The Jamie Foxx Show 1x21

1. Would you please check me out?

2. Oh, well, let me check you out.

3. You got the red hem and the pearls..

4. I like the haircut. You're ready for the murder.

5. No, no, no, no, I meant I'm leaving.

6. Would you please check me out of the hotel?

7. Oh, oh, oh, my bad.

8. I thought you was trying to get your jungle fever on.

9. Just a little joke.

10. Let me see, let me run your card through here.

11. Alright. Uh..

12. Mm-mmm.

13. Just, you know what, let-let me

14. These stripes can be kinda dusty.

15. Let me run it through one more time there.

16. Mm-mmm.

17. There's some things about this card

18. that's just really not working for me.

19. - Really? - Yeah.

20. You know, now that you mention it

21. I have been having some trouble

22. with that American Express card.

23. Yes, as a matter of fact, you could have

24. left home without this one.

25. Oh, well, you know what

26. I have a Platinum Card out in the car.

27. Why don't I just go get that?

28. Yeah, I'll tell you what, why don't you

29. let me just watch your bags for you?

30. - Okay. Sure. - Alright.

31. Thank you.

32. Mother of God, my spine!

33. What? Baby, what happened?

34. - Are you okay? - Aah-aa-aah!

35. I'll take that as a no. Uh, help.

36. Uh, a white lady down in the lobby.

37. Help me out. Your own kind down in the lobby.

38. Get somebody. Help, white lady down in the lobby.

39. Run and get somebody, honey.

40. It's your own people!

41. - Don't you care? - Ow!

42. Oh, oh, oh.

43. Uh, uh-h-h, y-you better not try to move me

44. it'll probably only make it worse.

45. I-I must have slipped on that big wet spot over there.

46. Unh-unh.

47. You know what this means?

48. - What? - A big ass lawsuit.

49. - Jamie! - Oh, hey, don't look at me.

50. I-I didn't have nothing to do with that wet spot.

51. I didn't, I didn't mop the floor.

52. Jamie, you told me you mopped.

53. Yeah, well, I said that I had mopped

54. but I didn't mean mop-mop, as in mop.

55. Please, this is not the time.

56. - I'm gonna call an ambulance. - No, no, no.

57. No, no, no, no!

58. I mean, uh, no, no, no

59. that's not necessary.

60. I just need to lie here for a moment

61. I'm sure I'll be okay.

62. Oh, you cool? Oh, get her some juice or something.

63. She says she's cool.

64. Don't worry, Miss Richburg.

65. You stay here until you feel better, okay?

66. Jamie... you go and find her a room, man

67. and give her anything she wants.

68. We don't wanna lose this hotel.

69. Alright, alright, alright.

70. Go ahead and make sure she alright.

71. Oh!

72. Oh!

73. Aah!

74. Aah!

75. - Aah! - Aah!

76. - Eeh! - Eeh!

77. Jamie!

78. Baby, this is not the time.

79. Take her upstairs, please.

80. That's my favorite song. I'm sorry.

81. - Come in. - Hey, hey, Dr. Feelgo..

82. Oh, my goodness. Dr. Feelgood here.

83. Got you a little something to eat.

84. They got you the house special.

85. Oh, great, I'm famished.

86. - What is it? - Well, I'm glad.

87. Oh, look, got you a spam sandwich..

88. got you some hot fries right here

89. and a little Kool-Aid, extra sugar.

90. Really?

91. I was really thinking more along the lines

92. of Filet mignon, asparagus tips, and a 1978 Merlot.

93. Make sure it's a '78.

94. A-a-alright.

95. Uh, it's just that, uh, we-we don't, uh, hmm..

96. We don't have that here at the hotel.

97. - Oh, you don't have that here? - 'Hmm.'

98. Oh, you know who could probably get it for me?

99. - 'Who's that?' - My lawyer.

100. Oh, no, wait now. Hold on a minute.

101. Alright now, misery, hold on.

102. We don't have to jump the gun.

103. It's just that, uh

104. you know, you kind of, you kind of caught me off guard.

105. I know. I-I-I have been a little bit on edge.

106. - 'Yeah.' - I'm just so uncomfortable.

107. I'm gonna run down and see what I can do

108. to help you out, ma'am.

109. - Oh! - Oh, my goodness, what now?

110. Well, you know what?

111. I do just have one more tiny

112. weensy-teensy little request.

113. - Just teensy-weensy, huh? - 'Just a little one.'

114. Little, that's new.

115. Well, you know, my uncle said

116. that, uh, whatever you want

117. you can have it.

118. It's all, it's all, it's all on us.

119. Oh, thank you.

120. Rub my feet.

121. Y-y-you want me, you want me, um, to rub your feet?

122. Don't you wanna rub my feet?

123. I bet my lawyer could rub my feet, in court!

124. Alright, alright, alright, alright.

125. Well, I can't knock you out right here, but uh..

126. - I'll, uh, rub your feet. - 'Good.'

127. I'm pretty good with my hands.

128. 'Oh, good.'

129. - I'll go ahead and.. - There you go.

130. - Alright. - Go ahead.

131. - I'm, uh.. Okay. - Alright.

132. Your feet.

133. 'Unh-unh, now.'

134. Oh, oh, no, no, hold on now.

135. Girl, with all them onions, bunions, and corns..

136. I'm gonna have to go get the gardener to take care of these.

137. Oh, well, uh, since you're on your way out anyway

138. would you mind just, uh, taking care of this for me?

139. Oh, hell no.

140. Jamie, where did these receipts come from?

141. I'll tell you where those receipts came from.

142. They came from our special guest Miss Richburg.

143. Let me look at this. Look, this "Fresh flowers".

144. I need fresh flowers. Fresh flow..

145. Look at this, video tapes. And-and look at..

146. a-a $400 bill for her own massage team.

147. - Four hundred dollars? - Four hundred dollars?

148. What massage team?

149. Right-right there.

150. Junior, that lady is driving everybody around here cuckoo!

151. And she's running up a tab higher than your bookies.

152. No problem. We'll just take it out of Jamie's salary.

153. Oh, now, hold on, wait a minute.

154. Hold on, nothing. It's your fault, Mr. Mop and Glo.

155. Folks, I was just passing by Miss Richburg's room

156. and I heard some strange noises.

157. She might be hurt.

158. I think we better go and check on her.

159. You all go. I'll call a doctor.

160. Hey, Fancy.

161. Jamie.

162. Come in.

163. Miss Richburg, are you okay?

164. Who is that?

165. Lord, is it you?

166. - Is it my time? - Uh..

167. No, my child.

168. Man.

169. Mrs. Richburg, don't you worry now

170. because Mrs. King is calling a doctor right now.

171. - No! - Oh, man.

172. I mean, no. No, I..

173. I-I-I just need to rest for a little while.

174. Would you leave me alone?

175. - 'Okay.' - Right. We'll leave you alone.

176. She needs to get a little rest.

177. You rest.

178. Thank you, grandma.

179. Could you bring me some of those animal crackers?

180. Uh, oh, okay, baby.

181. Grandma will run down and get you some animal crackers.

182. Lord, have mercy..

183. Run along now, Fluffy.

184. There's a good dog.

185. Ruff.

186. Could you close the door behind you, Uncle Henry?

187. Uh, okay, baby girl.

188. Okay. Okay.

189. It's a miracle!

190. I can dance!

191. Uh, no, you can't.

192. And you need to get up out of here.

193. Well, I'll see you in court!

194. Okay, now, there's nothing to worry about.

195. Your lawyer friend should be here any minute, right, Junior?

196. Uh, Helen, about that lawyer—

197. Junior, that lawyer better be in this courthouse.

198. He is in the courthouse

199. but unfortunately, he's upstairs being arraigned.

200. All rise.

201. The honorable Judge Lekeisha Roshanda Jackson.

202. See? We already got the judge on our side.

203. Lekeisha Rosh.. That's got to be a sister.

204. Got to be a sister.

205. She's just trying to get her Mariah Carey on.

206. She trying to pass.

207. You may all be seated.

208. Now, in the case of

209. Richburg versus the King's Tower..

210. is the defense ready?

211. Uh, we're ready

212. when you are, Your Honor.

213. Is the plaintiff ready?

214. Uh, as a matter of fact, Your Honor, I hate to be

215. the bearer of bad news, but the plaintiff

216. didn't even bother to show up.

217. I suggest we just throw this whole case out of here.

218. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

219. Before you do that, Your Honor

220. I think you may want to hear

221. what my client has to say.

222. I'm so sorry to be late, Your Honor, it's just that—

223. - Oh, my goodness. - 'Ow! Ow!'

224. - Are you okay? - Yes, I'm fine.

225. It's just the, uh, throbbing from the plate in my head.

226. Miss Richburg, raise your right hand.

227. Unh! Ah!

228. I'm-I'm sorry I can't.

229. It's too painful.

230. Aww.

231. Oh, you poor thing.

232. Never mind the swearing in.

233. Uh, Bailiff, get her something to drink.

234. What would you like, Miss Richburg?

235. Well, if it's not too much trouble

236. I'll take a, uh, cranberry cocktail with a lemon twist

237. and not too much ice.

238. And a little splash of vodka

239. for the pain.

240. Make mine a double.

241. Uh, Mr. King, sit down.

242. Miss Darden, you may proceed.

243. Thank you, judge.

244. And, uh..

245. did I mention that Miss Richburg

246. gives annually to the United Negro College Fund.

247. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

248. Now, Miss Richburg, I know you're

249. in a lot of physical pain.

250. - 'Ow!' - Oh, yes.

251. And-and I, I know it must be very difficult

252. to recall the traumatic events that occurred

253. but... in your own words

254. tell us what happened.

255. Well, I'll try.

256. You see, I..

257. I slipped and fell.

258. The floor was soaking wet.

259. And now I'm forced to look like this.

260. Your Honor, I was once a beautiful young woman.

261. I object.

262. On what grounds?

263. She was alright.

264. Mr. King, sit down. Overruled.

265. Miss Richburg, would you say

266. there was any one person responsible for your mishap?

267. - Uh, yes. - 'Mm-hmm.'

268. And do you see him in this courtroom today?

269. Well, um... yes.

270. But are you..

271. . quite sure I'm going to be safe?

272. He did say that if I identified him

273. he was gonna..

274. he was gonna..

275. bust a cap in my ass!

276. Miss Richburg, this is a court of law.

277. No one is gonna bust a cap in your ass.

278. Proceed.

279. Alright.

280. It was him!

281. He saw the whole thing happen

282. and then-then, and the rest of them all stood around

283. and laughed at me

284. and then, and then they put me in this room

285. only it was more like a-a pit

286. and they-they forced me to eat spam.

287. I-I-I don't even know what that is.

288. Neither do I.

289. - That sounds disgusting. - Yes.

290. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait now, spam sandwiches..

291. When my Aunt Helen makes spam sandwiches

292. she really puts the-the thing on it.

293. Then she got mustard, she got.. What's it, tell 'em, Aunt Helen.

294. Tell 'em what-what you got. You got mustard..

295. Well, your honor, first, see, well, I put

296. a little of chopped onion..

297. 'Okay, thank you.'

298. I know all I need to know about spam.

299. Well, Your Honor

300. did you know that spam comes from aspic?

301. No more talking about spam!

302. Counsel, continue.

303. Miss Richburg

304. can you please tell the jury

305. exactly what type of injuries

306. you sustained while staying

307. at the King's Tower?

308. Well, it might be easier

309. to tell them what wasn't injured. My toes.

310. I object.

311. Those toes were jacked.

312. Order in the court!

313. Order in the court!

314. Uh, let me get a-a cheeseburger with a..

315. Just sit down.

316. - Mr. King, hi. - Yes. Hi.

317. Hi.

318. Were you at the hotel

319. on the morning of the Richburg accident?

320. Uh, yes, I was.

321. I don't have to give my social security number, judge?

322. You know, I owe a lot of back taxes

323. if you know what I mean.

324. No, no, that won't be required.

325. - Thank you. - Counsel, continue.

326. Thank you. Okay, I'm just gonna get to the point.

327. Did your nephew mop the floor on the morning of the accident?

328. - Well, you know, I'm not sure. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

329. Well-well, did he tell you he mopped the floor?

330. See, that's what he.. First he said he did

331. then he said he didn't.

332. Oh, oh, oh, uh, oh, oh..

333. So, so, so..

334. your nephew is a liar.

335. What? Your mama..

336. - Jamie.. - Jamie, sit down.

337. Jamie, shut up, Jamie. Sit down. Jamie..

338. Now answer the question.

339. Is your nephew a liar?

340. Well, a little white lie ain't hurt nobody but us.

341. Mm-hmm. That's all I wanted to hear. No further questions.

342. Your nephew is a habitual liar.

343. Who are you calling a "ha-bitch"?

344. - Wait, wait, wait. - Jamie, Jamie, Jamie..

345. Mr. Hartnabrig, hi.

346. Greetings.

347. Hi.

348. What do you think of Jamie King

349. as an employee and as a person?

350. Uh, uh, uh..

351. Uh, uh, good, good. I-I like him.

352. Mm-hmm. And remember you're under oath.

353. He's the most obnoxious

354. lazy, bone-headed rapscallion

355. I've ever encountered.

356. No further questions.

357. Braxton.

358. I was under oath.

359. - Mrs. King, hi. - Hi.

360. - Hi. - Hi.

361. - Hi. - Hi.

362. Mrs. King, you've-you've known Jamie

363. since he was just an itty-bitty baby.

364. - Oh, yes. - Is that right?

365. Oh, oh, he was the cutest little thing.

366. You know, I fed him, I bathed him, I burped him. Oh!

367. - You diapered him? - Oh, Lord, yes.

368. Ooh, that little thing just be shootin' water all over the..

369. I had to get a diaper on him quick

370. or-or he'd just shoot it right between my eyes.

371. Ooh, honey, yes, he always needed to be changed.

372. Always, huh? He.. Always. So..

373. He's-he sort of always had a problem with wetness, huh?

374. Oh, no, all babies wet themselves, honey.

375. Like the wet spot he left in the lobby that day?

376. No further questions!

377. I'm going to call Mr. Jamie King to the stand.

378. - Let's go, baby. - Yeah.

379. - Alright. Alright. Alright. - Yeah.

380. Ow!

381. It's all good.

382. Mr. King, hi.

383. Huh, what's up? How you doing?

384. Hey, judge, you know, I like your little outfit

385. the black and white..

386. I'm just gonna leave you alone right now.

387. Mr. King..

388. did you mop the floor that morning?

389. - I did not. - 'Mm-hmm.'

390. Well, do you recognize these?

391. Aah!

392. Found with the mop.

393. Those gloves aren't mine.

394. Well, would you mind trying them on for us?

395. Well, uh, if that'll turn you on.

396. Oh, try me.

397. No disrespect, brother.

398. Shall I approach the jury?

399. I wish you would.

400. Objection, Your Honor. He's faking.

401. I object because she's fakin'

402. and she's been faking the whole time.

403. That will be enough of that.

404. Miss Darden, do you have any further questions?

405. No, Your Honor, the plaintiff rests.

406. Do the defendants have any witnesses?

407. Yes, as a matter of fact, Your Honor

408. we have, we have one more witness.

409. Well, let's get on with it.

410. It's getting late, and I have to be gettin' home.

411. I'm expectin' a booty call.

412. Go on with your bad self.

413. I would like to call to the stand Miss Barbara Richburg.

414. - What? - Jamie.

415. Honey, what are you doing?

416. Look, I've watched enough "Perry Masons"

417. to know what I'm doing.

418. But be careful, honey, 'cause she looks

419. more like "Ironside".

420. You don't even have to go up there.

421. You can stay right where you are

422. Miss Richburg, if that's your real name.

423. I just want to ask you one question

424. Miss Richburg.

425. Do you have blue eyes?

426. Yes. So what?

427. Well, you know, I was just letting people know.

428. I was establishing the fact that you have blue eyes

429. inside your head, and they're not ou-outside..

430. This is kinda hard. It's harder than I thought.

431. Mr. King..

432. you are dancin' on thin ice.

433. Proceed!

434. Dancing.

435. Dancing.

436. Dem, um, um, uh..

437. Dancing.

438. Miss Richburg, uh..

439. - Over there, honey. - Jamie, she's over there.

440. - There. - I know.

441. Miss Richburg, before the accident, could you dance?

442. Well..

443. as a matter of fact, I was quite a fine dancer.

444. I knew all the latest moves.

445. All the latest moves.

446. Okay? The lat.. She knew all the latest moves, huh?

447. - All the latest moves. - Say it with me.

448. All the latest moves.

449. Come on, now..

450. All the latest moves.

451. You know all the latest moves.

452. Yet, Miss Richburg, when I came to your room

453. you were doing the most pathetic tootsie roll

454. I've ever seen in my life.

455. What is this?

456. Isn't it true that you cannot dance

457. because you don't have any rhythm?

458. That is a damn lie! I've got rhythm!

459. I can dance, Your Honor. Look at this.

460. I can do the tootsie roll

461. I can do the butterfly

462. I can do the Bankhead Bounce.

463. Oops.

464. - Case dismissed! - Thank you.

465. Miss Richburg, get out of my courtroom!

466. Your Honor, I-I-I really can dance.

467. Look at this. Here we go. Here we go.

468. Whoa!

469. Mother of God, my spine!

470. Oh! Oh!

471. I'm not kidding this time, I, uh..

472. I can't feel my legs.

473. I can't feel my legs.

474. Well, maybe we should give her a hand.

475. - Yeah. - Let's do it.

476. Aah!

477. Peace.

478. The honorable judge Lakreisha.

479. The honorable go-judge..

480. The honorable judge Le... keisha.

481. Lakreisha. Lashanda.

482. The honorable judge Lekeisha Lashanda Jackson.

483. Lekeisha Roshanda.

484. What did I say?

485. Bent dawg.