The Jamie Foxx Show 1x2

1. Bryant Gumbel, if you don't..

2. Hey, little partner, how you doin'?

3. - You need a room or somethin'? - No, sir.

4. My name is Sean and I was wonderin'

5. if you'd like to buy a box of candy

6. to help keep kids like me off the streets and outta gangs.

7. See, that's what I'm takin' about, a young brother

8. got his head on straight trying to do the right thing.

9. Of course I'll buy a package of your..

10. Nups.

11. Look here, uh, how much they cost, man?

12. - Just $20. - Just $20?

13. Man, you get your little Happy Meal eatin' right out..

14. Jamie, what are you doin'?

15. I'm about throw this little hustler out on the street.

16. He tried to sell me a packet of Nups for 20 bones.

17. - Twenty dollars? - Twenty bones.

18. - Is that all? Here. - Thank you, miss.

19. Your efforts will not go unrecognized.

20. Hey, hey, hey. You'd better recognize.

21. How can you sit up here and let this little hustler

22. come in here and hustle you like that?

23. Talkin' about stay out of gangs

24. so he's probably in a gang hisself.

25. West side!

26. See how easy that is for him?

27. Yeah, well, a real man supports kids

28. that are tryin' to better themselves.

29. I love kids.

30. Well, you know.. Hey, uh, damn.

31. I-I think, I love kids too.

32. I wanna have at least, shoot... two kids.

33. Oh, no. I want at least five.

34. Three, four, five. Let a brother finish.

35. - Really? - 'Yeah, yeah, really.'

36. As a matter of fact, what I was about to do was

37. I was about to buy all of Shawn's Nups.

38. - All of 'em? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of 'em.

39. Yo, fellas, bring in the rest.

40. That'll be $1700.

41. - Oh, hey, Braxton. - Morning, Francesca.

42. - So, how was your weekend? - It was nice.

43. I did a little shopping on Melrose

44. a little reading, how was yours?

45. Ah, the weekend was fine, but..

46. I'm having an ugly mornin'.

47. Yeah, I can see that it's written all over your face.

48. Alright, forget the mornin', how was your weekend?

49. I was layin' out everything

50. because I have splotches on my back—

51. Jamie! Jamie! I was talking to Braxton.

52. Oh.

53. My bad.

54. I, uh, I spent the weekend with my nephew.

55. Oh, that is so nice of you. You know what?

56. We need more men like you, Braxton.

57. 'Oh.'

58. So, what did you do this weekend, Jamie?

59. Throw rocks at cars?

60. Was that your Pinto I hit on the 405?

61. - Hey, everybody. - 'Hi.'

62. Hey, where are y'all comin' from

63. looking like a singing group

64. Ashford and Ashy?

65. You keep that up and we'll be singin'

66. ain't no nephew like the one I shot.

67. Alright, now, you got me on that one.

68. I just had to get this picture of Junior framed.

69. 'Wasn't he cute?'

70. Yeah, they said I was the prettiest baby in the hospital.

71. Yeah, the question is, a baby what?

72. So, what are y'all doin'?

73. Uh, Braxton was telling us about his nephew.

74. Hey, you should bring him by sometime

75. maybe the three of us can, uh, do somethin'.

76. Oh, I'd, I'd like that.

77. Then it's a date.

78. Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, I mean

79. before you run off..

80. I, I got a kid myself.

81. Jamie! Junior, you better say somethin' to your nephew.

82. Jamie, I'm shocked.

83. What does the mother look like?

84. No, you see, it ain't really like..

85. It ain't really like that.

86. But you said you have a kid.

87. Yeah, I mean, I have a kid, but I mean, I'm..

88. I ain't really the father.

89. I mean, the kid thinks that I am the one

90. but the kid ain't my son.

91. Are you talkin' about one of those Big Brother programs?

92. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about, The Big Brother..

93. Right, right. The Big Brother program.

94. That's exactly what I'm talkin' about, thank you.

95. That's really great, Jamie, uh..

96. doin' something positive for the kids, cool.

97. Right, right, right, you know, it's, it's the least..

98. that I could do.

99. So, uh, when can I meet him?

100. Wha.. Oh, me.. Oh, yeah.

101. Uh, whenever you wanna meet him.

102. Well, since you have the rest of the day off

103. how about today?

104. Today, today. Yeah, well, cool, you know.

105. I mean, that ain't a problem

106. that ain't, that ain't no problem.

107. Hey, look here, bro, I got a problem.

108. I need to get a kid.

109. Oh, yeah, Jamie, that's kind of a sensitive topic with me.

110. I haven't been with a woman in five years.

111. Yeah, well, what happened to her?

112. Did she pop and fly away?

113. Who told you about that?

114. Oh, man, I was just jokin' with you.

115. Look, I don't need a kid like that

116. I need to like, sponsor a kid or something..

117. Oh, like Big Homies over on Crenshaw.

118. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

119. Yeah, that's right.

120. Big Homies on Crenshaw, right?

121. Big Homies, that sound cool. Let's roll over there.

122. Uh, yeah, yeah, about that, Jamie.

123. See, we've been, uh, rollin' here for a while

124. and, uh, you have yet to kick in any

125. of these rollin' expenses.

126. For example, gas money, uh, hair care products.

127. Yeah, alright.

128. - Well, you got change for a 20? - I certainly do.

129. Well, cool, then you don't need this $5, let's roll.

130. Thank you, sir. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

131. Whoo.

132. Da-ta-da.

133. Oh, ouch.

134. Ooh. Ow. Ooh.

135. I like it rough, yeah.

136. Auntie, look, I want you to meet my little homie. This is Nelson.

137. He gonna be hanging out with me since I got the day off.

138. Oh, look at you. You are so adorable.

139. Thank you, ma'am.

140. Oh, now, now, none of that ma'am stuff.

141. You just call me Aunt Helen.

142. Now, how would you like it if Aunt Helen gets you

143. a big glass of milk and cookies?

144. - Is that okay, Jamie? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

145. Eat till your teeth fall out.

146. - Jamie.. - Oh, yeah.

147. No, no, he's gotta have strong teeth and everything

148. so he can grow up and be a big-time

149. you know actor-singer like myself

150. 'cause I got what, little homie?

151. - You got skills, big homie. - That's what I'm talkin' about.

152. Those milk and cookies are comin' right up.

153. Jamie, can we go to the circus?

154. What we gotta go to the circus for, man?

155. We got plenty of clowns right here.

156. Hey there, little fella.

157. I am impressed, a young child like yourself

158. looking after a mentally challenged adult like Jamie.

159. Hey, who might this little guy be?

160. This little guy is Nelson.

161. Hi, Nelson.

162. Oh, you are so cute.

163. Thank you. Oh, oh, you're talking about..

164. Oh, come on. Can I?

165. - Alright, yeah. - Uh..

166. - Mm-hmm. - Uh..

167. Jamie. Jamie. The hug's over.

168. Oh, you just wanted a regular old hug.

169. I thought you wanted a hug, you know?

170. Stop it.

171. I see what you're doin'.

172. Where is your conscience?

173. Oh, my conscience? I left it right here.

174. - What's up, unc? - You got it, Jamie.

175. Hey, who is this little cat?

176. My name is Nelson, sir.

177. You must be Mr. King.

178. Hey, Jamie, his teeth don't look fake.

179. Hey, easy.

180. Say, little man, maybe later on we can play some cards.

181. - Cool. - How much money you got?

182. 'Junior, that toilet is still backed up in 227'

183. 'and stop tryin' to con that kid.'

184. That woman is always ear-hustling, man.

185. Look, I'm gonna catch you later, okay?

186. Jamie, let's go outside and play catch, man.

187. Oh, man, no, I think we can stay in here

188. and play catch because the scenery

189. is so good in here, Why don't you go deep.

190. Yeah, go ahead, go deep.

191. Go deeper, baby, there you go.

192. Deeper, there you go, there.

193. No more pass interference.

194. Hey, uh..

195. What do you think about the little homie?

196. Oh, I think he's so sweet

197. and I think you'd make a great dad.

198. And I think you'd make a great dad happy and tired.

199. Hey, Jamie, want me to go deep again?

200. Hey, I'm trying to go deep myself.

201. If you know what I mean?

202. Jamie, you're so silly.

203. Why don't the three of us get together

204. and go to a movie later?

205. It'll be cool if you wanna hang out with us you know later on.

206. Alright, cool. I'll see you later.

207. Alright, I'll see you later.

208. Oh... Jamie.

209. I know what you're doin'.

210. What are you talkin' about, bro?

211. You're using me to get at Fancy.

212. Oh, come on now, mind your business now.

213. Mind your business.

214. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

215. It's all good.

216. We're homies.

217. You can use me.

218. But if you're gonna use me, I have a list of demands

219. I have to make for my own self.

220. Nothin' big.

221. See, Jamie, I'm a reasonable kid.

222. I don't ask for much.

223. Now, how about callin' up room service

224. and ordering me some chili cheese fries?

225. And, uh, get somethin' for yourself.

226. Now you want me to run down and get you some

227. chili cheese fries?

228. Is there an echo in here?

229. I want some chili cheese fries.

230. Now, make it happen, cap'n.

231. I'm about to make my foot—

232. Ah, ah, ah.

233. If you do, I'll have you locked up so long

234. when you get out you'll be buyin' toys

235. for my grandkids.

236. Now..

237. where's the rest of the stuff on my list?

238. You done lost your little mind.

239. You're not acting like a regular old kid, see.

240. You're not acting like a kid

241. that, that somebody has bought them

242. some brand new Air Jordans.

243. Man, you got me new Air Jordans?

244. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you the new Air Jordans

245. but you gotta acting right.

246. If you act right, you can get the new Air Jordans.

247. Until then, say goodbye.

248. Now, this 40-ounce slurpee done went bad on a brother.

249. So, I'm about to go get my release on..

250. but when I get back

251. you better have your attitude changed.

252. I better?

253. No, he better watch his back.

254. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

255. Oh, God.

256. What's wrong, Fancy?

257. I'm looking for my diary.

258. It's a little red book.

259. Oh, you mean the kind like Jamie has?

260. Jamie? I didn't know he kept a diary.

261. Really, that's strange because you wrote somethin' in it.

262. What are you talkin' about, Nelson?

263. You know the part about how you dreamed

264. you were on an desert island naked with Denzel?

265. He took my diary? I'm gonna kill him.

266. - Where is he? - I don't know.

267. Last I saw him, he was workin' on Braxton's computer.

268. You won't believe what somebody did to the computer.

269. What?

270. I was doin' an occupancy rate report

271. and when I opened the computer files

272. they were all deleted.

273. Oh, well, um, see y'all later.

274. Well, I heard Jamie was working on the computer all day.

275. - He was what? - Workin' on the computer.

276. - He doesn't have authority.. - He took my diary.

277. Hey, now, what's goin' on?

278. Mrs. King, Jamie took my diary.

279. And he deleted all the hotel files from the computer.

280. I don't want anybody touching my personal property.

281. He's trying to get me fired.

282. Wait! Wait! Wait!

283. Now, I know you can't be talkin' about my Jamie.

284. Come on, lets get back to work.

285. Helen, I'm missing a whole new box of Cuban cigars

286. and I think I know who took them. Jamie.

287. - That could be anybody's watch. - Let me see.

288. Fauxlex?

289. It's definitely Jamie's.

290. Junior, I know you are not suggesting

291. that Jamie took your cigars.

292. Why else would his watch be in our room

293. next to a pair of scissors and this wig?

294. Uh-uh! Not my Sunday go-to-meetin' wig.

295. Give it here, I'll kill him.

296. 'I cannot believe.. Where is he?'

297. - There he is. - Boy, I'm gonna hurt you.

298. 'I cannot believe you did this to my wig.'

299. 'You stole my Cubans.'

300. Hold on. Hold on. Hey, man, I don't know what's goin' on.

301. I don't know, I can't fathom.

302. But I know it's somethin' about me

303. you're blamin' me for somethin', we're supposed to be tight.

304. Tighter than the "Addams Family."

305. Ain't that right, Lurch?

306. Jamie, this is not synthetic hair, this is human hair.

307. Come, come get in.

308. 'What's up, J?'

309. I've been expectin' you.

310. You know, these Cubans ain't half bad.

311. What, oh, my bad. You wanna hit the Philly?

312. Yo, man, what the hell is wrong with you?

313. You know what this is?

314. If you would've played by the rules

315. everything would be all good.

316. You got three sixes on the back of your head?

317. Get on up, you're gonna march right downstairs

318. and you gonna tell them the truth, little Damien.

319. I don't think so, little homie don't play that.

320. Now, either give me what I want

321. or I'll go downstairs and tell everybody

322. I saw you do it.

323. Yeah, like somebody gonna believe you.

324. Oh, who could deny this sweet little face?

325. Now, hold on, man. Hold on, now.

326. Let's squash all this madness.

327. We supposed to be homies, right?

328. I went out and I splurged.

329. And I'd got you the Jordans.

330. True that. True that. You did get me the Air Jordans.

331. But now I want Michael

332. to deliver them to me personally.

333. Man, I don't even know Michael Jordan's phone number.

334. That's not my problem.

335. Oh, and one more thing.

336. I think I'm gonna need a woman.

337. Oh, now you think you need a woman now, huh?

338. You don't even know what to do with a woman.

339. And as my brother.

340. Besides, if you leave her here long enough..

341. I will figure it out.

342. Hey, look, y'all are all here, listen.

343. I wanted to let y'all know..

344. Hey, where you goin'? Oh, now, come on. Don't be like this.

345. I wanted to let you know that

346. Nelson is behind all of this stuff.

347. Come on, Jamie, now you're gonna blame

348. that poor little kid?

349. - I thought you were a real man. - 'What?'

350. And I thought you were a loser.

351. And I was right.

352. Oh, man, who cares what you think, Jack Asston.

353. Hey, auntie, uncle, whoo!

354. Glad you guys are still here, at least you know

355. that a brother just wouldn't do something like this.

356. You know, this is crazy.

357. Sure.

358. Need a light, brother?

359. See, that's what I'm talkin' about

360. he'd took your cigars and I took them from him

361. he got one in on me but I was like

362. you know, tryin' to get the cigar from him

363. because secondhand smoke is really bad for my hair

364. and I was like..

365. Y'all ain't buyin' none of this, huh?

366. Well, listen, don't run off from a brother.

367. At least hear my story, man.

368. I'm tryin' to let you know I was set up.

369. Hey, hey, Jamie

370. How's it goin' with that little homie

371. I set you up with?

372. Is he helpin' you score points with Fancy?

373. I can't score no points, brother, I'm in foul trouble.

374. I mean, this ain't no ordinary kid.

375. Somethin' wrong with him.

376. He's crazy.

377. All I'm sayin' is, if he keep messing with me

378. he gonna end up on the back of a milk carton.

379. "Have you seen me?"

380. Oh, jeez, you know, I, I am sorry, Jamie.

381. I mean, I can't help but think this is just..

382. It's all my fault.

383. - Well, I'm gonna see you later. - No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

384. Listen, listen, listen, we've gotta catch him, right?

385. Now, I got a video camera.

386. I ain't gonna tell you what I do with that, but..

387. If I could catch him on the video camera

388. then that way I could prove my innocence.

389. - Oh, is that all? - That's all.

390. That's no problem.

391. Yep, he kicked my ass.

392. - Man, this is terrible. - No, it's just my eye—

393. No, no, I'm talkin' about my camera.

394. - I spent $200 on this. - Hey, what about me?

395. Yeah, yeah, you too. Check this.

396. I cannot believe you let that little boy punk you.

397. The Boy? That, that is not a boy. He is the antichrist.

398. Yeah, I will see you in hell, kid.

399. That was pretty smart of you

400. sending a white boy in with a camera.

401. But I knew he was up to somethin'

402. because the man's always trying to catch

403. a brother slippin'.

404. That's how they got Marion Barry.

405. You know what?

406. I gotta hand it to you, little brother.

407. You ain't no joke.

408. That's right, and you got an hour to get me a GI Joe

409. with a kung fu grip or else I'm torchin' the place.

410. Well, I guess you just gotta do what you got to do then, huh?

411. 'Cause I don't care.

412. They fired me. Hope you're happy.

413. What? You got fired?

414. I didn't mean to get you fired.

415. I was just playin'.

416. I know, man.

417. It's crazy, it's crazy.

418. They let me go, man.

419. I don't know where I'm gonna go

420. what I'm gonna do.

421. I guess I gotta take you back to Big Homies now.

422. - What about my stuff? - What about your stuff?

423. You gets nothin'.

424. I gotta take all this stuff back

425. so I can have some money

426. so I can get back to Texas.

427. Oh, Lord.

428. Well, I know, uh, you guys are kinda

429. you know, mad at me, that's cool.

430. But at least y'all could say bye to Nelson.

431. - Bye, Nelson. - Take care, Nelson.

432. Nelson, you are welcome to come back here any time

433. because we really enjoyed you, honey.

434. - Really? - Mm-hmm.

435. Cool. Well, let's roll.

436. Look, I have somethin' to tell everybody.

437. Well, it was me who did all that bad stuff

438. not Jamie.

439. - What? - 'What?'

440. You're the one that took my cigars?

441. Yes, sir, it was me.

442. They're pretty good, don't you think?

443. Honey.

444. Why would you do such things

445. to people that care about you?

446. I just did it to get attention from Jamie.

447. I look up to him.

448. Y'all better recognize.

449. He's everything I wanna be.

450. - Cool. - 'Yeah.'

451. - 'Good lookin'.' - Uh-huh.

452. He's the best big homie I ever had.

453. - 'Oh, honey.' - Hey, hey, hey.

454. Don't cut him off. Let him go on.

455. Look, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

456. You tryin' to get all up on a brother now, huh?

457. Alright, how can I make it up to you, Jamie?

458. Well, uh, while I was out

459. I picked up this little bathing suit, you wanna put it on?

460. What?

461. Girl, this is Versace. You better move some.

462. See, it's all my fault.

463. Please don't fire Jamie.

464. Fire him?

465. Yeah, Jamie said that you fired him.

466. We would never fire Jamie, he knows that.

467. Oh, so you tried to play a player, huh?

468. Hey, look here, man, I been playing, you know

469. before you know, before you was even here.

470. I'm a grown man now. I ain't no kid.

471. You're right.

472. I guess I don't deserve anything for all the stuff

473. I did to everybody.

474. Oh.

475. I'll be leaving now.

476. Good, now we got his little ass out—

477. Jamie, go..

478. Hold on. Alright, alright, alright.

479. Look, look, Nelson, man.

480. Look, we got a good thing going and everything.

481. We just go upstairs

482. have a little race car track, and get a rematch goin'.

483. Right, little homie?

484. - Right, big homie. - Yeah, that's what I'm talking.

485. - Aw, that's so sweet. - I know what you mean, girl.

486. - Come here. - Stop it.

487. Let it happen. Let it happen.

488. Anyway, I think I should take him upstairs take some time out

489. and you know, share with him the knowledge that I have.

490. Huh! That shouldn't take long.

491. No, no, I got this one, big homie.

492. You just chill, man.

493. - You got yours, man. - Hey, hey, hey..

494. That's what I'm talkin' about, boy. Yeah.

495. Ha ha. Uh!

496. Hey, Jamie, wanna hear what Fancy

497. wrote in her diary, yesterday?

498. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You still have her diary?

499. Yeah, I know I should give it back.

500. The hell you should.

501. What does it say?

502. It said..

503. O-o-oh.

504. My mama said I can't say those words.

505. Let's just say the girl

506. got skills, big homie.

507. Bad dog.