The IT Crowd 1x6

Directed by Graham Linehan

Chris Morris as Denholm Reynholm • Frances Barber as Doctor Mendall • Peter Serafinowicz as Newsreader (voice) • Nigel Martin Davey as Doodles - the Cleaner • Noel Fielding as Richmond

Roy and Moss get the same symptoms as Jen when it's her time of the month.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All right!

2. All right. Yes. Okay.

3. Okay.

4. I know you want a party

5. but I have to say thank you to a few people

6. after what has been a momentous week

7. for this company.

8. Project Icarus

9. has increased our productivity tenfold.

10. Every department is working at three times the usual speed

11. due to the increased interconnectivity

12. of our computer system.

13. How can I talk about all that computer stuff,

14. all of that

15. computer gobblydigook

16. without saying a word about the lawyers.

17. They cut the red tape,

18. they cut the red tape.

19. They cut the red tape. Come on.

20. Yes.

21. That's enough

22. and when you're talking about computers,

23. how can you fail to mention Accounts.

24. Yes.

25. He's building up to us, he must be.

26. And finally, last but not least.

27. Champagne.

28. These three people

29. proved time and again

30. that they have the right stuff.

31. The toilet cleaners.

32. Face it, we couldn't do it

33. toilet cleaning would be inefficient.

34. Dirk, Banhead and Doodles proved them wrong.

35. Toilets!

36. That's right, Doodles.

37. Where are you going?

38. They do this every time.

39. They never remember us.

40. We did the work.

41. You did all the work.

42. Why would we go to the thank you party?

43. We weren't thanked.

44. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

45. Have you tried sticking it your arse?

46. Oh, yes,

47. yes, I just realised that was my mother.

48. Oh, I was really looking forward to that, you know.

49. I'm glad the toilet guys got the nod though.

50. have you been to the toilets on 12?

51. It's like going on holiday

52. and I try not to go at home now,

53. Oh, Jesus, will you please do something about that poster.

54. What poster? Oh, bloody drawer.

55. That one, the one with the monkey it's horrible.

56. The monkey? What's wrong with the monkey?

57. He's a lovely little monkey. What's he doing in goal?

58. Not that monkey. That monkey.

59. Oh, right, that is a bit frightening.

60. Anyway I'd better fix this drawer.

61. Moss, do you have the hammer?

62. Oh, you're not listening to me,

63. I hate it when people don't listen to me.

64. Oh, god. What was that?

65. Like someone's killing a cat.

66. A kind of shouty cat.

67. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

68. I'm just a little bit you know, you know.

69. What?

70. Well, I've got you know at the moment so...

71. What?

72. I've got Aunt Irma visiting.

73. Do you not like Aunt Irma, I've got an aunt like that.

74. It's my term for my time of the month.

75. Oh!

76. What time of the month? The weekend?

77. Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?

78. Moss!

79. You know it's high tide.

80. - But we're not on the coast. - Moss!

81. I'm closed for maintenance.

82. - Closed for maintenance. - Moss.

83. I've fallen to the communists.

84. Well, they do have some strong arguments.

85. Carrie, Moss. First scene in Carrie.

86. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

87. No, no.

88. Yeah, no.

89. Yeah, you know, people tell me

90. I'm not great during this time, so I thought I should warn you.

91. Right, not great in what way?

92. I'm not great to be around, so try not to get on my nerves.

93. Hey, I've had a few girlfriends

94. I'm not completely oblivious.

95. You won't even know I'm here.

96. Okay.

97. Oh, when this is working the action on it's so great.

98. Look at that, so smooth.

99. Stop doing that.

100. Oh, my god, sorry, sorry.

101. But you see what I mean you have to be careful.

102. I'll be careful.

103. Has she gone yet?

104. Yes.

105. What was all that about?

106. Oh, dear me, ladies. God bless them.

107. What would we do without them.

108. With their ways.

109. Their mysterious seasons,

110. the moon, Glenn Close, Sheena Easton,

111. all of the different kinds of women.

112. Oh, smashing.

113. I can't believe there's a psychiatrist in the building.

114. just had enough of everything and wanted to go to the seaside.

115. The seaside? They committed suicide, Roy.

116. That's right, yes, of course.

117. Oh, because I said Jen was dead that time.

118. Oh, yeah, yeah that'll be it.

119. a severely disturbed person would do

120. and that now I have to spend a lot of time in therapy.

121. Oh, well, yes that's clearly terrific.

122. No, no that's bad. Why do you think that's great?

123. The psychiatrist is a very attractive lady.

124. I see. She's of the female...

125. A Doctor Melfy to your Tony Soprano.

126. She's a glamorous older woman.

127. Oh, the things you could learn from her.

128. Or from any woman?

129. Er, yeah, yeah Moss, Moss,

130. don't get on her nerves.

131. How would I get on her nerves?

132. Hello?

133. Shouldn't I be on the couch?

134. No Maurice not today.

135. I've got some good news.

136. I think you've turned a corner.

137. I'm not going on the couch?

138. You don't need me anymore, Moss.

139. Well, there's obviously nothing wrong with you

140. and I think you're ready now to do without our sessions.

141. But I've been feeling depressed.

142. Really? Why?

143. Because I'm pregnant.

144. What?

145. I mean I had a dream that I was pregnant.

146. Well, there's nothing unusual about that.

147. But when I have the baby I looked down

148. and saw that it was my father.

149. That's normal, Moss.

150. That's the maddest thing I could think of.

151. My mother? What if it had two heads?

152. Moss, listen I think you're fine

153. and there are other people here who need me more.

154. But I've been having dark thoughts.

155. Dark thoughts?

156. Yes, thoughts about dark things.

157. What sort of dark things?

158. Things that are dark.

159. Like what?

160. Darkness. Night.

161. Things of the night.

162. Dracula.

163. You haven't been thinking about self harm?

164. Self harm, yes. Harm, harm of the self.

165. Suicide?

166. For starters, yes.

167. Moss, I do not think that you are suicidal.

168. I tell you I'm at the end of my flipping tether.

169. It's not like you to use that sort of language.

170. - Flip off. - Moss!

171. Oh, for God's sake.

172. Yes.

173. Roy!

174. I may be speaking louder at the moment

175. because I'm wearing earplugs.

176. Why are you wearing ear plugs?

177. That's right.

178. What's this contraption?

179. Oh, er,

180. I'm stealing food from this machine.

181. You know I do.

182. Oh, by the way, Roy,

183. your work on Project Icarus was very good.

184. Well, done, you did a great job, thanks.

185. What's wrong with you?

186. Oh, my god, you're crying.

187. I'm not crying, you're crying.

188. What's wrong?

189. Will you stop getting at me, you're always getting at me.

190. I'm not getting at you. Stop shouting at me.

191. Why are these always so hard to open.

192. Oh, my God!

193. Calm down everybody.

194. What on earth is going on?

195. I don't know, I feel weird.

196. I've been swearing like a flipping docker.

197. Denholm just thanked me for Project Icarus

198. and I started crying like an actress.

199. Maybe it's all this stuff that you both eat.

200. Oh, will you get off that.

201. Smarties cereal.

202. Oh, my god.

203. I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.

204. They don't, it's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

205. Case closed.

206. It's too much sugar that's all.

207. No, no hold on now.

208. I basically live on sugar

209. and we've never had these problems before.

210. Well, the only other explanation is

211. no, no it's silly.

212. Well, I feel ridiculous even saying it,

213. but where I worked before

214. it was me and a few other girls

215. and whenever Aunt Irma was visiting me,

216. we all kind of synchronised.

217. What's that got to do with us?

218. - Well... - You think...?

219. - Well, maybe. - You're not saying...

220. Whoa. You don't think that Aunt Irma's visiting us?

221. The symptoms, Roy.

222. I am a man. He's a man, we're men.

223. Okay, okay. Tell me how you're feeling?

224. I feel delicate

225. and annoyed and um,

226. I think I'm ugly.

227. That's her.

228. I've never heard anything so bizarre in my life.

229. and it's not fair, it's not fair.

230. You don't believe this theory, do you?

231. No.

232. Oh, it's nonsense, isn't it?

233. She's so silly. Sugar!

234. Yeah.

235. What?

236. That's not what's causing it.

237. You think it's Irma?

238. Yes, don't you?

239. No. I'm a man. We're men!

240. it's the scientific breakthrough of the afternoon.

241. It's not true.

242. Don't worry I wasn't about to look foolish

243. so I've sent an e-mail out asking everyone's opinions.

244. Right. Well, that's a good idea.

245. I've sent it to everyone in my address book.

246. You should have one.

247. What? Do we have PMT?

248. You sent this out.

249. Oh, you signed it from both of us.

250. You signed it from both of us.

251. Yes, along with a list of symptoms.

252. Headachy. Weight gain. Irritability. Anxiety.

253. Breast tenderness?

254. I get that, don't you?

255. Yes, but you cannot tell

256. the entire I.T. community that we have PMT.

257. Oh, wait a second they would, wouldn't they?

258. Oh, no!

259. There's probably a whole web site devoted to us already.

260. Oh, I only posted it about an hour ago.

261. Google our names.

262. Oh, no.

263. What are we going to do?

264. I don't know.

265. Come on, it's my turn with the bottle.

266. sorry I always forget you work here.

267. Yes, I wouldn't normally come out this far,

268. only can you have a word with Moss and Roy.

269. Ever since they got famous

270. they've been at each other's throats.

271. They're famous?

272. Yes, Google their names.

273. How many entries do they have?

274. Thousands.

275. Moss's e-mail is spreading like a virus.

276. They've unleashed a monster with that Aunt Irma business.

277. Yes, Richmond, tell me.

278. How come Aunt Irma isn't affecting you.

279. I've been feeling very gloomy all day.

280. Not my usual cheery self at all.

281. Yeah, I guess it's just difficult to tell

282. underneath all that make up.

283. I'm not wearing make up.

284. They're driving me out of my tiny little mind.

285. Guys, you're going to have to...

286. Oh, my goodness. What happened to your face?

287. We had an argument.

288. My god have you seen this. What's happening?

289. The rioting has been going on

290. all night.

291. The men involved are young,

292. angry and almost all of them worked with computers.

293. This is insane, I mean what's going on?

294. In Tokyo, two games designers went

295. on the rampage in a shopping centre

296. and frightened a dog.

297. In Hamburg, a group of software developers

298. shouted at a bus.

299. The situation is completely out of...

300. And it's all because of Aunt Irma.

301. You shouldn't have sent out that e-mail

302. detailing the symptoms.

303. and easily swayed I.T. people are.

304. That's not true.

305. You shouldn't have sent that e-mail, Moss.

306. Oh, don't blame me.

307. It's your fault.

308. Guys.

309. Guys, come on you're fighting,

310. it's like you're in a trance.

311. This isn't us, we never fight.

312. We have to do something.

313. Yeah, whatever.

314. I'm going in.

315. I never thought it would come to this.

316. She's the only one that's had direct contact with Irma.

317. If we can just calm her down then we can hope and pray

318. that everybody else calms down too.

319. You've got big balls, Roy.

320. Thanks.

321. You're very welcome.

322. I can never find a bloody pen round here.

323. How's my soldier.

324. What do you want?

325. I just came in for a little chat.

326. Wow, you are looking good today.

327. Oh, thank you.

328. Yeah, I try and stay in shape you know.

329. Oh, and your hair looks great.

330. New conditioner.

331. The action on this is great.

332. Oh, hello.

333. Hello, Maurice,

334. I've a little confession to make.

335. As you may or may not know for ethical reasons

336. I'm required not to have any relations

337. with any of my patients.

338. But for the last few months

339. I've been developing some warm feelings towards you.

340. And the real reason I terminated your therapy

341. was so that I could explore some of these feelings.

342. I see.

343. Jen, I was just wondering.

344. When you were working in your old job

345. if things ever got on top of you what would you to do relax?

346. We'd have a big girls night out.

347. I'd love that actually, a big girly night out.

348. Fat chance of that round here.

349. Not necessarily.

350. Mum?

351. This is my psychiatrist.

352. I'm sorry, it's just that you look exactly like my mother.

353. No, no, but don't be offended by that

354. she's a very sexy woman.

355. Not that I would want to have sex with her.

356. I know that that's what you psychiatrists think

357. but I swear to God that there's nothing to it

358. in my case.

359. You know my mother wouldn't stand

360. for any of that kind of nonsense.

361. I can just hear her now

362. "what are you doing, Roy? What are you doing."

363. You handled that well.

364. That's the psychiatrist?

365. Yes, I think she's my girlfriend now.

366. Whoa no, Moss, listen to me,

367. you can never see that woman again

368. she looks exactly like my mother.

369. Oh, stop it you're exaggerating.

370. She's the spit of her.

371. Oh, come on. What went on in there?

372. Right, okay,

373. what would you say to a big girls night out?

374. How big are the girls?

375. I can't believe I'd never seen Steel Magnolias.

376. Oh, my god, it's good, isn't it?

377. I know what we can watch next. Yeah.

378. You really liked that film?

379. Yes, didn't you?

380. No! It was heartwarming.

381. Well, I feel like a princess Roy

382. and don't tell me you don't feel the same.

383. Well, my breast tenderness has gone.

384. No, what am I talking about.

385. It's the worst night of my life.

386. Hi, you.

387. Okay, Beaches

388. or Dirty Dancing.

389. Oh, Beaches, no Dirty Dancing,

390. Oh, I can't decide.

391. Dear god! Dear god!

392. I don't know which one to watch either.

393. Oh, hey but you know what we should do?

394. - What? - Something else.

395. Um, oh, I know why don't we go to the thank you party.

396. Well, you know everybody else is there

397. and they did nothing and we did all the work.

398. Yeah. Screw them.

399. Yeah. Screw them.

400. Okay, come on let's go, girls.

401. Yeah.

402. Okay, but first ten minutes of Beaches.

403. Yes.

404. Oh, wow.

405. I asked Doctor Mendall to join us.

406. What?

407. Moss. Over here.

408. What's wrong with you?

409. Nothing.

410. I, I really need to get drunk.

411. Yeah, I'd like to get drunk.

412. We should get drunk together then.

413. Okay, yeah.

414. We should get so drunk that we don't know

415. what's going on.

416. All right.

417. And turned round,

418. four dead cyclists, all my fault.

419. I.T. guys, gangway.

420. Oh, dear.

421. Oh, my god. I didn't. I didn't.

422. Good morning.

423. I've made you a cup of tea.

424. Oh, thanks, mum.

425. Mum?

426. That's interesting.