The Larry Sanders Show 1x1

1. You folks see that flashing sign up there?

2. Now, that sign says,

3. "Applesauce."

4. (audience laughing) No, no, no.

5. I'm kidding. It says, "Applause."

6. Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

7. All right.

8. Now, remember, you're all a big part of the show,

9. so the better you are, the better Larry is.

10. Okay, now you see this gentleman?

11. Yeah, he's giving me this sign, and it says,

12. "We're on in 10 seconds, so get ready to have a good time."

13. All right, here we go.

14. This is exciting, isn't it?

15. In five, four,

16. three, two...

17. Live, on tape from Hollywood,

18. "The Larry Sanders Show."

19. Tonight, join Larry and his guests Harrison Ford,

20. Shirley Jones, Jody Watley,

21. and me— hey now! —Hank Kingsley.

22. And now, because only he brings out the natural luster of the wood,

23. Larry Sanders!

24. Thank you. Thank you.

25. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

26. Thank you.

27. Thank you.

28. Welcome, uh...

29. Okay.

30. Thank you very much.

31. Uh, welcome. Thanks for coming to the show tonight.

32. You are already so much better than last night's audience...

33. (laughter) whom came in here and looted the place.

34. And I want to thank them for returning the couch

35. and Hank.

36. Anyway, so how many of you saw Bill Clinton

37. on "Arsenio Hall" when he played the sax?

38. (cheers, applause) Yeah.

39. Oh, good to know you're watching my competition, uh...

40. actually, I'm a little frustrated,

41. 'cause we had Jerry Brown here on this show.

42. He didn't, uh, actually play a number with the band,

43. but he did score them some great coke.

44. Sonny Bono did not get elected to a Senate seat here in California.

45. That's when you know you live in California,

46. when you look on the ballot

47. and Sonny Bono is running for a Senate seat.

48. I was really leaning towards voting

49. for the Captain of "Captain and Tennille,"

50. 'cause evidently he at least has some military experience.

51. Ted Kennedy got married this last weekend,

52. and, boy, he's gonna be in for a surprise when he sobers up, huh?

53. The only reason that—

54. did you like that joke, Hank?

55. I liked it very much.

56. Well, you're mistaken.

57. The only reason I'm not running for president this year—

58. I swear to God— is I am afraid no woman

59. would come forward to say she had sex with me.

60. I swear. I feel would be doing one of those CNN interviews,

61. looking into the camera, going, "Come on, Suzie.

62. "You know you did it with me.

63. Say something!"

64. We have a wonderful show— Harrison Ford,

65. Shirley Jones, Jody Watley.

66. Don't flip around. We'll be right back.

67. That was a very funny show. I thought so too.

68. I didn't know Harrison Ford did impressions.

69. His Carol Channing was terrific.

70. It was.

71. You know, "Patriot Games" should've been a musical.

72. Ha! He could've played all the parts.

73. Oh, Paula. Mm-hmm?

74. I thought Shirley Jones was gonna tell the story

75. about Marty Ingels and Kmart. I know.

76. So did I. Perhaps she was nervous and forgot. I can't say.

77. Doesn't matter. The woman's a babe.

78. Oh, for god's sakes. (chuckles)

79. Remember in "Partridge Family," you could see her thigh

80. between that short skirt and the boots?

81. I still see it. I hope no one heard that.

82. Good show tonight. Oh, like you saw it.

83. I did. I watched it in your office.

84. Really? Okay, what was your favorite part?

85. The monologue. Uh-huh. There's a monologue in every show.

86. I really watched it tonight.

87. They're in the conference room,

88. and they're ready whenever you are.

89. Thank you, Beverly.

90. (whispers) I'm not going. Network meeting.

91. No. Come on.

92. No. No, come on, come on.

93. No. No. (chuckles) It's the network.

94. It doesn't matter how many times you say it, I'm still gonna say, "No."

95. Who's gonna be there? Some of our pals.

96. The president of the network, sensational Shel,

97. new Vice-President of Programming,

98. Melanie Parrish. Oh. Fuck me.

99. I can't go. I'm not— I'm not just saying this, Artie.

100. I got a— I got a pain. Fine. You just go home.

101. I'll come over there later, stick a red-hot poker up your ass.

102. We'll call it even. Okay. You have my address, right?

103. And your poker size.

104. Sheldon, how are you? Fine, Arthur. Hello, Larry.

105. Hey, Shel.

106. You know, a network president

107. shouldn't be allowed to say, "Hello, Larry."

108. (laughter) Oh, you crazy bastard,

109. you ever get that gazebo repainted?

110. God, you'll never let me forget that.

111. We had this little barbecue at Shel's,

112. just us and the wives, and this jackass, he goes wild with the lighter fluid and—

113. Sheldon, can we get this started?

114. Right. Arthur, Larry,

115. now, you know Melanie Parrish. Oh, sure. Hi.

116. Mr. Sanders. Well, she's out here now.

117. She's in charge of late night programming.

118. Gentlemen, I'll be brief.

119. We all know what the economic climate

120. of network television is like out there right now.

121. We're getting kicked in the balls.

122. There's video markets, there's cable.

123. It's trench warfare.

124. So, our number one problem, mathwise—

125. lost viewers equals lost advertisers

126. equals lost revenues.

127. What do we do to keep our advertisers happy,

128. other than giving them free handjobs?

129. Larry, we've talked to some of your sponsors,

130. we've asked what we can do for them,

131. it's come back to us this way—

132. they want you to do live commercials as part of the show.

133. They want it. That means we want it.

134. You can see how this would help us.

135. Well... (clears throat) you know,

136. knowing the sponsors the way I do,

137. I just think they would respond more to the handjobs.

138. But you're asking me actually to do live commercials.

139. You have a problem with that?

140. No, I— I just...

141. my only concern would be the style of the show

142. that we've established over the years, and it—

143. mmm, I'm not sure that live commercials

144. actually would mesh with that style.

145. You don't want to do it. No, I didn't say that.

146. Uh... Artie?

147. Melanie, I'd like to jump in if I might.

148. Oh, that's a lovely thing that you have at your neck, by the way.

149. I think that what Larry's trying to say is that...

150. we have no real problem

151. with the live commercial concept...

152. Good. Yeah.

153. Absolutely not.

154. it's just a matter of finding the right man for this job.

155. Now, I don't know if you know,

156. but Hank Kingsley does a hell of a lot of fine commercial work.

157. He does the adjustable bed. He does the medical alert necklace.

158. Arthur, excuse me. Melanie, if I may?

159. Mm-hmm. The thing is,

160. Hank does too much commercial work.

161. He's way overexposed.

162. His saturation level is very high.

163. Gee, I don't think that's true.

164. He's doing the Green Giant spots.

165. Is that Hank?

166. You can't really tell because you only see him

167. from the knees down. (laughs)

168. He's the new Green Giant. I didn't know that.

169. Hank— Hank's the fucking Green Giant? Damn.

170. Now, of course we love Hank, but he—

171. he's a little overexposed.

172. Certainly hasn't got the cachet of a Larry Sanders.

173. Well, look, you guys know I'll do anything that I can—

174. Mr. Sanders, look, I'm gonna have to be blunt here,

175. Is that right? In a fiscal sense, your show just isn't cutting it.

176. Now, I think you should take a serious interest in that fact

177. and do whatever you can to reverse it, because...

178. well, I'm warning you—

179. our parent company cannot and will not carry your show in deficit,

180. and that comes directly from Unidac Electronics.

181. Oh, gee, I didn't know we were still owned

182. by the garage-door- opener people.

183. That's just one of many products they're known for,

184. and yes, Mr. Sanders, they do still own you.

185. Well, they're a couple of payments short,

186. but that's another discussion.

187. What would the commercial be for?

188. The Garden Weasel. Oh, that is no way to talk about Ms. Parrish.

189. Look, I just don't feel right about this.

190. I mean, there are no other talk-show hosts who do their own commercials.

191. Exactly.

192. Honey, it's no big deal. It's just a commercial.

193. You're funny. You'll make it funny.

194. It's a garden widget. It's— it—

195. The name alone is funny.

196. Garden Weasel, honey. It's the Garden Weasel. Even funnier.

197. The Garden Weasel. Weasel's funnier.

198. Oh yeah, I'm sure that bitch Melanie is laughing her ass off.

199. Larry, she's not that bad. She isn't that bad?

200. Artie said, when we got out of the meeting,

201. "Hey, I swear I killed that woman in Korea."

202. (barking) Fucking dog's at it again.

203. Yeah, he's always at it.

204. Would you act like a dog, for god's sakes?

205. Honey, he thinks he's doing good. I can show you this.

206. This is something I've never shown you before.

207. Honey, It's not your "Make Me Laugh" audition tape, is it?

208. No, but if you want to see that again, just let— (emphatically) No.

209. You sure? No, no.

210. Okay.

211. Don't look directly at the set, honey.

212. This is a commercial I did in 1979.

213. Hey now. Okay.

214. From the Pan Am files.

215. I was halfway to Fort Worth,

216. when all of a sudden, it hit me.

217. I'd left my briefcase back at the terminal at JFK.

218. Well, I thought I was sunk,

219. but then I told the stewardess,

220. she told the captain, and—

221. well, let me put it this way.

222. My briefcase got to Fort Worth before I did.

223. Can I get you anything else?

224. No thanks. You've already done more than enough.

225. (announcer speaks) (laughs) Oh honey, look,

226. if— if you don't want to do the weasel thing, just—

227. I'm not in the mood for sex talk, honey.

228. If you don't want to do the commercial, just tell them.

229. It's not like they can force you.

230. I'm not in a position to say no.

231. They'll think I'm an asshole. They'll think that I'm not a team player.

232. Before you know it, I won't be able to get repairs made in the studio

233. and won't be able to get the guests I want.

234. Hank and I will be sharing an office, honey.

235. Yeah? I'm a day away from just being

236. the funny weatherman in Tucson.

237. Oh, but on this good side, it's dry heat.

238. Paula says Robert Hays is booked on the show tonight,

239. but he fell in the shower,

240. and he's still seeing like shapes and colors and stuff.

241. Perfect. I won't ask him anything tough.

242. Okay, um, Melanie Parrish, she's called four times.

243. She'd like to know if you're gonna be doing that Garden Weasel spot.

244. I know, I know. Tell Melanie that I will...

245. do the spots with great delight.

246. Okay. I will tell Melanie you will do the Garden Weasel spot...

247. With great delight.

248. With great delight. Good.

249. Excuse me, Larry. Hank would like to speak with you.

250. And you're clearing the way? Mmm.

251. Because Hank won't come in here on his own?

252. Did you by any chance feel an earthquake

253. about 20 minutes ago? I did not feel an earthquake 20 minutes ago.

254. Okay, but I think today is the day.

255. You say that every day. Tell Hank to come in.

256. Larry? Darlene said you wanted to see me?

257. What's on your mind, Hank? For god's sakes.

258. Um, permission to speak freely?

259. Permission granted. (chuckles)

260. I— I just heard through the grapevine

261. that we're thinking of doing a live commercial on the show tonight...

262. Yes. and I was wondering—

263. I was concerned why I was not consulted.

264. I understand how you feel, Hank.

265. The thing— the thing is it's a commercial... Yeah. Uh-huh.

266. for the Garden Weasel. That's right.

267. Now, I— I know the Garden Weasel.

268. I-I-I use the Garden Weasel. Uh-huh.

269. And I have a good relationship with the Garden Weasel people.

270. They're good people.

271. Yeah, well, Hank, I want you to know

272. that I told them I wanted you to do the spots.

273. And they— and they said? I don't remember what they said.

274. That one Green Giant spot has really been a monkey on my back.

275. I'll tell you one thing. If they—

276. if they ever ask you to put on a pair of green tights...

277. no matter how much they offer you, you just...

278. walk away.

279. Walk away.

280. I'll remember that, Hank.

281. Are you sure you're feeling up to this, Mr. Hays?

282. No, I'm fine. We can always reschedule you...

283. No, I'm fine. and get somebody else to do it.

284. Oh my god. Are you okay?

285. Is everything— do you want me to call a doctor or something like that?

286. Mommy? Mommy, why can't I ride the dog?

287. Oh.

288. I had you going, didn't I?

289. Yeah, you— I had you going.

290. That's really funny, Robert. Well, I was in "Airplane II."

291. Yeah.

292. Okay? Yeah.

293. What is it? Look who's here.

294. Don't look. (Hank speaking)

295. I think she saw you look.

296. I swear I killed her in the war.

297. (chuckles) You used that line yesterday.

298. It's not a line, Larry. It's a real concern.

299. Can we just walk? I don't want her to see me.

300. You know, I don't feel right about doing this commercial.

301. You don't want to do the commercial, just say the word.

302. I'll take care of it. No, no, I'll take a shot at it.

303. Just that... Live on tape from Hollywood, "The Larry Sanders Show."

304. Never used one. It's a little unethical, don't you think?

305. Unethical? Jeez, Larry, don't start pulling at that thread.

306. Our whole world will unravel.

307. Thanks for the upbeat talk before the monologue, Artie.

308. What do you got here?

309. Larry Sanders!

310. Now, how are you feeling?

311. 'Cause didn't you, by the way, fall?

312. Someone said— I know you were almost going to cancel tonight.

313. You fell in the shower, is that it? This morning, yeah.

314. Well, this is how I see it, is that...

315. I think as I was stepping out— Yeah?

316. I was standing there. I was dripping wet,

317. stark naked— Right.

318. Whoo! (audience cheers)

319. (chuckles) If you men could please just settle down.

320. Jeez. Or I'll end up— I'll send Hank up there dripping wet.

321. Whoo! Whoo!

322. Yeah, you know not what you applaud for.

323. Okay, so now you're standing naked, dripping wet, in the bathroom.

324. And I... (clears throat)

325. I— I drop the towel, I bend over to pick it up

326. and I saw the reflection in the mirror. It just kind of shocked me.

327. I stood up and slipped and...

328. I didn't know what that was. I was...

329. Well, maybe you caught— maybe you caught the reflection

330. in that magnifying makeup mirror.

331. Well, didn't you get— didn't you get

332. those little flower appliqué things that I sent you?

333. I sent you a whole pack that you're supposed to stick on.

334. I stick 'em onto the bottom of my feet so you don't slide anywhere.

335. You go into a public shower— what?

336. Commercial? We have to take—

337. we have to take a commercial.

338. Mmm. Do we?

339. So, what else? Anything else—

340. anything else we need to know? (piano music playing)

341. Oh, gee. By the sound of that piano

342. I guess we really do have to take a commercial break.

343. So, Bob, thanks for being here. We'll talk some more.

344. We'll talk some more. Stay— stand by.

345. I just— I have to take a quick break here

346. I want to...

347. welcome a new sponsor to "The Larry Sanders Show,"

348. and if you'll come this way.

349. I'd like to, uh...

350. welcome you to the world of the Garden Weasel.

351. You know, if you've got a green thumb—

352. and by the way, if you do, I know a specialist...

353. you'll really marvel at how simple a tool this is,

354. and it can really save you hours of backbreaking work.

355. Let's see.

356. I'm about 100 yards off the green here. I'll...

357. I'll try a five-weasel.

358. No more weeding on your hands and knees.

359. You just gently glide your weasel...

360. And by the way, it's been years since I've said that.

361. You just glide the weasel in-between your, let's say, plants.

362. Look, Ma, I'm making valuable mulch.

363. Oh.

364. Hello, Mr. Hoffa.

365. I hit Jimmy Hoffa.

366. And... the blades are removable

367. for easy cleaning.

368. A few glitches but, overall, a terrific show.

369. Very funny. I thought so, too.

370. Oh, Ms. Parrish. We need to talk.

371. Sure. You know, I... thought the commercial went great.

372. I mean, I managed to say "mulch" and—

373. What you did out there just now was in no way, shape, or form

374. remotely like an acceptable commercial spot.

375. What we're trying to do here, Mr. Sanders—

376. Larry— is please the sponsors,

377. not antagonize them.

378. I feel quite certain our client didn't expect

379. to hear the name of a dead teamster used as a selling point.

380. (chuckles) Well...

381. I must tell you—

382. Artie? Ms. Parrish, let me clarify something for you.

383. Now, rumor has it this is a very funny guy.

384. (chuckles) When you ask Larry Sanders to do a commercial,

385. you get Larry Sanders.

386. I mean, the commercial was funny. I think it worked.

387. Your sponsor should be delighted.

388. Well, I really don't have any time for any of this, anyway.

389. Just say the copy as written, Larry.

390. I'll see you tomorrow night.

391. You know the truly frightening thing?

392. What? I'm really turned on right now.

393. I mean, do you think you can deprogram him?

394. It's not really deprogramming, Mr. Sanders.

395. It's behavior modification through positive reinforcement

396. and treats. Well, I understand that.

397. I used to be single. But, uh, please.

398. Well, what behavior do you want me to correct?

399. All of this.

400. You know, by the way, I bought a Garden Weasel this morning,

401. and I love it. Oh.

402. Did you see the commercial? Yeah, it was very funny.

403. Wasn't that funny? Yeah.

404. Oh. You see, honey? That's two of us.

405. You tell that Korean woman that she's wrong.

406. Honey, she is not Korean. She is not Korean.

407. Everybody thinks she's Korean. Well, all I'm saying is that the commercial worked.

408. Do you use a Garden Weasel?

409. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

410. My god, a somersault. Where did you get this dog?

411. Well, we had a trainer on my show.

412. He had a wonderful dog act, then I fell in love with the dog,

413. and Bill was getting ready to retire—

414. Bill Acres?

415. Yeah, I think that was it. Bill Acres, yeah.

416. Right. Oh no. I'm sorry,

417. but no. This is a superbly trained animal, Mr. Sanders.

418. I can't touch him. That would be like painting over a Picasso.

419. (barks) I'm sorry. I have to leave.

420. Chopper.

421. Door. (barks)

422. Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Sanders.

423. And the patented tilling action

424. digs deep into the soil

425. and aerates all the way down to the roots.

426. You know, here's something I don't understand.

427. Weasels— aren't they rodents?

428. Why would you name something after a rodent?

429. I mean, think about it. It's not a nice thing.

430. Why not just call it the Amazing Rat Stick?

431. "The Amazing Rat Stick"? Too far?

432. I don't know. What? Should I have said

433. "the Fabulous Vermin Instrument"? No.

434. I'm doing the best I can. Other than that, I stuck to the copy.

435. You did. Do you want me to fuck with your budget?

436. Is that what you want me to do?

437. Where's Arthur? I don't know.

438. I am talking to you.

439. Mr. Sanders! Artie?

440. (sighs deeply) Not here, Ms. Parrish.

441. Please?

442. Boy. You know, don't ever come onto my set

443. and talk to me like that in front of my people again.

444. I pay your people, my friend, and I pay you,

445. and I can talk to you any damn way I see fit.

446. What is your problem exactly? I don't think this is about the commercial.

447. I don't think you like me. I don't think you like my show.

448. It's not my favorite, but let's talk about problems.

449. What's your problem? I think it bugs you

450. that you have to take orders from a woman.

451. I think that's it. Is that it?

452. If you were a guy, I'd take you outside right now.

453. If you were a guy, I'd go. As a rule, I don't hit women,

454. but this rule doesn't apply.

455. Oh, yeah, yeah, you don't have any problems with women, do you?

456. How many times have you been married?

457. How many times have you slept with Sheldon?

458. Easy. Easy.

459. Oh, that's a beauty. Yeah, I know.

460. I was tying my shoes this morning, and I walked into the door,

461. bumped my head. Whatever.

462. No, that's what really happened.

463. All right, a woman hit me. Melanie.

464. How'd you know that? Well, everyone in the loop knows.

465. You're kidding. Hey, guys.

466. Whoa! What a shiner. Hey, listen. Yeah.

467. What happened to you? Melanie Parrish hit me.

468. (chuckles) No, really. Softball?

469. Doorknob. Doorknob.

470. Whoa.

471. Can I ask you something about these commercials?

472. I am— I don't know what he heck I'm doing out there, Hank.

473. I need a little advice. You've done like 20,000 of these things.

474. Tell me something.

475. Well, you know, Larry, everybody thinks it's easy.

476. It isn't. It's an art.

477. Yeah. Okay, well, look.

478. Now, if you don't believe in your product, okay? Right.

479. You've got to substitute something you do believe in.

480. Okay. For instance, when I'm out there and I'm pitching...

481. the pearl cream that keeps you looking young. Right, right, right.

482. I've seen that. What? Do you know what I'm thinking?

483. You're not thinking about the pearl cream? No, sir, I am not.

484. What are you thinking about?

485. America.

486. Everything she stands for.

487. You know, the joy of growing your own fruits, vegetables, and flowers

488. can turn into heartache. And backache.

489. (laughter) All because...

490. of weeding.

491. There's a way to weed that's...

492. Hank? Yes, sir.

493. Come on over here a minute. You know...

494. if you're gonna talk Garden Weasel,

495. you gotta go right to the main weasel.

496. Hank.

497. You use one of these on your—

498. in your garden at home, don't you?

499. Oh, yes. Yes, indeed, I do.

500. Why don't you tell us about it?

501. (laughs) Go on.

502. Really? Yeah, go on.

503. All right, well...

504. friends— friends, you say you love those fresh flowers

505. and veggies, but you're tired of the aches and the pains

506. that come with weeding. Well, I'm here to tell you,

507. your weeding days are over.

508. Can I hear you say, "Hey now"?

509. Hey now!

510. Pretty good, but can I hear you say, "Hey now"?

511. Hey now! Now, you see, friends,

512. I have here in my hands— well, it's a miracle

513. of gardening engineering.

514. Ladies and gentlemen,

515. say hello to the Garden Weasel.

516. Hello, Garden Weasel. (laughter)

517. Now, this Garden Weasel—

518. this Garden Weasel does the work of 10 men and a boy.

519. How many boys, Hank?

520. One small boy.

521. Now, it digs, it digs, it digs deep down

522. and turns them nasty weeds into valuable mulch.

523. Your knees will thank you,

524. your flowers will thank you,

525. and your veggies will thank you.

526. So, for the Garden Weasel...

527. this is Farmer Kingsly and...

528. Farmer Sanders...

529. Saying...

530. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

531. There you go, Shel, television at its finest, huh?

532. It works, Larry. Yeah, well, I'll tell you,

533. Hank's a master at these things. He is. He is.

534. This is the way I think these commercials should be done.

535. Exactly. This is why the Garden Weasel people want you to do more—

536. you and Hank together. The two of you, as a team, you are fabulous.

537. Look, you know, Shel, there's something I want to say

538. about doing the commercials with Hank.

539. What Larry's gonna say is— No, Artie, Artie, Artie.

540. What I'm going to say is no.

541. I can't do these commercials. This has gone on long enough.

542. I'm not comfortable doing these commercials,

543. and by the way, unless we're all fucking blind,

544. I stink at doing them.

545. And if Unidac Electronics has a little problem with this,

546. really, they can screw a light bulb up my ass

547. and use me as a desk lamp.

548. Any thoughts? No, but I'd like—

549. I'm not sure anyone wants to hear what you've got to say, young lady.

550. Now, don't take this as a threat,

551. but I killed a man like you in Korea,

552. hand to hand.

553. My boy doesn't want to do any more commercials.

554. From now on, you'll talk to me.

555. Understood? No offense, Shel.

556. I'll be in the car, Sheldon.

557. It's no problem, Larry. You sure, Sheldon?

558. Sure, sure. I mean, don't worry about anything.

559. Sheldon, I mean, if you really wanna try this once or twice,

560. no problem. Really?

561. Artie.