The IT Crowd 1x1

Directed by Graham Linehan

Chris Morris as Denholm Reynholm • John Willie Hopkins as Postman • Nancy Lodder as Office Girl • Laura Pyper as Laura • Pete Deagle as Office Worker

It's Jen's first day at Reynholm Industries and she is assigned the position of manager of the IT department. Roy and Moss quickly find out that she has absolutely no knowledge of computers whatsoever.

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1. Hope this doesn't embarrass you Jen

2. but I find the best thing to do with a new employee

3. is to size them up with a long hard stare.

4. - So! - So.

5. - First day? - Yes.

6. - Scary. - Yes.

7. Well, I'm not really scared.

8. - Well, don't be. - Make up your mind.

9. So here you are.

10. Yes, I'm really looking forward

11. to getting to grips with the...

12. I'm going to put you in I.T,

13. that you have a lot of experience with computers.

14. I did say that on my CV yes.

15. I've got lots of experience of the whole computer thing,

16. you know e-mails, sending e-mails,

17. receiving e-mails and deleting e-mails.

18. Um, I could go on.

19. Do.

20. The web.

21. Using mouse.

22. Mouses, using mice.

23. Um clicking, double clicking

24. the computer screen of course.

25. the bit that goes on the floor down there.

26. - The hard drive? - Correct.

27. Aha, well you certainly seem to know your stuff,

28. Got a good feeling about you Jen

29. and they need a new manager.

30. So the people I'll be working with, what are they like?

31. Standard nerds.

32. Hello I.T.

33. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

34. Okay well, the button on the side is it glowing?

35. Yeah you need to turn it on.

36. The button turns it on.

37. Yeah, yeah,

38. You do know how a button works, don't you?

39. No not on clothes.

40. Hello, I.T.

41. Yeah, aha.

42. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

43. No there you go I just heard it come on.

44. No, no that's the music you hear when it comes on.

45. No that's the music you hear when...

46. I'm sorry are you from the past?

47. You see the driver hooks the function

48. by patching the system call table,

49. unless another thread's about to jump in there

50. and do it's stuff and you don't want to end up

51. in the middle of invalid memory.

52. Hello?

53. Really, well why don't you come down here

54. and make me then.

55. I'm not afraid of you, you can come down here any time

56. and I'll be waiting for you.

57. That told her.

58. Oh, God it's about time you got back.

59. It's been all go.

60. You had a job?

61. Girl on fifth.

62. Did you and her hit it off?

63. Define hit it off?

64. Did she continue talking to you

65. once you'd fixed her computer?

66. No.

67. And while I was working on it

68. she rested a cup on my back.

69. No?

70. Yeah.

71. Yeah, I mean, they've no respect for us up there.

72. Yes, if there were such a thing as a drudgeon

73. that is what we'd be to them.

74. when there's a problem with their printer

75. They toss us away like yesterday's jam.

76. Yes. Yesterday's jam.

77. That is what we are to them.

78. You know what, that doesn't really work

79. as a thing.

80. Because jam lasts for ages.

81. Hello, I.T.

82. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

83. Unisex toilets.

84. You have unisex toilets.

85. Like Ally McBeal.

86. That's the sort of place this is, Jen.

87. A lot of sexy people not doing much work

88. and having affairs.

89. Wow.

90. Oh, my god look at that view.

91. I feel like I'm on top of the world.

92. Well, Jen this is where I leave you.

93. Floor 34.

94. Okay, where am I going?

95. All the way down to the basement.

96. Good luck.

97. Get out of the lift.

98. Get out of the lift.

99. Get out of the lift.

100. Get out of the lift.

101. Get out of the lift.

102. Get out of the lift.

103. Get out of the lift.

104. Get out of the lift.

105. Oh, won't be a sec.

106. Oh, my god.

107. Oh, my god.

108. Oh, god.

109. Okay.

110. Hello?

111. Hello?

112. Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said...

113. oh, it seems we have a visitor.

114. were just engaged in quite a serious discussion

115. about books and such.

116. We didn't hear you come in.

117. Wait a second, you said it was Tolstoy

118. Oh, never mind that now Maurice.

119. When have you read Tolstoy?

120. Shut up, Maurice.

121. Why are you speaking in that weird voice?

122. When did, I don't remember this conversation at all.

123. Don't let me disturb you I just wanted to...

124. Oh, don't be silly...

125. Many people come down here to visit.

126. What are you talking about?

127. Who comes down?

128. What people.

129. Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?

130. So what can we do you for?

131. I'm the new head of this department.

132. Is this my office?

133. Why?

134. What did she?

135. Did she just say what...

136. I am the head of this department.

137. I thought I was.

138. Well, it's one of us, certainly not her.

139. Roy you've got a head wound there.

140. Head wound...

141. I don't want to be rude or anything

142. but I wasn't informed of any changes

143. Oh, did they not tell you about me?

144. No, and we are perfectly fine down here

145. capable of taking care of ourselves.

146. Sure, sure.

147. You know, you're covered in blood.

148. Moss.

149. Amazon thingy.

150. I know what this is, it's the new Harry Potter.

151. I got the child edition and the adult edition

152. just to check that there are no differences in the text.

153. Sorry but I'm not going to be able to deal

154. with that woman.

155. Is nobody else going to get the phone,

156. I suppose I'll get it.

157. I'm going to have a little lie down.

158. Come in.

159. Yeah, Denholm, yeah, yeah,

160. no, no, no, no, no, no

161. they've been fine so far.

162. Yeah, I think we're going to get on great.

163. Yeah, I know.

164. All right then, no you take care.

165. All right, yeah, I will yeah.

166. Okay, okay take care.

167. Okay bye, bye.

168. Oh, so hello, what can I do you for—

169. what can I do for you?

170. Hello, I was just wondering

171. do you want me to connect up your phone?

172. No, no, no, no, no, no it's working.

173. Um, I was just talking to Denholm there.

174. But how?

175. Would you mind,

176. would you mind closing the door for me?

177. Oh, yeah sure.

178. Yeah from the other side.

179. Of course.

180. Like this?

181. That's it.

182. With me on the...

183. Thanks.

184. Oh!

185. Are you all right?

186. Oh, yes, Moss, I'm fine.

187. The nurse said I didn't do myself any serious damage.

188. I'm standing over here.

189. I know, I know I'm joking.

190. Well, I just went in and she was having

191. a pretend conversation.

192. Yes, she's a little bit weird to say the least.

193. What's that?

194. Sometimes I get a hot ear and this helps cool it down.

195. She's quite the oddball.

196. Did you notice how she didn't even get excited

197. when she saw this original ZX81?

198. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything

199. about computers.

200. What?

201. Oh, don't worry, that's why I always make two cups of tea.

202. Anyway what were we talking about?

203. Oh, her not knowing anything about computers.

204. What?

205. We definitely want to get rid of her.

206. Agreed, yeah.

207. Okay, so here's the plan.

208. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses.

209. Okay, hit me.

210. Okay, we go in.

211. When?

212. You know, like in a minute.

213. Will that be enough time for me

214. to get to know the plan?

215. Yeah, you know what,

216. I shouldn't have used the word 'plan'.

217. I've clearly gotten you over excited.

218. Would 'scheme' be a better word?

219. Although that's just as exciting,

220. I might even need these.

221. All I was going to say was, um we go in,

222. I make up a load of bollocks about computers

223. and we'll see if she picks up on it.

224. Yes, I can see why you didn't want to use

225. the word 'plan'.

226. Let me do the talking.

227. All right.

228. Okay, we need to get this right, yeah.

229. We need to stay calm.

230. We do not want to go in there half cocked.

231. Hang on, guys.

232. Well, we were just wondering now that you're the 'boss'.

233. Would you like us to access the data supplier

234. and connect you up to the matrix?

235. You just made all that up.

236. You don't know anything about computers, admit it.

237. Will you stop trying to undermine me.

238. Now get in there and do some work

239. to do with computers.

240. I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you.

241. Okay, lady, you've won this round.

242. But we can wait.

243. You will slip up on day believe you me.

244. There will be some piece of evidence

245. that you don't know anything about computers.

246. What are you doing?

247. Plugging in your computer.

248. It might be something you say or something you do,

249. and believe me we will notice this.

250. It's going to be a long way down for you sweet cheeks.

251. He'll realise in a second.

252. Ah-hhh!

253. I cannot believe you're going to tell on me.

254. You're like a pair of horrible old women.

255. What did she say?

256. She said we're like horrible old women.

257. She didn't?

258. I hear you've got something to tell me.

259. Yes, well it's like this.

260. Look at you, my I.T. team.

261. Team players each and every one of you.

262. There's no room for people who can't act in a team

263. on my team.

264. Excuse me.

265. Hello?

266. Well, if you can't work as a team you're all fired.

267. That's it you heard me fired.

268. Get your things and go.

269. Hello, security?

270. Everyone on floor four is fired.

271. Escort them from the premises

272. Remember you're a team and if you can't act as a team

273. you're fired too!

274. Dawn

275. Get them to look for a security team

276. that can work as a team.

277. They may have to escort the current security team

278. from the building for not acting like a team.

279. Team.

280. Team, team.

281. Team, team. Team.

282. I even love saying the word team.

283. You probably think that's a picture of my family.

284. Uh, uh it's the A-Team.

285. Bodie, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellry Man,

286. the whole lot of them.

287. Well, it's just not working out!

288. He's joking.

289. But you said...

290. Not working out?

291. Oh no!

292. We are getting on like a big house on fire.

293. Yes.

294. My ear's getting hot.

295. You know what we should leave now

296. because you know you're a busy man

297. and we've taken up far too much of your time.

298. Jen could you just get the door for me there?

299. So why did you come here in the first place?

300. We set up a voice activation system

301. I think you're going to enjoy it.

302. on your on the voice, but none the less, go ahead.

303. Thank you very much, bye, bye.

304. Thank you.

305. How exciting.

306. Hello.

307. Hello computer.

308. Hello.

309. Hello.

310. Hello computer.

311. You obviously don't know anything about computers.

312. No but okay, but I can learn.

313. You know, I mean for example, Moss

314. you could take me through what you're doing right now.

315. I'd be delighted.

316. I'm just working on a very simple piece

317. of programming code...

318. I see.

319. Oh, god no I'm lying again.

320. I don't know anything about computers.

321. I mean I'm absolutely useless to you,

322. I might as well pack up and go home.

323. Hi, is Roy around?

324. Hello, there little lady.

325. Are you lost?

326. How can I help you?

327. I'm Roy.

328. You wanted me to come down, huh?

329. Well, here I am.

330. Oh, not the face!

331. Not the face!

332. Yes, well maybe this will teach you

333. to treat people with a little it of respect.

334. We spoke on the phone earlier.

335. Oh, my God are those Manolos?

336. Oh, yes,

337. Oh, they're gorgeous.

338. No, no, no got them in a sale.

339. I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain like that.

340. Oh, I'll give you a call.

341. - Nice to meet you. - Take care.

342. Nice meeting you.

343. Chairman, wow.

344. You just difused that entire situation.

345. What situation.

346. Er, oh that, yeah,

347. oh, my God does that happen a lot?

348. They're fairly regular the beatings, yes.

349. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.

350. Oh, it's not all that bad.

351. Oh, come on, Roy, it's, it's pretty bad.

352. Maybe I could help with this.

353. You know, I mean I am a people person

354. and people like you need a person to deal with people.

355. Oh, my god, ideas are coming, things are happening here.

356. Okay, okay what would you say yeah,

357. if I told you that I had a plan

358. to raise your profile upstairs

359. by one hundred percent, what would you say?

360. It can't be done, you're crazy.

361. What do you think, Roy?

362. Roy's passed out.

363. Okay, I need a felt tip pin and some paper.

364. No, no,

365. really, really it was a true story,

366. unbelievable.

367. I don't know why we don't go out

368. with you I.T. guys more often.

369. You're hilarious.

370. Yes, we are.

371. Well, you guys should come down here

372. You should see this as a new era

373. for Reynholm Industries.

374. New era for Reynholm Industries.

375. Oh, god do you know what if you want to

376. hear something really funny,

377. you should hear what happened to Moss and I

378. when we were so drunk in Amsterdam

379. that Moss lost his glasses.

380. Moss!

381. Moss!

382. Tell them that story about when we were drunk

383. in Amsterdam.

384. I'm just going to get another box of wine.

385. Well, go on then.

386. All right.

387. Well, one night we were really drunk.

388. Yeah.

389. And we were so drunk

390. that we decided to hire prostitutes.

391. we were too scared to do anything

392. so we brought them to a fair.

393. They were really nice.

394. In the end they only charged us half,

395. but we did have to pay for all the rides.

396. Ha, ha isn't that just the best story,

397. oh, no.

398. You told me never to tell that story to anyone.

399. Well, what are you talking about

400. Has he got to that part with the boat man?

401. Oh!

402. You mean the story where I lost my glasses.

403. Yes.

404. What story did you think I meant?

405. Moss?

406. What did you say?

407. What did you say?

408. It's all right for you two,

409. you're used to being social piranhas.

410. I'm a very popular person usually.

411. That girl earlier that tried to beat me

412. to death with her shoes.

413. Did anybody get her number?

414. That was a nice day at the fair, wasn't it?

415. With Brandy and Crystal.

416. Hello I.T.

417. Yeah, have you tried turning it off and on again?

418. Hello!

419. Hello!

420. Hello!

421. Hello!