The Jamie Foxx Show 1x4

1. Is it hot in here or am I just the bomb?

2. - Whoo, whoo, whoo! - You know, I look good.

3. You sure look handsome tonight, honey.

4. - Sss! Ooh! - Oh, look out, little girl.

5. - Your finger might blister up. - Ha, ha, ha.

6. Doesn't he look handsome tonight, Fancy?

7. Ooh, look at him! Whoo-hoo hoo!

8. Yeah, but he still smells the same.

9. Smell the same? Girl, I have you to know

10. that I have on some of the best

11. knock-off cologne money can buy.

12. It's called, "Come to me".

13. Oh, ho, ho, please, that doesn't smell like come to me.

14. Evening, all.

15. Alfalfa.

16. What's happening? Tell Darla I say, "What's up?".

17. Sure thing, buckwheat.

18. Oh, you're trying to get one in, that's cool, that's..

19. - Oh, give me a little dap. - Hey! Ah? Ah?

20. R-r-r.

21. I will have you know that I have a date

22. with a sophisticated woman.

23. Oh, okay.

24. Ah, that's probably her now.

25. The King's Tower.

26. Hello?

27. Oh, hello, my little love drop.

28. Again?

29. Oh, no, no, no, it's, it's not a problem.

30. Well, maybe I can come by a little later.

31. Hello? Hello?

32. Oh, it looks like the little love drop

33. just drop-kicked you right on your ass to the curb.

34. Ha-ha, it's good.

35. Oh, I'm sorry, Braxton.

36. Did your date stand you up again?

37. No, no, it's just, "That time of the month".

38. Yeah, it's that time of the month

39. for you to get dissed again.

40. Ha, ha, ha, you see, Jamie, you just don't know women.

41. Oh, yeah, brother, I know women very well.

42. And I know, that a woman does not have

43. "That time of the month"

44. five times in one month, she'd be so drained—

45. Look, Jamie!

46. Uh! That's alright, Braxton.

47. I'm sure you'll have no problems

48. finding another date.

49. - Oh, really? - Uh-huh.

50. So, uh, what are you doing later this evening?

51. Uh, ha, I'm, uh, I-I-I'm busy.

52. I've got some, uh, some things that I got to do.

53. It's, uh..

54. it's that time of the month.

55. Dennis, what do you have on, looking like you've been

56. in the back of Junior's closet?

57. Well, there's a 70s film festival

58. over at the Magic Johnson Theater.

59. So I will see you... cats later.

60. Why, Dennis.

61. Dennis, uh, maybe you'd like some company?

62. Ooh, I think you might feel a little uncomfortable, Braxton.

63. There's gonna be a lot of black people there.

64. Well, I guess I'll go and re-alphabetize some files.

65. Since I have so much extra time.

66. Jamie, can I see you for a second?

67. Oh, you want to see from the other side?

68. 'No, come here.'

69. - What's happening? - Honey, listen.

70. Why don't you ask Braxton to go out with you tonight?

71. Me and Forrest Chump?

72. Oh, no, no, no, now, you know

73. they always tell you now

74. don't ever say it ain't going to ever happen

75. but in this case, it ain't gonna ever happen.

76. Honey, no, no, no, now, now

77. come on, don't be like that.

78. You know, he's probably gonna say no anyway.

79. Don't act like you ain't never been embarrassed.

80. I ain't never been embarrassed because I'm too fly for that.

81. Mm-hm, you weren't so fly when you left that kiddie kit perm

82. in your hair too long and it fell out in plugs

83. and you were cryin' for weeks because all the kids

84. were running around calling you "Patches", remember?

85. Alright, alright, alright.

86. I thought we was just going to keep that between us.

87. Alright, well, look, listen, all I'm saying is just ask him.

88. - Alright, okay, ah. - Okay, alright, go.

89. - Look, I, I don't know— - Well, go on.

90. Uh, look it, home-homes.

91. Uh, I'm going to go over to this little club and everything.

92. We gonna be partying and stuff but you probably

93. don't want to go, it's a lot of drive-bys and jackings

94. and stuff, you know, rapes and murders and stuff.

95. - What me? Go out with you? - See, exactly what I thought.

96. - I'm out. - No, no, wait, broham.

97. See, I am game.

98. No, see you don't understand, brother.

99. Young, you know, soft brother like yourself

100. might get your back broke up in one of these places.

101. I can defend myself, thank you very much.

102. I will have you know that I have a yellow belt in Hapkido.

103. Well, your breath is kickin' like Cheeto.

104. But, hey, anyway, look, we'll-we'll go ahead

105. and roll and everything, you can roll with me.

106. But, eh, eh, but one thing, man when I'm partying and everything

107. you know, kind of keep your distance, alright?

108. No, don't be crowding me 'cause I'm

109. gonna be "The Mack", tonight.

110. And the way you're dressed, eh

111. well, you're just going to be whack tonight.

112. Junior King, where do you think you're going?

113. Helen, I'm goin' down to the corner

114. to buy me some touch-up paint.

115. We got some touch-up paint in the basement

116. that you ain't touched.

117. - What I want to do— - I know what you want to do.

118. You want to get some Lotto tickets.

119. And you promised me you were gonna stop gambling.

120. Helen, it's not gambling, baby!

121. It's the Lotto!

122. No.

123. You got to be in it to win it!

124. What's the, uh, the price of admission?

125. Oh, don't even sweat it, man. I know the owner here.

126. You know, he's an Olympic basketball player.

127. His name is Gary Payton. Don't even sweat it.

128. What's up, Gary?

129. Hold on, Lionel Richie and little bit.

130. That's $15 dollars apiece.

131. Oh, no, come on, Gary Payton, you don't remember me, man?

132. Yeah, I remember you're the new valet parker, right?

133. Oh, no, no, no, see, G, I was, you know, giving shouts-out

134. at the Olympics and everything yelling your name, "G.P.!"

135. You probably didn't hear me, though, 'cause I was

136. watching from the TV.

137. You get it, right? You get it, right?

138. - Yeah, I get it. - Ha.

139. It's still $15 dollars apiece.

140. Oh, cool, you know, uh, there you go, man.

141. You still got your Olympic medal, huh, I see?

142. - Yeah, I sure do. - Alright.

143. I hope it turn your neck green.

144. Hey, what's up, girls? What's up, everybody?

145. A-a-ah, what's up? What's up?

146. Hey, babe.

147. I thought you were gonna call me.

148. You know, I was gonna call you, girl.

149. But I've been so busy, you know, I'm tryin'

150. to run that big a hotel by myself.

151. That's right. Who's your friend?

152. Uh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, my man, that's my driver.

153. Uh! Uh!

154. May we just, uh, have some service, please?

155. Can I offer you gentlemen a Screaming Orgasm?

156. Hey, as long as I can go to sleep afterwards, you know?

157. No, I'm-I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

158. Bring me a Screaming Orgasm and, uh

159. bring my brother here a, a, a Diet Squirt.

160. Oh, you look so good. How you doing?

161. Uh. Uha, ha, ha. Ooh.

162. You see, Braxton, I am the man in here.

163. Yeah, the trash man.

164. My God! Look at all the garbage in this place.

165. I know, just smell it.

166. A-a-ah!

167. See, the thing about it is, man, is that

168. you're jealous of my Mack skills.

169. Let me show you how I put it down.

170. Uh, excuse me, uh, Shaneequa O'Connor.

171. I was wondering, you know, I don't have

172. any money to afford you right now

173. but why don't I put you on layaway

174. and then I'll come back later, get you out.

175. Ah-ha-ha!

176. Just call me L.L. Cool Jamie, baby.

177. If they'll fall for that, anyone can score in here.

178. Not just anybody, Ex-laxton, just me.

179. But you know what? I don't want to count you out.

180. As a matter of fact..

181. why don't you go see what you get?

182. Okay, I'll engage in your little experiment.

183. Alright. Engage.

184. Uh, excuse me.

185. Would you care to join me in some social bonding?

186. Bondage? You ain't tyin' up nobody in here, fool!

187. Thinking I'm into that M and M stuff.

188. That's S and M

189. you... you hood rat!

190. Oh!

191. Oh!

192. Hey, uh, look here

193. "Singin' in the rain".

194. Uh!

195. - Braxton. - Preposterous.

196. I know you've heard, Braxton, now if you

197. really want to get with somebody

198. all you got to do is be yourself, right?

199. - Yeah. - Well, squash that.

200. Don't be yourself.

201. Be like me, just be cool. Be smooth, man.

202. So what you're telling me that I have to stoop

203. to your level of juvenile vernacular

204. and belittle my social aptitude?

205. Y... uh, yeah, yeah, do that, do that.

206. Uh, pardon me, miss.

207. Uh, I don't have sufficient funds

208. for you right now.

209. However, if I could put you on, uh..

210. Layaway.

211. layaway.

212. Then, as I understand it, I can pay

213. the balance later and have you.

214. But, pending credit approval, of course.

215. We will definitely hook up later, Mr. Smooth.

216. Ah! Ha, ha, ha.

217. Oh, Mr. Smooth, huh?

218. That is my name. Don't wear it out.

219. I have to tell you, there may be

220. some potential to this approach.

221. Excuse me, homegirl.

222. I'd like to discuss a payment plan with you.

223. Layaway, man! Layaway!

224. How you doing, girl?

225. You know, that platinum hair sure does look good on you.

226. - Uh, uha. - Uh, ha, ha, ha.

227. What's your name?

228. Latwanis.

229. - Latwanis. - Oh, oh.

230. Let's say me and you, uh, get on up out of here.

231. Well, I'm ready. Let's go.

232. Damn!

233. Damn! What did you say your name was again?

234. Latwanis, but for some reason

235. everybody keep calling me, "Damn!"

236. - Damn! - Huh? What?

237. No, no, no, I'm just saying, it's kind of late

238. and everything and, uh, I got to go get my homie.

239. Hey, look here, B, you ready to bounce?

240. - Hey, what's the rush, J-dog? - J-dog?

241. This party is just getting started.

242. - Ain't that right, ladies? - Mm.

243. Um, B. Smooth, could you do that dance for us again?

244. A-ah, for you sweethearts

245. I will do it

246. all... night... long.

247. Mr. DJ, break me off something proper.

248. Ah! Oh!

249. Ah-ah. Uh. Hey. Hey.

250. 'Ah, ah, ah.'

251. A-ah, ah, ah, ah.

252. Ah, oh!

253. Aah, ha, ha, ha!

254. Aah, oh!

255. A-a-ah, uh!

256. Well, that's cool, man, but I'm going to get up out of here.

257. J-dog, don't player-hate

258. when you can participate.

259. Come on, why don't you leave these skeezers alone, man?

260. And let's go. I don't trust them.

261. You know what? You're right.

262. Thanks for the advice, Jamie. Right here.

263. - Put it there, man. - Alright.

264. R-r-r..

265. Yeah, well, uh..

266. you gonna do it like that, huh?

267. - Yeah. - That's cool.

268. - I'm outta here. - Yeah?

269. How you going to get home?

270. I drove.

271. Damn!

272. You called me?

273. Has anybody seen Braxton?

274. He's an hour late and things are getting backed up.

275. - Really? - Yeah.

276. 'Dennis.'

277. You know the routine.

278. Uh! Yeah, my, my bad, B. Smooth.

279. B. Smooth? I'm about to be sick.

280. Yo, I'm sorry for being late.

281. But, you know, when you're a big baller and a shot caller

282. one's schedule can get a bit tight

283. kind of like Jamie's drawers.

284. That's, that's very good.

285. I know you're not trying to bag on me, Foolio Iglesias.

286. I would never try to bag on you, J-doggy Dogg.

287. You took the raw, crude Braxton

288. and sculpted him into the perfection

289. that is B. Smooth.

290. What?

291. Audi 5000, G.

292. You did what?

293. Now, the last thing we need is two of you runnin' around here.

294. - This is ridiculous. - We'll have you out soon—

295. You wasn't slow taking my money.

296. Is there some reason why checkout is taking so long?

297. I'm sure, we'll have it all straightened out in a minute.

298. Jamie honey, are you almost done

299. with that credit card authorization?

300. Hold on, uh.

301. Two and 200, 20..

302. 'Sweetheart?'

303. Now if I carried my one, I could..

304. I mean, look, look, it ain't like it's my job.

305. I mean, this is Braxton's job, I don't know what I'm doing.

306. Yeah, you're right and we need to talk about that.

307. But now I need you to handle this customer

308. for me, come on, honey.

309. Excuse me, brother, I am really sorry about taking so long

310. and everything, but if you can sign right here, Mr. Ho.

311. Do I look like a Ho to you?

312. No, but that little trick you came in here with last night —

313. Aw..

314. Jamie, Jamie.

315. Where in the world is Braxton?

316. What is up, my people?

317. Is it, uh, hot in here or am I just the bizzomb?

318. No, it's just hot in here.

319. Yo, look here, uh, kid 'n' played out.

320. You need to handle your business.

321. Uh, I am handling my business.

322. Maybe you need a business partner?

323. I mean, you know, since you got two.

324. Please, we're here to see B. Smooth not B. Country.

325. So be gone.

326. Hoo, hoo.

327. Be gone, yourself, ya ballpark stanks.

328. Stop... stop that.

329. B. Smooth, can you sing

330. one of those cool songs for us again?

331. Ah, anything for you honeys.

332. Huh, ha. Two, three.

333. Uh, uh, uh.

334. B. Smooth, your lyrics are so dope.

335. Thank you.

336. Oh, wait, excuse me.

337. Oh, no, no, no. Don't answer it.

338. We are just getting warmed up.

339. - Ooh! - Speak for yourself.

340. I'm already sizzlin'.

341. A-a-ah.

342. Uh, look here, bro.

343. Uh, I need to get the receipts and everything

344. to download the computer and, uh..

345. - Also, can I get the password? - Well, can't it wait?

346. I'm trying to chill with my honeys.

347. Yo, B, you're out of control, everybody downstairs is mad

348. at me, man, because you're not doing your job.

349. And I told you need to leave these gold diggers alone.

350. - Oh, is that so? - Yeah, remember?

351. I told you to be like me and not be yourself.

352. Well, me would know that these are gold diggers.

353. They've been hanging out with everyone, hanging with

354. the Lakers, hanging with Gary Payton.

355. Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

356. Come on, now, they're just hanging with any brother

357. that can do somethin' for 'em.

358. You see, Jamie, your player hating

359. is getting irritating.

360. - Just admit it. You're jealous. - Jealous of what, B?

361. 'Braxton, are you ready for your full body massage?'

362. That.

363. Don't worry, I'll take pictures.

364. Can I at least get the password to the computer?

365. The password is "Peace out" Wiggedy-whack daddy!

366. Ain't this..

367. Yo, J.D., where you coming from?

368. Uh, I just tried to go play that stupid Lotto.

369. I mean, can you believe it's up to

370. seventy million dollars and nobody wins?

371. Who would play these stupid numbers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?

372. Junior, what's wrong?

373. Fancy, honey, call the doctor.

374. Junior baby, is it your heart?

375. Well, what is it then, honey?

376. - My pocket. - Your pocket?

377. Dennis, what did you say those numbers were again?

378. Uh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

379. Wait a minute, you mean to tell me

380. you had the winning numbers and you didn't play them?

381. But you said that I couldn't play 'em.

382. Fool, I said, you had a gambling problem!

383. I could've played 'em, I can't believe it..

384. What about this..

385. Oh, Jamie, I am due for a break

386. and B. Smooth's been gone for an hour, can you cover me?

387. Yeah, I can cover you with whipped cream

388. and these nuts in your mouth.

389. Come on, Jamie, I am serious. This is just unfair.

390. Here we are bustin' our butts

391. and Braxton's off doing his own thing.

392. Right, he has been buggin'.

393. You know, consider him checked.

394. I say we go up there, Jamie, and we break him off

395. a little something, something.

396. Like was-aye!

397. Yo, where did he go?

398. Wait a minute, Jamie.

399. What if he was abducted by aliens?

400. - Uh! - This happened to me.

401. - Well, what the hell are— - No, I'm not kidding.

402. I'm serious about this, uh

403. they took this probe and they

404. they laid me down, it was very quiet..

405. This is between us, isn't it?

406. Sounds like you got attacked by some gay-liens, bro.

407. What the hell?

408. Yo.

409. B. Smooth, say it isn't so.

410. Oh, my goodness!

411. Speaking of gay-liens, look who just came out the closet.

412. Wait a minute, Jamie, I, I think he's trying to say something.

413. What did you say?

414. Oh, the ladies tied you up and they jacked you?

415. Jimmy's stuck in a mine shaft?

416. Engines?

417. What are you trying to say, big baller, collect caller?

418. Oh, let me help you out.

419. This is not funny, Jamie.

420. I've been the victim of a heinous crime.

421. This is hardly the time for your sophomoric antics.

422. I've been violated by those hood rats.

423. I feel so cheap.

424. At least we got the old Braxton back, right?

425. Shut up and untie me, you moron.

426. Oh, you're tryin' to pop off?

427. Well, put these billzz-naws in your jizz-naw.

428. Hey, hey, Jamie. Don't go anywhere yet.

429. Braxton's got a new camera.

430. Well, well, well. Brax-teer.

431. Let's take a family picture, shall we?

432. Smile... if you can.

433. - Dennis, Jamie. - Ho, ho, yeah, yeah, yeah.

434. You see, I particularly, I particularly like this one

435. because this one shows the true sucker that you are.

436. Come on, how much is that worth to you?

437. Al-alright. Look, look, look.

438. I'll, I-I'll give you, uh, uh, $15, okay?

439. Oh, cool, sold. Only in America. Aha-a-a!

440. Oh, get your own.

441. Big baller, big baller. Well, Braxton.

442. I call this, "I got jacked-ston."

443. Alright, alright, alright, look.

444. Look, I'll buy the rest for $200.

445. Yo, yo, B, B, that's not necessary.

446. I really don't want your money, man.

447. I just want you to admit that you could never be me.

448. You never will be.

449. And answer one question.

450. - Who's da man? - Ok-okay, okay, look.

451. I'll admit that I'm better off being myself

452. and that you have more "Hoochie savvy" than I.

453. However, if you think that I'm going to admit

454. that you're "Da man", you are sadly mistaken, bucko.

455. - Bucko.. - Bucko's a very strong word.

456. 'Cause frankly, frankly, I don't give a damn!

457. Somebody call me?

458. - Oh, shiznit. - Oh, shiznit.

459. - And you cried.. - ... hold on, hold on, hold on.

460. But the box said, 15 minutes.

461. Boy, you, ha, ha, ha.

462. You remember 'cause I was yelling all, you know, yelling

463. Yo, B, I'm trying to tell you you're out of contr..

464. Golly, golly, golly, dammit. Try it again.

465. You need to leave these gold-diggin' hoochies

466. uh... uh, freaks, and stuff like that.

467. 'Cause, you know, sometimes

468. "Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light."

469. Bent dogg.