The Larry Sanders Show 1x10

1. All right, now, how many people are here

2. for their first television taping you've ever been to?

3. Can I see your hands?

4. Uh-huh, one, two, three... Okay, very good.

5. Now, uh, this is how it works.

6. Okay, ready?

7. Now first, you take off your clothes.

8. No, no. No, no, but seriously.

9. We, uh, we really— We couldn't do the show without you, gang,

10. so thank you for coming on down here tonight.

11. And uh... let me ask you to— Let me ask you a favor.

12. Can you all give me— When I say three, you give me a "Hey, now."

13. Ready? One, two, three.

14. Hey, now.

15. That's fantastic. Now do you see these applause signs?

16. Uh, uh, uh, or does that say "applesauce"?

17. Oh, no, that says "applause."

18. Okay, well— Come on, let's hear it, gang.

19. Hey, now!

20. Please stay, huh?

21. I really should get going. just for you.

22. Jeannie!

23. What a delightful surprise to have you here on the show.

24. We're on in 60 seconds.

25. I hope that's what you're planning on wearing.

26. This tie? You like it? It doesn't make my butt look fat, does it?

27. Haha! Very funny.

28. It's gonna be a hot show tonight.

29. Hot show. Stay? Uh—

30. No, I'm gonna go.

31. I'd be more than delighted to stash her in the green room.

32. Yeah, terrific.

33. 40 seconds, Larry. Let's go.

34. 40 seconds, Marty.

35. Well— Better go find some good jokes.

36. And now, because he not only owns the place...

37. You know what, give Marty a touch-up too. Larry Sanders!

38. Okay, it's time. Thank you.

39. Well, really, I haven't felt, uh—

40. I haven't felt this up since last night.

41. All right, so, never felt— Actually, never felt old.

42. And now— I gotta tell you what happened.

43. I'm watching television

44. and Gilligan, Bob Denver, is doing a commercial

45. here in Los Angeles on a local cable station

46. for a boat shop.

47. And Bob Denver, Gilligan, is like 70 now.

48. And it just wasn't attractive,

49. and he was still wearing the red sweater and the sailor hat.

50. And I'm going, "Oh, geez, well, at least he's off the island."

51. Bill Clinton announces—

52. Announced today that he would make some major changes at the White House.

53. If elected, he would change, uh, well,

54. in the Lincoln bedroom, he would put a water bed in.

55. So... Uh-huh.

56. Well... Yeah.

57. He fucked it up. Uh-huh.

58. The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words,

59. "adjustable beds."

60. His timing really sucks tonight.

61. He's off...

62. and running in what looks like another wonderful show.

63. Hi, Mrs. Sanders.

64. Hi. Hi.

65. Very funny monologue tonight.

66. Yeah, he is on. This is as on as I've seen him in a long time.

67. Right, very strong stuff.

68. Let's go watch at the monitors by the um...

69. Toilet? Mm. Toilet.

70. Toilet monitor is busted, boys.

71. Ha! Ha!

72. He's a funny man. Funny, funny man.

73. Yes.

74. Lucky us. Yeah.

75. Uh, so how's Elaine?

76. She's halfway to her ideal weight, whatever that's supposed to mean.

77. It's so much fun having you here at the show.

78. I really do wish we could see you more often.

79. Oh! So, enjoy.

80. Oh, well, you know, you and Elaine should come over sometime.

81. Where?

82. The house.

83. Where's that?

84. You've never been to the house before?

85. Not that I recall. I have no mental picture.

86. Oh, god, well, why don't you come over for dinner sometime?

87. Right, that'll be fun sometime.

88. No, really, what about tomorrow night?

89. Tomorrow?

90. That's very kind of you, I... I'll have to check with my better half.

91. Splendid Book, John. Beautiful pictures.

92. Wonderful. Wonderful.

93. Oh, Larry, can I ask you something?

94. Sure.

95. Your wife invited Elaine and me to dinner tomorrow.

96. Oh, okay.

97. What restaurant are we going to?

98. Your house.

99. "Your House"? What is that, a new Chinese place?

100. No, it's, uh, your house.

101. The place where you live.

102. The place I sleep in?

103. Larry, if this makes you uncomfortable, I know how you value your privacy

104. and Elaine and I can have other plans.

105. Do you?

106. Well... good.

107. No, I think it would be fun to have dinner. Don't you?

108. Absolutely.

109. Good. Excuse me.

110. All right, Artie, well, be there or be square.

111. I can do both.

112. Honey, it won't be like work, it'll be fun.

113. It will be like work, it will be a pain in the ass.

114. I'll be sitting there on a couch talking to people, entertaining,

115. without being able to say, "Hey, we'll be right back."

116. It'll be great.

117. Ah, it will not be.

118. Oh, honey. Look, it's just one evening, right?

119. Two people for four hours?

120. That's one person every two hours.

121. Half a person every hour.

122. All right. Put it that way,

123. but don't let Artie make these drinks.

124. He makes these drinks that are half salt and half vodka.

125. Swear to god, the olive floats at the top.

126. Oh, ladies, I can not go to the meeting tonight.

127. Excuse me. What, do you have a date or something?

128. You can not cancel Sister Circle for a man

129. 'cause that is, like, such the reason that we even go—

130. It's not a man, it's Larry.

131. He invited Arthur and his wife over for dinner and he wants me to come, too,

132. you know, kind of like a buffer.

133. He invited you to his home for dinner? Yeah.

134. Has anyone ever been to Larry's house for dinner?

135. Oh, not that I know of.

136. That is so weird, there has to be a reason for that.

137. I don't know. Look, I gotta go, but I'm really sorry about the meeting, okay?

138. Yeah.

139. She's getting a promotion.

140. Damn it!

141. We're still going to Sister Circle, right?

142. Whatever.

143. Beverly's being elevated?

144. Mm-hmm.

145. Oh, yes, I remember.

146. We discussed that.

147. Hmm. Yeah, what has Larry decided?

148. I thought maybe, a segment, uh, producer.

149. Ha!

150. It's all happening at his house?

151. His, uh... his actual house, huh?

152. That's...

153. interesting.

154. Hank?

155. Come in.

156. I hope you're sitting down.

157. Oh, geez, I am sitting down.

158. Well, then, don't get up

159. because I have here...

160. two tickets for tonight's Holyfield-Bowe Fight,

161. and I would like to bring...

162. you.

163. Let me see 'em.

164. That's great, lemme see 'em.

165. Let me see 'em.

166. Come on, Hank.

167. Let me see.

168. This is...

169. These are vitamins.

170. Please invite me to your party.

171. I don't have any tickets, there are no tickets.

172. Hank, I was just going to invite you...

173. when you came in.

174. Hey, now.

175. Well, I accept.

176. I am, uh... I'm very honored

177. and I would never miss a Larry Sanders event.

178. Half-past eight.

179. Excuse me, just, um,

180. and Beverly can give me the address, right?

181. Beverly, give it to him.

182. See? Told you.

183. Uh, give Shawna a buzz and see if she's free tonight.

184. Smokehouse?

185. Oh, no.

186. You tell her it's a big Larry Sanders shindig.

187. A real time of your life blowout.

188. You tell her everybody's gonna be there.

189. Ah.

190. You know, Darlene,

191. why don't you come?

192. No, no. No, no.

193. Now, it's been a long weekend, by god, you deserve it!

194. I wasn't invited.

195. Hey.

196. Hey. Hey!

197. Hank'll make it right.

198. Hi, Jeannie, Bev again.

199. Yeah, it's up to eight people.

200. Ah...

201. You better make that nine.

202. Yeah.

203. Why don't we just say ten, and—

204. No, I promise.

205. Come in.

206. Oh, hi. Where's Beverly?

207. She's at lunch. Can I talk to you for a second?

208. Yeah, you don't mind if I eat, do you?

209. No.

210. Listen, is there some kind of, um...

211. communication problem between us or, like,

212. some problem that you have with the way I do my job?

213. No.

214. I mean, I'm really sorry to get so emotional,

215. but there is just no justice in Beverly being promoted ahead of me.

216. That just doesn't make sense to me.

217. As the Talent Booker, I work hands-on with the people.

218. That's like a Segment Producer.

219. I mean, to be blunt, she's, like, a glorified secretary, Larry.

220. Who said— Who said Beverly's getting promoted? It doesn't make sense!

221. You don't have to say it, I mean, the dinner invitation kind of speaks volumes.

222. Oh, shit!

223. God, that fucking dinner.

224. You know, for once, I try and join my personal life

225. with my work life and I end up having fucking dinner. Jesus!

226. Look, now you're mad at me and I'm totally blowing it.

227. That's now what I came in here for—

228. I'm sorry. No, it's me, listen. Now you're really mad at me.

229. In my own unique way, I was trying to invite you

230. to what I believe will be a very fun dinner.

231. Really? Yes, and I would love for you to be there.

232. Will you please come?

233. Yes. Good.

234. Now please, go.

235. Well, it's up to 12.

236. Oh, 14, to be on the safe side.

237. Would you not invite any more people?

238. Geez, it's my— it's my dinner.

239. My house, my... sofa.

240. Right. Larry Sanders has spoken.

241. Ugh!

242. Larry, I'm gonna bring my Tarot cards tonight and do your wife.

243. Oh, I'm so excited about your party.

244. Thank you, Darlene, but just the Tarot reading will be fine.

245. And Darlene, would you please keep this to yourself?

246. We want to keep this thing small,

247. so please, if anybody else asks, just keep—

248. Hello.

249. Oh, Larry, what should I bring tonight?

250. Ice, chips, salt?

251. Phil, you know, uh, I've got this...

252. Ulcer?

253. Uh, party.

254. Oh.

255. Right off of Benedict Canyon.

256. Jeannie? Look, I have only one word for you:

257. Catering.

258. We have to keep it down tonight, honey.

259. I don't want Martin Mull to come over to see what's going on.

260. I hate the way he's always gotta know what's going on.

261. Do I look all right?

262. Sure, you look great.

263. Honey.

264. Is that dressy enough?

265. It's lace!

266. Good. No, it's perfect.

267. What are you doing? It is perfect. Nothing.

268. You're— You're putting everything we own into a box.

269. Just a couple of things, like "Aquarium Digest." Honey.

270. I don't think they need to know this kind of information.

271. Well, what about this picture?

272. You're in a toga.

273. Well, so what, it's adorable. Leave it out. All right, leave it out,

274. but you're gonna see they poke around here like some sort of museum,

275. and then they'll decide we're not as happy as Burt Reynolds and Loni.

276. Burt and Loni, Burt and Loni, that's all I'm gonna be hearing.

277. Now, why would they think that we were unhappy?

278. Because, they project, honey.

279. They're unhappy, and they project.

280. Sarah, could you bring Larry a drink, please. I don't want a drink.

281. Then they'll smell it on my breath and they'll think that I drink.

282. You do drink. You do.

283. I do not drink. You know,

284. I'm the one who should be nervous, I don't even know these people,

285. and I am perfectly relaxed.

286. Goody for you.

287. Hello.

288. Did you clean out the medicine chest?

289. No. All— All we had was—

290. God!

291. Oh. Thanks.

292. Oh, you're not my beautiful wife.

293. Oh, hey, hey. Hey.

294. Hey, hey, welcome. What, no dates?

295. Well, we were having Chinese.

296. We were watching "Ghost."

297. Right. And—

298. "Ghost"? "Ghost" is Larry's favorite movie.

299. Is that right? Yes.

300. Well, that is not true.

301. It is, you cry every time at the end

302. when he finishes with his mission on Earth

303. and he has to go back up to Heaven.

304. Is that true? I do not!

305. It's so sweet. It's sad. It's really sad.

306. No, really. Just thinking about it makes me—

307. Bars this way?

308. Yeah, help yourselves.

309. Honey! What?

310. Hey, boys. Hey.

311. You two look like you need a salty... Oh.

312. Oh. Oh. dog.

313. Thank you.

314. That bartender doesn't even know the proportions.

315. Just because "Cheers" was a hit, every asshole thinks he can mix a drink.

316. Excuse me a sec.

317. Is that a Martin Mull painting?

318. Yeah, it is.

319. Do you think he gave it to Larry or Larry had to pay for it?

320. Oh, no, Larry paid for it.

321. Cost him a few thousand dollars.

322. A few thousand dollars?

323. That's right. It's not that funny.

324. Hi, girls. Hey, Jeannie.

325. We were just wondering how—

326. Oh, you and Larry met. How you met.

327. Oh, that's a great story. Really?

328. I wrote— Listen, I wrote some party jokes for you.

329. What? I wrote some party jokes for you to use

330. later on tonight. You wrote some party jokes?

331. Yes. That's ridiculous.

332. Take it.

333. Honey!

334. The girls wanna hear the story of how we met.

335. Yeah.

336. Oh, you tell them, honey.

337. No! No, come on. Yeah. You tell them. You tell them.

338. You tell them the story, you're better than me. No, no, no, no.

339. Oh, come on. We met in Aspen.

340. No. That's it. We met in Aspen.

341. Oh! No, we were both beginning skiers.

342. We met on the T-bar and he asked me out the first night.

343. Aw! That's it.

344. No, come on. That is it.

345. Well, and then of course, that night, he wanted to have sex.

346. Oh! And I said no, so you know, we ended up dry-humping

347. on the couch all night. Oh, no.

348. Whoo!

349. All right, that is not— He's an animal.

350. I am an animal.

351. He is. I'm an animal.

352. I'm an animal, huh, Artie?

353. I'm an animal.

354. Definitely, definitely. It's a great story.

355. I got to pee real bad.

356. Hey, would you mind using the bathroom downstairs?

357. Hi.

358. Oh, Martin. Oh, Larry.

359. Hey. Hey, is the noise bothering you?

360. No. Listen, Good.

361. I just saw more than one car.

362. You know, so, you know, I got to thinking that's not right.

363. Just having a party.

364. So I was hoping Larry's okay. You're okay? I'm okay. Having a party.

365. Come on, seriously. If there's something wrong, man, you can—

366. No, I'm having a party. Just, you know...

367. some people over from the show.

368. You're having a party? Yeah.

369. Oh, so it's not like it's friends.

370. Oh, okay.

371. People from the show. Is that onion dip?

372. Yeah.

373. Didn't scrimp on anything, did you?

374. Well, listen, if— You can write this all off.

375. If that noise gets too bad— Come on in.

376. Oh, it's fine.

377. No, no, no. You see, when I was a kid,

378. Uh-huh.

379. I used to say, "Hey."

380. And then, uh, later, I said, "now."

381. But I never put it together until much later.

382. Are you talking about, "Hey, now"?

383. Uh, yes.

384. Because I have always wondered about that.

385. Which writer came up with, "Hey, now"?

386. Hank did.

387. It's brilliant. Really.

388. Have you ever thought about changing it?

389. No.

390. Just listen to this. Okay?

391. Instead of saying, "Hey, now,"

392. you'd say,

393. "Come Here!"

394. Try it. Just... give it a try.

395. Come here.

396. It's g— It's wonderful!

397. It's kind of good though.

398. It's wonderful. It is! No, it's good. I like it.

399. That is what you can use if the show goes off the air.

400. What do you mean when the show— What show goes off the air?

401. Larry's always talking about moving to Montana, leaving the business, you know.

402. The show's going off the air?

403. Building, or something out there.

404. She's kidding.

405. No!

406. I'm not going camping. Really.

407. Excuse us.

408. What? Is something wrong?

409. Yes, you are telling people all about our lives.

410. What are you talking about?

411. About dry-humping, about Aspen, about moving to Montana.

412. You were spying on me?

413. I was standing nearby.

414. I embarrass you?

415. You do not embarrass me, I just want you to be yourself.

416. I am being myself. You're not being yourself.

417. I will tell you when I'm being myself.

418. I will tell you when you are being yourself.

419. You know, I thought that these people were your friends.

420. Work friends. Oh. Oh.

421. Well, excuse me,

422. I'm from Chicago

423. and when we have parties, we invite actual friends and we have fun.

424. And we talk about whatever comes up.

425. You know, maybe you should give me a list of what I can and can't say.

426. You know what? Maybe I should give you— Shh.

427. They— Keep it down. They will think we're fighting.

428. We are fighting!

429. Yeah, well we are supposed to be out there hosting a party.

430. I do not want them to know that we are in here fighting.

431. So, would you— Are you coming?

432. Give me a minute.

433. And by the way, it was you who wanted it in Aspen.

434. Oh! You were the one who was going

435. "Oh, hi, nice to meet you." Oh, you—

436. What is this? I— You know that's not true.

437. Tch!

438. It's a toga.

439. Oh, must be a white thing, huh?

440. No, I don't get it either. It's a stupid thing.

441. Hey.

442. Hey, listen.

443. What the— Get out of here. Oh, what the—

444. What is that?

445. I don't know, but as soon as I finish this Salty Dog,

446. I'm gonna rip that camera from his hands and tear him a new a-hole.

447. All right. Having a good time, huh?

448. Yeah.

449. All right, all right. All right.

450. All right, listen—

451. Is Jeannie still changing? She's, uh—

452. She is still— She is still changing.

453. Listen, I don't understand women.

454. I agree. Here.

455. Have a Salty Dog.

456. No. Drink it, you pussy.

457. No. No, no, I-I— I had a lovely time.

458. It's just that, you know, Shawna's a little tired and—

459. That is, uh, something more than tired, Hank.

460. She's overtired.

461. Yeah. Yeah.

462. You don't need to ask my permission to leave.

463. Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

464. The thing is, uh...

465. you see, our coats...?

466. Yeah.

467. They're in the bedroom and, um, well the...

468. the bedroom door is locked and Jeannie is in there.

469. Yeah, she's changing. She's in there changing.

470. Oh! Oh! Yeah.

471. I see. Yeah, she's changing in there.

472. All she's doing is changing.

473. Okay.

474. I'll get your coats.

475. Thank you. Thank you.

476. You're a pal.

477. Jeannie, come on.

478. Come on, hon, could we talk about this, please?

479. Could we— Could we talk about this, please?

480. Come on. This is— Don't do this.

481. Don't do this.

482. Open the door.

483. It's Larry.

484. It's Larry.

485. It's Larry.

486. Did you say something to her?

487. I knocked on the door.

488. Well, was she— She wasn't even in there.

489. But she's crying.

490. Shh, shh!

491. She is, um, uh, has fallen asleep.

492. Oh, do you want me to say something to her? And— Uh, no.

493. No, no, she's asleep.

494. Listen, I'm gonna go. I don't even need my coat.

495. We're fine.

496. I didn't even like that coat.

497. Okay, no, I'll get that stuff.

498. Except... car keys.

499. Oh. I can give you—

500. Yeah.

501. I can give you a ride.

502. Yeah. That's great.

503. I never put my keys in the bedroom, you know,

504. in case someone gets in a sleepy mood.

505. That sounds like fun, I didn't even want my keys anyways.

506. Later, Larry. Yeah, it's better this way.

507. No, you know, it's not better this way.

508. This is bullshit. I want my coat.

509. I mean, she's your wife, could you go in there

510. and tell her to open the goddamn door?

511. Jeannie, sweetheart?

512. It— Jeannie!

513. The last thing this house needs is tough love!

514. Jeannie!

515. Open this door!

516. Jeannie!

517. Hey!

518. Five marriages.

519. And now, I'm going downstairs.

520. Thanks. Gonna take care of that

521. sack of human shit with a camera.

522. Nice job. Now everybody knows our dirty laundry.

523. This is about you and me and all you care about is what they think.

524. That is not true.

525. Then why are you whispering? I am not whispering.

526. You know, this is so sad that you think that you have to hide our life.

527. Would you please— That is what everybody does, by the way.

528. Oh, I don't want to talk to you. Would you please come out

529. and just— No.

530. 'Cause everybody is leaving, could you just come out?

531. No. Could you just come out

532. for the return of the coats? No.

533. Go, "Here's yours, here's yours."

534. N-O. And then it's—

535. Just come out with one of those little Lady Di smiles.

536. I will not.

537. That's all I'm asking from you. No.

538. Okay. One more fake moment,

539. and then we're out of this thing.

540. That's all— please?

541. I'll be— I'll wait right here.

542. Please?

543. Ugh!

544. Hey—

545. No! What?

546. All right.

547. So we're fighting, okay?

548. That's it.

549. What, you— You don't— You think we're the only ones who fight?

550. Everybody fights.

551. Everybody has fights.

552. I'll bet Letterman fights with that woman who claims to be his wife.

553. I don't care what you think.

554. I love my wife and I don't care.

555. I love my wife and I don't care what you think!

556. Morning, Larry. Morning.

557. Morning. Morning.

558. Morning.

559. Morning. Hi, Larry.

560. Good morning. Great party.

561. Morning.

562. It was great.