1. And every other day,
I take a short helicopter rideCopy !req
2. to Heston Blumenthal's
restaurant.Copy !req
3. Last night,Copy !req
4. I ate a chocolate radio that
still worked in my stomach,Copy !req
5. and a flat chicken that was
actually a glass of water.Copy !req
6. Even the menu was edible.Copy !req
7. They said it wasn't,
but I ate it.Copy !req
8. Sounds like you're
living the life of Riley.Copy !req
9. Well, I actually knew Riley,
and yes, there are similarities.Copy !req
10. And yet, there is some
sadness in your life.Copy !req
11. Tell me about Victoria.Copy !req
12. You'll have to forgive me,
there's been quite a few Victorias.Copy !req
13. Your wife?Copy !req
14. Oh, my God, my wife,
oh yes, Victoria!Copy !req
15. What a fantastic woman.Copy !req
16. The two weeks we were
married were unforgettable.Copy !req
17. She disappeared in mysterious
circumstances, did she not?Copy !req
18. She vanished while
washing the car.Copy !req
19. Despite a search that lasted
nearly five hours, we found nothing.Copy !req
20. So naturally,
we assumed the worst.Copy !req
21. - You must miss her.
- More than words could say.Copy !req
22. I'd give anything to see her
walk through that door right now.Copy !req
23. Hey, why don't you
take your clothes off?Copy !req
24. - What?
- Come on!Copy !req
25. We both knew it was on the cards as
soon as I realised you were a woman!Copy !req
26. What if someone were to walk in?Copy !req
27. I left strict instructions not to
be disturbed in case we had sex.Copy !req
28. There's no way anyone is
walking through that door...Copy !req
29. Hello, Douglas.Copy !req
30. Victoria!Copy !req
31. But I thought you were dead!Copy !req
32. I must say, Douglas, you still
don't seem very pleased to see me.Copy !req
33. No, no, I must have eaten
some bad stereo system.Copy !req
34. - How's the wine?
- Exquisite.Copy !req
35. From the chef's own cellar.Copy !req
36. What are you doing, Victoria?
Last time I saw you, you were...Copy !req
37. Washing the car? Yes, I
imagine you have many questions.Copy !req
38. I was under a lot of stress that
day, Douglas. I think we both were.Copy !req
39. We both knew it wasn't working.Copy !req
40. I picked up my sponge and bucket
with a heavy heart that day.Copy !req
41. The rest is a blank. The next thing
I can remember with any clarityCopy !req
42. is being on a kayaking
holiday two years later.Copy !req
43. That looks good, what's that?Copy !req
44. I sort of wish I'd ordered that.Copy !req
45. Our invisible desserts
have arrived!Copy !req
46. I know we weren't happy that second
week of our marriage, Douglas,Copy !req
47. but give us another
chance, as a couple.Copy !req
48. I don't know.Copy !req
49. I don't think we can just
pick up from where we left off.Copy !req
50. No, Victoria, I'm sorry,
it's over.Copy !req
51. Oh God!Copy !req
52. I forgot you could do that.Copy !req
53. Maybe we should
give it another go!Copy !req
54. Nnngh...Copy !req
55. Well that is new!Copy !req
56. How are you doing that?Copy !req
57. That might be the dog.Copy !req
58. Heston!
I'd like to introduce you to my...Copy !req
59. Wi-I-I-ife.Copy !req
60. I want to divorce my wife.Copy !req
61. - Why are you telling me?
- Aren't you with legal?Copy !req
62. No.Copy !req
63. Remind me?Copy !req
64. IT. Relationship manager.Copy !req
65. Ah. Well then I probably shouldn't
have told you any of that.Copy !req
66. Anyway...Copy !req
67. I want to divorce
her right now.Copy !req
68. Now's too late.
Before now.Copy !req
69. In fact, I want to have already
divorced her, is that possible?Copy !req
70. Well, as I said,
I'm not a lawyer, so...Copy !req
71. Yes, but you're a relationship
manager, and this is a relationship!Copy !req
72. Well, erm...Copy !req
73. have you told her yet?Copy !req
74. Kind of. I changed my
Friendface profile from "married"Copy !req
75. to "it's complicated".Copy !req
76. That's not the same as
telling her, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
77. Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you?Copy !req
78. - No!
- Oh, come on!Copy !req
79. Please break up with my vanishing,
car cleaning wife!Copy !req
80. - I don't want to do it!
- I don't want to do it!Copy !req
81. I'll give you... I don't know...
£10,000.Copy !req
82. Who are you again?Copy !req
83. I'm Jen Barber.Copy !req
84. I'm with the IT department
at Reynholm Industries.Copy !req
85. Sorry, I thought I
was meeting my husband.Copy !req
86. Mr. Reynholm asked me to
convey a... a message to you.Copy !req
87. Mrs. Reynholm.Copy !req
88. How long have you and
Mr. Reynholm known each other?Copy !req
89. - About ten years.
- Ten years, ten wonderful years.Copy !req
90. Who are you?Copy !req
91. Mrs. Reynholm...
Can I call you Victoria?Copy !req
92. - No.
- Mrs. Reynholm.Copy !req
93. Sometimes there is a day
and then there is a night.Copy !req
94. Sometimes there is a morn,
and then there is an eve.Copy !req
95. Flowers grow,
trees are cut down,Copy !req
96. babies are born, but...Copy !req
97. Lawyers exist.Copy !req
98. What are you trying to say?Copy !req
99. Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.Copy !req
100. Let me guess. My husband
wants to leave meCopy !req
101. and he paid you a large amount of money to
spare him the embarrassment of facing me.Copy !req
102. Yes, but I'm not going to
take the money... I feel sick.Copy !req
103. Of course you do,
you're a normal person.Copy !req
104. You're not upset?Copy !req
105. No, because I'm not
a normal person.Copy !req
106. You see, what you're trying
to do here but can't...Copy !req
107. If the tables were turned,
I wouldn't find it difficult at all.Copy !req
108. In fact, it's how I
met his first wife.Copy !req
109. I didn't know these
were edible too.Copy !req
110. They're not.Copy !req
111. What's all that?Copy !req
112. I have to spend the
afternoon with Douglas.Copy !req
113. Somehow I've been drafted
into his legal eagle fantasy.Copy !req
114. Have you ever spent any
serious time with that man?Copy !req
115. He's unbelievable! You should
hear the way he talks about women.Copy !req
116. Oh yeah, he's some piece of work.
He's like a sexy Hitler.Copy !req
117. I mean, I don't expect
to put on a pedal stool,Copy !req
118. but please,
show a little respect!Copy !req
119. I'm sorry, you don't
expect to be put on a what?Copy !req
120. On a pedal stool.Copy !req
121. A pedal stool?Copy !req
122. What's a pedal stool?Copy !req
123. Oh, you know,
you put women on itCopy !req
124. when you admire them,
you know, the phrase.Copy !req
125. Oh yeah, the famous phrase,
"to be put on a pedal stool".Copy !req
126. "Pedestal"!Copy !req
127. What?Copy !req
128. "Pedestal" is the word!Copy !req
129. What's a "pedal stool"?Copy !req
130. Did you really think there was
such a thing as a pedal stool?Copy !req
131. Shut up,
everyone has blind spots.Copy !req
132. Can you help me sort through all
this legal crap, please, Moss?Copy !req
133. I'd rather not. I've not had good
experiences with the legal system.Copy !req
134. How come?Copy !req
135. Well, when I was 11, I broke the
patio window, and my mother sued me.Copy !req
136. She sued you?Copy !req
137. Yeah, to teach me a lesson.Copy !req
138. She's always been a very
aggressive litigator.Copy !req
139. Can you even do that,
can you sue your children?Copy !req
140. It was kind of a show
trial in the kitchen.Copy !req
141. She made a little
gallery for the cat.Copy !req
142. Aw... What happened?Copy !req
143. She won.Copy !req
144. I'm still paying costs.Copy !req
145. "Pedal stool"!Copy !req
146. 212 million quid!Copy !req
147. You can't be serious!Copy !req
148. Oh, we're quite serious,
Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
149. But that's enough to bring
Reynholm Industries to its knees!Copy !req
150. Bloody blast,
this is up my arse!Copy !req
151. That is the amount,
it is not up for negotiation.Copy !req
152. Balls from hell,
you shit-twins!Copy !req
153. Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
154. Bollocks to be telling me
to calm down, my old chap.Copy !req
155. She wants 220 titty million quid
and you tell me to calm down!Copy !req
156. You're fired.Copy !req
157. I'm not your lawyer.Copy !req
158. Piss off! I'm going
to represent myself.Copy !req
159. I'm not your lawyer.Copy !req
160. You sit there, all confident.Copy !req
161. Yeah? But when this goes to Court,
that's when the talking stops.Copy !req
162. Mr. Reynholm,Copy !req
163. there might actually be
more talking in Court,Copy !req
164. this would actually be a comparatively small
amount of talking, what we're doing here.Copy !req
165. - Oh, I see.
- Sorry.Copy !req
166. No, that's all right,
it's what I pay you for.Copy !req
167. Look at her.
Cold as ice.Copy !req
168. But I tell you this, behind
those shades, she's terrified.Copy !req
169. One thing you should
know about me, Jen...Copy !req
170. When I put my mind to
something, it gets done.Copy !req
171. Representing myself is the
kind of challenge I relish.Copy !req
172. Well, you'll have to
do a lot of preparation.Copy !req
173. Bring it on!Copy !req
174. What's this?Copy !req
175. It's my suit. I made it myself.
Took me a few days!Copy !req
176. How did you find time
to prepare for the trial?Copy !req
177. How did I what?Copy !req
178. Mrs. Reynholm, you say that in
the short time you were married,Copy !req
179. you became indispensable
to Mr. Reynholm...Copy !req
180. In what way were
you indispensable?Copy !req
181. I had to brush his teeth.Copy !req
182. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
183. - That's not an expression?
- No.Copy !req
184. You got the brush,Copy !req
185. you applied toothpaste to it,Copy !req
186. you moved it into his mouth...Copy !req
187. and moved your
hand up and down.Copy !req
188. Well, if I didn't do it,
he wouldn't do it.Copy !req
189. Make a note... "brush teeth".Copy !req
190. Now, you're asking for
quite a large amount.Copy !req
191. I think it is an
appropriate amount.Copy !req
192. Bollocks.Copy !req
193. Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
194. Yes, your honour?Copy !req
195. I would ask you to refrain from using
that kind of language in my courtroom.Copy !req
196. And which word in particular
do you object to, your honour?Copy !req
197. You only said one.Copy !req
198. Could you read it back?Copy !req
199. "Bollocks".Copy !req
200. Don't read it back!Copy !req
201. Why do you say it is
an appropriate amount?Copy !req
202. Mr. Reynholm caused
me great distress.Copy !req
203. I'm entitled to some restitution.Copy !req
204. Besides, it's not as if he ever
put the money to good use.Copy !req
205. As the film proves.Copy !req
206. Your honour, may I present the
central exhibit to our case...Copy !req
207. It is, I'm afraid, a sex tape.Copy !req
208. A sex tape?Copy !req
209. Which one?Copy !req
210. The alien craft appears to
have dropped its shields.Copy !req
211. Thank you, Female Chekhov!Copy !req
212. Female Sulu,
beam their Captain aboard.Copy !req
213. But... Captain... are you sure?Copy !req
214. But she's hurt,
she may need our help.Copy !req
215. Jim, even if she's injured as you
say, I can't do an examinationCopy !req
216. on a new species
without proper research.Copy !req
217. Dammit, Jim, I'm a sexy
doctor, not a sexy scientist!Copy !req
218. Female Sulu.
You have your orders.Copy !req
219. Perhaps the good doctor thinksCopy !req
220. certain alien species do not
fall under the Hippocratic oath.Copy !req
221. I have never refused
treatment to a patient,Copy !req
222. Female Spock,
and you know that!Copy !req
223. I think we've seen enough.Copy !req
224. Your Honour, I object!Copy !req
225. There's a brilliant bit coming up.Copy !req
226. Mr. Reynholm, are you ready to start
your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?Copy !req
227. I am, your Honour,
but rest assured,Copy !req
228. it will be a normal examination.Copy !req
229. I am not in any way cross.Copy !req
230. You are Victoria Reynholm,
are you not?Copy !req
231. Mr. Reynholm, we have
already established that.Copy !req
232. Might I suggest that you try less
to do an impression of a lawyerCopy !req
233. you once saw on the televisionCopy !req
234. and make your case as
simply as you possibly can.Copy !req
235. Wise words, my learned lud.Copy !req
236. Victoria, you've spoken
about the real me,Copy !req
237. and I think it's time we heard
a little about the real you.Copy !req
238. Isn't it true, that you...Copy !req
239. Used to be a man?Copy !req
240. No.Copy !req
241. It isn't true, you say?Copy !req
242. It is untrue.Copy !req
243. Who am I thinking of?Copy !req
244. I think you mean April,
the woman you had a fight with.Copy !req
245. No further questions, my lud.Copy !req
246. What?
Your entire case rested on that?Copy !req
247. Yes, your Honour.Copy !req
248. No, wait, Mr Reynholm,
you can't leave it at that.Copy !req
249. Your Honour, may I confer with my
relationship manager? What's up, Jen?Copy !req
250. You've got to request more time
to prepare a proper defence.Copy !req
251. Your Grace,
may I approach the bench?Copy !req
252. - Have you brushed your teeth?
- No.Copy !req
253. Then you may not.Copy !req
254. Your Grace,Copy !req
255. I need to prepare a proper defence.Copy !req
256. The one I just did
there was rubbish.Copy !req
257. Yes, he's some piece of work.Copy !req
258. We're all very happy
at Reynholm Industries.Copy !req
259. - Are you telling the truth?
- Yes.Copy !req
260. Then why are you
so ill-at-ease?Copy !req
261. Well...Copy !req
262. If you must know... I was in
a court myself very recently...Copy !req
263. This very courtroom in fact,Copy !req
264. where I gave testimony
against a former soldier who...Copy !req
265. I was having a massage and he
kissed me on my bottom, Your Honour.Copy !req
266. I see.Copy !req
267. I'm sure you can
understand my discomfort.Copy !req
268. Are you all right?
Can you continue?Copy !req
269. I can continue.
Thank you.Copy !req
270. The way you tell it, your employer
sounds like a paragon of virtue.Copy !req
271. That's right.Copy !req
272. And furthermore, I would
like to say at this pointCopy !req
273. that I think this whole
case to be a damp squid.Copy !req
274. Thank you,
no further questions.Copy !req
275. Oooh! I have one more
question, your Honour.Copy !req
276. Yes?Copy !req
277. What did you say?Copy !req
278. What?Copy !req
279. What did you say the case was?
May I have it read back please?Copy !req
280. "I believe this entire case
to be a bit of a damp squid."Copy !req
281. "A damp squid?"Copy !req
282. What does that mean?Copy !req
283. Oh, Jen, it's an expression.Copy !req
284. It means that I believeCopy !req
285. that everything that's been said
in this case, everyone already knew.Copy !req
286. Yes, but did you say
"damp squid"?Copy !req
287. That's right.Copy !req
288. Did you not mean, "damp squib"?Copy !req
289. No, it's "squid".Copy !req
290. What's a squib?Copy !req
291. It's not "squid".
Squids are already damp!Copy !req
292. Hence the phrase!Copy !req
293. Your Honour! Please!Copy !req
294. It is "squib".Copy !req
295. I must say, I find it extraordinary
that you, a man in your early 30s,Copy !req
296. could have reached this point in your
life without knowing that it is "squib".Copy !req
297. - I think it's "squid".
- I have no further questions.Copy !req
298. - No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
- That will be all.Copy !req
299. - Everyone has a blind spot!
- I said that will be all!Copy !req
300. Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?Copy !req
301. Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?Copy !req
302. Sorry, bit nervous...
So... Yeah...Copy !req
303. Fizzy! It's very fizzy.
It's fizzy. Gone fizzy.Copy !req
304. Ow, come on!Copy !req
305. That's electric.
That's electric in there.Copy !req
306. Just got a shock.Copy !req
307. Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?Copy !req
308. It is not.Copy !req
309. Sorry, yeah, sorry, sorry.Copy !req
310. My mother sued me.Copy !req
311. Relax. Take your time.Copy !req
312. Try to answer the questions
as clearly as you can.Copy !req
313. Thank you, my love.Copy !req
314. Your name is Maurice Moss,
is it not?Copy !req
315. Chair.
It was the chair's fault.Copy !req
316. No further questions, my lud.Copy !req
317. Don't you have anything?Copy !req
318. She's going to take you to
the cleaners, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
319. Yup, I suppose she will.Copy !req
320. What's that?Copy !req
321. Oh, God.Copy !req
322. I think I may have
found our miracle.Copy !req
323. Can you state your
full name, please?Copy !req
324. Richmond Felicity Avenal.Copy !req
325. And you worked at Reynholm
Industries for a time?Copy !req
326. I did, for over four years.Copy !req
327. And what did you do?Copy !req
328. I don't know.Copy !req
329. Why did you leave?Copy !req
330. Well, my life wasn't really going
anywhere. I was part of the wholeCopy !req
331. goth/ death metal subculture
but it wasn't making me happy.Copy !req
332. It was all a bit gloomy.Copy !req
333. It was round about that
point that I developed scurvy.Copy !req
334. Now that sounds unpleasant.Copy !req
335. On the contrary. Catching scurvy was the
best thing that ever happened to me.Copy !req
336. It made me take a long
hard look in the mirror.Copy !req
337. And I didn't like what I saw,
I can tell you that.Copy !req
338. Not just because my
teeth had fallen out.Copy !req
339. Which is why I founded
From Goth2Boss.Copy !req
340. Is it okay if I play a DVD?Copy !req
341. Does it have anything
whatsoever to do with this case?Copy !req
342. Not really, Your Honour.Copy !req
343. Then you may proceed.Copy !req
344. Where are you going?
Is it to the top?Copy !req
345. If not, why not?Copy !req
346. Go to the bloody top!
Is it because you're a goth?Copy !req
347. Did you know that goths have some of
the lowest life satisfaction levelsCopy !req
348. of any subculture with the
exception of traffic wardens?Copy !req
349. That's why you don't see
any goth traffic wardens.Copy !req
350. That would be a
deadly combination!Copy !req
351. We at Goth2Boss work with goths
at various locations around the UKCopy !req
352. to bring out their
hidden potential...Copy !req
353. by encouraging them to engage
in everyday, healthy pursuitsCopy !req
354. such as sports.Copy !req
355. Mixing with other humans.Copy !req
356. Extended laughter sessions.Copy !req
357. Introducing colour to your wardrobe.Copy !req
358. Just look at these results.
This is Debbie. She used toCopy !req
359. hang around railway stations
with her hands in her sleeves.Copy !req
360. Now she's a lifeguard in Mumbai!Copy !req
361. From Goth2Boss, you know it makes
sense. Unless you're not a goth,Copy !req
362. in which case, from
Goth2Boss. Remember the name.Copy !req
363. But what does that have to do withCopy !req
364. my divorce proceedings, m'kind fellow?Copy !req
365. Well, Mr. Reynholm, I'm here
to tell you that that womanCopy !req
366. is not Victoria Reynholm!Copy !req
367. Her name is Melanie Crawford,Copy !req
368. a former From Goth2Boss
pupil of mine!Copy !req
369. Sing, you canary!Copy !req
370. Well, during our sessions, she seemed more
interested in you than getting better.Copy !req
371. I don't think she ever truly
exorcised the goth within.Copy !req
372. Scratch away that fake tanCopy !req
373. and beneath you'll find
the purest white foundation!Copy !req
374. Yeah, that was more of
a phrase than anything.Copy !req
375. Oh, actually...
No sorry, that's not her!Copy !req
376. Oh, sorry about that.
That's not her.Copy !req
377. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.Copy !req
378. You've heard a few things over the
past few days, none of which cast meCopy !req
379. in a particularly favourable light.Copy !req
380. Stories of expensive sex tapes,
rumours of me killing my first wife.Copy !req
381. No. No-one's mentioned that.Copy !req
382. You know, there's one
thing I do want to say.Copy !req
383. Just one thing, that I...Copy !req
384. Mr. Reynholm?Copy !req
385. Mr. Reynholm, please.Copy !req
386. Mr. Reynholm, this really is the most
pathetic display I have ever seen.Copy !req
387. - May I say something, your Honour?
- Why not?Copy !req
388. Lying here,Copy !req
389. pretending to have a heart
attack, you see a desperate man.Copy !req
390. Not pretending.Copy !req
391. A man who has exhausted all of
his time, all of his resources,Copy !req
392. on an expensive trial that
has resulted in humiliation.Copy !req
393. But think not of him. Think of the
employees of Reynholm Industries.Copy !req
394. Think of the man who
was sued by his mother.Copy !req
395. The simpleton who thought the
phrase "damp squid" was correct.Copy !req
396. These are the people I want you to
consider when making your judgment.Copy !req
397. For Reynholm is not just the
name of this ridiculous manCopy !req
398. who keeps opening his eyes
whenever he thinks no-one's looking.Copy !req
399. Reynholm is the name of the family his
employees have found in each other.Copy !req
400. We are all Reynholms.Copy !req
401. Hurt him, and you hurt...Copy !req
402. Oh, all right then,
we'll take 70 million.Copy !req
403. Hooray!Copy !req
404. I'm getting oak.Copy !req