it involves
only a few simple stepsCopy !req
235. but a whole lot
of pushing and shoving.Copy !req
236. Larry Sanders...Copy !req
237. Carol Biederman.Copy !req
238. You okay?Copy !req
239. What's it like?
What's what like?Copy !req
240. What's it like
being nobody?Copy !req
241. Oh boy, I can see
this is gonna be
a fun conversation.Copy !req
242. No. I mean, what's it like
not being a celebrity?
Oh.Copy !req
243. I mean, you must do
a lot of shitty things
in your personal life.Copy !req
244. I bet you bumped into someone
in a supermarket.Copy !req
245. Yeah, sure. Uh...Copy !req
246. well, the other day,
this guy tried to take
my parking spot at Vons.Copy !req
247. I yelled at him,
"Hey, you son of a bitch,"Copy !req
248. and I gave him the finger.Copy !req
249. That's a beautiful story.Copy !req
250. See, I can't do that.
I can't be an asshole.Copy !req
251. That must be real hard
for you, Larry.Copy !req
252. It is.
It's very frustrating.Copy !req
253. Think of Johnny Carson.
Remember when Johnny
got arrested for drunk drivingCopy !req
254. and it made the front page
of every newspaper?
Yeah.Copy !req
255. You know how many people
get arrested for drunk driving
every day?Copy !req
256. They're not on the front page
of the newspaper.Copy !req
257. Only Johnny Carson's on the
front page of the newspaper.
You know why?Copy !req
258. He was drunk.
No, but he's Johnny.
That's the point.Copy !req
259. You think she would have
sold those tapesCopy !req
260. to "Entertainment Tonight"
if I wasn't Larry Sanders?Copy !req
261. I'm moving to Montana.
That'll make everybody happy.Copy !req
262. I'm getting you an Excedrin.
I don't want
any more Excedrin.Copy !req
263. Fine. I'll have...
just get me none.Copy !req
264. Because I'm so wired...
I've had so many,
I can barely lie still.Copy !req
265. Now, let's go over
this once more.Copy !req
266. So we get
the Chicken In A MinuteCopy !req
267. papers and cups
and wrappers and things,Copy !req
268. and we put them
in the trash
in my office.Copy !req
269. You know,
not too obvious.Copy !req
270. You know, maybe we leave
one on the desk,Copy !req
271. and Mr. Ben Smalley will think
I eat there all the time.Copy !req
272. Okay. You want me to go
to Chicken In A Minute...Copy !req
273. Yes.
and buy food so you
can have the wrappers?Copy !req
274. No. No. Not buy. Not buy.
Forget the food.Copy !req
275. All we need are the wrappers.Copy !req
276. Why don't I just go outside
and climb into the Dumpster?Copy !req
277. No, no. Please, Darlene.Copy !req
278. I would never ask you
to do that.Copy !req
279. I mean... hey.Copy !req
280. You've got your dignity, babe.Copy !req
281. Remember that.Copy !req
282. How long has
he been in there?
It's almost three hours.Copy !req
283. Maybe he's taking a nap.
Arthur, Larry does not sleep
during the day.Copy !req
284. I can hear him
moving around in there.Copy !req
285. He's been sighing
and...Copy !req
286. He'll be all right.
Look, Arthur.Copy !req
287. He turned down an Excedrin.Copy !req
288. I didn't know that.Copy !req
289. Larry!
Buddy, open up!Copy !req
290. Go away, Artie.Copy !req
291. What are you doing
in there, pal?Copy !req
292. I'm vivisecting a choirboy.
Why don't you call John Tesh?Copy !req
293. Hey, that's the spirit.Copy !req
294. Listen, buddy, I'm looking
forward to this show tonight.Copy !req
295. Fred Savage is on.
His voice is changing.Copy !req
296. You'll get a lot
of fun out of that.Copy !req
297. And we've got this great dog
who drinks coffee while
he smokes a cigarette.Copy !req
298. You gotta see this
to believe it.Copy !req
299. Hey, Larry? Larry,
there's somebody
out here to see you.Copy !req
300. Hey, everybody,
it's Tony Danza.Copy !req
301. Yo, Angela, how ya doin'?
Listen, I got a new series
to pitch for you.Copy !req
302. It's me in an apartment
alone with a kitty.
Bad-luck kitty.Copy !req
303. The kitty keeps
gettin' into trouble.
It's a bad-luck kitty, right?Copy !req
304. Bad-luck kitty put
a spell on me.
Cram it, Jerry.Copy !req
305. Now, right this way, and...Copy !req
306. you remember Darlene,
my assistant.Copy !req
307. Hello.
Darlene,
you remember Mr. Smalley.Copy !req
308. You can call me Ben.
Oh, thank you.Copy !req
309. I had a parent named Ben.Copy !req
310. Oh, come on, Darlene.
Now, let's...Copy !req
311. maybe we can—
let's show BenCopy !req
312. that we can run
a tidy ship here.Copy !req
313. So let's put these
Chicken In A Minute
wrappersCopy !req
314. from the food
that we enjoyed earlierCopy !req
315. in the trash,
right where it belongs.Copy !req
316. Now, if we walk
right over here,Copy !req
317. we can drop in
and say hello to Larry.Copy !req
318. Hey now, Larry.
It's your good buddy.Copy !req
319. Fuck off, Hank.Copy !req
320. Now, right over here...Copy !req
321. Larry?Copy !req
322. (sighs)
Larry?Copy !req
323. Larry, open the door.
It's me.Copy !req
324. Larry, if you don't open
the door in the next
five seconds,Copy !req
325. I'm gonna tell everyone
out here the nickname you have
for your penis.Copy !req
326. (door rattles)
One...Copy !req
327. Good going, Jeannie.Copy !req
328. You think I should
apologize to her?
Absolutely.Copy !req
329. She's the one exploiting me.
Honey, you're bigger
than that.Copy !req
330. Rise above it.
I can no longer rise.Copy !req
331. I should go to Montana.
We should move.
That's bullshit.Copy !req
332. Hey, pal.
We got a show to do.
What do you say?Copy !req
333. Hey, listen,
I've decided...Copy !req
334. I'm going to apologize
to that woman and put an end
to all of this right now.Copy !req
335. I'm glad to hear that.Copy !req
336. It's obvious that you injured
her, and apologizing is
the right thing to do.Copy !req
337. It's the human thing to do.
It's the only thing to do.Copy !req
338. God bless you
for making the right choice.Copy !req
339. Good. Thank you.
I feel good about it.
Good. But consider this.Copy !req
340. Don't do this.
No, Larry, hear me out.Copy !req
341. Why not have her on the show
and apologize to her?Copy !req
342. I swear to Christ,
this is brilliant.Copy !req
343. The only way you're gonna
get better ratings is if
you marry Hank on the air.Copy !req
344. God, you're a sick fuck.
Thank you.Copy !req
345. I don't want to apologize
to her on the air.
Would you tell him, Artie.Copy !req
346. Norman, I like your idea.
Get Miss Biederman on.Copy !req
347. Apologize. Schmooze
the hell out of her.Copy !req
348. The audience
will love you for it.Copy !req
349. Before we go off the air
tonight, in continuing
the traditionCopy !req
350. of me not having
the smallest corner
of my lifeCopy !req
351. that isn't open
to public scrutiny,Copy !req
352. I would like to take these
last few minutes of tonight's
show to introduceCopy !req
353. fresh from taping
"A Current Affair"
and "Inside Edition,"Copy !req
354. we all know who this is,
the woman whom I bumped into
in the supermarket.Copy !req
355. Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcomeCopy !req
356. to Miss Carol Biederman.
Carol Biederman.Copy !req
357. Carol, nice to see you...
(continues indistinctly)Copy !req
358. Have a seat.Copy !req
359. Very nice of you
to come by.Copy !req
360. And may I say, first off,
just off the bat,Copy !req
361. you are twice as attractive
in personCopy !req
362. as you are
on that security camera.Copy !req
363. It does not do you justice.Copy !req
364. I just want to take
this opportunityCopy !req
365. to apologizeCopy !req
366. and to say that, um,Copy !req
367. I'm really very sorry
for what happened.Copy !req
368. I didn't see you there.Copy !req
369. I think you saw me,
and I also thinkCopy !req
370. that you know what you did.Copy !req
371. Everybody saw it.Copy !req
372. I don't think...Copy !req
373. that's necessarily true
that everybody saw it.Copy !req
374. I think that
a lot of people saw it,Copy !req
375. but the main thing is
we're here tonight
to sort of mend the fence.Copy !req
376. That's right.
Sort of to, you know...Copy !req
377. And, Carol, because...Copy !req
378. As a sort of token
of my... apology,Copy !req
379. I would like you to acceptCopy !req
380. from me to you...Copy !req
381. a beautiful, brand-new
refrigerator/freezer.Copy !req
382. I'm so happy
to have you here, Carol,Copy !req
383. and there's nothing
more important
than one's human dignity,Copy !req
384. and I hope you will accept
this as a token from
"The Larry Sanders Show."Copy !req
385. I don't think
I can accept that until
I talk to my attorney.Copy !req
386. It might be construed
as a settlement for
my damages.Copy !req
387. Well, gee, I mean,Copy !req
388. if you wanna get
your attorneys involved,
I certainly can get my lawyer.Copy !req
389. Easy, easy, big man.Copy !req
390. I think what Larry's
trying to say—
if I may say—Copy !req
391. is that this is a gesture
of goodwill, as he says,Copy !req
392. and maybe you can
help him ease his guiltCopy !req
393. by accepting a beautiful,
beautiful present
from Antarctic.Copy !req
394. It's a gorgeous freezer.
Gorgeous freezer.Copy !req
395. Right. It's an Antarctic 5000.
That's what I thought.Copy !req
396. And I believe it has
an automatic ice makerCopy !req
397. and dual beverage dispensers.
Is that right?Copy !req
398. And patented, self-regulating
Frostbuster technology.Copy !req
399. It's the future
of your kitchen today,
and it's only from Antarctic.Copy !req
400. Boy, that is...
Thank you, Cindy.Copy !req
401. Cindy?
Yes, that's Cindy.Copy !req
402. That's Cindy Remington,
a junior at USC majoring
in telecommunications,Copy !req
403. and I believe
she loves horses.Copy !req
404. Cindy Remington.
That'll be fine.Copy !req
405. It... it is a nice one.Copy !req
406. Please accept it before
he describes the ribbon.Copy !req
407. I will accept
the refrigerator.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
408. Thank you, Carol.
Just in the nick of time.Copy !req
409. Artie is signaling
we're out of time.
Thank you all for watching.Copy !req
410. Thank you, Carol, and we'll
see you all tomorrow night.Copy !req
411. Good night. Sleep well.Copy !req