1. And every other day, I
take a short helicopter rideCopy !req
2. to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.Copy !req
3. Last night,Copy !req
4. I ate a chocolate radio that
still worked in my stomach,Copy !req
5. and a flat chicken that was
actually a glass of water.Copy !req
6. Even the menu was edible.Copy !req
7. They said it wasn't, but I ate it.Copy !req
8. Sounds like you're
living the life of Riley.Copy !req
9. Well, I actually knew Riley,
and yes, there are similarities.Copy !req
10. And yet, there is some sadness in
your life. Tell me about Victoria.Copy !req
11. You'll have to forgive me,
there's been quite a few Victorias.Copy !req
12. Your wife?Copy !req
13. My God, my wife, oh yes, Victoria!Copy !req
14. What a fantastic woman. The two weeks
we were married were unforgettable.Copy !req
15. She disappeared in mysterious
circumstances, did she not?Copy !req
16. She vanished while washing the car.Copy !req
17. Despite a search that lasted
nearly five hours, we found nothing.Copy !req
18. So naturally, we assumed
the worst. You must miss her.Copy !req
19. More than words could say.Copy !req
20. I'd give anything to see her
walk through that door right now.Copy !req
21. Hey, why don't you
take your clothes off?Copy !req
22. What?Copy !req
23. Come on, we both knew it was on the cards
as soon as I realised you were a woman!Copy !req
24. What if someone were to walk in?Copy !req
25. I left strict instructions not to
be disturbed in case we had sex.Copy !req
26. There's no way anyone is
walking through that door...Copy !req
27. Hello, Douglas.Copy !req
28. Victoria!Copy !req
29. But I thought you were dead!Copy !req
30. I must say, Douglas, you still
don't seem very pleased to see me.Copy !req
31. No, no, I must have eaten
some bad stereo system.Copy !req
32. How's the wine?Copy !req
33. How's the wine? Exquisite.Copy !req
34. From the chef's own cellar.Copy !req
35. What are you doing, Victoria?
Last time I saw you, you were...Copy !req
36. Washing the car? Yes, I
imagine you have many questions.Copy !req
37. I was under a lot of stress that
day, Douglas. I think we both were.Copy !req
38. We both knew it wasn't working.Copy !req
39. I picked up my sponge and bucket
with a heavy heart that day.Copy !req
40. The rest is a blank. The next thing
I can remember with any clarityCopy !req
41. is being on a kayaking
holiday two years later.Copy !req
42. That looks good, what's that?Copy !req
43. I sort of wish I'd ordered that.Copy !req
44. Our invisible desserts have arrived!Copy !req
45. I know we weren't happy that second
week of our marriage, Douglas,Copy !req
46. but give us another chance, as a couple.Copy !req
47. I don't know.Copy !req
48. I don't think we can just
pick up from where we left off.Copy !req
49. No, Victoria, I'm sorry, it's over.Copy !req
50. Oh God!Copy !req
51. I forgot you could do that.Copy !req
52. Maybe we should give it another go!Copy !req
53. Nnngh...Copy !req
54. Well that is new!Copy !req
55. How are you doing that?Copy !req
56. That might be the dog.Copy !req
57. Heston!Copy !req
58. I'd like to introduce you to my...Copy !req
59. Wi-I-I-ife.Copy !req
60. I want to divorce my wife.Copy !req
61. Why are you telling me?Copy !req
62. Aren't you with legal?Copy !req
63. No.Copy !req
64. Remind me?Copy !req
65. IT. Relationship manager.Copy !req
66. Ah. Well then I probably shouldn't
have told you any of that.Copy !req
67. Anyway...Copy !req
68. I want to divorce her right now.Copy !req
69. Now's too late. Before now.Copy !req
70. In fact, I want to have already
divorced her, is that possible?Copy !req
71. Well, as I said, I'm not a lawyer, so...Copy !req
72. Yes, but you're a relationship
manager, and this is a relationship!Copy !req
73. Well, erm...Copy !req
74. have you told her yet?Copy !req
75. Kind of. I changed my
Friendface profile from "married"Copy !req
76. to "it's complicated".Copy !req
77. That's not the same as
telling her, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
78. Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you?Copy !req
79. Yeah, but someone will
pass it on. Why not you? No!Copy !req
80. Oh come on! Please break up withCopy !req
81. my vanishing, car cleaning
wife! I don't want to do it!Copy !req
82. I don't want to do it!Copy !req
83. I'll give you... I don't know...Copy !req
84. 10,000.Copy !req
85. Who are you again?Copy !req
86. I'm Jen Barber.Copy !req
87. I'm with the IT department
at Reynholm Industries.Copy !req
88. Sorry, I thought I
was meeting my husband.Copy !req
89. Mr. Reynholm asked me to
convey a... a message to you.Copy !req
90. Mrs. Reynholm.Copy !req
91. How long have you and Mr.
Reynholm known each other?Copy !req
92. About ten years.Copy !req
93. Ten years, ten wonderful years.Copy !req
94. Who are you?Copy !req
95. Mrs. Reynholm... Can
I call you Victoria?Copy !req
96. No.Copy !req
97. Mrs. Reynholm.Copy !req
98. Sometimes there is a day
and then there is a night.Copy !req
99. Sometimes there is a morn,Copy !req
100. and then there is an eve.Copy !req
101. Flowers grow, trees are cut down,Copy !req
102. babies are born, but...Copy !req
103. Lawyers exist.Copy !req
104. What are you trying to say?Copy !req
105. Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.Copy !req
106. Let me guess. My
husband wants to leave meCopy !req
107. and he paid you a large amount of money to
spare him the embarrassment of facing me.Copy !req
108. Yes, but I'm not going to
take the money... I feel sick.Copy !req
109. Of course you do,
you're a normal person.Copy !req
110. You're not upset?Copy !req
111. No, because I'm not a normal person.Copy !req
112. You see, what you're trying
to do here but can't...Copy !req
113. If the tables were turned, I
wouldn't find it difficult at all.Copy !req
114. In fact, it's how I met his first wife.Copy !req
115. I didn't know these were edible too.Copy !req
116. They're not.Copy !req
117. What's all that?Copy !req
118. What's all that? I have to
spend the afternoon with Douglas.Copy !req
119. Somehow I've been drafted
into his legal eagle fantasy.Copy !req
120. Have you ever spent any
serious time with that man?Copy !req
121. He's unbelievable! You should
hear the way he talks about women.Copy !req
122. Oh yeah, he's some piece of
work. He's like a sexy Hitler.Copy !req
123. I mean, I don't expect
to put on a pedal stool,Copy !req
124. but please, show a little respect!Copy !req
125. I'm sorry, you don't
expect to be put on a what?Copy !req
126. On a pedal stool.Copy !req
127. A pedal stool?Copy !req
128. What's a pedal stool?Copy !req
129. Oh, you know, you put women on itCopy !req
130. when you admire them,
you know, the phrase.Copy !req
131. Oh yeah, the famous phrase,
"to be put on a pedal stool".Copy !req
132. "Pedestal"!Copy !req
133. What?Copy !req
134. "Pedestal" is the word!Copy !req
135. What's a "pedal stool"?Copy !req
136. Did you really think there was
such a thing as a pedal stool?Copy !req
137. Shut up, everyone has blind spots.Copy !req
138. Can you help me sort through all
this legal crap, please, Moss?Copy !req
139. I'd rather not. I've not had good
experiences with the legal system.Copy !req
140. How come?Copy !req
141. How come? Well, when I was 11, I broke
the patio window, and my mother sued me.Copy !req
142. She sued you?Copy !req
143. Yeah, to teach me a lesson.Copy !req
144. She's always been a very
aggressive litigator.Copy !req
145. Can you even do that,
can you sue your children?Copy !req
146. It was kind of a show
trial in the kitchen.Copy !req
147. She made a little gallery for the cat.Copy !req
148. She made a little gallery for
the cat. Aw... What happened?Copy !req
149. She won.Copy !req
150. I'm still paying costs.Copy !req
151. "Pedal stool"!Copy !req
152. 212 million quid!Copy !req
153. You can't be serious!Copy !req
154. Oh, we're quite serious, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
155. But that's enough to bring
Reynholm Industries to its knees!Copy !req
156. Bloody blast, this is up my arse!Copy !req
157. That is the amount, it
is not up for negotiation.Copy !req
158. Balls from hell, you shit-twins!Copy !req
159. Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
160. Bollocks to be telling me
to calm down, my old chap.Copy !req
161. She wants 220 titty million quid
and you tell me to calm down!Copy !req
162. You're fired.Copy !req
163. I'm not your lawyer.Copy !req
164. Piss off! I'm going to represent myself.Copy !req
165. I'm not your lawyer.Copy !req
166. You sit there, all confident.Copy !req
167. Yeah? But when this goes to Court,
that's when the talking stops.Copy !req
168. Mr. Reynholm,Copy !req
169. there might actually be
more talking in Court,Copy !req
170. this would actually be a comparatively small
amount of talking, what we're doing here.Copy !req
171. Oh, I see.Copy !req
172. Sorry.Copy !req
173. Sorry. No, that's all right,
it's what I pay you for.Copy !req
174. Look at her. Cold as ice.Copy !req
175. But I tell you this, behind
those shades, she's terrified.Copy !req
176. One thing you should
know about me, Jen...Copy !req
177. When I put my mind to
something, it gets done.Copy !req
178. Representing myself is the
kind of challenge I relish.Copy !req
179. Well, you'll have to
do a lot of preparation.Copy !req
180. Bring it on!Copy !req
181. What's this?Copy !req
182. It's my suit. I made it
myself. Took me a few days!Copy !req
183. How did you find time
to prepare for the trial?Copy !req
184. How did I what?Copy !req
185. Mrs. Reynholm, you say that in
the short time you were married,Copy !req
186. you became indispensable
to Mr. Reynholm...Copy !req
187. in what way were you indispensable?Copy !req
188. I had to brush his teeth.Copy !req
189. Really?Copy !req
190. Yes.Copy !req
191. That's not an expression?Copy !req
192. No.Copy !req
193. You got the brush,Copy !req
194. you applied toothpaste to it,Copy !req
195. you moved it into his mouth...Copy !req
196. and moved your hand up and down.Copy !req
197. Well, if I didn't do
it, he wouldn't do it.Copy !req
198. Well, if I didn't do it, he wouldn't
do it. Make a note... "brush teeth".Copy !req
199. Now, you're asking for
quite a large amount.Copy !req
200. I think it is an appropriate amount.Copy !req
201. Bollocks.Copy !req
202. Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
203. Yes, your honour?Copy !req
204. I would ask you to refrain from using
that kind of language in my courtroom.Copy !req
205. And which word in particular
do you object to, your honour?Copy !req
206. You only said one.Copy !req
207. Could you read it back?Copy !req
208. "Bollocks".Copy !req
209. Don't read it back!Copy !req
210. Why do you say it is
an appropriate amount?Copy !req
211. Mr. Reynholm caused me great distress.Copy !req
212. I'm entitledto some restitution.Copy !req
213. Besides, it's not as if he ever put the
money to good use. As the film proves.Copy !req
214. Your honour, may I present the
central exhibit to our case...Copy !req
215. It is, I'm afraid, a sex tape.Copy !req
216. A sex tape?Copy !req
217. Which one?Copy !req
218. The alien craft appears to
have dropped its shields.Copy !req
219. Thank you, Female Chekhov! Female
Sulu, beam their Captain aboard.Copy !req
220. But... Captain... are you sure?Copy !req
221. But she's hurt, she may need our help.Copy !req
222. Jim, even if she's injured as
you say, I can't do an examinationCopy !req
223. on a new species
without proper research.Copy !req
224. Dammit, Jim, I'm a sexy doctor,Copy !req
225. not a sexy scientist!Copy !req
226. Female Sulu. You have your orders.Copy !req
227. Perhaps the good doctor thinksCopy !req
228. certain alien species do not
fall under the Hippocratic oath.Copy !req
229. I have never refused treatment to a
patient, Female Spock, and you know that!Copy !req
230. I think we've seen enough.Copy !req
231. Your Honour, I object!Copy !req
232. There's a brilliant bit coming up.Copy !req
233. Mr. Reynholm, are you ready to start
your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?Copy !req
234. I am, your Honour, but rest assured,Copy !req
235. it will be a normal examination.Copy !req
236. I am not in any way cross.Copy !req
237. You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?Copy !req
238. Mr. Reynholm, we have
already established that.Copy !req
239. Might I suggest that you try less
to do an impression of a lawyerCopy !req
240. you once saw on the television and make
your case as simply as you possibly can.Copy !req
241. Wise words, my learned lud.Copy !req
242. Victoria, you've spoken
about the real me,Copy !req
243. and I think it's time we heard
a little about the real you.Copy !req
244. Isn't it true, that you...Copy !req
245. Used to be a man?Copy !req
246. No.Copy !req
247. It isn't true, you say?Copy !req
248. It is untrue.Copy !req
249. Who am I thinking of?Copy !req
250. I think you mean April, the
woman you had a fight with.Copy !req
251. No further questions, my lud.Copy !req
252. What? Your entire case rested on that?Copy !req
253. Yes, your Honour.Copy !req
254. Yes, your Honour. No, wait, Mr
Reynholm, you can't leave it at that.Copy !req
255. Your Honour, may I confer with my
relationship manager? What's up, Jen?Copy !req
256. You've got to request more time
to prepare a proper defence.Copy !req
257. Your Grace, may I approach the bench?Copy !req
258. Have you brushed your teeth?Copy !req
259. No.Copy !req
260. No. Then you may not.Copy !req
261. Your Grace,Copy !req
262. I need to prepare a proper defence.Copy !req
263. The one I just did there was rubbish.Copy !req
264. Yes, he's some piece of work.Copy !req
265. We're all very happy
at Reynholm Industries.Copy !req
266. Are you telling the truth?Copy !req
267. Yes.Copy !req
268. Then why are you
so ill-at-ease?Copy !req
269. Well...Copy !req
270. If you must know... I was in
a court myself very recently...Copy !req
271. This very courtroom in fact,Copy !req
272. where I gave testimony
against a former soldier who...Copy !req
273. I was having a massage and he
kissed me on my bottom, Your Honour.Copy !req
274. I see.Copy !req
275. I'm sure you can
understand my discomfort.Copy !req
276. Are you all right? Can you continue?Copy !req
277. I can continue. Thank you.Copy !req
278. The way you tell it, your employer
sounds like a paragon of virtue.Copy !req
279. That's right. And
furthermore, I would likeCopy !req
280. to say at this point that I think
this whole case to be a damp squid.Copy !req
281. Thank you, no further questions.Copy !req
282. Oooh! I have one more
question, your Honour.Copy !req
283. Yes?Copy !req
284. What did you say?Copy !req
285. What?Copy !req
286. What did you say the case was?
May I have it read back please?Copy !req
287. "I believe this entire case
to be a bit of a damp squid."Copy !req
288. "A damp squid?"Copy !req
289. What does that mean?Copy !req
290. Oh, Jen, it's an expression.Copy !req
291. It means that I believeCopy !req
292. that everything that's been said
in this case, everyone already knew.Copy !req
293. Yes, but did you say "damp squid"?Copy !req
294. That's right.Copy !req
295. Did you not mean, "damp squib"?Copy !req
296. No, it's "squid".Copy !req
297. What's a squib?Copy !req
298. It's not "squid".
Squids are already damp!Copy !req
299. Hence the phrase!Copy !req
300. Your Honour! Please!Copy !req
301. It is "squib".Copy !req
302. I must say, I find it extraordinary
that you, a man in your early 30s,Copy !req
303. could have reached this point in your
life without knowing that it is "squib".Copy !req
304. I think it's "squid".Copy !req
305. I have no further questions.Copy !req
306. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
307. That will be all.Copy !req
308. Everyone has a blind spot!Copy !req
309. I said that will be all!Copy !req
310. Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?Copy !req
311. Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?Copy !req
312. Sorry, bit nervous... So... Yeah...Copy !req
313. Fizzy! It's very fizzy.Copy !req
314. It's fizzy. Gone fizzy.Copy !req
315. Ow, come on!Copy !req
316. That's electric. That's
electric in there.Copy !req
317. Just got a shock.Copy !req
318. Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?Copy !req
319. It is not.Copy !req
320. Sorry, yeah, sorry, sorry.Copy !req
321. My mother sued me.Copy !req
322. Relax. Take your time.Copy !req
323. Try to answer the questions
as clearly as you can.Copy !req
324. Thank you, my love.Copy !req
325. Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?Copy !req
326. Chair. It was the chair's fault.Copy !req
327. No further questions, my lud.Copy !req
328. Don't you have anything?Copy !req
329. She's going to take you to
the cleaners, Mr. Reynholm.Copy !req
330. Yup, I suppose she will.Copy !req
331. What's that?Copy !req
332. Oh, God.Copy !req
333. I think I may have found our miracle.Copy !req
334. Can you state your full name, please?Copy !req
335. Richmond Felicity Avenal.Copy !req
336. And you worked at Reynholm
Industries for a time?Copy !req
337. I did, for over four years.Copy !req
338. And what did you do?Copy !req
339. I don't know.Copy !req
340. Why did you leave?Copy !req
341. Well, my life wasn't really going
anywhere. I was part of the wholeCopy !req
342. goth/ death metal subculture
but it wasn't making me happy.Copy !req
343. It was all a bit gloomy.Copy !req
344. It was round about that
point that I developed scurvy.Copy !req
345. Now that sounds unpleasant.Copy !req
346. On the contrary. Catching scurvy was
the best thing that ever happened to me.Copy !req
347. It made me take a long
hard look in the mirror.Copy !req
348. And I didn't like what I
saw, I can tell you that.Copy !req
349. Not just because my
teeth had fallen out.Copy !req
350. Which is why I founded From Goth2Boss.Copy !req
351. Is it okay if I play a DVD?Copy !req
352. Does it have anything
whatsoever to do with this case?Copy !req
353. Not really, Your Honour.Copy !req
354. Then you may proceed.Copy !req
355. Where are you going? Is it to the top?Copy !req
356. If not, why not?Copy !req
357. Go to the bloody top! Is
it because you're a goth?Copy !req
358. Did you know that goths have some of
the lowest life satisfaction levelsCopy !req
359. of any subculture with the
exception of traffic wardens?Copy !req
360. That's why you don't see
any goth traffic wardens.Copy !req
361. That would be a deadly combination!Copy !req
362. We at Goth2Boss work with goths
at various locations around the UKCopy !req
363. to bring out their hidden potential...Copy !req
364. by encouraging them to engage
in everyday, healthy pursuitsCopy !req
365. such as sports.Copy !req
366. Mixing with other humans.Copy !req
367. Extended laughter sessions.Copy !req
368. Introducing colour to your wardrobe.Copy !req
369. Just look at these results.
This is Debbie. She used toCopy !req
370. hang around railway stations
with her hands in her sleeves.Copy !req
371. Now she's a lifeguard in Mumbai!Copy !req
372. From Goth2Boss, you know it makes
sense. Unless you're not a goth,Copy !req
373. in which case, from
Goth2Boss. Remember the name.Copy !req
374. But what does that have to do withCopy !req
375. my divorce proceedings, m'kind fellow?Copy !req
376. Well, Mr. Reynholm, I'm here
to tell you that that womanCopy !req
377. is not Victoria Reynholm!Copy !req
378. Her name is Melanie Crawford,Copy !req
379. a former From Goth2Boss pupil of mine!Copy !req
380. Sing, you canary!Copy !req
381. Well, during our sessions, she seemed
more interested in you than getting better.Copy !req
382. I don't think she ever truly
exorcised the goth within.Copy !req
383. Scratch away that fake tanCopy !req
384. and beneath you'll find
the purest white foundation!Copy !req
385. Yeah, that was more of
a phrase than anything.Copy !req
386. Oh, actually... No
sorry, that's not her!Copy !req
387. Oh, sorry about that. That's not her.Copy !req
388. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.Copy !req
389. You've heard a few things over the
past few days, none of which cast meCopy !req
390. in a particularly favourable light.Copy !req
391. Stories of expensive sex tapes,
rumours of me killing my first wife.Copy !req
392. No. No-one's mentioned that.Copy !req
393. You know, there's one
thing I do want to say.Copy !req
394. Just one thing, that I...Copy !req
395. Mr. Reynholm?Copy !req
396. Mr. Reynholm, please.Copy !req
397. Mr. Reynholm, this really is the most
pathetic display I have ever seen.Copy !req
398. May I say something, your Honour?Copy !req
399. Why not?Copy !req
400. Lying here,Copy !req
401. pretending to have a heart
attack, you see a desperate man.Copy !req
402. Not pretending.Copy !req
403. Not pretending. A man who has exhausted
all of his time, all of his resources,Copy !req
404. on an expensive trial that
has resulted in humiliation.Copy !req
405. But think not of him. Think of the
employees of Reynholm Industries.Copy !req
406. Think of the man who
was sued by his mother.Copy !req
407. The simpleton who thought the
phrase "damp squid" was correct.Copy !req
408. These are the people I want you to
consider when making your judgement.Copy !req
409. For Reynholm is not just the
name of this ridiculous manCopy !req
410. who keeps opening his eyes
whenever he thinks no-one's looking.Copy !req
411. Reynholm is the name of the family
his employees have found in each other.Copy !req
412. We are all Reynholms.Copy !req
413. Hurt him, and you hurt...Copy !req
414. Oh, all right then,
we'll take 70 million.Copy !req
415. Hooray!Copy !req
416. I'm getting oak.Copy !req