1. THANK YOU.
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2. THANK YOU.
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3. THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.
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4. THANK YOU.
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5. THANK YOU AND
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6. WELCOME TO THE JESELNIK
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7. OFFENSIVE I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.
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8. HOW KIDS DOING TONIGHT?
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9. FANTASTIC.
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10. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PERFECT SHOW
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11. FOUR TONIGHT.
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12. MY FRIENDS PAT AND OSWALT AND
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13. NICK KROLL ARE HERE.
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14. THEY'RE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR
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15. VOICE WORK AND ONCE YOU SEE THEM
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16. LATER ON YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
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17. EXACTLY WHY.
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18. NOW THIS IS CRAZY.
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19. A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA ATTACKED
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20. HER BOYFRIEND AND ASSAULTED HIS
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21. MOTHER AND SMASHED HIS
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22. TELEVISION AFTER SHE CAUGHT HIM
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23. MASTURBATING IN THE SHOWER.
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24. WHICH COULD SOUND LIKE AN
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25. OVERREACTION BUT IT WAS A BABY
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26. SHOWER.
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27. WE'VE ALL DONE
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28. THAT.
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29. TASTE THE RAINBOW FOR THE FIRST
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30. TIME EVER, GAY SOLDIERS AND
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31. THEIR PARTNERS WILL BE BURIED
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32. TOGETHER IN ARLINGTON NATIONAL
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33. CEMETERY.
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34. BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED YOU
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35. SHOULD KNOW IT'S WHILE THEIR
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36. STILL ALIVE.
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37. LAST WEEK, COUNTRY
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38. SINGER MINDY McCREEDY SHOT HER
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39. DOG AND THEN HERSELF IN WHAT
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40. POLICE ARE CALLING A HORRIBLE
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41. TRAGEDY FOLLOWED BY A SUICIDE.
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42. HERE'S A FUN FACT.
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43. ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE
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44. LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR
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45. CHILDREN IN AMERICA IS
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46. ACCIDENTS.
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47. COMING IN A CLOSE SECOND,
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48. EXCELLENTS.
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49. — ACCIDENTS.
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50. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4
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51. POLICE ARE LOOK FOR A MALE MAN
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52. WHO'S BEEN THROWING SEMEN TO
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53. FEMALE SHOPPERS AT WAL-MART.
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54. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEY CAN NOW
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55. BE 1/16th.
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56. THEY CAN GET INTO COLLEGE AND
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57. NOW NEWTOWN SHOOTER, ADAM LANZA
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58. MAY HAVE BEEN TRYING OUTDO THE
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59. DEATH TOLL OF BREVIK.
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60. IT WAS 77-67.
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61. TALK ABOUT A MASSACRE.
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62. LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.
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63. X-PORN STAR SCARLETT ROUGE HAS
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64. BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDERING HER
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65. BOYFRIEND.
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66. DETECTIVES DON'T HAVE MUCH TO GO
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67. ON BUT BELIEVE THE NAME OF THE
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68. FIRST PET WAS SCARLETT AND SHE
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69. GREW UP ON ROUGE ROAD.
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70. EVERYBODY BOW DOWN TO THE ROW IN
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71. GEORGIA A DEATH MATE WITH AN
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72. I.Q. OF 70 WAS GRANTED A STAY
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73. AFTER THE JUDGE THOUGHT IT WOULD
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74. BE IRRESPONSIBLE TO EXECUTE THE
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75. SMARTEST PERSON IN GEORGIA AND
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76. FINALLY ALBINO RHINO BEER HAS
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77. HAS A COMPLAINT FILED AGAINST
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78. IT.
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79. THAT WAS A GREAT MONOLOGUE.
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80. LET'S SEE WHAT THE CRITICS ARE
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81. SAYING.
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82. KIDS, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLACK
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83. HISTORY MONTH.
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84. YOU'RE ASKING ME, ANTHONY, WHAT
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85. CAN YOU POSSIBLY TELL US ABOUT
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86. BLACK PEOPLE.
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87. NOTHING.
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88. I'M GOING TO LET YOU KIDS TELL
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89. ME WITH OUR VERY FIRST JESELNIK
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90. OFFENSIVE BLACK NAME SPELLING
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91. BEE.
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92. LET'S SEE WHAT OUR
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93. CONTESTANTS WILL BE PLAYING FOR
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94. TONIGHT.
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95. BEFORE WE PICKED
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96. PEOPLE FROM THE AUDIENCE AND
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97. LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT
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98. COME ON UP HERE.
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99. HOW YOU DOING?
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100. GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
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101. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
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102. CASSIE.
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103. WHAT DO YOU DO.
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104. I'M A SCREEN WRITING STUDENT.
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105. OH, MY GOD.
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106. WHAT KIND OF WAITRESS DO YOU
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107. WANT TO BE?
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108. MAYBE DENNY'S.
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109. MAYBE DENNY'S?
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110. I AIM LOW TO BE HIGH.
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111. YEAH, WELL YOU'RE
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112. TRYING TO BE A SCREEN WRITER SO
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113. YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT AIMING LOW.
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114. YES, I DO.
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115. READY, CASSIE.
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116. HERE'S THE NAME OF AN ACTUAL
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117. BLACK PERSON AND YOU SPELL IT
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118. FIRST.
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119. IT SHOULD BE EASY UNLESS YOUR
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120. RACIST.
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121. OKAY.
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122. CASSIE, YOUR NAME IS QUVENZHANE.
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123. AS IN THE STAR OF "BEASTS OF THE
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124. SOUTHERN WILD."
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125. HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
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126. NO.
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127. ME EITHER.
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128. GO AHEAD.
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129. Q-U-V-A-N-Z-A.
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130. OH, SORRY, CASSIE,
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131. I WAS LOOKING FOR QUVENZHANE
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132. WITH THE EGU AT THE END.
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133. VOYEUR
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134. SORRY, CASSIE.
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135. YOU'RE A RACIST PILE OF GARBAGE.
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136. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.
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137. GOOD, MAN.
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138. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
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139. MORGAN.
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140. GREAT SPORT FOR
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141. BEING UP HERE.
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142. WHAT DO YOU DO?
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143. HOST AT A RESTAURANT?
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144. WHAT RESTAURANT?
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145. SADDLE RANCH ON SUN SET.
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146. OH, MY GOD HAVE YOU
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147. EVER HAD TO THROW YOURSELF OUT
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148. OF SADDLE RANCH?
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149. NO.
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150. OKAY.
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151. MORGAN I THINK YOU'LL DO WELL
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152. WITH THIS.
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153. YOUR NAME IS DANTE.
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154. THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT
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155. DANTE HIGHTOWER.
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156. ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU SPELL
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157. DANTE?
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158. D-O-N-T-A.
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159. OH, MY GOD.
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160. D-O-N-T-A
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161. D-O-N-T-A.
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162. WOW, NO ONE SAW THAT COMING ARE
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163. YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?
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164. YEAH.
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165. OKAY THAT'S WHAT
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166. HAPPENED.
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167. IT'S NOT A BLACK THING.
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168. IT'S A FOOTBALL THING.
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169. ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
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170. BRING IT BACK OUT AT THE END FOR
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171. EXTRA CREDIT.
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172. GIVE IT UP FOR DONTA.
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173. HOW YOU DOING?
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174. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
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175. MIKA.
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176. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR
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177. A LIVING?
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178. STUDYING TO BECOME A RABBI.
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179. YOU KNOW HOW TO
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180. SPELL ALL KINDS OF WHACKY
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181. THINGS.
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182. YEAH, CRAZY THINGS.
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183. ALL RIGHT, MIKA,
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184. YOU'RE GOING SPELL THE NAME
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185. YUSENA.
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186. AS IN AUTHORITIES IDENTIFIED THE
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187. SUSPECT AS YUSENA.
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188. Y-E-S-H-A.
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189. Y-E-S-S-E-H-N-A.
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190. IT'S HENCE HENNESSEY BACKWARDS.
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191. THANK YOU, THAT WAS GREAT.
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192. LET'S BRING MORGAN BACK OUT
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193. HERE.
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194. MORGAN IS OUR WINNER.
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195. HAPPY FEBRUARY.
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196. I HOPE ALL OUR CONTESTANTS
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197. LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SPELLING
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198. AND THEMSELVES.
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199. BACK WITH PAT OS OSWALT AND NICK
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200. KROLL AND MAYBE MINDY.
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201. WELCOME BACK TO THE
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202. JESS
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203. JESELNIK OFFENSIVE.
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204. HERE'S A VIDEO WE CALL 9-11
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205. BABIES.
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206. HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
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207. HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
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208. HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
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209. WHOOSH.
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210. I'LL FEED YOU IN ABOUT 20
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211. MINUTES.
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212. WHO SAYS I CAN'T
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213. TAKE DIRECTION.
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214. NOW WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU PANEL,
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215. MAKE PANELADE.
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216. POLICE WELCOME CHARLIZE THERON
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217. AND STARS ON JUSTIFIED THE GREAT
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218. PAT AND OSWALT.
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219. YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE LEAGUE ON
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220. FX AND NOW HIS VERY OWN SHOW ON
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221. COMEDY CENTRAL, KROLL SHOW, NICK
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222. KROLL.
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223. NOW DO I THIS RIGHT, YOU WERE
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224. NAMED AFTER THE GUY WHO DID THE
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225. VOICE OF RATOUILLE?
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226. I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.
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227. PAT AND OSWALT IS MY STAGE NAME
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228. SO IT'S NOT MY ACTUAL REAL NAME.
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229. WHAT'S YOUR REAL
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230. NAME?
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231. NICHOLAS KROLL.
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232. NICK, NOT A LOT OF
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233. PEOPLE KNOW THIS BUT YOU'RE LIKE
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234. A STRAIGHT-EDGE GUY, NO BOOZE,
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235. NO DRUGS.
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236. BASICALLY.
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237. I SMOKE A LITTLE BIT OF POT
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238. CONSTANTLY.
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239. I STILL CALL THAT
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240. STRAIGHT EDGE.
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241. OKAY.
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242. LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT WITH THE
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243. BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.
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244. OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES
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245. THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.
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246. ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, KILL YOUR
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247. GIRLFRIEND.
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248. SOUTH AFRICAN SPRINTER AND
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249. DOUBLE AMPUTEE OSCAR PISTORIUS
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250. HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH
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251. PREMEDICATED MURDER AFTER
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252. ALLEGEDLY SHOOTING AND CRICKET
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253. BATTING HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DEATH.
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254. IS THAT THE SOUTH AFRICAN
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255. NATIONAL ANTHEM?
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256. IT COULD BE.
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257. I THINK THAT'S THE INTERSTICI
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258. INTERSTICIAL STUFF ON LAW AND
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259. ORDER.
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260. LOOK HOW HOT THIS
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261. GIRL USED TO BE.
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262. I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SAY
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263. HE COULD MURDER HIS GIRLFRIEND
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264. LIKE JUST ANY ABLE-BODIED
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265. ATHLETE.
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266. AND ALSO THE FACT THE CRICKET
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267. BAT — WHICH, I DON'T KNOW, DID
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268. YOU READ THE POLICE REPORT ABOUT
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269. IT?
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270. COURSE.
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271. THE INVESTORS ARE DESCRIBING
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272. THE USE OF THE CRICKET BAT TO
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273. KILL THE GIRLFRIEND AS THE MOST
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274. INTERESTING THING EVER DONE WITH
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275. A CRICKET BAD.
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276. THAT'S TRUE.
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277. IN HIS DEFENSE, HE
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278. HEARD A GUNSHOT AND HE'S A
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279. SPRINTER.
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280. HE THOUGHT A RACE WAS BEGINNING.
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281. JUST HAPPENS THIS RACE WAS YOU
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282. KNOW ABOUT WHO COULD KILL THEIR
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283. GIRLFRIEND FASTER.
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284. I THINK IT'S INTERESTING HE
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285. SHOT HER THROUGH A BATHROOM DOOR
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286. WHICH SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IN HIS
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287. DEFENSE WOMEN DO TAKE FOREVER IN
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288. THE BATHROOM.
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289. WHO HASN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
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290. I'M SURPRISED HE
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291. ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE
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292. SHE CLEARLY SEEMED LIKE SHE WORE
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293. THE PANTS.
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294. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK THEY WERE
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295. ARGUING ABOUT AT THE TIME?
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296. WELL, LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO
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297. JUDGE A GUY UNTIL I'VE WALKED A
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298. MILE IN HIS SHOES BUT —
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299. MAYBE LIKE OH, YOU'RE LEGS
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300. TEAR UP OUR SHEETS WHEN WE DO IT
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301. DOGGY STYLE.
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302. JUST THE NORMAL STUFF.
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303. I THINK RELATIONSHIPS HAVE
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304. UPS AND DOWNS AND IN HIS DEFENSE
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305. HE NEVER LIKED SHE WAS PROTENT
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306. TO BE A ROBBER AND HIDE IN THE
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307. BATHROOM SCREAMING DON'T SHOOT
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308. ME.
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309. I BET THEY WERE ARGUING
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310. ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HIS
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311. EXPLOSIVE TEMPER.
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312. MAYBE THAT HAD
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313. SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
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314. THAT'S A GOOD THING TO PICK A
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315. FIGHT OVER.
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316. I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD
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317. KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS.
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318. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS STORY HAS
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319. LEGS.
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320. BUT DON'T FORGET
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321. ALSO THAT ANYONE WHO GOES TO
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322. PRISON IN SOUTH AFRICA
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323. EVENTUALLY GETTO BE PRESIDENT.
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324. THAT'S TRUE.
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325. UP NEXT IS THE
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326. WORSE, WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.
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327. A TERRIBLE STORY JUST LIKE THE
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328. LAST ONE ONLY WORSE.
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329. MIND IF I CUT IN?
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330. DURING A THREESOME BETWEEN TWO
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331. MEN AND A WOMAN, ONE GUY STABBED
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332. THE OTHER GUY OVER REFUSING TO
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333. SWITCH POSITIONS.
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334. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
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335. WHENEVER YOU BRING A KNIFE TO A
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336. SWORD FIGHT.
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337. WOW.
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338. IT'S WEIRD.
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339. IT'S JUST ODD YOU BRING THE
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340. STORY UP BECAUSE MY SAFE WORD IS
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341. I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON'T
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342. SWITCH VAGINAS.
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343. THAT'S ODD SO — KIND OF HITS
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344. CLOSE TO HOME.
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345. I KNOW THAT IS A
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346. FACT.
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347. WHAT I'VE TAKEN AWAY FROM THE
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348. STORY IS THIS LITTLE PRINCESS IS
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349. IS SINGLE.
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350. AND VERY ADVENTUROUS.
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351. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE
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352. TO JUMP ON IT NO MATTER WHAT.
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353. YOU GUYS SAID SOMETHING
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354. INTERESTING.
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355. I WANT TO YOU DO AN IMPROV GAME
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356. LIKE IMPROV ONLY FUN TO WATCH.
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357. LET'S SAY YOU GUYS ARE IN A
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358. THREE-WAY WITH A GIRL AND PAT
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359. YOU NEED NICK TO SWITCH PLACES
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360. WITH YOU AND CONVINCE HIM LIKE A
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361. GENTLEMAN WITHOUT VIOLENCE.
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362. WOW, YOU'RE REALLY DIGGING
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363. SOME TUNNELS HERE.
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364. GOING GOOD.
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365. MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.
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366. I'M ALSO LIKE, SHE'S LOOKING
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367. VERY HAPPY I THINK IT'S TIME TO
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368. MAYBE — SHE'S GIVING ME THE
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369. HIGH-FIVE.
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370. I DON'T KNOW I THINK I'M GOING
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371. STICK AT IT WHERE I AM.
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372. THIS IS THE HOLE I WANT.
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373. YOU PULL OUT AND I THRUST —
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374. OOH, YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY.
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375. GOING FULL CHAP NOW.
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376. OH, YEAH.
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377. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT
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378. NOW.
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379. I TALKED ABOUT IT EARLIER.
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380. I JUST — DUDE, I'M GOING TO
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381. START CRYING.
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382. YOU CRY.
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383. REMEMBER IT'S NOT
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384. THE JOURNEY, IT'S THE PANEL.
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385. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
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386. PANEL.
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387. WELCOME BACK.
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388. MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME AND
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389. IT'S P-A-N-E-L AND WE TALK ABOUT
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390. A PRODUCT YOU CAN STEAL AND THE
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391. MAKERS OF THE ALCOHOLIC ENERGY
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392. DRINK HAVE AGREED TO GIVE IT A
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393. NEW DESCRIPTIVE LABEL.
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394. SOMETHING TO READ IN THE BACK OF
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395. A SQUAD CAR.
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396. SORRY, WAIT A MINUTE.
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397. IF I REMEMBER THIS CORRECTLY —
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398. TAKE YOUR TIME.
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399. A 23-OUNCE CHANCE IS THE
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400. EQUIVALENT OF FIVE BEERS BUT LET
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401. YOUR SOMALIER TELL YOU THAT.
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402. IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE LIKE
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403. PUTTING REGULATIONS ON AND NEXT
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404. THING YOU KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE
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405. AWAY HAND GUNS.
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406. I'M GLAD THEY'RE PUTTING
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407. CLEAR MARKINGS ON THEIR CANS
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408. BECAUSE FOUR LOCO DRINKERS ARE
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409. CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THEY PUT IN
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410. THEIR BODIES.
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411. SO IT'S GOOD AND ALSO THERE'S
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412. NOTHING GOING TO WARN THEM
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413. BETTER THAN A LOT OF STUFF TO
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414. READ.
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415. THAT'S REALLY GOING HELP.
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416. BIG READERS.
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417. WHAT DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE ON
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418. THE LABEL?
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419. I THINK THE NEW CARTOON
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420. MASCOT WOULD BE A LITTLE
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421. DEFORMED FETUS GOING SEE YOU IN
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422. FOUR MONTHS.
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423. THAT'S GOOD.
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424. I LIKE THAT.
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425. I THINK SOMETHING LIKE DON'T
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426. DRINK AND DRIVE YOUR DODGE NEON.
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427. THAT'S GOOD.
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428. I THINK WHAT ABOUT LIKE
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429. INCARCERATION FOR DATE RAPE
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430. COULD BE CLOSER THAN IT APPEARS.
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431. NICE.
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432. HOW ABOUT MAY CAUSE FULL BUSEY.
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433. YOU HAVE GOOD
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434. IDEAS.
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435. I THINK WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE
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436. FOR LOCO FANS IS THE CAMOUFLAGE
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437. LOOK SO WHEN YOU'RE HUNTING IT'S
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438. SAFE.
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439. THEY KNOW FOR LOCO DRINKERS
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440. TEND TO WANDER OFF TO THE WOODS.
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441. GENERALLY HUNTING FOR A GED.
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442. THAT IS GREAT.
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443. DID YOU NOTICE IN THEIR
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444. PRODUCT PHOTO ONE OF THE FOUR
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445. LOCOS IS PASSED OUT?
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446. OKAY.
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447. TIME TO CLOSE THE GARAGE AND
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448. TURN ON THE CAR.
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449. IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.
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450. YOU TWEETED IT AND I'M GOING
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451. READ IT AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT
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452. IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.
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453. NICK, ON FEBRUARY 18 YOU TWEETED
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454. I WANT TO OPEN A STORE CALLED
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455. HEADPHONE, PRINTER CARTRIDGES
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456. AND ADOBE FILE UPDATER TO BURN
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457. IT TO THE GROUND.
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458. NICK, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.
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459. FIRST, I'M A HUGE FAN OF
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460. ARSON.
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461. THAT MAKES SENSE.
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462. NO, BUT I MEAN, COME ON.
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463. PRINTER CARTRIDGES.
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464. WHAT'S THE DEAL?
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465. WELL PLAYED, MR.
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466. KROLL.
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467. WAS THAT A DEFENSE OR
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468. DEFLECTION.
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469. IT WAS THE DEFENSE
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470. NICK KROLL COULD POSSIBLY HAVE.
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471. THE JOKE WAS IN THE BATHROOM.
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472. I THINK A LOT OF
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473. THINGS YOU DO ARE IN THE
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474. BATHROOM.
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475. WAS THAT A TOILET TWEET?
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476. A PISTORIUS TWEET.
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477. I'M GOING HAVE TO
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478. CUT YOU OFF AT THE LEG THERE'S.
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479. MOVING ON TO YOU, JANUARY 13 YOU
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480. TWEETED COULDN'T GET HER TO
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481. ADMIT IT ON HER DEATH BED BUT
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482. I'M 100% CERTAIN MY GRANDMOTHER
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483. YELLED HONKER SCHLEMMER WHENEVER
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484. SHE ORGASMED.
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485. DEFEND YOUR TWEET.
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486. YES, IT SEEMS FRIVOLOUS AND
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487. FUNNY AND OOH, I'M BEING DIRTY
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488. BUT I'D TAKEN SOME AMBIEN.
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489. WELL, THANK YOU FOR
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490. COMMITTING TO THE BIT.
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491. IT'S GREAT.
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492. JUST BE HAPPY YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S
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493. DEAD.
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494. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WHENEVER
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495. YOUR GRANDMOTHER ORGASMED WITH
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496. ME SHE ALWAYS YELLED BROOKSTONE.
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497. GUYS, THANK YOU SO
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498. MUCH FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.
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499. CATCH PATTON LIVE AND NICK ON
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500. THE KROLL SHOW WEDNESDAYS AT
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501. 10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
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502. 10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.
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503. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.
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504. THANKS TO NICK
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505. KROLL AND PAT AND OSWALT AND
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506. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND AT
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507. TC.COM/JESELNIK AND FIRST LET'S
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508. LOOK BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS
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509. FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.
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510. HEY?
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511. YEAH, ANTHONY.
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512. WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT A
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513. BULLY GAY TEEN ON SUICIDE WATCH?
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514. I DON'T KNOW, ANTHONY.
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515. NO NOOSE IS GOOD
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516. NOOSE.
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517. HEY, RICK.
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518. YEAH, ANTHONY.
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519. WHY DIDN'T
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520. CHRISTINA GET AN APORTION?
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521. TO MAKE A BIG SPLASH AT PROM?
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522. LIKE IN THE TOILET?
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523. YOU GOT IT.
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524. THAT'S A LOOK AT THIS SPRING'S
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525. HOTTEST DILDOS.
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526. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
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527. YEAH!
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528. YEAH!
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529. NEVER FORGET, GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.
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530. GO READ A BOOK.
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531. IT'S LIKE A FULL
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532. DILDO ROTATION.
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533. IT'S A TRIPLE-X VERSION OF
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534. INCEPTION.
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535. YEAH.
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536. NO, I THINK IT'S DOING THE
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537. DOUGIE.
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