1. Jen, have a listen to this?Copy !req
2. Moss, have you
seen the newsletter?Copy !req
3. Does this sound mysterious?Copy !req
4. Yeah, yeah,
it's quite mysterious.Copy !req
5. I was hoping for
ruddy mysterious.Copy !req
6. It's fairly mysterious.Copy !req
7. Compiling a playlist for a
role-playing game I'm hosting.Copy !req
8. Important to get the right atmos.Copy !req
9. OK, I don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
10. Kind of like a
Dungeons and Dragons thing.Copy !req
11. Ew, is this something
to do with sex?Copy !req
12. Ha! Far from it, Jen.Copy !req
13. No, you see, in role-playing,
one person is a dungeon master,Copy !req
14. or game master, or keeper.Copy !req
15. He or she controls the worldCopy !req
16. and tells the players
what they're experiencing,Copy !req
17. whether it's be battling
with a coal monster,Copy !req
18. or just kicking back in a smelly old
tavern with some roguish elves.Copy !req
19. Played over a few hours,
the game employs dice rollsCopy !req
20. to determine the outcome
of certain events.Copy !req
21. Now, unlike most board games
you might be familiar with,Copy !req
22. role-playing games often
use a 20-sided dice.Copy !req
23. - Moss?
- Yeah.Copy !req
24. I want to stop listening to this.Copy !req
25. I completely understand.Copy !req
26. So, in the world
we actually live in,Copy !req
27. a post has opened up
for Entertainments Manager.Copy !req
28. I could do that.
That sounds great.Copy !req
29. Better than whatever this job is.
Entertainments Manager.Copy !req
30. It's not for you, Jen.Copy !req
31. What are you talking about?
Organising cultural eventsCopy !req
32. and visiting business partners,
that is so me.Copy !req
33. It's not though.
It's really not for you.Copy !req
34. Oh, what am I talking to you for?
Where's Roy?Copy !req
35. Not in yet.Copy !req
36. Is he still moping about
after that girl?Copy !req
37. Worse than ever.
Thank God he can't play guitar.Copy !req
38. Have you seen the pictures?Copy !req
39. Pictures?
There's more than one of these?Copy !req
40. Yeah, there's a buttload.Copy !req
41. And she's Photoshopped
out of all of them.Copy !req
42. Yeah, it's like someone
broke up with Stalin.Copy !req
43. It's such a shame.Copy !req
44. I've never seen him happier than
he's been the last few months.Copy !req
45. And now...Copy !req
46. - Oh, hi, Roy!
- Hi, Roy.Copy !req
47. It's okay, you're obviously
talking about me.Copy !req
48. - No, no...
- It's fine.Copy !req
49. I realise I haven't been the
easiest person to be aroundCopy !req
50. the last few weeks.Copy !req
51. But I really feel like I've
turned the corner now. I really do.Copy !req
52. So if we can all just
carry on as normal...Copy !req
53. My God, oh, my God!Copy !req
54. I feel like I've come out
the other side of it now.Copy !req
55. So, everything's going to be OK
from here on in...Copy !req
56. My heart hurts!Copy !req
57. You do seem better
than yesterday.Copy !req
58. But, Roy, you've got
to snap out of this.Copy !req
59. I know, I know.Copy !req
60. Some things just
don't work out.Copy !req
61. I know you're not used to being
in a long-term relationship.Copy !req
62. It's really rare for me.Copy !req
63. It's so rare.Copy !req
64. But take it from me,
most of them just don't work out.Copy !req
65. She's right, Roy.Copy !req
66. - And how would you know?
- I do all right.Copy !req
67. When?Copy !req
68. Well, if you must know,
I met a girl on holiday.Copy !req
69. They're always on holiday,
aren't they, Moss?Copy !req
70. Oh, shut up, Dumpo,
the elephant who got dumped!Copy !req
71. - Hey, hey!
- Well...Copy !req
72. No, it's okay. I'm all right.Copy !req
73. I mean, I'm still a bit...Copy !req
74. She never said goodbye,
so I just kind of...Copy !req
75. It still just hurts just a little
bit whenever I think about her.Copy !req
76. So. I guess all I have to do is just
never think about her. Simples!Copy !req
77. Oh, she used to love that ad.Copy !req
78. It's not for you, Jen.Copy !req
79. - What, why not?
- Entertainments Manager?Copy !req
80. Do you know what
that involves?Copy !req
81. Well, from what I can gather,
it's just organising cultural eventsCopy !req
82. for out-of-town
business partners.Copy !req
83. That's right. Yes, yes.Copy !req
84. It's not for you.Copy !req
85. But as far as I can see,Copy !req
86. it won't interfere with my
duties in the IT department.Copy !req
87. And I love culture. I've seen
We Will Rock You four times.Copy !req
88. Eurgh...Copy !req
89. Well, Jen, I'd love to help you,Copy !req
90. but traditionally the role
of Entertainments ManagerCopy !req
91. has always been held by a man.Copy !req
92. Mr. Reynholm,
I don't need to remind youCopy !req
93. of the report that denounced
Reynholm IndustriesCopy !req
94. as an institutionally
sexist organisation.Copy !req
95. Now, you hold on a minute,
sugar tits!Copy !req
96. Everyone saw through
that report.Copy !req
97. And I even got that award
off those feminists.Copy !req
98. The one shaped like
the ice-cream fellow.Copy !req
99. That's a Shithead Of The Year
award.Copy !req
100. It actually says it on the base,
"Shithead Of The Year."Copy !req
101. Did you not read the base?Copy !req
102. Oh, God!Copy !req
103. Women, eh?Copy !req
104. What are they?
Who knows?Copy !req
105. Don't do this.Copy !req
106. Can't live with them,
can't find them... sometimes.Copy !req
107. What's going on
in their little heads?Copy !req
108. Don't ask me, I'm not a flippin'
women psychiatrist.Copy !req
109. But I have learned one or two things
from conversations with my mother.Copy !req
110. No, no, Moss, please,Copy !req
111. don't go any further,
just stop right there.Copy !req
112. You're no good at
this kind of thing, Moss.Copy !req
113. You'll just make it worse.Copy !req
114. Sorry, it's just
I've never seen you like this.Copy !req
115. I know.
But I'll be fine.Copy !req
116. I will. It's just...
You can't help with this.Copy !req
117. You just can't.Copy !req
118. I've got it.Copy !req
119. - I've got the job.
- What?Copy !req
120. Douglas gave me the job
so I'd stop talking.Copy !req
121. Jen's Entertainments Manager.Copy !req
122. It's not for you, Jen.Copy !req
123. Why does everyone keep saying that?Copy !req
124. - What happened to Gerry?
- Massive heart attack.Copy !req
125. I'm not surprised.Copy !req
126. Why are you not surprised?
Why is it not for me?Copy !req
127. Gerry was the... He was the
company Fredo. You're the new Fredo.Copy !req
128. I don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
129. Fredo, from the Godfather.Copy !req
130. Who's Fredo again?
Who's he in it?Copy !req
131. He's the brother, whose job it is to
take out-of-town businessmen and...Copy !req
132. Show them a good time, yeah,
that's what I have to do.Copy !req
133. I was thinking West End show...Copy !req
134. No, no, Jen, I don't
think you understand.Copy !req
135. These men are going to expect
a lot more than a West End show.Copy !req
136. Fredo, Jen, he was,
he was sort of a pimp.Copy !req
137. Oh, shut up.Copy !req
138. - Wasn't he, Moss?
- What?Copy !req
139. Fredo, in the film,
he was essentially a pimp.Copy !req
140. No, he took the ring to Mordor.Copy !req
141. Fredo was a pimp.Copy !req
142. No, no, that film was the '70s.
Things are different now.Copy !req
143. Businessmen are different.Copy !req
144. Anyway, enough about our balls.Copy !req
145. Gentleman, I'd like you
to meet Jen.Copy !req
146. No, no, no, Jen's
our new Entertainments Manager.Copy !req
147. But she's a woman, isn't she?Copy !req
148. Jen, I'd like you to meet
an old friend of mine, Phil.Copy !req
149. And two men named John.Copy !req
150. - What are you up to, Reynholm?
- Don't you worry, Phil.Copy !req
151. Jen may look like an old maid
holding pennies in her arse,Copy !req
152. but she knows the
sleaziest routesCopy !req
153. round this old town
I like to call Londinius.Copy !req
154. And I'm sure she's planned something
suitably raucous for you reprobates.Copy !req
155. Oh, yes, yes, I have tickets for
a wonderful show in the West End.Copy !req
156. As long as it
doesn't have subtitles.Copy !req
157. Subtitles, no.Copy !req
158. - Woah, what's got subtitles?
- This thing she's bringing us to.Copy !req
159. Subtitles?
Oh, God!Copy !req
160. I can't read while I'm also
trying to see things.Copy !req
161. No, no, it's a show, it's a show.
There's no subtitles.Copy !req
162. I hate subtitles.Copy !req
163. - What happened to Gerry?
- His heart exploded.Copy !req
164. Brilliant!Copy !req
165. - No, he's quite seriously ill.
- That's classic Gerry.Copy !req
166. Gerry wouldn't have brought us
to something with subtitles.Copy !req
167. There's no subtitles,
it's a show.Copy !req
168. Come on, Jen,
what type of show?Copy !req
169. Well, yes,
well it's very raunchy.Copy !req
170. Yes, I don't think
you'll be disappointed.Copy !req
171. Women in it?Copy !req
172. Women in it?
Yes, it's an all-woman show.Copy !req
173. It's very rude.Copy !req
174. - An all-woman show?
- And it's rude.Copy !req
175. Eiffel Tower!Copy !req
176. I'm so sorry, I really
can't apologise enough.Copy !req
177. I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.Copy !req
178. That woman was in EastEnders,
how dare you humiliate her?Copy !req
179. It's not our fault you took us
to The Vagina Monologues.Copy !req
180. You get there,
and it's just women talking.Copy !req
181. False advertising.Copy !req
182. Look, we're in town
for five more days,Copy !req
183. you better have
something proper for us to do.Copy !req
184. And the next time you take us
to something about talking fannies,Copy !req
185. it better be about
talking fannies.Copy !req
186. I know you had good reasons
for giving me this award.Copy !req
187. I should never have done
that interview.Copy !req
188. But that journalist
had an agenda.Copy !req
189. There's more.
"Women are a kind of savage animal,Copy !req
190. "who men have civilised
with their insatiable sexuality."Copy !req
191. What don't you like about that?Copy !req
192. "Women are essentially no
different from radiators."Copy !req
193. "I like my women
like I like my toast, hot..."Copy !req
194. And consumable with butter.Copy !req
195. You don't have to remind me.Copy !req
196. I'm all too familiar
with my misguided words.Copy !req
197. Ladies, listen, no-one can
mistake me for Gok Wan.Copy !req
198. I've an old-fashioned mindset,
but damn it, at least I try.Copy !req
199. And Reynholm Industries is changing,
ladies, for the better.Copy !req
200. The glass ceiling
is now a glass floor.Copy !req
201. The women are floating above it,Copy !req
202. and the men are just
looking up at them.Copy !req
203. So, what do you want from us?Copy !req
204. Oh, please take that award back
and give it to somebody else.Copy !req
205. Mr. Reynholm, I really need
to talk to you about something.Copy !req
206. Ah, Jen, I'd like you to meet
some very special women.Copy !req
207. Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
208. What?Copy !req
209. Mr. Reynholm, I will not
work with prostitutes.Copy !req
210. No, no, no,
these are feminists.Copy !req
211. You can dress it up
however you like,Copy !req
212. they still sleep
with men for money.Copy !req
213. I'm sorry, no offense.Copy !req
214. But I don't charge
for these potatoes.Copy !req
215. And I don't like women who do.Copy !req
216. Don't listen to her!
The bitch is crazy.Copy !req
217. Douglas wants me
to see out the week.Copy !req
218. A whole week in the
company of those idiots.Copy !req
219. Culture's out, restaurants are out.
Oh, God, this is a nightmare.Copy !req
220. Men, eh,Copy !req
221. what are they like? With their
bawdy talk and rough-housing,Copy !req
222. and their wandering hands,
and breath in the morning.Copy !req
223. I'd like to see them
have the babies.Copy !req
224. What are you getting at, Moss?Copy !req
225. Well, unless I'm
very much mistaken,Copy !req
226. this seems to be a problem for
which you need the male perspective.Copy !req
227. Do you know any men?Copy !req
228. You want a good time, right?
One that walks on the wild sideCopy !req
229. without compromising
your principles?Copy !req
230. Yeah, that's exactly
what I want.Copy !req
231. Then you got it, baby!Copy !req
232. Which is why the game needs
a 20-sided dice.Copy !req
233. I've not understood a
word you've just said.Copy !req
234. What is it?
Some sort of computer game?Copy !req
235. In a sense, except it uses the
most powerful processor known to man.Copy !req
236. The human mind.Copy !req
237. But you're not playing.Copy !req
238. I'm not a player.
But I am playing.Copy !req
239. He sort of
tells us what's happening.Copy !req
240. I will be your guide.Copy !req
241. Through my words, you will
experience the land of Elfenheart.Copy !req
242. From the mighty mountains that
border the Goblin Wastelands.Copy !req
243. To the sewers that run like a spider
web through the city of Jandor.Copy !req
244. I, gentlemen,
will be your eyes.Copy !req
245. I will be everyone you meet,
every creature you encounter,Copy !req
246. every trap you spring.Copy !req
247. What about him? What's this business
with the face like a slapped arse?Copy !req
248. I'm sorry, I just came out of
a long term relationship, so...Copy !req
249. It doesn't...
She was the greatest womanCopy !req
250. I've ever met and I'm never
going to see her again.Copy !req
251. But it's fine, I mean,
she never said goodbye.Copy !req
252. I'm not going
to bore you with it.Copy !req
253. See that you bloody don't!Copy !req
254. I still don't understand
what this game is!Copy !req
255. It seems gay.Copy !req
256. Are dragons gay, Phil?Copy !req
257. Mighty warrior priests wieldingCopy !req
258. golden staffs.
I suppose they're gay too?Copy !req
259. Here are your character sheets.Copy !req
260. John One, you're a unicorn man.Copy !req
261. John Two, you're a wood fairy.Copy !req
262. And Phil, you're the Gypsy assassin,
Esmerelda.Copy !req
263. I'm a woman?Copy !req
264. I don't think I
want to be a woman.Copy !req
265. Just go with it.Copy !req
266. It will end.Copy !req
267. So, gentlemen, are you prepared
to open the doors to your mindCopy !req
268. and travel to worlds
hitherto undreamed of?Copy !req
269. Look at those fun bags.Copy !req
270. Everybody doing okay, yeah?Copy !req
271. You good for drinks?Copy !req
272. Loosen up.
It's a role-playing party.Copy !req
273. Jen, can I have a word?Copy !req
274. I don't think I want
to hang with these guys.Copy !req
275. Oh, come on, Phil!Copy !req
276. These guys are the best.Copy !req
277. They're going to do things
tonight that'll blow your mind.Copy !req
278. Really?Copy !req
279. Look at them.
They're young, they're keen.Copy !req
280. And all they want to do
is show you a good time.Copy !req
281. So get back there before
you hurt their feelings.Copy !req
282. Could I steal the lovely Roy
for a sec?Copy !req
283. It's just him in all of these.Copy !req
284. Oh, thanks, Jen, that was
all getting a little bit...Copy !req
285. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
286. What?Copy !req
287. Bringing everyone
down with your private life.Copy !req
288. They don't want to know about
your miserable private life.Copy !req
289. They're here for a good time.
Look at that face.Copy !req
290. Who'd want to
role-play with that face?Copy !req
291. I'm sorry Jen... I just...
I'm not feeling it tonight.Copy !req
292. Then fake it, sweetheart, yeah?Copy !req
293. We're getting good
money for this.Copy !req
294. Don't you want to get
the deposit for a flat,Copy !req
295. leave those bad memories behind?Copy !req
296. - Yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
297. - I'll try harder, Jen.
- Okay.Copy !req
298. Good girl.Copy !req
299. Get back there and show
those Johns a good time.Copy !req
300. Well, that cleaned the pipes.Copy !req
301. I've got to thank you, Miranda,
for giving me a second chance.Copy !req
302. Oh, don't mention it. Although you
do know I don't have the authorityCopy !req
303. to take back the award myself?Copy !req
304. Oh, what?Copy !req
305. No, we all make mistakes.
And you intrigue me.Copy !req
306. Something tells me there's
more to you than meets the eye.Copy !req
307. Do you mean the rumours
that I killed my wife?Copy !req
308. No.Copy !req
309. - Are there rumours?
- No.Copy !req
310. There were rumours that there was a
rumour, but that was just bullshit.Copy !req
311. I didn't like the way the nominations
came from inside your company.Copy !req
312. Inside my company?Copy !req
313. Yeah, one of the women from the IT
department faxed a dossierCopy !req
314. of your behaviour over
the last 12 months.Copy !req
315. One of the women in
the IT department?Copy !req
316. Oh, sorry, Phil.Copy !req
317. Heal All is probably the worst spell
you could have used. The sound ofCopy !req
318. your low-level magic attracts the
attention of the palace guards.Copy !req
319. Damn it!Copy !req
320. One comes through the door.Copy !req
321. Throwing knife.Copy !req
322. Are you sure?
Quite a low damage.Copy !req
323. I have a plus 40%
chance of a critical.Copy !req
324. Remember the talking bunny that
gave me that magic bracelet?Copy !req
325. Yeah, that bunny thing
gave him that thing.Copy !req
326. You're absolutely right.
Roll 'em.Copy !req
327. Yes!Copy !req
328. Direct hit.
The knife cleaves his head in twainCopy !req
329. and some of his brains runneth
down John Two's invisibility cloak.Copy !req
330. Eiffel Tower!Copy !req
331. Unfortunately, he wasn't alone.Copy !req
332. Dammit!Copy !req
333. 'Tis the dreaded Imperial Guard,
the cruellest of allCopy !req
334. of Queen Elisa's troops.
At their head...Copy !req
335. someone you recognise.Copy !req
336. Well, well, well.Copy !req
337. If it isn't the adventurers who
have been causing me all this bother.Copy !req
338. Lucius Santana!Copy !req
339. The very same.Copy !req
340. Stand your men down, Lucius!
We have no quarrel with you!Copy !req
341. Quarrel? I just came to see how a
mismatched bunch of raggle taggleCopy !req
342. adventurers bested some of the
deadliest criminals in Crackenwood.Copy !req
343. That's us!Copy !req
344. You have my thanks.
And if you ever want to joinCopy !req
345. the Palace Guard,
you know where I am.Copy !req
346. The Palace Guard?Copy !req
347. You have my sword.Copy !req
348. And my staff.Copy !req
349. And my bunny bracelet.Copy !req
350. And whatever it is that I have.Copy !req
351. The mist clears.Copy !req
352. You see a lone, female figure.Copy !req
353. That's ruddy mysterious.Copy !req
354. Hello, Darkharden.Copy !req
355. Hello.Copy !req
356. Who goes there?Copy !req
357. It is I, Queen Elisa Eldridge of
the Elves, who cruelly jilted youCopy !req
358. not three moons ago.Copy !req
359. Don't do this.Copy !req
360. Just go with it, Roy.Copy !req
361. Hello, my queen.Copy !req
362. How are you?Copy !req
363. I'm fine.Copy !req
364. You look well.Copy !req
365. So do you...
Does she?Copy !req
366. Yes, she does, actually.Copy !req
367. Does she?Copy !req
368. So, what are you up to?Copy !req
369. Oh, you know just...
Just keeping busy.Copy !req
370. Missing you a little bit.Copy !req
371. Yourself?Copy !req
372. Usual boring pageantry.Copy !req
373. You know how the people of
Pippsiehollow love a parade.Copy !req
374. What are you doing here?Copy !req
375. Sorry.Copy !req
376. Sorry. Bear with me.
Bear with me. Bear with me.Copy !req
377. I sense a sadness in you.Copy !req
378. It's just hard.Copy !req
379. You know?Copy !req
380. I miss you.Copy !req
381. I can still smell
you on our pillow.Copy !req
382. When I close my eyes,
it's still your face I see.Copy !req
383. It's just hard.Copy !req
384. You were here
and then you were gone.Copy !req
385. What do you want?Copy !req
386. It was not easy for me
to come here, Darkharden.Copy !req
387. But I had one thing
I felt I needed to say to you.Copy !req
388. Goodbye.Copy !req
389. Goodbye.Copy !req
390. Brilliant night!
Brilliant!Copy !req
391. I can't believe I've never tried
role-playing games before.Copy !req
392. I'm going to go home and tell
the whole rugby club about it.Copy !req
393. Roy and Moss did not disappoint?Copy !req
394. They did not.
I'd like to see them again.Copy !req
395. Thank you, Douglas.Copy !req
396. That's one special little
lady you've got there.Copy !req
397. I'm glad Jerry died.Copy !req
398. Eiffel Tower!Copy !req
399. Eiffel Tower! Eiffel Tower!Copy !req
400. Eiffel Tower!Copy !req
401. Before you go, Jen,
I know it was you.Copy !req
402. You broke my heart.
You broke my heart!Copy !req
403. That's right.
That's right!Copy !req
404. Shut up!Copy !req
405. Oh, you've cheered up.Copy !req
406. Oh, yeah, I'm feeling a
lot better now, Jen, thanks.Copy !req
407. Thanks to a certain Elfin queen.Copy !req
408. What happened to Fredo,
in the film?Copy !req
409. Ah, oh...
The Godfather has him killed.Copy !req
410. I'm going to go home.Copy !req
411. I'm not feeling too good.Copy !req
412. Problem solved!Copy !req