The Jeselnik Offensive 1x10

Directed by

Jim Norton as Self • Kumail Nanjiani as Self

Justin Bieber makes a Holocaust gaffe, a suspected murderer gets into the art business, and Kumail and Reggie defend their tweets.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. THANK YOU.

2. THANK YOU, WELCOME TO THE

3. "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE."

4. I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.

5. HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

6. FANTASTIC.

7. WE HAVE A PERFECT SEASON FINALE

8. FOR YOU.

9. REGGIE WATSON AND KUMAE IS HERE.

10. FIRST, A LOT OF BAD THINGS

11. HAPPENED THIS WEEK AND THAT'S

12. WHY HAVE YOU TO STRETCH FIRST.

13. YOU CAN DO IT, WE CAN HELP.

14. LAST WEEK A CRAZED MAN TRIED TO

15. CUT OFF HIS ARMS BY SAWING THEM

16. BOTH DOWN TO THE BONE IN A

17. CALIFORNIA HOME DEPOT.

18. THE ACTUALLY DIDN'T WANT TO CUT

19. OFF HIS SECOND ARM BUT HAVE YOU

20. EVER TRIED TO GET SOMEONE TO

21. HELP YOU IN A HOME DEPOT?

22. WINTER'S COMING.

23. SEAN PARKER HAS REPORTEDLY SPENT

24. $9 MILLION ON A

25. GAME-THRONES-THEMED WEDDING WITH

26. A MILLION DOLLAR DANCE FLOOR AND

27. SEX WITH HIS SISTER.

28. A CARNIVAL RIDE OPERATOR SPANKED

29. A GIRL'S BOTTOM ON SHE RIDE AND

30. WORSE IT WAS THE CARNIVAL RIGHT

31. OPERATOR.

32. WHAT'S YOUR PLAN B?

33. BARBARA JEANNE WILKE DIED LAST

34. WEEK AT THE AGE OF 90.

35. IRONICALLY SHE DIED WHILE

36. VACUUMING.

37. MARCO.

38. POLO.

39. IN NEW YORK LAST

40. WEEK A YOUNG BROTHER AND SISTER

41. REPORTED MISSING WERE LATER

42. FOUND DROWNED IN A NEIGHBOR'S

43. ABOVE-GROUND POOL.

44. RESIDENTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

45. ARE CALLING IT THE UNOFFICIAL

46. START OF SUMMER.

47. NOW EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT

48. THIS ONE.

49. LAST WEEK WAS THE WNBA DRAFT, AM

50. I RIGHT?

51. THE TOP AMATEUR FEMALE

52. BASKETBALL PLAYERS IN THE

53. COUNTRY FOUND OUT WHO'S GOING

54. PRO AND WHO'S GOING TO BE THE

55. TALL HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER.

56. AND FINALLY, VEGEMITE.

57. AN AUSTRALIAN MAN PINNED UNDER A

58. CAR FOR FOUR DAYS WAS KEPT

59. COMPANY BY HIS LOYAL DOG WHO

60. DIDN'T LEAVE HIS SIDE THE ENTIRE

61. TIME.

62. DESPITE FOUR DAYS OF HEARING GO

63. GET HELP YOU PIECE OF.

64. THAT WAS A GREAT MONOLOGUE.

65. THANK YOU.

66. A NEW STUDY FROM DUKE UNIVERSITY

67. SHOWS THERE'S A LINK BETWEEN

68. CHILDHOOD BULLYING AND

69. PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS LATER IN

70. LIFE.

71. WAS DONE BY TRACKING BULLIES

72. FROM ADOLESCENT TO ADULTHOOD AND

73. CLEARLY BULLYING IS A SENSITIVE

74. TOPIC AND WHEN IT'S TOO

75. SENSITIVE TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT

76. WE MAKE A BUNCH OF JOKES IN THE

77. SEGMENT WE CALL SACRED COW.

78. THIS WEEK WE CHOSE BULLYING.

79. NOW BULLYING IS SUCH A SENSITIVE

80. TOPIC I NEEDED HELP THIS WEEK

81. AND WHO BETTER TO LEND A HAND

82. BETTER THAN THE MOST GENTLE

83. SOLVE ALL, NORTON.

84. WE SAT DOWN WITH A BULLY AND

85. TRIED TO GET HIM TO CHANGE HIS

86. WAYS BY THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW

87. HOW.

88. BY BEING DICKS.

89. YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

90. YEAH.

91. YOU'RE A BULLY.

92. DO YOU GET IN TROUBLE?

93. YEAH.

94. WHAT'S THE

95. PUNISHMENT.

96. SUSPENSION.

97. IT HAPPENS A LOT.

98. WANT US TO HELP YOU

99. STOP IT?

100. YEAH.

101. YOU HAVE A COUPLE

102. MORE YEARS TO GET OUT OF SCHOOL

103. SO WE WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN

104. CONTROL YOURSELF RIGHT NOW.

105. WE'RE GOING TO BRING IN

106. PATHETIC EASY TARGETS AND SEE

107. HOW WELL YOU CAN CONTROL

108. YOURSELF.

109. LET'S HAVE OUR

110. FIRST NERD COME ON IN HERE.

111. YOU DON'T LOOK AT HER AND JUST

112. WANT TO SAY MARCHING BAND, HUH?

113. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN JOGGING BAND.

114. YOU DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE

115. FUN TO YELL, HEY LOOK, A FAT

116. GIRL WITH A POPCORN BUCKET ON

117. HER HEAD.

118. HOW ABOUT DO YOU

119. PLAY SCALES OR JUST CRUSH THEM.

120. YOU'RE NOT TEMPTED TO SAY IF

121. YOU LOSE TEN POUNDS BLACK GUYS

122. WILL LIKE YOU.

123. NEXT.

124. SAY LOOK, IT'S SHARON OSBORNE

125. IN 1991.

126. HOW ABOUT HEY LOOK,

127. THAT'S THE CURE.

128. TEEN PREGNANCY.

129. DON'T FEEL BAD IF NONE OF THE

130. GIRLS IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BANG

131. YOU THERE'S ALWAYS COMICON.

132. LOOK THAT THE NERD.

133. YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY YOU

134. WANT TO WHATEVER YOU WANT EXCEPT

135. A MODEL OR GOOD DRIVER.

136. I CAN TELL YOUR A

137. THREE.

138. OR CHEER UP IN A FEW YEARS

139. YOUR MOTHER WILL SHOW YOU WHAT

140. TO DO WITH A PING BONG BALL.

141. OR CONGRATULATIONS

142. FOR NOT BEING DROWNED AT BIRTH.

143. THAT DOESN'T APPEAL TO YOU?

144. NO.

145. WHAT HE HAD YOU

146. LEARN?

147. YOUR SHOW SUCKS.

148. WHAT WAS THAT?

149. YOU KNOW WHAT IT

150. WAS.

151. WE'LL RIGHT BACK

152. WE'LL RIGHT BACK WITH REGGIE WATTS AND CAMILLE.

153. WITH REGGIE WATTS AND CAMILLE.

154. WELCOME BACK TO THE

155. "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE."

156. KIDS, LATELY A LOT OF PEOPLE

157. HAVE BEEN ASKING ME A PENNY FOR

158. YOUR THOUGHTS.

159. KEEP YOUR FILTHY PENNY.

160. IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST ANNUAL

161. TOP THREE THINGS WE CAN'T TALK

162. ABOUT AT ALL FOR A NUMBER OF

163. REASONS THAT MADE CLEAR TO US

164. REPEATEDLY.

165. FIRST UP, NUMBER THREE.

166. I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS BUT

167. IT IS THE THIRD WORSE THING IN

168. THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

169. AND IF I EVEN HINTED AT WHAT IT

170. MIGHT BE SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU

171. WOULD LOSE YOUR MOTHER-LOVING

172. MARBLES AND THAT BRINGS US TO

173. NOT REVEALING EVEN A SINGLE

174. DETAIL OF NUMBER TWO.

175. NO SURPRISE HERE.

176. NUMBER TWO COMES IN SECOND ON

177. THE TOP THREE THINGS WE CAN'T

178. TALK ABOUT FOR A NUMBER OF

179. REASONS THAT HAVE BEEN MADE

180. CLEAR TO US REPEATEDLY.

181. AGAIN, NUMBER TWO IS PRETTY

182. UPSETTING.

183. IF I EVEN SPOKE ITS NAME ALOUD

184. YOU MAY THINK SOMETHING BAD AND

185. WE WANT TO AVOID THAT BECAUSE

186. YEAR IN THE GODDAMN COMEDY

187. BUSINESS AND THE TOP THING WE

188. CAN'T TALK ABOUT AT ALL SO

189. TERRIBLE I'VE ASKED IT'S BEEN

190. CENSORED SO BRACE YOURSELF FOR

191. NUMBER.

192. NOW, HOW DOES EVERYBODY FEEL?

193. ME TOO.

194. AND NOW I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I

195. LIKE MY PANEL, PANEL.

196. IT'S TIME FOR PANEL.

197. PLEASE WELCOME FROM E'S BURNING

198. LOVE, CAMILLE ASIANAI AND FROM

199. COMEDY BANG-BANG AND COMEDY

200. CENTRAL'S ALIVE AT CENTRAL PARK

201. IT'S REGGIE WATTS.

202. NOW, YOU'RE ON FRANKLYN FRANKLIN AND BASH

203. WHAT'S IT LIKE

204. WORKING WITH SAVED BY THE BELL'S

205. ZACH MORRIS.

206. HE'S LIKE SO BEAUTIFUL.

207. LIKE, HE'S GOT LIKE ABS TO HIS

208. NECK.

209. I'M NOT GAY BUT IF YOU SEE A

210. UNICORN YOU WANT TO RIDE IT.

211. IT MAKES PERFECT

212. SENSE.

213. REGGIE, IS IT TRUE YOU HAD AN

214. ENCOUNTER WITH UFOs.

215. YEAH, I'M FROM MONTANA SO

216. IT'S WON OF THE BEST STATES FOR

217. UFOs.

218. I HAD A GREAT ONE.

219. HAD ROBITUSIN.

220. I THINK IT'S MISTAKE TO BE

221. SOBER FOR ANYTHING.

222. NOW LET'S GET INTO IT WITH THE

223. NOW LET'S GET INTO IT WITH THE BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK

224. BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK

225. OF ALL THE NEWS STORIES THIS IS

226. MY FAVORITE.

227. BABY, OY.

228. JUSTIN BEIBER CAUSED A STIR WHEN

229. HE VISITED THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE

230. IN AMSTERDAM AND WROTE HE HOPED

231. ANNE WOULD HAVE BEEN A BEIBER.

232. HE HAS A KINSHIP WITH ANNE

233. FRANK BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH

234. DISCOVERED AT A YOUNG AGE.

235. I THINK IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF

236. THE WORSE OFFENSES BECAUSE ONLY

237. GET TO HEAR THE FIRST PART AND

238. AFTER HE SAID I WANT TO GO TO

239. CAMP WITH HER IF I COULD.

240. IT'S ALL GOING TO SEEM SO

241. INSIGNIFICANT WHEN HE KILLS HIS

242. FIRST HOOKER.

243. WE'LL LOOK BACK AT LAUGH.

244. WE'LL BE LIKE REMEMBER WHEN

245. HE JUST DISSED ON THE HOLOCAUST.

246. YOU'RE MOVE, AMANDA BYNES.

247. WITH ANNE FRANK IT'S TOO LATE

248. FOR DEATH THREATS.

249. IT'S AN INTERESTING THING

250. BECAUSE JUSTIN BEIBER SUFFERS A

251. RARE CONDITION.

252. HE CANNOT FIND SECRET PASSAGE

253. WAYS AT ALL.

254. WHAT'S THAT CALLED?

255. NON-PASSWAY DISPEPSIA.

256. WE'RE ALL GIVING HIM GRIEF

257. ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST BUT WHO YOU

258. WHO ELSE TALKED ABOUT IT?

259. ANNE FRANK.

260. JUST 999,999 OTHER JEWS WITH

261. HORRIBLE LIVES AND THEY'RE NOT

262. BLOG BEING.

263. THEY NEVER BRING IT

264. UP.

265. BEIBER'S ON A WORLD TOUR RIGHT

266. NOW.

267. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL SAY IN

268. THE GUEST BOOKS AT OTHER

269. DIFFERENT TRAGEDIES AROUND THE

270. WORLD?

271. I THINK AT THE STATUE OF

272. LIBERTY HE'LL SAY LIKE I WAS SO

273. GLAD TO BE ALL UP IN YOUR

274. FREEDOM.

275. IS THAT WHAT JUSTIN

276. BEIBER SOUNDS LIKE?

277. YEAH, LOOK AT HIM.

278. LOOK AT HIS LIPS AND

279. EVERYTHING.

280. THAT'S THE WAY HE TALKS.

281. I THINK IT WOULD BE

282. COOL IF HE WENT DO DO GET DO DO GETTIES GETTIESBURG.

283. I THINK HE WAS LIKE I DATED

284. SELENA GOMEZ SO WE NOW BOTH

285. DON'T TRUST MEXICANS.

286. WE MAKE FUN OF A

287. PRODUCT NEW AND UNFAMILIAR TO

288. US.

289. YEAH, WEAR THAT BITCH OUT.

290. SOME JAPANESE STUDENTS CREATED A

291. GIRLFRIEND COAT WHICH HUGS YOU

292. AND WHISPERS IN YOUR EAR LIKE A

293. REAL GIRLFRIEND OR SO THEY'VE

294. BEEN TOLD.

295. I LIKE THE BLACK GIRL LIKE

296. HE'S GOING FOR A MENAGE ATROIS.

297. WHAT DOES IT

298. ACTUALLY WHISPER?

299. LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYONE AT

300. THIS PARTY.

301. I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER

302. COATS.

303. THIS COAT MAKE ME

304. LOOK COAT?

305. IT HOLDS YOU TIGHT LIKE A

306. GIRL.

307. NO, THANKS.

308. I'LL WAIT FOR THE PANTS.

309. HOW DO YOU LET THEM

310. HANG LIKE THAT?

311. HEY, UM —

312. THE COAT'S REVERSIBLE SO WHEN

313. DO YOU THAT SHE TURNS INTO A

314. LESBIAN AND STARTS HUGGING OTHER

315. COATS.

316. AND UTILITY POCKETS.

317. DO YOU THINK IT'S USED TO HIT

318. HIS PORN IS LOOKING AT L.L. BEAN

319. CATALOGS.

320. PETER PANEL PICKED

321. A PANEL OF PANEL HOW MANY PANELS

322. DID PETER PANEL PICK.

323. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

324. PANEL.

325. WELCOME BACK.

326. I'M ON A SEE PANEL DIET.

327. I SEE PANEL AND I PANEL.

328. IT'S MORE PANEL.

329. NOW FOR THE SEGMENT CULTURE

330. CLUBBING.

331. MURDER SUSPECT JODY ARIAS IS

332. SELLING ORIGINAL ARTWORK TO

333. COVER EXPENSES AND HER BOYFRIEND

334. DIED OF A GUNSHOT TO THE HEAD.

335. CRITICS BE KIND.

336. SHE'S LIKE I'VE MADE SOME

337. MISTAKES.

338. HER CRIME WAS SO

339. VIOLENT BUT HER ARTWORK IS

340. SUBTLE.

341. HER BOYFRIEND SAW HER

342. PAINTING AND ME WAS LIKE, KILL

343. ME NOW.

344. SHE CONSIDERED THIS BAROQUE

345. ART BECAUSE SHE'S BA-BA-ROKE AND

346. NEEDS MONEY.

347. BLASTED.

348. IT'S NOT BAD BUT IT'S NOT

349. SOMETHING YOU'D NAIL LIKE A WALL

350. LIKE YOU WOULD A BOYFRIEND, FOR

351. INSTANCE.

352. THAT'S VERY TRUE.

353. ACCORDING TO A CORNER SHE

354. ALSO DOES NUDES.

355. AT FIRST SHE CLAIMED THE

356. PAINTING WAS DONE BY TWO MASKED

357. INTRUDERS.

358. ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

359. NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME,

360. GREAT ARTIST OR TERRIBLE PERSON.

361. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PAINTING

362. AND YOU TELL ME IF IT WAS

363. PAINTED BY A GREAT ARTIST OR

364. TERRIBLE PERSON.

365. ALL RIGHT.

366. HERS THERE'S FIRST

367. PICTURE.

368. THAT'S CLEARLY BOTH.

369. IT IS BOTH, THAT'S

370. JODY ARIAS AND THE CUT-THROAT

371. ART WORLD COLOR HER A STAR.

372. THAT IS HERS?

373. WHY ARE YOU SO

374. SURPRISED?

375. WE JUST TOLD YOU SHE'S A

376. ING PAINTER.

377. WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT

378. THAT WOULD BE THE FIRST ONE YOU

379. WOULD SHOW US.

380. THAT'S WHY WE

381. SHOWED IT TO YOU FIRST.

382. OH, YOU GUYS WIN AGAIN.

383. WE WIN EVERY TIME.

384. I'M ON THE JESELNIK

385. DEFENSIVE.

386. I THINK YOU'RE ON

387. THE NOTHING.

388. DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE BUT IT'S

389. MY ING SHOW.

390. ALL RIGHT.

391. LET'S TAKE A LOOK NEXT PAINTING.

392. TERRIBLE ARTIST.

393. I MEAN — TERRIBLE PERSON.

394. I'LL GO WITH GOOD ARTIST.

395. ANSWER'S HITLER.

396. BOTH.

397. HE WAS A THIRD REICH LEADER BUT

398. A FIRST-RATE PAINTER.

399. THIS IS NOT TERRIBLE.

400. I WOULD PAY UP TO $6 MILLION FOR

401. IT.

402. ALL RIGHT.

403. CHECK OUT THE NEXT PAINTING.

404. GREAT ARTIST OR TERRIBLE PERSON?

405. IT'S A GREAT ARTIST

406. OBVIOUSLY.

407. GREAT ARTIST.

408. IT'S JODIE ARIAS AGAIN.

409. NO.

410. YES.

411. IF I SAW THAT

412. PAINTING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

413. I'D BEFRIEND IT AND TAKE IT TO

414. MY HOUSE AND HAVE SEX WITH IT

415. AND THEN KILL IT.

416. AND NOW TURN UP THE BABY MONITOR

417. AND CALL UP THE MORGUE, IT'S

418. DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.

419. YOU TWEETED IT AND NOW I'M GOING

420. READ IT AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT

421. IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

422. ON MARCH 24 YOU TWEETED BANANA

423. LAFFY TAFFY.

424. WHY DON'T YOU STICK A FORK IN MY

425. DICK.

426. DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

427. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

428. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH THIS.

429. IT'S HORRIBLE.

430. I WANT TO YOU

431. EXPLAIN HOW YOU ENDED UP WANTING

432. A FORK IN YOUR DICK.

433. DO YOU LIKE BANANA LAFFY TAFFY.

434. NO, IT'S HORRIBLE.

435. IT'S LIKE SOMEONE WHISPERED

436. BANANA INTO SILLY PUTTY.

437. THAT'S WHAT I'M

438. LOOKING FOR.

439. THAT'S A DEFENSEDEFENSE.

440. SHUT THE UP.

441. REGGIE.

442. YES.

443. ON NOVEMBER 1 YOU

444. TWEETED —

445. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO RE-DO

446. IT IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME A

447. HIGH-FIVE.

448. OH!

449. A JESELNIK FIRST.

450. THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.

451. I'M LIKE THAT'S A FIRST.

452. WHILE HE GETS HIS

453. TOGETHER, REGGIE.

454. I'M OKAY.

455. CAN I GET A REFILL?

456. YEAH, SOMEBODY RUN

457. TO A LIQUOR STORE.

458. REGGIE, NOVEMBER 1, YOU TWEETED

459. CONFUSING EITHER-OR QUESTION.

460. CHILDREN OR ANAL?

461. REGGIE WATTS, DEFEND YOUR TWEET

462. 37

463. FIRST I THINK IT'S A TOTALLY

464. REASONABLE THINK TO QUESTION BUT

465. THE OTHER THING IS IT'S JUST TWO

466. CHOICES.

467. THEY'RE NOT MIXED.

468. IT'S JUST CLEARLY TWO CHOICES.

469. THEY'RE NOT ASSOCIATED AT ALL.

470. JUST PICK ONE.

471. WEIRDLY, THEY'RE NOT MUTUALLY

472. EXCLUSIVE EITHER.

473. OH!

474. OH, MY GOSH.

475. FINALLY HE DOES SOMETHING RIGHT.

476. THANKS FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT

477. AND WATCH HIS HOUR SPECIAL

478. BETA-MALE ON COMEDY CENTRAL AND

479. REGGIE'S NEW VIDEO IF YOUR

480. ING AT J-A-S-H.COM.

481. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

482. SHOW.

483. THANKS AGAIN TO OUR

484. GUEST AND GET TICKETS TO OUR

485. SPRING TOUR AND FOLLOW ME ON

486. TWITTER.

487. END OF SHOW BLOG AND TUNE IN

488. NEXT WEEK, SAME BAT TIME, SAME

489. BAT CHANNEL FOR "INSIDE AMY

490. SCHUMER."

491. THAT'S THE SEASON FINALE OF

492. "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE" AND FIRST

493. LET'S LOOK BACK AT THE BEST

494. MOMENTS OF TONIGHT'S SHOW.

495. NOW, COMEDY

496. CENTRAL'S ASKED ME HOW CAN WE

497. POSSIBLY TOP OURSELVES.

498. WELL, TONIGHT THEY'LL FIND OUT

499. IN, SEX CRAZE.

500. MEMORIES.

501. GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.

502. GOOD NIGHT, KIDS. GO READ A BOOK.

503. GO READ A BOOK.