The Jeselnik Offensive 1x8

Directed by

Natasha Leggero as Self • Jason Mantzoukas as Self

A California chef slow-roasts his wife, two teens try to poison their teacher, and Jason and Natasha defend their tweets.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. THANK YOU AND

2. WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK

3. OFFENSIVE."

4. I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.

5. HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

6. FANTASTIC.

7. WE HAVE GOT — I CAN'T BELIEVE

8. THIS, ANOTHER PERFECT SHOW FOR

9. YOU TONIGHT.

10. NATASHA LEGGERO AND JASON

11. MANTZOUKAS IS HERE AND BUT FIRST

12. THE BAD NEWS IS MY SHEPHERD, I

13. SHALL NOT WANT.

14. OH, SNAP.

15. LOUISVILLE BASKETBALL PLAYER

16. KEVIN WARE SNAPS HIS SHIN BONE

17. DURING A GAME LAST WEEK.

18. WHICH MEANS HE ACTUALLY MIGHT

19. GET HIS COMMUNICATIONS DEGREE.

20. YOU MIGHT BE A

21. REDNECK.

22. SHAYNE GANDGANDEE DIED AFTER LEAVING

23. A BAR AT 3:00 A.M. TO GO

24. FOUR-WHEELING IN THE WOODS WITH

25. HIS UNCLE OR WHAT'S KNOWN IN

26. WEST VIRGINIA AS NATURAL CAUSES.

27. WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE.

28. AT AN AIRPORT AN ACTRESS WAS

29. MISTAKEN FOR LINDSAY LAN BUT

30. SHE'S NICE AND EXPLAINED TO THE

31. PERSON, NO, HONEY, YOU ARE

32. LINDSEY LOHAN.

33. THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP, TWO

34. 13-YEAR-OLD STUDENTS IN VIRGINIA

35. ARE FACING FELONY CHARGES AFTER

36. THEY TRIED TO SLOWLY POISON

37. THEIR MATH TEACHER BY PUTTING

38. HAND SANITIZER IN HER COFFEE.

39. LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU, YOU

40. CAN POISON PEOPLE BY ADDING HAND

41. SANITIZER TO THEIR COFFEE.

42. AFTER AN 11-YEAR-OLD BOY HAD HIS

43. FINGER BITTEN OFF BY THE FAMILY

44. DOG THE BOY'S FATHER SHOT THE

45. DOG AND CUT IT OPEN TO RETRIEVE

46. THE FINGER BUT SINCE THEN HE'S

47. BEEN TRYING TO SIT OUTSIDE THE

48. BOY'S ROOM THINK OF GOOD NEWS.

49. AND HEY, I'M WADDLING HERE.

50. OVERWEIGHT PEDESTRIANS SUFFER

51. LESS SEVERE INJURIES WHEN HIT BY

52. A CARS.

53. GREAT NEWS FOR THE ONE

54. OVERWEIGHT GUY WHO WALKS

55. EVERYWHERE.

56. THAT WAS A GREAT MONOLOGUE.

57. HI-YAH!

58. EVERYONE LOVES THE

59. AUDIENCE GAMES WE PLAY ON THE

60. "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE" LIKE

61. SPELLING BEE AND WHICH KIND OF

62. ASIAN IS THIS.

63. ONE QUESTION WE KEEP GETTING

64. THOUGH IS CAN YOU GUYS BE

65. POSSIBLY MORE RACIST?

66. FOR ONCE YOUR SARCASTIC PRAYERS

67. HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

68. WE HAVE THE MOST RACIST FRIENDS

69. AT ALL FROM OUR FRIENDS AT

70. GOOGLE CALLED SEARCH AND

71. DESTROY.

72. I'LL GIVE YOU THE BEGINNING OF A

73. SEARCH TERM AND YOU GIVE ME THE

74. AUTOCOMPLETE RACIST RESULT.

75. IT'S NOT HARD, YOU'RE JUST DUMB.

76. LET'S SEE WHAT OUR CONSTANTS

77. WILL BE PLAYING FOR TONIGHT.

78. WHAT AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY.

79. LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT

80. COME ON UP HERE.

81. HOW'S IT GOING.

82. THANKS FOR PLAYING.

83. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

84. JOSH.

85. WHAT DO YOU DO?

86. EXECUTIVE FOR A RETAIL

87. COMPANY.

88. SEEM MORE RETAIL TO

89. ME.

90. LIKE APPAREL.

91. YOU MEAN CLOTHES.

92. ARE YOU WEARING YOUR APPAREL

93. NOW?

94. NO.

95. YOU SOUND

96. PASSIONATE.

97. ALL RIGHT, JOSH.

98. WHEN USERS GOOGLE BLACK PEOPLE

99. SMELL LIKE, THE TOP THREE MOST

100. COMMON CERTAINS ARE SOUR MILK,

101. POOP AND COCO BUTTER.

102. BUT JOSH, WHAT'S THE FOURTH MOST

103. COMMON SEARCH RESULT.

104. WHAT DO BLACK PEOPLE SMELL LIKE?

105. COTTON.

106. COTTON?

107. WOW.

108. WOW.

109. YOU JUST TOOK RACISM TO THE

110. THIRD DIMENSION.

111. I'M SORRY, THE ANSWER WE'RE

112. LOOKING FOR IS CRAYONS.

113. BLACK PEOPLE SMELL LIKE CRAYONS

114. AND KEEP IN MIND I DIDN'T COME

115. UP WITH THESE ANSWERS, I JUST

116. AGREE WITH THEM.

117. THANKS FOR PLAYING, JOSH.

118. LET'S HAVE THE NEXT CONTESTANT

119. COME ON UP HERE.

120. ALL RIGHT.

121. FINALLY.

122. NOW WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

123. LANNESE JAY.

124. OKAY.

125. I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

126. WHAT DO YOU DO?

127. I'M A DANCER.

128. DANCER?

129. NON-EXOTIC.

130. SO WERE PARENTS

131. COULD BE PROUD OF YOU.

132. YOU COULD BE.

133. I COULD BE?

134. HELL YEAH.

135. I HOPE MY MAMA'S NOT WATCHING

136. THIS.

137. YOU'RE MAMA'S NOT

138. WATCHING.

139. ALL RIGHT LANNESE.

140. WHEN PEOPLE GOOGLE WHITE PEOPLE

141. SMELL LIKE, THE TOP THREE MOST

142. COMMON SEARCHS ARE HAM, DOG, WET

143. POTATO CHIPS.

144. WHAT IS THE FOURTH MOST COMMON

145. THING WHITE PEOPLE SMELL LIKE?

146. MONEY.

147. MONEY!

148. THAT'S A GOOD GUESS.

149. I'M SORRY, WE WERE LOOKING FOR

150. WHITE PEOPLE SMELL LIKE WET

151. CHICKEN.

152. YEAH.

153. LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

154. YOU MUST BE HUNGRY BUT THANKS

155. FOR PLAYING.

156. LET'S HAVE THE NEXT CONTESTANT

157. COME ON UP.

158. WHAT'S UP.

159. COME ON UP HERE, FIGHTER.

160. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

161. DAVID.

162. WHAT DO YOU DO?

163. GO TO SCHOOL FULL-TIME TO BE

164. A HOMICIDE DETECTIVE.

165. IS THAT WHY YOU'RE

166. HERE BECAUSE I'M KILLING

167. IT?

168. OKAY.

169. NOW, DAVID, YOU MUST SPEND ALL

170. YOUR TIME IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER

171. SO IF YOU WERE TO GOOGLE MEXICAN

172. PEOPLE SMELL, THE TOP TWO

173. ANSWERS ARE LIKE FABRIC SOFTENER

174. OR THE SAME.

175. WHAT'S THE THIRD WAY THAT

176. MEXICAN PEOPLE SMELL?

177. MY LAWN.

178. MY LAWN!

179. OH, MY GOD!

180. I CARUMBA.

181. THE ANSWER WAS BAD.

182. MEXICAN PEOPLE SMELL BAD.

183. I BET THAT'S THE FIRST QUESTION

184. YOU EVER GOTTEN WRONG.

185. THANKS FOR THE RACIST

186. CONTESTANTS AND BIGOTS AT HOME,

187. HAPPY GOOGLING.

188. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

189. WELCOME BACK TO THE

190. "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE."

191. KIDS, IT'S A RANDOM TUESDAY AND

192. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, IT'S

193. TIME TO GRAB YOUR BAG AND YOUR

194. BALLS.

195. IT'S THIS WEEK IN LADY'S GOLF.

196. IT'S BEEN AN EXCITING WEEK ON

197. LADY'S LINKS BUT WHEN HAS IT

198. NOT.

199. THE GIRL ON GIRL ACTION AND THE

200. SINKS A MIRACLE 18-FOOTER IN THE

201. PLAYOFF TO TAKE HOME A COOL

202. QUARTER MILL

203. I LIKE BIG PUTTS.

204. PLAYING THROUGH TO TALLAHASSEE,

205. FLORIDA WHERE A FOURSOME HEARD

206. GUNSHOTS AND WENT TO SEE WHAT

207. HAPPENED AND FOUND TWO DEAD

208. WOMEN.

209. SOMEONE MADE A HOLE IN ONE AND A

210. HOLE IN THE OTHER ONE.

211. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S A TWO-WAY TIE

212. FOR OUR SHOT OF DAY SPONSORED BY

213. MEISTER BRAU PREMIUM BEER.

214. FOUR IS HOW MANY I'LL BE HAVING.

215. I'M DRIVING.

216. AND FINALLY, LET'S TURN BACK THE

217. CLOCK AND TEE UP A T.W.I.L.G.

218. MOVEMENT.

219. A WOMAN'S HEAD WAS FOUND WAY

220. BACK IN 1989 HAS BEEN I.D.'D AS

221. A PROSTITUTE BY JOEL RIPKEN.

222. THAT'S ONE WICKED SLICE.

223. RE PLATE

224. REPLACE YOUR DIVETS.

225. THAT'S THIS TUESDAY IN WOMEN'S

226. GOLF.

227. AND STOP THE PANEL JUNCTION AND

228. EAST ST. PANEL.

229. IT'S TIME FOR PANEL.

230. PLEASE WELCOME FROM HER NUMEROUS

231. APPEARANCES ON THE TONIGHT SHOW,

232. IT'S NATASHA LEGGERO.

233. AND YOU KNOW HIM FROM FX, THE

234. LEAGUE AND HBO'S ENLIGHTENED,

235. JASON MANTZOUKAS.

236. HOORAY.

237. NATASHA, IS IT TRUE

238. I CARRY AROUND A RAPE WHISTLE AT

239. ALL TIMES IN CAUSE YOU GET BORED

240. OF CONVERSATION?

241. YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

242. I HEAR YOUR ALLERGIC TO EGGS.

243. VIOLENTLY SO.

244. AND YOU FILL MY DRESSING ROOM

245. WITH COOKIES AND STUFF TO

246. STRAIGHT UP KILL ME.

247. HOW DARE YOU.

248. LET'S GET RIGHT

249. INTO IT WITH THE BEST-WORSE

250. THING OF THE WEEK.

251. IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT,

252. DON'T MURDER YOUR WIFE IN THE

253. KITCHEN.

254. A CALIFORNIA CHEF GOT THE

255. MAXIMUM SENTENCE FOR KILLING HIS

256. SPOUSE AND THEN COOK HER BODY

257. FOR FOUR DAYS.

258. OH, NO.

259. LOOK AT HIM.

260. I FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY'S GLOSSING

261. OVER IS WHEN HE FOUND OUT THEY

262. WERE SUSPECTING HIM OF DOING IT

263. HE THREW HIMSELF OFF A CLIFF.

264. HE LIVED.

265. BETWEEN THAT AND STRAIGHT UP

266. SLOW-ROASTING HIS DUDE HE'S DONE

267. TWO THINGS ON MY BUCKET LIST.

268. IT'S IMPORTANT FOR LADIES TO

269. KNOW THE LOOK A GUY GIVES YOU

270. WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO PURCHASE YOU

271. IS THE SAME LOOK WHEN HE'S ABOUT

272. TO EAT YOU.

273. I DIDN'T THINK IT

274. WAS DUMB TO BOIL A BODY FOR FOUR

275. DAYS BECAUSE THERE'S NO

276. NUTRIENTS LEFT.

277. I HOPE HE DOESN'T TURN HER

278. INTO A SMALL PLATE.

279. I HATE WHEN THEY DO THAT.

280. I BET DAY THREE HE

281. WAS TEMPTED TO LIFT THE

282. CROCKPOT.

283. THIS IS A TERRIBLE STORY.

284. HE BOUND HER UP FOR A FULL DAY

285. BEFORE HE COOKED HER AND WHEN I

286. WAS READING THAT I WAS LIKE,

287. THIS IS KIND OF SEXY.

288. AT THIS POINT I

289. FEEL YOU MUST HAVE BEEN IN THE

290. ROOM WHEN HE KILLED HER.

291. UP NEXT IS A

292. JONBENET RAMSEY MEMORIAL

293. PARENTING SEGMENT WHERE PARENTS

294. OF FUTURE ARE THE STARS.

295. A 17-YEAR-OLD RODCHESTER, NEW

296. YORK MOM WAS ARRESTED AFTER

297. PUTTING HER TWO-YEAR-OLD SON

298. INSIDE A RUNNING DRIER AT A

299. PUBLIC LAUNDROMAT.

300. THIS STORY IS SO TERRIBLE.

301. I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE STILL

302. HAVE TO GO TO THE LAUNDROMAT.

303. I'M LIKE, IS THIS REALLY A

304. BIG DEALER MODERN PARENTING

305. BECAUSE IF YOU READ ABOUT IT THE

306. KID CAME OUT FINE AND I

307. GUARANTEE YOU HE WON'T PISS HIS

308. PANTS AGAIN.

309. AND NOW IT'S TIME

310. TO PLAY THE CLASSIC GAME, IS IS

311. THAT A BABY IN THE DRIER.

312. I LOVE THIS GAME.

313. WE'LL PLAY AN AUDIO CLIP OF

314. SOMETHING IN THE DRIER AND YOU

315. TELL ME IF IT'S THE SWEET SOUND

316. OF A BABY OR SOMETHING ELSE IN

317. THE DRIER.

318. FIRST UP, JASON, LISTEN TO THIS

319. SOUND.

320. WOW.

321. JASON, IS THAT A

322. BABY IN THE DRIER?

323. I'M GOING TO SAY NO.

324. IT'S A PRETTY HEAVY METALLIC

325. SOUND SO I'M GOING TO GO WITH

326. NOT A BABY.

327. IT WAS A PANINNI

328. MAKER IN THE DRIER.

329. IN YOUR FACE.

330. NAILED IT.

331. NATASHA, LISTEN TO THIS THING IN

332. THE DRIER.

333. NATASHA, IS THAT A BABY IN THE

334. DRIER?

335. I'M GOING SAY YES.

336. YES, EIGHT POUNDS,

337. NINE OUNCES OF PURE BABY IN THE

338. DRIER.

339. NAILED IT.

340. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AT THIS.

341. JASON, LISTEN TO THIS SOUND.

342. ALL RIGHT.

343. WOW.

344. JASON, IS THAT A

345. BABY IN THE DRIER?

346. I'M GOING SAY YES, THAT'S A

347. BABY DRIER.

348. NO, IT'S THREE

349. BABIES IN THE DRIER.

350. THREE BABIES IN THE DRIER.

351. NO!

352. YES.

353. THAT'S JUST A TIME-SAVER.

354. DOES THIS PANEL MAKE YOU LOOK

355. PANEL?

356. OF COURSE IT'S PANEL.

357. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

358. PANEL.

359. WELCOME BACK TO

360. PANEL.

361. THE PANEL IS LIKE A HOT KNIFE

362. THROUGH WARM PANEL.

363. IT'S MORE PANEL.

364. AND NOW FOR OUR SEGMENT, CULTURE

365. CLUB.

366. WE TAKE A BASEBALL BAT TO THE

367. CHINA SHOP OF HUMAN INTELLECTUAL

368. ACHIEVEMENT.

369. A BIOLOGY TEACHER IN IDAHO WAS

370. GETTING HEAT FROM PARENTS FOR

371. MENTIONING VAGINAS DURING

372. REPRODUCTION.

373. I REMEMBER IN MY DAY WHEN WE

374. HAD TO DISSECT DISSECT VAGINA.

375. IN IDAHO THE TECHNICAL TERM

376. FOR VAGINA IS.

377. HE WAS ONLY SAYING IT IN AN

378. EFFORT TO DESCRIBE HIS OWN

379. FACIAL HAIR.

380. THIS IS A CRAZY

381. STORY.

382. IT'S LIKE FOOTLOOSE FOR VAGINAS.

383. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY IS

384. TEACHING THE FEMALE ORGASM IN

385. CLASS.

386. AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE

387. TEACHING OUR KIDS THINGS THAT

388. ARE REAL?

389. I'M SINGLE, LADIES.

390. IT IS BETTER THAN WHAT THEY

391. DO IN MISSISSIPPI WHERE YOUR

392. UNCLE TEACHES YOU SEX EDUCATION.

393. I WOULD THINK AFTER

394. A LIFE-TIME OF GIVING MUSTACHE

395. RIDES HE'D KNOW WHAT'S UP.

396. IT'S LIKE A BIOLOGY CLASS AND

397. HE'S TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS.

398. IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

399. IN HIGH SCHOOL I TOOK A.P.

400. FINGER BLASTING.

401. A.P.?

402. AND I PASSED.

403. DID YOU GET COLLEGE

404. CREDIT FOR THAT?

405. NO, I WAS HOME SCHOOLED.

406. LET'S DO

407. ROLE-PLAYING.

408. JASON, PRETEND YOUR A TEACHER.

409. EXPLAIN TO NATASHA HOW THE

410. FEMALE ORGASM WORKS WITHOUT

411. SCIENTIFIC WORDS.

412. NATASHA WHEN A MAN LOVES A

413. WOMAN HER FLOWER BECOMES

414. ENGORGED AND HE TAKES OUT HIS

415. HOSE TO WATER HER FLOWER AND

416. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL

417. THING.

418. UNLESS HIS HOSE SHOOTS TOO EARLY

419. AND THEN SHE GETS ANGRY AND THEN

420. THE WHOLE THING OCCURS ABOUT

421. MONEY.

422. WHY?

423. WHY ABOUT MONEY?

424. GUESS WHAT I DON'T NEED, YOU

425. RIDING ME ABOUT MONEY.

426. I CAN GET IT BACK IN A COUPLE

427. MINUTES IF YOU DO MOUTH STUFF.

428. RIGHT?

429. THAT WAS GOOD.

430. FANTASTIC.

431. NOW IT'S TIME FOR LATINO VOICES.

432. JASON HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING

433. GAME OF THRONES THIS SEASON?

434. DO YOU THINK THE NARRATIVE

435. DRAGONS WILL BE BIG ENOUGH FOR

436. HER TO TAKE THE IRON THRONE?

437. HEY, MAN, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN

438. TO ME OKAY, WHAT YOU TALKING IS

439. DEVIL RAYS

440. CRAZY TALK AND THEY CAN TAKE IT

441. OVER IT'S FIRE VERSUS FIRE, MAN.

442. NATASHA, HOW MANY

443. PURSES DO YOU OWN AND WHICH ONE

444. IS YOUR FAVORITE?

445. WELL, ANTHONY, I HAVE ONE

446. PURSE FOR EVERY CHILD I HAVE AND

447. MY FAVORITE PURSE IS THE RED

448. ONE.

449. AND THAT WAS LATINO

450. VOICES.

451. AND NOW IT'S TIME TO THROW OUT

452. THE BABY WITH THE BATH WATER.

453. IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.

454. YOU TWEETED IT, NOW I'M GOING

455. READ IT AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT

456. IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

457. NATASHA, ON FEBRUARY 3 YOU

458. TWEETED, POUND IT!

459. HASHTAG J.K.

460. NATASHA DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

461. EVERYONE WAS TWEETING SPORTS

462. STUFF SO IN MY MIND THAT'S WHAT

463. I THOUGHT PEOPLE SAY TO SPORTS.

464. POUND IT?

465. DID YOU SEE THAT SPORTS GAME

466. THE OTHER DAY?

467. POUND IT.

468. NO, LIKE POUND THE BALL.

469. POUND IT!

470. YEAH, LIKE POUND

471. THE BALL.

472. LIKE THAT OLD SAYING.

473. I'M CURIOUS WHAT SPORT THAT

474. IS.

475. THAT'S A GOOD

476. DEFENSE, NATASHA.

477. ON MARCH 22 YOU TWEETED, SWEET,

478. I MADE $126.07 FILLING OUT

479. SURVEYS.

480. JASON, THAT SEEMS LIKE SPAM,

481. DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

482. I KNOW DOES BUT I MADE 1

483. 1$76.33 BY FILLING OUT SURVEYS.

484. TRUST THE LINK.

485. IT'S FLAWLESS.

486. I'M HILARIOUS ON TWITTER.

487. I'LL BE HONEST THOUGH THE

488. PICTURE LOOKED LIKE A HOMELESS

489. VERSION OF ME.

490. YEAH, IT LOOKS

491. EXACTLY LIKE YOU.

492. THANKS FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

493. CATCH HER LIVE AT COMEDY WORKS

494. IN DENVER AND JASON'S PODCAST,

495. HOW DID THIS GET MADE AVAILABLE

496. ON I TUNES.

497. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

498. SHOW.

499. THANKS AGAIN TO

500. NATASHA LEGGERO AND JASON

501. MANTZOUKAS AND GET TICKETS FOR

502. MY SPRING TOUR AND FOLLOW ME ON

503. ANTHONYJESELNIK.

504. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK AND

505. BEFORE I GO, LETS TAKE A LOOK

506. BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS FROM

507. TONIGHT'S SHOW.

508. HEY, RICH.

509. YEAH, ANTHONY.

510. WHY DID OUR MATH

511. TEACHER CROSS THE ROAD?

512. WHY?

513. BECAUSE IF PEOPLE

514. SAW US WALKING TOGETHER THEY'D

515. KNOW WE WERE.

516. AH, MEMORIES.

517. GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.

518. GO READ A BOOK.

519. WHAT IS THE THIRD

520. MOST COMMON SEARCH FOR WHAT

521. ASIAN PEOPLE SMELL LIKE?

522. RICE.

523. GREAT GUESS.

524. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?

525. NO, IT'S MOTHBALLS.

526. LOOKING FOR MOTHBALLS.