The Larry Sanders Show 1x11

1. Now, that sign says "applesauce."

2. (laughing) No, no, no.

3. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

4. Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

5. All right.

6. Now, remember, you're all a big part of the show.

7. So, the better you are, the better Larry is.

8. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

9. Now he's giving me this sign,

10. and it says we're on in ten seconds.

11. So get ready to have a good time.

12. All right, here we go.

13. In five, four, three, two...

14. Live on tape from Hollywood,

15. "The Larry Sanders Show."

16. Tonight, join Larry and his guests,

17. John Forsythe,

18. Rosie Perez,

19. Richard Marx, and me,

20. "Hey now" Hank Kingsley!

21. And now, because he's standing behind the curtain

22. waiting to come out,

23. Larry Sanders!

24. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

25. Thank you.

26. Hank, Artie.

27. Thank you very much.

28. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

29. If I seem a little confused, I'm just in a lot of turmoil.

30. I just feel so stupid.

31. I don't know if I should be pulling

32. for Bosnia or Herzegovina.

33. Well, you're no better than last night's audience.

34. Thank you.

35. So, Bill Clinton intends

36. to actually stop the fighting in Bosnia.

37. At least, that's what he was overhead saying

38. to some chick in a bar.

39. Group together. Your instincts are right.

40. The Surgeon General announced today,

41. it is now official,

42. you are not fully clean unless you're zestfully clean.

43. I told you—

44. I told you that joke would not work. Didn't I, Hank?

45. It, uh, it's very funny to me.

46. How does it— How does it go again?

47. Oh, that's what I want to do.

48. The Surgeon General announced, it is now official,

49. you are not clean—

50. Maybe I didn't say it exactly right?

51. You're not fully clean, unless you're zestfully clean.

52. It's funnier every time I hear it.

53. You can't go for the masses.

54. No, I'll just go— Just announcers around the country are laughing.

55. You're a wonderful audience. We have a terrific show tonight.

56. Thanks for coming. We have John Forsythe,

57. Rosie Perez, and Richard Marx.

58. Please, do not flip around.

59. Come right back.

60. Do not flip around.

61. We, uh, of course, have a—

62. We have a terrific show lined up for this evening.

63. But before we get into it,

64. of course, it's 11:40 on Thursday,

65. and that can mean only one thing,

66. it's time for a Hank weight update.

67. You ready?

68. All right. This week I have dropped...

69. Seven pounds.

70. All right.

71. All right. Settle down.

72. And you are down to...

73. 198 and a half.

74. Now, because—

75. You're down to 198?

76. That's right. And a half. The first—

77. And a half. The first time you're below 200

78. since we've started the Hank weight update.

79. We have a special surprise for you, Hank.

80. Hi, everybody!

81. Does he look wonderful or what?

82. Hank. Hank. Yes, sir.

83. You look absolutely unbelievable.

84. Look at this. Look at this picture.

85. Look at this, everybody.

86. Do you know who this person is?

87. That's— That's the old Hank.

88. May I see that?

89. May I— May I see that? Yes. Yes.

90. This picture was taken an hour ago in the commissary.

91. Gimme this picture back!

92. This is not— Stop it, Larry!

93. This is not the old Hank, this is the hour-old Hank.

94. Can't you be supportive?

95. I can be supportive.

96. Can't you be supportive of Hank?

97. I have— Hank, look at me.

98. Yes. Yes. Hank, look at me.

99. This man is like the little boy next door

100. who used to make fun of people

101. and put people down. Just forgive him.

102. That is not true. I am supportive.

103. I have not mentioned the fact that he's bald. I—

104. Oh, my—

105. I am there for the man.

106. Larry, stop it!

107. Just stop it.

108. I don't like when you scold me.

109. Hank, I just wanna tell you... Yes?

110. that I like you for just who you are.

111. Thank you.

112. Am I right?

113. You all right? You all right?

114. I like Richard Simmons, very funny guy,

115. but what's he always jumping around for?

116. He's got the nervous energy of a squirrel.

117. I don't think that's healthy.

118. I think it's all a front.

119. I think they're gonna catch him going through a dumpster at Winchell's one night.

120. It'll all be over.

121. Right there on the Enquirer. Him eating just a few donuts out of the trash.

122. What is this? Oh, that's not supposed to be here.

123. That's supposed to be in my office.

124. What is it?

125. It's a new demographic report

126. from the network research people, you know.

127. Every 30 days, they take their thumb out of their ass,

128. they scribble down some numbers. It's all bullshit.

129. Yeah. Have you read this? Have you read this? No.

130. Yeah. Yeah.

131. So, we're gonna be getting a new one of these every month?

132. It's a new thing.

133. It's meaningless bullshit crap. I'm gonna throw it in the trash.

134. I wanna take a look at it.

135. Oh, jeez. Do you mind?

136. I'd like to take a little look at this.

137. What is this number right here? Bullshit.

138. Well, why don't you look? Okay.

139. This is a number... Yeah.

140. that says how likable you are

141. to the 18-34 age group. Uh-huh.

142. I don't believe this shit, though, do you?

143. Well, is this a low number, 4.2?

144. It's all relative. Here.

145. Here's your overall rating. This is a high number. Well, wait a minute.

146. Wait a minute. Relative to what?

147. Arsenio is a 9.3.

148. Well, it's not the size of the number, it's the motion of the ocean.

149. Oh, for god sakes, Artie.

150. I wish you were a woman. I'd feel a little better when you say that.

151. Where's Rush Limbaugh on here?

152. Oh, Pete's sake.

153. Look at, he's below Mengele.

154. It's alphabetical.

155. What is VL?

156. What is this?

157. Larry, I want you to put this—

158. Oh, Larry, I had the most wonderful time!

159. Oh, you have dogs. Yes.

160. I love dogs.

161. You know, I have six dalmatians.

162. Let me show you, I got a picture right here.

163. Richard, you were wonderful out there.

164. I learned a lot.

165. See? But we were just on our way out.

166. Here's Scarlett and Ashley,

167. and Prissy and Pittypat. I have six dalmatians. You know what, Richard,

168. Hank loves dogs. Why don't you show it to him?

169. He's over at The Smokehouse.

170. Oh. Oh, well, I hope they have salads.

171. Is there something we can do about my likability?

172. You wanna do what Arsenio does, eh?

173. No, of course not.

174. What is it that he does, exactly.

175. They send his shows to a focus group.

176. Oh, jeez. And if those people,

177. they decide that he's too hyper,

178. then Arsenio will go on the air and tone it down.

179. And if they say that he smiles too much,

180. then, you know, he smiles less.

181. That's ridiculous.

182. Of course it is. You're never gonna please every single viewer every night.

183. But Arsenio is going insane trying.

184. Did you see in "Entertainment Weekly," by the way,

185. where he said he's gonna kick our ass?

186. Yeah. That's why I have someone walk me to my car at night.

187. So, you're saying this is nothing, huh, Artie?

188. Oh, I'm going home. You're likable, Larry.

189. You're a very likable guy.

190. I'll see you tomorrow.

191. How you guys doing?

192. Hey, honey?

193. What?

194. I'm a nice guy, right?

195. Sure, honey. Great.

196. In your own way.

197. What?

198. In your own way you're likable.

199. Meaning?

200. Why are you asking me about this?

201. Well, I just—

202. Just tell me what you mean

203. "in my own way."

204. Well, you know, um,

205. you've got that thing.

206. What thing?

207. We've talked about this.

208. The hostility.

209. You're a funny person and all—

210. all funny people have a certain amount of rage

211. bubbling up underneath. So, I'm angry. I'm an angry—

212. No. No. I'm bubbling with anger.

213. No, not— Come on, you know, What am I—

214. that people watch your show

215. because you're partly an asshole.

216. We've talked about this.

217. You and who?

218. Me and— You and others?

219. You and me! You and the press?

220. Honey, you're a little hostile. You and—

221. I am not hostile. You're a little hostile.

222. It makes you interesting. It gives you an edge.

223. Well, there's an edge there. Yeah.

224. Honey.

225. More?

226. Please, don't eat in the living room.

227. Oh, for god sakes,

228. it's my fucking living room too, honey.

229. There you go.

230. Excuse me, sir.

231. I'll need to see an ID.

232. I don't mean to sound like a jerk, I'm Larry Sanders.

233. I'm really sorry.

234. But the people that I work for are very specific about—

235. Uh— Hey, Don. Oh, morning, Mr. Sanders.

236. How are you? Fine, how are you?

237. I left my ID in the car.

238. No problem.

239. Well... There isn't a problem, is there?

240. There's a... little problem. Oh, no, listen,

241. Rick here is new, and—

242. It won't happen again. That's all right, no problem.

243. No problem at all.

244. Welcome aboard, Rick.

245. What the fuck are you doing, man?

246. That's Mr. Sanders!

247. Actually, I think the key is making the guest look good.

248. I think that's the whole deal.

249. I don't think a guest wants to come on and feel like shit. You know?

250. Don't say "shit." Say "feel bad."

251. Are you taping this?

252. Uh, yeah, is that all right? Yeah, it's fine.

253. Could you look this way for a second? Sure.

254. Larry, did you ever get romantically involved with your guests on the show?

255. Uh, one time. Joan Embery brought something on I was attracted to.

256. Bad policy to date a guest, you know,

257. especially when they have to be back at the zoo at 6:30.

258. I just had an idea how we might wanna jazz this up a little bit.

259. I was thinking, um...

260. could we maybe take this dartboard Mm-hmm.

261. and, uh, we put a couple 8x10s of Arsenio and Jay Leno on it,

262. and then we get some shots of you throwing darts at them?

263. Well, how about if I sit in this chair,

264. and you take pictures of me?

265. I mean, this is an excellent idea.

266. No, it's okay. If you really want to do it, I'd be happy to.

267. Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. I did not mean, by the way—

268. Larry? We took care of that problem. Yes?

269. Uh, what problem?

270. You know, with security.

271. Increasing security lately?

272. Huh? No. You guys got in, didn't you?

273. I don't think the three of us know what you mean, Beverly.

274. You know, the guard who was a problem this morning?

275. No longer a problem.

276. Let's flip all the cards.

277. Just tell us exactly what you're trying to say.

278. They fired the guard who wouldn't let you in this morning.

279. Beverly...

280. I did not want that guard fired.

281. I like that guard. Would you—

282. Hire him back immediately.

283. It's all a misunderstanding.

284. Are you getting what you need here?

285. I can't believe you mentioned the thing about the security guard.

286. I know, I'm sorry about that.

287. But, oh, you only have one more interview today,

288. and that's with "The Advocate."

289. Why does "The Advocate" want to interview me?

290. Well, you've had so many gay guests on your show.

291. I have?

292. That's very funny. No, I didn't know that.

293. Excuse me. I'm serious.

294. You're gonna have to start giving me a signal of some sort.

295. All right.

296. Also, Mike Ovitz's office called.

297. He can't make the Dodger game. Yeah, that's what I figured.

298. Mike Ovitz hates me.

299. You know how many hundreds of thousands of dollars he makes off this show?

300. He just— Can I just tell you something?

301. You've gotta stop letting that man pluck your nerves the way you do.

302. Yeah, maybe you're right.

303. "Pluck your nerves." What is that, a black thing?

304. You're such an idiot.

305. But the homosexual community likes me, right?

306. There you go. Okay, come on.

307. And he's the world's youngest impressionist.

308. How old? Four.

309. Who does he do?

310. The usual. John Wayne, Elvis, Ed Sullivan.

311. That's it?

312. That's it. Arthur, give him a break. He's four years old.

313. Pass.

314. Uh, we got the world's oldest skateboarder. He's 74.

315. Pass. Let's call a brief moratorium

316. on all world's youngest,

317. world's oldest pitches, okay?

318. Fine. What else do you have?

319. Look at this.

320. We have the world's best skier under the age of four.

321. Haha, very funny. Pass.

322. Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Sanders.

323. Yes. (clapping)

324. Please, you're spoiling me.

325. Artie, can I talk to you for a second, please?

326. Paula, excuse us. Act natural.

327. I've been thinking. I'd like to try that focus group.

328. Oh, my god, this is the likability issue again, isn't it?

329. No, it's my ass.

330. Of course it is.

331. Can we just try it? You know, out of curiosity?

332. Larry, let me ask you something.

333. If 20 random people decided

334. that you'd look better with a crew cut, would you get one?

335. Yes. Fine. We'll do the focus group.

336. Hi.

337. Hank. Larry. Arthur.

338. Interrupting. Sorry.

339. Oh, no, Hank.

340. No, yes, he is.

341. Come on.

342. Uh, is this a— It is.

343. Is this an affiliate problem?

344. Because listen, I would be more than happy

345. to fly out to Bumfuck, Arkansas or wherever, you know,

346. and give 'em the old dog and pony show.

347. We were just discussing my likability ratings.

348. Uh-huh. Is that a TVQ?

349. Nielsen, Arbitron, in-house thing? In-house.

350. Oh. You know, I think— I mean, I think

351. you should consider getting yourself a publicist.

352. I'm with Weidenfeld-Johnson.

353. They are the best. They handle everything.

354. Appearances, endorsements, charities,

355. you know. I didn't know you did charity work.

356. Oh, yes. Really?

357. Yeah. I give of myself. Good for you.

358. The pay is great.

359. You know, they got me... TB this year.

360. Tuberculosis?

361. Yes, sir. The lung disease.

362. Oh, man, you know,

363. I don't think if I had an image problem that—

364. You don't.

365. That, uh,

366. being the spokesperson for some contagious disease

367. would really help.

368. Contagious?

369. No, no. Don't do that old gag.

370. I beg of you. No, wait.

371. Don't do it. No, watch. I can make it work.

372. Contagious?

373. Darlene?

374. Why isn't he that funny on the show?

375. That is completely uncalled for.

376. This is nice.

377. I told you my father was a strict disciplinarian.

378. Oh, man, I can't wait.

379. There were people on that plane.

380. Oh, I know. And they had to eat that food.

381. So, Ned Beatty canoe trip sketch?

382. Tonight. No, not tonight.

383. We have little kids on the show tonight.

384. Can we have a desk piece?

385. Yeah, we got the old stuff. The celebrity products stuff that you turned down.

386. Hey, let's do that. Yeah, we'll do it. Do it this time.

387. And listen, thanks for these.

388. And listen, I just, I wanna say,

389. I don't say this often enough,

390. I just really, you know,

391. appreciate all the hard work, uh,

392. that you do. Seriously.

393. And, uh...

394. maybe Thursday or something we'll all get together and...

395. What the hell was that?

396. Listen to me, these children inventors aren't gonna cry on the show, are they?

397. 'Cause it'll look like I made them cry.

398. And if they do cry I'm sure you'll be very funny.

399. You have been in the past.

400. I'm sure the harder they cry, Oh, for god sakes.

401. the funnier you are.

402. (knocking) You know it'll look bad.

403. Hello, it's the aerobic pest! Listen,

404. I have some Deal-a-Meal friends out here,

405. and they're just dying to meet Hank and they're really huge fans of him.

406. So we'll stay and see the show, is that okay?

407. It's always a pleasure to have you, Richard.

408. You're a delight. Oh.

409. Larry and I have a little pressing business to finish here.

410. Oh, oh, that's okay.

411. I'll just see— Your hands are freezing.

412. Bye! Okay, thanks!

413. Thanks, buddy, for those tank tops.

414. He gave you tank tops? A dozen.

415. A dozen? 12.

416. I know how many a dozen is.

417. Let me take a moment here to say something

418. that I needn't have to say.

419. I have too much eyeliner on, don't I?

420. Just because a focus group will be watching this show tonight,

421. it doesn't mean we'll do anything that we don't usually do.

422. Okay. Correct.

423. And that...

424. to learn something from this focus group— which we won't—

425. we have to give them an absolutely typical show.

426. "Liz Taylor's Passion.

427. "A scent for women,

428. and it tastes great on steak."

429. Tastes great on steak? What kind of a shit line is that?

430. You know we had that great Larry Fortensky joke,

431. and he wimps out and does this crap.

432. I wrote the steak line.

433. Tastes good on steak, huh? Yes, is the punchline.

434. Would you like to try some?

435. Oh, hey now, I'm still on that strict diet.

436. Oh, that's right. And, uh...

437. may I say, you look great,

438. and that, uh— and you're doing great

439. with that diet.

440. Thank you. It's not easy, I can tell you that.

441. Some friends yesterday insisted

442. that I join them at a smorgasbord.

443. Really?

444. I just had salad.

445. Was it an all-you-can-eat buffet?

446. Yes, it was.

447. Really?

448. All right, now here— Why does he keep saying "really"?

449. It gets on my nerves.

450. All right. But what I'd like to know is

451. do you find Larry friendly,

452. mildly friendly, neutral, or not friendly at all?

453. Uh, neutral.

454. Yeah, neutral. Neutral.

455. Love those celebrity products.

456. Likable, unlikable,

457. killer, pathological killer, psycho killer?

458. Well, I like that guy who goes "hey now."

459. Oh, yeah, he's funny when he goes "hey now."

460. There isn't one person in here I haven't seen on "America's Most Wanted."

461. I'm telling you. We should be making a phone call right now.

462. Okay, now, in an overall sense, do you find Larry likable?

463. Oh, yes. I saw him at the Seafood Broiler one night.

464. Just like a regular guy.

465. What was he eating?

466. Oh, he had one of those little white fish...

467. thing— Round— Oh, yeah, those...

468. Scallops.

469. Broiled?

470. No, sautéed.

471. Shh!

472. Why doesn't he have Howie Mandel on his show?

473. Howie Mandel cracks me up.

474. I told you we should have booked him.

475. Call him tomorrow.

476. Okay.

477. I like him. Well, I think Larry's really cute.

478. I mean, he does have really big nostrils,

479. and they're kind of uneven, but I like them.

480. Would you stop it?

481. Stop it.

482. Anything else?

483. I like Larry because he's from Minneapolis.

484. And I'm from Minneapolis, too.

485. Hey now!

486. I didn't know he was Canadian.

487. Canadians really get on my nerves.

488. Oh, this is, uh...

489. I can't watch this.

490. This is too sad, Artie.

491. You wanted to do it.

492. Yeah, well, now I know why "Baywatch" is in the top ten.

493. Sorry I'm late. What did they say about me?

494. Uh, nothing. They're just to the Martin Mull segment.

495. Hank, I thought you said I was gonna meet Larry?

496. There he is. Come on.

497. I'm very good in this segment.

498. Well, you can't deny they all seem to like you.

499. Yeah, well, I'm telling you,

500. I have a real problem.

501. 20 people could say they liked me, Artie,

502. and I'm telling you, I would still be thinking

503. 17 of them are lying,

504. two of them probably have severe emotional problems,

505. and one of 'em is probably confusing me with Larry King.

506. I gotta say something that's gonna sound trite,

507. but it's also true.

508. As soon as you start liking yourself,

509. you won't care what other people think.

510. Great. Then I'm totally fucked.

511. It's Richard Simmons.

512. I'm tired of running. Can't believe this.

513. Hey, Richard.

514. Oh. No, sorry.

515. Hey, you're Larry Sanders. Yeah.

516. I'm Steve Himmel. Hi, hi, hi.

517. I watch the show all the time. I really like you.

518. Thanks. You must be from Minneapolis.

519. (laughing) No, I'm not. Why?

520. Oh, just a bad guess.

521. Hey, what are you laughing at?

522. Oh, nothing.

523. Are you guys making fun of me? No, no, no. No.

524. Fuck you! Showbiz assholes.

525. I guess my favorite parts were Martin Mull...

526. the opening monologue,

527. the celebrity products, Mm-hmm.

528. and Hank. (bump)

529. Hey, now.