The Jeselnik Offensive 1x2

Directed by

Nick Kroll as Self • Patton Oswalt as Self

Anthony shares some child mortality stats, explores what happens when group sex gets violent, and makes Patton and Nick defend their tweets.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. THANK YOU.

2. THANK YOU.

3. THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

4. THANK YOU.

5. THANK YOU AND

6. WELCOME TO THE JESELNIK

7. OFFENSIVE I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.

8. HOW KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

9. FANTASTIC.

10. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PERFECT SHOW

11. FOUR TONIGHT.

12. MY FRIENDS PAT AND OSWALT AND

13. NICK KROLL ARE HERE.

14. THEY'RE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR

15. VOICE WORK AND ONCE YOU SEE THEM

16. LATER ON YOU'LL UNDERSTAND

17. EXACTLY WHY.

18. NOW THIS IS CRAZY.

19. A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA ATTACKED

20. HER BOYFRIEND AND ASSAULTED HIS

21. MOTHER AND SMASHED HIS

22. TELEVISION AFTER SHE CAUGHT HIM

23. MASTURBATING IN THE SHOWER.

24. WHICH COULD SOUND LIKE AN

25. OVERREACTION BUT IT WAS A BABY

26. SHOWER.

27. WE'VE ALL DONE

28. THAT.

29. TASTE THE RAINBOW FOR THE FIRST

30. TIME EVER, GAY SOLDIERS AND

31. THEIR PARTNERS WILL BE BURIED

32. TOGETHER IN ARLINGTON NATIONAL

33. CEMETERY.

34. BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED YOU

35. SHOULD KNOW IT'S WHILE THEIR

36. STILL ALIVE.

37. LAST WEEK, COUNTRY

38. SINGER MINDY McCREEDY SHOT HER

39. DOG AND THEN HERSELF IN WHAT

40. POLICE ARE CALLING A HORRIBLE

41. TRAGEDY FOLLOWED BY A SUICIDE.

42. HERE'S A FUN FACT.

43. ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE

44. LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR

45. CHILDREN IN AMERICA IS

46. ACCIDENTS.

47. COMING IN A CLOSE SECOND,

48. EXCELLENTS.

49. — ACCIDENTS.

50. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4

51. POLICE ARE LOOK FOR A MALE MAN

52. WHO'S BEEN THROWING SEMEN TO

53. FEMALE SHOPPERS AT WAL-MART.

54. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEY CAN NOW

55. BE 1/16th.

56. THEY CAN GET INTO COLLEGE AND

57. NOW NEWTOWN SHOOTER, ADAM LANZA

58. MAY HAVE BEEN TRYING OUTDO THE

59. DEATH TOLL OF BREVIK.

60. IT WAS 77-67.

61. TALK ABOUT A MASSACRE.

62. LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.

63. X-PORN STAR SCARLETT ROUGE HAS

64. BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDERING HER

65. BOYFRIEND.

66. DETECTIVES DON'T HAVE MUCH TO GO

67. ON BUT BELIEVE THE NAME OF THE

68. FIRST PET WAS SCARLETT AND SHE

69. GREW UP ON ROUGE ROAD.

70. EVERYBODY BOW DOWN TO THE ROW IN

71. GEORGIA A DEATH MATE WITH AN

72. I.Q. OF 70 WAS GRANTED A STAY

73. AFTER THE JUDGE THOUGHT IT WOULD

74. BE IRRESPONSIBLE TO EXECUTE THE

75. SMARTEST PERSON IN GEORGIA AND

76. FINALLY ALBINO RHINO BEER HAS

77. HAS A COMPLAINT FILED AGAINST

78. IT.

79. THAT WAS A GREAT MONOLOGUE.

80. LET'S SEE WHAT THE CRITICS ARE

81. SAYING.

82. KIDS, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLACK

83. HISTORY MONTH.

84. YOU'RE ASKING ME, ANTHONY, WHAT

85. CAN YOU POSSIBLY TELL US ABOUT

86. BLACK PEOPLE.

87. NOTHING.

88. I'M GOING TO LET YOU KIDS TELL

89. ME WITH OUR VERY FIRST JESELNIK

90. OFFENSIVE BLACK NAME SPELLING

91. BEE.

92. LET'S SEE WHAT OUR

93. CONTESTANTS WILL BE PLAYING FOR

94. TONIGHT.

95. BEFORE WE PICKED

96. PEOPLE FROM THE AUDIENCE AND

97. LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT

98. COME ON UP HERE.

99. HOW YOU DOING?

100. GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

101. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

102. CASSIE.

103. WHAT DO YOU DO.

104. I'M A SCREEN WRITING STUDENT.

105. OH, MY GOD.

106. WHAT KIND OF WAITRESS DO YOU

107. WANT TO BE?

108. MAYBE DENNY'S.

109. MAYBE DENNY'S?

110. I AIM LOW TO BE HIGH.

111. YEAH, WELL YOU'RE

112. TRYING TO BE A SCREEN WRITER SO

113. YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT AIMING LOW.

114. YES, I DO.

115. READY, CASSIE.

116. HERE'S THE NAME OF AN ACTUAL

117. BLACK PERSON AND YOU SPELL IT

118. FIRST.

119. IT SHOULD BE EASY UNLESS YOUR

120. RACIST.

121. OKAY.

122. CASSIE, YOUR NAME IS QUVENZHANE.

123. AS IN THE STAR OF "BEASTS OF THE

124. SOUTHERN WILD."

125. HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

126. NO.

127. ME EITHER.

128. GO AHEAD.

129. Q-U-V-A-N-Z-A.

130. OH, SORRY, CASSIE,

131. I WAS LOOKING FOR QUVENZHANE

132. WITH THE EGU AT THE END.

133. VOYEUR

134. SORRY, CASSIE.

135. YOU'RE A RACIST PILE OF GARBAGE.

136. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.

137. GOOD, MAN.

138. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

139. MORGAN.

140. GREAT SPORT FOR

141. BEING UP HERE.

142. WHAT DO YOU DO?

143. HOST AT A RESTAURANT?

144. WHAT RESTAURANT?

145. SADDLE RANCH ON SUN SET.

146. OH, MY GOD HAVE YOU

147. EVER HAD TO THROW YOURSELF OUT

148. OF SADDLE RANCH?

149. NO.

150. OKAY.

151. MORGAN I THINK YOU'LL DO WELL

152. WITH THIS.

153. YOUR NAME IS DANTE.

154. THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT

155. DANTE HIGHTOWER.

156. ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU SPELL

157. DANTE?

158. D-O-N-T-A.

159. OH, MY GOD.

160. D-O-N-T-A

161. D-O-N-T-A.

162. WOW, NO ONE SAW THAT COMING ARE

163. YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?

164. YEAH.

165. OKAY THAT'S WHAT

166. HAPPENED.

167. IT'S NOT A BLACK THING.

168. IT'S A FOOTBALL THING.

169. ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

170. BRING IT BACK OUT AT THE END FOR

171. EXTRA CREDIT.

172. GIVE IT UP FOR DONTA.

173. HOW YOU DOING?

174. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

175. MIKA.

176. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR

177. A LIVING?

178. STUDYING TO BECOME A RABBI.

179. YOU KNOW HOW TO

180. SPELL ALL KINDS OF WHACKY

181. THINGS.

182. YEAH, CRAZY THINGS.

183. ALL RIGHT, MIKA,

184. YOU'RE GOING SPELL THE NAME

185. YUSENA.

186. AS IN AUTHORITIES IDENTIFIED THE

187. SUSPECT AS YUSENA.

188. Y-E-S-H-A.

189. Y-E-S-S-E-H-N-A.

190. IT'S HENCE HENNESSEY BACKWARDS.

191. THANK YOU, THAT WAS GREAT.

192. LET'S BRING MORGAN BACK OUT

193. HERE.

194. MORGAN IS OUR WINNER.

195. HAPPY FEBRUARY.

196. I HOPE ALL OUR CONTESTANTS

197. LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SPELLING

198. AND THEMSELVES.

199. BACK WITH PAT OS OSWALT AND NICK

200. KROLL AND MAYBE MINDY.

201. WELCOME BACK TO THE

202. JESS

203. JESELNIK OFFENSIVE.

204. HERE'S A VIDEO WE CALL 9-11

205. BABIES.

206. HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.

207. HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.

208. HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.

209. WHOOSH.

210. I'LL FEED YOU IN ABOUT 20

211. MINUTES.

212. WHO SAYS I CAN'T

213. TAKE DIRECTION.

214. NOW WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU PANEL,

215. MAKE PANELADE.

216. POLICE WELCOME CHARLIZE THERON

217. AND STARS ON JUSTIFIED THE GREAT

218. PAT AND OSWALT.

219. YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE LEAGUE ON

220. FX AND NOW HIS VERY OWN SHOW ON

221. COMEDY CENTRAL, KROLL SHOW, NICK

222. KROLL.

223. NOW DO I THIS RIGHT, YOU WERE

224. NAMED AFTER THE GUY WHO DID THE

225. VOICE OF RATOUILLE?

226. I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

227. PAT AND OSWALT IS MY STAGE NAME

228. SO IT'S NOT MY ACTUAL REAL NAME.

229. WHAT'S YOUR REAL

230. NAME?

231. NICHOLAS KROLL.

232. NICK, NOT A LOT OF

233. PEOPLE KNOW THIS BUT YOU'RE LIKE

234. A STRAIGHT-EDGE GUY, NO BOOZE,

235. NO DRUGS.

236. BASICALLY.

237. I SMOKE A LITTLE BIT OF POT

238. CONSTANTLY.

239. I STILL CALL THAT

240. STRAIGHT EDGE.

241. OKAY.

242. LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT WITH THE

243. BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.

244. OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES

245. THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

246. ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, KILL YOUR

247. GIRLFRIEND.

248. SOUTH AFRICAN SPRINTER AND

249. DOUBLE AMPUTEE OSCAR PISTORIUS

250. HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH

251. PREMEDICATED MURDER AFTER

252. ALLEGEDLY SHOOTING AND CRICKET

253. BATTING HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DEATH.

254. IS THAT THE SOUTH AFRICAN

255. NATIONAL ANTHEM?

256. IT COULD BE.

257. I THINK THAT'S THE INTERSTICI

258. INTERSTICIAL STUFF ON LAW AND

259. ORDER.

260. LOOK HOW HOT THIS

261. GIRL USED TO BE.

262. I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SAY

263. HE COULD MURDER HIS GIRLFRIEND

264. LIKE JUST ANY ABLE-BODIED

265. ATHLETE.

266. AND ALSO THE FACT THE CRICKET

267. BAT — WHICH, I DON'T KNOW, DID

268. YOU READ THE POLICE REPORT ABOUT

269. IT?

270. COURSE.

271. THE INVESTORS ARE DESCRIBING

272. THE USE OF THE CRICKET BAT TO

273. KILL THE GIRLFRIEND AS THE MOST

274. INTERESTING THING EVER DONE WITH

275. A CRICKET BAD.

276. THAT'S TRUE.

277. IN HIS DEFENSE, HE

278. HEARD A GUNSHOT AND HE'S A

279. SPRINTER.

280. HE THOUGHT A RACE WAS BEGINNING.

281. JUST HAPPENS THIS RACE WAS YOU

282. KNOW ABOUT WHO COULD KILL THEIR

283. GIRLFRIEND FASTER.

284. I THINK IT'S INTERESTING HE

285. SHOT HER THROUGH A BATHROOM DOOR

286. WHICH SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IN HIS

287. DEFENSE WOMEN DO TAKE FOREVER IN

288. THE BATHROOM.

289. WHO HASN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

290. I'M SURPRISED HE

291. ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE

292. SHE CLEARLY SEEMED LIKE SHE WORE

293. THE PANTS.

294. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK THEY WERE

295. ARGUING ABOUT AT THE TIME?

296. WELL, LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO

297. JUDGE A GUY UNTIL I'VE WALKED A

298. MILE IN HIS SHOES BUT —

299. MAYBE LIKE OH, YOU'RE LEGS

300. TEAR UP OUR SHEETS WHEN WE DO IT

301. DOGGY STYLE.

302. JUST THE NORMAL STUFF.

303. I THINK RELATIONSHIPS HAVE

304. UPS AND DOWNS AND IN HIS DEFENSE

305. HE NEVER LIKED SHE WAS PROTENT

306. TO BE A ROBBER AND HIDE IN THE

307. BATHROOM SCREAMING DON'T SHOOT

308. ME.

309. I BET THEY WERE ARGUING

310. ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HIS

311. EXPLOSIVE TEMPER.

312. MAYBE THAT HAD

313. SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

314. THAT'S A GOOD THING TO PICK A

315. FIGHT OVER.

316. I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD

317. KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS.

318. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS STORY HAS

319. LEGS.

320. BUT DON'T FORGET

321. ALSO THAT ANYONE WHO GOES TO

322. PRISON IN SOUTH AFRICA

323. EVENTUALLY GETTO BE PRESIDENT.

324. THAT'S TRUE.

325. UP NEXT IS THE

326. WORSE, WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.

327. A TERRIBLE STORY JUST LIKE THE

328. LAST ONE ONLY WORSE.

329. MIND IF I CUT IN?

330. DURING A THREESOME BETWEEN TWO

331. MEN AND A WOMAN, ONE GUY STABBED

332. THE OTHER GUY OVER REFUSING TO

333. SWITCH POSITIONS.

334. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

335. WHENEVER YOU BRING A KNIFE TO A

336. SWORD FIGHT.

337. WOW.

338. IT'S WEIRD.

339. IT'S JUST ODD YOU BRING THE

340. STORY UP BECAUSE MY SAFE WORD IS

341. I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON'T

342. SWITCH VAGINAS.

343. THAT'S ODD SO — KIND OF HITS

344. CLOSE TO HOME.

345. I KNOW THAT IS A

346. FACT.

347. WHAT I'VE TAKEN AWAY FROM THE

348. STORY IS THIS LITTLE PRINCESS IS

349. IS SINGLE.

350. AND VERY ADVENTUROUS.

351. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE

352. TO JUMP ON IT NO MATTER WHAT.

353. YOU GUYS SAID SOMETHING

354. INTERESTING.

355. I WANT TO YOU DO AN IMPROV GAME

356. LIKE IMPROV ONLY FUN TO WATCH.

357. LET'S SAY YOU GUYS ARE IN A

358. THREE-WAY WITH A GIRL AND PAT

359. YOU NEED NICK TO SWITCH PLACES

360. WITH YOU AND CONVINCE HIM LIKE A

361. GENTLEMAN WITHOUT VIOLENCE.

362. WOW, YOU'RE REALLY DIGGING

363. SOME TUNNELS HERE.

364. GOING GOOD.

365. MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

366. I'M ALSO LIKE, SHE'S LOOKING

367. VERY HAPPY I THINK IT'S TIME TO

368. MAYBE — SHE'S GIVING ME THE

369. HIGH-FIVE.

370. I DON'T KNOW I THINK I'M GOING

371. STICK AT IT WHERE I AM.

372. THIS IS THE HOLE I WANT.

373. YOU PULL OUT AND I THRUST —

374. OOH, YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY.

375. GOING FULL CHAP NOW.

376. OH, YEAH.

377. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT

378. NOW.

379. I TALKED ABOUT IT EARLIER.

380. I JUST — DUDE, I'M GOING TO

381. START CRYING.

382. YOU CRY.

383. REMEMBER IT'S NOT

384. THE JOURNEY, IT'S THE PANEL.

385. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

386. PANEL.

387. WELCOME BACK.

388. MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME AND

389. IT'S P-A-N-E-L AND WE TALK ABOUT

390. A PRODUCT YOU CAN STEAL AND THE

391. MAKERS OF THE ALCOHOLIC ENERGY

392. DRINK HAVE AGREED TO GIVE IT A

393. NEW DESCRIPTIVE LABEL.

394. SOMETHING TO READ IN THE BACK OF

395. A SQUAD CAR.

396. SORRY, WAIT A MINUTE.

397. IF I REMEMBER THIS CORRECTLY —

398. TAKE YOUR TIME.

399. A 23-OUNCE CHANCE IS THE

400. EQUIVALENT OF FIVE BEERS BUT LET

401. YOUR SOMALIER TELL YOU THAT.

402. IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE LIKE

403. PUTTING REGULATIONS ON AND NEXT

404. THING YOU KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE

405. AWAY HAND GUNS.

406. I'M GLAD THEY'RE PUTTING

407. CLEAR MARKINGS ON THEIR CANS

408. BECAUSE FOUR LOCO DRINKERS ARE

409. CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THEY PUT IN

410. THEIR BODIES.

411. SO IT'S GOOD AND ALSO THERE'S

412. NOTHING GOING TO WARN THEM

413. BETTER THAN A LOT OF STUFF TO

414. READ.

415. THAT'S REALLY GOING HELP.

416. BIG READERS.

417. WHAT DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE ON

418. THE LABEL?

419. I THINK THE NEW CARTOON

420. MASCOT WOULD BE A LITTLE

421. DEFORMED FETUS GOING SEE YOU IN

422. FOUR MONTHS.

423. THAT'S GOOD.

424. I LIKE THAT.

425. I THINK SOMETHING LIKE DON'T

426. DRINK AND DRIVE YOUR DODGE NEON.

427. THAT'S GOOD.

428. I THINK WHAT ABOUT LIKE

429. INCARCERATION FOR DATE RAPE

430. COULD BE CLOSER THAN IT APPEARS.

431. NICE.

432. HOW ABOUT MAY CAUSE FULL BUSEY.

433. YOU HAVE GOOD

434. IDEAS.

435. I THINK WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE

436. FOR LOCO FANS IS THE CAMOUFLAGE

437. LOOK SO WHEN YOU'RE HUNTING IT'S

438. SAFE.

439. THEY KNOW FOR LOCO DRINKERS

440. TEND TO WANDER OFF TO THE WOODS.

441. GENERALLY HUNTING FOR A GED.

442. THAT IS GREAT.

443. DID YOU NOTICE IN THEIR

444. PRODUCT PHOTO ONE OF THE FOUR

445. LOCOS IS PASSED OUT?

446. OKAY.

447. TIME TO CLOSE THE GARAGE AND

448. TURN ON THE CAR.

449. IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.

450. YOU TWEETED IT AND I'M GOING

451. READ IT AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT

452. IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

453. NICK, ON FEBRUARY 18 YOU TWEETED

454. I WANT TO OPEN A STORE CALLED

455. HEADPHONE, PRINTER CARTRIDGES

456. AND ADOBE FILE UPDATER TO BURN

457. IT TO THE GROUND.

458. NICK, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

459. FIRST, I'M A HUGE FAN OF

460. ARSON.

461. THAT MAKES SENSE.

462. NO, BUT I MEAN, COME ON.

463. PRINTER CARTRIDGES.

464. WHAT'S THE DEAL?

465. WELL PLAYED, MR.

466. KROLL.

467. WAS THAT A DEFENSE OR

468. DEFLECTION.

469. IT WAS THE DEFENSE

470. NICK KROLL COULD POSSIBLY HAVE.

471. THE JOKE WAS IN THE BATHROOM.

472. I THINK A LOT OF

473. THINGS YOU DO ARE IN THE

474. BATHROOM.

475. WAS THAT A TOILET TWEET?

476. A PISTORIUS TWEET.

477. I'M GOING HAVE TO

478. CUT YOU OFF AT THE LEG THERE'S.

479. MOVING ON TO YOU, JANUARY 13 YOU

480. TWEETED COULDN'T GET HER TO

481. ADMIT IT ON HER DEATH BED BUT

482. I'M 100% CERTAIN MY GRANDMOTHER

483. YELLED HONKER SCHLEMMER WHENEVER

484. SHE ORGASMED.

485. DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

486. YES, IT SEEMS FRIVOLOUS AND

487. FUNNY AND OOH, I'M BEING DIRTY

488. BUT I'D TAKEN SOME AMBIEN.

489. WELL, THANK YOU FOR

490. COMMITTING TO THE BIT.

491. IT'S GREAT.

492. JUST BE HAPPY YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S

493. DEAD.

494. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WHENEVER

495. YOUR GRANDMOTHER ORGASMED WITH

496. ME SHE ALWAYS YELLED BROOKSTONE.

497. GUYS, THANK YOU SO

498. MUCH FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

499. CATCH PATTON LIVE AND NICK ON

500. THE KROLL SHOW WEDNESDAYS AT

501. 10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

502. 10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.

503. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.

504. THANKS TO NICK

505. KROLL AND PAT AND OSWALT AND

506. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND AT

507. TC.COM/JESELNIK AND FIRST LET'S

508. LOOK BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS

509. FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.

510. HEY?

511. YEAH, ANTHONY.

512. WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT A

513. BULLY GAY TEEN ON SUICIDE WATCH?

514. I DON'T KNOW, ANTHONY.

515. NO NOOSE IS GOOD

516. NOOSE.

517. HEY, RICK.

518. YEAH, ANTHONY.

519. WHY DIDN'T

520. CHRISTINA GET AN APORTION?

521. TO MAKE A BIG SPLASH AT PROM?

522. LIKE IN THE TOILET?

523. YOU GOT IT.

524. THAT'S A LOOK AT THIS SPRING'S

525. HOTTEST DILDOS.

526. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

527. YEAH!

528. YEAH!

529. NEVER FORGET, GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.

530. GO READ A BOOK.

531. IT'S LIKE A FULL

532. DILDO ROTATION.

533. IT'S A TRIPLE-X VERSION OF

534. INCEPTION.

535. YEAH.

536. NO, I THINK IT'S DOING THE

537. DOUGIE.