The Jeselnik Offensive 1x3

1. THANK YOU.

2. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

3. AND WELCOME TO THE JESELNIK I'M

4. ANTHONY JESELNIK, HOW ARE YOU

5. KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

6. ANTASTIC.

7. WE'VE GOT YET ANOTHER PERFECT

8. SHOW, BILLY EICHNER AND KRISTIN

9. SHAW ARE HERE.

10. I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF

11. HORRIBLE STUFF IN THE NEWS THIS

12. WEEK.

13. WHAT DO I KNOW?

14. I ONLY READ "WORLD STAR HIP-HOP.

15. " EVERYONE IS STILL LAUGHING

16. ABILITY THIS ONE.

17. LAST WEEK, A HAT AIR BALLOON

18. CRASH IN EGYPT KILLED 19

19. TOURISTS.

20. 19 PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

21. BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, A BUNCH OF

22. LUCKY GUYS GOT OUT OF PROPOSING.

23. HERE SHE IS... MISS TEEN DELAWARE

24. WAS FORCED TO GIVE UP HER CROWN

25. THIS WEEK AFTER HER PORN VIDEO

26. APPEARED ONLINE.

27. THERE IS ANOTHER HAPPY ENDING.

28. SHE WAS OFFERED A HALF A A

29. MILLION CONTRACT BY UPORN.

30. IT GOS TO SHOW YOU WHEN GOD

31. CLOSES A DOOR, HE OPENS UP A

32. BROWSER WINDOW.

33. LET'S PUT A FACE ON THIS STORY.

34. LAST WEEK, A WOMAN IN BOSTON

35. RECEIVED ONE OF THE WORLD'S

36. FIST SUCCESSFUL FACE

37. TRANSPLANTS.

38. AND SHE LOOKS GRAY.

39. IN FACT, THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS

40. CONSTANTLY HAVING TO TELL PEOPLE

41. SHE'S ACTUALLY NOT MINDY

42. McCREADY.

43. THAT WILL DO IT PIGS, THE

44. CONSERVATIVE WATCHDOG GROUPS, 1

45. MILLION MOM IS UPSET WITH A

46. GEICO COMMERCIAL.

47. THE PIG TORMENTS THE MILLION

48. MOMS WITH WAY.

49. UNATTAINABLE BODY IMAGE.

50. THAT'S NO MOON, ACTRESS

51. CARRIE FISCHER WAS RECENTLY

52. HOSPITALIZED AFTER A BIPOLAR

53. EPISODE ON A CRUISESHIP.

54. OFFICIALS SAY SHE'S SAD IT

55. HAPPENED, BUT HAPPY THAT IT

56. HAPPENED.

57. I DON'T THINK WE TALKED ABOUT

58. PORN YET, A MAN IN MICHIGAN SAID

59. HE WAS ROBBED OF OVER $7,000

60. VINTAGE PORN, $7,000.

61. BUT CAN YOU REALLY PUT A PRICE

62. ON WATCHING PEOPLE GIVE EACH

63. OTHER AIDS?

64. HEY, HERE'S SOME NEWS FROM THE

65. WORLD OF PORN... JOE PEDESTRIAN

66. SAYS, THE FOUNDER OF THE "GIRLS

67. GONE WILD" VIDEO FRANCHISE FILED

68. FOR BANKRUPTCY LAST WEEK.

69. I KNOW, RIGHT?

70. DEVASTATING.

71. THE "GIRLS GONE WILD FRACH" IS

72. 16-YEARS-OLD, FRANCES HAS A

73. RELEASE THAT SAYS IT'S 18.

74. > LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE, IN

75. FLORIDA AT A BUILDING FOR THE

76. ONLINE COLLEGE WHOLESALE

77. UNIVERSITY, A STUDENT YELLED

78. RACIAL SLURS AT A BLACK

79. CLASSMATE AND STEN STABBED HIM

80. WITH A SCREWDRIVER, THUS

81. ANSWERING THEING THE

82. QUESTION... WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO

83. GET KICKED OUT OF WHOLESALE

84. UNIVERSITY?

85. > AND FINALLY, BOBBY BROWN HAS

86. BEEN SENTENCED TO 55 DAYS IN

87. JAIL FOR A DUI.

88. BOBBY SAID NORMALLY HE WOULD

89. NEVER DRIVE DRUNK, BUT HE WAS IN

90. A HURRY TO MEET WHITNEY HOUSTON.

91. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, THAT'S MY

92. MONOLOGUE.

93. GOOD NIGHT!

94. ANTHONY!

95. ANTHONY!

96. ANTHONY!

97. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK

98. YOU.

99. YOU GUYS ARE GRAY.

100. I DON'T USUALLY DO A MONOLOGUE

101. ENCORES, BUT, WHAT THE HELL.

102. UNLESS I'M ALMOST POSITIVE WE

103. HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT PORN YET.

104. AFTER OPEN HEART SURGERY, PORN

105. STAR RON JEREMY HAS BEEN GIVEN

106. THE OKAY TO HAVE SEX AGAIN.

107. AND HIS FEMALE CO-STARS ARE

108. THRILLED TO HAVE HIM BACK, TOO.

109. IN FACT, YOU CAN SEE IT ALL OVER

110. THEIR FACES.

111. NOW, THIS IS GOING TO BE A

112. FUN ONE... THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

113. HAVE BEEN DONATED TO FUND A TRIP

114. TO DISNEY WORLD FOR AN ALABAMA

115. CHILD WHO WAS ABDUCTED AND HELD

116. FOR SIX DAYS LAST MONTH.

117. IT'S A NICE GESTURE, BUT THEY

118. MIGHT WANT TO START WITH A RIDE

119. WHERE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SIT

120. DOWN.

121. I'M SAYING THE KID'S PROBABLY

122. PRETTY RAMBUNCTIOUS.

123. NOW, CLEARLY, CHILD ABDUCTION IS

124. A VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC.

125. WHEN A TOP SICK TOO SENSITIVE TO

126. MAKE A JOKE ABOUT, WE MAKE A

127. BUNCH OF JOKES ABOUT IN A

128. SEGMENT WE CALLED SACRED COW.

129. THIS WEEK WE CHOSE MISSING

130. CHILDREN.

131. GETTING A NO NO OUT WILL IS THE

132. MOST IMPORTANT THING TO FIND

133. THEM ON THE OFF CHANCE THEY'RE

134. STILL ALIVE.

135. TAKE THIS ONE, FOR INSTANCE.

136. SEE, THAT IS NOT A GOOD PICTURE.

137. THIS KID IS NEVER GETTING FOUND.

138. THERE YOU GO.

139. NOW SHE'S GOT A FIGHTING CHANCE

140. AND WHEN PHOTO AGING TECHNOLOGY,

141. WE CAN SEE WHAT MISSING KIDS

142. MIGHT LOOK LIKE TODAY.

143. IT ALSO HELPS KIDNAPPERS SEE

144. WHAT THEY'LL BE WORKING WITH IN

145. TEN YEARS.

146. YOWZA!

147. SHE'S A KEEPER.

148. SO CAN MISSING CHILDREN BE

149. FUNNY?

150. I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT AN EXPERT.

151. SO I WHEN TO THE GO MAKE FUN OF

152. AN EXPERT.

153. WATCH THIS.

154. ALL RIGHT, SIR, THANK YOU FOR

155. JOINING ME TODAY, TALKING ABOUT

156. MISSING CHILDRENLE TELL ME YOUR

157. NAME AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

158. MY NAME IS LOGAN FARC.

159. I AM THE CO-FOUNDER OF THE HUMAN

160. TRAFFICKING TASK FORCE.

161. ARE YOU COMFORTABLE RIGHT

162. NOW?

163. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM.

164. WHAT'S THE MOST FRIGHTENING

165. STATISTIC?

166. ABOUT 100,000 WOMEN ARE

167. INDUCTED INTO SEXUAL SLAVERY IN

168. THE UNITED STATES EVERY YEAR AND

169. THE AVERAGE INTRODUCTION AGE IS

170. 13 YEARS OLD.

171. OH, MAN, 13, PATHETIC.

172. AT WHAT POINT DO YOU JUST GIVE

173. UP?

174. A WEEK?

175. TWO?

176. TWO DAYS?

177. THE HORRIBLE THING WOULD BE

178. TO SAY WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF

179. MONEY.

180. I DON'T DO THAT.

181. BUT YOU WOULD 'THEY RAN OUT

182. OF MONEY?

183. WELL.

184. YOU KNOW, IF I WERE A PERSON

185. WHO KIDNAPPED CHILDREN, I THEY

186. PRETTY GOOD COVER WOULD BE

187. PREENDING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO

188. FINDS MISSING CHILDREN.

189. SO OVER TIME, WHAT WILL BE THE

190. MOST SUCCESSFUL WAY TO LURE A

191. KID INTO A VAN?

192. THE HELP ME FIND MY PUPPY

193. APPROACH OR WHO WANTS SOME CANDY

194. APPROACH?

195. HELP ME FIND MY PUPPY.

196. THAT'S THE GOOD ONE?

197. SHOWING A PICTURE.

198. DO YOU THINK A KITTEN WILL

199. WORK AS WELL OR A PUPPY?

200. SKBL MORE KIDS LIKE PUPPIES THAN

201. KITTENS.

202. EVERYONE WANTS TO SAVE A PUPPY.

203. LOGAN, LET'S TRY THIS

204. EXERCISE, SEE HOW GOOD YOU ARE

205. AT FINDING PEOPLE.

206. I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.

207. COUNT TO FIVE.

208. I WANT YOU TO TRY TO FIND ME.

209. READY, GO!

210. SO STATISTICALLY, HOW OFTEN IS A

211. CHILD ABDUCTED?

212. ABOUT EVERY 40 SECONDS.

213. SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING

214. TO ME RIGHT NOW?

215. THAT'S A REALLY GOOD QUESTION

216. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

217. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KRISTIN

218. SHAW AND BILLY EIHNER.

219. WELCOME BACK TO THE "THE

220. JESELNIK OFFENSIVE."

221. A NEW REPORT FROM USA TODAY SAYS

222. THAT 10% OF SENIOR CITIZENS HAVE

223. SUFFERED AND THAT 90% OF ARE YOU

224. PICTURING A DOMINICAN NURSE

225. RIGHT NOW.

226. ON THAT KIND OF ABUSE ALWAYS

227. HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

228. NO ONE EVER ATTACKS OLD PEOPLE

229. PUBLICLY.

230. THAT'S FAR WORSE.

231. YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD OF DOG

232. SHAME?

233. NOW, IT'S TIME FOR ELDERLY SHAME

234. AND NOW PRETTY LITTLE THING, LET

235. ME LIGHT YOUR CANDLE BECAUSE

236. WE'RE ABOUT TO GO THROUGH TWO

237. ACTS OF PANEL NOW.

238. IT'S TIME FOR PANEL.

239. YOU KNOW HER FROM "FLIGHT OF THE

240. CONCOURSE"THE DAILY SHOW" AND

241. "BOB'S BURGERS" IT'S THE

242. FABULOUS KRISTIN SHAW AND FROM

243. FUNNIER GUYS, "BILLY ON THE

244. TREAT" WELCOME THE MORE FABULOUS

245. BILLY EICHNER.

246. KRISTIN, BILLY, IT'S SO GREAT TO

247. HAVE YOU ON HERE TOGETHER.

248. YOU GUYS WENT TO COLLEGE

249. TOGETHER?

250. YEAH, THAT IS TRUE.

251. WE DID, WE WERE IN ACTING

252. CLASSES FOR THREE YEARS.

253. WE PAIRED UP FOR ALL THE SCENES.

254. WE'RE AMAZING ACTORS AS

255. EVERYONE KNOWS.

256. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE

257. MEMORY?

258. I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES.

259. MY FAVOURITE MEMORY IS THAT I

260. ACTUALLY GOT TO GO INTO A

261. DRESSING ROOM ONCE WITH KRISTIN

262. SHAW WHEN SHE WAS TRYING ON

263. BIKINIS.

264. AND I'M GAY IF YOU DON'T KNOW.

265. SHE LET ME IN THE DRESSING ROOM.

266. SHE COMPLETELY EXPOSED BOTH OF

267. HER BREASTS TO ME.

268. GOAT OF THEM?

269. BOTH OF THEM, INCLUDING BOTH

270. NIPPLES.

271. ARE YOU STILL GAY?

272. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

273. BUT THEY DID LOOK AMAZING.

274. YEAH, THEY'RE GOOD.

275. THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.

276. I HAVE A MEMORY OF BEING AT A

277. PARTY WITH YOU WHERE WE LIKE SIT

278. IN A CIRCLE AND YOU TOOK YOUR

279. CLOTHES OFF AND I SAW YOUR

280. PACKAGE.

281. YEAH!

282. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

283. YES, I HAVE LIKE AN AVERAGE

284. SIZE PENIS BUT ENORMOUS BALLS.

285. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE

286. PARTYING IN COLLEGE.

287. LET GET RIGHT INTO IT WITH THE

288. BEST WORK OF THE WEEK.

289. THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES, THIS ONE

290. IS MY FAVOURITE.

291. FUNDAMENTALIST MINISTER SCOTT

292. LIVELY CLAIMS HE HAS PROOF THAT

293. PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GAY.

294. WHICH BROFS ONE THING FOR

295. CERTAIN, FUNDAMENTALIST MINISTER

296. SCOTT LIVELY IS GAY.

297. LIVELY SAYS HE SPENT TIME IN

298. CHICAGO GAY BARS LOOKING FOR

299. EVIDENCE AND POINTS TO OBAMA'S

300. VACATION WITH HIS MALE PERSONAL

301. ASSISTANT.

302. WOW.

303. IF THIS IS TRUE, IT'S SADNESS

304. FOR OBAMA, BECAUSE HE COULD GET

305. KICKED OUT OF HIS MOSQUE.

306. THAT'S TRUE.

307. THIS GUY IS SCOTT LIVELY.

308. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A GAYER

309. NAME THAN SCOTT LIVELY?

310. NO.

311. THAT IS THE GAYEST NAME I

312. EVER HEARD.

313. IT'S LIKE RICHMOND SIMMONS.

314. WHAT ARE THE SIGNS WE SHOULD

315. HAVE SEEN THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA

316. IS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL?

317. THOSE ARE THE LOOKS IF I EVER

318. SEEN THEM.

319. YEAH, THEY'RE SORE.

320. I HEARD A RUMOR THAT HE TURNED

321. DOWN AN INVITE TO THE SECRET

322. SERVICE COLUMBIAN HOOKER PARTY.

323. AND WHO WOULD TURN THAT DOWN?

324. I DON'T KNOW.

325. I HEARD OBAMA ONLY BAILED OUT

326. CHRYSLER BECAUSE HE WANTED TO

327. SAVE THE PT CRUISER.

328. I DON'T KNOW WHAT A PT

329. CRUISER IS.

330. IT'S THE CAR YOU OWN.

331. OH.

332. WHAT DOES PT STAND FOR?

333. PENIS TUNNEL.

334. ALL RIGHT.

335. SO THE TUNNEL ON WHEELS.

336. THANKS FOR GETTING ME OUT OF

337. THAT ONE, BILLY.

338. OH.

339. FOR THIS THEY CANCELLED

340. CHOCOLATE NEWS.

341. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

342. PLEESHTIONS WE PREFER TO BE

343. CALLED —

344. OH.

345. AH-HA.

346. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

347. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

348. LIVELY HAS PROOF THAT OBAMA

349. WAS IN A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT GAY

350. BARS IN CHICAGO.

351. WHICH MAKES ME THINK, WHAT WERE

352. THE NAMES, DICK BUTKISS?

353. MICHAEL JORDAN STAKEHOUSE.

354. AL KABONE.

355. PIZZA.

356. BEAT THIS.

357. BEAT THIS.

358. THAT'S THE MOTTO.

359. THEY WANT IT DEEP.

360. REAL DEEP.

361. SEW PRACTICE WIN FREE

362. DEPARTMENT.

363. — OPRAH WINFREY DEPARTMENT.

364. I THINK THAT'S ACTUALLY GAULD

365. GAIL'S O'GRADY.

366. THE CHICAGO WHITE

367. OH.

368. BILLY, ARE YOU GOING TO LET

369. HER GIVE THAT TO YOU?

370. GIVE ME ONE MORE.

371. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TOP THE

372. CHICAGO WHITE

373. SO RACIST, NOT EVEN OBAMA CAN

374. GET THIS.

375. OF ALL THE PANEL POINTS AND

376. PANEL POUNDS AND PANEL WORLDS,

377. YOU HAD TO PANEL INTO MINE.

378. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LOADS

379. MORE PANEL.

380. WELCOME BACK.

381. ONCE BITTEN, TWICE PANEL.

382. WE GOT MORE PANEL.

383. NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WHAT'S

384. THEIR PROBLEM?

385. I'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF

386. SOMEONE FROM THE NEWS, YOU TELL

387. ME WHAT'S THEIR PROBLEM?

388. OKAY.

389. HERE'S OUR FIRST LITTLE LADY.

390. GUYS... WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

391. TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.

392. I THINK THERE'S A POSSIBILITY

393. THAT SHE GOT FIRED FROM BEING A

394. KATHY BATES' IMPERSONATOR.

395. MAYBE HER PROBLEM IS HER

396. TEETH ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO

397. ESCAPE FROM HER HEAD?

398. THOSE ARE ALL GOOD GUESSES,

399. GUYS.

400. HERE'S WHAT HER ACTUAL PROBLEM

401. IS... SHE'S IN TROUBLE FOR

402. WRAPPING HER KID'S FACE IN DUCT

403. TAPE 57B SENDING OUT PICTURES.

404. ALTHOUGH, IF YOU CAN THINK OF A

405. BETTER WAY TO GET RID OF THOSE

406. UNSIGHTLY EYELASHES, I'D LIKE TO

407. HEAR IT.

408. LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE RENE

409. ZELLWEGER.

410. SAY WHAT YOU WILL, THIS KID

411. DOES A GREAT ROBO-COP.

412. WANT TO SEE MY ZELLWEGER

413. IMPERSONATION?

414. YES, I DO.

415. YOU DO A RENE ZELLWEGER IM(E

416. PERSONATION?

417. OH, YOU HAD ME AT HELLO.

418. I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING TO DO

419. IT.

420. THAT WAS GREAT.

421. LIKE IT?

422. THAT WAS GREAT.

423. IT COMPLETES ME.

424. NEXT... CHECK OUT THIS TROUBLED

425. SPECTATOR RIGHT HERE.

426. WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

427. MAYBE SHE'S ON THE PHONE AND

428. HER UNCLE RONNIE TOLD HER THAT

429. HE HEARD THE NEWS THAT OBAMA IS

430. PROBABLY GAY.

431. SHE IS JUST NOW GETTING A

432. JOKE ON "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER."

433. IT IS A SHOCKING ONE!

434. YEAH, THAT WAS EDGY FOR THAT

435. SHOW.

436. e.

437. I'M SORRY, GUYS, BUT THIS

438. LITTLE LADY WAS A LITTLE TOO

439. CLOSE FOR COMFORT AT THE DAYTONA

440. 500 DURING ONE OF THE MOST AWFUL

441. CRASHES IN THE HISTORY OF THE

442. SPORT.

443. YEAH.

444. LOOK AT.

445. THAT I'M USUALLY NOT A NASCAR

446. FAN, BUT WHEN IT'S GOOD, IT'S

447. GOOD.

448. IT TURNS OUT SHE WAS USING

449. HER ROLLOVER MINUTES.

450. MOVING ON, FEAST YOUR EYES ON

451. THIS BUSY PRINCESS.

452. OH.

453. WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

454. SHE JUST BOMBED HER PROACTIVE

455. COMMERCIAL?

456. I LOOK INTO HER EYES, AND I

457. SEE SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH THE

458. SAME THINGS I AM.

459. I THINK SHE CAN'T FINISH HER

460. NOVEL.

461. SHE'S CAMERON DIAZ.

462. HARSH, BILLY, HARSH BUT FAIR.

463. I LIKE HER.

464. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

465. YOU GUYS WILL LIKE IT EVEN MORE

466. WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT SHE

467. ACTUALLY DID.

468. HER PROBLEM IS SHE WAS CAUGHT BY

469. POLICE HAVING SEX WITH HER

470. PITBULL IN HER FRONT LAWN IN THE

471. MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON.

472. PLUS, PITBULLS ARE BRED FOR

473. FIGHTING, SO YOU KNOW IT WAS

474. MAKE-UP SEX.

475. THAT WAS A DOUBLE STANDARD

476. ALERT.

477. SHE'S GOING TO JAIL AND HER

478. PARTNER IS JUST GETTING PUNISHED

479. WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER.

480. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS

481. NEXT GENTLEMAN.

482. WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

483. I DON'T KNOW, BUT I LIKE IT.

484. HE LOOKS LIKE THE THE WORLD'S

485. HOTTEST TERRORIST.

486. I'M GUESSING THAT MAYBE

487. DANIEL KOTCH HASN'T WRITTEN BACK

488. HIS FAN LET DISBLERS HE IS

489. DEALING WITH THE AGE OLD PROBLEM

490. OF BREAKING INTO A FIRE HOUSE

491. AND MASTERBATING ON THEIR HATS

492. AND HOSES AND BOOTS AND STUFF.

493. YOU CAN'T WALK INTO SOMEONE'S

494. ROOM AND MASTERBATING ON ALL

495. THEIR THINGS.

496. YES, YOU CAN.

497. NO YOU CAN'T.

498. YEAH, YOU CAN, WHAT IS THIS

499. FRESHMAN YEAR SHERIFF PAUL ROOM

500. 622?

501. WELL, I AM GUESSING THE FIRE

502. HOUSE DALMATION HAS A FEW MORE

503. SPOTS NOW.

504. AND THAT WAS WHAT THEIR

505. PROBLEMS WAS.

506. BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO DROWN

507. YOUR BABY AND THEN BLAME IT ON A

508. BLACK GUY.

509. IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEETS.

510. YOU TWEETED IT.

511. NOW I'M GOING TO READ IT AND ASK

512. TO YOU DEFEND IT IN FRONT OF ALL

513. THESE PEOPLE.

514. KRISTIN YOU ARE FIRST.

515. ON JANUARYth, YOU TWEETED,

516. CHERRY TOMATOS WILL ALWAYS HAVE

517. THE LAST LAUGH.

518. KRISTIN, DEFEND YOUR TWEETS.

519. OKAY.

520. IT'S A TWITTER WORLD.

521. THAT WAS A STRONG, AGGRESSIVE

522. DEFENSE.

523. I GOT TO ADMIT IT, I DIDN'T

524. EXPECT IT.

525. BILLY.

526. MOVING ON TO YOU.

527. OKAY.

528. ON OCTOBER 30th, YOU TWEETED,

529. OKAY, GUYS, I GET IT, AIDEN

530. CHRISTIANSEN WASN'T IN QUALITY

531. THE PHANTOM MENACE" HE'S AN

532. EWOK.

533. MY GRANDPARENTS ARE ALL DEAD.

534. BILLY, DEFEND YOUR TWEETS.

535. MY GRANDPARENTS ARE ALL DEAD!

536. GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

537. BEING HERE TONIGHT.

538. CATCH CHRISTEN ON "BOB'S

539. BURGERS" AND HER SPECIAL LIVE AT

540. THE FILLMORE WHICH APPEARS APRIL

541. 1st ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

542. NO, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE

543. GOING TO AIR IT, ACTUALLY.

544. AND SEE BILLY ON THE STREET,

545. FRIDAYS ON THE TUBE.

546. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

547. SHOW.

548. THANKS AGAIN TO BILLY EICHNER

549. AND KRISTIN SHAW.

550. AND CHECK OUT THE NEW TOUR

551. SEDATES FOR MY NEW SPRING TOUR

552. AT JESELNIK.com.

553. YOUR PRESALE CODE IS THE WORD

554. DARK.

555. WE'LL SEE YA NEXT WEEK.

556. BEFORE I GO, LET'S TAKE A LOOK

557. BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS FROM

558. TONIGHT'S SHOW.

559. HEY, DARLENE, WHO'S THE BLACK

560. SHEEP IN YOUR FAMILY?

561. INTL MY SISTER'S KID JAMAL.

562. WHO HAS THOSE?

563. WHO CHOOSE THEIR FLIMSY RELAYS?

564. WHICH WAYS TO ANNE HATHAWAY,

565. CLEARLY, THOSE PEOPLE WERE

566. MAKING JOKES.

567. LET'S GO.

568. WHO DID YOU RATHER SLEEP WITH,

569. JULIA ROBERTS OR JULIA STYLES?

570. DON'T ANSWER THAT.

571. AH, MEMORIES.

572. GOOD NIGHT, KIDS, GO READ A

573. BOOK.

574. IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, HOW LONG

575. DOES IT TAKE A KID WHO HAS BEEN

576. IDENTIFYING WITH THEIR CAPTORS?

577. THREE OR FOUR BIEKSA.

578. BE PATIENT?