The Jeselnik Offensive 1x1

Directed by

Amy Schumer as Self • Aziz Ansari as Self

Anthony reveals the best part of being pope, explores the funny side of cancer, and asks an expert about d**k pics.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. THANK YOU.

2. WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK

3. OFFENSIVE."

4. I'VE

5. I'VE ANTHONY JESELNIK.

6. HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

7. FANTASTIC.

8. WE HAVE AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ

9. ANSARI ARE HERE.

10. ONE OF WHOM I SLEEP WITH AND THE

11. OTHER ONE, WELL, WE JUST MAKE

12. OUT.

13. BEFORE ALL THAT A LOT OF

14. HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED THIS

15. WEEK.

16. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

17. I GUESS WE'RE JUST LUCKY.

18. EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING

19. ABOUT AMERICA'S SWEETHEART,

20. CHRISTOPHER DORNER.

21. YEAH,

22. YEAH, I LOVE THAT GUY.

23. POLICE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO STOP

24. DORNER'S RAMPAGE AFTER THEY

25. CORNERED HIM IN A CABIN IN BIG

26. BEAR.

27. IRONICALLY COPS WERE ALREADY IN

28. THE AREA SHOOTING UP A CABIN

29. FULL OF ASIAN WOMEN.

30. MORE BIG NEWS, POPE BENEDICT

31. ANNOUNCED HE'S STEPPING DOWN AT

32. THE END OF THE MONTH.

33. YEAH.

34. WHEN ASKED WHAT HE'LL MISS MOST

35. ABOUT BEING POPE BENEDICT

36. REPLIED, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE

37. I LOVE THE HATS.

38. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITH

39. KEEPING CONDOMS OUT OF AFRICA.

40. I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD OF

41. AIDS, RIGHT?

42. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

43. PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS

44. AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE.

45. NORTH KOREA PISSED OFF THE WORLD

46. BY TESTING ANOTHER NUCLEAR BOMB

47. AND IT BRINGS THEM ONE STEP

48. CLOSER TO A BOMB WE'LL DROP ON

49. KOREA.

50. THIS IS KIND OF TRAGIC.

51. MARK BELELO ONE OF THE STARS OF

52. A&E'S STORAGE WARS COMMITTED

53. SUICIDE BY LEAVING HIS CAR ON

54. WITH THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSE.

55. WHEN THEY OPENED IT THEY FOUND

56. — VIEW YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH.

57. THEY CITY OF MEMPHIS IS NAME A

58. PARK OF THE KU KLUX KLAN FOUNDER

59. NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST.

60. SORRY, I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR

61. APPLAUSE.

62. THE CITY SPENT YEARS DEBATING

63. A NAME CHANGE BUT IT'S NOT THE

64. FIRST TIME BEDFORD FORREST HAS

65. LEFT PEOPLE HANGING.

66. LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.

67. A GUN SHOP IN DETROIT AGREED TO

68. STOP SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK

69. LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN AFTER

70. MEETING WITH MEMBERS OF THE

71. COUNCIL OF AMERICAN COUNCIL

72. RELATIONS.

73. INSTEAD THEY'LL NOW START

74. SELLING TARGETS THAT LOOK LIKE

75. THE MEMBERS OF THE MEMBERS OF

76. THE COUNCIL FOR AMERICAN

77. RELATIONS.

78. LAST WEEK SINGER CHRIS BROWN

79. TOTAL HIS PORSCHE 911 IN BEVERLY

80. HILLS.

81. COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO ME.

82. CHRIS BROWN LOVES THAT CAR.

83. WELL, THAT WAS A GREAT

84. MONOLOGUE.

85. LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING

86. ABOUT IT ON TWITTER.

87. AND SPEAKING OF AWESOME,

88. FASHION.

89. IT'S EVERYWHERE.

90. YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT.

91. NO TWO PEOPLE EVER SEEM TO WEAR

92. IT THE SAME.

93. LET'S TAKE A PEEK AT SIMILAR

94. BOOKS AND

95. LOOKS AND WHO WORE IT BETTER.

96. FIRST KATE WINSLET OR MARIAH

97. CAREY.

98. KATE LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE

99. BALL AND MARIAH IS LOOKING FOR

100. FASHION IN ALL THE WRONG PLACE.

101. UP NEXT, IT DOESN'T GET ANY

102. EASIER.

103. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA OR THE

104. VIRGINIA TECH KILLER.

105. PRESIDENT OBAMA LOOKS LIKE

106. THE BELL OF THE BALL.

107. WHILE THE VIRGINIA TECH KILLER

108. LOOKS LIKE HE'LL SPEND ANOTHER

109. NIGHT ALONE IN HIS DORM.

110. NOW LET'S LOOK AT GUY FIERI OR

111. THIS TIBETAN MONK.

112. TIBETAN MONK LIKES THE BELL OF

113. THE BALL AND GUY FIERI LOOKS

114. LIKE HE SHOULD KILL HIMSELF IN

115. PUBLIC.

116. NEXT WE HAVE PROGERIA KID OR

117. HAIRLESS CAT.

118. PROGERIA KID LOOKS LIKE THE BELL

119. OF THE BALL.

120. WHILE HAIRLESS CAT IS SUPPOSED

121. TO LOOK LIKE THAT.

122. HERE'S A TOUGH ONE.

123. LUCILLE BALL OR JAMES HOLMES.

124. LUCY LOOKS LIKE THE BELL OF THE

125. BALL.

126. WHILE JAMES HOLMES LOOKS LIKE

127. HE'S GOT SOME SPLAIN'N TO DO.

128. AND THAT WAS WHO WORE IT BETTER.

129. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUCH

130. MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND

131. MUCH WORSE AND AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ ANSARI.

132. AZIZ ANSARI.

133. WELCOME BACK TO THE "JESELNIK

134. OFFENSIVE."

135. VICTORIA SECRET IS CONSIDERING

136. MAKING A SPECIAL BRA

137. SPECIFICALLY FOR BREAST CANCER

138. SURVIVORS.

139. IT'S THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE

140. WOMAN WHO USED TO HAVE

141. EVERYTHING.

142. NOW OBVIOUSLY CANCER IS A

143. VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC AND WHEN A

144. TOPIC IS TOO SENSITIVE TO JOKE

145. ABOUT WE MAKE A BUNCH OF JOKES

146. ABOUT IT IN A SEGMENT WE LIKE TO

147. CALL SACRED COW.

148. THIS WEEK WE CHOSE CANCER.

149. IS CANCER FUNNY?

150. I DON'T KNOW.

151. I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

152. SO I WENT TO GO MAKE FUN OF A

153. DOCTOR.

154. WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEING AN

155. ONCOLOGIST, ALWAYS MEETING NEW

156. PEOPLE?

157. I THINK IT'S BEING A VERY

158. SUPPORTIVE PERSON FOR SOMEONE

159. WHO HAS A LIFE-THREATENING

160. ILLNESS.

161. I GUESS EVEN IF YOU HAVE A

162. PATIENT YOU DON'T LIKE YOU NEVER

163. GET SICK OF THEM.

164. WHAT'S THE MOST AMUSING CANCER.

165. WELL, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS

166. TOPIC.

167. I WOULD HAVE SAID ANAL

168. CANCER.

169. YES.

170. I DID.

171. I SAID IT.

172. HUH.

173. WHAT'S WORSE, PROSTATE CANCER

174. HERE TO TEST FOR PROSTATE

175. CANCER.

176. PROSTATE CANCER.

177. WRONG AGAIN.

178. OKAY.

179. LET'S ROLE PLAY.

180. OKAY.

181. TELL ME I HAVE CANCER.

182. ANTHONY, THE TEST SHOWED THAT

183. YOU HAVE CANCER.

184. YOU HAVE CANCER.

185. NO, YOU DO.

186. YOU DO.

187. I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.

188. I JUST LOOKED AT THE RESULTS.

189. YOUR RIDDLE WITH CANCER.

190. NOW DOCTOR, ARE YOU ACTIVELY

191. SEARCHING FOR THE CURE FOR

192. CANCER RIGHT NOW?

193. NOT ACTIVELY ACTIVELY BUT I SPEND ALL

194. DAY LONG TRYING TO GET THEM

195. CURED OF THEIR CANCER.

196. NOT ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR THE

197. CURE FOR CANCER.

198. PUT THAT ON YOUR YELLP REVIEW.

199. WASTING A CANCER DOCTOR'S TIME

200. SURE WAS FUN AND NOW TIME TO DO

201. IT STANDUP FOR A CANCER SUPPORT

202. GROUP.

203. HOW MANY CANCER PATIENTS DOES IT

204. TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

205. HOW MANY.

206. ONE TO DO IT AND ELEVEN TO

207. SAY SO INSPIRING.

208. THE GUY WITH CANCER GOES TO THE

209. HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IN HOLLYWOOD

210. AND THE DOORMAN SAYS GET OUT OF

211. HERE YOU CAN'T COME IN MY CLUB.

212. THE GUY SAYS YOU DON'T

213. UNDERSTAND I HAVE CANCER.

214. THE DOORMAN SAID I KNOW BUT

215. YOU'RE ALSO PERSIAN.

216. WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND WILL

217. BE RED IN SIX WEEKS?

218. WHAT?

219. YOUR WILL.

220. WHAT YOUR NAME?

221. CHRIS.

222. WHAT TYPE OF CANCER DO YOU

223. HAVE?

224. BRAIN CANCER.

225. IT'S CALLED ANOTHER NAME.

226. CAN YOU SPELL THAT?

227. I DOUBT IT.

228. COULD IT SPELL IT BEFORE YOU

229. HAD BRAIN CANCER?

230. DO YOU HAVE CANCER?

231. I START CHEMO TUESDAY?

232. THEY SAID CHEMO MONEY, CHEMO

233. PROBLEMS.

234. WHAT TYPE OF CANCER.

235. CANCER.

236. THAT'S THE HARDEST NAME.

237. HAVING TO REMEMBER ALL THAT

238. STUFF.

239. THAT'S TOUGH.

240. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU.

241. TO ALL OF YOU.

242. THANK YOU.

243. THAT WAS SARCASTIC.

244. THAT WAS GREAT AND NO HARM

245. DONE.

246. PLUS, GUESS WHAT, IT'S TIME FOR

247. PANELS.

248. THE PANEL THAT'S JUST LIKE

249. CHELSEA LATELY ONLY BETTER

250. BECAUSE ARE YOU ING

251. KIDDING ME.

252. PLEASE WELCOME THE FAMOUS AZIZ

253. ANSARI FROM PARKS AND REC.

254. AND FROM HER RECENT COMEDY

255. CENTRAL SPECIAL MOSTLY SEX

256. STUFF, MOI FAVORITE, AMY

257. SCHUMER.

258. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

259. HERE, GUYS.

260. AZIZ, I JUST HAD A GREAT

261. INTERVIEW AND I HAVE A GREAT

262. QUOTE

263. I CAN TO A TED TALK ON DICK

264. PHOTOS AFTER THEY'LL RESEARCH

265. I'VE DONE.

266. IT'S TRUE.

267. ON MY LAST TOUR I HAD A BIT

268. ABOUT DICK PHOTOS AND I WOULD DO

269. A SURVEY.

270. CLAP IF YOU'RE A WOMAN IN THE

271. AUDIENCE.

272. THAT'S A GREAT SURVEY.

273. OKAY.

274. NOW CLAP IF A GUY HAS SENT YOU A

275. DICK PHOTO BEFORE.

276. ISN'T THAT WAY HIGHER THAN YOU

277. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE?

278. IT'S THAT HIGH EVERYWHERE.

279. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE 30%.

280. IT'S LIKE 70%.

281. EVERYWHERE.

282. NOW CLAP IF IT WAS AZIZ THAT

283. SENT YOU THE PHOTO

284. NOW LET'S GET INTO IT WITH THE

285. BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK OF

286. OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORY'S

287. THIS IS MY FAVORITE.

288. LAST WEEK THERE THERE WAS A

289. MANIAC COP LOOSE IN LOS ANGELES,

290. ACTUALLY THERE'S STILL THOUS AND

291. THE BUT CHRISTOPHER DORNER HAD A

292. MANIFESTO AND HIS BIGGEST

293. VENDETTA WAS AGAINST THE COMMA.

294. DID YOU READ THE MANIFESTO?

295. IT WAS THE LONGEST THING I

296. READ IN MY LIFE.

297. LIKE A PAGE, PAGE AND A HALF.

298. YES.

299. YEAH.

300. SORRY, MENSA MEMBERS IN THE

301. AUDIENCE TODAY.

302. I WONDER IF HE SHOWED IT TO

303. FRIENDS BEFORE LIKE WHAT DO YOU

304. THINK?

305. THINK THERE'S PARTS I CAN LOSE.

306. TOO LONG?

307. NO, IT'S GOOD, ALL GOOD.

308. OTHER THAN THE MURDERING AND

309. ALL THE STUFF WHEN HE GETS TO

310. THE TV SHOWS I'M LIKE DOESN'T

311. SEEM LIKE A BAD DUDE.

312. I DON'T KNOW.

313. I UNDERSTAND.

314. LIKE WE ALL HAD A COP FANTASY

315. WHEN HE PULLS YOU OVER AND

316. YOU'RE MAD BUT THEN HE STARTS

317. TAKING OFF HIS UNIFORM SLOW TO A

318. BOYS TO MEN SONG AND THEN HE

319. BRUSH YOURS HAIR OUT OF YOUR

320. FACE —

321. AMY, YOU'RE ON MY TV SHOW.

322. YOU NEED TO FOCUS UP.

323. SORRY.

324. UP NEXT IS THE WORSE, WORSE

325. THING OF THE WEEK.

326. THE TERRIBLE STORY LIKE LAST ONE

327. BUT ONLY WORSE.

328. THE FORMER NAVY SEAL WHO KILLED

329. OSAMA BIN LADEN IS NOW DIFFER DIVORCED,

330. BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED AND THE

331. GOVERNMENT DOESN'T CARE BUT ON

332. THE PLUS SIDE HE HASN'T KILLED

333. HIMSELF YET.

334. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

335. THAT'S DEPRESS.

336. IT'S IRONIC BECAUSE HE'S GOING

337. TO END UP WITH A HOMELESS BEARD

338. AND ARMY JACKET LIKE LIVING

339. UNDER A BRIDGE LIKE —

340. I READ THE ARTICLE THE

341. INTERVIEW WITH HIM AND ONE THING

342. THAT'S INTERESTING IS THEY WERE

343. TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY'RE GOING

344. ON THE RAID AND STUFF AND WHEN

345. THEY TALKED ABOUT OSAMA BIN

346. LADEN THEY SAID OSAMA BIN LADEN.

347. SORRY, GUYS, I MET HIM.

348. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I

349. KNOW HIM.

350. HE'S DIFFERENT WHEN HE'S NOT

351. AROUND HIS FRIENDS.

352. IF HE WANTS A JOB HE CAN SHOOT

353. ALL OVER MY BEARDED MAN IN A

354. CAVE ANYTIME.

355. I THOUGHT OF THE BEST JOB FOR

356. HIM.

357. AMY, LET'S DO A LITTLE ROLE

358. PLAY.

359. HEY, I'M GOING A FUN CLUB LATER

360. ON WANT TO COME?

361. DON'T KNOW.

362. WHAT IF I TOLD THE GUY THAT

363. KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN IS IS

364. DEEJAYING —

365. WHAT?

366. CAN PUT US ON THE LIST?

367. OF COURSE.

368. OKAY.

369. MEET THE PANEL.

370. MEET PANEL LONG TIME.

371. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

372. PANEL.

373. WELCOME BACK, KIDS.

374. THAT PANEL IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE

375. YOU PANEL TO SEE ME?

376. TIME FOR MORE PANEL AND CONTINUE

377. WITH THE JONBENET RAMSEY

378. MEMORIAL SEGMENT.

379. WHERE CHILDREN THE FUTURE BUT

380. PARENTS THE STARS.

381. MOM, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN

382. FRONT OF THEARIAN NATION.

383. A 58 WOMAN IS UNDER ARREST FOR

384. PASSING HER SON OXYCODONE IN

385. PRISSON VIA OPEN-MOUTH KISS.

386. OH, NO.

387. THEY REALLY LOOK A LOT ALIKE.

388. THE PRISONER LOST CONJUGAL

389. VISITS WITH HIS MOTHER.

390. LOOKS LIKE THEY TOOK THE

391. PHOTO RIGHT AFTER THEY DID.

392. COME OVER HERE.

393. LIKE YOU JUST SHOWED ME AND SAID

394. WHAT DID THEY DO I WOULD BE LIKE

395. LOOKED LIKE THE WOMAN MADE OUT

396. WITH HER SON.

397. THAT'S MAKES ME MOM.

398. MY MOM NEVER PUT OUT NOT EVEN

399. ONCE.

400. NOW IT'S TIME FOR LATINO

401. VOICES.

402. AMY, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING

403. SEASON TWO OF GIRLS?

404. THE WORSE — THE WORSE.

405. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SEASON

406. SO FAR AND WHERE DO YOU SEE

407. HANNAH GOING IN THE NEXT TWO

408. EPISODES.

409. OKAY SO LIKE I REALLY ENJOY

410. SEASON ONE BUT I THOUGHT BRIAN

411. WILLIAMS DAUGHTER SEEMED LIKE A

412. BITCH BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT

413. SO BAD.

414. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

415. SHE SEEMS OKAY.

416. AZIZ, CAN YOU GIVE ME

417. DIRECTIONS TO THE AIRPORT FROM

418. HERE?

419. I WOULD JUST GO STRAIGHT DOWN

420. LA CIENEGA ALL THE WAY DOWN AS

421. LONG AS THERE'S NOT A LOT OF

422. TRAFFIC.

423. THERE'S A NICE IN N OUT RIGHT

424. NEAR LAX.

425. AND THAT WAS LATINO VOICES.

426. NOW LET'S WRAP THIS BABY UP

427. AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER.

428. IT'S TIME FOR DEFENDING YOUR

429. TWEETS.

430. YOU TWEET IT AND I'M GOING READ

431. IT AND TELL YOU DEFEND IN FRONT

432. OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

433. AMY, AUGUST 28 YOU TWEETED,

434. LADIES, SURPRISE A GUY AND GET A

435. TEMP TATTOO AND YOUR STOMACH AND

436. DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING HE

437. FINISHES THERE.

438. HASHTAG, INTERESTING.

439. DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

440. IN MY DEFENSE I WAS IN A

441. REALLY GREAT PLACE IN MY LIFE

442. AND I WAS JUST RIDDLED WITH

443. GREAT IDEAS AND LOUSY WITH

444. CLARITY.

445. OKAY.

446. OKAY.

447. I STAND BY THIS GREAT IDEA.

448. I THAT'S A STRONG DEFENSE

449. I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED

450. ANYTHING LESS.

451. AZIZ ON DECEMBER 9 YOU TWEETED

452. THE FOLLOWING, TORTAS, TORTAS,

453. TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS,

454. TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS, TORTAS.

455. AZIZ, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

456. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE

457. SITUATION WAS BUT I'M GOING

458. GUESS I JUST ATE A REALLY

459. DELICIOUS TORTA.

460. WOW.

461. GREAT DEFENSE.

462. GREAT DEFENSE.

463. IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE FROM

464. THE HALLMARK CHANNEL THAT WANTS

465. TO OPTION THAT —

466. THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT

467. HERE.

468. THANKS FOR BEING HERE ON MY

469. FIRST SHOW.

470. I REALLY APPRECIATE.

471. WATCH AZIZ ON PARK AND REC

472. THURSDAY NIGHTS AT 8:30 AND LOOK

473. OUT FOR AMY INSIDE HER SERIES

474. INSIDE AMY SCHUMER ON COMEDY

475. CENTRAL.

476. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

477. BEST MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S

478. SHOW.

479. WELL, THAT WAS OUR FIRST SHOW

480. AND WE NAILED IT.

481. THANKS TO AMY SCHUMER AND AZIZ

482. ANSARI.

483. SEE ME LIVE AT THE MIRAGE AND

484. TWEET ME AND ON THE BLOG

485. CC.COM/JESELNIK.

486. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK BUT BEFORE WE

487. GO LET'S LOOK BACK AT THE BEST

488. MOMENTS FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.

489. WOMEN BE SHOPPING.

490. WOMEN BE SHOPPING.

491. WOMEN BE SHOPPING.

492. OH, BOY.

493. AH, MEMORIES.

494. GOOD NIGHT KIDS.

495. GO READ A BOOK.

496. IF SOMEONE COMES TO YOU WITH

497. LUNG CANCER AFTER YEARS OF

498. SMOKING CIGARETTES ARE YOU EVER

499. JUST LIKE, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH,

500. DUH.

501. EVER DO THAT?

502. NO, I DON'T DO THAT.

503. DUH.