1. Space.
What is it?Copy !req
2. The simple answer is,
we don't know.Copy !req
3. Or at least,
we didn't know until now.Copy !req
4. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm.Copy !req
5. And I'm not a scientist, but I
do have a better understandingCopy !req
6. of what space is than any
scientist living today.Copy !req
7. Where did I gain these insights?
From this man.Copy !req
8. The founder of Spaceology,
Beth Gaga Shaggy, no relationCopy !req
9. to either Lady Gaga or Shaggy,
is the founder of Spaceology.Copy !req
10. A religion, not a cult.Copy !req
11. In other words,
when it comes to space,Copy !req
12. he's the man with his
head screwed on tight.Copy !req
13. This is what he told me when I
met him on holiday two weeks ago.Copy !req
14. Space is invisible mind dust
and stars are but wishes.Copy !req
15. I mean, think about that!Copy !req
16. That means every star you
can see in the night skyCopy !req
17. is a wish that has come true.Copy !req
18. And they've come trueCopy !req
19. because of something he
calls Spacestar Ordering.Copy !req
20. Spacestar Ordering is based on
the twin scientific principlesCopy !req
21. of star maths
and wishy thinking.Copy !req
22. If you'd like to know more, there
are thousands of Spaceology centresCopy !req
23. all over the UK.Copy !req
24. If that doesn't convince you,Copy !req
25. well, then, maybe you just don't
deserve to get what you want.Copy !req
26. Wow. You're a genius, Ray!
Love the special effects!Copy !req
27. How did you do that thing
where I'm spinning around?Copy !req
28. Well, in that bit, you're
actually spinning around.Copy !req
29. Well, I'm glad you like
the website, Mr Reynholm,Copy !req
30. I did spend quite a
lot of time on it.Copy !req
31. It's brilliant, and well
worth every penny of the £50.Copy !req
32. £100... Didn't we say £100?Copy !req
33. I never would have
agreed to that.Copy !req
34. Ah, Jen! Guess who wanted a
helicopter this time last weekCopy !req
35. and now, thanks to
Spacestar Ordering, has one?Copy !req
36. You?Copy !req
37. I'll give you a clue—
It ain't these chaps!Copy !req
38. You?Copy !req
39. You're a sceptic, Jen.
You should be more like these.Copy !req
40. They can't get enough of
my Spacestar Ordering story.Copy !req
41. Yes, yes, I noticed you've been
coming down here a lot more oftenCopy !req
42. because of all the questions.Copy !req
43. So, Mr. Reynholm, how did the
cosmos grant you a helicopter?Copy !req
44. Well, I visualised
the thing I wanted.Copy !req
45. In my case, it was a helicopter.
I drew a picture of the helicopterCopy !req
46. on a piece of paper, then I
stood with my back to space,Copy !req
47. threw the paper over my
shoulder and wished really hard.Copy !req
48. But, when you say that you
stood with your back to space...Copy !req
49. - Yes.
- ... how exactly did you achieve that?Copy !req
50. I waited till night time.Copy !req
51. Of course.Copy !req
52. Couple of days later,
bought myself a helicopter.Copy !req
53. Explain that one, if you can!Copy !req
54. I wish the cosmos would make it
slightly harder to find our office.Copy !req
55. Don't worry, Jen,
you'll get your wish,Copy !req
56. just as I one day,
I'll get my robot hand.Copy !req
57. Scientific mind, believes
in Spacestar Ordering.Copy !req
58. Who's getting the
robot hand first?Copy !req
59. Hey, you're still up
for tonight, right?Copy !req
60. I'll go if Moss goes.Copy !req
61. Sorry, Jen. I find music
confusing and annoying.Copy !req
62. Roy invited me to a gig once.
I didn't really enjoy it.Copy !req
63. You went to the wrong address.
You went to a swimming pool.Copy !req
64. Are you sure it's
not swimming poolsCopy !req
65. that you find confusing
and annoying?Copy !req
66. You're right.Copy !req
67. It's not music I hate,
it's swimming!Copy !req
68. You know what?
I will come, Roy.Copy !req
69. Where's Moss? I can't believe
he's missing out on this.Copy !req
70. Where are they?Copy !req
71. I'm going to have to
go dance at the front.Copy !req
72. Aren't you a bit
old for the front?Copy !req
73. I'm 31!Copy !req
74. Good for you, mate!Copy !req
75. Careful! My foot!Copy !req
76. You chill out, man!Copy !req
77. Jesus!Copy !req
78. Get out of town! You hooked
up with someone from the band?Copy !req
79. - Wow, who was it?
- Norman.Copy !req
80. Norman?
Oh, he's the drummer, right?Copy !req
81. The keyboard player.Copy !req
82. The keyboard player?Copy !req
83. OK.Copy !req
84. What?Copy !req
85. No, it's just...Copy !req
86. The keyboard player?
Really?Copy !req
87. Yeah.
What?Copy !req
88. It's just he's a bit geeky, isn't he?
I didn't think he was your type.Copy !req
89. Jen's going out with a geek!Copy !req
90. Are you sure it's not just
because he's in a band?Copy !req
91. Yes.
I really am that shallow, Roy!Copy !req
92. I know you are.Copy !req
93. Yeah, I'm that shallow.Copy !req
94. You are, though. I mean,
you really, really are.Copy !req
95. Look, I like him.Copy !req
96. He doesn't say a lot, he's more of
a thinker. I think he's really cool.Copy !req
97. It's because he's in a
band! Oh, flippin' hell.Copy !req
98. Is this your back again?Copy !req
99. When did mosh pits
become so unruly?Copy !req
100. I told you,
you should get a massage.Copy !req
101. Oh, I've never enjoyed
having massages.Copy !req
102. I don't like being naked
in front of strangers,Copy !req
103. and I can never relax if I think
someone might play Norah Jones.Copy !req
104. Who wants to hear another
Spacestar Ordering success story?Copy !req
105. Oh, wait, wait! Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
106. OK, OK.Copy !req
107. Go!Copy !req
108. Last week, I decided I wanted
to learn how to do tattoos.Copy !req
109. So, I did the business.Copy !req
110. Bought a book on tattoos, read it,Copy !req
111. and now I know how to do tattoos.
Look!Copy !req
112. My helicopter!Copy !req
113. Oh, that's brilliant.Copy !req
114. Let me see it... Ow!Copy !req
115. What the bloody hell's
wrong with you?Copy !req
116. I have a really bad back.Copy !req
117. You should see a masseuse.Copy !req
118. Don't see a masseuse!Copy !req
119. They're the biggest
con of the 20th century.Copy !req
120. I had a bad back, and I cured it,
thanks to the techniques outlinedCopy !req
121. in this groundbreaking expose
of the massage industry.Copy !req
122. Go like this.Copy !req
123. And push your back up.Copy !req
124. Oh, for fuuu...!Copy !req
125. That's worse!
That's way worse.Copy !req
126. It's terrible, isn't it?Copy !req
127. You told me that would
make it better!Copy !req
128. No, no, no! That's how I
originally injured my back.Copy !req
129. You all right?Copy !req
130. Yeah, feels so much
better already!Copy !req
131. So that's why I ended up
joining the parachute regiment.Copy !req
132. Ah, yeah, the Paras.Copy !req
133. That's the one I
would have joined.Copy !req
134. But you know, fear of heights...Copy !req
135. Were you in the army?Copy !req
136. No.Copy !req
137. Right, I have to do a bit
of work on your thighs.Copy !req
138. Hey, you do what
you need to do.Copy !req
139. Did you see that ludicrous
display last night?Copy !req
140. What was Mancini thinking, eh?Copy !req
141. The thing about Arsenal is,
they always try and walk it in.Copy !req
142. Arsenal?Copy !req
143. Whoever we're talking about.Copy !req
144. Right...Copy !req
145. nearly done.Copy !req
146. Oh, thanks again, man, this
really does feel so much better.Copy !req
147. Right.Copy !req
148. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
149. There we are.
All finished.Copy !req
150. Goodness me!Copy !req
151. What-what-what would you
term what just happened there?Copy !req
152. Norman says my voice
is extraordinary.Copy !req
153. He's right.Copy !req
154. This is it, you know.Copy !req
155. This is the guy.Copy !req
156. This is the big one.Copy !req
157. There's nothing about
him I don't like.Copy !req
158. When he's asleep,
he makes this sound...Copy !req
159. a lovely, little, gentle purr.Copy !req
160. Oh, this is a long song.Copy !req
161. You know, the last few
days has been indescribable.Copy !req
162. Good.Copy !req
163. Hi, Roy!Copy !req
164. Hi, Roy.Copy !req
165. What?Copy !req
166. You OK?Copy !req
167. What?Copy !req
168. Are you all right?Copy !req
169. Is your back still hurting?
Didn't you go to see the masseuse?Copy !req
170. Yes, I did.Copy !req
171. Did it help?Copy !req
172. No.Copy !req
173. Are you OK?Copy !req
174. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fine.Copy !req
175. It's just you'vegot the same face
you have when you eat vegetables.Copy !req
176. OK.Copy !req
177. Something happened.Copy !req
178. Something happened?Copy !req
179. Yes. When I was getting the
massage, the masseuse did something.Copy !req
180. Go on.Copy !req
181. OK, I'm going to tell you,
but you have to promiseCopy !req
182. not to laugh at me, because this
whole thing has left me very shaken.Copy !req
183. - OK. I promise I will not laugh.
- OK.Copy !req
184. He kissed me on the arse.Copy !req
185. Sorry, I may have
misheard you there, Roy.Copy !req
186. What did you just say?Copy !req
187. I was enjoying the massage,Copy !req
188. everything had gone very, very well,Copy !req
189. but then at the end
he just leaned down,Copy !req
190. and he gave me a big
kiss on the arse.Copy !req
191. And you thought I'd
find that funny?Copy !req
192. Well, yeah, I suppose I did.Copy !req
193. On what planet would
that be funny?Copy !req
194. Whereabouts on the
arse did he kiss you?Copy !req
195. I don't know,Copy !req
196. just to the left of the... the
line that goes down the middle.Copy !req
197. The cleftal horizon.Copy !req
198. Is that what it's called?Copy !req
199. Yes, it is, but never mind
that, what happened next?Copy !req
200. Well, then I just got
dressed and I left.Copy !req
201. OK. Have you told Jen this?Copy !req
202. No, I was really afraid
she'd laugh at me.Copy !req
203. Do you think Jen's a monster?Copy !req
204. She wouldn't laugh—
This man crossed the line!Copy !req
205. He is a member of the medical
profession. Roy, look at me.Copy !req
206. Look... at... me!Copy !req
207. There is nothing
funny about this.Copy !req
208. I think he crossed the line.
I don't think it's funny.Copy !req
209. I mean, I was so relaxed, and then
that just tensed me right up again.Copy !req
210. My hands were like
that for an hour.Copy !req
211. I couldn't get them in
to my pockets to pay him.Copy !req
212. You paid him?Copy !req
213. Roy, I've got to tell you, I
think you've got grounds to sue.Copy !req
214. Really?Copy !req
215. What is that?Copy !req
216. That's Jen.Copy !req
217. That's what she does now.Copy !req
218. You should tell her.
You should tell her.Copy !req
219. What?Copy !req
220. Listen to this.Copy !req
221. Jen, you know that I
went for that massage?Copy !req
222. Yeah. You are not going
to believe this.Copy !req
223. The bloke who did it
kissed me on my arse.Copy !req
224. No, Jen, my masseuse
kissed me on my bum!Copy !req
225. My body went into spasms!Copy !req
226. My hands were like
this for an hour!Copy !req
227. Stop it! You're killing me!Copy !req
228. You've got to spread
that kind of material out!Copy !req
229. I can't believe this!Copy !req
230. So what's the problem? I know!
He doesn't write, he doesn't call!Copy !req
231. What, did you think he was
coming on to you? I don't know!Copy !req
232. Maybe he's like the Michelangelo
of physical therapistsCopy !req
233. and that was his signature.
Maybe he does it to everybody.Copy !req
234. Look, to be honest,
I don't care why he did it.Copy !req
235. All I know is that
I was vulnerable.Copy !req
236. I was naked, and he
kissed me on my bottom.Copy !req
237. I'll tell you something, this is
not the last he has heard of me.Copy !req
238. As God is my witness, no
man shall ever have to beCopy !req
239. kissed on the bottom unexpectedly
because of this man ever again.Copy !req
240. Will you stop laughing?Copy !req
241. This is the first time
I've left before you.Copy !req
242. We're looking up legal precedents
of Roy being kissed on the arse.Copy !req
243. Don't sue him, Roy.
You'll get on the news.Copy !req
244. - Don't listen to her.
- Everyone will laugh!Copy !req
245. No-one will laugh! Come on, Jen, help
us bring this monster to justice!Copy !req
246. I can't. The band are playing a new
song tonight, they want my opinion.Copy !req
247. You know to just say,
"It's great", right?Copy !req
248. Roy, I am a person.
With thoughts and opinions.Copy !req
249. No. You're not.Copy !req
250. Jen, please, just say,
"It's great".Copy !req
251. When people like that
ask you what you think,Copy !req
252. all they want to hear is
that they're geniuses.Copy !req
253. Goodbye.Copy !req
254. She... is... evil.Copy !req
255. Spacestar ordering
success story number three.Copy !req
256. My tattoo got infected, so
they've had to cut off my arm!Copy !req
257. I am getting a robot hand!Copy !req
258. Beautiful.
Really beautiful.Copy !req
259. Thank you.Copy !req
260. It's just a great song.
Really, really great.Copy !req
261. If you put a gun to my head and
forced me to give one criticism,Copy !req
262. it'd be that maybe
it goes on just a bit too long.Copy !req
263. - Apart from that, perfect.
- OK.Copy !req
264. Listen, Tim, Mary's not
going to make it tonight.Copy !req
265. What'll we do about
backing vocals?Copy !req
266. I'd love to!Copy !req
267. Moss, can I ask you a question?Copy !req
268. Sure.Copy !req
269. Do I have to testify?Copy !req
270. I can't make that
decision for you, Roy.Copy !req
271. You've just got to ask
yourself one thing...Copy !req
272. if you don't take the stand,Copy !req
273. how many more unsolicited
bum kisses will be administeredCopy !req
274. by that lip-happy bastard?Copy !req
275. No, you're right, I know you're
right. I do want to testify.Copy !req
276. I'm just afraid that
they're going to laugh at me.Copy !req
277. What if they're all...
what if they're all like Jen?Copy !req
278. They're not going to laugh, Roy.Copy !req
279. No-one's like Jen.Copy !req
280. No-one.Copy !req
281. I've come to realise she's
actually a very odd person.Copy !req
282. Well, good luck tonight, everyone!Copy !req
283. Are you a big Stevie
Nicks fan, Jen?Copy !req
284. Stevie Nicks?
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
285. Oh, God. Thanks so much for
this, guys, I'm so excited.Copy !req
286. I've never done anything
like this before.Copy !req
287. I can't believe you want me
to do it! I won't let you down.Copy !req
288. So, Norman, we've had a talk.Copy !req
289. And we think we're going to go back
to not having a keyboard in the band.Copy !req
290. Oh, no!Copy !req
291. Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll
see you both again soon, yeah?Copy !req
292. Wait! I'm out too?Copy !req
293. And the defendant
gave no indicationCopy !req
294. that he had any intention
of kissing you on the bottom?Copy !req
295. No indication whatsoever.Copy !req
296. He just kissed me on my bottom.
Out of nowhere.Copy !req
297. What was the result?Copy !req
298. Well, I had nightmares about it.Copy !req
299. And I can't stop washing my bottom.Copy !req
300. And I find it hard to trust masseurs.Copy !req
301. Where exactly did he kiss you?Copy !req
302. - It was in the middle.
- In the middle of your bottom?Copy !req
303. Well, just to the left
of the cleftal horizon.Copy !req
304. In layman's terms,
please, Mr. Trenneman.Copy !req
305. Oh, I'm sorry, your Honour.
Just to the left of the bum line.Copy !req
306. Just above the thigh?Copy !req
307. Well above the thigh.Copy !req
308. It was on my bottom.Copy !req
309. Although it is true, is it not,Copy !req
310. that what some people call their
bottom, others might call their hip.Copy !req
311. No, he kissed my bottom, sir.Copy !req
312. - But is it not true...
- He kissed me on my bottom!Copy !req
313. Why is no-one laughing?Copy !req
314. It's no laughing matter, Jen.Copy !req
315. We Spaceologists take this
kind of thing very seriously.Copy !req
316. Are all these people
Spaceologists?Copy !req
317. Yes, this trial could bring the
massage industry to its knees.Copy !req
318. And you'll find they take this
case with the gravity it deserves.Copy !req
319. Perhaps Mr. Trenneman might be able to
help us with the aid of this diagram.Copy !req
320. Could you please place this
picture of the defendant...Copy !req
321. on the area where
you say he kissed you?Copy !req
322. That was where the
incident happened.Copy !req
323. - I think that's accurate.
- Oh, you think that is accurate?Copy !req
324. Yes. Only a moment ago you were
quite sure, yet now you only think.Copy !req
325. You're twisting my words.Copy !req
326. Is it not true that this
may simply be an artist,Copy !req
327. proud of his work,
signing off with a flourish?Copy !req
328. That is not the point.Copy !req
329. Yes, thank you, Mr. Trenneman.
That will be all.Copy !req
330. My arse is not a canvas!Copy !req
331. I said, that will be all,
thank you.Copy !req
332. My bottom is not a
kissing post, sir.Copy !req
333. OK, you can dress this up however
you like, with your fancy words,Copy !req
334. with your fancy words,
but the truth remainsCopy !req
335. that that man, sitting there,
kissed me on my bike rackCopy !req
336. and I was not expecting itCopy !req
337. and it rendered an expensive
massage worthless.Copy !req
338. Your Honour, please.Copy !req
339. And I am here today so that no man
need be kissed on his sweetmeatsCopy !req
340. by this man ever again,Copy !req
341. unless they have arranged it
beforehand for some reason.Copy !req
342. - Will you be silent?
- I will not be silent!Copy !req
343. I will never be silent!Copy !req
344. I will not stop until
those lips are behind bars!Copy !req
345. How dare you?Copy !req
346. I trusted you. My trouser
hams are not for sale, sir!Copy !req
347. I put my arse in your hands.Copy !req
348. I rest my case.Copy !req
349. I'd have used my
robot hand for good.Copy !req
350. Wake up!Copy !req